Very funny. Now give me back my damn
So, I bought some very cute boots. Two pair, even. And I don’t even feel
remotely guilty about that, because I got them at Target. On sale. For fifteen
dollars a pair! Seven fifty per boot! Amazing! Thank you, child laborers in
And despite being cheap, they’re actually cute, normal boots. They do not look
like cheap boots. One pair has a rounded toe and a cute little kitten heel, and
the other pair is all stiletto-ish and pointy. And I live for stiletto boots, y’all. Or,
more specifically, I live IN stiletto boots. I wear them all the time. With
everything. Shorts. Pajamas. Whatever. Love them.
I am so used to wearing stiletto boots, in fact, that I can run in them. I can run
down stairs in them, taking the steps two at a time (this was verified when a
friend of mine in law school chased me through the building with a booger.
Because we are six.) Anyway, that’s pretty damn impressive, if I may say so
myself, particularly when you consider the fact that I am the biggest damn klutz
living in the free world. I am the biggest klutz you have ever seen. I am not
Don’t believe me? Do you doubt my status as the most tremendous klutz in
North America? Well, I’ll just have to convince you, then. Let’s review some of
the klutzy-ass things that I have done:
1. Fallen down the stairs at my parents’ house while carrying an
Oh, this sounds tame, you say? Well, actually, “fallen” is not really descriptive
enough. Let’s go for “tumbled.” “Rolled” would also work. As would
“somersaulted,” as in “I somersaulted down a flight of stairs, all the way to the
bottom, where I lay, dazed, for about one tenth of a second, when the
encyclopedia I had dropped somewhere around the second rotation caught up
with me and landed – BONK – on my head.” It was just like in the cartoons.
There were stars and tweety-birds. Now, the thing about encyclopedias, which
maybe you didn’t know – heavy! Very HEAVY. Especially on your head. So, in
one small slip, I bruised my tail bone, twisted my wrist, and got a huge lump on
the top of my head. Smooth move, self! But it doesn’t really compare to:
2. Knocking over a row of chairs in a Nashville bar, one of which I
was SITTING IN at the time.
Now, how did I do this? I wish I knew. All I know for certain is that it was cold
outside, and I had a heavy coat, which I had placed on the back of my chair at
the bar. And then I leaned back in the chair, which apparently was too much
gravity or something, and the chair toppled over. And knocked into another
chair. Which toppled over. And knocked into another chair. Which toppled
over. And then they asked me to leave. Nice!
3. Flipping my hair while laying on a friends’ bed, and using such
hair-flipping force that I rolled, Clueless-style, off the bed and
onto the floor.
Not kidding. Actually happened. And that scene in the movie? Not funny at all.
4. Spraining my ankle in my sleep.
This remains a mystery for the ages. I went to sleep healthy (and, surprisingly,
sober.) I woke up in the morning, and my ankle was swollen and bruised. How?
Gnomes, is my guess.
5. Electrocuting myself while trying to plug in a radio.
The most recent entry in my catalogue of klutziness. My electrician was there,
and I was trying to test different outlets to see if they worked. But this one
outlet was kind of clogged with paint, and I couldn’t get the prongs of the radio in
there, so instead I just start ROOTING AROUND with MY FINGER. And so I was
shocked. And it hurt. But I tried to play it off all cool, like nothing had
happened, despite the audible “BZZZT” that had accompanied my
electrocution. But it didn’t work, because immediately the electrician was like,
“Hey – all the hair on your left arm is standing straight up!” And so it was. And
now that I think about it, that is less klutzy and more just flat-out stupid.
But stupidity aside, I really am an enormous klutz. Falling down stairs, falling up
stairs, falling out of beds, falling out of the shower, stepping in the toilet (oh, do
not ask) – it’s all happened to me, and it happens all the damn time. Which
makes my grace in stilettos all the more impressive. So impressive, in fact, that I
think I might go to Target and get another pair. I just have to carry this
encyclopedia downstairs first.