Quiet Dignity and Grace

March 06, 2007

Do you remember the exact moment you turned thirty? Like, the exact instant? Where you were? Who was with you? The precise thing that you were doing when the clock struck twelve, and your twenties were forever gone?

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HEY YOU GUYS IT TURNS OUT I LOVE CHER SO SO MUCH

Me, either. But according to the above evidence, I seem to be bringing it on home.

And that is pretty much all I have to say about that. I am thirty! But I bet I am not mature yet.

Thank y'all for hanging out for another year! I appreciate all your comments, your emails, your support, and your general kick-ass-ness. You are all invited for cocktails, kisses, and spectacular Cher impersonations. Just don't mention false teeth or replacement hips, and make sure someone brings me some Tylenol.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (129)

"Dammit, Janet!"

December 08, 2006

Or, more accurately, dammit, Movable Type! Give a girl a minute, here.

So, as we all know, sometimes sequels do not suck. I believe that the cardinal examples used to prove this point are usually "The Godfather Part II," "Lethal Weapon II", and...uh. Hmm.

Okay, I can't think of another one. Ghostbusters II was not very good. Jaws II was crappity, but nowhere near the cinematic meltdown that was Jaws 3-D, in which the shark somehow obtained the ability to growl. And for some reason, these are the only two examples of sequels I can come up with right now. I am pretty sure, however, that more exist.

But, I am not going to go looking for any more cinematic examples, because I have been hard at work on our own little sequel over here, namely, the Follow-Up Gift Guide, where I've added new shops, consolidated the old ones, and (hopefully) recorded all of the gift certificates and offers provided to y'all by nice shop people. Of course, I was planning on having this done by Tuesday, but given the logic of "time" in my world, which has been a wee bit busy lately, what with the lawyering and the shop and the not sleeping and the putting of things in boxes, and the breaking of the sewing machine and the cursing of an entire generation of sewing machine manufacturers, and then the subsequent embarrassment upon having to purchase a new sewing machine, because...bobbin? Who's that?

So, yeah. The sequel isn't done yet. It is almost done, but it is not all the way there. Hopefully, I'll finish it later this afternoon, or possibly tonight. But regardless, y'all are definitely going to want to check that shit out, because there are a TON of new things, and new sellers and coupons and other delightfulness which will make your holidays very attractive, and practically free.

I will be back soon with all this, but in the meantime, y'all feel free to explain any of the following to me:

1. Why is it 28 degrees in Atlanta today?

2. Why can't I find any coats, except for this one coat that resembles what would happen if you shaved a muppet, but compensated by giving it some shoulder pads? Why is this the only coat I have?

3. Where are my coats?

4. Did y'all take my coats?

5. How come do I have a coat that looks like a shaved muppet with shoulder pads?

6. Is it your coat?

7. It is apparently from J. Crew.

8. What is the matter with J. Crew?

9. Did J. Crew have a season based on the central concepts of "shag carpet" and "what we come up with when we take the hard drugs"?

10. Where are my scissors?

...And so on.

So, now that I have lightened my load by sharing my many probing questions with y'all, I am going to try to finish this guide. Also, I posted some new Christmas cards over at Shop Doxie if y'all want to see, even though Christmas is spitting distance by now. For that idiotic timing, we can all thank the printers, who repeatedly fucked up the order. Or, we can pretend I am extraordinarily early, and it is already time for the prudent shopper to buy Christmas cards for next year, and I am just the most responsible person in the entire developed world. And not, say, the kind of person who lets her laundry accumulate until it threatens a military coup, who never cleans her ceiling fans, and who lets a gaggle of wiener dogs sleep in her bed, despite overwhelming evidence that it is a really fucking bad idea. I am not like that at all.

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I call this "Bo with Antennae; Gimmme incapable of appreciating my sophisticated humor."

Anyway, it's time to wrap up this shopping guide like the savvy consumers that we are, so I'm off. See y'all shortly!

Oh, hold on. I'm an idiot:

P.S.: I've spoken to a bunch of people individually over the past few days, but I did want to at leasy quickly mention that I am so happy with, and so honored by, everyone's kind response to my little store. And I know I promised I wasn't going to talk about it over here (I won't! I really won't! This is an exception!), but I had to thank y'all for being so great, and for all of your comments and e-mails and feedback and everything else. And for those of y'all who have gotten your orders already (everyone else! I AM HURRYING! Or maybe it is already in the mail! I am a little overwhelmed right now), I really hope you're happy with them.

So, no more talking about the shop administration business, but I would have been a big old bitch if I hadn't at least thanked everyone for your overwhelming suppot, your nice comments, and your extreme personal attractiveness (admit it; y'all have been bringing sexy back, haven't you? Like, when I wasn't looking? Well played!). Happy holidays to everyone, and thank you so much!

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (38)

Walking in a Wiener Wonderland

November 28, 2006

Listen. I had to! With the wiener wonderland. I really did. It was either that or "The Wiener of My Discontent," but then everyone would just think I was talking about Bo.

(Also, did I say I would publish this "tonight?" I did. And, know what time it is? Five twenty-six in the morning. I am still awake, working on this damn thing. Which means I did not lie, if you have sort of a liberal interpretation of "night," that being that you consider "night" to encompass "time when Leigh should be sleeping." But I forgot how long the gift guide takes, with the linking and the finding. And the fact that I always end up spending seven zillion more hours than is necessary, because I am a nerd. But that is neither here nor there.)

(And, I'm back, because I just finished. It is 9 a.m. So...not so much, with the last night. I TRIED! But now I have to go to work, and I should really...shower, or something.)

(Hmm.)

Anyway. Hi! It is late, you guys.

So, as we know, it was just Thanksgiving! And I really hope you had a happy one, if you are a Thanksgiving-celebrator. I love Thanksgiving, because food is good, and eating is happy. And of course, Thanksgiving is always entertaining with my family, thanks primarily to the fact that we have a number of traditions that must be followed, lest there be catastrophes. And because we do not really like catastrophes so much, we follow these traditions, and usually nobody dies or has to call poison control.

In our family, the first tradition is, "Do not let Dad near the turkey pan." This is because Dad has a tendency to helpful himself over to the sink with that pan, and will wash that pan, and then my mother will scream bloody fucking murder in a manner that causes all of her dead relatives to pop headfirst out of the ground in Mississippi, spinning in horror, because it turns out that another -- much more deeply-held --tradition in our family, is to make the gravy for Thanksgiving out of the turkey drippings.

I do not know how such a thing is actually accomplished, as I have a very limited knowledge of things involving "drippings." I tend to avoid anything called "drippings" as a matter of principle, and the only gravy that is ever served at my house is the kind that comes with the mashed potatoes side dish from Popeye's. And yet, despite my lack of knowledge in this area, I feel confident in reporting that "Dawn" is not a proper gravy ingredient. And therefore, Dad's well-intentioned helpfulness destroys the drippings, results in dry little mouths for turkey eaters, and we all get to whack him with a wooden spoon. Thwap! Woo, tradition!

Or, okay. I am lying. We do not actually whack Dad with a wooden spoon (although we do have to body-block him away from the pan, because every year, the poor man automatically heads for the empty. drippy container, and must be physically restrained). But we have other traditions, too, which include watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade, and then the Westminster Dog Show, and cheering very loudly for the dachshunds ("working group, my ass," says me, who would be the woman who has four of them, and not one has ever achieved any sort of gainful employment other than "pee on"). The dachshunds never win, though, which is a travesty of justice, because dachshunds are totally rocking little things. Throw them a bone, Westminster! Where would we be without the brave badger hound? I mean, I'd still have nice smelling furniture and sparkling floors, but besides that, where would we be? In a much drearier place, is my thought. A place where Febreeze is not such a successful product, I bet.

But, hey. I am apparently off track. And, traditions! Is what I was talking about. So, after we eat all of the food in the world (because my mother is also compelled to cook for an army of six hundred and nine people, even though we are a family of four, as maybe we are expecting all those dead relatives to pop in for canapés), and after we drink all of the alcohol ever made (because we are all just really trashy people), we all collapse into a heap somewhere in the vicinity of a television set, and watch the third traditional program of Thanksgiving day, and that is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. And we have watched this movie so many, many times, that we have memorized every line, and if you would like Ziz and me to act it out for you, while also interjecting random bits of trivia as we do so (the chandelier in the dining room disappears halfway through the middle of one scene! Spectres!), then that will be absolutely no problem. Just give us some wine. We will handle the rest.

But all of this discussion about Thanksgiving, and the things we do prior to passing the heck out from a combination of turkey drugging and alcohol, is really only the set up to what is really going on here. And that is my own realization, which happens every year on the day after Thanksgiving, that holy shit: I have to go shopping again. For other people. Didn't I fucking just do that last year? Selfish bastards!

Now, I am not a masochist type person, despite my career choice and ensuing constant work at all hours. I actually like to not experience physical pain. I also try to avoid manhandling, being sneezed upon, and being generally jostled by the general public, which is sneezy and jostle-y and manhandle-y, and this is precisely why I would sooner shave myself baldheaded than attempt shopping at an Atlanta mall on the day after Thanksgiving. That just is not my thing. But online shopping, on the other hand...now, hello! Hello, sitting on my couch! Why, hi there, glass of wine, and small brown dogs! Please invade my personal space! I welcome you to my lap, so long as nobody complains that maybe I should change out of my pajamas already.

And so that is how I have been doing my shopping for the last several years. From the computer, like the big old lazy pants that I am, all unwashed and vaguely smelly and wearing a stained tee-shirt, but happy as can be.

And so, now I will get moving on my own Thanksgiving tradition, which is one that I apparently came up with by accident last year, but which was really pretty fun. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, last year, I came up with a list of a bunch of cool gifts that cost less than ten bucks, but which seemed like they'd cost a lot more. I posted the list, and then some of the stores got involved and sent us discounts, and it was a big old ten dollar shopping orgy. And then we whacked everybody with a wooden spoon. Thwap!

So, I've done that again this year, and already, a lot of sellers have sent in coupons and discount codes, so all of that is below. There are some great deals, too, so I hope everybody finds something good.

Miss Doxie's Ten Dollar Or Less Gift Guide of 2006: It Took All Night, So It Better Not Suck!

We'll start out strong (and girly! Like deodorant!), with one of my very favorite online stores, goodmorning-morning. Right now, she has these really adorable ribbon pins for $10. And, I mean...those are really cute. I could not make that if my life depended on it, and if I had several hands. I would tie my arms together in the manner of a strait-jacketed person, and then y'all would all laugh, and really, that is not very Christmas-y of you.

Moving on to another favorite, the talented Nicole at Pink Loves Brown has her pretty bookplates for sale, but she's increased her selection, and now you have four mind-bogglingly pretty choices. Those bookplates started this whole shindig last year, because I loved them like a fuzzy kitten. A fuzzy, reasonably priced, personalized with your own name kitten. And good luck finding one of those little buggers, because you just can't. They don't exist in our world. But thanks to Nicole, bookplates do, for six-fifty, and everyone I gave them to last year (see: everyone) thought they were the bee's literary knees.

Also, Pink Loves Brown's pins and badges kick about seven kinds of ass, and she has also these awesome cards that she prints herself using a process known as "difficult," somewhere in the land of "far beyond the realm of my understanding." One of those cards would make an awesome stocking stuffer, but I am quirky about pretty little cards like that, and I might actually frame it and give it as a gift. Rectangular art! For less than five dollars! Y'all come be my friend this holiday season. I'm cheap!

Speaking of cheap, know what else is? Magnets! And very pretty, one-of-a-kind magnets seem like they would be really awesome secret Santa gifts. And you will be the hero of Secret Santa, and not the asshole that brought a dusty, dented can of mixed nuts. That nut guy is an asshole.

Turning to things that are not assholes, (just...go with it. I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point), Crafters for Critters continues to be awesome, and continues to donate all proceeds to doggies in need. The items over there are mostly one-of-a-kind, and have been donated by a bunch of different crafters. Which is great, because that means there's a wide variety of designers, and they update the selection really frequently. So check that out.

And, while we are on the subject of dogs (and actually, when am I not on that subject? I am a one-track girl. Maybe because there is currently a dog sleeping on my left hand, which is making it difficult to type. But I don't want to move him, because of teeth.) (Guess who I am talking about, you guys!), Lindsay Designs continues to have some of the most gorgeous pet stuff in the world. Most cat collars come in around ten dollars, and they're lovely. Indeed, if I had a cat, he would wear this collar in blue, for a brief time, before ultimately being baked into a pot pie by Bo (see: teeth, supra). There are also some great deals on her clearance page, with collars for dogs pretty close to ten dollars. And she does people, too (hee) -- for the ladies, she's got these pretty flower pins. I love this one the most, and it's even on sale, for only $5.20. And that's a really lovely little gift, right there. And, seafoam! Which is a word I don't get to say enough. Seafoam!

So, besides saying "seafoam" a lot, know what else I like? Headbands. And cute little pocket mirrors (scroll down and look at those cute corduroy ones for $5, or the silk brocade for $6.50), so I can look at myself wearing headbands. And then I can think, "I should maybe wash my hair instead of thinking that I am somehow hiding its dirtiness with this headband." And then I can have introspection, and it's a fun time.

If you have a crafty friend on your list, then these bead kits look like they'd be fun. And of course, all crafters are sort of required by law to own at least seven hundred tea towels, embroidered with the fantastic patters from Sublime Stitching, because that woman is a fucking genius. A set of four patterns is ten bucks, and those patterns, all tied up nicely with ribbon, would be a great gift for anyone who likes that sort of thing; add some embroidery floss (which is, like, eight cents or something) and some white tea towels (they're everywhere; I got a bunch at the grocery store, actually, but they also have them at craft stores), and that's a really fun gift. And it's super easy to do, too -- I've made about a jillion of these (oh, naturally), and they all look like they're supposed to. Which shocked the hell out of me.

For the less crafty ladies, there are a lot of good finds at this site . These felted brooches are fantastic, as are these cute little hair pins. And y'all probably remember my obsession over the flower ring, which is just the coolest thing to be made out of plastic since...something else awesome, and plastic. That was invented before. Like credit cards, for example.

And because mine will soon be getting palpitations, let us pause in our shopping for a minute. Let us have story break. We will travel back in time to when I was five, and was attending pre-school. On that particular day, my mother wasn't home (possibly she was...giving birth to my sister, now that I think about it. Or recovering from that. Something along those lines), and somehow, my father was left with the responsibility of dressing and caring for a very squirmy and whiny me, who did not like turtlenecks, and who did not like her brown boots, and who argued to the point of hysteria that mom always lets me wear her old pantyhose to preschool, Dad, every day, GOD.

Now, the point of this story is not that I was a lying toddler. It is also not that my father ultimately allowed me to enter a public building wearing two tee-shirts, a vest, and a pair of corduroy pants with my mother's pantyhose pulled up over them, topped off by the brown boots. Instead, the point is that, had my father been in the possession of these at the time, then maybe there would have been a lot less explaining to be done when mom picked me up at school the next time. That's pretty much what I'm driving at, there. Memories are precious!

So, now that we have celebrated (1) childhood, (2) paralyzing stupidity, and (3) monumentally poor taste, we can get back to shopping. I continue to think that the sale section of West Elm's online store is a veritable gold mine of good deals, and these vases are a good example of that. They range from four to six bucks, and they're in my two favorite colors. (Also, I think shipping is free right now, so move on that, y'all. That's a good damn deal right there.) I really like those, and someone should probably buy me a boatload of them, and I will replace all of the furniture in my house with vases. And then someone else can buy me flowers, and we can all learn a lesson about teamwork while I drink a cocktail.

Hopping dangerously from cocktails to children, if you happen to know any who are...smallish, I guess, one clever reader sent in a link to this site. Now, I have no comprehension of how this works, but apparently, it involves stuffed animals for under ten dollars, and they have codes, and those codes can be used on the website. And then there are games, which I presume are kid friendly and educational, and are not primer courses for building your own My Space account, where fourteen-olds the world over can give themselves such clever screen names as "sexxxy1992".

Oh, look; I'm old again. Keeps happening.

Anyway, so. Moving on, to one of my favorite gifts: candles. Everyone needs candles, both for getting-it-on purposes with the mood lighting, but also to hide smells. Such as the smell of four overripe wiener dogs who kind of need a bath right now, thanks to the mud pit that is my back yard, but...no. And so, this is why I am, right this very second, burning this candle from Becca Lights. I love this candle. I love all their candles, and I bought about ten of them last year for people, and every one of them smelled incredible, and I somehow ended up keeping two. I may have dumped friends for these candles.

Anyway, they're only ten bucks, and they make a really nice gift for someone; just tie a pretty ribbon around the tin, and voila! Their house will no longer smell like dirty wieners, and for this, they will thank you.

Moving on...okay, stationery and paper goods are always awesome presents, and I am always happy to get them, because I like writing and stuff. And I think these notecards pretty much sum up the majority of my thoughts, because the majority of my thoughts are bad words. Y'all know.

I am also crazy about these adorable enclosure cards, which you can get in sets of three for five dollars, and which would make a lovely stocking stuffer. And, the very nice Dai has given us a code for 15% off; type in 2055501206, and it's good through the end of December. And that is a very good deal for so much prettiness.

In addition to candles and stationery, one of my favorite things to give or receive is always going to be good-smelling bath stuff. I mean, don't you think? Everyone likes things that smell nice, but most people don't just run out and buy themselves indulgent little bath salts and scrubs all the time. I mean, maybe you do, and then I am jealous, because the closest I've come is that a few weeks ago I bought a box of Mr. Bubble, and even that was done primarily in the interest of science. So I love getting that kind of thing, because it never occurs to me to buy it for myself.

So, I think something like this would be a particularly happy gift for someone who needs to be pampered. I particularly like the idea of the peppermint one, because festive!, but also, that's got to be all refreshing and sparkly. It makes me feel all tingly just thinking about it; peppermint scrub! Don't you feel energized? I rather do. And given the time right now, that is saying something. Job well done, peppermint scrub!

Let me also point out that when speaking of pampering, we should not exclude the menfolk, because holy shit, y'all. Look at this one! It's a gift and a compliment, all rolled into one! Just please do not give it to your father, because you will totally gross me out. Dukay, however, is getting six of these.

(Did I ever mention that Dukay has a size fourteen foot? Fourteen! He's like an urban yeti!)

(Not that I am implying that other...parts of him are a "big one." You know. I mean, I am, but I would never admit to such a thing, as I have principles and manners, and hi, Dukay's mom! Nice genes!)

But, anyway. So, while we're on the subject of menfolk and their parts, here's a gift that can go for the ladies or the gentlemen among us -- Threadless is doing another ten dollar tee shirt sale, and I am loving this one very much. And this shirt was obviously created just for me. Sycamore tree.

So, speaking of jewelry (which...sure), this site has some really incredible rings, and a bunch of them have been on sale. Plus, the code MISSDOXIE will give you 10% off your order, which is very cool, indeed. And maybe her stuff is not quite under ten dollars, but it is definitely close. Particularly if you add the ten percent off bit. Y'all please do not make me do any math at this hour, but...tennish. Definitely tennish!

Or, how about some pretty earrings from Erthe Fae? Almost all of her earrings are $10, which means that they qualify for the list of awesome. Well done, earrings! Also, they're all one of a kind, and her stock changes every week, so you can get something all special.

We have also received an email from the adorable Lilie at A Planet 4 Creation (she is just a sweetheart, y'all), who has put together an entire page of $20 and under gifts (most are actually under $10). Plus, y'all can get an additional 15% off (not on sale, BCA or club items) through Dec 18 if you use the gift code "Miss Doxie." You are rocking now!

Sharma Designs has a great selection of stocking stuffer earrings here, plus she'll give y'all ten percent off for entering "missdoxie" at checkout, AND it's free shipping until the fifteenth. It is like she is giving earrings away! Which is good, because I really like these ones. Maybe they want to come live at my house. Like, in the part of the house that contains my ears.

You can get yet another discount (but it occurs to me that I have no idea how much, now that I am in typing mode) by going to Dada Haus and using the code "Miss Doxie"; she's got some great little pieces, including these tiny origami earrings in a couple of different colors. And, know what word looks like it is spelled wrong? Origami. And yet, spellcheck says I am right. Wonders never cease over here, y'all.

Oh, and Dada Haus is the owner of a really, really fucking cute rescue pit bull. And I think people who rescue pit bulls should all be given complementary BMWs and foot rubs by the government. If I ever am finally named Empress, that will be one of the first rules I make, right after I am done drinking the blood of my enemies, or whatever the hell one has to do to be named Empress in this day and age. I bet lawyers are involved.

But at any rate, as long as I am busy making rules, now is also the time where I get to bend them just a little. This cute site doesn't have anything under ten dollars, but you can get some great pet portraits there. Plus, she sent me an email telling me that y'all can get free shipping with code freeship06 until January 10. And a pet portrait would be an awesome present for someone. Preferably someone who has pets.

And there's also this great site; lots of her pieces are on sale, and she's got a free shipping promotion going on, so you'll find some great deals there. Probably not under ten bucks, but excellent deals, all the same.

Continuing with my rule-breaking and life of crime, I adore everything on this site, but I have a special fondness for this necklace, which is only twenty dollars, but is very awesome. And I also love these earrings, which are twenty bucks, as well, and that ain't bad at all.

I also love everything on this site. This is the lady who makes the headbands that I often sport on my unwashed hair, and she is crazy talented. They're not on her site, but I bought a few of her aprons for gifts last year, and they were gorgeous. Over ten bucks, but very worth it. But the headbbands with the hair clips are really cool, and would make a great gift for people who have some hair.

And, to wrap it all up: if you're in the Atlanta area, you should definitely check out the Atlanta Craft Mafia's annual holiday show this coming SUNDAY. Because, know what they have there? Crafts. And I got a ton of gifts there last year (including those awesome aprons from Relic Boutique), and people loved everything. because it was all individual and nifty. And besides, know what else they have there? Cocktails! God bless the marriage of shopping and drinking. It is a match made in my own personal heaven.

Note: CRAP, y'all. I wrote this up as saying Saturday, but it is Sunday. SUNDAY will be crafts. Do not go on Saturday! I am an idiot!

Needless to say, I know where I will be for a lot of hours on Sunday. And, I also know why I plan on spending the later part of Sunday napping. Thank you, Craft Mafia!

So, there you go. Gift Guide 2006! I hope it gave you some ideas, and happy shopping, y'all!

(Incidentally, I am convinced I have forgotten a hundred people, and I've been combing through old emails trying to make sure I've covered everyone who sent a code, but...I mean, it's now 7:30 in the morning, and I've been awake since Saturday morning at this point (yes. And we are starting Tuesday!), so it is entirely possible that I have overlooked something critical. If you have something to include, please email me again. I am sorry that I suck!)

***
And now, I guess it's finally time for me to do my whole little coming-out thing, where I'm supposed to tell everyone my big, nerdy news. And it's making me all shy, all of a sudden. Which is interesting, given that I've already told y'all, without any reservation whatsoever, a bunch of stories about falling down in public places, throwing poop out of windows, etc., that my dumb self has done over the years. But somehow, this is just...I don't know! It's more personal, I guess. And I just hope you don't think it's the silliest thing you've ever seen.

So, I guess, just...here it is: this morning, I'll be launching my own little store. It's nothing fancy -- just a place where I can sell doxie cards, paintings, and other crafty stuff I've made. The majority of the products are dachshund related, and were based on my little doodles. And ten percent of all the proceeds are being donated to Dachshund Rescue of North America, because they do very good work.

Again, it's not fancy, but still -- I'm all proud of it. I did everything myself, y'all! I figured out CSS, designed the site, and installed the cart. I made all of the products, chose the printers for the notecards, and got a tax license like a real seller person. I've worked all night long at least twice a week for the past three months, but it's finally come together. And you know, I finally feel like I can say that I've done my best, and that I've given this my best shot. And maybe that makes no sense whatsoever, but...I don't know. I guess it's just that this is something I love to do, and if there's even a tiny, bitsy chance that I might be good enough at it to make that work, even just part of the time -- then I have to try, you know? I had to try my hardest, and I finally feel like that's what I've done.

Probably Hallmark will not call tomorrow, begging me for an exclusive deal for my Bad Wiener notecards. Probably Hallmark would take one look at my Bad Wiener notecards, note that Hallmark is more in the business of making touching movies about old people than selling cards that say "shit" on them, and then Hallmark -- the company itself, on its little company legs -- would run screaming from the room. But, still. A girl can dream!

So, anyway. That's it, and I guess that is enough explanation for one little link. If you'd like to see what I've gone and done (or where my youth, energy, time, and money have all gone), please take a look. The new site is www.shopdoxie.com, and I hope like the dickens that y'all like it.

And finally, just so you know, nothing is going to change over here; this will continue to be my normal spot for bitching, moaning, tripping, drinking, etc. And now that I am not spending all night long staring at code and waking Dukay to ask him pressing questions like, "Why come computers don't just talk English? WHY COME IS THAT?", I will hopefully have more time to do fun things, including writing more entries. Or at least doing things that are interesting enough to warrant an entry, as opposed to "Tonight I spent seven hours trying to find something that looks vaguely like this: } Turned to crack cocaine for comfort!" And I'm definitely not going to talk shop or be all boring, or you have my permission to come stomp me in the head. Or to whack me with a wooden spoon.

Thwap.

So, that is it. All my big news! I told you it was nerdy. And I was right!

If you have any additional suggestions for the gift guide, send me an email, or leave them in the comments. Good luck with your shopping, and as always, y'all have a great week!

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (133)

Live, From My Closet: Now, With Extra Humiliation!

October 03, 2006

People, in the interest of total and complete frustration, I am going to go ahead and post this entry. I have written two other entries, but I have inadvertently deleted them both, and it is getting very very frustrating over here in movable type land. So, I am going against all of my better judgment, and am actually posting A Drunk Entry. I apologize.

Really, this is something which I never do, because my drunk entries are overwhelmingly stupid, although they are also incredibly funny to me at the time I am writing them. But then I wake up the next day and drink a Diet Coke and reread the things, and think, "What the hell? I made a joke about cellphones being small? Is it 1999?" and then I roll my eyes and delete the whole sordid business.

Only this time, I actually kept one, because it continued to be funny to me, and I thought, well, hell. I will keep this for my own amusement. Because at least I will sort of giggle mildly upon rereading. But I won't actually post it, because, I do not post drunk entries, according to a hardline rule that I made up one morning. And lord knows, we can't violate that ironclad rule of blog governance! Heavens no!

But, obviously, that was before I deleted two entries in a row, and before I finally exploded with HOLY SHIT SCREW IT ALL about the entire situation. And now I am thinking along the lines of "Also, screw that ironclad rule thing, too, because since when is the internet bound by rules? Guidelines, people! Advisories! That's all that exists in this brave new world, and I'm going forward with a drunk entry, and we will probably all survive."

And therefore, here you go, y'all. Date: Last Thursday night. Location: Childhood bedroom of parents' home. Parties involved: Dukay, self, and several dogs. And way, way too much wine. And again, I apologize in advance.

Drunk Entry I Can't Believe I Am Posting (Spelling Since Fixed)

So, Dukay and I have had some wine and we are giggling like a couple of miscreants (note to self: Just said "miscreant" in blog entry) (Second note to self: must stop being such dork) (Third note to self: Despite language, and repeated assertions that "I just don't get those kids today, what with their MySpace and their little fucking phones!" must remember that I am not actually sixty-five years old).

(Yet.)

Wait. I am off track. Anyway, what's up, Thursday night? We've had some wine.

So, how this happened is, that it is not entirely my fault. See. Because, I went to dinner with a friend, and that was very fun, and then I came home to my parents' house, and Dukay came over here, and then we had some wine with my parents, who are leaving town at dawn tomorrow to go away for a while and I will be dogsitting, and for this reason, I am here again. And y'all, this is all incredibly entertaining to me right now because I am totally in my high school bedroom at this moment, and there are treasures, TREASURES to be found here. Dukay and I are like pirates, and the drawers of my closet are our booty.

Booty! We have found photographs, and old notes, and most spectacularly, my old diary. And, oh, the fun we have had tonight at the expense of my seventeen-year-old self. Apparently, I was mad then! And also quite rhyme-y, and so we've also held an impromptu poetry reading up here, and I am thinking about calling Ziz and reading her lines of my poetic masterpieces, just randomly and without explanation ("You think you know me/ Based on what you see/ But I'm very different/ Sycamore tree.")

I seem to have developed these startling seventeen-year-old talents from an overdose of e.e. cummings, because there is NO capitalization anywhere, but there is also a healthy dash of Wesley Willis mixed in there, in that I just...randomly throw out words, apparently, which seem to bear no relationship to the rest of the poem (example: "sycamore tree"). I suppose this was quite deep and cryptic to me at the time, but now it is making me laugh so hard I am about to die. ("Pontiac! We build excitement!")

(People who do not know who Wesley Willis is: This makes no sense to you at all. It gets better below.)

But..."sycamore tree." Honestly, seventeen-year-old self: what the fuck?

Anyway, so, we are having fun with poetry. And we are having fun at my parents' house, once again, which is where I will probably live for the rest of my life, despite owning a perfectly good house several miles away. And yet, I am again not able to live in that house, because guess what happened this time? Because something is always happening with that house? This time, I came home from work one day and found that, oh. Someone stole my front yard.

Seriously. My front yard was stolen. Someone just took it. I pulled into my driveway, and could not help but notice that what used to be grass was now an enormous, nine-foot deep trench. What used to be solid green was now a bumper crop of Georgia Air and red, gooey mud. Spectacular!

Matters were not assisted by the fact that, taped to my front door, I located a letter from the Department of Public Works, explaining how they had exercised their easement to enter my property and dig the shit out of it, in order to fix the broken water main lying deep beneath my hydrangeas. Delightfully, along the bottom of the page, scribbled in green marker, was a name, a number, and a note. And the note said -- and I am not making this up -- "Call me about this big hole in your yard!"

Which I did. And this is when Mr. Public Works informed me that hey, love you, but going to need to turn off your power, water, and gas to continue searching the area for the missing, miscreant (note to self: just turned eighty!) pipe, because they couldn't much find it yet, and hey, how do you feel about fescue, anyway? It's lush!

About two seconds after I finished reeling from that stack of information, Mr. Public Works then asked me, in all sincerity:

"Now, tell me about your irrigation system."

And I said: "Rain?"

And he said: "HA HA! HA! Seriously. Sprinkler system? Garden hose?"

And I said: "Sometimes Bo pees out there."

And Bo said: "BO PEE IN YARD HOLE."

And he said: "HA! HA...heh -- Oh. Oh. You're serious."

And I said: Oh, screw you and your irrigation system, and just give me fucking fescue. Maybe I don't know what fescue is and frankly, I AM PLANNING ON GOOGLING IT, MISTER. But if you're going to dig to China in my front damn yard, then I want some fucking fescue in return. Or maybe some Chia. I think that is also a kind of grass.

Or possibly I just said: "I guess...fescue."

Anyway. That is why I am here. Because there is a hole in my yard, and various utilities have been turned off so that the city’s diggers will not accidentally be electrocuted or blown up, and can continue excavating the Lost City of Atlanta Suburbs in peace. And Dukay is here also, just because he likes me and stuff. And we are collectively not sober, thanks to the wine that also lives here. But despite the stolen yard and the fact that we are all packed into my bedroom, this evening has been fun, in part because of the poetry, but also because it has prompted Dukay to make us an appetizer platter from food discovered in the kitchen. Which is not a lot of food, because my parents are always traveling, and so their cupboards are all damn Mother Hubbard, but still, he's put together quite a lovely spread. Including various cheeses, crackers, and bologna, which he has carefully rolled for maximum bologna-attractiveness, and when I ate a piece he looked at me in horror and said, "You can't just shove it in your mouth! You need to appreciate the roll!"

Also, I am highly entertained by the fact that Dukay keeps wandering around and picking shit up, because I suppose it is just so mysterious up in this bedroom. He is currently in the bathroom, and I am guessing that he is smelling all the bath salts, because he just hollered out, "WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP FRUIT DOES THIS SMELL LIKE?" and that is the only logical explanation I can think of for why someone would ask me that question at 1 a.m. Anyway, I'm ignoring him. Hi.

Or, wait. Correction: I was ignoring him, but he has now emerged from closet, wearing a lampshade as a hat, and announced, quite seriously, that "THIS IS THE ONLY LAMPSHADE THAT FITS MY HEAD."

And Bo said: BARK.

Bo does not like it when Dukay wears lampshades on his head. Apparently, this is very threatening to Bo. Now we know.

Anyway, clearly, things are beginning to get a little bit out of hand up here, what with our rolled bologna, fucked up fruit and lampshades, so I am going to leave you with a few lines of poetry before I wrangle one boyfriend and four small, angry, scandalized dogs into the bed and force them all into sleeping. Wish me luck, but in the meantime, do enjoy, and be really, really damn thankful that I seem to have grown out of this:

There’s a thin line
Between love and hate
So I guess I don’t love you
You fucking ingrate.

Wheaties! The breakfast of champions! Y'all have a good day!

sleepytime copy.jpg
Bo just about had it with you, sycamore tree.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (74)

Apparently this is now a shopping blog, plus bonus complaining about Dukay's pants: Updated Pretty Much 900 Times, So Check For New Shit

December 01, 2005

All right, I have updated my last entry about five times, and things are getting silly. So we are moving on. Only we are not really moving on, because look at me, still talking about shopping. Because I have even more news for y'all. Are you just dying with glee? Yes, you are, too.

Okay. First off: Yay, y'all! You all had the best ideas for gifts, and many, maaaaany people on my list will be getting things that you recommended. Thank you very much, and feel free (actually, please do) comment with additional ideas if you think of anything else. Think! THINK HARD. THINK OF MORE. IT IS FUN. YES IT IS TOO.

Okay, secondly and unrelatedly, please note that I am now a member of the Damn Millionaires Web Team, which means that I get extra kisses or something, but really it just means that there is now an extra-pretty link on my sidebar (see?) that will take you to the place you need to go in order to purchase the DM's spanking new CD. I have bought mine, and as a member of the web team, it is my official duty to officially get All Up In Your Shit now and demand that you do the same. Buy, I tell you! or AB might beat you the heck up, and do not think that she won't. She will.

And, now, an unrealted thirdly: I've gotten about 500 emails in the past two days. (Hi!) A lot came from various online retailers, letting me know about their shops and their specials and deals, so I'm going to stick those all up here in a little Holiday Shopping Guide Take Two Electric Boogaloo in a minute. I have also continued to receive emails encouraging Dukay to OH MY GOD, WRITE THE FUCKING STORY ALREADY, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU. And I assure you that I am working on that.

And, finally, I have received emails about what is really the question of the hour, that being: OH MY GOD, WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WITH THE EMBROIDERED PANTS. This makes me hang my head in shame. Because: it is true. Dukay loves his embroidered pants. And Dukay wears embroidered pants all the time. And I am powerless to stop it.

If you didn't see it, in one of my multiple updates to the last entry, I complained about a certain pair of pants that Dukay insists on wearing with horrifying regularity. They are corduroy. And embroidered. With...birds. I have no words.

I am trying to find current pictures of Dukay wearing the pants, but unfortunately, this is not happening. I don't seem to have any. I cannot imagine why I wouldn't want to memorialize that for the ages.

Indeed, the only picture I HAVE found from that particular night (in which Dukay was wearing said pants with a plaid shirt AND an unmatching plaid jacket) is one of the most horrible pictures ever taken, of anyone, ever, and it is of me, and I look equally horrified and disgusted, and I can only conclude that at that very moment I was thinking about EMBROIDERED PANTS, OH THE HUMANITY.

Frankly, I really cannot even explain these pants without having to go lie down, so instead I will link you to the closet thing I can find, which is the women's version, seeing as even Brooks Brothers, official makers of hideous and frightening asswear, is too embarrassed to admit online that they do, in fact, sell these things for men. Apparently you have to go into the store and buy them in a plain brown wrapper. Apparently this is what Dukay does.

See, Dukay's taste in clothing ranges from "homeless" to "senior citizen", taking a strange but noticeable detour towards "Margaritaville" from the months of February through November, at which point he wears flip flops with, oh, everything. Including suits. He wore flip flops and a suit at a charity dinner last month. At one point one of the other women came up to me and gave me a hug, looked down at Dukay's exposed toes, and asked me, "Have you...just given up?"

Yes. Yes, I have. I am sorry, world.

But, you know. He has his good qualities. He is very cuddly, for example. Also, he can reach things on high shelves. So I keep him.

***

(Little stars mean I am about to change what I am talking about completely.)

In other news, I found out this morning that, because I am the newest associate at my firm, it is my responsibility to dress up as the elf for our annual holiday luncheon.

I would like for you to read that sentence again. I will even type it, once more, just for you: because I am the newest associate at the firm, it is my responsibility to dress up AS THE ELF for our annual holiday luncheon.

I don't know if anything about that sentence...jumped out at you. I do not include it here to inform you that I am the newest associate. Nor did I include said sentence so that you would be jealous of our surely-fabulous upcoming lunch spectacular. No. No, what I am really trying to convey, is that APPARENTLY, in the VERY NEAR FUTURE, I will be dressed up as an elf. At work. The costume includes tights, I was informed.

This should do much for my legal reputation. Surely, no one will ever have problems taking advice from me EVER AGAIN.

"Hmm, she sure SOUNDS like she knows what she's talking about, Bob!" "Only when she's not dressed up as an elf, Larry!" This is what I am imagining.

I am sure there will be pictures of this insanity, which I may get drunk enough to share with y'all. Until then, know that every time I see an elf on television or in the paper, every time I even think of Will Ferrell, I am filled with a slowly mounting fear. In two weeks, I will be paralyzed with terror, lying under my desk in a pair of enormous shoes with upturned toes, jingling sadly and hiding from the world.

But at least I won't be wearing embroidered pants.


***

(There I go again with the little stars. Twinkle twinkle!)

Back to shopping. Now, before I jump into this, let me first say a little something to the shopkeepers out there on the world wide whatever: Hello! I have heard from many, many of you in the past few days. And that is excellent, and I will happily include you on my little list, provided that you have some items that are less than ten dollars. That is the whole idea here; these are inexpensive yet awesome Christmas gifts. This is actually not a shopping website, and I can't "represent" you, and I can't post your seven thousand dollar items, and just...no. No. However, if you have a shopping site, and you do offer items under $10, and particularly if you have a coupon code or something you'd like to share with the class, please do email. I will add you with glee.

Now, back to everyone again: I'm going to repost some of the shops from the last update, but for the most part, these are going to be new people. if you're looking for good ideas, though, definitely check out the comments to the last entry, where all kinds of new products and stores were suggested. I'm not going to list them all here, because there are a ton of them, but do check those out.

AND NOW. FINALLY:

Miss Doxie's Under Ten Bucks Yeah I Said It Ten Bucks Holiday Shopping Guide Take Two: Electric Boogaloo!

Since the last entry, I was emailed by this store; she was so taken with the idea of the ten-dollar thing that she actually set up a site just for Miss Doxie readers, where she lists all her items under $10. And, if you look at her home page, she even welcomes y'all! Isn't that nice? I think it's so nice! Also, she is offering 25% off to anyone who signs up for her newsletter, so there you go. Ten dollars just became seven fifty, through the magic of subtraction.

Speaking of discounts, Jen is still offering readers 10% off of all purchases if you use the code CRAFTY at checkout. And she still has some of those cute aprons left, which means that someone is still getting cooking crap all over their nice clothes. Tsk, says my mother.

In totally different news, I have fallen completely in love with these little pocket mirrors, for six fifty a pop. I also love these, and pretty much everything from that whole designers series thing. Very nice for mom. Or, you know. Me.

I just got my first order of these, and they were so adorable that I instantly ordered some of her stationery, as well. Seriously, they come in this cute little frosted envelope and everything. I am brimming over with being impressed. Also, free shipping all the way up until January! So there's that.

Let's see, what else...oh! I got an email from this site, offering a 20% discount on anything to any of y'all who sign up for their newsletters. These pins for five bucks are very cute, indeed.

And, remember those candles I told y'all about? These ones? Look. Sale! Big sale! For ever so briefly! Making each eight dollar candle something more like...sixish! Six...fityisghhyrtswer. Something involving math.

And, updated: I got an email from this retailer, who had been linked in the comments to the previous entry; not only does she offer quite a few things (that last one cracks my shit up) for under ten bucks, but she also has provided us with a 10% off coupon code. Which is, brilliantly enough, "Monkeys." Hee! Plus, there is free shipping until the 15th, so very good deals to be had.

And I shall now list:

This site offers framed photographs for eight dollars each (updated to say, plus we got an email from her, offering 10% off your order if you type 'HOLIDAY' in as a voucher; it's case sensitive, so type it justlikethat. Thanks, Emily!). Here are some seriously pretty butterfly soaps for five bucks, or the more grown-up but also good-smelly looking greenish soap for five fifty; here are bath scrub bag things (I really don't know much about these, other than I want one). I've also found these awesome ribbon belts for eight dollars. Guess What, I Shall Now Update, I Know You Are Surprised: Miss Lindsay, over at Lindsay Designs, makers of aforementioned ribbon belts and soon-to-be-mentioned cat collars (that's foreshadowing!), is giving a 10% discount to all Doxie readers who use voucher code 051220106; she also alerted me to this very adorable dog treat section, and...wait, I think Bo just fainted from excitement. And the walls shook with the impact.

I must also recommend these notecard sets with deer (deer? ...deers?) on for six dollars; body butter cup sets for only four dollars, which are the gift that just keep giving, because they are perfect for massage (cough HEY DUKAY cough); these very adorable typewriter key chokers for ten bucks (those are really nice, actually); and sweet little pouches for those little annoying items at the bottom of your purse that drive you INSANE, INSANE I SAY.

Updated again, naturally: I just received an email from Sharma Designs, and they have a whole entire page of earrings for either $7 or $9, with free shipping. Also, she says that those Hella Good bath scrubbies (which I mention...somewhere in this entry) are very awesome. So now you know. Furthermore, I have gotten several emails (and a comment, as well; thank you, smart readers!) about this site, which offers a bucket of soap for eight bucks (scroll down)(wait, sorry, it is a bucket o' soap, making it totally "F"-free), and I am totally fascinated. Plus, it is tied up in a pretty bow, all ready to be given to someone who is maybe a little dirty.

Neighborhoodies is offering a special on customized stockings for ten bucks; this polo for boys is only ten dollars in white; and these little thank-you notes from Just Jenn Designs make a smart little holiday gift for six dollars. More updating: Also, if you didn't notice, Miss Jen left us a comment below (which, for some reason, movable type decided to ban; good move, movable type. Way to ban commenters who are giving us free stuff. Thanks for "protecting" me!), which says (and I shall quote for those too lazy to scroll): "Starting today, December 1st, if any of your readers mention "Miss Doxie", they will receive a set of holiday gift tags free, with their first purchase from www.justjenndesigns.com!"

Isn't that nice? And, y'all, I ordered some of those gift tags last week. They are super cute. And now they are FREE to you. Bam!

Updating Upshmating But This Is A Good One, I Swear: This site does not have anything for under ten dollars (yes, I am breaking my own rule), but she's going to give 25% off to Miss Doxie readers who use the discount code "missdoxie", PLUS she will give you free shipping, free gift wrapping AND a free gift with every order. And her stuff is gorgeous, so you should check that out. (Also she has a very cute new puppy.) Additionally, this site has very cute button and magnet sets for less than ten dollars (that's Canadian dollars, too, so even less for U.S. buyers), AND she's offering 15% off when you use the code MISSDOXIE15. And they're cute, and very good for stocking stuffers, and really, people. What more are you looking for?

Changing subjects entirely, I would like to note that if I had a cat, I would buy her this collar for nine dollars, and then she would be beautiful, and then Bo would eat her and we would all be sad. So it is probably best that I do not have a cat.

Speaking of dogs, Crafters for Critters is having a big update on Monday, so don't forget to check in with them.

Also, I can't help it, y'all, but someone is going to be getting one of these. In his stocking. Cuddly!

And finally, as of Sunday, expect me to be completely broke and my credit cards to all be wheezing on the ground in exhaustion, but guess what is happening in Atlanta? Indie Craft Fair Thing. YES.

I got an email from one of these lovely ladies some time ago, but accidentally deleted it, so I am very happy that she wrote back with the specs; it's in Decatur on Sunday, and there will be many craft things to buy, and many items under ten dollars, PLUS mimosas, PLUS champagne punch, and THEREFORE, that is where I will be on Sunday. As will Dukay. So if you see us, please say hello.

And you know, we won't be hard to find; he'll be the one in the embroidered pants and flip flops, and I'll be the one downing my sixth mimosa and cowering in shame.

(Psst. Y'all, do feel free to add more ideas, or to make fun of Dukay's pants or what have you, but do not be surprised when I am back in seven minutes with yet another update. Sure, you can act surprised, but I know you aren't really.)

Happy shopping! Good thing they don't have debtors prisons anymore!

***

I am updating a whole entire SECTION now, watch out, world: This has nothing to do with shopping, or with CDs, or even with being an elf, but long-time reader and all-around wonderful person NoodleJen is in the horns of a dilemma, as my mother would say. Her rescue organization, 1 At A Time Rescue, is based in Calgary, Alberta, but they recently went to Louisiana to rescue a whole bunch of Katrina-displaced pets. Long story short, the cats have all been adopted and happy, but seven dogs remain, and tomorrow, they're being evicted from the craptastic, asshole-run kennel that had promised to board them, but LIED, LIAR LIARS. If any of y'all are in the Calgary area, and know of a kennel that is not, I don't know, filled with ASSHOLES who steal donations (seriously), or know of someone who would be willing to foster or adopt, or whatEVER, please contact me, and I'll pass along the information to Jen, and maybe something can be done about these poor doggies.

Ugh. Spirit of the season, my ass. WHO STEALS FROM DOGS? Now I'm all het up.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (55)

Welcome To The Winter Of My Discontent (With Links!)(And updated seventy times!)

November 26, 2005

It is Saturday, two days after a Thanksgiving where the primary cooks were supposed to be my cousin Bridge and myself, but which naturally turned into my mother pretty much doing everything, while giving us "important," non-cooky jobs like, "wash the potatoes" and "turn on the oven and stand over there." The meal was excellent, though, and the fact that I did not actually perform the bulk of the cooking does not prevent me from taking full credit.

"I cooked Thanksgiving dinner," I am telling everyone. "I made that."

But I lie.

I hope all of y'all who celebrate the holiday enjoyed your own; I hope that you all ended up spending the late night at someone's house (read: mine) listening to the menfolk play the guitar while the women stared, fascinated, at a surfing movie El Dukay stuck in the DVD player.

Dukay has this...I guess we can call it a "belief" about surfing DVDs. He thinks that, no matter what the gathering, no matter what kind of music we're playing or food we're serving, a surfing movie must be playing on the television set. On mute.

Dukay believes this creates "ambiance." I believe it is weird, but I am, apparently, in the minority, because anytime ANYone comes over, they are immediately sucked onto the sofa, where they stare, transfixed, at a bunch of criminally tanned men doing half pipes or whatever the hell all over my television screen.

Seriously! Come over, you will see this. Dukay keeps the movies on rotation. He is not kidding you with the surfing movies. It would even lead one to believe that one of us had ever actually...surfed. In reality, we have not. In reality, surfing scares me slap to death. I can hardly even swim. And aren't surfers the ones who are always being eaten by the sharks? YES THEY ARE. And don't sharks already kind of...like me? YES THEY DO.

But, um, anyway. That is neither here nor there, and has absolutely nothing to do with this entry. This entry is not about how Dukay and I met (he swears he's working on it), nor does it include pictures of the dogs (I swear I'm working on it). It is a whole nother thing entirely.

See, now that Thanksgiving is over, it is, of course, time for the shopping. This year, I decided I would get an early start, and try to have all of my shopping done before Monday. This is funny. This is funny for very many reasons, but possibly mostly so because I do this EVERY YEAR. Every year, I do my shopping early. Then, some time in mid-December, I start to loathe all of the presents I have purchased, and so I buy new presents. THEN, around Christmas Eve, I am paralyzed with certainty that I Have Not Bought Enough, and so I shop again, and then everyone receives a multitude of presents, few of which make sense, none of which were requested, and ALL of which I hate.

Really, this is what I do. And...wait. Does this sound familiar? Because I believe...yes, indeed, I have complained about this before. Heh. I am both predictable AND wasteful! What a magical combination!

Anyway. Yesterday, I spent all day shopping. Being horrified of anything involving a mall, I only went to these cute new boutiques that just opened around the corner from me. Turns out THAT was a good idea, because know what they had there? Mimosas! Mimosas for the shoppers! AND everything was 20% off, and their stuff was really cute, so you know. I bought some things. For...um. Myself.

Unfortunately, that is not the holiday spirit. That is Grinchy. So I had to down my mimosa and give myself a stern talking-to.

"You are shopping for other people," I scolded me.

(That I is a bitch. Me just wanted some nice things, man.)

Eventually, I did manage to purchase a few things for friends and family, but for the most part, I dislike going out to do Christmas shopping. I feel oddly pressured, and really, I would rather sit at home with a glass of wine and order everything online. So that is what I did: I went home, poured a glass of wine, settled in with the dogs on the couch, and began an ordering frenzy which guarantees many, many visits from the hot UPS man. (The one with the big shoulders.) Obviously, this is win/win for all parties. Except my Visa card. My Visa card is quaking in fear.

Now, in the above-mentioned frenzy, I managed to stumble upon some excellent deals for presents, and I was thinking, "Self, people should know about these deals! People should know that there are attractive, cool gifts for other people, gifts that do not cost a lot of money, and which are available to everyone, The Shoppers, who need gifts this holiday season, but who do not want to spend an arm/leg. If ONLY I knew how to show those gifts to the world!"

I am embarrassed to report that I was contemplating sending a mass email to all of my friends before I remembered that: oh. I have a website. And, duh.

So I am going to show them here. Because I am helpy today, and it's Saturday, and I just don't feel like moving right now. Couch = comfy.

Now, while Robyn remains the expert on Christmas giving, I am going to attempt my own little list of excellent holiday gifts. But to make this more sporting, I am going to give myself Rules, and as such, all of these gifts run under ten bucks. Ten bucks! (Okay, yes, plus shipping, but we are going to ignore that for now.) Ten bucks is, like, two mimosas, y'all. It is three packs of cigarettes, or half a blowjob from that one lady I keep seeing in midtown (she has a sign).

So, without any further ado, I present you with:

Miss Doxie's Kick Ass Ten Dollars And Under Christmas Gift Guide, You Are WELCOME, World!

We shall start classily. Know what is cool? Art. Art is always cool, and possessing some knowledge of art always makes you seem more interesting. When I am trying to seem interesting, I say things like "Bauhaus" or "Rembrandt." That is why I am so fascinating to everyone.

Or...wait. That's right; I'm not! But whatever, because art remains interesting, and that is why these are such a cool idea. These are fifty postcards in a lovely box, featuring all manner of important modern art pieces. What is especially nifty is that they're about 4 by 6, which means you can either give the whole set to someone who loves art (at a very practical $9.95), or buy them, split them up, and frame them in standard frames (like this one, which is fifteen bucks, but also the only example I can find of what I'm talking about; I am sure you could find the same thing somewhere else and keep it under ten, is what I am getting at with all of these words), and then THAT is very lovely, as well. And will take care of ever so many gifts for all of the artsy people in your life. See?

But what, you might say, should I get for someone who does not like art? What should I get for that person in my life who considers "high art" to be a successful evening of binge drinking without vomiting in any moving vehicles? What should I get for the person whose idea of literature is being able to quote Office Space ("I celebrate his entire catalogue!") at painful, painful length? For THAT person, my friends, how can you get much better than The Napoleon Dynamite Quote Book?

Coming in at a respectable eight bucks, this book is definitely going to several people on my own list, because if I hear, "Tina, you fat lard, come eat your dinner!" one more time, I may have to start issuing beatings. It is time for people to learn new lines from that movie. I am only here to help.

(And to issue beatings.)

Still, I understand that the above gifts are not going to work for all. Around this time of year, there is always the need for the Generic Gift, the picture frame or the vase, that you can whip out of a closet and give to anyone. And for this purpose, I like these from West Elm. They're bronzish! And running from seven to nine dollars, on sale. AND you get free shipping.

While we're here, I should also note that West Elm has this pretty 8 inch pitcher for seven dollars. It seems somehow peaceful and clean to me, in whatever manner a pitcher can inspire such a reaction. And if you wanted to fancy it up, you could always pair it with a little bag of gourmet hot chocolate, and tie a pretty brown silk ribbon around the handle. This would equal maximum Marthaness.

(Ooo! While we are on the Martha-ing, have y'all seen those reed diffuser things? They are little bottles of oil into which you stick reeds, and they make your house not smell like dog? They are awesome, but also kind of fucking expensive for a room freshener, so I have been making it my Sworn Duty to find cheaper versions, and guess what. Pier 1 has them for twelve dollars, and I have no idea what ginger peach smells like, and maybe I am a little afraid, but whatever, I'm trying it anyway, and also I realize that this is more than ten dollars but THAT IS WHY it is in the parenthesis, y'all. Parenthesis do not have to comply with the ten dollar rule. That is another rule I just made up right now.)

Another good gift is stationery. I buy stationery for everyone, all of the time, because I personally like stationery, and also I am not all that creative. Basically, if you know me, you are probably going to get some stationery from me at some point. There you go. Now you know what is in the flat box.

An awesome place for stationery is Bird In A Skirt, a little indie-online site that has these incredibly awesome notecards in packs of ten for ten dollars. They come with little ribbons around! And animals on! I kind of want about ten packs for me, but then I remember how I had to tell me that We Are Shopping For Other People Today, and so me has to grumble and get them for other people. Stupid friends. (Incidentally, and back in parenthesis, that site also offers very adorable personalized stationery sets for $12 if you are willing to splurge that extra two bucks. You get two whole more cards, too! It is both logical and pastelly.)

And...hmm. I have been sitting here for two hours already. This is going to take nineteen years if I feel the need to offer two paragraphs of commentary for every gift suggestion, so I shall now take this to the list:

This pillow makes me happy in a way I cannot describe. Plus, it's marked down to ten bucks from fifty something, so hello, bargain. Also, has owl on.

For the girly girls, I like these cute little flower hairpin sets from Bonnin designs, which claims to have free shipping, even. Also, I am oddly fascinated by this ring, because doesn't it look really nifty on their homepage? I think that's two rings smooshed together, but they're just eight bucks a pop, so two together is Still Reasonable.

Oh, and while we're talking about rings (or, I am, anyway), I think The Carrotbox has some of the most awesome big plastic rings in the universe. Many are under $10, but they're just so nifty, y'all. Definitely check out the prototype handmade section, where everything is extra inexpensive.

More girl gifts I think are excellent include good smelling candles; these really cute altered notebooks from bunnidesigns (25% off and free shipping makes each book six bucks, people. SIX BUCKS); funky but inexpensive ($4.50 to six bucks) mod switchplates; pretty silk eyeglasses cases for eight bucks; or ten dollar soaps that looks like a doggie. And, speaking of doggies, I will highly recommend pretty much anything from Crafters for Critters, where a bunch of independent designers have donated goods for the betterment of our four-legged friends. I have bought all KINDS of gifts from them, but it's all one of a kind, so...get moving.

Okay, seriously, I could go on with girl stuff all day, so here is where I give you Good Ideas for Boy Types, like these personalize-able belts from Neighborhoodies. I would like to get Dukay a camo one with pink letters that says "I'm a pretty fisherman!" but I have a mysterious and sneaking suspicion that he would not wear it.

He is a pretty fisherman, though. I like waders! They are rubber pants you are not allowed to pee in. (Believe me on that; I went fishing one time.)

Anyway. You could also go for any of the many entertaining tee shirts at Threadless, all of which will run you an even ten bucks. I love them kind of unreasonably. I want a shirt with an octopus holding its little teddy bear. LOOK AT ALL THOSE LITTLE TENTACLES. COME HUG ME WITH YOUR TENTACLES, MR. OCTOPUS.

And...moving on. For the babies in your life, I adore these cute little $8 handscreened tee shirts. I also love these teeny little crocheted booties for ten dollars. It is almost enough to make me want to have a bab...wait. Never mind. I said nothing.

Now, for larger children, I am partial to creative toys, because I am just like that (you may have noticed this above; seriously, could I link to any more independent craftspeople today? Independent craftspeople, you owe me a drink), and so I like play-doh and beads (fifteen THOUSAND beads. Parents of the world, this is what I send to your children. Which is why I owe you a drink. Happy vacuuming!)

Also, Lite Brite has gone flat screen. I can dig it.

Hopping on the train of thought that leads us back the general gift front, you can always go with fun something-of-a-day calendars, like this one from the New Yorker, or this one with Sudoku games. (I have recently become kind of obsessed with Sudoku. Blame Ziz for that; I would never have started doing anything that challenges my mind on my own volition. I prefer to keep my mind flabby and unexercised. Like thighs; I want my brain to be like thighs.)

Now, books are always a good option, and to celebrate the upcoming opening of the new Narnia movies, there's a paperback reprint available now of the original full-color The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe book. For the more adventurous, you could give a book about the odd questions doctors are asked at dinner parties (yes, it's a nickel over ten bucks, but let's be flexible, folks). Or you could take a hop over to profanity with On Bullshit, which is an entertaining read. On bullshit.

I mean...have you read my blog? I could have written that book, people. On bullshit, indeed. Sir, you have no idea.

And, finally, if all else fails...have you considered a surfing DVD? Because I hear they're great at parties.

Now, I showed you mine, so you show me yours. Y'all tell me your own brilliant gift ideas. My Visa is waiting. And it is sore afraid.

Ooo, Shoppy Update:

The lovely Miss Bonnin, of Bonnin Designs, has emailed to let us know several things; first, her site is working again. Or should be. At any rate, it was briefly dead. It has been (or will be) revived! Frankenstein like! Only with jewelry.

Anyway, Miss Bonnin would like us to know that yes indeedy, she does give everyone free shipping, and ALSO, you can get a 15% off coupon by going to bussbuss, then to haute shops, and then to jewelry (or you could just click there. ME = HELPY.) That is where the coupon is (scroll down), and o, happiness, it abounds.

Seriously. One word: HELPY.

Also, incidentally, y'all are awesome with the gift ideas. Please keep them coming; I am loving (and, um...buying) everything. (And if your comment doesn't show up right away, don't worry; moveable type thinks anything with lots of links is spam, and so I have to approve it. It is silly, but it is, apparently, how I roll.) Kisses! Now go buy rings!

Another Update! Again!

I just received an email from Jen at Sweet Pea Handcrafts, and she is kindly offering all of you pretty Miss Doxie readers 10% off of your purchases. Just use the code CRAFTY at checkout, and voila. Voila, I say! Be sure to check out her line of handmade aprons, which are very sweet and maybe one wants to come live at my house this holiday season. For when I'm...uh. Cooking. Obviously.

Good LORD Stop UPDATING This Entry Every Seven Seconds

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I should probably just write a whole new entry already, as opposed to updating this one every time I get within six feet of a computer, but...lazy. I'm kind of lazy. And (dude, for ONCE) I don't have enough to say to justify a whole new entry.

But here are new things:

1. Uh, because I'm an asshole, I forgot to link to the site that originally gave me the idea for the ten-dollar-and-under gifts. See, what I did, was that I bought a bunch of these, which are the best and most adorable stocking stuffers ever. Seriously. Hi. I bought them for everyone. Including people who are reading this site right now. ENJOY YOUR BOOKPLATES, PEOPLE!

Pink Loves Brown also offers very cute personalized stationery, but did I remember to tell y'all that? Nope. Because I'm an asshole.

2. This site sent me an email and wanted me to let y'all know that they have several products for under $10. I haven't had time to check it out, but there you go.

3. Totally unrelated, but y'all, last night, I went out to a nice dinner party with Dukay, and spent the majority of the evening with him before I realized that he was wearing (1) a plaid shirt; (2) a plaid blazer in a different plaid; and (3) corduroy pants with hundreds of birds emboidered on them.

I mean...what the hell? Is someone missing a grandfather? Because: found him. Dukay just turned seventy-six. For Christmas I'm going to get him a new hip!

4. I linked to this site above, but justjenndesigns has more than cute little onesies. This gift set is twelve bucks, and these little totes are only eight dollars. I don't see how I can afford NOT to buy them.

5. Thank you all for your excellent suggestions! Except for the one about the arm! I am still kind of terrified about the arm thing. But everything else has been awesome. I really have bought, like...everything, including:

6. THIS. And I recommend that you do the same.

I would say goodbye, but I'm sure I'll be back in an hour with something else. I'm just annoying that way.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (63)

AHHHHHHHHHH

August 08, 2005

Say it with me, people. SAY IT WITH ME, AND FEEL THE LOVE.

EYE! KEY! YAH!

IKEA!

(Except that is totally not how you are supposed to say it, apparently, as it is truly pronounced Eee-Kay-Yah, or Eye-Key-Yay, or Place-Where-I-Wanted-To-Buy-Housewares-And-A-Pot-For-My-Plant-That-Is-Almost-Dead,-And-It's-Saying-I-Just-Need-A-Damn-Pot,-Lady-What-Is-That,-A-Buck?-BUY-ME-A-POT).

ANYWAY. Yes! I FINALLY WENT! Can you BELIEVE IT? After it has been open FOR A MONTH? Am I capable of expressing my sentiments about this trip without using upper-case words? NO!

And so we went, Dukay and I. And the overwhelming emotion that we felt, the feeling that permeated our bodies and souls, the sensation that rocked us to our very core, was: SHEER CONFUSION. We were confused. This is how it went down.

(We arrive).

Dukay: Where is In? Which way to In?

Self: I don't...know. Look! A yellow arrow. Isn't that sweet? It's yellow.

Dukay: Yeah, but, where does it...go? I don't think -- wait, we can't go that way.

Self: Suuuuuure we can, I'll just turn-

Very Important Ikea Guard: NO.

Self: ...around. I'll just turn around! Because In, In is surely...somewhere.

Very Important Ikea Guard: NO.

Self: I can't...turn around? I can't go forward and I can't turn around?

Very Important Ikea Guard: NO.

Self: I guess I...I back up? I go around that car? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Self: (Backs up. Guard looks at Self like Self is a total idiot.)

Dukay: I'm kind of getting stressed out.

Self: No! Shut up. There is no stress. This is Ikea. This is where Jesus lives, when he is not checking out the Manolo section at Neiman Marcus.

Dukay: Your religious views disturb me.

Self: What can I say? Jesus is such a shoe whore. It's true. That is how I am Christ-like.

Dukay: Did you just hear...thunder? Way to go.

Self: What?

Dukay: Look! Now it's raining. You've pissed off God! Nice one, IDIOT.

Self: Whatever! God knows I'm kidding.

Dukay: And now God is never going to let us find the entrance, BECAUSE WHERE THE FUCK IS THE ENTRANCE, OH MY GOD.

Self: Look, there has to be a way in. We're just...a little turned around, is all. It's got to be SOMEwhere.

Dukay: Wait! WAIT! PARKING GARAGE AHEAD, REPEAT, PARKING GARAGE AHEAD.

Self: Awesome. See? God totally digs me. He digs my irreverent sense of humor.

Dukay: WHATEVER. Anyway, now we find a parking place.

Self: Well, it's totally not going to be crowded, because we are here on, what...six o'clock on a Sunday? In the pouring rain? People stayed HOME today, man. We are the only ones here, I bet.

Dukay: If this is the case, then why are all the parking places taken?

Self: Hmm. It's the employees, I bet. Just the people who work here, ready serve all of my Ikea needs. These are totally not the customers' cars.

Dukay: You're an idiot. Also: we're never going to find a parking place.

Self: Oh, yes we are, NAYSAYER. There's one.

Dukay: We are now in Siberia.

Self: Just a healthy little walk!

Dukay: We are in the outskirts of Siberia.

Self: Shh. This isn't Siberia. It's, like...Guam, or something.

Dukay: HOW INTENSELY COMFORTING. But you know what would make me happy?

Self: What?

Dukay: FINDING THE ENTRANCE. I STILL DON'T SEE THE ENTRANCE.

Self: Well, it must be...somewhere. Huh. You know, they're really not making this easy on us, are they?

Dukay: I just want to go home.

(We eventually made it inside. And then we went up an escalator. And then we were Even More Confused.)

Dukay: Why does it smell like cinnamon in here? It smells like cinnamon in here.

Self: Maybe that's what a lingdonberry is. A berry of cinnamon! That exists exclusively in Sweden.

Dukay: I kind of hate cinnamon.

Self: Well, you are just a party pooper. Look! Little room displays! "Living in 180 square feet with eleven hundred people." Look at all the little beds!

Dukay: Oh, my God. I think I just caught claustrophobia. Can you catch claustrophobia?

Self: No, I think you're born with it. Oooh, I like that vase. I'm going to get it.

Dukay: You can't get that one. It has the store tag on it. You have to get it somewhere else. Someplace called...uh, the "Marketplace."

Self: Are we not...are we not in the marketplace? I can't buy these things and put them in my little yellow bag?

Dukay: You can have none of these things. These are display things.

Self: SELFISH DISPLAYS.

Dukay: Oooh, I like that picture.

Self: QUICK PUT IT IN THE BAG.

Dukay: Sigh. It's seven feet long.

Self: I'LL GET ANOTHER BAG I'LL GET A COUPLE OF BAGS LET'S GO YOU BE LOOKOUT.

Dukay: This store is STRESSING ME OUT.

Self: Where do we go now? I'm so confused.

Dukay: Now is when we need one of those yellow arrows.

Self: Look! LOOK! This way to "marketplace"! Where there are things you can actually PURCHASE.

Dukay: Spectacular. After you.

Self: (Walk walk walk.)

Dukay: (Walk walk walk.)

Self: (Walk walk walk.)

Dukay: (Walk walk walk.)

Self: (Walk walk WALK WALK WALK)

Dukay: (WALK WALK WALK WA-

Dukay: WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE WE.

Self: Honestly, I have no idea. Children's furniture, apparently. That's why the happy colors.

Dukay: Suddenly I hate children.

Self: Suddenly I hate everything.

Random Unsupervised Small Children In Stampede Form: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Self: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Eventually, we made it to the marketplace, and there were wonderful things in the marketplace! Glasses and vases and pots and little chairs and dog beds and EVERYTHING. It was awesome. And I bought...nothing. I bought nothing. Because Dukay was well and full in a snit by this point, and then we got VERY confused by the "as is" section, which contained something called a "Handyman Corner," and this contained...pieces of board. And not even real board! Pretend MDF board! FAKE BOARD. BROKEN PIECES OF FAKE BOARD THAT COST REAL MONEY. SO CONFUSING.

Anyway. I did find a bunch of stuff that I plan to go back and buy, sometime when I do not have a very frustrated Dukay in tow (honestly, thinking that Official Non-Shopper Dukay could handle Ikea was just my own personal delusion). And now that I know where the entrance is, NOBODY CAN STOP ME.

Well. Nobody except for that damned guard.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (54)

An Entry Where I Actually DO Buy Shoes Online

February 10, 2005

Y'all! There is a nifty little online raffle thingy happening over the next few days, where a lot of people (including moi) have dontated prizes, and you can earn raffle credits by donating to the March of Dimes, and I won't explain all of it because then I would just be RUINING THE SURPRISE, NOW, WOULDN'T I.

So! I recommend that you go here, donate some money to the March of Dimes, and then choose which raffles you want to enter with your credits.

Maybe you will win the thing that I donated, which is a gift certificate to my boyfriend Zappo's website. Because...shoes. Obviously. (What else would I donate? A dog?)

I should go ahead and admit that something bad happened to me last week, that being that I needed some shoes, and it occurred to me to look on Zappo's, which I had never done before. And immediately, I realized that This Would Be Trouble, No, Really, because...Y'ALL. So many SHOES. It is like porn to me.

In the course of the last week, Zappos has made a total of FIVE deliveries to my house, and each box was large, and as the poor UPS Man hoisted the biggest of the boxes through my front door, with its telltale "ZAPPO'S!" emblazoned against the side of the cardboard, he looked at me and said, "Lady, you only have two feet."

He may be right. He is also hateful.

Zappo's should come in a plain brown paper wrapper, like vibrators and dirty magazines. Everyone on my street does not need to know about my Zappo's problem. It is bad enough that El Dukay knows, and actually physically removed me from my laptop the other night, where I was shoe shopping, after we had this conversation:

Self: Hey, do you like these?

El Dukay: [Does not look away from television]

El Dukay: No.

Self: Yes you do. Shut up. I'm buying them.

El Dukay: [Does not look away from television]

El Dukay: You already have some just like them.

Self: Do not. I hate you so much.

El Dukay: [Does not look away from television]

El Dukay: The heel is too high and you will fall down and die.

Self: WILL NOT. I hope you get hit by a bus. I hope you get hit by the UPS truck when they come to deliver these pretty new shoes I am about to purchase.

El Dukay: [FINALLY looks away from television]

El Dukay: Wait, THOSE? You DO have those! You have that EXACT PAIR, in that EXACT COLOR.

Self: I...no? I don't?

El Dukay: YES YES YES. You own those shoes. I HAVE SEEN THOSE SHOES ON YOUR FEET. I AM GOING UPSTAIRS TO GET THOSE SHOES AND I WILL SHOW YOU.

And, of course he was right. But whatever. Some of you KIND people understand that when you have a pair of shoes, and you LIKE those shoes, sometimes you need to get another pair, especially when Zappo's is selling them FOR TWENTY DOLLARS.

TWENTY DOLLARS FOR TWO SHOES. You get the whole pair! That is basically GIVING THEM AWAY.

Now, to those of you who understand: I love you. Please come to my house and we will make out and try on all my new Spring sandals. And those of you who don't understand? Well. YOU can go hang out with Dukay and the UPS Man, and hate all day. I bet your feet are very sad.

But whoever you are, you should go enter the raffle. Babies and feet will thank you, and besides -- the UPS Man needs someone to laugh at that isn't...me.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (28)

In which I hardly complain AT ALL, and everyone is amazed

February 01, 2005

Now, I bet y'all thought I was dead. I am not. But I haven't been writing in forever, even after I BRAGGED to all y'all about how I have internet access everywhere now, even in the bathroom or the garage, ALL THE TIME. And you would think that this would mean I'd, like, post something. Sometime. But sometimes, things do not work out like we think they will. And sometimes, you magically kill the internet connection to your home. Again. You can blame vodka, but really. Let's get realistic, shall we? It was obviously the work of Stan.

But Stan hasn't been making many appearances lately, and things have been both fun and surprisingly busy. And it is really, REALLY surprising that I can say that, and not be lying (look at my face! No lying!) because, if y'all have been watching the news lately, you may have noticed that here in Atlanta? Know what we had?

Ice Storm. Yes! Just like the movie, only without the key party or the death.

And typically, you would think that an ice storm would be exactly the kind of thing that would FREAK ME OUT. Because, ICE. And also, COLD. And no driving, or leaving the house, or even standing outside for prolonged periods, because I live in the South, people, and my body is just not equipped for this whole "weather" thing. Typically, I strongly disapprove of weather. Weather blows.

But let me tell you what will make an ice storm totally fine, really, and that is when you may be trapped in your home, but you are not alone, not even remotely, because THERE ARE FIVE HOT GUYS trapped right there with you.

Yes. THANK YOU, LORD!

So, this weekend was spent with El Dukay, Dig, Timmy, and the Amazing Kiefer Twins (TWINS, PEOPLE), who I will call the Kiefer twins because they are very strong and tough Special-Forces-types and you do not want to fuck with them, OH NO YOU DO NOT. And they were, all five of them, stuck in my house. All weekend! They couldn't leave! Because there was a deadly wintry mix outside! But inside, we had chili! And nobody wants to go anywhere when there is chili.

If I could figure out how to post pictures to my new website, I would show you a picture of the participants from Deadly Wintry ReMix 2005, and all of y'all would just jump through your computers to throttle me, because one woman should never be blessed with this amount of Man Beauty in her home all at once. It just isn't right. TWINS!

Which is not to say that the weekend didn't have its moments. For EXAMPLE. At one point, El Dukay decided he would create the Deadly Wintry ReMix 2005 Official Drink. Good idea, but creating a new drink posed special problems, because we were running a little bit low on supplies.

(Now, quick side note. The lack of supplies was not entirely El Dukay's fault. On Friday night, just before the storm hit, Dig, Dukay, and I prepared by purchasing light bulbs, paper towels, beer, several bottles of wine, and two kinds of rum. We did not think to buy food, even though we were standing in the grocery store checkout line, surrounded by panicked shoppers who had loaded their carts with bread, water, and canned goods, and who were whispering "Ice storm = immediate death" under their breath. Food did not seem...important. At the time. Now, y'all, clearly, something is VERY WRONG with us. Something is SO wrong with us, that as we were leaving, Dig suddenly sputtered, "Oh, SHIT," and ran back in, and returned some minutes later with...A BAG OF LIMES. Which are NOT REALLY FOOD, PEOPLE. But I digress.)

Anyway, so El Dukay didn't have a lot of supplies, but what he lacks, he makes up for in sheer creativity, so he mixed together something that involved rum AND vodka AND something blue AND something old AND something new AND something borrowed AND God only knows what else.

(And now we will go off on another side note, in which I explain why you should NEVER TRY any of El Dukay's signature drinks, if you like your stomach contents to stay inside your body. Now, I love El Dukay more than dirt, but this is a lesson I learned early in our dating. One evening he fixed me a Bloody Mary that tasted ever so wrong, and I tried to be nice, but I lost that niceness QUICK when it was discovered that he had decided to mix the traditional recipe up a bit by adding...cinnamon. CINNAMON and tomato juice, y'all. Somewhere, Emeril just died. BAM!)

ANYWAY. So, because I have lived through this before, and because I possess a modicum of common sense, I left the room when it was time to do the shots, so I would be spared the image of various ReMix Participants bolting, hands over their mouths, for the toilets throughout my home.

El Dukay is not allowed to mix the drinks anymore. That is an Ice Storm lesson learned, and I encourage all of you to take it to heart.

And other things happened, too, like when I spontaneously decided that now, NO, NOW, is the perfect time to clean out the entertainment cabinet, so EVERBODY WATCH OUT, there will be organizing. And then there was also the singing, and the story telling, and the taking of the photographs, and the playing with the dogs, and the drinking, OH SWEET JESUS the drinking, until five in the morning, two days in a row. It was the best inclement weather situation I could possibly imagine, and just to PROVE that I have, apparently, done something that has earned me some major positive karma (I have no idea what that could be), the power never even went out. And we never ran out of wine.

But we did run out of ice. Yes. OH, the IRONY.

But anyway, that's enough about me! How have y'all been? Everyone been good? Hey, did I mention that there were FIVE hot men in my house last weekend?

Because, I don't know if I mentioned it. But there were.

Oh, and P.S.: TWINS!

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (19)

It slices! It dices!

December 05, 2004

So, yesterday I did a lot of Christmas shopping. And I was highly entertained by the fact that almost every store I entered had a clearance section, and every clearance section was FILLED with capelets. Ah, the capelet! We had such high hopes for you as a fashion item! But now we have all learned An Important Lesson, namely, "We should not base our Winter line on anything recommended by the contestants on the Apprentice," and also, "Why would anyone actually need a capelet, anyway? This item of clothing makes no sense. It is like a slap bracelet for grown-ups."

The Capelet: What You Wear When You Just Can't Commit To A Coat! What You Wear When your Shoulders Are Kind Of Chilly, But Not So Much Your Arms!

Anyway. I'm getting a little carried away with the capelets. But my shopping day culminated with the purchase of several items, most of which were for myself. Which is not necessarily the way Christmas shopping is supposed to go, but you know. A girl has to have something to wear. And a girl needs shoes.

And evidently, a girl ALSO needs to watch television at three a.m. and make the wise executive decision to call the Christian Children's Fund and buy herself a child. Because that is what I did, last night, while the horrified people in my den looked on, all, "Um, are you...are you sure this is a good idea? With the giving of the credit card information and the signing away of your life and etc.?" And I said "OF COURSE this is an excellent idea. Were you not LISTENING to Sally Struthers? Do you think she would LIE? Did you see those FLIES? It costs less than a cup of coffee every day!"

Thankfully for all involved, though, I was NOT convinced to purchase the amazing Ronco knife set, which came on right after the Children's Fund program. EVEN THOUGH it was twelve, no, THIRTEEN, no, FIFTEEN, NO, TWENTY ONE HIGH QUALITY RONCO KNIVES all for just THREE EASY PAYMENTS of $13.33!!! That's like a twelve million dollar value, and that nice Ron Popeil just wants you to HAVE it. He's a giver, really. Just like Santa. And me.

However, I was intensely entertained by something called the Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver, because...hee. It was almost worth buying the whole set just so I could ask people if they wanted to see/touch/use my Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver.

And now I can't stop saying it. Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver! It never gets old! Yet!

Anyway, to sum up:

Christmas gifts purchased: 2
Items of clothing purchased for self: 6
Children funded: 1
Ronco Knives NOT purchased: 21, plus a FREE KNIFE SHARPENER
Office Christmas parties tonight: 1
Pointless entries written, but, y'all, it's just so EASY with the movable type and the typing and the thing and then, WHAM, it's there, and I wanted to post something despite the fact that I don't have anything to say, really, and also, the phone keeps ringing and I lose my train of thought so I'm all, uh, people, GIVE ME A SECOND, but there it goes again, and I've forgotten where I was going with this, exactly: 1

Everyone have a good Sunday! Maybe tomorrow I'll have something interesting to say. In the meanwhile, I'd better go do some more Christmas shopping, or else everyone on my list is getting a Ron Popeil Seven Inch Cleaver and a really FANTASTIC capelet.

Posted by doxie in I Got Drunk And Bought Shoes Online | permalink | Comments (14)