Old Dogs
So, apparently I have a major problem with doorknobs.
Example 1:
Last week, my parents went to a dinner party, and El Dukay was in Athens, but was
coming down to visit me. While I was waiting for everyone to get there/come home,
I was by myself. So I had a glass of wine. And it was good, and I had another one,
and then I got bored, and decided to go downstairs to look at the movies my
parents have, and also maybe have one more glass of wine for the trip, so I did
that, and then I was coming back up the stairs and about to walk into the hallway
when I was violently grabbed from behind. I looked over my shoulder, terrified,
because I am being ATTACKED from BEHIND by SOMETHING that was in the
basement!
Except I wasn’t. Actually, somehow, the belt loop of my jeans had become attached
to the basement doorknob.
Now, as a side note, let me explain that the basement doorknob is no ordinary door
knob. It is a handle-type device, with curls and curves and decorative accents. So
I said, "Huh. I seem to be attached to some decorative accents," and immediately
began trying to extricate myself. But guess what? I could not. I couldn't get the
angle right. Somehow, I had perfectly attached myself to the door. I couldn't see
the knob very well, because it was behind me. And now I was stuck. And alone.
But luckily, I was still holding my wine.
I tried taking my pants off, but I couldn't do that, because the doorknob is way up at
hip level. I tried ripping the belt loop off, but I couldn't pull too hard, or I could
damage the door. So I just stood there (leaned, actually) and drank my wine, and
waited patiently for someone to rescue me. Which did eventually happen, about
fifteen minutes later, when my parents returned, and found me bored, but
uninjured, and still attached to the door. At which point both of them immediately
sprang to action, which in this case means "went to find a camera and a telephone
to call all of their friends." I was finally released (although, to my credit, it took my
dad a good five or six minutes to figure out a way to get me unhooked, and he
could SEE what HE was doing), and we all learned an important lesson about the
dangers of drinking alone.
Example 2:
We did not, however, learn an important lesson about the danger of doorknobs,
which would have been a MUCH better lesson to learn, because the doorknob
nation made a second strike yesterday morning. El Dukay and I were in his room. I
left the room for a few minutes, and, when I returned, I closed the door behind me.
Dukay never closes his door all the way, because there's something wrong with the
knob. But I forgot. And as soon as I heard it click into place, and heard Dukay
shrieking from the bed region, I knew that I had once again been tricked. By a
doorknob. As a result, El Dukay and I were stuck in his room for twenty minutes,
during which time we unscrewed the doorknob, took the door off the hinges, yelled,
and tried to climb out the window. Eventually, we were free, but not before I
realized that I had been outsmarted TWICE in TWO DAYS. By doorknobs. And
they are hardware, y’all.
I know you're looking at my fine heinie.
I don't mind.