Old Tricks

23 Hours In
Philadelphia

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Old Dogs

New Tricks

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Things that confuse Gimmme:
1.  The porch swing.
2.  Diarrhea.
3.  Things that move.
4,  Everything else in the whole wide world.  

Special love box!

The following people are the
coolest.  For varying reasons.

My
AB don't mess around,
because she loves me so, and
this I know fo sho.

Coleen knows what's cooler than
cool--ICE COLD!

Lauren don't want to hear me,
she just wants to DANCE.

Allison don't want to meet your
DADdy.

Hannah Beth just wants you in
her CADdy.

Amy don't want to meet your
MOMma.

And Miss
Sarah B. is shaking it
like a polaroid picture RIGHT
NOW.

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Previous

Well, I went to Philadelphia.  On a business trip.  Because I am big.

And I was going to tell y’all about the business trip, but then it occurred to
me that, no, actually, I will not TELL you about it.  I will simply present a
series of conversations related to the business trip, and let you draw your
own conclusions about whether or not this trip was a success, or, you
know, yet another example of how I am, apparently, a retarded seven-year-
old who is allowed to put on business suits and sensible shoes and
wreak havoc on the legal community.  You choose!

Anyway.  Here’s my trip.  

5:40 p.m., El Dukay’s Car

El Dukay:   I sure am nice, driving you to the airport and all.

Miss Doxie:  I know!  I’ll miss you.

El Dukay:   I’ll miss you, too, baby.  

Miss Doxie:   Okay, anyway, have you got any money?

El Dukay:  Have I...what?

Miss Doxie:  Money.  I need a dollar.  Or two dollars.

El Dukay:   But I don’t HAVE any dollars.

Miss Doxie:   WHAT?  You are driving me to the airport and you didn’t bring
me any dollars?

El Dukay:    And you’re going on a BUSINESS TRIP and you didn’t think to
bring any dollars?

Miss Doxie:  I thought you would have dollars!

El Dukay:   I have no dollars!

Miss Doxie:  How about quarters, then?  Do you have any quarters?

El Dukay:    Dear God.  You are not a grown-up.

Miss Doxie:   Shut up!  I have to have dollars! To tip the curbside check-in
guy!

El Dukay:   Well, you’re going to have to just go inside and check your
bag.  We have no dollars.

Miss Doxie:    But I don’t know HOW to do it inside.  I have only ever
checked my bags and gotten my ticket with the curbside check-in guy!

El Dukay:   It’s really not that different.

Miss Doxie:   IT IS DIFFERENT.  I DON’T KNOW HOW.

El Dukay:   Look, just go inside...

Miss Doxie:   NO.  DIFFERENT!  How about nickels?  Have you got any
nickels?

El Dukay:   Just don’t tip the guy!

Miss Doxie:    NO! Then he’ll send my bags to Bolivia!  HOW COULD YOU
NOT BRING ME ANY DOLLARS?!

El Dukay:    Okay, maybe I am not going to miss you quite so much after
all.


6:30 p.m., Atlanta Airport

Miss Doxie’s Cell Phone:   Ring.

Miss Doxie:    Hello?

Cell Phone:    ....

Miss Doxie:   Hello!?

Cell Phone:    HELLO!  THIS IS A RECORDING!  THIS IS ORBITZ TRAVEL
UPDATES WITH YOUR RECORDED TRAVEL UPDATE, UPDATING YOU
TO LET YOU KNOW THE UPDATED STATUS OF YOUR FLIGHT TO
Philadelphia THAT IS NOW VERY LATE.

Miss Doxie:    Argh!  Damn weather!

Cell Phone:   THERE IS NO WEATHER.  IT IS JUST LATE BECAUSE IT IS.

Miss Doxie:   How late?  HOW LATE?

Cell Phone:   WE HAVE NO IDEA HOW LATE.  MAYBE SEVEN MINUTES.
OR NEVER.  GOOD BYE.


Miss Doxie:   (whimper.)


7:21 p.m., Atlanta Airport

Miss Doxie:   I’ll have two slices of cheese pizza, please.

Sbarro Guy:   You don’t want two slices of cheese pizza.

Miss Doxie:   ...Yes, I...do?

Sbarro Guy:   No, you don’t.

Miss Doxie:   ...

Sbarro Guy:   ...

Miss Doxie:   Ooookay.  I’ll have...the mushroom?

Sbarro Guy:   Wise choice.

Miss Doxie:    What in the HELL?


8:17 p.m., Atlanta Airport

Flight Attendant:   We are now finally boarding the flight from Atlanta to
Philadelphia.  We realize we are running two hours late.  That is too bad
for you.  Please get on the plane now.

Miss Doxie:   FINALLY.

Flight Attendant:   ...Unless you are in Zone 8.  Zone 8, you will be waiting.

Miss Doxie:   But I...but I’m in Zone 8!

Flight Attendant:   Too bad for you, Missy.

Cell Phone:   Ring!

Miss Doxie:   Hello?

Cell Phone:   HELLO!  THIS IS A RECORDING!  THIS IS ORBITZ TRAVEL
UPDATES WITH YOUR RECORDED TRAVEL UPDATE, UPDATING YOU
TO LET YOU KNOW THE UPDATED STATUS OF YOUR FLIGHT TO
Philadelphia THAT WE HAVE NOW DETERMINED WILL BE two hours LATE.

Miss Doxie:   You suck!

Cell Phone:   YOU’RE WELCOME!


10:33 p.m., Runway, Philadelphia Airport

Pilot:   Thank you for flying with us.  There is no weather in Philadelphia.

Miss Doxie:   At least it’s not raining, because I’ve got to go find a cab.

Pilot:   Oh, wait.  Rain!

Miss Doxie:   DAMMIT.

Pilot:   Planes have windshield wipers!

10:55 p.m., stuck in inexplicable middle of the night traffic in a cab on
some highway in Philadelphia with a cab driver featuring an accent of
no determinable origin.

Cab driver:   Fock Madonna.

Miss Doxie:    What?

Cab driver:   FOCK MADONNA.  

Miss Doxie:   Fock Madonna?  As in, fock the mother of Jesus?

Cab driver:   No.  Fock Madonna.  The singer.  Her concert was tonight.  
That’s why the traffic!

Miss Doxie:   Oh, fock THAT Madonna.

Cab driver:   Right.  She socks.


3:33 a.m., Hotel Room

Bed:    STOP READING.  Just PUT DOWN THE LAW BOOKS and GET IN
ALREADY.

Law books:    Sigh.  If you don’t read me, you’ll be unprepared.  Read!  I’m
hard and boring!

Bed:    I’m soft and lovely!

Miss Doxie:   (Weeps.)


8:00 a.m., Restaurant with law partners: strategy meeting

Miss Doxie:   Zzz.

Important Partner:   AHEM.

Miss Doxie:    Zzz.  Zzz?


10:24 a.m., Trial

Miss Doxie:   Zzz.

Judge:    AHEM.

Miss Doxie:    Zzz.  Zzz?  Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.


3:15 p.m., Trial

Judge:   ...thus being a blah blah blee something, something else and
whatnot, etcetera and onwards, as in the immortal words of the great
poet, “Tyger Tyger, burning bright...”

Miss Doxie:   (Wakes up) Tyger tyger burning bright?  I know that!  John
Donne!

Judge:   No.  
Blake.

Miss Doxie:  Oh, that’s right.  Robert Blake!

Judge:  No.

Miss Doxie:   Yeah, it...oh.

Judge:    Ahem.

Miss Doxie:   I was an honors English major, you know.


5:15 p.m., Philadelphia airport

Miss Doxie:    La la la.  Going home, home home home.

Cell Phone:    RING.

Miss Doxie:   Hello?

Cell Phone:   ...

Miss Doxie:   Oh, SHIT.

Cell Phone:   HELLO!  THIS IS A RECORDING!  THIS IS ORBITZ TRAVEL
UPDATES WITH YOUR RECORDED TRAVEL UPDATE, UPDATING YOU
TO LET YOU KNOW THE UPDATED STATUS OF YOUR FLIGHT TO
Atlanta
THAT IS NOW VERY LATE AS USUAL.

Miss Doxie:   NO NO NO.

Cell Phone:   YES YES YES!  YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY AGAIN.

Miss Doxie:   What?

Cell Phone:   NOTHING.  ANYWAY, SUCKS TO BE YOU.

Miss Doxie:   (sobbing).

Cell Phone:   YOU’RE WELCOME!


8:97 p.m., Airplane, Philadelphia Runway

Pilot:   So, we’ve been on the runway for two hours.

Passengers:   WE KNOW THIS.

Pilot:   Anyway, we’ll be taking off any minute now.

Passengers:   YES PLEASE.

Pilot:   In fact, we’re going right now!  Check it out!  I’m revving the engine!  
We’re moving!

Passengers:   YAY!

Pilot:   And look at me, pushing buttons, and....hee hee!  NOT!

Passengers:   ???

Pilot:  I was totally kidding.  We’re not going anywhere for a long, long time.

Passengers:   FOCK YOU.

1,133:98 p.m., In the air somewhere

Miss Doxie:   Ah.  Now I nap.

Plane:   BOUNCY!

Pilot:   We seem to be...

Plane:   BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY!

Pilot:   ...experiencing some turbulence.

Plane:   BOUNCITY BOUNCITY BOUNCE!

Pilot:   I’ll just try...

Plane:   BUMPITY!  BUMP BUMP BUMP.

Pilot:   ...a different altitude.

Plane:   BUMPBUMPBOUNCITYBOUNCEBUMP!

Pilot:   Except that’s not working, either.

Plane:   BUMP! BOUNCE!  BOUNCE BOUNCE BUMP!

Pilot:   Strap in, folks.  It’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Plane:   BUMPITY!

Pilot:  I have ALWAYS wanted to say that!  Also, is there a doctor in the
house?  Follow that cab!

Miss Doxie:   (wailing inconsolably).        

Plane:   BUMP!


3:33:33:33 a.m., Atlanta

Miss Doxie:   (Lands).

Plane:   (Stops bouncing.)

World:   (Goes back to normal.)

Legal Career:   (Amazingly, still present.)

Robert Blake:   (Definitely not a poet.)

Dollars:  (Nowhere to be found.)

Hotel Room in Philadelphia:   (Still has my cute shoes in it.)

Entry finally written after a MONTH without free time:  Check.

I missed y’all!  Babies, I’m back!

And only three spent sleeping.

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