Old Dogs
Okay, y’all. It’s Thursday. Let the countdown to V-Day
commence. I now have...two shopping days left until I have
to present the Dukay with a gift that is just the right amount of
meaningful and sweet, and yet also possibly something that
he might like, even just a little.
Is...is an X-Box game meaningful? If I get one without
shooting and blood, can that be considered sweet? Hmm.
Anyway. Because this is obviously a problem, I’ve spent the
early morning desperately scouring the innernet for The
Perfect Gift. That can be overnighted to me. Preferably for
an amount that is less than my yearly income. So this is the
current tally:
Fancy face soap, purchased for self: 1
Really cute shoes, purchased for self: 2, equaling one
pair
Online Quizzes found: 156,332
Online Quizzes taken: 156,332
Perfect Gift: 0
This is bad. Maybe I should be looking for Dukay somewhere
other than in the Nordstrom’s women’s shoe pages? Hmm.
Well, I got nothing. For him, anyway.
But did you notice how many quizzes I seem to have
located? Y’all, why is the innernet so chock-full of these piles
of steaming pink crap? Why are so many of them love
quizzes? What makes my homepage the expert on
relationships? And who writes these quizzes, and their
asinine questions? Is it possible to FAIL one of these
quizzes? I really don’t think so.
In one sitting, I can take online quizzes that prove (1) that I
am a genius (well. That one is obviously accurate); (2) that I
will certainly get married within the year (nope); and (3) that
my aura is yellow (it is?). These quizzes have no basis in
reality. None. And yet...they draw me in.
I see their screaming headlines...IS HE THE ONE? Or ARE
YOU AS SMART AS YOU THINK YOU ARE? And my brain is
all, “Hey! I am TOO as smart as I think I are! I’ll take this quiz
and show these fuckers a thing or two.”
But it’s the love quizzes that really get me. I especially adore
the love quizzes that are written by someone with a PhD.
Sure. Standing for “Possibly Has Dated. Ever. Maybe...
once.” Because obviously, these people know nothing
about relationships. The only point of these quizzes is to tell
you what you want to hear. And as obvious as that seems, it
still blows my mind at how outrageously blatant they are. I
mean, subtlety, y’all! It can be a virtue.
So. In honor of Valentine’s Day. And the fact that I have got
to get back to my shoe shopping – er, back to my quest for
The Perfect Gift – I’ve prepared a quiz for you guys. Don’t
thank me! I love to give. Have fun. And no cheating.
So! IS your partner THE ONE? TAKE MISS DOXIE’S
LOVE QUIZ AND you’ll know for SURE after only TEN
QUESTIONS!
1. Well, do you think he’s the one?
2. Are you sure?
3. I mean, are you really, really sure, or are you just
telling me what you think I want to hear?
4. Well, you don’t have to get all huffy.
5. Fine. Okay, do you like...generally the same things,
but some things that are not the same?
6. Do you both eat food?
7. What is a word that rhymes with “guess,” and starts
with a “Y”?
8. When you are together, is that generally, but not
always, a good thing?
9. Is 6-3 = 3 a true statement?
10. Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you say “yes” for
me real quick? Thanks.
SCORING:
If you answered “yes” to one or more questions,
Congratulations! You’ve found THE ONE! You’re GETTING
MARRIED! Sure, you two have had your ups and downs.
But the test doesn’t lie, so now, it’s a definite! Marriage!
You! Go have a great life together, you crazy kids!
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! Kisses to you all.
Prove Your
Love!
Miss Doxie and El Dukay Kissin' on a Ferris Wheel.
Also Titled: When Two Pale, Blurry People Fall In Love.
Also Also Titled: Miss Doxie Is Not Actually Bald. She Is
Wearing Her Hair In A Ponytail, Because El Dukay Made
Her Go On Upside Down Rides, Which She Hates, And She
Sort Of Hated Him, Too, When This Picture Was Taken,
And Also Her Hair Was A Damn Mess.
Special love box!
The following people are the
coolest. For varying reasons.
Lauren don't want to hear me,
she just wants to DANCE.
Coleen knows what's cooler
than cool--ICE COLD!
Allison don't want to meet your
DADdy.
Hannah Beth just wants you in
her CADdy.
Amy don't want to meet your
MOMma.
And Miss Sarah B. is shaking it
like a polaroid picture RIGHT
NOW.
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Y'all! Don't you want to join my shiny
new Notify? Why not? Is it because
you like making me cry?