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You Get What You Pay For

August 08, 2011

A few weeks ago, we did the great chip-tasting-thing, and I think I came up with a name for it at the time (chip off? Chip Off of the old something? I forget that particular cleverness, possibly forever), and I've been working on an entry to describe all of the many...uh, "emotions" we experienced while tasting such flavors as "Roast Chicken" (emotions resembled most of the stages of grief, including anger, denial, bargaining, etc.), but I keep on getting hung up on stupid things while I'm writing. Like, what I'm going to name all of the participants. I asked everyone to give me fake names (see: Cookie), and some of them have, but then I forgot the fake names. So then I threatened to go on the random name generator and give them fake names, and when I tried that I ended up with one person named Urentha, which sounds like a body part, and nobody wants that. So, short story is that once I figure out what to CALL these people whom I see...oh, pretty much every day, I will finish up that entry. Brace yourselves.

But, in the meantime, I've been busy as all get-out over here. I had a huge project for work, which I literally (LITERALLY) just finished about 20 minutes ago, and sent off. Said project had pretty much occupied every second of my working life for the last few weeks, so finally completing it on this fine Monday has made me just giddy with joy! And it has also made me feel compelled to share some random updates with you! These updates have nothing to really do with each other, except that they all occurred in the last few weeks! Oh, and will probably result in me being sent to hell. Journaling!

Shit My Mom Bought

If you've been over on the Facebook fan page at all, then you know that, a few Wednesday mornings ago, I was just working away, being all legal, when my mom called from an estate sale and asked, point blank, if I wanted her to buy me a tombstone. A five foot tall marble tombstone from 1851, with the name "Julia Ann Benedict" carved on it, which was evidently just hanging out for eternity in someone's garage in Dunwoody, Georgia, and the whole thing was actually sort of perplexing and so I got quiet, and she said, "Are you there?" and I said, "I have no idea," and then I said I would need to call her back, because...huh. So she said she'd try to figure out how to take some pictures with her iPhone, but that I'd better hurry and make up my mind, because tombstones apparently sell like hotcakes at estate sales, and I was pretty sure she was making all of that up.

So, I couldn't decide if this would be a good idea. I mean, things on the good side of the equation included (a) OMG, our own tombstone, and that is awesome (b) It is ART, people; and (c) who the hell else would have a tombstone? And, we got MARRIED in a cemetery; who should own their own tombstone, if not us? BUY!

Still, on the negative side, considerations included (a) so, is someone...uh, "missing something?" Somewhere? Specifically, a DEAD SOMEONE?; (b) Brian's potential reaction, which I figured would be in the realm of "oh, HELL no," based on his shuddering, horrified response to my totally reasonable suggestion to turn an antique autopsy table into a wet bar; and (c) the fact that putting a tombstone in your dining room pretty much guarantees a full scale haunting. Like, I am pretty sure there is no loophole on that one. So: for the love of God, DON'T BUY.

Clearly, I was torn, and likely overthinking things, as I tend to do, so I went to the FB page and asked y'all what should happen, and the overwhelming response was WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU. BUY IT. BUY IT NOW OR WE WILL BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE. Thank you for your helpy-ness!

So I called my mother back and shrilled at her to HURRY BUY THE TOMBSTONE, DO IT NOW OR WE ALL DIE. So she bought the tombstone. It lives in the dining room now. Hello.

The presence of a tombstone in the dining room should not be taken as commentary on my cooking skills, THANK YOU.

Then I posted pictures, and that began the most awesome thread in Facebook history, in which various smart people actually tracked down Julia Ann, found out all about her family, and basically none of us got a damn thing done all afternoon, and that was big fun. And somewhere in there, I told Brian, and while his initial response (as chronicled in said thread) was not exactly enthusiastic, he's warmed up to the thing since then! And the reason why is because, like I said, it IS awesome, but also because it has become such a source of entertainment in our household. Entertainment which comes in the form of me, finding myself hilarious by drinking wine and doing such things as this:


But entertainment also comes in the form of Kitteh, who -- on the night the tombstone was delivered -- was immediately fascinated by it. Usually, Kitteh goes on great bug hunting adventures during the night, and proudly brings the carcasses to our bedside so we discover them in the morning. Usually by stepping on them and then me screaming, because I kind of have an AVERSION to fucking bugs and their intestines, but once the tombstone showed up, Kitteh stopped leaving us bugs entirely -- we no longer deserve bugs. We are not bug-worthy, and I would not normally mind, except now Kitteh leaves her killings directly in front of the tombstone, offering-like. Plus, she gazes at the thing for hours, which, I am pretty sure, means that Julia Ann is giving her specific instructions. Instructions like, "Kill the female first." I think she means me.

So, possibly we bought our own ghost. And then, to round things out, I also bought Brian an electric toilet seat, because if you buy yourself a tombstone and also an ethereal presence for the dining room, the least you can do is get your husband some butt-based technology. That is called compromise. I am awesome at being married.

The Other Thing That Is Going To Send Me To Hell

Which I cannot even believe I am sharing with you, but in my post-project giddiness, I evidently am. This is one of the many reasons I no longer receive emails through this website (the contact form lies; that email account has been dead for ages), so whomever has a conniption about this can just rub their mad spot and not get me all involved. And if you leave me hateful comments, I may be inclined to go in and change them to things like, "Miss Doxie, it just LOOKS like you smell good." I am not above any of this. See below.

ANYWAY, so. I have many friends who have children, and some of us were drinking and giggling over the necessary "good touch, bad touch" instructions that you pretty much have to give a kid, because...you know, bad touches are unquestionably bad, WAY worse than buying a tombstone-bad, and obviously, the concept of appropriate physical contact is an important one for kids to grasp. What is LESS obvious is why so many people recommend that this concept be introduced via the "Good Touch/Bad Touch" COLORING BOOK.

Various parent-type friends told me that this book existed, but I did not believe them and their lying ways, so I went googling. And it turns out: Well, hell -- it totally exists. And it looks like this:

Alternate caption: "Those lesbians are adorable." -- Unnamed BFF from the chip fiasco business. Name generator says we should call her SKYE!

And I found where you buy these books. And I found that, if you buy more than 100 books, you can get your own personalized message printed on the front cover. For only pennies more. Only...pennies. And, do you know what is usually very expensive? Personalized Christmas cards. You guys, do you see where this is going?


I'm sure Brian will be totally fine with this. I mean, it's not like I'm turning an autopsy table into a wet bar; just sending some family-friendly holiday greetings, with an important message! AND ACTIVITIES! Maybe I will even include crayons! I swear, I have the BEST ideas. Happy birthday, Jesus! Good touches for everybody!

Anyway, y'all take care, and watch out for rogue ghosts, electric toilets, and bad touches; I'll be back soon!


Kitteh, Scary doll Cassandra, and odd metal dachshund all brought Julia Ann a pear. Only 2/3 of this disaster is my doing.

Y'all. We are DEFINITELY going to die.

Sleep tight! FOREVER

Posted by doxie in | permalink


child.... oh, child.

you can go ahead and put me under that headstone, as i am now deceased.

Posted by: kristina | August 8, 2011 05:36 PM

That is a great idea for xmas cards! Such good thinking. I am so pleased to have you as an inspiration.

Posted by: Amy | August 8, 2011 05:42 PM

It is my great joy of Summer 2011 that Miss Doxie began journaling.

Posted by: Kimberly | August 8, 2011 05:43 PM

OMG! Okay, you totally rock, and if you are going to hell, save me a cubicle next to yours! Best freakin' idea for Christmas Cards EVAR!!!!

Posted by: sammynella | August 8, 2011 05:46 PM

Leigh, the world is so damn lucky to have you in it. And if one of my kittehs started leaving offerings to tombstones, well. My first reaction would be "Thank christ they didn't leave soggy rattle mouses in MY SHOES FOR ONCE" but then I'd probably burn a lot of sage, shriek "GO INTO THE LIGHT, JULIA ANN"!and I worry that I would need one (1) Craig T Nelson, and I am bummed that I do not have his phone number. BUT IF I DID, no poltergeist would be chillin' in THIS crib. Or, probably more accurately, I'd cry a lot and yell "JULIA ANN! HAVE A CAT, I'VE GOT PLENTY"!!! and I'd toss the cats one by one to the tombstone. I think about poltergeists almost as much as I think about zombies, and THAT, my friend, is A LOT.

Posted by: missbanshee | August 8, 2011 05:49 PM

I... Need to know where to order those coloring books (aside, I misspelled coloring and iPhone corrected it to vomiting - no, iPhone, I do not l want a vomiting book). And I need to steal your holiday card idea.

Posted by: Lisa | August 8, 2011 06:05 PM

Am SO happy you only use your powers for good.

Posted by: Sibyl | August 8, 2011 06:10 PM

Speaking of good touches, Baby Satan is taking his Miss Doxie w/him to the hospital. "I'll be good for LEAF.".

Posted by: Karpool Kitten | August 8, 2011 06:15 PM

> There is totally something serious wrong with you and I like it. A few years ago my dad has his first colonoscopy....they found polyps....they took pictures before they nuked em......he threatened to use the photos on his Christmas cards.....

Posted by: Kelly Colucci | August 8, 2011 06:46 PM

Uhhh, so how do I get on your Christmas mailing list? Because that is hilaaaaarious.

Posted by: Brynne | August 8, 2011 06:50 PM

Hee!! I love this!

Posted by: Melissa | August 8, 2011 08:04 PM

I wanna be on your Christmas card list so damn bad.

Posted by: catherino | August 8, 2011 08:37 PM

So if various readers (me!) give you their addresses, we can maybe have good touch holiday cards? Because honestly, I bet you could even find a way to profit there. Seriously though, who was the first person to be all "why yes, these molesty books would make FAB christmas cards"? It may be that said person is a secretevil genius.

Posted by: Liz | August 8, 2011 10:23 PM

Uh, Liz? That person is me. I am your secretevil genius. My resume is just GROWING TODAY!

Posted by: Miss Doxie | August 8, 2011 10:53 PM

I want to be you when I grow up. Seriously.

Posted by: Abby - Bright Yellow World | August 8, 2011 11:41 PM

LOLOLOLOL... damn you are funny! OK... so, my husband is sitting next to me on the couch, scratching his head and wondering what is so damn hilarious... OMG the interrupting of the tv watching... Thanks a LOT Leigh. I think I heard a harumph.

Posted by: paula | August 8, 2011 11:48 PM

Wow! I live in Salt Lake City and had no idea that coloring boook existed! Lol pretty awesome :)

Posted by: Tina | August 9, 2011 12:29 AM

Speaking of good/bad touch and pennies:
I used to work at a library and one of the picture books was called "Alice Doesn't Babysit Anymore" and it turns out that Alice doesn't babysit anymore because she's a big ol' perv. One of the perplexing dirty games she played with the children involved dropping bright shiny pennies in their (and her) underwear and having them fish around to find the pennies. Apparently these were multipurpose pennies because they a) got the pervy babysitting games going, b) were fabulous prizes, and c) bought the kids silence.
So boo to bad touching, but yay for pennies and their versatility?

Posted by: Sally | August 9, 2011 12:42 AM

It IS the best fb thread evar! !! And dammit I wanna touch this way christmas card ...so wish Va was closer ..when I gi to Ga to visit family im letting you know! !!

Posted by: brooke | August 9, 2011 12:43 AM

Do you mean that all I need to do is buy an old tombstone and my cats will leave their dead things there instead?! Wins all around!

Posted by: Frumptastic | August 9, 2011 08:50 AM

Oh my God, Sally, I am just LOSING it over Alice Doesn't Babysit Anymore. I hope the penny game isn't one of the "activities" in the coloring (AND ACTIVITY!) book.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | August 9, 2011 09:22 AM

"...so whomever has a conniption about this can just rub their mad spot and not get me all involved." I think I just peed my pants.

Posted by: Lori | August 9, 2011 11:27 AM

I hope Kitteh starts bringing Julia Ann pennies. Then you'll need to order her a Good Touch book and read it to her.

Posted by: Jessica | August 9, 2011 11:31 AM

I can not fathom how it is you bought the electronic toilet seat and passed on the RapidCast. Imagine the potential after a night fueled by something not for the kiddies - and those awesome personalized Christmas cards.

Posted by: Cursingmama | August 9, 2011 12:17 PM

It takes a very special sort of thought process to leap immediately from "personalized message" to "excellent idea for Christmas cards." I am utterly in awe.

Plus since it costs only pennies you're actually being very thrifty. That's a plus! Be sure to mention that to Brian.

Posted by: Cobwebs | August 9, 2011 12:48 PM

Delurking to say: Cobwebs -- it only costs pennies. But WHERE HAVE THE PENNIES BEEN?

I am so glad I checked missdoxie.com today.

I feel I must have a tombstone. That shit is going to be all over the design blogs in short order, you better believe it.

Posted by: JennyA | August 9, 2011 01:41 PM

This is possibly the greatest journal entry I've every read. Thank you thank you thank you!
I wish I was on your Christmas card list

Posted by: Lori | August 9, 2011 03:33 PM

Uh everytime I see a picture of Kitteh, I am like AUGH she stole my cat! Then said cat will walk by me and make a weird gurgley noise at me and I can relax. (sort of)

Also I am in the end stages of remodeling a room, my new home office....me thinks it needs a tombstone.

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | August 9, 2011 05:06 PM

Miss Doxie- a reminder that we still have very good wine and are very close and would love to be on your Christmas card list!!!!

Posted by: dabratzmama | August 9, 2011 08:48 PM

FYI: Your blog is currently #8 when you Google "Alice doesn'e babysit here anymore". Congrats!

Posted by: stanleystu | August 9, 2011 10:12 PM

Oh yeah, that does make sense. Obviously you are a secretevil genius (it's all one word). Also, it's possible I was on my fourth glass of wine while reading this the first time, hence my dense comment.

Posted by: Liz | August 10, 2011 09:29 AM

Did Kitteh really bring a pear? Cus if so, that trumps Gracie, my kleptomaniacal kitty, because, although her stealings HAVE been epic (three pack of boxer shorts, bag of frozen peas, corn muffins, wheel of brie), she has yet to deliver them anywhere more interesting that her lair. She has NO imagination.

Posted by: Vicki | August 10, 2011 02:18 PM

Dear Miss Doxie,

I have a rampant girl crush on you. That is all.

Kindest regards,

Posted by: Aunt Tasty | August 10, 2011 03:56 PM

Stacy, you are VERY MUCH contributing to this day not being a total piece of shit. NOT THAT I AM COMPLAINING. Anyway, let's make out.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | August 10, 2011 10:40 PM

O. M. G. I think I love you. Lol!!! Don't ever stop! 

Posted by: Jacquie | August 11, 2011 12:22 AM

Dill pickle potato chips are delicious and so is your writing!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | August 11, 2011 12:36 AM

Hello there... I am just going to copy and paste a conversation to you as a comment to this entry. It goes a little something like this:

My BFF: When you have a few minutes, I need you to go to Missdoxie.com and read her latest blog entry. Please tell me you find the coloring book part as funny as I do. I'm crying over here.

Me: I will check it out as soon as I can :)

My BFF: This chick is fucking hysterical. She lives near you. Meet her and be her friend so I can be her friend too.

Me: I'll get right on it

My BFF: Thanks. You're a good friend.

Me: I know

My BFF: Fucker.

Me: That too :)

My BFF: I love

Me: I love

*******several hours later******
Me: Ok. So... I read the blog. And... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FOREVER!

My BFF: Don't you want to steal that idea??? It is sooo good!

Me: I have enough bad karma without purchasing ghosts, but Holy Hell! YOU DO IT! AND TELL ME HOW IT GOES!

My BFF: Lol

So- I offer you thanks for making my laugh hysterically during my boring night at work. *hands you a pear*

Posted by: Martina | August 11, 2011 11:46 PM

And I also JUST realized she meant stealing the coloring book as a Christmas card idea. I'm slow.

Posted by: Martina | August 11, 2011 11:50 PM

YAY!!!! I'm all caught up!! Oh, Miss Doxie! How I have missed you!!

Posted by: Melissa | August 12, 2011 01:57 AM

I am so glad you bought the tombstone and put t at YOUR house. It's actually wicked cool, but I'm a big WEENIE and wouldn't be able to sleep with it in my house...hey, wait, did that photograph just look at me weird? Kitteh's fascination/worship of Julia is pretty damn funny.

Posted by: elz | August 14, 2011 10:26 PM

I haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time!! So glad I found your blog.

Posted by: Loredana | August 15, 2011 10:44 PM

http://imgur.com/gallery/FxfjR (it's a picture for your amusement, not spam). Enjoy.

Posted by: Dani | August 16, 2011 04:41 PM

Soooo, many years ago in the early 2000's I was a faithful reader of Miss Doxie and all was right in the world. And then something happened...I moved to San Francisco and changed computers and got sucked into some sort of non-blog reading universe, and I stopped reading. I just figured out that you still have a blog and you're still updating and there are TOMBSTONES and GOOD TOUCHES and I seriously feel like Christmas has come early. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to catch up on your shenanigans. This is awesome.

Posted by: heather | August 19, 2011 02:10 AM

I am so so glad you're posting again!

Posted by: brittny | August 20, 2011 08:54 PM

Holy shitballs, did I miss your updates. Also, I'm pretty sure there are a bunch of spammy comments above me? (THIS ARGUMENT COULD GO ON FOREVER YOU GUYS!) Fun. Anyway. Thanks for coming back, for being you, for having ridiculous animals (new husband included), and for making me pee my pants. Once. I think it was the goose story.

Posted by: ViciousKris | August 26, 2011 04:12 PM

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