« In Which I Slander Robert Frost And The Dictionary Guy | Main | I Find Your Lack Of Drawer Dividers Disturbing »

Shit My Friends Said

July 01, 2011

And also me. But we will get to that. Woo, journaling!

So, know what is the funniest part of that last entry? The fact that uniquity is actually a word. Not according to spellcheck, but spellcheck also doesn’t think that “spellcheck” is a word. It’s like some twisted self-denial. Anyway, THANKS A LOT, smart people in the comments. Brian read those, I will have you know. And now I have a smug husband. He’s supposed to be in charge of the math and heavy lifting! I'm supposed to be the talky one! Now it is ANARCHY, and I don't even know my place in life anymore. As heavy lifting is out, possibly I TOO will start making up words. If I did, then I would describe the ensuing marital teasing as being very floffic. It’s fucking floffic ALL OVER THE PLACE, and you know, I am still not sold on the legitimacy of uniquity. Uniquity is floffic, also.

IMAG0273.jpg
Incidentally, after all of your fried pickle comments, guess what I did. Bikini time is when, now?

Meanwhile, guess what I thought would also be cloop, other than fried pickles? To go through my emails and texts, and find the most random-yet-hilarious snippets, take them completely out of context, and post them. Some I sent; some I received. But all are sort of fucking spectacular, and...you know. Heeeee. To me, anyway. AS USUAL.

Thank God For Technology Which Allowed The Following To Be Shared

-- Last week, I had a dream that Brian and I were being chased by zombie dinosaurs. And then last night, I dreamed that Brian and I were stuck in the security line at Hartsfield, when I suddenly realized that we were directly behind Darth Vader, which made me be all, "Maaan, this is going to take FOREVER."

-- If I punched my boss in his left nut, recorded it, and put it on youtube, do you think Tosh.O would air it?

-- A REAL bag of water?!? HONEY! GET THE KIDS!

-- and that is when I picked up my letter opener and calmly stabbed her in the eye

-- That woman is pointlessness wrapped in a kitty cat sweater.

-- I do not think people should EVER wear cut-off sweatpant shorts. Isn't that illegal somewhere? Can’t we all agree on this?

-- I have returned to the magical isthmus, where upon arrival I was met by a contingent of gnomes and animated baby deer. They all say hi to Sef. He is very popular amongst fictional creatures.

-- Fuck off! These are MY pants! I BLAME EVERYONE!

-- The kids wanted to go ice skating this weekend, and all I could think about was my insurance copayment. We went bowling instead.

-- Do I want to have a drinking lunch? I don’t know. I guess “yes,” if you want MY DREAMS TO COME TRUE.

-- We borrowed your new Benz for a road trip; figured you wouldn't mind. Will call when we get to Mexico. BRB.

-- If an "estate" consists of 5 goofy dogs, a four wheeler, and a hideous oil portrait of your father in law, I guess we've made it!

-- BLESS YOU. BLESS YOU AND YOUR FACE.

-- I just realized that this dress shows WAY more cleavage than I'd intended. Happy Friday, mens!

-- I am in a hate spiral of cranky! Doesn't it sound tempting to spend time with me? I know!

-- I think this email chain just gave me an aneurism.

-- In Soviet Russia, law practices YOU.

-- For my 30th birthday, someone signed me up for the AARP. Now, my membership gets me on the list for the most ludicrous magazines ever. So, Brian comes in with the mail, all, "Ooo, Easy Spirit has a new collection!"

-- You’re going to make me get rid of my “Empress Of All Things, And The Boss Of You" signature line, aren't you.

-- Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet?

-- And now I keep being all, "Baby! You'd never kill my family in front of me, right, sweetheart?" and he is all, "OH MY GOD, OF COURSE NOT, WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?" and then I am like, "I loooooove you," and he thinks I am insane. Fortunately, it is part of my charm.

-- Because I have my own peculiar thought processes, I actually went from mulling Canadian coin price charts to wondering “What is Charo up to these days?” in a matter of seconds.

-- So, I looked up “confinement” in the thesaurus, and the synonyms include “hapteric,” “hidebound,” and “in lob's pound.” The thesaurus people are screwing with us, right?

-- If you don't come over and watch Amanda Bynes movies with me, I will literally kidnap you. Nobody will win.

-- Babies and fireworks! Babies and fireworks!

B: Can u pick up some vagisil?
L: What? Vag hurting?
B: Yes
L: Try a heating pad. Not what I meant when I asked if you needed anything @ grocery store.
B: Need a cracken, plz.
L: COMMUNICATE IN FOOD
B: *Horse*

-- I just told Cookie to eat her checkers, and she answered, “I am a short, fat, slut.” This is the most amazing conversation ever.

Z: Sorry, pocket dial
L: WELL I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU FILTHY WHORE
Z: Say hi to mom

-- Brian just asked what I was doing and I said “I’m texting Maggie back,” and he said, “You’re texting Megadeth?” Yes, honey. I’m texting Megadeth. I had very important thoughts to share w/them

-- Do you think Honey Badger gives a shit? From now on, whenever anyone talks shit about me, just think of me as Honey Badger.

L: Tried to say that you are my sweet honey bee; got spell checked to “horny bee.”
B: Improvement

-- Uh, sorry about the increasingly drunk text messages. This is a hangover text message. The text message of regret and headache. I don’t really know how to play Stairway to Heaven. I lied about that.

-- Just watched Black Swan. What could go wrong? Girl movie about dancing but then AHHHH! Now watching Girls Just Want To Have Fun as antidote because we are tense and scared of dancing. Wish u were here

-- Mad Dog 2020 does not express my sophistication strongly enough

-- so, we were talking about vagina nazis and your name came up

***

Update! Update which I couldn't NOT share:

Honey Badger is the Chuck Norris of the animal kingdom. I do not want to say who will win in a Chuck Norris vs. Honey Badger fight, because I know if I guess wrong, the winner will either roundhouse kick my ass or share my carcass with a jackal.

***

Heeee. I'm sorry, these are just gems. So cloop. I love them all. My friends are hilarious.

You guys have a happy 4th, and feel free to leave your own out-of-context texts/emails in the comments (and kindly ignore it if you're moderated; that's not me. I have no fucking idea why that is happening; I set it up for automatic approval, and now my website has decided that I'm spam. So, obviously, things are just working SWIMMINGLY over here). But, point being, these will just not stop being hilarious to me. I want more! I demand more! Even if someone DOES think I'm a vagina nazi! I AM SURE THAT MADE SENSE ONCE. I also think it's best if we don't think about it too hard. We wouldn't want things to get all floffic.

Kisses, and happy holiday, y'all!

Posted by doxie in | permalink

57 Comments

I confess, I reposted the link to the honey badger video all over the damn place. (Also, spellcheck does not think reposted is a word.)

Posted by: Andrea | July 1, 2011 06:04 PM

Pocket dial is my favorite.

Posted by: annie | July 1, 2011 06:09 PM

Ok, officially in love with the new journal style. (Apparently ok is not in the spellcheck dictionary, either.) (Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok [I really love the squiggly lines{Oh, SQUIGGLY is in spellcheck? Interesting.}])And...YAY for fried pickles! Keep on keepin' on.

Posted by: MJR | July 1, 2011 06:29 PM

Leebossa!

Posted by: Susan | July 1, 2011 06:30 PM

First of all, hee! My boyfriend thinks I am a loon, with the crazy laughing over here. Second of all, the following is the best text message I have ever received.

Be right there. Am trying to blow dry my boxers.

Posted by: Michele | July 1, 2011 06:52 PM

Hee...first time in forever its been warm and I'm wearing cut-off sweatpant shorts right now (but only inside the house, never outside).

Posted by: glf | July 1, 2011 07:05 PM

Me: Bring pants just in case.
Him: Words to live by.

M: What does FTW mean?
me: Fart Towards Window
M: ohhhh
me: Good advice through the ages.

Also, I sort of did this on my blog a while ago. It's fun! http://bunneh-d.blogspot.com/2011/05/drnk-bynne.html

Posted by: bunneh | July 1, 2011 07:13 PM

Love you. Love this. I totally thought about Charo the other day. WTF?

Posted by: Niki | July 1, 2011 07:19 PM

Whoo-hoo, I'm in with the cloop crowd! And I am sure that were it not for the necessity of tedious context my shooting-uterus gem would be in there--it just seems to belong with the vagina nazi. (Maybe when the day comes for the Director's Cut of the Miss Doxie archived posts.) Lady, you continue to be the cloopest gal in town.

Posted by: Petticoats | July 1, 2011 07:25 PM

Best text message I have ever received was in 2005 and was:

"Rehnquist is dead. Don't get knocked up."

Posted by: Sarah | July 1, 2011 07:36 PM

What? No "iStole the iTouch?"

Posted by: Karpool Kitteh | July 1, 2011 07:41 PM

In southwest Fl it is BUTT DIAL not pocket dial. Occasionally it is a purse call as in "My purse called you".

You know, because it CAN. Purse is a bitch. I keep getting new ones but they are ALL bitches.

Posted by: Sara Sangermano | July 1, 2011 08:13 PM

HA! Oh, I love the knocked up one. And Karpool, you know I luff your signature. I can't use ALL of my quotes in one sitting, or this thing would be a jillion years long. At some point, they do like it when I practice The Law.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 1, 2011 08:14 PM

Also, first person to understand the checkers/short fat slut reference wins the whole internet. And possibly an inappropriate text message from my husband. Or I'll send you something. This is sort of a loose contest. Bo thought it up.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 1, 2011 08:29 PM

It was stapled to the chicken...

...just sayin'...

Posted by: Liz | July 1, 2011 08:40 PM

*likes Liz*

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 1, 2011 08:42 PM

Uh...want me to check your blog settings to see if I can get you unmoderated?

(And also, she hinted, I'm still available to help with yer damn redesign.) ;)

Posted by: Cobwebs | July 1, 2011 08:44 PM

Oh, man...how wrong is it that I know that you are referencing Overboard? So epically, *floffically* Wrong wrong wrong.

Posted by: lyrica71 | July 1, 2011 08:46 PM

Cobwebs! I think I fixed it! But yes, I swear to God, I will be talking to you about this fucking redesign. I've been working on a header! It will be GLORIOUS.

Also: Lyrica: you win things. I am not even shitting you. Overboard is possibly one of the best movies ever made, and I will not hear argument on this topic.

Please tell me you're in the United States, and I am not going to have to deal with the vagina nazis at the post office. And also, please email me an address to leigh [at] drawingghosts.com, and you will have a PRIZE! Later tonight, when I am good and drunk, I will decide what your prize is! YAY MAYBE IT WILL BE KITTEH

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 1, 2011 08:51 PM

OR SUMMER SAUSAGES

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 1, 2011 08:52 PM

Me: shouting "HI Ho Silver, AWAY!" she went off in search of that good for nothing Jesse

Him: whom she soon found naked at the local Dairy Queen

Me: smothered in whipped cream with a cherry precariously perched in an uncomfortable place and offering himself on a plate to two buxom waitresses and a huge Hell's Angel named Thor.

Posted by: lyrica71 | July 1, 2011 08:56 PM

Well, now I definitely have to send you something. Not from Dairy Queen.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 1, 2011 09:22 PM

Loving the journaling!

Here's another o-o-c convo for you:

I: the end by the basement door was screwed from underneath...
J: Ok. Hee hee, you said underneath...
I: Well, yeah. cause that's where i'm nekkid!

Posted by: ida | July 1, 2011 09:49 PM

And thank you JESUS I was over at rehab...

Posted by: Karpool Kitteh | July 1, 2011 11:30 PM

Me: Hey, is Bob Loblaw Chachi??
Sis: Ummm... Yes.

Posted by: Simbo | July 1, 2011 11:31 PM

I don't have any witty texty stories to share because nobody texts me because I hate people so I refuse to give anyone my cell phone number. Plus I'm incapable of communicating in short bursts like that.

Really I'm only here right now to test the claim that I won't be moderated. This is like a giant trust-fall because people have been making empty promises to me my whole life, and my precarious faith in humanity teeters on what happens in the next few moments. No pressure or anything, though.

Posted by: Siren | July 2, 2011 08:31 AM

Oh look! Hooray! There it is! I guess maybe it's safe to come back here after all.

Posted by: Siren | July 2, 2011 08:33 AM

This is fantastic. These texts are the floofest things I've seen in a while. Also, I am now going to co-opt that signature line and use it as my own.

Posted by: Liz | July 2, 2011 09:50 AM

What the hell is "floof"? I meant cloop. Obviously.

Posted by: Liz | July 2, 2011 09:50 AM

Nice wordsmithing, Liz!

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 2, 2011 10:29 AM

Me: I feel just like Donna Reed.

Sk: honey, Donna Reed would be wearing panties.

Posted by: Stampy Durst | July 2, 2011 11:13 AM

Michele wins the "make an old fart snort and laugh and scare Rusty the shy cat" prize from me! I'm just saying. Rusty keeps the house pest free (any pest - including field mice and moths) but is terrified when I start to laugh loudly. Confusing complex boy!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | July 2, 2011 01:19 PM

The first thing that flew out of my mouth after the Overboard reference was "That's my little cookie cutter!" That movie owns a large percentage of my brain space.

Posted by: Amy Leigh | July 2, 2011 03:04 PM

I have no amazingly funny texts to share, because I too have a cheapie phone which I use sparingly in order to have a cell phone bill of less than $100 a year. I do, however, have a funny youtube thingie to share. Have you seen My Drunk Kitchen on youtube? If not, please go and watch all these episodes. I found her from another blogger's website, and started watching about a month or so ago, and she is hilarious. I have no dog in this fight, I just wanted to spread the cloop.

Also, my made-up words include: thingie = usually an inanimate object, chickiedo = any person, usually female, whose name I can not remember, and dohickey = usually a placeholder for any thing living or not, whose name I can not remember. My memory has been heading downhill since I was about 25.

Posted by: Kelly | July 2, 2011 03:23 PM

My site has declared me SPAM also. I am not SPAM. I am Cloop. Uniquity. Anyway, I agree with whoever said "babies and fireworks, babies and fireworks" etc.

Posted by: Chickens Consigliere | July 2, 2011 09:26 PM

So I was using the "voice to text" feature on my phone. Big mistake, because obviously my mouth is full of crap or I normally slur my words even when sober.
Me: Let's go for italian or something
Phone translation: Let's go italian stallion
He said: gee thanx hon, but you know I'm Swedish, right?

Posted by: Wieners with chemistry | July 3, 2011 09:22 AM

We almost 4got the ecosystem. Uh doy!

Hulk found Casey Chase. Porn star.

I have never seen such a vulgar display of wealth in all my life. How can I get one?

Posted by: Steve's wife, Beth | July 3, 2011 06:19 PM

Omg! Fran is the walrus!

Posted by: Steve's wife, Beth | July 3, 2011 06:21 PM

J: there will be no A-hole only V-hole
N: hunni I'm aiming for any hole

Posted by: Judlet | July 3, 2011 07:21 PM

My favorite txt in recent memory was from a coworker: Can you fuck the email to me?
then, seconds after: "FWD! I MEANT FORWARD!"
Autocorrect is a dirt little bastard, innit?
Also, apparently my coworker txts the word "fuck" a lot. Which is amusing, and maybe hints that she's not as uptight as we all have believed.

Ooh, also! A friend txted me the other night: "The mustache. The mustache killed the romance."
Which... I honestly have no clue what that is about, as she is single, not dating, and is denying she sent that txt. Her phone apparently has technology gremlins, a la that 90's show "So Weird".

That said, that is now my favorite thing to say when my boyfriend and I argue... even though he has no mustache. "THE MUSTACHE... it killed the romance."

Posted by: Nicole | July 3, 2011 07:31 PM

OMG I want to live in your phone.

Posted by: Pam | July 4, 2011 06:46 PM

I am completely addicted to www.damnyouautocorrect.com.

Hours of hilarity!

Posted by: Edna from the great white north | July 4, 2011 10:50 PM

"I feel like chickens don't have vaginas."

Spoken by my niece when discussing where exactly the egg comes from.

Posted by: mcconk | July 5, 2011 12:43 PM

One final comment on 'uniquity'.

Eschew obsfucation!

Posted by: denimined | July 5, 2011 03:06 PM

My fave on my phone right now is my friend:

"What??? I don't just not got engaged!"

Followed by a conversation about getting proposed to with a cocktail and a cigarette in her hands...so you can understand her texting aphasia.

Posted by: Kelly | July 5, 2011 06:29 PM

PLEASE tell me you have discovered the GEM that is "Damn You Auto Correct!" AND! Because I enjoy unproductivity and trying to quietly smother my giggles, they have an IPHONE APP FOR THAT! I think you will find a new addiction when you read it (and also, tend to get very weird look while reading your phone and crying from laughter).

Posted by: Erica | July 6, 2011 10:30 AM

Favorite text in my phone right now:

"There was a lady in a very short dress sitting in the grass. I told Dave she needs to be careful because she could get chigger bites. Dave said, "Hey, hey, hey man! Don't be so rude AND politically incorrect! It's 'insect Americans'."

Posted by: Aunt Tasty | July 6, 2011 04:31 PM

I realize this is awful. Funny wins. Every time.

Posted by: Aunt Tasty | July 6, 2011 05:25 PM

Christ on a bike, this is some funny shit right hea.
My husband wins at timing. I got proposed to with no pants on. He was all, "will you marry me? You might want to put your pants back on, my family is in the next room with champagne."

Posted by: paula | July 7, 2011 09:31 AM

Remembered a new, disgusting word for you:

sharticles. –noun, plural sharticles

1. the particles of shit in the air that are produced from flushing a toilet: Close the god damned lid when you flush, you're releasing sharticles in the air!

Posted by: paula | July 7, 2011 09:35 AM

"i'm only writing this in a german accent because i think you will find it amusing."

Posted by: jen | July 7, 2011 02:39 PM

"I do on the other hand, understand pretzels."

Posted by: Slappy | July 7, 2011 06:14 PM

Miss Doxie? I love you. That is all.

And Liz - floof is the word that applies when you are on hour twelve of an all-day marathon of wedding dress shopping and ALL you have asked for ALL day is a nice, straight, simple sheath dress and the consultant has brought you the thousandth armload of giant, round, lace-trimmed, bow-bedecked, crystal-encrusted, crinolined monsters and you start to hyperventilate and the consultant is looking at you like "lady? Are you... having a seizure?" and the only thing your poor tired brain can think of to do is sob and point "FLOOF! THERE IS JUST SO MUCH.....FLOOF!" At which point they may nicely ask you to please exit their nice clean salon with all the white dresses before you Exorcist.

This of course is just a theoretical definition. Obviously.

Posted by: Mystenigmary | July 8, 2011 10:00 AM

me: where r u?
K: in toilet...I'm trying to take blood from this bird

hilarity spoken (texted?) by a drunken vet nurse

btw when I was about 10 my brothers and I used to call each other "pumdy" which was the worst name EVER (shock horror!!) or "taabsh" (thick as a brick shit house)

Posted by: suziepuzie | July 8, 2011 10:27 AM

Just had this exchange:

Coworker: aghugghh, these days have been nuts!
Me: At least your head isn't on a spike. When you think about it things are really looking up for you.
Coworker: Excellent point
Me: Also, you're not a zombie. Or, are you?
Coworker: No, you're thinking of Nick.

Posted by: Slappy | July 8, 2011 05:00 PM

So maybe Anal Ass there needs to be moderated. LOL.

My boyfriend hates texting, and I text him all the time and he doesn't answer. Here are the last few texts I sent him over a weeks' time:
"Do you think Dave dyes his hair?"

"I don't know, but I know I want a burger."

"God dammit Chris Onyx shit all over the place! I knew it!"

"Ready to paper the shit outta the streets."

Me "Banana peppers are the devil." Him: "Where are you?" Me: "in the bathroom."

Posted by: Kate | July 11, 2011 03:33 PM

Does the world break if I do the mashed potato whilst making mashed potatoes?
No, but cthulhu gets a full on chub according to the nerdanomicon.

I mean, you are rather less attractive all corpsefied and gross, but I'll find the bright side in this when I read a poem at your funeral...Something with imagery.

Finished The Fountainhead. I want to pour out a 40 on Ayn Rand's grave and then get wasted and cry.

Glad that my finely tuned adrenal gland amuuuuuuses you.

Also my thumb looks fat and I am a little upset about that too.

DON'T EVEN FUCKING GET ME STARTED ON THE MICROWAVE.

WAIT. ARE WE MAKING HYPOALLERGENIC DILDOS?!?

Posted by: Kammah | July 19, 2011 05:44 PM

Post a comment: