Shit My Friends Said
And also me. But we will get to that. Woo, journaling!
So, know what is the funniest part of that last entry? The fact that uniquity is actually a word. Not according to spellcheck, but spellcheck also doesn’t think that “spellcheck” is a word. It’s like some twisted self-denial. Anyway, THANKS A LOT, smart people in the comments. Brian read those, I will have you know. And now I have a smug husband. He’s supposed to be in charge of the math and heavy lifting! I'm supposed to be the talky one! Now it is ANARCHY, and I don't even know my place in life anymore. As heavy lifting is out, possibly I TOO will start making up words. If I did, then I would describe the ensuing marital teasing as being very floffic. It’s fucking floffic ALL OVER THE PLACE, and you know, I am still not sold on the legitimacy of uniquity. Uniquity is floffic, also.
Incidentally, after all of your fried pickle comments, guess what I did. Bikini time is when, now?
Meanwhile, guess what I thought would also be cloop, other than fried pickles? To go through my emails and texts, and find the most random-yet-hilarious snippets, take them completely out of context, and post them. Some I sent; some I received. But all are sort of fucking spectacular, and...you know. Heeeee. To me, anyway. AS USUAL.
Thank God For Technology Which Allowed The Following To Be Shared
-- Last week, I had a dream that Brian and I were being chased by zombie dinosaurs. And then last night, I dreamed that Brian and I were stuck in the security line at Hartsfield, when I suddenly realized that we were directly behind Darth Vader, which made me be all, "Maaan, this is going to take FOREVER."
-- If I punched my boss in his left nut, recorded it, and put it on youtube, do you think Tosh.O would air it?
-- A REAL bag of water?!? HONEY! GET THE KIDS!
-- and that is when I picked up my letter opener and calmly stabbed her in the eye
-- That woman is pointlessness wrapped in a kitty cat sweater.
-- I do not think people should EVER wear cut-off sweatpant shorts. Isn't that illegal somewhere? Can’t we all agree on this?
-- I have returned to the magical isthmus, where upon arrival I was met by a contingent of gnomes and animated baby deer. They all say hi to Sef. He is very popular amongst fictional creatures.
-- Fuck off! These are MY pants! I BLAME EVERYONE!
-- The kids wanted to go ice skating this weekend, and all I could think about was my insurance copayment. We went bowling instead.
-- Do I want to have a drinking lunch? I don’t know. I guess “yes,” if you want MY DREAMS TO COME TRUE.
-- We borrowed your new Benz for a road trip; figured you wouldn't mind. Will call when we get to Mexico. BRB.
-- If an "estate" consists of 5 goofy dogs, a four wheeler, and a hideous oil portrait of your father in law, I guess we've made it!
-- BLESS YOU. BLESS YOU AND YOUR FACE.
-- I just realized that this dress shows WAY more cleavage than I'd intended. Happy Friday, mens!
-- I am in a hate spiral of cranky! Doesn't it sound tempting to spend time with me? I know!
-- I think this email chain just gave me an aneurism.
-- In Soviet Russia, law practices YOU.
-- For my 30th birthday, someone signed me up for the AARP. Now, my membership gets me on the list for the most ludicrous magazines ever. So, Brian comes in with the mail, all, "Ooo, Easy Spirit has a new collection!"
-- You’re going to make me get rid of my “Empress Of All Things, And The Boss Of You" signature line, aren't you.
-- Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet? Are you here yet?
-- And now I keep being all, "Baby! You'd never kill my family in front of me, right, sweetheart?" and he is all, "OH MY GOD, OF COURSE NOT, WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?" and then I am like, "I loooooove you," and he thinks I am insane. Fortunately, it is part of my charm.
-- Because I have my own peculiar thought processes, I actually went from mulling Canadian coin price charts to wondering “What is Charo up to these days?” in a matter of seconds.
-- So, I looked up “confinement” in the thesaurus, and the synonyms include “hapteric,” “hidebound,” and “in lob's pound.” The thesaurus people are screwing with us, right?
-- If you don't come over and watch Amanda Bynes movies with me, I will literally kidnap you. Nobody will win.
-- Babies and fireworks! Babies and fireworks!
B: Can u pick up some vagisil?
L: What? Vag hurting?
L: Try a heating pad. Not what I meant when I asked if you needed anything @ grocery store.
B: Need a cracken, plz.
L: COMMUNICATE IN FOOD
-- I just told Cookie to eat her checkers, and she answered, “I am a short, fat, slut.” This is the most amazing conversation ever.
Z: Sorry, pocket dial
L: WELL I LOVE YOU TOO, YOU FILTHY WHORE
Z: Say hi to mom
-- Brian just asked what I was doing and I said “I’m texting Maggie back,” and he said, “You’re texting Megadeth?” Yes, honey. I’m texting Megadeth. I had very important thoughts to share w/them
-- Do you think Honey Badger gives a shit? From now on, whenever anyone talks shit about me, just think of me as Honey Badger.
L: Tried to say that you are my sweet honey bee; got spell checked to “horny bee.”
-- Uh, sorry about the increasingly drunk text messages. This is a hangover text message. The text message of regret and headache. I don’t really know how to play Stairway to Heaven. I lied about that.
-- Just watched Black Swan. What could go wrong? Girl movie about dancing but then AHHHH! Now watching Girls Just Want To Have Fun as antidote because we are tense and scared of dancing. Wish u were here
-- Mad Dog 2020 does not express my sophistication strongly enough
-- so, we were talking about vagina nazis and your name came up
Update! Update which I couldn't NOT share:
Honey Badger is the Chuck Norris of the animal kingdom. I do not want to say who will win in a Chuck Norris vs. Honey Badger fight, because I know if I guess wrong, the winner will either roundhouse kick my ass or share my carcass with a jackal.
Heeee. I'm sorry, these are just gems. So cloop. I love them all. My friends are hilarious.
You guys have a happy 4th, and feel free to leave your own out-of-context texts/emails in the comments (and kindly ignore it if you're moderated; that's not me. I have no fucking idea why that is happening; I set it up for automatic approval, and now my website has decided that I'm spam. So, obviously, things are just working SWIMMINGLY over here). But, point being, these will just not stop being hilarious to me. I want more! I demand more! Even if someone DOES think I'm a vagina nazi! I AM SURE THAT MADE SENSE ONCE. I also think it's best if we don't think about it too hard. We wouldn't want things to get all floffic.
Kisses, and happy holiday, y'all!
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