« Shit My Friends Said | Main | For What It's Worth »

I Find Your Lack Of Drawer Dividers Disturbing

July 22, 2011

So, as I have mentioned (or, probably it is better to say “bitched about unendingly”) over on the Facebook page, I recently had the overwhelmingly stupid idea to organize my craft room. It had been getting cluttered, and was becoming more of a dumping ground than anything else. Meanwhile, I’ve really been wanting to get back into being crafty again, but tracking down all of the necessary supplies was suddenly a pain in the ass, and everything was technically tidy, but it was also just all living sinfully together, in an orgy of unrelated items. Like, one adorable decorative box would contain fifty paint tubes (half dried up), a hammer, and a ball of twine. “Tossing random shit in a box” was not working as an Organizing Solution, so I figured it was time for a major overhaul, in which I would go through every drawer, box, and bag in the room, and get my act together. HA I AM FUNNY.

So, that was…what, three weeks ago? It was about three weeks ago when, armed with all KINDS of resolve, I got up on a Saturday morning and started slinging every. Single. Item out of the craft room, and into piles that spanned the entire top floor of our home. Brian, who was working the garage downstairs, would occasionally pop up to check on me, and I would always know when he’d cleared the landing when I heard him exclaim “HOLY CATS” (which, hilariously, is what Brian always says when his ass has been shocked right off his body. Usually that has to do with me suddenly having spontaneous “resolve”). But, anyway, holy cats was right, because in a very short number of hours, I had managed to remove about fifty trillion pounds of various crap and organize it into piles everywhere, absolutely everywhere, including on his side of the bed, all over HIS office, and even in the bathtub. Meanwhile, the cat was having an aneurism, but you know. Proud of self! AM MACHINE!

Until. The next morning, when I woke up, had coffee, and waited patiently for all of that big fancy “resolve’ to return. And, of course, it did not. And so I ended up sitting downstairs for the better part of the day, moaning at Brian about how LET’S JUST NOT TALK ABOUT THE TOP FLOOR ANYMORE, and trying to convince him that we lived in a ranch-style home. Upstairs seceded, baby! Good news, we get to sleep in the dining room! And I made these proclamations, and each was punctuated by the sound of the cat either (a) scattering yet another carefully-stacked pile all over the fucking floor, or (b) apparently fainting (*thunk*) from the horror of What I Had Done to her previously tidy kitteh apartment. “IGNORE THE CAT,” I would holler after Brian, as he ran up the stairs to give her smelling salts/remove her from the aforementioned twine/etc. “PRETEND WE DON’T HAVE A CAT ALSO,” I helpfully suggested. And then I drank more wine.

When it became abundantly clear that the craft room was not going to reorganize itself (…worth a shot), I realized I needed an actual plan of attack. I needed to figure out where all of this shit was going, and then I needed to…you know, put it there. This is sort of the basic principle behind cleaning, turns out. But in trying to reconcile “crap” with “places where crap shall now live,” I soon discovered that I didn’t have nearly enough places to put all of these little piles. And that was a happy, HAPPY realization, because that meant I got to go shopping for Storage Solutions! Shopping has to take place outside of the house! Yay, avoidance powers activate!

And this is why, in the last two weeks, I have made two (2) separate trips to Ikea, including one trip that involved a receipt with a COMMA IN IT (in my defense, I also had to buy a new slipcover for our enormous corner sofa; I opted for dry-clean only, because I am a fucking idiot), another trip to a home goods place, and a final trip to Target. By the end of this adventure in spending everything, I had all of the Organizing Solutions available to any human in the state of Georgia, plus now I also had Swedish-sounding organizing furniture in which to place my solutions, and even DRAWER DIVIDERS to go within said furniture (and you know you heave reached the end of this particular avoidance tactic when you throw your hands in the air and declare that “NOTHING CAN BE MOVED UNTIL I HAVE DRAWER DIVIDERS.” Hello, rock bottom). And so, at last in possession of all of these things, finally, last night, I crankily acknowledged – while splayed out in my pajamas, watching Hoarders (uh huh) – that it was time to get my ass upstairs to fucking finish the craft room. Sigh.

Which, y’all! I did! I put things in their Solutions! I put those solutions into Solution furniture, and now, I actually have a pretty kick-ass craft room. I (AWESOMELY) still have to scrounge around our dry-clean only sofa cushions and find enough spare change to get a bulletin board of some kind, as the only ones they had at Target were uuuuugly. Plus, I still need to figure out how to make the bookshelves prettier (y’all, what do you do with ugly books? Why does everyone else have pretty books except for me?), but never mind: at least everything has a home now. Of course, at this point, I am completely over the idea of doing any crafting whatsoever, and am actually thinking that this story will end somewhere along the lines of “And she never entered the craft room again,” and possibly it will all become very Ms. Havisham, and I will just vaguely wander through there in my wedding dress sometimes. This, too, could happen.

But…okay, I started with a point. And, point being, once I finally got down to the nitty gritty of going through every bag, box, and drawer, I found LOTS of things. Lots and LOTS of things. Some of these things were frightening (LIKE I FOUND A ROACH)(IT HAD EXPIRED), lots of them were just junk; a few of them, however, were awesome. And the most awesome find of all was my handwritten notes from our firm's annual Dragon Con Observational Party, 2008.

Now, let me explain: while I have never been to Dragon Con, I do know that it is an annual event that takes place in Atlanta, in which people from all over the world come into town and get dressed up in insanely awesome costumes. There’s no real…theme, sort of, because some of it is science fiction, and some is comic-book stuff, and some is Harry Potter, and some has nothing to do with anything and may just be an excuse for grown women to dress in fishnets and a pith helmet, but all of this takes place right in front of our office. And there is nothing quite so disconcerting (by which I mean FABULOUS) as running out the door to hit the food court, only to find yourself in the Chik-Fil-A line behind seven storm troopers, Dumbledore, and an unidentifiable character in a loin cloth. They are all getting nuggets. Dragon-Con IS AMAZING.

And so, at the same time every year, all of this leather-clad, sometimes sparkly awesomeness descends upon our city. And therefore, at the same time every year, our little crew of law firm miscreants commandeers a table on the Durango's patio, orders cocktails, and whips out the camera. And, because I am the biggest nerd of them all, I also bring a legal pad. And I take notes. For posterity. Like this:

Now I just need to find a notary
What did you just say about OCD? Hold on, I'll write it down.

Now, I have no idea why I take notes. As soon as I finish, I promptly lose them. But it turns out: in 2008? I apparently brought them home. And I apparently folded them up, and placed them in the craft room (IN A DIVIDER-LESS DRAWER). Last night, I found the many worn pages, and I was filled with an immeasurable joy as I relived that glorious evening, and that is what I am actually HERE TO SHARE WITH YOU TODAY, and oh my God, how did it just take me fifty years to get to this point? It did. In addition to craft supplies and ridiculous notes, I hoard words. I have hoarded ALL of the words. Y’all can’t even have any, unless you make up new ones, like Brian. ANYWAY.

Dragon-Con, 2008: Close Encounters With The Nerd Kind: Observations From Us, In Increasingly Tipsy Form.

(Thank God I also kept accurate accounts of the time. Otherwise this wouldn’t be legally admissible in court! I am seriously the biggest nerd of them all.)

3:36 p.m. CREW GATHERED! First sighting: Renaissance lady with fairy godmother tendencies. Point unclear.

3:43 p.m. Pirate [leering]

3:48 p.m. Something in unreasonable boots

3:51 p.m. Saucy wench

3:53 p.m. Dragon Mouseketeer from Hell

3:53 p.m. Anime (?) woman in nightgown; we are scared shitless

3:56 p.m. Attendees at Satan’s prom

4:00 p.m. Miscellaneous silky person

4:00 p.m. Cat girl is not trying very hard. We disapprove.

4:03 p.m. IT IS NOT ENOUGH TO WEAR A DANZIG SHIRT. GOD.

4:07 p.m. Full-on Joker! IT IS ABOUT TIME SOMEONE MADE SOME EFFORT. Also, the harlequin looking character from Batman. Equally full-on. But shorter.

4:07:30 p.m. I.T. Guys say that harlequin guy is Riddler. I.T. Guys think they are sooooo smart.

4:08 p.m. OMG BOBA FETT! This is what we are TALKING ABOUT.

4:17 p.m. Pfft. Woman with pink ribbon in hair. Sad attempt.

4:19 p.m. Fluffy chaps. So confused.

4:20 p.m. Extremely white guys in plaid shorts. Might just be golfers. Do look sort of terrified.

4:29 p.m. HULK! Full-on greeness! Waved at us! WE LOVE YOU HULK

HULK HAPPY!  HULK WAVE!
FRIENDLY HULK! HULK HAVE A BEER.

4:31 p.m. Lots of crushed velvet.

4:35 p.m. Dungeon mistress from the future; confusing

4:39 p.m. Guy who is:
(a) homeless
(b) On something
(c) Not scared
(d) No seriously
(e) HE IS REALLY NOT SCARED
(f) BUT WE ARE

4:40 p.m. Hi, building security! LOVE YOOOOU

4:41 p.m. Marvin the Martian re-envisioned as an Amazon woman in copper.

4:42 p.m. Saucy wench, redux

4:43 p.m. Possible carjacking; no one else seems concerned. Ignoring!

4:53 p.m. East German Men’s Olympic Team (assorted sports); many skirts.

4:45 p.m. Pirate carrying yoga mat

5:00 p.m. Slutty Mad Hatter. Girl, put your pants on.

5:11 p.m. Sacagawea from the future? WTF

5:12 p.m. Gay Boba Fett! Well PLAYED!

5:13 p.m. Assorted elves/hobbits. YAWN.

5:15 p.m. Same old slutty pirate costume. SEEN IT.

5:16 p.m. …Soccer zombie? Huh.

5:19 p.m. HA, Scotswoman in mini-kilt hitting on member of our party; girlfriend DEEPLY UNAMUSED

5:28 p.m. We seriously need another round of drinks over here.

5:30 p.m. OH MY GOD THIS PERSON MURDERED COOKIE MONSTER. IS UNREPENTANT.

5:32 p.m. Dumbledore; in street clothes.

5:36 p.m. George Lucas in his underwear

5:39 p.m. Aw, man; it’s that fucking crazy barefoot prostitute who hates me. Hiding now.

5:40 p.m. SHIT I’ve been spotted.

5:41 p.m. (Ooo, a green lady! We should introduce her to Hulk, and they can have green bab)

5:41 p.m. OMG CRAZY PROSTITUTE BARKING AT ME

5:41:30 p.m. Hi again, building security!

***

But then. At the end of that page, and as a new page began (and building security shooed away the crazy barefoot barking prostitute), things CHANGED. And I think it’s best to just show you the image of the final page, so you can see the moment at which our observational team STRUCK GOLD.

OMG OMG OMG
JACKPOT

YES. What is particularly awesome about this is that, apparently after seeing Darth Vader on the other side of Peachtree, I shot up from the table, jumped the fence, and bolted across four lanes of fast-moving traffic with the singular thought being to GET VADER AND BRING HIM BACK. It is almost like I did this with pen still in hand, as you can see from the tell-tale swooping as I put this non-plan into violent and immediate motion. And then someone else had to take over scribe duties as I convinced this poor Dark Sith and his insanely fabulous gay assistant (“Girl, OF COURSE Vader had a gay assistant. You can’t see shit out of that mask,” he explained) to (a) cross the street with me, and (b) meet a group of strangers who are now (c) drunk, and (d) waving hysterically from the bar patio like a bunch of fucking crazy people.

Are you my father?
I did it for ALL OF YOU

So...not a well-thought out plan, exactly. BUT GUESS WHAT.

You will join us or die
Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. We all know you're drinking cranberry juice.

LOOK WHO BROUGHT HOME THE VADER. This girl did! The force, it is strong with me.

Meanwhile, as I bonded with the Lord and his gay assistant, faithful replacement scribe continued to document the incredible events occurring all around us:

I WAS FLIRTING FOR THE PUBLIC GOOD.

Oh, I did not either stroke his light saber. But Dark Siths love cranberry and vodka! Who knew? Maybe they get urinary tract infections. Way to keep up that good bacteria, Sith!

Anyway. Clearly, Dragon Con is so awesome. And of course, we did it the next year, too, and I made a slideshow of that here; however, I have no idea where the notes are. Possibly in the attic. Or the trunk of my car. Or the freezer; do not care, my happy ass isn’t organizing ANYTHING any time soon. And furthermore, if I'm in town to see it this year, I'm not taking notes; I'm tweeting our observations, like a good nerd should. And then my drawer dividers will remain mercifully uncluttered, and we can all live happily ever after, a long time ago, in a galaxy far away. As long as they have vodka and cranberry juice.

Y’all have a lovely weekend, and I’ll see you soon!

Did I just feel a disturbance in the force?
Fine. He did have a big light saber.

Posted by doxie in | permalink

40 Comments

4:38 Pippy Longstocking Hooker

Posted by: Kelly Colucci | July 22, 2011 03:56 PM

What? Expired roach? I didn't think that stuff expired. Why, I recall, back in 1984 when I was moving, I found one in a treasure box and...wait. Never mind. The OTHER kind of roach.

Posted by: Deb from Austin | July 22, 2011 03:59 PM

Oh my god, I'm the first one? No, must be evil computer.
ANYWAY, for the bookshelves, pull all the books out to the edge of the shelf. That way, you don't have to dust. What happens behind the books is their business and is also a neat hiding place for Evil Kitteh.
Dragoncon needs you.

Posted by: Mary Holland | July 22, 2011 04:06 PM

No one makes me laugh like you. I have such a visual of you running across the road to accost Darth Vader.

Posted by: Laura | July 22, 2011 04:12 PM

So the thing is, I have to do that organizing thing to a room in exactly the same condition as yours and I do not have a cat to make it more entertaining or a husband who would take kindly to me spending enough dollars to warrant a comma at the Ikea so I have to come up with my own lame-ass "solutions" for all the glitter and rick-rack and whatnot and there is no way it will end with Darth Vader although there very well may be some vodka-cran in it somewhere! (And that is quite possibly the longest sentence I've ever written in my life.)

Posted by: Christine | July 22, 2011 04:18 PM

I also meant to say I really thought this was going to end with a picture of the well organized craft room. You totally threw me off track.

Posted by: Laura | July 22, 2011 04:19 PM

Need to see this...I have not ever had the courage to spy on Dragon*Con...can I watch if I promse to take the notes & lose them in my home?

Posted by: Karpool Kitten | July 22, 2011 04:20 PM

You could be the ultimate nerd like me and color-code your books. So organized and so pretty!

Posted by: Lisa | July 22, 2011 04:27 PM

I want to know why the "fucking crazy barefoot prostitute" hates you.

Posted by: glf | July 22, 2011 04:49 PM

GLF, is a mystery. We don't know why. One day, she was walking down the other side of the street, while I was sitting on the patio, my back to the road. Apparently, according to everyone else at the table, she did a double take, and then ran across the street, hiding behind columns and cars, until she was standing directly behind me. While I, being my normal clueless self, just kept on chatting, not noticing the growing expressions of horror on my friends' faces. It wasn't until someone finally said my name and pointed behind me that I finally turned around and discovered that she was RIGHT THERE. And BOY WAS SHE PISSED. She hissed at me, and then went and hid behind another column, where she'd dart out every few seconds to hiss some more. I've only seen her three times, but every time, she loses her everloving shit at the sight of me. Which is odd, because before that, she's just walking around, like everything is fine. I am her sworn nemesis forever.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 22, 2011 04:58 PM

As a regular DragonCon attendee and glorious fan of your writing, your version of DragonCon had me in stitches!

As for your books, why not turn the backwards, so the spines are toward the back? That way they all match (though if you intend to use them for reference...mmmm, might be tougher....

Posted by: DJ Spider | July 22, 2011 05:01 PM

I you and your stories!

Posted by: Linda_M | July 22, 2011 05:01 PM

You must go, and you must tweet. You shall be the Joan Rivers of Dragon Con. Also you can post pictures to twitter with your observations and it can all be done in real-time.

Posted by: annie | July 22, 2011 05:28 PM

See, now when I'm at DragonCon, I'm going to be on the lookout for Drunk Lawyers! The geeks people watch too:-)

Posted by: Madeline | July 22, 2011 06:13 PM

Also, thank you for not being overly mean about DragonCon. Other people get remarkably snarky about a big group of people just wanting to get their geek on!

Posted by: Madeline | July 22, 2011 06:22 PM

Try taking off any dust jackets, then the covers are all solid colors and you can arrange them by color. Please let me know what you think of the result.

Posted by: Dianne | July 22, 2011 06:29 PM

You can always get some cool wrapping paper, or just plain brown butcher paper and make book covers. Then find some cool designs online and make aged looking fancy lables to put on the spines with the name / author name. Or you can make up names like "Super Sexy Viking Erotica", or "Werewolf Spy Games", or something else Doxyriffic, and just for you. Also, Drunk Dragon-Con people watching = Winning!

Posted by: Kelly | July 22, 2011 09:54 PM

Dude, I love the Dragon Con folks. LOVE THEM. I am a HUGE proponent of people getting their freak on, and hell, what better place? I hope they have the best time ever.

That being said, I am TOTALLY going to judge you if your costume is just a Danzig shirt. I mean...seriously? You came all the way to Dragon Con, and that's the best you can do? DON'T FUCK WITH US, DANZIG. We will hold you down and dress you like a fairie queen, and THEN LET'S SEE HOW BAD ASS YOU ARE.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 22, 2011 09:55 PM

Also, Deb from Austin: I am adding you to the list of people I would totally marry, if that did not constitute bigamy and stuff.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | July 22, 2011 10:03 PM

Loved this. First time back to this blog in a long time and so happy you are blogging again - yay notes crafts and nerds!

Posted by: Lauren | July 23, 2011 12:23 AM

Omg! Can you come do my craft room/work shop? I have plenty of cupboard space (thanks Dad!!) but some cupboards are full of stuff shoved in it... As for Dragon Con, yay!! I wish I had the $ to go! Looks like fun! An online friend is going again this year and has been making her costume for months! Look for a Steampunk circus ringleader! Her name is Sue!! :D. And it looks AMAZING! You would be proud!! :)

Posted by: Jacquie | July 23, 2011 12:23 AM

Ok, if you promise to tweet about DragonCon, then I may actually get my ass on Twitter. What name do you tweet under?

Posted by: Jenne | July 23, 2011 01:56 AM

Kelly has a fabulous idea. Use all your newly organized craft stuff and make your books pretty. And YAY Dragon*Con! One day when I have the money maybe I'll see you there. And I'm still holding out for a Miss Doxie meet and greet at Ikea.

Posted by: MJR | July 23, 2011 02:30 AM

Okay, ladybug, this is why one NEVER decides to organize, however, great awesomeness at finding the Dragon *Con observation sheet! Back to the main point though. Life's too short to mess with organization. Just let things fall as they may (perhaps on a kitteh?)

Posted by: sammynella | July 23, 2011 10:51 AM

I, too, feel cheated and misled that there are no pictures of the allegedly now-totally-organized craft room.

Posted by: Siren | July 23, 2011 02:05 PM

We have something similar in Indianapolis called GenCon...it's my favorite time of year! The people watching is fantastic, and now you've given me a way to preserve the costume goodiness for all time! (though there's really no bar near where GenCon is held...but I have a pretty good view from my window...:)

Posted by: Jessica | July 23, 2011 11:19 PM

The Darth photos are great and the notes are all kinds of awesome, but I was also hoping for before/after photos of the craft room. And the barking barefoot prostitute.

Posted by: Chickens Consigliere | July 24, 2011 11:30 AM

You need to head to Pravda whenever you get down here to the city if sinful drunken stupid purchases. Same deal...but all the time.

And oddly, I just have been through(still going through) file cabinets filled with all sorts of important papers mixed with movie theater tickets and college/graduate school papers and research and bad teenage poetry I once wrote. The amount of shredded paper trash I have so far put out on the sidewalk would make an environmentalist weep. My apartment still looks like every piece of paper I have ever acquired from birth on has been strewn around with a leaf blower operated by a mental patient.

Posted by: Kelly | July 24, 2011 08:48 PM

Oh. My. AWESOME! I heart the drunken taking of notes (also the gradual deterioration of said notes as drunken continues on!) - warms my geeky little heart! Also, this entry is directly responsible for me dictating the following sentence (as I tried to pretend that "reading Miss Doxie and cackling" = "intense letter-dictation with serious throat-clearing" for the partner who happened to walk by in medias res): "In light of the foregoing, I cordially invite you to bring to my attention any future Darth Vader....uuuhh, DERIVATIVE, action." so, thank you for THAT! :)

Posted by: Mystenigmary | July 25, 2011 11:33 AM

This post wins the Internet for the month based on the title alone!

Posted by: Holley | July 25, 2011 09:01 PM

GAWD I just wish I lived within a 50-mile radius of you so I could go get drunk with you once in a while. I can think of nothing on the entire PLANET that sounds like more fun than attending the Dragon-Con Observational Party with you and your homies. Except I just swore that I was never ever ever ever ever coming to the Mainland again after somebody posted a picture of a thermometer. 111 degrees MY ASS OH HELL NO.

Posted by: Caroline | July 25, 2011 09:44 PM

Ok...I know you have to have seen this:

http://youtu.be/hp69rg6Hdlo

Watch and laugh...but put the wine glass down- not fun to shoot wine out of your nose ; o )

Posted by: tricia | July 26, 2011 09:25 AM

Ha! I go to school in ATL and go to Dragon Con every year. It seriously amuses me so, so much to know that somewhere a group of drunk legal-y people are being amused by my costume. :D

Posted by: Anahita | July 26, 2011 08:16 PM

Clearly, crazy barefoot prostitute is *Jennifer Aniston's* would-be doppelganger. Thus the hissing.

Also, for bulletin boards, you can just buy the cheapo ugly ones, then get some fabric you like, wrap it around the front, & staple it on the back edges. Viola, sassy color-coordinated bulletin boards!

Posted by: Dawn | July 28, 2011 12:28 AM

I know. I know how hard it is to find descent Jokers. I am glad you found one Ms.Doxie. So. GLAD. Do you have pictures of him?
(By the way. I am officially a new lover of your blog. I will tell the world about you.) c:

Posted by: Bubbli | July 28, 2011 01:16 AM

Now you've gone and done it - now I have to organize my whole damned house! I moved in over 4 years ago, got partially settled and then lost my job, got depressed and said to hell with it and haven't done a heck of a lot since then! Buddy and Rusty (the gonzo brothers - my redheaded cats) like things just the way they are and I've managed to have lots of excuses, including a very very mild stroke but still - the house is reasonably tidy but I cannot FIND anything! And I'm retired now so no more excuses! I must move beyond having ONLY the kitchen and bathrooms organized! At least my bedroom. And maybe the office! Perhaps even the guest room! So the Gonzo boys would have a new place to sleep!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | July 28, 2011 02:14 AM

Organization Skillz:
I. Room Organization: You Rock!
A) My sewing room is in mid-reorg. Cannot afford Storage Solutions. 374 yds of fabric and 3,231 closures destined to remain on floor forever.
B) I say "Holy Cats" all the time. My husband thinks I am peculiar.

II. Dragon Con: You Rock!
A) Just took my daughter to her first-ever Comicon, We probably saw a lot of the people you saw in 2008.
B) No Darth Vader cosplayer in the history of time has ever gotten so close to such a beautiful girl. You probably changed his life.

Posted by: Sibyl | July 30, 2011 01:52 PM

Oh, and I am seriously glad that you have returned to blogging. Yay! Thank you!

Posted by: Sibyl | July 30, 2011 01:57 PM

Seriously, that Hoarders show is a mighty mighty motivator (NEW FROM MATTEL!)

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | August 2, 2011 06:02 PM

I hope Dragon-Con is a summer clerk even b/c y'all would get the BEST clerks after that. Hell, I'd sign up.

Speaking of...I totally need to organize my craft closet...

Posted by: elz | August 6, 2011 09:59 PM

Post a comment: