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It's Not The End Of The World As We Know It

May 22, 2011

And I do feel fine, as a matter of fact. Even though I very much agree with Roger Ebert's assessment of the whole debacle: "Think what could have been done with the $100 million spent to advertise Rev. Harold Camping's bullshit." Awesome.

So! Okay, Apocalypse Not, as I like to call it, and that is lovely. But even though the world isn't ending, I figured I'd go ahead and tell y'all the bra story. And also, I will try to post some pictures of the dogs. I have no real plan here, did you notice? I AM JUST SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE! And I am just so completely avoiding doing responsible things, such as laundry (sorry, I was kind of looking forward to a post-apocalyptic Mad Max wardrobe consisting of fabulous leather pants and...I don't know, ripped shit. I figured we'd need to conserve water! I was doing it for the cause!). And it is Sunday and we're having a post-birthday party for Brian's mom this afternoon, and I...wow, do I need to straighten up the house, but you guys, let's just hang out instead.

Okay, so: you know. Bra thing (heeee). Although by now, I've probably built it up to the point that it is not even going to be funny anymore, but I am going to try anyway. Stick with me, you guys! Open mind! Tabula Rasa! Other words!

The Thing With The Bra

One of the awesome things about having a sister in L.A. is the noticeable effect this has had on my cleavage. This sounds wrong, I am sure, but here's the thing -- because Ziz works in television and movies, she always knows all of the best beauty tips and wardrobe secrets, and she shares these with me, because she loves me and she doesn't want to be waterboarded. But, anyway, one of the BEST things Ziz learns is which bras work best, and can transform a...well, board-shaped lady into a buxom type thing, and I have paid very close attention to her teachings in this regard.

So, a few years ago, Ziz sent me a package containing a Water Bra. Now, for those of you not familiar with the concept of the water bra, which has probably long since been banned by...I don't know, the FDA, or NASA or someone, it was a bra that was filled with a gelatinous substance (SOON WE WILL FIND OUT HOW I KNOW THIS) so that it gave you boobs, while also looking natural, and moving and...um, bouncing sort of naturally. It did not necessarily feel natural, unless you have boobs which are filled with a gelatinous substance (and you know, to each her own), but that did not matter as much, as most strangers do not feel you up upon being introduced. And the water bra really did do amazing things for the cleavage, to the point that, once I started wearing it, lady friends would actually ask me if I'd...you know, HAD SOME WORK DONE, while eyeballing my chest suspiciously, and I loved the water bra. Water Bra + Doxie 4Eva.

Until. The Rapture of the Water Bra. Which was probably more like a rupture, but it all started one morning about...oh, almost two years ago. I was wearing the bra under a thin sweater, looking all busty and proud of myself, and I was driving to work. I never get into a car without a Diet Coke, because I am a filthy little addict, so I was driving down the highway, sipping my drink. When all of a sudden I noticed a little...moistness. On my lap. Not much; just a few beads of..."water," pooled up on my skirt. And I cocked my head like a confused terrier, and looked at my Diet Coke, and concluded that it must be the condensation from the can. And then I went on with my life, and forgot all about it.

UNTIL. I got to the office, was sitting at my desk, typing vigilantly on something legal, and looked down again. And now there was MORE "water." In my lap. Significantly more water. And the Diet Coke had long since been replaced with another, and it was sitting on my desk, throwing up its little Diet Coke arms, all "Don't look at me!" and so I started looking around for the possible source of all this wetness, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of what was going on inside of my sweater. And that was when I realized that water bra had burst, and that I now had an enormous, wet stain, spreading -- waterfall like -- from my left boob, down to my waist. AHHH.

So, I immediately emailed Cookie, all "AHH EMERGENCY! GIRL EMERGENCY COME ALONE" and she came barreling down the hall to my office, took one look at me, and shrieked, "Are you LACTATING?" and I said, "IT IS MY BRA" and then I lifted my sweater and we watched as a perfect arc of goo squirted forth from the bra, landing all over important legal papers, and we both shrieked because holy shit, my BOOB IS ERUPTING, and also, now that I am AWARE OF THIS, I am realizing that it is erupting something STICKY and vaguely SMELLY and OH MY GOD.

At this point, I ripped the pulsating, squooshy bra from my body, and tossed it in the trash, where it continued to piss forth a slimy, unholy gel, and Cookie ran to the break room to grab me some wet paper towels, and then we tried to clean me, as best as possible. And while fortunately, this made me less sticky, it also presented a new problem, namely -- now I was braless. And I was being braless in a tight-fitting sweater that SORT OF REQUIRES A BRA, if you get my meaning. Cookie kept staring at my chest, transfixed. "That has got to chafe," she said.

So now, new dilemma. I couldn't just hide in my office all day; we actually had a meeting that afternoon with all the other firm attorneys, so I was going to have to get up and move at some point. Plus there was the chafing factor. But what do you DO when you find yourself without an article of underwear in the middle of your working day? I couldn't send out a firm-wide email, like they do when someone needs a parking spot or to borrow a copy of a law dictionary or something; moreover, I found it very hard to believe that anyone would be like, "Oh, yes, please. Use my bra. I keep spares in every size, right here in my office lingerie drawer." So I was puzzled.

But then! Flash of brilliance! I remembered that in our break room, we have a ludicrous little medical center, filled with an assortment of hilarious emergency items, including (a) a splint, (b) a hazmat kit for contaminated blood spills, and (c) BAND-AIDS. (Note that the well-stocked emergency supply kit does not include tampons, a fact that has been noted by...oh, every woman in the office ("Are we supposed to use the Hazmat kit?" has been frequently asked) but that is neither here nor there.) ANYWAY, point being: band-aids. In many sizes, and so I slapped an enormous folder to my chest and wandered down the hall and check out my brand new selection of nipple-covers.

I found some lovely, flesh-colored options, each enormous; they were like the big professional band-aids you'd put on a skinned knee. And I plastered them on my bare chest, while Cookie watched, shaking her head at the pain this would ultimately involve, but you know. DESPERATE. And hilariously, it all worked perfectly, and those suckers were just seamless, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. HA HA WATER BRA, you can't ruin my day.

Until. I got home, and Brian and I were getting changed out of our work clothes, casually chatting about whatever, and I pulled off my sweater. And I'd forgotten about the band-aids. And I hadn't told Brian yet. And so, the second my shirt was over my head, he turned, did a double take at the two industrial bandages attached to my breasts, and screamed, in genuine horror: "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR NIPPLES?"

As if they'd fallen off. Oops! Lost a few nipples at work today, baby. Hoping they regenerate. Like starfish.

And, that is the bra story. See? I told it. The world did not even have to end.

Other Things*

*I make good titles

From over on the fan page: even though it's not the end of the world for us, people are still post-apocalyptic over in Alabama. Here's an awesome way to help. And here is a truly incredible video shot by my good friend Boozer Downs, who is an amazing photographer and an fantastic guy who has done so much to help the victims there. So, y'all go help, too! And then maybe if the rapture DOES come, you'll be all good-deeded up. We're savin' souls over here at Miss Doxie! While still avoiding laundry. I multi-task.

Back to funny*

*See? I did another one. I call it creativity.

And now, because I promised: dogs! Next time I will post evil kitteh, but that will require fishing her out from under the bed so she can be photographed. Unless you just want to see a picture of her ever-expanding ass, in which case: perv.

Endoftheworld1.jpg

If you not feed Bo ham, Bo has prophecy. Of apocalypse of UR FACE.

Endoftheworld2.jpg


GIMMME NOT AFRAID TO SHOW NIPS! SEE? NO BAND AID FOR GIMMME YAAAAY!


And that is all. Y'all enjoy not being raptured, ruptured, or otherwise covered in goo. I'm off to do laundry...although I haven't totally given up on those leather pants.

NOTE: Apparently comments now say that they're pending my approval. I don't know why, as they've never cared about my approval before, but whatever. I will unblock you when I see it, provided that you are not black gay porn. Black gay porn is staying banned, because I am a bitch like that.

Posted by doxie in | permalink

43 Comments

Totally worth waiting for.

I like my boobs just the way they are. They keep my knees warm

Posted by: annie | May 22, 2011 12:37 PM

I just almost peed in my seat in the lab at work! I KNOW I should wait to read your updates until I get home, but I can't!!! LOL! Glad you weren't raptured!

Posted by: Sammynella | May 22, 2011 12:41 PM

I saw those Water Bras, and was afraid of that very thing happening. The sales lady was all, "No, that will never, ever happen." I did not buy the bra. Now I'm tempted to print this out, FIND HER, and staple it to her face. She was clearly filled with lies.

Posted by: Catherine | May 22, 2011 12:43 PM

I notice you ended the story there and didn't force us to listen to the screaming as the band-aids were removed.

Posted by: scholae | May 22, 2011 12:55 PM

Oh my...I tried a water bra but as im already err large busted I looked like I had a shelf going on lol! I didn't buy it but had the other ladies in the dressing room either cracking up or they were thinking ugly thoughts about me :)
I have a few bras that are extreme cleavage makers from Lane Bryant which I love but I get tickled cuz I use that as an extra pocket for money, cell phone lol! And once in a blue moon as a drink or can holder :)

Posted by: brooke | May 22, 2011 12:59 PM

Oh my goodness the water bra of doom! ALL ZIZ'S FAULT.

I like to pretend you're a high-powered TV defense lawyer and I am also pretending that this entire story took place while you were working on the final bill (you're high powered but do not have a secretary or legal assistant in my version right now, sorry, they are all on vacation and you have to do your own stupid billing). Anyway, so you're working on the bill and water bra explodes and all of this leads up to a terribly lame punchline about hosing your clients. HA HA. GET IT?

I have to know....why didn't you just cut out the water packet parts and then grade 8 it up with some toilet paper to fill the bra for the rest of the day? Not that trying to get bandaids off of your nipples isn't totally fun or anything....

Posted by: Lisa | May 22, 2011 01:35 PM

You lived out my nightmare - being caught without a bra at work! I couldn't use a water bra, but I do fear strap breakage. My 34DD girls would not appreciate that so much, lol.

Posted by: Tracy in Spring | May 22, 2011 02:14 PM

So while Mike is trying to watch qualifying at Indy, I'm reading this post snorting and crying. He's just looking at me like I'm crazy. Which, of course, I probably am - you caused it!!! Great funnies!

Posted by: Melissa | May 22, 2011 03:08 PM

Water bras make me think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjgnyYDLE30 (Start at about 9:24).
I bet Cookie gets the most interesting phone calls from you - I can just tell being your friend IRL would never cease to be an adventure ;)

Posted by: Heather | May 22, 2011 04:27 PM

This was totally worth the wait. Poor innocent diet coke can, wrongfully blamed for the waterfall

Posted by: Liz | May 22, 2011 05:00 PM

Diet Coke truly was wrongfully accused. And if comments aren't working now, I am going on a water bra inspired SPREE of some sort.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 22, 2011 07:19 PM

Lord....you make me laugh. I totally enjoyed the Bra Rapture (Rupture) and it made me think about a flat chested friend in NY who I hadn't seen in ages....we hooked up for dinner in DC and BAM! She had HUGE breasts....I said "What the hell?" and she proceeded to extole the virtues of the water bra....I kinda just assumed that it would be augmented with, well WATER. You had me at "diet coke".....

Posted by: Kelly Colucci | May 22, 2011 08:31 PM

Now THAT was a great story. Thank you so much for the belly laugh! I really needed it!

Posted by: Abby - Bright Yellow World | May 22, 2011 09:08 PM

Kelly, WARN HER. TELL THE WORLD MY STORY

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 22, 2011 09:12 PM

Definitely worth the wait. Imagine you were wearing the water bra when you were at the strip club?

Posted by: Scott | May 22, 2011 09:45 PM

That wasn't meant as black gay porn either. Perv

Posted by: Scott | May 22, 2011 09:45 PM

All of the best moments in my life have started with the words "GIRL EMERGENCY!"

I've never seen a water bra, but somehow always imagined them to have a little spigot thingie to screw in a hose and fill them up with, well, you know - water! The things you learn on the internet. Thank goodness I wasn't raptured before I got this tidbit squared away!

Posted by: Lisa | May 22, 2011 09:51 PM

I found a great product for you....I think it could be modified for the "bra" emergency situation....

http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Instant-Underpants.html

Posted by: Kelly Colucci | May 22, 2011 10:01 PM

Didn't Grace have an issue with her water bra on "Will & Grace"?

And I am SO glad I am not the only one who uses my bra as a evening bag. I've been known to fit my driver's license, ATM card, lip gloss, car key, phone & tampon in mine.

WHAT?!?!?! Lugging around a 44DD chest has to have its perks ;)

Posted by: Liz | May 23, 2011 12:00 AM

this is awesome and another classic Miss Doxie post!
Brian is a very lucky man to "get" to live with you and your great sense of humor at life! and also since Bo tolerates him and shares HIS home with another man.

Posted by: Bobbi | May 23, 2011 12:53 AM

Ahahahahahaaaa....only you.

Posted by: MFA Mama | May 23, 2011 08:11 AM

You're supposed to drain the water out of those things and fill them with martinis. For your husband, of course .

Posted by: Bob | May 23, 2011 09:05 AM

It never even occurred to me to fill them with booze. What is WRONG with me?

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 23, 2011 10:44 AM

What a cute picture of Bo. He looks so sweet with his little speckled ears.

Posted by: MichelleN | May 23, 2011 11:18 AM

Weeping with the funny. Must remember to not read Doxie at work lest I be forced to engage in that silent, hysterical laughter that makes the tears come out of my eyes even faster, thereby ruining the eye makeup even more! "Hoping they regenerate. Like starfish." - sent me straight to the ladies! Too funny! Being a girl rocks!

Posted by: Christine | May 23, 2011 06:29 PM

Awesome photo of Bo, I totally hope he received HAM. You are some funny shit Doxie! Also, more wine please.

Posted by: Angela | May 23, 2011 06:50 PM

So, the cat's butt is gonna be in the next post, for real, right? (henh, henh, henh...) (that was my perv breathing)

Posted by: June the perv | May 24, 2011 08:56 AM

June, you ignorant slut.

*IN CASE PEOPLE ARE NOT OLD LIKE ME AND THINK I AM BEING SERIOUS:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7S_XWuKpHc

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 24, 2011 01:45 PM

Bawhahaha! Nice! You extra points for having the ability to mesh Apocalypse Not and a bra story into one post without as much as a blip or fumble. ;)

Posted by: Stacy | May 24, 2011 01:53 PM

OH.MY.HOLY.SHIT.HILARIOUSNESS. I seriously just laughed my ass off through this entire post... thank you, thank you, thank you... and also - umm... any suggestions for another "less-than-or-equal-to-as-flat-as-a-board" member of the IBTC? I would love all the help I can get over here... *sigh* thanks again for the laughs... makes me glad I never forked out the money for a Water Bra...

Posted by: Rusti | May 26, 2011 12:35 AM

Awesome. Oh, the dangers of the water bra.

One of my two besties from high school has also learned the dangers of the water bra. The main danger being that whenever she dares to wear one, the other two of us will spend at least 10 minutes feeling up/poking her. "Ooooh! So JIGGLY!! WEEEIRD!"

We're so mature.

Posted by: McKate | May 27, 2011 02:44 PM

I always wondered about those water bras leaking. And, lo, they do! I keep many spare items in my desk, tampons-yes, bra-no. perhaps I should rethink that.

Posted by: elz | May 27, 2011 09:16 PM

Aww Bo is such a handsome silver (white?) fox!

Posted by: Kate | May 27, 2011 09:32 PM

AHH! How did I miss this post?? Thank you SO much for sharing the link to the Amazon wishlist on my blog! I appreciate it so very much.

Your leakage is cracking me up.

Posted by: Beth@UnskinnyBoppy | May 31, 2011 02:45 PM

LOVE. Also, reminds me of the day that I, in my quest for sexy, tried removing my bra and twirling it in the air all lasso-style at my then-boyfriend (now husband). It was rather, ahem, early in our relationship and I thought I was quite the seductress. Except that it too was a water bra, which, if you can imagine, twirls with a bit more velocity than your standard brassiere. But I had passed the point of no return, and it left my hand...on a trajectory aimed straight for his head. Luckily, he thought it was funny...and didn't concuss.

Posted by: Natalie | June 1, 2011 02:44 PM

I just want to tell you how happy I am that you are blogging again. I've sent your link to 2 friends recently, and both have DEVOURED your entries and come back to me, squealing happily, "I could SO be friends with this woman!" "She talks like US!" "WE LOVE HERRRRRRRR!" and it is delightful. I feel like I've introduced them to an old friend, as I've been reading your blog for years now. :)

Posted by: bunneh | June 3, 2011 05:17 PM

bahahahahah... love your writing style!!!

Posted by: Kit | June 3, 2011 06:32 PM

hi, first time visitor here, introducing myself so i'm not a creepy stalker. i loved this post!

cheers,
rachel

http://www.upperbottom.com

Posted by: Rachel | June 7, 2011 09:59 AM

This is a totally unrelated comment but I just watched Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil for the first time and it reminded me of you SO BAD. Not the story line...or the charachers...but mostly the bird girl in the cemetary because I think you HAVE to adore her as much as I do because 1. you like cemetaries and 2. you are from Georgia. 3. you are kind of like an imaginary friend who sometimes i need to tell things to but I don't really know you so i cant (helllooooooo craycray.)ergo. 2+2=4. the end.

Posted by: Lauren | June 7, 2011 06:32 PM

You know the other problem with the water bra, other than the fact that if you drunkenly pass out in them and they pop and ooze nasty ooze all over and you can't figure out where it came from and freak out (not that that ever happened to me...)? In the heat of the moment, if one gets flung, it is heavy. And they knock stuff over.

Posted by: jessica | June 9, 2011 11:50 PM

Lauren, the Bird Girl of Savannah was on the main buffet table at our wedding. Plus we have a full size statue of her in our back yard. I feel you, sister.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | June 9, 2011 11:57 PM

Self-employment major advantage = being able to read Miss Doxie columns and yodeling with laughter without scaring bosses and co-workers. Though neighbors need to be warned. Note to self: Do NOT drink anything while reading Miss Doxie or laptop keyboard could be seriously damaged. Or is red wine good for the sinuses too? As a sort of half board-like woman, still somewhat intrigued by the water bra. Could it work if reinforced with duct tape?

Posted by: Lotta | June 19, 2011 10:15 PM

Wow! I am SO glad to see your post and Bo's picture! Made my day.

Posted by: Bick | June 25, 2011 02:12 PM

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