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Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money

April 04, 2011

Actually, we already have lawyers and guns. Just send cash! Because, thanks to me being a complete and total disaster as a grown-up, I have none. And also I am slightly a felon. Hi! It has been a busy week!

Actually, the money part is not entirely true. I do have money; I just can't touch my money. Allllll of my money is hiding right now. And it would be lovely if there were anyone in the world to blame for this who is not Me, but there isn't, and hello: story of my life. Anyway, lemme explain how I accidentally committed a felony! Then we can talk about your week.

SO. Know how Brian and I got all married? Remember that? It was very nice, and everyone had a lovely time, and now we are husband and wife. But, being that we were both independent, mid-30's type people when that whole wedding business went down, we already had established money things. We each had our own mortgages and accounts and credit cards and stuff, and combining them just seemed like a major and unnecessary pain in the ass. So we decided that instead, I would just go to my friendly bank and open a new account for Bills and Household Shit, and we would both contribute to it each month, and that is how we would pay for Bills, and also Household Shit. Otherwise, we remain mostly financially separate, which has worked well for us -- we both do grocery shopping, we both pay for dinners, and we each handle a few random household expenses here and there, so it's actually quite reasonable and equitable. Or, at least it was; back in those heady days of last week, it worked GREAT. ALL WAS WELL. Until I fucked it all the hell up, as I very often tend to do.

Because, see (and here is where I try to blame my own personal criminal activity on my poor, long-suffering husband; let's watch!), every month, Brian writes me a check for his portion of expenses. And I deposit it into the Household Shit Account. But I do not like depositing Brian's checks at the bank, because I know all of the tellers; the main branch of my bank is in my office building, so I see the employees aaaallllll the time. Every day, even. We chat! We ride elevators together! They know my dad! And, thus, it is sort of embarrassing to deposit a check with Friendly Teller Kyle, only to have Kyle interrupt our normal small talk with, "Yeah, I saw that last week, and couldn't belie----hold on, girl, what does that say in the memo line? Is this check for...does that say Dirty Dancin'?"

And, you know what, Kyle? YEAH. YES IT DOES. Because my husband is incapable of writing me a Household Shit check that does not contain an inappropriate memo line. Because he thinks this is hilarious. Previous checks have included "French Kissing," "A Good Time," and "Wifely Duties." And Brian believes this to be funny, because...well, frankly, because it totally is. And I thought it was hilarious ALSO, until Thursday happened, and I became a felon because of the MEMO LINE THAT RUINED OUR LIVES* (*lying. Absolutely lying to you right now. Hyperbole plus blame shifting! Let's pretend it is literary license).

But it is true that Thursday was the day I became a master criminal. Admittedly, on that morning, I was not feeling very much like a master criminal. Actually, I was feeling very scattered and tired and maybe even a touch foggy, because Wednesday night had been date night, and Brian and I had a lovely evening that involved many wines and candles and Special Married People Time. Thursday morning, we woke up and I kissed him goodbye and explained my intention to do Many Things before work, including (a) depositing his monthly check, and (b) getting my emissions test for my car, and (c) getting my tag, because I am absolutely awful about that, and basically end up getting ticketed every year because I just flat-out put it off until the last possible minute, if not later.*

(*Which reminds me (woo, tangent!) -- My birthday is March 6. Last year, I did a ton of work traveling in March, and didn't get my emissions test (which is required for a tag renewal) until April 1. Then, a week later, I went to the DMV to get my new tag, only to discover that my local office was closed for renovations. A very non-helpful sign on the door informed me that I was supposed to drive way the hell up north somewhere to some satellite branch and do it there. I did not know where this was, plus I was kind of pressed for time, because that night, I was supposed to be meeting not-yet-fiancee-Brian for a Special Romantic Getaway up at my parents' lake house. So I left the DMV and went back home to figure out where this satellite place was; only THEN I got pulled over in my own NEIGHBORHOOD, by a cop who did not care whatsoever about my attempts at compliance. When reason failed, I resorted to bald-face lying (yep) and told him that I had gotten engaged that VERY DAY, and how DARE he RUIN MY HAPPINESS for a tag that was only eight days past expiration (additionally not true), and also, WAS HE MARRIED? He didn't fall for that, either, in part because I...had no ring (oops; I fucking suck at lying), but that did not stop me from hollering, "I BET YOU DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS!" as he walked away. He agreed that he probably would not, as she would smack him, for murdering true love. And then I drove (flounced?) up to the lake in an entirely unjustified huff, except then I got there and Brian proposed to me THAT VERY NIGHT and it turned out I hadn't lied after ALL, but I still got a fucking ticket on my way to my engagement. I am irresponsible! I should just get my fucking tags on time! The end!)

Uh...okay, so, back to the original story, although that one always entertains me, too. Look how this is a compendium of my crimes! I am an outlaw. And I am so bad at it. Anyway, moving on.

SO. Thursday (and please do notice that -- once again --Thursday was already super long after March 6, because I continue to be a little scofflaw), I have these three things to do. Deposit check! Get emissions! Get tag! And then, go to work, because I had a conference call scheduled. So, I got moving. And, as I grabbed the check, I glanced at the memo line: it read: "Last Night."

Heee, I thought. Heeeeeeee. My husband was paying me $1000 for "Last Night." Apparently, for services rendered, on date night. Plus he'd left it on the counter, which further made me giggle for about ten minutes. Still, being a busy woman, I grabbed it and headed out the door. But here, I made a critical error; I also tore a blank check from my checkbook, to take with me to the DMV to pay for my tag. I put the blank check and the Household Shit check in the same envelope. DO NOT DO THIS; do not do this ever. I will show you why.

I hit the emissions place first, but as it was the last day of the month, the line was insanely long -- like, two hours long. By the time I finished that, I'd missed 6 calls at work, my secretary was in a frenzy, and I was already dangerously close to being late for the conference call. So I figured I would just swing by the bank, deposit the check, and go to the office, getting my tag later. GOOD PLAN.

Except..."Last Night." Now, here is the thing. Apparently, there is just some shy, puritanical part of me that does not want to hand Friendly Teller Kyle a $1000 check that is made out for...uh, "services rendered" the night before. I don't need that judgment! Nor do I need Kyle thinking about my services. So I was pondering this, when I suddenly realized that I could save some time, and just deposit the check in an ATM! This was the perfect solution -- no awkward pauses! No services-thinking! Indeed, no human contact whatsoever. AND, there was a branch over by the emissions place, so it seemed like serendipity just flowing all over my Thursday morning. Yay!

But, sadly: no. Because, I am an idiot. And I was flustered, and the emissions test had taken a million years, and I am always in such a hurry at ATMs because I don't want to be the bothersome person who takes a millisecond more than my allotted time, and I guess all of these things combined into a perfect storm that resulted in me...accidentally depositing the blank check, instead of the actual check. I had completely forgotten there were two checks in the envelope -- the slutty one from Brian, and my own blank check, which I'd included with the intention of paying for my tag. AND IT WAS A BIG ENVELOPE, Y'ALL, like one of those manilla folder-y things, so I just reached in and grabbed a check; endorsed the back; punched in all the buttons; put it in the deposit envelope; and deposited it into my bank account. The bank, because I am (was) a lovely customer, immediately credited me with the $1000. And then I went on my merry way, not realizing that I just broke about sixteen laws, and was now officially KITING CHECKS, which is a crime punishable by very bad things that include prison jumpers and conjugal visits. For which I probably would not get paid $1000. WHOOPS.

But off I went to work, having no idea that I was leaving the scene of my crime. And all was well there, until I went out for cocktails afterwards, and -- when I passed over my debit card for my $9 bill -- it got declined. As did my other debit card. And my credit card. WHOOPS AGAIN.

What I did not know was, upon opening the deposit at the other branch, and finding an endorsed blank check, they'd immediately frozen all of my accounts. And I do everything through that bank -- credit cards, checking, saving, the whole deal. And now all of that was inaccessible, but at the time, I had absolutely no idea why -- calling the 800 number only led to a message telling me that I really, REALLY needed to go to my branch ("SO WE CAN ARREST YOU," it did not add). I was locked out of my online access. And this led me to have a cow, which I am sure was enjoyed by everyone.

I went home and continued my conniption, until the next morning, when I called Friendly Teller Kyle, and asked him what in the holy fuck was happening. Kyle said, "Well, hey, Miss D! Let me just look that up for ya!" And then there was grave silence, and the getting of supervisors, and the announcement that One Should Not Deposit Blank Checks, and my own personal discovery of the whorin' check still in its happy manilla envelope, and I that is when I pretty much DIED. And that is also when I had to take myself into the branch, and sit down with no fewer than SIX different people, and try to explain that I did not mean to deposit a blank check; I actually meant to deposit this check here, that says I'm a prostitute! HA HA! Isn't that so logical? It was an honest mistake and could happen to anyone HOLY SHIT PLEASE DON'T ARREST ME.

So, um. They didn't. But now that "Last Night" check has become a thing of great fame, and I have to get all new cards, and I basically STILL can't touch any of my own money until Wednesday, when my new accounts are all set up. Plus Brian, who IS TOTALLY A LITTLE BIT SORT OF RESPONSIBLE, KIND OF, is off on a business trip, and the dogs and I have to eat beans until all of the new cards arrive. And he is SO not sorry at all. He is already thinking of things to put on his check next month. Meanwhile, I'm being greeted in the lobby with, "Hey! Last Night girl!" and also, I will probably starve and die.

So. That is why I am poor today! And also a master criminal. If you see me, please give me a cracker. Or wine. Or possibly bail.

Gimmmehungreee.jpg

Y'all have a good week, and I'll be back as soon as I think of something else ridiculous to share. Of course, we're still here, if you aren't already joined up; most recently, we've been celebrating St. Urho's Day! For a white collar criminal, I live a full life!

But in the meantime, y'all take care, and try not to commit any felonies! And please don't mention my name to Kyle.

Posted by doxie in | permalink

51 Comments

I did that exact same thing once! They froze my account for a week and I had to live on weird leftover food. You can make a passable soup out of frozen vegetables and ramen noodles, FYI.

Posted by: Kat | April 4, 2011 07:23 PM

We've been traveling the last two weeks, so no grocery shopping has occurred, and now I am seriously horrified to look inside my refrigerator. Is boiled water a meal?

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 4, 2011 07:26 PM

Girl, that is crazy! I would never have guessed a blank check would cause such a commotion. Go borrow $20 from a friend and order a pizza!

Posted by: R | April 4, 2011 07:29 PM

I am posting anonymously because I work in Loss Prevention at a financial institution…I am basically the kind of person your friendly teller calls when you deposit that blank check in the ATM and I am the person who freezes all your accounts and decides whether to call the cops when you deposit a blank check – and If I heard your story, and I saw that you have scads of money and I pulled the check images (which I can do) on your other deposits and saw that your dear husband indeed DOES pay you for Services Rendered, French kissing and assorted other naughty stuff, and if you showed up in person holding a check dated the day you made your deposit with “Last Night” in the memo line….I would laugh my ass off! You have nothing to worry about. But that is unofficial (all the usual disclaimers, please consult your attorney – or yourself - for legal advice). Also Bwhahahahahahaha!
But seriously - feel free to email me if you have any questions.

Posted by: Alias | April 4, 2011 07:34 PM

What's even stupider (stupidest) is that had I done this at my OWN branch, they just would've called me, all, "Giiiirl, why in the WORLD did you put a blank check in that envelope? Are you HIGH?" but since I went to a branch where they don't know me, all hell broke loose.

In the meantime, I have found wine and leftover wedding cake, and I suddenly feel inspired to go all Ms. Havisham with it. Possibly I will put on my wedding dress! Or, possibly I will continue poking through the fucking freezer.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 4, 2011 07:35 PM

that is ridiculous. silly bank. you are not a criminal. mostly. well, relative to that particular incident you are not a criminal. so..... anyway.
hee.

Posted by: kristina | April 4, 2011 07:36 PM

oh, and of course i send wine.

Posted by: kristina | April 4, 2011 07:37 PM

Alias, thank you! Heeee, I am glad I don't look like a career criminal on paper. I think it'll all work out okay, especially since (drumroll) -- uh, I'm...one of the bank's attorneys. Our firm represents them. Which adds YET ANOTHER LAYER to my own personal failures as an adult.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 4, 2011 07:40 PM

I KNOW you have more than 1000.00 in your accounts - go to your branch and ask for a cash withdrawl of 100.00 - I can't imagine they won't let you take it, so you can eat. I'm totally telling this story at work tomorrow!

Posted by: Alias | April 4, 2011 07:46 PM

Bwhhaahhaa! Omg! You are hilarious!!! My doxies are currently snoring louder than ever.. Taunting me with sleep!

Posted by: Jacquie | April 4, 2011 07:48 PM

Hee! :)

This must have been so embarrassing... I totally feel for you on that part of it all.

Posted by: Jaime | April 4, 2011 07:48 PM

The shit has hit the fan. First, I cannot believe my phone tries to autospell "shit". MINE! With my potty mouth. Anyway, so sad, that sucks. Where should I send the Emergency Wine?

Anyway, Christmas before last, I was checking my account and found out I purchased hundreds of dollars worth of t-shirts from freakin' CANADA and had them shipped to California, of which I am deathly afraid because, as soon as my plane lands, the entire fucking place will slide into the ocean because The Big One will hit.

Anyway, I had to cancel everything, had no money or alcohol for days on end and about died.

But at least I wasn't a felon...

Posted by: deb from austin | April 4, 2011 07:49 PM

I've memoed many a check to my boyfriend and friends with "last night." That shit is funny every time.

Posted by: Rachel | April 4, 2011 07:50 PM

This totally made my week. Fucking hilarious and totally something I would do. I especially love that you're one of their attorneys... saucy!

Posted by: Paula | April 4, 2011 07:50 PM

The shit has hit the fan. First, I cannot believe my phone tries to autospell "shit". MINE! With my potty mouth. Anyway, so sad, that sucks. Where should I send the Emergency Wine?

Anyway, Christmas before last, I was checking my account and found out I purchased hundreds of dollars worth of t-shirts from freakin' CANADA and had them shipped to California, of which I am deathly afraid because, as soon as my plane lands, the entire fucking place will slide into the ocean because The Big One will hit.

Anyway, I had to cancel everything, had no money or alcohol for days on end and about died.

But at least I wasn't a felon...

Posted by: deb from austin | April 4, 2011 07:51 PM

OMG! I would have cried in front of all those cary bank people, because that's what I do! This is just as good as the story of Cookie and the Geese. I still pee myself when I think of Cookie trying to rescue all those creatures in the middle of a highway and how ID WAD ALL YOUR FAULD.

Posted by: Mafalda | April 4, 2011 07:54 PM

I so missed your posts while you were gone, and even though they are still more sporadic than they used to be, they totally make my day!

Posted by: Heather | April 4, 2011 08:18 PM

My mother is a hairdresser and a Very. Uptight. Fine. Southern. Baptist. Christian. Woman. (the two, I found, are NOT mutually exclusive. She lives in a tiny town ("welcome to..." on both sides of the signpost) and she deposited I SWEAR ON MY LAST PIECE OF GODIVA a check from one of her guy clients that said in the memo section.... BLOW JOB.
I shit you not.

Is THAT a felony or just friggin hilarious? I vote F. H.

Posted by: Her Mama's Daughter | April 4, 2011 08:32 PM

Daughter, that is fucking AWESOME, is what it is.

Meanwhile, it just occurred to me that this is probably karma repaying me for all those checks I've written to my poor father with "adult novelties" in the memo line. FORGOT THOSE.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 4, 2011 08:46 PM

HA! My husband and I have the same arrangement and he does THE SAME THING. My last check from him had 'happy ending' in the memo line. Awesome. They think they are SO FUNNY. So, of course, it's all ATMs for me too.

Posted by: Natalie | April 4, 2011 09:14 PM

Soooo, yadda yadda long story that mostly amounts to me just being spoiled - when I was in college, I had a checkbook from my parents for things like rent and groceries. I lived with roommates, so usually I was making checks out to them for these things. Instead of "Memo:" those checks said "For:".

Obviously, I ALWAYS wrote in "last night" or "a good time" or "your mom" or "your face" or "your mom's face".

That is when I learned that old people get copies of their checks back after they go through. And my parents were seeing all of them.

I mean, it was still totally worth it. But. Ya know.

Posted by: Lisa | April 4, 2011 09:19 PM

This, right here:

"And that is also when I had to take myself into the branch, and sit down with no fewer than SIX different people, and try to explain that I did not mean to deposit a blank check; I actually meant to deposit this check here, that says I'm a prostitute! HA HA! Isn't that so logical?"

Is about the funniest f-en thing I've read in a long, long time. I actually guffawed.

I went out with a guy a long, long time ago who used to do the same thing in the memo line of the checks. The joyous part of it all is that he would give these checks to restaurants, bars, etc. I then got in to the habit for awhile as well but it's been a long time since I've written a check. Thanks for the memory.

Posted by: SerenityFL | April 4, 2011 09:26 PM

HYSTERICAL! I've worked the teller line at my bank before, and I always forget to look at the memo line...so really, it's probably noticed a lot less often than you think.

Also, I'm honestly a bit disappointed in the customer service at your bank. They have the resources to see your previous check history, balance average, staff members know you and your lifestyle (sometimes hectic, etc) and you probably had some sort of receipt from the emmissions place, etc. With that type of evidence, I would most likely NOT freeze my customer's account, and I'd reopen their debit cards and the like. I can tell with pretty decent accuracy when someone is trying to fleece me and when someone has made an honest mistake. Also, new accounts? That's ridiculous and taking it a bit far.

If I knew you better, I'd send wine.

Posted by: Dawn K. | April 4, 2011 09:48 PM

I have worked for a law firm in a bank building for twenty years, we too represent the bank, and I will not have an account at that bank. It is a great bank, and would be much, much more convenient for me to use this bank, but I just can't. It feels entirely too inscestuious (spell?), too much togetherness, too much all up in my bidness. I will walk two blocks up and use the other big bank. I know too many people who have all their accounts, loans, mortgages, and credit cards through the same bank, and it makes me nervous. Also, I too see the same people from the bank everyday, and I just don't want that much personal info floating around the smoking areas / water cooler. Although, I really don't think they would care about my piddly little accounts, it still makes me itchy.

Also, "Wifely Duties", hee, hee, hee. I worked as proof operator at a small bank when I was in high school, and every check that went through in that bank went through my hands, and I entered it into the machine that printed the computer amounts on the bottom. I usually did not notice the memo fields on the checks, but if I had ever seen that I would have died laughing, and proceded to pull it out and show everone in the bank.

Posted by: Kelly | April 4, 2011 10:58 PM

I had never heard of people writing "wifely duties" or anything of that sort in the memo line, so that cracks me the heck up...the "blow job" story especially!! I freakin' love you. :P If I lived closer, I would bring you fresh produce and wine ;-)

Posted by: Heather | April 5, 2011 12:30 AM

I did something similar once. I was depositing a check for $375 but accidentally entered too many zeros (my bank's ATM made you enter zeros for the pennies in round figures) and I realised at the last possible second and then I called the 1-800 number and told them but the lady didn't speak very good English and thought I wanted a loan and I didn't want a loan I just wanted to get NOT ARRESTED for cheque kiting and then I thought it was all sorted and I didn't spend the money even though it was still in my account. THEN the bank called and said "Why oh why did you put $3750 instead of $375 don't you even know that's illegal? What a stupid face you are!" and I said "yes I AM a stupid face and I called the 1-800 number and tried to tell but they wanted to give me a loan instead and what kind of stupid bank offers people loans when they are CALLING IN TO CONFESS ABOUT FRAUD?" and then the bank said "It's okay, we will just change the numbers and never speak of this again" because it was at the bank I had been banking at since I was 12 and also the bank that my mom banks at and it's a small town and they know us really well and when I was in Uni and needed money my mom would transfer it by calling them directly and then she'd get transfer receipts in the mail that said "xfer from Mom to Lisa".

TOO LONG DIDN'T READ: IT WILL ALL BE OKAY!

Posted by: Lisa | April 5, 2011 03:16 AM

I f'ing love you. That is all.

Posted by: J | April 5, 2011 04:36 AM

Remember when ATM deposits could take, like, 10 days or more to show up in your account and cause all sorts of merry hell as your checks bounced in the interim, even though a payroll check was sitting in the hopper of the main branch of the local bank? (Not me, the boyfriend learned that lesson when he moved to town.)

This is probably the only time that 10-day wait would have come in handy as I'm sure you'd have figured it out when you had to sign over a check for "last night" to the tag agency.

The thought of which makes me giggle and think of Adventures in Babysitting and who the hell signs over checks anymore?

Two words: wire transfer.

Posted by: Scraps | April 5, 2011 08:45 AM

I vote for wedding dress, wine, and wedding cake. Also, hee. Hehehehehe.

Posted by: Liz | April 5, 2011 09:08 AM

Also, I have no idea why I haven't thought to include hilarious sayings in my memo lines. From now on, for sure. To everybody, most likely, unless it was for like, a CLE or something.

Posted by: Liz | April 5, 2011 09:12 AM

New reader....what a hilarious story! I have friend that writes funny/nasty things on checks to his wife too- why do men feel the need to do that? Thankfully my husband does not- or else I would just use the ATM a lot.

Posted by: KT | April 5, 2011 11:08 AM

It is this kind of exact, money-juggling-gone-awry scenario (okay, not this EXACT scenario, but its similarly nonsensical equivalent) that resulted in my husband and I scrapping our three accounts system and merging everything into one account. One! Account!

Because I proved incapable of handling this much money moving around as well.

Posted by: Cherie Beyond | April 5, 2011 11:35 AM

My middle daughter---the wacky one---is also born on March 6. There is something about this date. . .

Glad you aren't in the Big House. I've had a check written to me for "Hookers and Blow". Amazing that I didn't get a knock, knock, knock from the police for that one.

Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | April 5, 2011 01:54 PM

New reader and e-Hellion here: oh, Miss D, how you made me laugh. And I heart your mischievous mister. But on to practicalities: Could you put a PayPal tip jar on your site so that we can help to ease you over the cashless chasm? Or hey, you're in Atlanta, no? Girl, let's get together for lunch. You can order a whole pizza and have leftovers to tide you through the next few days. :)

Posted by: Petticoats | April 5, 2011 04:38 PM

My beloved Miss Havisham:
Think of this week as a Master Cleanse. Without the syrup and cayenne, as you cannot afford them.
Is Bo edible?

Posted by: June | April 5, 2011 06:28 PM

What a fiasco!

It could happen to anyone, but not everyone could write it up the way you do.

Posted by: Meetzorp | April 5, 2011 09:41 PM

ROTFL - I love it. I actually had no idea that depositing a blank check is a felony. Thanks for the heads-up so I don't ever manage to do this! Love the story, am sitting here literally laughing out loud.

Posted by: Mauigirl | April 5, 2011 10:06 PM

Your stories are always hilarious and witty (which you may or may not have to try to be.....I get the feeling no). I wish I was half as funny. It makes by blog and life seem boring. I mean, no one has called me slutty since I was 15....oops....18.

Posted by: Adventureweiner | April 5, 2011 11:51 PM

I'm sorry, but I'm dying over here as Bow Chicka Wow Wow by Mike Posner started playing while reading this.

Posted by: Lisa | April 6, 2011 04:48 PM

It's not super helpful now, but you know there's an app for that? You take a picture of the check-boom-deposited! No awkward interactions, no scrutiny over the memo line. Wam-Bam, thank you ma'am. In fact, that could be the memo line without any problems.

Posted by: elz | April 6, 2011 11:32 PM

So funny - made me think of years ago i gave my male and flamingly gay roommate a rent check that said payment for 6 blowjobs in the memo field and the teller wanted my number cuz "maaaan, that is some cheap sexin"

Posted by: getgoinggirly | April 7, 2011 08:34 AM

I will mail you Girl Scout cookies to avert the impending doom of starvation! Never thought something so serious could be portrayed so hilariously! And now I have ideas for my own memo lines when writing checks >:)

Posted by: Davey Cole | April 8, 2011 01:58 PM

Could you, um, just scratch out Brian's comments before depositing? Just saying, h

Posted by: h | April 8, 2011 02:59 PM

HA! Reminds me of the time I double sent a 1000 payment to a credit card by using bill pay at our bank & had to spend literally HOURS on the phone with a) bank and b)computer people and c) the credit card company. Forget wine after that - a martini was essential. Again, HA!

Posted by: Melissa | April 10, 2011 02:48 PM

Wow, I would totally do that too. Thank god we don't have checks anymore on this part of the globe.

Posted by: Choochoo | April 11, 2011 11:50 AM

Melissa, I once did that to the cable company! I accidentally paid them THREE TIMES because I kept getting an error screen instead of a payment confirmation. I tried calling, but you know -- cable company. I eventually just said screw it, and didn't have to pay another cable bill for three months. But that whole event required vodka anyway.

Oh, and do not even get me STARTED about the time I accidentally paid the mortgage twice. That story...is long. And involved a NOTICE OF FORECLOSURE being delivered to me, a YEAR later, as a result of a computer error. After three hours on the phone with the friendly folks at Bank of America, the supervisor was finally all, "Ohhhhh, we misclassified that extra payment last year, and that notice shouldn't have been sent; you're totally fine, I see what the problem is, yadda yadda, I'll fix it. Just throw away that horrendously scary legal notice and forget about it." By that point, however, I was about to drink lighter fluid straight from the bottle.

Actually, all of this makes me realize that probably Brian should be in charge of paying the bills.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 11, 2011 12:56 PM

Best!!!! Well, either this or Ice Ice Crazy.

I read this aloud to my husband (YES I DID. he hates it when i do that, but then he laughs when it is funny and I get to say I Told You So Party Pooper!) and I think he is going to start writing "entertaining" memos on checks as well. aaaaaaaaaaaaah.

I hope you got your wine and dog food after all, hahaha.

Posted by: McKate | April 19, 2011 02:37 PM

Ha ha ha! too funny!

Posted by: Jess K. | April 25, 2011 02:37 PM

Darling, darling, darling. Time was, I wanted to marry you so bad my back teeth hurt. Really did want all the "services." And much free legal advice! But, you know, I think the better man won. And I could not possibly be happier. Trust me on this. But you are sweet.

Posted by: Michael | May 16, 2011 01:31 PM

Miss Doxie, sending huge Congrats to you and hubby on your marriage. So very happy for you! I've been away a long time, thought you were done with the blog, but was thrilled to see the new posts when I found your blog saved on my old computer.
You were sorely missed, and I now have my grown daughter hooked on your posts, so please keep them coming. You brighten our days, for sure. :)
We have added a new dog to our pack. She is part doxie, part yorkie, and ALL cuteness! So smart, and so very, very sweet. And to think we were just trying to help find her a home when we took her in, little knowing that home was with us!
Wishing you absolute wedded bliss, lots of fun and laughter, and all things good. Thanks for sharing your life & hilarity with all of us!

Posted by: Blabsalot | May 19, 2011 02:44 AM

Love it all! I recently wrote a memo containing "Obama '12" to a violently conservative friend to pay him back for a concert ticket. I chortled.

Posted by: Aunt Tasty | July 6, 2011 02:51 PM

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