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The Cat of Amontillado*

January 25, 2011

So! I survived the snow. I did not like it, and I got...a little "stir crazy," as the CNN experts called it, but I lived. Meanwhile, poor Brian managed to get home around 2 a.m. Friday morning, and I pounced on him like a hyperactive gnat, all up in his face and demanding things like "HEY LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR FAVORITE SMELLS!" Then I wouldn't let him go to bed, because SHOULDN'T WE TALK ABOUT FEELINGS AND COLORS RIGHT NOW? WAKE UP BABY! I LOOOOOVE YOU! and, you know, just...honestly, that poor, poor man. I am kind of a handful.

But, let's not feel too badly for Brian. Because approximately 48 hours after I annoyed the holy hell out of him, lovely Brian -- my kind, vegetarian, empathetic-and-ridiculously-sweet husband -- accidentally sealed the fucking cat in the wall.

Yes. Yes, he did. And yeah, the cat is fine (OH SHE'S GREAT), but he was just beside himself, and I could not stop laughing hysterically, and basically, welcome to our ridiculous, ridiculous home.

Anyway, I tried to write out the process of how a PETA-supporting person accidentally...you know, seals a cat in a fucking WALL, but really, this is the kind of thing that requires visual aides. So now we have the lovely slideshow below, and I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed making it. I swear to God, we...are a haunted house, y'all. We are a haunted house of crazy, and it just entertains me to no end.

So, without further ado, YET ANOTHER VIDEO (no sound on this one; I tried, but YouTube is just annoying the shit out of me with all their copyright nonsense, even when you're dealing with music in the public domain -- don't even get me started). (But point being, I'm not planning to go all video-ish here or anything, but this just worked so much better as a slideshow that I couldn't resist.)

(*Man, do I wish I could take credit for that title, but I can't. Ten seconds after telling my mother this story, that is what she said, between bouts of side-splitting laughter. She is where smart comes from, apparently.)

(HEY, WHO WANTS MORE PARENTHESIS? WOO!)

Anyway...yeah. So, postscript to this ludicrous event is that ever since she managed to somehow wind her weird, catty self through the internal workings of our home, Kitteh has been desperate to get back into the walls. She's been bat-bat-batting at the linen closet door, at the vanity -- she's obsessed, and she wants back IN to her special, secret world. And, of course, we are the evil people who are standing in her way, and we can all just chalk this up to yet another reason why Kitteh is going to kill us in the night, and y'all please avenge me.

But, in the meantime -- that's how you accidentally seal a cat in the wall, you guys! I don't recommend it whatsoever, but holy shit, this is NOT getting less funny with time.

So, that happened. And I'm sure I'll be back soon, after we do something else ridiculous, like accidentally fricassee Bo during a vegan dinner party -- in any event, at least it'll be more interesting than an accounting of my favorite smells.

Y'all have a good week; just be happy that (a) you're not married to me, and that (b) my adorable husband doesn't have access to your plumbing. Or your cat. Kisses!

Posted by doxie in | permalink

50 Comments

I adore your crazy ass house :)

Posted by: veebeewhy | January 25, 2011 04:40 AM

Okay, you have this all wrong. SENATOR SASQUATCH read the last post and got into the linen closet because everyone uses cell phones now so there were no more nearby phone booths and changed into his PETAMAN uniform. PETAMAN scooped Kitteh from the lady-part cleaning and evil planning laboratory (also known as Master Bedroom of Doom) and put Kitteh into the Fortress of Solitude (also known as Inside The Walls) to save her from a ravenous, blood-thirsty Leigh.

What PETAMAN did not know is that Kitteh is a secret PETA agent, much higher up the corporate koala-friendly, no animal testing bamboo ladder at PETA. Kitteh's one mission is to destroy you, leather-shoe-wearing-and-deoderant-using meat eater. Kitteh used special Kitteh powers of fitting through spaces no bigger than her head to get out, and is back to drawing diagrams of your expected untimely demise on her lady parts with her tongue.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Posted by: Lisa | January 25, 2011 06:03 AM

Ah, yes, life with cats. Mine loves to help my boyfriend with plumbing work. (Boyfriend is master plumber. Cat is... not.) The other day, the oven had been taken apart in order for a new thermostat to be installed. Cat got in oven, crawled threw open panel, and got trapped between oven and wall.

Posted by: Michele | January 25, 2011 08:37 AM

omfg THAT was hilarious! Y'all are nuts, in a very good and entertaining kind of way!

Posted by: Kelly | January 25, 2011 08:38 AM

Super funny! Still, you haven't lived until you've sealed a ferret in your walls. 100% more fun! (no, it's not.)

I'm sure she will stop tormenting you and forget about her super sekrit world behind the walls. Any day now...

Posted by: Sarah | January 25, 2011 08:39 AM

I love that title. Hee!

Posted by: Amanda | January 25, 2011 08:48 AM

LOVE the video. Hilarious! What is it with cats that they always want to get into places they're not supposed to go? Our old cat Mathilda had the run of the whole house, but she wasn't allowed in the attic (due to our fear of her getting lost in the eaves somewhere). So what did she do whenever we went up into the attic? She'd come from anywhere in the house and run past the open door into the attic meowing triumphantly as she ran! Then we had to chase her around until we got her to leave again.

Posted by: Mauigirl | January 25, 2011 09:00 AM

The cat heiny-hole....too much!

Posted by: Barb | January 25, 2011 09:06 AM

Laughed so hard I'm crying, and only partly because we have silly cats who do dumb things like that as well. It was the " this is NOT getting less funny with time" that pushed me over the edge though..... cuz you are right. Totally right. And the more I think about it, the funnier it gets. :)

Posted by: Kenna | January 25, 2011 09:58 AM

Thank god I was able to get you that very important comment several times. :/

Posted by: veebeewhy | January 25, 2011 10:09 AM

The cat butt!

Posted by: JennyM | January 25, 2011 11:15 AM

Masterful slide show! I especially enjoyed how the pet portrait changed with every slide. And as a cat owner myself, I completely understand. To a cat there is nothing more awesome than the one place they're not supposed to be.

Posted by: Amy | January 25, 2011 12:07 PM

OMG thats SO funny.. Our cats always did the same things.. into places they were NOT supposed to be. When we rented a house way back when, we were not allowed pets ( :( ) but had cats.. so every time the landlord was doing inspections, the neighbors would trade houses for our various pets. we'd take theirs while their inspection was on going and then they'd take ours for the inspection of our house.. sure enough, one day our turn was up for inspection , and the cats were to be corralled and farmed to the neighbors for a few hours. Our one cat managed to get herself into the area ceiling above the family room by crawling into a hole in the laundry room.. and do you think she'd come out to be sent to the neighbors? no freaking way. she was so far in the ceiling space, and would not come out. time was ticking, the landlord was on his way.. so we just left her, hoping against hope she would just stay up there and keep quiet during the inpection. but NO . HELL-CAT waited until the poor man was in the laundry room , up a ladder, and popped her little black head out of the access hole, scaring the poor man half to death when he saw yellow glowing eyes coming out of the hole at his face level. he screamed. he fell backwards off the ladder ( only three feet), and she calmly hopped onto the ladder, then to the washer, and sat there cleaning her paws while we a) died a thousand deaths from embarassment, b) tried to help the man up ( while not laughing ) and c) tried to come with some explanation as to where this cat that "we've never seen before, really " came from..

needless to say.. we moved shortly afterwards..

Posted by: lori | January 25, 2011 01:03 PM

I am so, so glad that you are back to blogging again. Stories like this are the ones that make me laugh out loud and I couldn't be happier that you're back to writing them.

In other news: be careful. Once my cat learned she could get into the walls, she found ways to get in. Ways we still can't figure out. Ways that ended with my father crawling UNDER THE HOUSE and luring her out with catnip and the promise of squirrel watching.

Posted by: Lindsay | January 25, 2011 01:15 PM

Want to make joke about your adorable husband accessing my plumbing...must...control...not appropriate...gahhhh ;)

Great post!

Posted by: ZestyJenny | January 25, 2011 01:44 PM

This is hysterical! And on the "I am kind of a handful" remark, I must admit I recently asked my long-distance boyfriend this. I have a screenshot which captures his face mid-indecision on how he can best diplomatically answer me without saying, oh, I dunno, HELL YES.
Love is grand, ain't it?

Posted by: Nicole | January 25, 2011 03:35 PM

Alternate Title: The Tell-Tale Kitteh.

Posted by: Deb from Austin | January 25, 2011 03:56 PM

LOVED the slide show... esp the pictures of Bo and Gimmme! You are so creative. I can totally believe this about the cat. My Grandma had one who hid in a hole in the closet for six weeks. We thought it had run away!

Posted by: Laura | January 25, 2011 08:11 PM

I loved the slideshow. May I request that the next time something like this happens, and we now it will, can you do a dramatization? You know where the names are changed and all that. You would probably need to hire animal actors, since yours would probably demand huge dressing rooms and no one would be allowed to look at them.

Posted by: IzziB | January 25, 2011 08:20 PM

Your slideshow was HILARIOUS!!! Love the fantastic job you did on it I was rolling in laughter. So FUNNY. Thanks to kitteh for keeping you postin!!!

Posted by: Kellie Cales | January 25, 2011 08:23 PM

When are you guys going to be a reality show on TLC? Now THAT I would watch!

Posted by: Shaxgirl | January 25, 2011 08:27 PM

Classic. I demand more slide shows in future!

Posted by: aebell | January 25, 2011 09:13 PM

Mwahahahaha! I love this! You are a genius! My favorite part is the changing picture on the wall (attention to detail, omg) and also Brian's expression of glee as he did the laundry. BTW, maybe try Vimeo for future slideshows? I don't know what their copyright policy is, but it's probably better than YouTube's.

Posted by: BaddMinton | January 25, 2011 09:52 PM

Cats are big on "territory" -- they'll regularly patrol all the space they have access to. And having discovered a new stretch of territory, they do not appreciate having it blocked off!

Posted by: Mental Mouse | January 26, 2011 09:09 AM

Screw the law. You must make cartoons for the rest of your life. This, I would get up early to watch on Saturday morning.

Posted by: Caroline | January 26, 2011 10:43 AM

LOL - that is so awesome! Don't forget that you still owe us your bra story. Well, maybe not "owe" - but you promised.

Posted by: Scott | January 26, 2011 11:45 AM

Vicks. That is my favorite smell. I totally would have had that conversation with you at 2.m.

Also? I love that cat. That Chilean miner wannabe cat.

Posted by: June Gardens | January 26, 2011 01:29 PM

Haaaaa, Chilean Miner Kitteh; I seriously don't know how she didn't end up killing herself. There can't be THAT much room back there, and Kitteh actually had to wander pretty far to get from the linen closet to our bathroom; she's insane.

I thought about doing a slideshow of Kitteh's adventure from inside the wall, but it would have just been three minutes of total darkness. Because: is no light inside walls! And for a cat that regularly falls down the stairs when she HAS the gift of vision, this TOO makes it amazing that she didn't hurt her fool self.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | January 26, 2011 01:36 PM

Last place I lived, my neighbor had a cat. Neighborhood has squirrels. Building has roof.

Squirrels have created doors into roof. Cat, while prowling the balcony, discovers squirrel door.

I (while packing for a trip, after no sleep all previous night (bad planning, don't ask) hear:

"owwwww.... owwww...? owwwww...!" coming from...everywhere.

Finally figure out what happened. Build unlikely stack of furniture in hallway to reach access hatch to roof interior. Open hatch. Sweetly persuade (somewhat freaked) kitteh to come to open hatch. After several failed tries, GRAB KITTEH BY SCRUFF. Extract kitteh from roof. Return kitteh to neighbor. Retrieve furniture. Go on trip.

Everybody lives.

But your story is better.

Posted by: Jacque | January 26, 2011 02:51 PM

My grandparents had a cat who figured out how to pry loose one or two of the heat vent covers in their house and would gain access to the furnace ductwork and roam around the house beneath the floors.

Occasionally, she would pop up, whack-a-mole-style in the bathroom or kitchen (where the loose covers were). Sometimes, she would get bored and emit this peculiar, warbling meow (presumably to enjoy the echo). She never made that noise when she wasn't in the ductwork, and it was an eerie sound to hear emitting from the heat vents.

Eventually Grandpa got some longer bolts and secured those covers, but up until then, the cat would disappear down the ductwork daily, often for hours at a time. It was her happy land.

Posted by: Meetzorp | January 26, 2011 03:04 PM

Doxie,

Just the THOUGHT of the all-dark slide show, with nothing but glowy kitty eyes, is killing me.

Posted by: June Gardens | January 26, 2011 04:20 PM

We lived in a big old Victorian, with a huge furnace in the basement. During the more or less constant repairs, someone left the grill off of the heater duct in the upstairs bathroom. It was a tiny narrow duct. Unfortunately, we had a tiny, narrow kitten. We were standing in the living room when the kitten fell down the inside of the wall, top to bottom, screaming and clawing every inch. (Victorians have 12 foot ceilings.) Our eyes followed the sounds from the top of the wall to the floor, but the kitten was invisible. Someone yelled "THE CAT'S IN THE DUCT - TURN OFF THE FURNACE!!" and we ran for the basement. We had to rip all the ducts out of the furnace to find the right one and retrieve a kitten completely gray with ash. The furnace was never the same but the kitten recovered completely.

Posted by: Mary Holland | January 26, 2011 10:23 PM

Mary Holland, I am laughing so hard at your story that I am crying, gasping for breath, and just scared away all three cats that were sleeping on the couch with me. Oh. My. God.

Um, but I think I'm actually supposed to be commenting on Miss Doxie's post, to which I have to say: That slideshow? Proves you have waaaaay too much time on your hands, and we are the lucky beneficiaries thereof.

Posted by: scholae | January 26, 2011 10:40 PM

Cats are the best!

Posted by: Suzanne | January 27, 2011 12:37 PM

OMG, that is the funniest thing I've seen! I loved the drawings and how the background photo of Bo constantly changed when Kitteh was trying to get into the linen closet. Awesome.

Posted by: Pickles & Dimes | January 27, 2011 01:28 PM

Watch out for the Kitteh. She is clearly planning some nefarious shit behind those walls, much like Annyong on Arrested Development.

Posted by: Amy | January 27, 2011 09:24 PM

Heeeee, Amy, if she shows up in an Uncle Sam beard and hat, we're evacuating.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | January 27, 2011 11:09 PM

I love cat stories, and that slideshow? Was genius.

There's been one or more kitties around for most of my life and they never fail to keep me entertained (and annoyed, sometimes). One of my current cats, Mischief -- very aptly named, believe me -- used to climb to the top of my dresser, which has shelves going quite high, and leap onto the bed from there. She especially used to love doing it when there was a sleeping person in the bed, and she did not like my late father so she would land right on top of him. Everybody else, she'd land beside them. Mischief is not a small cat, so you can imagine the impact. My father was afraid his own cat would pick up the habit.

Posted by: Sharon | January 28, 2011 03:54 AM

Loved the slideshow especially the ever-changing portrait.

My very first cat, a petite black 2 yr old who I had had for only several days, was sealed in the floor. I had just bought a townhouse and the developer had to correct a problem with the firewall in the master bedroom, located on the second floor. When I scheduled the work to be done, I kept telling the work supervisor to please make sure my cat did not get out as she was indoor only. I came home from work and went looking for my cat. I kept calling her name but couldn't find her anywhere although I could hear her meowing. Thank goodness the supervisor stopped by to check on the work before going home because I was close to panicking. We finally pinpointed where her cries were coming from - she was in the ceiling of the first floor laundryroom which was at the opposite end of the building from the master bedroom. The guy had to cut a hole in the ceiling and reach in and grab her otherwise she wasn't coming out voluntarily (good thing she didn't run away from him either). The supervisor talked to the worker the next day and figured that when the worker went out to lunch he neither closed the bedroom door nor covered the hole when he left, so she of course had to check out the area where he had been working and jumped in where the flooring had been pulled up. When the worker came back to finish up, she must have moved farther away from the opening and he sealed the floor not realizing she was there. Guess that was one way of preventing her from going outside!

Posted by: glf | January 28, 2011 11:06 PM

This was hilarious! And the video was a piece of creative genious, hehe. I love kittehs! I have an old, fat one that doesn't do much except sleep and eat. And poop. But I love him.

Posted by: Leeny | January 29, 2011 09:42 PM

Please tell your mother that her title warms the cockles of this English major's heart.

And your film? I'm thinking red carpet and sparkly dresses. That's right--I'm talking the 2012 Academy Awards. Because the Academy needs more funny.

Posted by: Poppy Buxom | January 31, 2011 11:42 AM

My cat occasionally loses his mind when he gets a raw chicken wing as a (tooth-cleaning) treat. Mostly he just eats it in the kitchen on his little towel, but sometimes he goes mental and runs all over the house with it, growling. The other day he took it under the couch (after being chased up the stairs, down the stairs, and under the dining room table). We just gave up and let him eat it under there (lots of crunching and growling - apparently it was a really good one). Which reminds me that I need to have my husband pull out the couch and shampoo the carpet under (I'm 38 weeks pregnant, so I sure ain't doin' it!) Next time he's getting locked in the laundry room on chicken wing day.

Posted by: Emily | February 1, 2011 02:06 PM

Once, as a favor to a friend, I took his cat in to the vet for a checkup. I stopped on the way home with the cat in the carrier, and told my husband, DO NOT let the cat out of the carrier. Which.. of course, he did, and the cat promptly fled to the nether reaches of our large, very old house that was in a constant state of remodeling and therefore filled with all kinds of good hidey places. After nearly an entire day of searching, we find the cat... hiding in the bathroom wall. Husband ended up having to take a Sawzall to the bathroom wall to get him out.

On the plus side, we finally did remodel the bathroom after that.

Posted by: Marchelle | February 3, 2011 01:49 AM

Slide show was genius. I agree with previous commenter that my favorite part was Brian's "Yay!" face with the laundry. My husband once sealed our kitty in the crawlspace between the second and first story of our old tall house. He had been installing a vast assortment of cables for the tv and stereo, and was hiding them under the floor so as not to look all ugly and tripping hazardy, and he had cut a hole in the wood floor big enough for him to crawl into. While it was open we kept reminding each other to make sure the kitty did not go in the hole, because she would have access to the entire crawlspace and we would never get her out, etc. That is what makes it super stupid that this happened, because we so aware of the risk of kitty doing this, and yet. . . Of course, later that day, when husband was ready to nail the floorboards back down, I reminded him again about kitty, and he confidently said, "Oh, I just saw her downstairs, there's no way she could've gotten up here that fast." Kitty's name is Speedy, btw. Really. So a couple hours later, we sat down on the sofa to watch some tv, and hear scratch, scratch, scratch. Then some terrified meowing. We looked at each other with that are you thinking what I'm thinking look. And well, let's just say there were a few more holes in our pretty wood floors before the night was over.

Posted by: Spring | February 4, 2011 10:09 AM

ZYes!!! I am so happy your back and happy! Had to lol at timing you found your soulmate when I found out who I thought was mine really was a tool an ended up leaving. Was hoping to party in Atl with ya :( oh well. Am thrilled your happy an stop with faking it! Don't fake anything!!

Posted by: brooke | February 6, 2011 02:53 AM

Dang i thought your blog was killer, gave me a car load of information, i never knew, thanks blogger.

Posted by: Robbie Dedic | February 6, 2011 06:59 PM

If you could email me with a few hints on how you made this website look this good, I would be appreciative!

Posted by: landscaping | March 6, 2011 05:02 PM

I will invite all my friends to your blog, you really got a great blog.;'`".

Posted by: Food Poisoning Signs %0B | March 12, 2011 03:28 PM

How in the world did I let 6 months go by and think you weren't writing?! No idea! Bad me! Now I'm catching up and holy crap that video was high-larious! Can't wait to catch up w/ the rest of your crazy self. xoxo

Posted by: Miss Devylish | June 12, 2011 08:44 PM

AM. SO. HAPPY. That I chanced to pop by and see all the Mrs. Doxie writing and marvelous news! F*&^ YES AMERICA!!!!!!!

Posted by: Aunt Tasty | July 6, 2011 02:08 PM

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