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It's A Gooder Thing!

December 23, 2010

Every morning for the last month or so, around the same time I'm pulling into the Rape Garage for work, my blackberry gives off a little email buzzle to alert me to the fact that, LO, once again, Martha Stewart -- the woman who brought us glittered pumpkins, a notion deemed so fabulous that glittered pumpkins were subsequently available at my Target this Halloween -- has been kind enough to send me the instructions for a Christmas craft I can hand-make for my loved ones, O, thank you, Our Lady Of Consumable Creativity. And, according to the daily email, all of these crafts are "Good Things (TM)", but...I don't know. I kind of have issues with an awful lot of the Good Things, y'all.

I mean, to begin with, there's no consistency in skill level -- one day, Martha's all, "Uh, yeah, take some old pot holders, super-glue them together, and VOILA IT IS A SCARF" and I'm like, "That is ugly, no." Then the next day, Martha says, "Step one: know how to knit, weld, and speak German" and 45 steps later, you've built a pair of scissors and a decorative hubcap out of discarded soup cans. And again I say no, because I am not going to put forth that much effort into hand-making something I can just go pick up at Target for ten bucks (COUGH *glittered pumpkin* COUGH). So, these are not things that are necessarily good, is my point; sometimes, they are just things that will waste your time, make you say swear words, and drive you to drink.

But still, you know how I get all crafty and stuff. And I know that a lot of y'all do, too. So I decided I would share a good thing of my own with y'all, in keeping with the holiday spirit. Maybe you do not have a gift for someone special out there, in which case: rejoice, procrastinator! Here is something I actually made for my father last year, in a random spark of brilliance. And I promise that this thing is actually good, because (a) it really is quite easy to make, and (b) you can't pick this shit up at Target. At least, not this season.

So, here we go: A Gooder Thing, In Steps:

Step 1: Watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. This is a necessary step, because if you don't know this movie, then this entire entry and ensuing project will make no sense to you whatsoever and you will just think I've lost my mind. If you would like to stop reading now and go watch it, that would be fine, and I will wait here and drink eggnog out of moose-shaped glass mugs until you get back. Meanwhile, I get to skip this step, because my family has watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation so many times that we each have our own roles to play when we recite it, WORD FOR WORD, every time it comes on. Also, we can recite the whole thing on car trips, or at any point when we are bored and congregating. We are a joy to be around, is what I am saying. Also, I am saying that I pretty much know this movie inside and out, to the point that it is probably imparted somehow into my own DNA, and if I ever bear children, they will pop out and say something like, "The shitter's full!" and I will be like, yeah, I figured as much.

Step 2: Gather supplies. You will need:

(a) One Helper, in the form of hot husband/life partner/tolerant-person-who-will-look-at-you-skeptically-but-will-soon-comprehend-the-brilliance-of-your-plan;

(b) One Santa coat and hat (gloves optional, but entertaining);

(c) stuffed squirrel toy (one)
(note: very important that this not be a living squirrel);

(d) squirrel colored thread (some);

(e) needle (one);

(f) Sharpie (one); and

(g) alcohol (dealer's choice).

Step 3: Drink alcohol; share with Partner. Force Partner to put on Santa coat, and turn around, so you can look at Partner's fine hiney, as so:

HowTo1.jpg
Fine Hiney Not Pictured

Step 4. Position stuffed squirrel on Santa coat. Get all four Squirrel legs spread eagle, in the style of flying squirrel, or squirrel "getting low" on dance floor. Mark foot locations on jacket with Sharpie, as so:

HowTo2.jpg

Step 5: Remove jacket from Partner (IMPORTANT STEP)

(Or, Modified Step 5: Apologize for poking; provide Bactine to Partner; realize you should have removed jacket from Partner prior to step 6.)

(Also, this is a good time to recover Squirrel from Bo.)

Step 6: Using squirrel-colored thread, sew squirrel feet to jacket on designated Sharpie marks.

Step 7: Giggle at yourself for nine hours, and then stuff whole shebang into large, unattractive box; decorate with bow that fell off of something else, because you're classy like that.

Step 8: Step back and watch the phases of excellence unfold before your very eyes:

STAGE 1: WTF

huh.jpg

STAGE 2: OMG

omg.jpg

STAGE 3: LOL

awesome.jpg

bestgift.jpg

And, bonus stage, if you are my family -- the recipients of your Gooder Thing reenact the actual scene from Christmas Vacation, and run up the stairs with the squirrels attached to their backs, in the manner of Clark Griswold on that fateful. fateful evening:

moreawesome.jpg

acting.jpg

Hee. Oh, we are crazy people, I know. But now you know how to be crazy, too! And you can't tell me that this isn't one of the more awesome handmade presents you've ever seen in your whole life, because: yes, it is. Ooo, and! Another good idea we had was a 3-D puzzle shaped like the leg lamp from a Christmas Story; you could put Fra-Gee-Lay back together again! Then we also had some bad ideas to balance out all of the good ones. Like sweat-scented deodorant. Sweat-scented deodorant would be a terrible idea, which is probably why, out of all of these products, it is the one most likely to appear at Urban Outfitters next year.

Thank you to all of y'all for welcoming me back so warmly, and for all of your sweet words about our wedding. Brian and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, and that all of you are surrounded by love and happiness, and all of the goodest things in the world!

Posted by doxie in | permalink

56 Comments

How many people would like to be adopted by your parents? I'm guessing it's a LOT, including myself. Merry Christmas Leigh & Brian!

Posted by: catherino | December 23, 2010 01:33 PM

Your family is so awesomely fun! Jealous! Merry Christmas and welcome back!

Posted by: Kelly | December 23, 2010 01:59 PM

That is ridiculously awesome; mostly because of the re-enactment. I kind of wish my family was that brand of crazy, instead of their brand (which causes me to avoid them).

I will wave at you tomorrow as I fly into Atlanta for xmas (with my in-laws, not to stalk you).

Happy holidays!

Posted by: Amy | December 23, 2010 02:11 PM

Best Christmas present ever!!! I'm so jealous of the way your family does "crazy", I want some! Can you bottle it and ship it overnight to Michigan?!?!

Posted by: Davey | December 23, 2010 02:37 PM

That. Is. Brilliant. (And your dad's re-creation is marvelous.)

Our family prefers to recite "The Princess Bride" as our movie-incorporated-into-our-DNA-of-choice, but otherwise the experience is remarkably similar. I wonder if it's too late to make my dad a Holocaust Cloak.

Posted by: Cobwebs | December 23, 2010 02:51 PM

Completely. Totally. Fabulously. AWESOME! :)

I am just very grateful that fate intervened and had me put down my cup of coffee and swallow the latest gulp before I saw that last picture! LOL

Have a wonderful new year, Leah. Oh, and it's official. You're still Funny. ;)

Posted by: Minda | December 23, 2010 03:12 PM

Brilliant. We recite the Seinfeld episode about Festivus. "Hey! no bagel no bagel no bagel". Still we are a couple of degrees lacking on the crazy scale compared to your family. Have a great holiday.

Posted by: Rich | December 23, 2010 03:56 PM

LMAO! You need to send this tute out from your blackberry....

Love this! And everyone GOT it! Priceless!

Lou Cinda

Posted by: Lou Cinda | December 23, 2010 03:56 PM

Any craft that has drinking alcohol as a step is ok in my book!
Glad you're back, congratulations to you and Brian! Have a wonderful holiday!

Posted by: Jaime | December 23, 2010 04:43 PM

Oh Miss Doxie, I'm so glad you're back. Only you can make me literally laugh out loud as I read your brilliant posts. This is so cute, I love it. A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, Brian, and your family! And of course, the dogs - and the stuffed squirrel.

Posted by: Mauigirl | December 23, 2010 04:47 PM

HUZZAH HOORAY WAHOO YIPPEE! i'm so glad you're back!

congratulations a whole friggin lot on your wedding!

all the best and merry christmas!

Posted by: jen | December 23, 2010 05:52 PM

Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

Posted by: ZestyJenny | December 23, 2010 06:04 PM

Great idea! Where did you get the jackets? They're perfect!

Posted by: Bonney | December 23, 2010 07:51 PM

please to be explaining the car behind the squirrel covered gentlemen.

merry christmas!

Posted by: denice | December 23, 2010 08:08 PM

I love it! Thanks for coming back to all of us, we missed all the craziness and of course Bo.

Posted by: colleen | December 23, 2010 08:38 PM

So glad you're back missdoxie!

Posted by: Andrea | December 23, 2010 09:24 PM

sadness. my family has no movie.
yours looks full of WIN!

happy holidaze from Las Vegas!!! Glad you're back. (I can not say that enuf.)

Posted by: Suzi in Vegas | December 23, 2010 11:01 PM

The movie is brilliant (a family favorite in these parts too) and your idea was BRILLIANT. Love the photos. Your family seems so fun.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Posted by: KateMc | December 23, 2010 11:46 PM

Having you back is like the best Christmas EVER!

Merry Christmas!

Posted by: Mimi | December 24, 2010 02:18 AM

Hilarious! I love that movie! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all your loved ones!

Posted by: Melissa | December 24, 2010 09:29 AM

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year with or without the fake squirrels.

Posted by: Stacy | December 24, 2010 02:53 PM

We just finished watching it. Totally forgot Leonard Big Bang Guy was Russ in this one.

You should have made Bo a Snot costume-

Happy Christmas

Posted by: Lisa | December 24, 2010 10:38 PM

Awesome.

And welcome back! Glad you're back and happy and all is fabulous. Your wedding looked wonderful. And you looked beautiful (and I don't mean that in the "someone is wearing a wedding dress and you have to tell them they are beautiful" way but in the real way).

Posted by: Katie | December 25, 2010 07:12 PM

You sure it has to be a toy squirrel? We have plenty of live ones which could make for a fun time...

Posted by: Jazz | December 25, 2010 08:37 PM

Ah, kindred spirits!

My sisters and I re-enact/sing the love songs medley from Moulin Rouge every time we are together.

It's always a bit of a fight as to who gets to do the Ewan McGregor "WE COULD BE HEROES" line, as that's the one you can really belt out!

Posted by: Clover | December 25, 2010 11:17 PM

I'm so with you on the Martha Stewart Good Thing crafts! And it's so cool that Mr. Doxie appreciates the Doxie clan's sense of humor. Happy holidays to you all... especially Mr. Bo!

Posted by: Laura | December 26, 2010 01:16 PM

Pure awesome, Leigh! Hope you and your family had a marvelous (and hilarious) Christmas this year!

Posted by: aphrodite | December 26, 2010 08:15 PM

ruu k vme p, sex. fnf d, vit nhcgyq! jjoi a zdu jn.

Posted by: porn | December 27, 2010 12:49 AM

Interesting point of view.Thanks for the post. - Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. - W.C.Filelds 1880-1960

Posted by: Kerrie Felciano | December 27, 2010 06:48 AM

The internets are a-buzz with the Miss Doxie back-ish-ness! Your happiness warms my heart, Leigh. You deserve it.

Posted by: Suze | December 27, 2010 07:10 AM

So glad you are back and a big, fat GRATS on the being MARRIED thing!

Yay!

Posted by: Jen uh fer | December 27, 2010 09:09 AM

You are so lovely and we rejoice in your being back and full of the same fabulous writing that made us miss you so. Stay back this time, please!! Otherwise you get a million comments telling you how you are responsible for other people's happiness and joy. Ra!

Posted by: Lornaland | December 27, 2010 09:17 AM

LOVE that movie.

"DON'T THROW ME DOWN CLARK"

Posted by: creolebeauty | December 27, 2010 09:29 AM

Even though it is after Christmas, we still haven't exchanged presents with my parents. I'm totally doing this for my dad. Plus, now the Santa jacket should be on sale! I win! Thanks for the great idea! :)

Posted by: Lauren | December 27, 2010 09:33 AM

welcome home Miss Doxie - opps Mrs Doxie...

always have loved your stories and glad they are back.

Posted by: jenniferw | December 27, 2010 10:54 PM

AWESOME!!

Simply awesome :-)

Hope you & Brian and the Doxies had a wonderful Christmas.

Posted by: Kath | December 27, 2010 11:28 PM

uwi u wvc j, xxx. obp r, mfs pfwrlk! racv o rlc du.

Posted by: porn | December 28, 2010 01:19 AM

Oh I heart you and your craftiness to the ends of the earth, I swear. I still have some of your Miss Doxie cards that I use for thank you's and gifties. LOVE them! Hope you had a fantastic holiday w/ your husband and family and happy new year lovely girl! xo

Posted by: missdevylish | December 28, 2010 03:39 AM

Your husband totally looks like Mark Ruffalo's cuter younger brother. Congrats to the both of you, and A BIG FRIGGIN YAY to the fact that you're back here!

Posted by: Annie | December 28, 2010 04:23 PM

You are hilarious. And I think that since you wrote another blog entry you might *really* be back for realz.

Posted by: Lani | December 28, 2010 04:30 PM

A new, holiday post--the bestest present! Thank you.

Posted by: Diane | December 28, 2010 08:30 PM

Alleluijah. Holy Shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Posted by: Lauren | December 29, 2010 04:29 PM

teh awesome!

Here's a link to the video part of the squirrel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdiXSsFp29s

Cheers!

Posted by: shelli | December 29, 2010 10:17 PM

I have kept checking the blog, hoping but not really believing in the possibility of a Christmas Miracle. But here it is! You are back! (Cue choir of angels)

Posted by: Heartworks | December 30, 2010 05:11 PM

Those coats are rocking the awesome!

Posted by: Angela | December 31, 2010 11:56 AM

AWESOME!! So glad someone else in the universe loves that movie. Made dear fiance & daughter watch it last year - I think DD fell asleep, and DF demanded the previous 97 minutes of his life back. WTF??? Damn - that's why I wasn't very Christmasy this year - I didn't have my annual viewing! I shall watch it tomorrow while attempting to send out Christmas/New Year cards.

So glad you are back and look forward to a bra story that was mentioned a while ago.....?????

Posted by: Jenne | January 1, 2011 01:51 AM

Every so often, I'll check to see if there's an update...and there is!

Yay!!!

Miss Doxie, I hope you had a great Christmas and have a wonderfully happy New Year!!!

(Gotta work...I'll read later but am so happy you're still around. You're one of the most entertaining bloggers out there.)

Posted by: Serenity | January 1, 2011 08:11 AM

Oops! Just glanced at your previous entry..my bad.

Mrs. Doxie, have a great holiday season and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Posted by: Serenity | January 1, 2011 08:14 AM

I actually squealed and scared poodles when I randomly clicked on my Doxie bookmark and saw there was a new post. I kept clicking on and off all year, thinking and hoping that someday you and Bo would be back, and I'm very glad you are!

Congratulations on your marriage, and I'll just add a big ol' ditto to everything that everyone has said about how much fun the wedding looked to be and how gorgeous the photographs are.

Posted by: Poodlebugz | January 1, 2011 10:49 PM

That is freakin' hilarious!

Posted by: justJENN | January 2, 2011 06:26 PM

Love the squirrels! Have a wonderful new year y'all!

Posted by: Kellie Cales | January 3, 2011 01:03 PM

Thank you for coming back to us...your blog fans. I've been following you since 2005....I've lived in California, Maryland and Michigan...and no matter where I've moved, you are always the source that I go back to to laugh my ass off! Thanks and Happy 2011!

Posted by: Sunkisseddivas | January 7, 2011 06:04 AM

Doxie, fear not - you have NOT lost your funny bone whilst getting hitched. That's a real niiice jacket, Clark.

Posted by: Erin | January 7, 2011 05:46 PM

brilliant gifts!! also a huge Christmas favorite movie in my household too. "Why's the floor all wet, Todd?" "I don't know, Margaux!"

Posted by: margaux | January 9, 2011 03:35 PM

need to be adopted, pls!

Posted by: Kristina | January 10, 2011 09:32 PM

Holy hell, that present is even better than the Jelly of the Month Club.

And the re-enactment photos..... I believe I would feel right at home with your family.

Posted by: JennyM | January 25, 2011 11:01 AM

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