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Cookie and the Geese

August 20, 2008

So, sweet internet, I'm sorry it's been a while since my last post, but we've been busy beavers over here. And that is because last Friday, our awesome, adorable Cookie turned 30! Thirty! Which constitutes a milestone, and in my book, milestones are heralded in by making sure the celebrated party is completely divorced from any relationship she may have had with sobriety. Sobriety, we spit on you! And then, we sing.

Consequently, Cookie's milestone was celebrated with a three day party at my parents' lake house. The itinerary for this event included drinking things, eating occasionally, and then drinking more things. And, of course, it also included singing. Oh, the singing, and despite the fact that I can't even whistle in tune, something about copious amounts of wine makes me believe that, hark, I am an undiscovered songbird, and I must share my gift with the People. This problem is compounded by the fact that I seem to know all of the lyrics to every song ever made, from Toto to Tupac, something else which I feel compelled to share with those less fortunate. And so it goes, and so I wake up the next morning and ask Senator/Sasquatch/we-still-haven't-decided-on-a-name-over-here whether I serenaded the masses, and he is forced to gently admit that, indeed, I stood on the kitchen counter and performed a medley of M.I.A. to Metallica before someone finally put the iPod back on shuffle, thereby ending my "M is for Misery!" world tour. And then I swear off drinking forever. Until it is time for mimosas.

But, so! Singing happened. And because I cannot share that particular humiliation with you, or offer you a cocktail, or a bite of my soon-to-be-famous Fettuccine Alfredo [which will kill you dead, DEAD in a bite because it contains three parts heavy cream to every one part pasta (shh)], instead I figured that we could all celebrate this milestone by me finally, FINALLY telling y'all the story of Cookie and the Geese. Which is even illustrated! Just like a cautionary fairytale should be.

But first, we must begin with back story. The whole business began last year at our annual firm retreat. I don't remember the month during which the retreat was held, but I can tell you that the particular weekend of the outing contained Friday the Thirteenth. I can also add that we were staying in cabins in the woods. On Friday the Thirteenth. In the Georgia mountains. Where Bigfoot Deliverance lives. So there was a general sense of horror for everyone, but mostly me.

And mostly Cookie, even though her horror had to be secondary, because up in them thar hills, Cookie caught the most explosive, awful sinus infection that has ever been suffered by a human person at any time in the history of the world. I feel comfortable making this pronouncement, because I saw Cookie. And...people, Cookie is a beautiful woman. Truly. And yet, this sinus infection made her into a scary, gooey creature, which caused her eyes to swell shut, and forced random fluids to leave her various orifices and go shooting across the room without provocation, in the manner of a mucus-based sprinkler system, and as a result, we all spent the better part of the weekend running the hell away from her. She was like a geyser of disease, and she clearly felt like walking fucking death.

As soon as the retreat ended and we returned to a town where doctors do not suggest 'bleeding' as a treatment, Cookie took the day off work and went to see a professional. And so there I was, sitting at my desk and believing that Cookie was finally getting the medical attention she deserved, when one of the partners came into my office and said, "Cookie was just in a car accident! Have you heard anything?"

Obviously, I was immediately concerned, and my head filled with images of Cookie sneezing and the windshield blowing out with the gale force of her projection, or possibly, strands of mucus actually leaving her nose and, proboscis-like, seizing the steering wheel and heading out for the open road. But before I could ask any follow-up questions about her condition, or to clarify just how, exactly, snot forces you to wreck a vehicle, my phone rang. And I saw that it was Cookie, and so I answered, and this is what occurred:

Self: Dude! Are you okay? I heard you were in a car accident!

Cookie: [Snort. Sniff] I wad id ad assidend!

Self: I know! Are you okay?

Cookie: I tink so. But I wad ID AD ASSIDEND.

Self: I know! How's your car?

Cookie: ...Car? Oh, carss FIIIIINE. Is PERFIC.

Self: I...good?

Cookie: Becods I wad dot ID a car ad de time.

Self: You were in an accident without your car?


Self: You were in an accident without your car...ON THE HIGHWAY.

Cookie: Jes.


Cookie: Georgia four hunnerd.



Self: ...

Cookie: Ids JUR FAULD.

Self: What?! How my fault? What'd I do now?

Cookie: Dere. Wad. Geetz.

Self: I...Geetz.

Cookie: GEETZ. GEETZ GEETZ GEETZ. Birs thad hong, like 'hong hong.'

Self: Honk?


Self: Wait, geese?

Fuggin GEETZ. Das whad I said.

Cookie: JES. A momba goots an a bunch ob baby gootses.

Self: A momma geese and a bunch of babies on...Georgia 400?

Cookie: JES. Ad we were id traffics, ad I wadn't gonna led dem ged hid by a car.

Self: So...you got hit by a car instead?

Cookie: PREDDY MUSH. I got oudda da car to try to walk dem offa da road.

Self: Uh-huh. On Georgia 400.

Cookie: De traffic was mossly stopped, so I pulled ober, ad I started runding adda geetz, wabing my armbs.

STOP GEETZ! Whad da hell id da MADDER WID YOU.

Self: Oh, no.

Cookie: Ad I wad screambing, "GID OFFA HIGHWAY GEETZ BABIES!" and dey were honging ad me ad runnding all ober and FREEGING OUT.

Self: Jesus Christ!

Cookie: I DOUGH. Ad fidally I wad gedding dem back to de side ob de road? Ad I wad habby.

Aw, dere you go to safedy, you stubid stubid geetz.

Self: Aw!

Cookie: Ad DAT is when I god HID BY A CAR.


Cookie: JES.


Self: On GEORGIA 400.


Self: How...I mean, are you dead right now?

Cookie: No. She waddn goin very fasd. I jus kide ob tumpled ober.

Self: Holy SHIT.

Cookie: I dough!

Self: Holy...shit!

Cookie: Dude, I DOUGH. Id hurd my ankle!

Self: How did she not see you?

Cookie: I wad leanin ober, tryin to ged on de geetzes lebel, so I could...herd dem.

Self: You were leaning over in the road?

Cookie: I wad on all fourds.

Self: On the highway?!


Self: I...Jesus, that's, like, the best Karma ever, though. You saved those geese!

Cookie: Indyway. Thid id your fauld.

Self: Me? But! At...work!

Cookie: SDILL. Sdill, dis is EZZACDLY the kide of STUPID SHIT YOU DO ad den dat makes me tink, 'Oh, dis is de normal response to wild GEETZ on de highway, I'll jus ged OUDDA DA CAR and den RUN AROUN DA ROAD, IN DA RAIN, WABING ad SCREAMBING AD FUGGING GEETZ.'

Self: But....

Cookie: Ad THED do you DOUGH what HABBEND?

Self: You...


Self: ...but....

Cookie: HID, Leigh. By a car.

Self: But....hee?

Cookie: I hade you.

Self: Not nearly as much as you're going to hate me when I write about this for the whole internet!

Cookie: (silence)

Self: I....kidding?

Cookie: Cad you call me 'Mudder Goots?'

The following weekend, a noticeably-less-congested Cookie -- who is a very good sport -- agreed to reenact the scene in her yard and on her street, which is how we are lucky enough to have such vivid illustrations to go along with our story. Of Cookie. Being hit by a car. While trying to save a gaggle of geese, in the rain, on the highway, with a fever of 102. And if you ever wondered why I worship the everloving spit out of this girl, then that story should resolve the matter entirely.

So, happy birthday to you, awesome Cookie! I hope your next 30 years are filled with all the love and laughter you could want, that the errant geese of the world are kept firmly in check, and that you never have to endure my enthusiastic rendition of Enter Sandman ever, ever again.

And with that, I'm headed out to the beach today with the wonderful Senator Still Unnamed for a long weekend. So I'm sure I'll return with more stories of debauchery, wild birds, and painfully embarrassing singing for everyone. In the meantime, y'all take care, and if you happen to spot any confused geese wandering out on a highway near you, I'm confident that you'll know exactly what to do.

Ad den dey libbed habbily eber abter. Until dey god eadden by a Bigfoot bear.

Posted by doxie in Times My Friends Fell Down | permalink


OMFG. Seriously? Seriously.

I don't even know what else to say. Seriously?

HAAA. I mean, now that we know Cookie is happy and healthy and all.

Posted by: jonniker | August 20, 2008 04:32 PM


Thanks for sharing such a funny story. Your writing cracks me up.

Enjoy your long weekend.


Have we given up calling Senator Bigfoot "Shania"? I was partial to that one though I admit it might get kinda weird sometimes. Okay, most of the time. But still, funny!

Posted by: Janette | August 20, 2008 04:42 PM

Is the first pic of Cookie in a wax museum? That is eerie!

I've waited a long time for this story, but it was well worth it. :)

Posted by: DiaryofWhy | August 20, 2008 04:42 PM

that is pretty much one of the best stories ever. I also love Cookie and am so glad that she did that, all for our entertainment.

Posted by: the gazelle | August 20, 2008 04:42 PM

OMFG. The tears just spouted from my eyes like a cartoon character from laughing so hard.

It's such a good thing I'm on maternity leave and did not read this post at work because had I done such a thing, everyone in the entire BUILDING would know I wasn't working.

Thanks for the laugh. And Happy Birthday, Cookie!

Posted by: Pocklock | August 20, 2008 04:42 PM

That story was well worth the wait!!!

or should I say..

Dat Stowy wad well wordt dah wait.

thanks dude you make my everyday!

Posted by: Jen | August 20, 2008 04:42 PM

I heart Cookie! She is a Good Person, eben wid a code. She is totally Mudder Goots!

Posted by: Leesavee | August 20, 2008 04:42 PM

Oh my hell I should know better than to read this at work.

What I REALLY want to know is how long it took you to write Cookie's dialogue.

Posted by: Corinne | August 20, 2008 04:42 PM

I laughed so hard, but now, for some reason, my nose feels really stuffy...

Posted by: heels | August 20, 2008 04:52 PM

I love Cookie and I don't even know her.

Posted by: Carrie | August 20, 2008 04:54 PM

A friend just sent me this link. I laughed so hard that my children came running in to see what was going on with me. There were tears POURING down my face. Seriously, this is the funniest thing I've read in ages.

Posted by: Brilli | August 20, 2008 04:57 PM

Totally laughing my ass off and glad I'm not reading you at work for a change, because the secretaries always think I'm crazy, giggling like hell all by myself in my office. I'm glad Cookie didn't get badly hurd when da car hid her.

Also, I love geese. Many years ago I watched a goose chase down my not-yet ex-husband and bite him hard on the ass, and I have loved geese ever since.

Posted by: Gretchen | August 20, 2008 04:57 PM

Your Photoshop skillz make me a better man, Leigh.

Posted by: Dad Gone Mad | August 20, 2008 05:07 PM

That has got to be the funniest shit I have ever read. Or heard, because I couldn't help but read some of it aloud (mostly Cookie's lines).

Now I'm off to go wrangle me some geets!

Posted by: barnmouse | August 20, 2008 05:13 PM

I laughed SO hard, I cried and my stomach hurts and my co-workers are considering putting me a way in a rounded, padded room.

I heart you Doxie! You are the funniest person ever!!!~

Posted by: Stefanie | August 20, 2008 05:15 PM

You know, in the first photo Cookie appears to have such perfect skin that she looks like a mannequin. Uh, I mean that as a compliment, but somehow it sounds all wrong.

Posted by: Lori | August 20, 2008 05:37 PM

This, like so many of your other posts, gets two reads right away, and I'll be back for more, like the hopeless junkie I am.

I love that your friends are as looney tunes as you are. I mean that with love! LOVE!!!!

Posted by: missbanshee | August 20, 2008 05:50 PM

That story was absolutely worth the wait. And tell Cookie she has the most gorgeous porcelain skin I've ever seen. And her reenactment was simply brilliant. Streep-esque. Have a great weekend!

Posted by: catherino | August 20, 2008 06:08 PM

Love it!! Da geeetz!

Posted by: JSauce | August 20, 2008 06:09 PM

Freaking. Hilarious.

Posted by: yo | August 20, 2008 06:21 PM

I laughed, I cried, I will want to look at the pictures again and again.

Posted by: WendyB | August 20, 2008 06:40 PM

Yes, saved to my drive as "possibly the best post on the internets ever.html"

Posted by: RobInOKC | August 20, 2008 06:57 PM

Damn. The GA 400? On all fours? Wow. She needs to start playing the lottery because girl has some serious karma coming to her.

Posted by: JRM | August 20, 2008 07:06 PM

Oh little baby Jesus, how I missed me some Miss Doxie.

Tank you toe much.

Posted by: ShakenFruit | August 20, 2008 07:14 PM

A goose once stole a bag of chips right out of my hand.

I'm pretty sure he was saying something like,
"'l'll be taking those, fatty!"

Still, it was good that Cookie saved them.

Enjoy your weekend with Senator Studly.

Posted by: Jane | August 20, 2008 07:16 PM

you are an awesome storyteller. that was hysterical, like all of your entries are. you should quit the lawyer gig and write books.

Posted by: Courtney | August 20, 2008 07:36 PM

Hee! Dat wud funny. I have no idea how you come up with all of that dialogue - genius!

Have a great time at the beach! Ella and I are headed down to the beach in SC this Friday for a week - first vacation since Christmas! (Stupid friggin' big firms).

Posted by: Peyton | August 20, 2008 08:16 PM

Okay, I know it's cliche to write "lol", but I REALLY DID LAUGH OUT LOUD. REPEATEDLY!

Thanks for coming back to the little people, stuffed in the internets as we are. We need the laughs!

Posted by: Damsel | August 20, 2008 08:29 PM

GOD, we so missed you. This is why.

Posted by: Annie | August 20, 2008 08:30 PM



Have a fun filled weekend.............take pictures of your new man please!


Posted by: jp | August 20, 2008 08:46 PM

I love Cookie too. That was some serious funny!

Posted by: Angela | August 20, 2008 09:05 PM

OMG, seriously...you had me rolling on the floor with Cookie's spurting bodily fluids taking over the steering wheel and driving straight into we know not what....god, I am so glad we're getting regular reports from Doxie Land again!
Oh, and Happy 30th to Cookie, the Mother of All Geese.

Posted by: Sharon | August 20, 2008 09:06 PM

That is seriously funny stuff! Cookie totally rocks and now has a large deposit in her karmic bank!! Happy birthday Cookie!!!

PS - everyone at work now thinks I need serious help as I laughed out loud at my desk at this story! You totally rock!

Posted by: Diane | August 20, 2008 09:16 PM

That is seriously funny stuff! Cookie totally rocks and now has a large deposit in her karmic bank!! Happy birthday Cookie!!!

PS - everyone at work now thinks I need serious help as I laughed out loud at my desk at this story! You totally rock!

Posted by: Diane | August 20, 2008 09:16 PM

Heart Cookie. Heart her reinactment. Heart her red tank. Heart heart heart geese, so I feel her on this.

Whose ridiculous goose painting is that? Is what I need to know.

Posted by: June | August 20, 2008 10:01 PM

I LOVE this story! And what great illustrations! Luckily I read it at home - for some reason my office firewall blocks Miss Doxie! They must understand the disruption that reading Miss Doxie at work would cause!

Happy birthday Cookie, and many more!

Posted by: Mauigirl | August 20, 2008 10:18 PM

My GOD, I have missed your stories. I don't think there is anyone in the internets who makes me laugh the way you do.

Posted by: Kate | August 20, 2008 10:19 PM

I found you link in one of my friends posts on Live journal and if you live anywhere near Sacramento, I want to party with you.

Posted by: Tig | August 20, 2008 10:30 PM

How is it that tonight I did a search on Doxeez and find your wonderful humor??? Where on your site can I find out da hole storee of you, your beginning and how long you have been the queen of the long dogs? Thanks for the gut laughs!

I am old enough to be your mother but humor has kept me young...it's a magic secret... thanks again. D

Posted by: Donna Dee | August 20, 2008 10:38 PM

My office firewall blocks Doxie too. It thinks she is Spam. This also cracks me up, in its own way.

P.S. Leigh, my three kids (7, 5 and 3) are now also fans based on the goose pictures. They think those are actual photos of the actual events. "Oh, that poor lady!"

Posted by: Gretchen | August 20, 2008 10:46 PM

Tell Cookie to be glad the geetz didn't try to make her their mate whilst she was on all fours. That happened to my sister . . . not pretty OR fun.

This was pretty and fun. And so damn hilarious I almost shot Diet Coke out of my nose. Again.

You funny.

Posted by: Kateastrophe | August 20, 2008 11:25 PM

Tell Cookie to be glad the geetz didn't try to make her their mate whilst she was on all fours. That happened to my sister . . . not pretty OR fun.

This was pretty and fun. And so damn hilarious I almost shot Diet Coke out of my nose. Again.

You funny.

Posted by: Kateastrophe | August 20, 2008 11:25 PM

OMG Miss Doxie

I have missed you for many long months, through my own break up after 6 years and other unpleasantness like writing a brief and 2nd semester Contracts. I so hope when I am a lawyer in 2 years, I can be Just Like You.


Posted by: Cruella | August 20, 2008 11:26 PM

I think I http'd in my pants a little whilst reading.

Posted by: daphne | August 20, 2008 11:30 PM

You just killed me dead with the laughing. I sent this to my friend Deb Jo because good lord - exactly like one of our adventures! Don't even get me started about how Deb accidentally set her hair on fire this weekend.

Posted by: Jessica | August 20, 2008 11:31 PM

Oh my GAWD. I am sobbing and laughing so hard. You are the only person who can make me cry with laughter.

Posted by: Lissa | August 21, 2008 12:38 AM

I am crying. CRYING. With laughter. FOR YOU.

Also, MT ate my comment. Stupid MT. HATE YOU DIE, MT.

Posted by: Lissa | August 21, 2008 12:39 AM


I seriously think I hurt myself laughing so hard at this.


Posted by: EnigmaticZero | August 21, 2008 02:33 AM

That has got to be the most insane story I have ever heard.

I cannot BELIEVE she actually did that on GA-400. I don't even like to DRIVE on 400.

That had to be insanity from too much sinus medication.

I hate geese. They used to wake me up every morning.

I say each goose on that road was worth about 50pts. Could have gotten a high score if it weren't for that pesky Cookie.

Congrats on joining the 30 club, Cookie. I celebrated mine at the end of July. When do we get to collect social security again? Is it soon???

Posted by: Circe | August 21, 2008 02:45 AM

Jesus Christ, Leigh. It's worth every minute of the wait. YOU OWN THE FUNNY.

Posted by: Caroline | August 21, 2008 03:32 AM

Thank you. oh God, thank you. The story was phenomenal on it's own, but including the pictures made it possibly one of your best posts.

For those who have never had the pleasure- If Georgia 400 were an oval shaped highway it could be a NASCAR track because that is how fast everyone drives on it. I can't believe Cookie was on her hands and knees on 400 and they didn't have to use a shovel to pick her up.

Posted by: mommack | August 21, 2008 05:27 AM

I am terribly delighted that the lovely Cookie is ok!
Getting hit by a car is no fun at all. I got splatted last year by an 84 year old man with no driver's license! He ran a stop sign when I was going through the crosswalk. The last thing I remember thinking was "Oh SHIT, he's not going to stop!"
Next thing I knew I woke up and saw a bunch of feet standing around me. Got ambulanced to the trauma hospital, and dosed up with not one, but TWO shots of morphine! I tried to hook up my daughter with the investigating cop, Officer McCutie, and thought the ER room curtains were beautiful and irridescent.
I got poked and prodded and stripped down to get into a gown. I did not care, though. Better living through pharmaceuticals and all that.
However, I picked that very day to wear these extremely hot, lacy, sexy red thong underwear. But that's not the worst thing. I WORK AT THAT HOSPITAL!!!!!! They knew who I was!
Oh the humiliation! Well, Only when the pain meds wore off.
Fractured my knee in 2 places and gave me a concussion to where a forgot a co-worker's name who I had been working with for 7 years.
So I am happy she is fine and on her feet and can still party with the best of them.

Posted by: deb | August 21, 2008 08:08 AM

Oh mah dear baby jesus on a plastic plate. My family is sitting here as I wheeze and cry with laughter, thinking that surely NOW i have gone utterly over the edge. Oh lord. That is... wow... that is possibly THE funniest thing i have ever read on the internets, which includes the story of Bo pooping all over the vet room out of spite and your mom's consequent hatred lol. wow. God bless Cookie!

Posted by: lydia | August 21, 2008 09:10 AM

God bless Cookie for saving the baby gootses. Seriously, that's the shit that rockets you straight to heaven in my book.

Posted by: jive turkey | August 21, 2008 09:19 AM

Ohhh how I've missed you and your fantastic stories.

Posted by: Kranki | August 21, 2008 09:25 AM

bahahahahahah Great entry. My mom's the biggest animal-loving hippie in the world, and I don't think even she'd get out of her car on GA 400 to herd geets.

Posted by: Atlantean | August 21, 2008 09:28 AM

OMG - that was hilarious and I am very happy that Cookie and the Geese are okay! You certainly have a way of expressing things that make me laugh so hard that I really must remember to not be drinking things when reading, as such liquids are caused to be expelled through my nose. Your blog should come with a warning! please! :)

Posted by: Scott | August 21, 2008 09:48 AM

OMFG! This was the most fabulous story... in fact one of the best stories that I have read in a long time. It made me cry with laughter and I really needed a good laugh. Thanks Miss Doxie! Please write MORE! :)

Posted by: Gotham Girl | August 21, 2008 10:08 AM

Hahaha... That's the best cautionary fairy tale ever! Cookie is a great mime/model.

Posted by: Jane | August 21, 2008 10:21 AM

I'm literally in tears. Which is unfortunate, since I work in an open-plan office. If anyone asks what's wrong I'll just sob and mutter "Ask de baby gootses. Dey dough wad dey did." At the very least it should get me a day off work.

Posted by: GCB | August 21, 2008 10:39 AM

ROFL! Hong! Hong!

Girl, you have me laughing my arse off at work. I SO missed you. =)

Happy Birthday and best wishes to the wonderful Cookie!

(And hugs to all the darling doxies!)

Posted by: Sithean | August 21, 2008 11:17 AM

This may be the funniest thing ever written, in the whole history of the universe. So, so awesome. Happy Birthday to Mudder Goots!!

Posted by: nonsoccermom | August 21, 2008 11:32 AM

OH MY GOD, MISS DOXIE IS BACK!!! I lurked and lurked, then you went away and I was sad. But now you're back, and I'm happy! So I'm commenting, in the language of a three-year-old, to say YAY!

And Cookie is a great humanitarian--if such a word is applicable with geese. Me? I fucking hate geese. Nasty things.

Posted by: kristin | August 21, 2008 11:51 AM

And this is why we love you so...

Hilarious. Happy B'day, Cookie!!!

Posted by: Matt | August 21, 2008 12:06 PM

OMG -- I'm sitting in my office with tears STREAMING down my face. Baby Gootzes!

Posted by: Erica | August 21, 2008 01:36 PM

Oh, my fucking god, this is the funniest shit EVAR! Kudos to you and Happy Day to Cookie.

I have to go compose myself now and maybe change my pants.

I really missed you, Leigh.

Posted by: Suzy Q | August 21, 2008 02:08 PM

I officially love Cookie! See my family did this kind of crazy stuff all the time, (my step mom saved a turtle that was in the middle of the road from a Mexcian[no I'm not racist he had a big flag on the back of his truck] that was going to eat him. She got out to move him to the pond next to the road he asked if he could have the turtle she asked what he was going to do with it, and he said make soup so she threw it in the back of our car (where it peed everywhere) and drove it home, and put it in the lake in our neighborhood.

Anyway I sometimes forget that this isn't normal until I show up to work 15 minutes late soaking wet from doing something like this in the rain, and see the looks I get. It's also how I knew my husband was "the one" when he didn't roll his eyes the 1st or 50th time I made him pull over.

Posted by: Courtney | August 21, 2008 04:08 PM

That is the funniest blog post I have ever read!!Props to Cookie, aka Mudder Gootz! And your re-enactment illustrations are fabulous! I'm so glad you are back.

Ps. I like the name Senator Studley.

Posted by: Mary Harney | August 21, 2008 04:54 PM

Pardon me while I run to the ladies to reapply all the makeup that I just wiped off my face from all the laughing and the crying. Sweet heaven that was the funniedt thing I have read in a VERY long time...like since around December 2, 2007. :) Soooo glad you're back and that we finally got the story of Cookie and the Geese! Well worth the wait! What a good sport! Happy birthday Cookie!

Posted by: Christine | August 21, 2008 05:06 PM

Okay. I have never, literally, shot a beverage out my nose. But "ID WAD A DESPERAD TIME." did it.

That was a story worth waiting for.

Posted by: Cobwebs | August 21, 2008 07:31 PM

I'm pretty sure "Dough Shit!" needs to be on a t-shirt.

That was some damn funny served up hot.

Posted by: Pammer | August 21, 2008 09:37 PM

That? Was FRIGGIN' hilarious. I love Cookie now, too.

Posted by: arubagirl | August 21, 2008 09:44 PM

Judt deeing de tidle ob dith edtry made me dqueal bery loudly abd sbear a lot. Habbily! Habby cussidg.

+Blows nose+

Oh, lord, that is amazing.

Tale as old as time,
Song as old as rhyme,
Cookie and the geeeeese~

Posted by: Iggeh | August 21, 2008 10:17 PM


BTW, I also do a very enthusiastic drunken rendition of Enter Sandman. I blame Rock Band since every time it comes on radio/ipod/cd now I have to tell whomever I am with this is my fav rock band song to sing and did you know i once got a 98% for Enter Sandman on Rock Band?

Posted by: MazingAmy | August 22, 2008 12:41 AM

I don't even know where to start. Um, one: Hilarious. Two: Love the fact that you illustrated this with staged photos more than words can say. (I should take a photo of how much I love that you staged photos of this.) And three: Wish I knew you in real life because you're totally the sort of friend that every girl wishes she had. :)

(BTW, I'm the gal who sent you the Photoshopped pic of Bo as Bo Derek running on the beach like forever ago, remember dat? Yeah, I stopped blogging for like two years but now I'm baaaack and cannot believe I ever stopped reading blogs because yours totally makes my day. If you ever move to the DC area I want you to be my best friend, m'kay? Alrighty then.)

Posted by: Liberal Banana | August 22, 2008 08:41 AM

Sung to the tune of Bennie & the Jets by Elton John and Bernie Taupin

Caveat. I am NOT a songwriter or a poet. This is coming from an old hippie who made it out of the very early 70's fairly intact.


Hey Cookie, driving down 400
Your head is feeling something
That’s put many people under
You took the antibiotics
So look around
You're gonna see a sight
Solid rows of geese

Say, Doxie and Shania!, have you heard her yet
Out there chasing them down…Cookie and the Geese
They waddle into traffic
But Cookie's really keen
She's got spiky boots, a lawyer suit
You know I saw it on TeeVee
C-C-C-C-Cookie and the Geese!

Hey Dox, tell us all about her
The geese are getting restless
But Cookie makes them safe
They will survive, as long as she’s around
But don’t let her crawl the streets
When cars are coming down

Posted by: Deb | August 22, 2008 08:54 AM

Yay! You're back!
I was checking your website for months, and today I checked and there are THREE new posts to read!
It's good to hear that you've found Happy again. It shows.
Loved the geese story!

Posted by: Karyn | August 22, 2008 10:50 AM

Hysterical. GA 400 is pretty scary.

Posted by: sillydoggies | August 22, 2008 12:46 PM

Oh my LORD! Funniest story I have ever read... I'll never be able to look at geese the same way without thinking of your friend Cookie, bless her heart.

Posted by: Kristin | August 22, 2008 01:38 PM

You make me snortle too loud at work. Bad.

"Dough Shid!"
might make t-shirt wearable in public.

Party on, Doxie.

Posted by: Martha Jean | August 22, 2008 02:00 PM

Oh - so glad she is Oh Dey.

But, did no one take any videos of you singing and post on YouTube? What kind of friends do you have? (oh, wait, I know, ones in red tops that reenact humiliating moments for the web posting)

Posted by: JoeInVegas | August 22, 2008 03:54 PM

The absolutely funniest story I have read in ages. Great writing skill. I will read more of your work, believe me!

Posted by: Marpon | August 22, 2008 08:17 PM

The absolutely funniest story I have read in ages. Great writing skill. I will read more of your work, believe me!

Posted by: Marpon | August 22, 2008 08:17 PM

The absolutely funniest story I have read in ages. Great writing skill. I will read more of your work, believe me!

Posted by: Marpon | August 22, 2008 08:17 PM

You forgot to tell them about The Devil's Delight... and I don't mean the firecrackers!!

Posted by: Chemical Toilet | August 22, 2008 08:52 PM

Is it just me or does Cookie's dialogue seem like what Tweety bird would say?

Posted by: Roshan | August 22, 2008 10:50 PM

Welcome back Ms. Doxie!

When are you going to reopen shopdoxie?

Posted by: Brandi | August 23, 2008 03:01 PM

Best Story Ever, yes.

Posted by: Fraulein N | August 23, 2008 05:54 PM

We need more Cookies in the world! I've scrapped dogs off the road that have been hit by a car, but I've never been because of it. Note that yes, I would take a hit if it meant saving a animals life.

I'm glad Cookie is okay and that she got past her sinus infection from hell. Oh and if you're taking votes, I still think Senator Sasquatch rocks!

Posted by: Stacy | August 24, 2008 09:25 AM

OH MY GAWD, Doxie!!! Doxie 2.0 is even funner and funnIer than Doxie 1.0. YOU ROCK!!!!

Keep 'em coming!!!

Oh,and what's this about the unnamed Senator? Did I miss something?


Posted by: Melissa O | August 24, 2008 07:49 PM

ok. I went back and read. I've GOT IT NOW!! YAY!

Senatorman strikes me as kind of cool. What sayest ye?

Posted by: Melissa O | August 24, 2008 07:59 PM

My fiance refers to you as my secret girl crush, and always catches me reading your blog because, he claims, I have a special reading-miss-doxie-laugh (=hysterical, most likely) that only happens when I read this best! blog! ever!
Which on this particular evening has gotten me in trouble, because I should be helping him fold our wedding invitations... pscht. they can wait. doxie much, much funner.

Posted by: elise | August 24, 2008 10:29 PM

that was friggin' hilarious.

Posted by: paula | August 25, 2008 09:23 AM

Haha!!! That was amazing! And once again had me literally laughing out loud. Not one of those "Oh yeah, I lol'd" where you humor the person by making it sound like you were on the floor in hysterics, but the kind of laughing out loud that actually involves laughing. And loudly. :)
Your way with words is incredible. Can't wait for the next entry!

Posted by: Sarah | August 25, 2008 05:09 PM

I just discovered you are back. I am happy. I just decided to check one more time before officially declaring you ..... well you know.
Glad to see the dogs are ok. Always love to hear about them. It will soon be Halloween - I actually saw some decorations and magazines in the grocery last week. Then it will be Christmas according to the calendar of the marketing.
While you were gone I had to find someone to fill my empty brain. Check out ---



Have you also heard there is a new real, glossy paper magazine called Doxie Digest coming out (not gay) in October. It is quarterly. See what all you missed.
We love you. Hope you can stick around. Know we like you funny or single.

Posted by: MH | August 25, 2008 08:52 PM

Great story - even better pictures!

But about "Senator"... Seriously. VEGETRON. I am telling you.

Calling him Senator just makes me picture him as very old. And puffy. And stern and humorless and dry. Bad.

Posted by: McKate | August 25, 2008 09:49 PM

I think I fell a little bit in lub wid you just now.

This was brilliant.


Posted by: Kath | August 26, 2008 01:59 PM

I think I fell a little bit in lub wid you just now.

This was brilliant.


Posted by: Kath | August 26, 2008 02:00 PM

You know what? The singing thing could be WORSE. Seriously. *I*, for example, seem to be under the distinct (winey) impression that I can TAP DANCE. I have numerous semi-memories of my dates (back in the day) showing up in the kitchen to find me tap dancing my heart out in the midst of a circle of horrified onlookers.

Not enough therapy in the world for THAT. But there's a whole karaoke industry based on YOUR delusion.

Posted by: Barb | August 26, 2008 04:53 PM

What about... Tophat Shania?

Posted by: Iggeh | August 26, 2008 05:14 PM

I was havin' the crappest day until now...


You've made my day yet again, Miss Dox!

Posted by: Anj | August 26, 2008 08:43 PM

I think I might have just peed myself. Lemme check. *gets up, looks at chair* Oh yes...definitly peed myself.

Posted by: Aimee | August 26, 2008 09:43 PM

Hey Doxie, long time! Good to see you back.

And I haven't read all the comments, so I'm not sure if someone else has brought this up.

But is Cookie the same person as Julianne Moore?

Posted by: Klyde | August 27, 2008 09:48 AM

the world makes so much more sense now that you're back in it.

Posted by: plastic nico | August 27, 2008 08:52 PM

I, too, thought that the first photo was a mannequin.

The part that got me was the fact that she was on all fours, on the highway...hilarious.

Hey, how about Senator Shania for your new beau?

Posted by: Serenity | August 28, 2008 07:50 AM

Oh and btw: I tried to comment on the last post but it wouldn't let me...sob.

What I had mentioned was that you had posted that last post on my birthday and I was thanking you for such a great birthday present...BO photos!

Posted by: Serenity | August 28, 2008 07:52 AM

This is quite possibly the best post I've read today...no, this month...well, maybe ever!! Gah, I've got to stop reading your entries at work!!!!

Posted by: reen | August 28, 2008 03:17 PM

I'm just glad you're back blogging. I was worried you'd been eaten by mountain lions or something.

Posted by: victoria | August 28, 2008 05:34 PM

My 7 and 5 year olds are laughing their little tushies off at my (edited for content) reading of this post. You appeal to all ages Doxie! Thanks!

Posted by: Colleen | August 30, 2008 06:55 PM

...see, because of the hysterical hillarity of this entry, now whenever I use the word "happy" (which I do daily, most often in response to a) kittens, b) noodles or c) purple) I pronounce it "habby", and think of geese.

Posted by: Elise | August 30, 2008 11:57 PM

OMG, Doxie, I am so happy you are back. I just peed my pants. I'm glad COokie is ok, but Lord, is that a funny story!!!!!

Posted by: Erin | September 1, 2008 10:05 PM

Since it wouldn't let me comment in the last entry(it said it wasn't accepting comments) I'll say it here:

I think what you need is...a weiner puppy to liven things up,,,give Bo something to..play with..

Posted by: cindie | September 4, 2008 07:41 AM

Doxie dear:
I am sorry for your hurt
you like Manolos and he liked embroidered pants.
I'm just sayin'.

No lookin' back, ok? He will regret it all one day...

Posted by: Ream O Rama | September 5, 2008 12:33 AM

I still need to read this like once a day. Hee.

Posted by: McKate | September 5, 2008 10:35 AM

OMG, crying here! This is the best post yet. I would do the same thing as Cookie. I hope she is not suffering any ill effects from getting hit. I think I read this once a week for a good laugh.

Posted by: Tana | September 7, 2008 12:39 PM

Well, really, now that you are once again "off the shelf," I think I need to be formally introduced to Cookie. Because she is hot. In a red top. Or pretty much any way at all. She is total heat. Does she like men?

Posted by: Michael | September 8, 2008 04:01 PM

Not only are you the undisputed queen of the Internets, but you make a mean Fettucine Alfredo! I'm with you, Miss Doxie--it ain't diet food. A cream sauce based pasta dish, made properly, is a heart attack on a plate. Mangia!

Posted by: sharon | September 9, 2008 02:22 AM

can I tell you how glad I am that you are up outta the gutter and back to your rightful place of poking large fun at people whom you love AND that you and Shania are an item?

we missed you sumfin awful.

Posted by: Duchie's mom | September 9, 2008 04:19 PM

Crying,laughing so hard, is NOT allowed where I work, so DIS is your fauld, too!

Posted by: Lori K in TX | September 9, 2008 04:44 PM

Dear god, woman, it better not be this long for another post. That was hysterical! I had to do silent laugh in my office! Not good!

To Cookie, you are a Real American Hero.

Posted by: andrea | September 10, 2008 11:29 AM

Dude, I missed your posts.

Posted by: Chrissie | September 10, 2008 12:51 PM

OhmyFRICKINgod! I was reading along just FINE and silently smiling at your cute story and then you had to go and imitate Cookie and how she sounded word for word and in seconds I'm laughing hysterically almost falling off my ball chair, which I can barely stay on as it is cuz I'm so clutzy but you being funnier than all get out does not help a bit. No. No it does not missy.. but I do sooo love your stories. And happy belated to you, Cookie! And your cute geese!

Posted by: Miss Devylish | September 10, 2008 03:54 PM

I'm voting for "Senator Shania."

Posted by: Kate Setzer Kamphausen | September 11, 2008 03:02 PM

Cookie is the shizbomb, man. So freaking hysterical! Totally would not have been the same story without the reenactment. I think that there should be a yearly reenactment in which GA 400 is shut down except for Cookie, the geese, and the MUDDERFUGGING CAR. Kind of like they do civil war reenactments.

Posted by: Lulu | September 11, 2008 05:24 PM

So, Leigh...when are you posting again?!?! I mean, we're dying out here for more adventures of Leigh.

Posted by: Melissa O | September 11, 2008 07:02 PM

Great story....great post...but now it's the 15 of Septmeber.

More! More! More! More! More!


Posted by: Trista E | September 15, 2008 07:23 PM

Just so's you know? "ID WAD A DESPERAD TIME!" has now become an all-purpose exclamation up here in the wild Yankee hinterlands of, um, North Carolina.

(Did you know NC was "up north?" Yes, yes, it is, according to my SC family. Go, family!)

Posted by: Pave.Gurl | September 16, 2008 01:40 PM

I thought this sort of thing could only happen to me! I want a shirt - "Sabe duh geetz". Thanks for the laughs, you've got a new fan (Cookie does too).

Posted by: BarelyKnitTogether | September 17, 2008 11:10 AM

Maybe she's having too much fun with Shania! to entertain us.
That's OK. She deserves it.


Posted by: Debbie | September 18, 2008 07:56 AM

Oh, Miss Doxie, why do you torture and tease us so?

Posted by: Fancy Schmancy | September 19, 2008 11:09 AM

Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

Posted by: Debbie | September 19, 2008 12:54 PM

Please post! Tomorrow is a month!

But, so glad you are back and give Gimmme and Bo pets for us!

Posted by: Anya | September 19, 2008 01:28 PM

You are one of those people that is just high on life or popping extras from the doc? That Senator Still Unnamed sounds like a real boring prick. I think you would be better off dating a geetz. Damn Canadians always doing shit like laying out in the street and taking pictures of oddball scenarios.

Posted by: Whoa | September 20, 2008 04:56 AM

She disappeared again, didn't she?

Posted by: cindie | September 20, 2008 07:44 AM



Posted by: Melissa O | September 20, 2008 05:23 PM


Posted by: Melissa O | September 20, 2008 05:26 PM

I only just found out Doxie is BACK ONLINE.

Oh thank goodness Ms. Doxie and her doxies are back (even if diminished in number by 1/3). Welcome to the 2x dog club). We're a two dog household ONLY because I am banned by the boyfriend from even looking at petfinder.com (oh, that and our women pups WOULD NOT LIKE another dog taking attention from them).

Posted by: caehli | September 23, 2008 10:03 PM

where did u go??? Oh Miss D. I hope all is well on the homefront!

Posted by: val | September 25, 2008 01:57 PM

Me heart! It is lying shattered in tiny pieces at my feet!

Posted by: Debbie | September 25, 2008 03:26 PM

Great story and this is my first time here. I see you have alot of fans too. This is a story I will come back and read again. Love it!

Posted by: Carmen Vj | September 26, 2008 02:18 AM

OH MY GOD! I'd all but given up on you! I thought Bo hidden you in your basement and was never allowing you to see the light of day again!

I'm so glad that you're back and better then ever. It's totally cliche but everything does happen for a reason.

So...when are you getting another dog? Huh...Huh?

Posted by: Boomer | September 26, 2008 02:59 PM

What about shop doxie? I'm out of snarky, dachshund related cards and I need dachshund present tags for this Christmas! This is serious! Note the excessive use of !!!!! to show this!

Posted by: Boomer | September 26, 2008 03:06 PM

alright, so my friend kat linked you in her livejournal. i clicked, & i really don't know why, b/c normally i don't read the blogs of total strangers. but i checked you out anyway; i think her line was something about daring to read your archives & not laugh. & well, i can't turn down a good dare. first impression? hilarious, smart, & she says y'all? WTH, what a badass. AND pretty? WTH x2, you have got to be fucking kidding me. this gal can't be a real person.

i'm going to have to catch up on the archives someday. but in the meantime, planet unicorn, hayyyyy...

Posted by: linda | September 28, 2008 04:18 AM

Still desperately seeking Leigh....

Posted by: Melissa O | September 28, 2008 05:40 PM

Doxie, WTF???
Really, enough already! You come up with this fantastic essay about Cookie and the geese and then you fall off the radar..
We here in Canada are eagerly awaiting a new posting.

Posted by: Edna | September 28, 2008 10:15 PM


Please make the blank page go away. The internets[ok. me] need giggles!

[no pressure]


Posted by: Erin | September 30, 2008 10:17 AM

Where oh where oh Where is Doxie? Where oh where oh Where is Doxie? Where oh where oh Where is Doxie? Where can Doxie beeeeeee?? (Save me from Bear! Come back Doxie!)

Posted by: Mieneke | October 1, 2008 11:49 AM

Had to share!


I know Bo will hate me, but I'll take my chances.

Miss your blogging :-)

Posted by: Kath | October 3, 2008 10:04 AM

Why do so many of you act like Miss Doxie is obligated to post for you? Leave her alone. If she wants to post in her blog she will, if not she wont. Maybe she has better things to do- like live her life. She owes you nothing.

Miss Doxie, I hope you are doing well. I love your blog. :)

Posted by: trinkdea | October 4, 2008 10:43 AM

I missed you... and the dogs!!!!! Glad to see you're back and in one piece. :)

Posted by: Chris | October 6, 2008 02:40 PM

Andargee! Andargee!
Gwig! Guhgee, dell Bizz Dogzee dere will be ANDARGEE!

Posted by: debbie | October 6, 2008 05:37 PM

If only I had your email...I would beg you to post something. I turned my best friend onto your blog. She had one of the best weiners in the world for nine years. Link passed a few weeks ago and she just got his ashes back last week. We would tell each other when there was a new Miss Doxie post. We miss your posts. My girl needs a funny Miss Doxie post to make her feel better. PLEASE for Colleen!!!

Posted by: Cindy | October 7, 2008 11:31 PM

Hey, Miss D,

I hope everything's okay--it's all right if stuff changed since you posted this--we love you and support you like crazy.


Posted by: Ab | October 13, 2008 01:50 PM

Yeah. What AB said!

Posted by: Debbie | October 13, 2008 02:15 PM

I was laughing so hard my DOG thought I was crazy. HA!

And..ps..I turn into a professional DANCER when I drink..If we ever got together, our act would kick ASS...Or we would THINK we kicked ASS until the next day....and the reports came in from the troops...And the liquor wore off..NAH! We would still kick ass!

Posted by: Sarah | October 13, 2008 05:54 PM

Miss Doxie,

How is your Halloween going? Any crazy plans? Write soon!

Posted by: elizabeth | October 14, 2008 10:37 AM

can't.....breathe......can't....see to...type....
tears...in eyes...holy freakin' cow... so funny!!!

I needed a good belly rumbling laugh! Sorry it had to be at Cookie's expense...

Posted by: Tautchia | October 14, 2008 11:02 PM

Stop teasing us, child! I know you have a grown-up job but David Sedaris only writes a book every two years or so. I depend on Miss Doxie to fill the void and crack me up.

I love your writing, just wish there was more. I've always had a soft spot for people that can make a routine trip to the bank/grocery store/Wal Mart into an adventure of Indiana Jones proportions.

Posted by: Sara | October 18, 2008 10:56 PM

Stop teasing us, girl! David Sedaris only puts out a book every two years or so and you fill the void. I know you have a "grown-up" job and a life and everything. And that's just about being selfish, missy. You're supposed to be writing! But you gotta land yourself a damn book deal. Not fair that you're smart, pretty AND so freaking hilarious.

I've always had a soft spot for those people who can turn a routine trip to the bank/grocery store/Target into an adventure of Indiana Jones proportions.

Write more if you can.

Posted by: Sara | October 18, 2008 11:01 PM

Where you at Lady? Inquiring minds like to know! ;) Hope all is well...

Posted by: Mieneke | October 21, 2008 11:58 AM

Where you at Lady? Inquiring minds like to know! ;) Hope all is well...

Posted by: Mieneke | October 21, 2008 11:58 AM

Another Halloween without Miss Doxie.....

that makes the bogeyman cry.....

Posted by: wanker | October 21, 2008 12:56 PM

It is almost Halloween! I am sending you happy thoughts...
My plan is to buy a corpse and stand it up facing a corner of the basement, in the nook next to the beer fridge where my man will find it and pee his pants.
Just pray I don't forget and find it myself, first.

Posted by: Elise | October 21, 2008 02:20 PM

I keep finding myself singing the title for this post to the song "Bennie and the Jets."

Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Cuh-Cuh-Cookie and the GEESE.

Posted by: kate | October 22, 2008 06:43 PM

Kate! Great minds! Control F and do a search for Bennie to find the awful parody I did for Cookie and the Geese!

Posted by: Deb | October 22, 2008 08:38 PM

This was my last visit.

Please, if you aren't going to bother, take it down or say goodbye.

You are brilliant, that goes without saying, and very entertaining. Still, to wait weeks, months [Dukie situation not withstanding] for a post makes for a poor blog.

Goodbye Miss Doxie. My family and our resident Nazi, Spot the Dot Doxie, wish you well.

With your intelligence, quick wit and all around love you will go forward splendidly. The fact you are gorgeous, hey...doesn't hurt.

Take care. Bye.

Posted by: SkippyMom | October 23, 2008 06:02 AM

BO??? Are you there? Gimmme? anyone? Just kidding. I love you like crazy and can't wait for you to come back to us,and if thats not what you want, I just hope you are busy being happy and productive and whatever, cause like the song says "Its my life........ blah blah blah. Anywho... we love and miss you and the dogs and hope you are well and incredibly,wonderfully happy. (And getting laid on the regular)wink wink

Posted by: karla | October 25, 2008 02:25 PM

Also, the porn thing? Gross.

Posted by: karla | October 25, 2008 02:30 PM

Miss you. Hope all is well, or better, or less sucky. You don't owe us a thang, sweetie, but please know you are missed. A lot.

Posted by: Duchie's mom | October 27, 2008 01:32 PM

Miss Dooooxxxieee!! We miss you! Love, the internet.

Posted by: MyEvilTwin | October 27, 2008 10:54 PM

1. Yay!! Doxie back!! We love you and hoped you hadn't been eaten by the internet!!

2. OMG, Cookie! Stop getting run over!! Miss Doxie is not the same as Supergirl, can actually get hurt by cars!! No more trying to impersonate her!

3. Holy CRAP! Guess what, Dox?? The SAME FREAKIN' THING is happening to me and my boyfriend right now!!! We've argued about the marriage thing. He doesn't believe in it. I pretty much want it some day. Heck, I just WANT someone to WANT to marry me. Can't a girl even get that anymore? Well, and the fact that I found incriminating emails that he sent to another women that use the words "love", "your perfect body", and "I would snuggle with you if my arms were long enough". Which, in my book, pretty much mean "he's a douche" and "very nearly cheating". Anyway, just wanted to tell you that, again, as you pretty much know from everyone ELSE's posts, that you aren't alone!! Boys are dumb!!

Posted by: Gretchen | October 28, 2008 04:06 PM

I hope you don't mind but I made a couple of designs on CafePress:

Posted by: Mac | November 28, 2008 03:58 AM

Thanks, that's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Posted by: WT | November 30, 2008 03:58 PM

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