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ReDox

July 14, 2008

So, in short:

1. I am alive.
2. Thank you for asking.
3. Things were not okay.
4. But now they are better.

That's...pretty much the whole of it. Hello, y'all.

I've been dreading this entry for a long time, but it finally occurred to me that, hell. I know that I owe everyone an explanation as to my absence, and I'm tired of being alienated from my own website. So, I've made the decision, all of...oh, approximately six minutes ago, apparently, to just come out and tell everyone what's been going on. I'm just going to type without editing, and post this before I start thinking about it too much. So let's all grab a bottle of something, and settle in for a Very Special Episode of Miss Doxie.

As you have probably guessed, things broke bad over here in the Doxie land. And, oddly, it all started on the VERY DAMN DAY of my last post, which shows you precisely how long it's taken me to come to terms with this mess. On that night, back in December, Dukay and I had a talk about our future, and it...did not go well. To put things in the simplest terms, we'd been together for six years, and I wanted more. Indeed, I'd expected more; I'd been thinking our future was right around the corner. It turned out, however, that he wasn't ready. And lo, there was great mourning in the land, and the rending of many adorable garments that had been purchased on sale.

But then, around 1 a.m. ON THAT SAME NIGHT, my sister called with the news that, hello! She'd just gotten engaged. And so I switched gears and screamed and hollered and broke out the champagne and threatened to expose her most vile secrets to one and all if I was not designated as the maid of honor THAT SECOND, because this engagement is...perfect. It's just perfect.

Ziz is marrying Bob of the Baby Burning Video, and everyone who loves her could not be more pleased. And, hearing their voices on the phone, and seeing how they looked at each other when I saw them the next week -- I don't know. I guess I saw how wonderful it could be to simply be in love, and to look at someone and know that he's just so excited about the prospect of spending the rest of his life with you, he can't wait to get started. I mean...y'all? Bob learned how to play the ukulele for Ziz. THE FUCKING UKULELE. (WHICH FRANKLY I JUST HAD TO SPELL CHECK, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST WITH YOU.) And that is some devotion, right there.

But, the timing was interesting, to say the least, and it forced me to put a lot of shit in perspective. And because I am not particularly good with perspective (there are angles involved! Like in geometry! In which I believe I earned a C!), that whole business took me a while.

And so, here I am. And Dukay and I are no more. It's nobody's fault. But in the end, it was the very best possible thing for everyone involved, even if it took me a long time to figure that out.

And, I've been fucking dreading saying this to you, sweet internet, because I hate to disappoint anyone. I've put this life in front of you, and that life just didn't work out. In fact, I've been terrified of admitting my failure for so long, I've actually been avoiding my own website for fear of the awful things that are inevitably going on in the comments. Seriously, I haven't even looked at them since...January? Probably January. And, allow me to tell you why: because I am a big enormous coward, THAT is why. Every once in a while, Cookie will come into my office, her eyes the size of dinner plates, and say, "Do you...know what is happening? With your website? BECAUSE IT IS ANARCHY OVER THERE, DO YOU HAVE A GUN," and I would groan and put my head in my hands and think that dear Lord, I cannot handle this in the SLIGHTEST, because I am a woman with Issues Already, and my poor head is already filled with enough self-doubt and crushed pride to fill up the whole entire internet, and I am just going to run away to Guam, so be it.

So...wait. Yeah, that's neither here nor there, but seeing as I'm not editing this (HELLO), I might as well go ahead and tell you that I haven't looked at whatever drama is raging over there in the last entry. And I don't intend to. Because, I'm chicken. And because I really did have my reasons for being gone so long.

But, okay, there was actually a point I was attempting to find here, and if I recall, the point is that I've been dreading this whole business. I didn't want to tell y'all. I didn't want to ruin anyone's day, and bring you down to the place I lived. And I also wondered whether this site could even survive, with just me at the helm. After all, Dukay was a huge part of my life for so long. He's in almost every picture I've posted, and I've talked about him in pretty much every entry. Because, he was my world -- after all, I spent almost seven years (SEVEN. YEARS.) thinking that he was my future, and crafting a life around him. So I guess it couldn't have been any other way.

The fact is that Dukay was a great friend -- one of my best friends -- for a long time. We had a great time together. He made me laugh, and I don't have a single bad thing in the world to say about him. It's just that when push came to shove, we were in different places. We wanted different things, and I finally realized that what I wanted -- more than anything -- was someone who just wanted me. And, as simple and lame and naive as that may sound, it wasn't what I had. And it broke my heart.

Sooooo. For a long time, I didn't write, because I didn't have anything to say. And I guess it's okay to admit that I was pretty fucking depressed for a while. I mean, yeah, this was a small tragedy, in the grand scheme of things. People deal with worse shit every day. But it hit me hard, and I stopped being okay for a little while. And I stopped laughing. Incidentally, as you can imagine, I was a fucking JOY to be around, and I will be forever grateful to poor Cookie and my other wonderful friends who tolerated my post-teen displays of angst. As in, I am super glad I did not decide to write any poetry during this period. I am equally glad that I did not dye my hair. (Because, honestly, I totally thought about dyeing my hair, and it would be BLACK to match my FEELINGS, except that my eyebrows would still be BLOND to match...like, SOCIETY, or SOMETHING, and let's just say that I settled for purchasing a few Smiths albums on iTunes, and that probably ended up better for everyone involved, frankly Mr. Shankly, the end.)

But, okay. So here I am. And, I'm not sad anymore. Instead, every day, I've gotten better. And at this point, I'm feeling pretty awesome, actually; in fact, I'm happier than I remember being in years. Things work out the way they're supposed to, it turns out. And I've learned that sometimes, you're running a race that you really don't want to win.

Similarly, I have learned that sometimes it is important to speak in cliches. Today, evidently, is that day. So if anyone needs a gift horse looked in the mouth, I am totally your girl.

But point being, that starting now, a new generation of Doxie is underway. I'm going to try to make some changes, like...well, to the About Me page, for starters, but don't expect me to find THAT any time soon, because HOLY SHIT I forgot everything I ever knew about code, turns out. I don't even know where my actual control panel is. And, since I have a new computer (I'm on a Mac! Could you tell? Is it prettier?), I've lost all of my bookmarks, so all these planned updates may be an exercise in supreme futility, but WHATEVER, I'm going to see what I can do, and hope for the best. Because, that is the way the cookie crumbles! And the ball bounces! And there are too many cooks in the kitchen! And etc.!

But, anyway. There you have it. I'm so sorry that I couldn't talk about any of this until now; I just wasn't ready. But I'm finally at the beginning of Doxie, Version 2.0, and I'm truly excited about it. I'm looking forward to new stories, new people, old friends, lots of wine, and really interesting bruises. I'm headed out on my brand new, shiny life. And if you'd maybe like to come along, I'd be honored to have you.

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink | Comments (506)