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Working For A Living

October 04, 2007

I know. I KNOW. I was supposed to be back forever ago, and I reconciled with the internet and we made out and everything was just all fucking peachy over there two weeks ago, but since then, I have had the entire world of law rear up and kick me in the ass, and the whole thing kept on getting worse and worse, until finally last night I finished everything I had to do, and drove myself home, at 5 in the morning. Seriously. Please imagine this, because I worked alone, at my desk, until 4:30 in the a.m., which is one of those "dark" times. And which is also just wrong, but additionally scary as all hell, and at one point, I even called security, because I became convinced that I was about to be murdered. Because I kept on hearing these huge banging noises, when I was supposed to be all alone in the building, and that's...not normal, really, but guess what. It was not a murderer! Instead, a crew was there, fixing the elevator, and through a miracle of physics and what-all, it was echoing in my office. It was all a load of fun and terror, and before I learned this helpful bit of information, it is possible that I armed myself with scissors and a stapler, and roamed the office all Mission-Impossible-ing around the corners, scared out of my fucking mind. And totally prepared to prod and collate someone to death. Because you NEVER KNOW. KILLERS FEAR STAPLERS. I believe.

AND. You would think that maybe then I would get to sleep late or something the next day, what with the working until dawn, which is kind of what I thought, anyway, except that would be wrong, because I had clients calling my cell -- not my office, mind you; they were calling my cell phone, which is supposed to be used only for drunk dialing and drug deals -- at seven this morning. SO NO I HAVEN'T SLEPT. For the THIRD DAY IN A ROW. And, seeing as I am catching a 7 a.m. flight to Denver tomorrow morning, which means I need to leave the house in...right, FIVE HOURS, and I am not yet packed, and have I mentioned that the high temperature in Denver this weekend is thirty-eight degrees, there is not a lot of sleeping in my future. Send coffee! And a sherpa! And...cookies! I would kind of like a cookie.

That is neither here nor there, but I'm just tossing it out into the universe. Cookies, you should come to me. And you should have a minimum of nuts. The end.

But, anyway. Breathe! Y'all, I don't even remember what sleep feels like. Probably better than I smell. Sometimes, I wish I'd decided to be something that is not a lawyer. Like a ballerina, or a crack whore. I bet the hours are better.

AND SO, because I can't just sit here and daydream about an alternate life in which I was never given a WESTLAW password, now I have to go pack. And, all this crap leads to a bullshit entry, yeah, but I don't want everyone thinking I ran off to the hills with, I don't know. Heath Ledger and a cream pie. Because if that were to happen, I'd at least post some pictures. For history and stuff. Believe me, if something good were to happen, YOU WOULD HEAR ABOUT IT. I don't even like complaining! I mean, yes, I know I am naturally gifted and all, but still. I would rather say a happy story, with cocktails. All this work makes me a dull, dull boy.

But, there is some kind of break ahead, maybe. I'm going to Denver, where Dukay and I will then drive to Vail for the most-difficult-to-attend wedding in recent memory. And also the coldest, and I spent this entire afternoon driving around a humid Atlanta in a tank top, trying to find somewhere that sells a fucking winter coat. Turns out that you can get a winter coat in two places: Saks, where it will cost you fifteen thousand dollars, plus you have to club a seal in the dressing room, or Burlington Coat Factory, which is one thousand miles away from my house, and which -- despite its claims of factory-ism -- possessed a grand total of ZERO coats in my size. That was fun ALSO.

Sigh. I found a coat, eventually, and so maybe I will not freeze slap to death, but we will see. I will try to take pictures of the carnage and goosebumps, and I'll be back next week with the conclusion of my CRAP spectacular. And maybe somewhere in there, I'll even take a nap. Because frankly, I think that might be better for everyone involved.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


Miss Doxie! I live in Denver! it was 84 degrees here today. Shit you not. Have a great time here and hope you can sleep on the plane.

Welcome to Denver...We Love Miss Doxie!

Posted by: Kath | October 5, 2007 12:15 AM


The weather channel lied to me. Dukay might have to bring me its head on a platter.

Posted by: miss doxie | October 5, 2007 12:19 AM

Snif...so so sorry..especially after the day(s) you've had. I'm sure it is a lovely coat and if you stand around outside at night in Vail it will come in handy. Maybe.

We do have bitchen-ass cookies here tho! Get thee to the Paradise Bakery in Cherry Creek in Denver (on 2nd Street) and the cookie happiness you will feel will make it all worthwhile.

Posted by: Kath | October 5, 2007 12:24 AM

I too am in Denver, and yes, its warm. However, if you're going to Vail, it might be a different story (funny, my husband came back from Atlanta tonight and he was still sweaty). I heard on the oh-so-reliable news that its supposed to get colder this weekend, 50s-60s on Sunday. Which means it will be much colder in Vail. So what am I sayin'? You'll probably be thankful for working so hard to find that coat.

As a side note, who gets married in October in Vail? Its not summer and warm, it's cold yet there's no skiing? What up with that? Ooooh, but the Aspen leaves changing, that might be why....I kid. You'll have a lovely time. Enjoy and stay warm!

(I love your blog)

Posted by: Jenn | October 5, 2007 12:31 AM

See, now my coat wants cookies. So this is probably going to end up okay.

I can't believe you are not freezing your ass off. They said snow! SNOW. Do you know what that means to a person like me? Who has lived in Atlanta for 20 years? It means "time to stockpile vodka." And, buy coats.

I am now packing short sleeved shirts, and I thank you for the inside information. Fucking weather channel.

Posted by: miss doxie | October 5, 2007 12:32 AM

Wait, Jenn, Vail is colder than Denver? You crazy Northerners, with your weather! Here, we are like, "Today it is hot in Atlanta. Thus, it is also hot all the way to Texas. Wear flip flops and deodorant."

I'm packing short-sleeves, but I'm-a-bringin' my coat. It has a black belt, just like a master of KARATE.

Also, the weather channel just decided to strike back, because, hi, rainstorm! You'll be handy for flight times.

Posted by: miss doxie | October 5, 2007 12:36 AM

Forking cold weather. At least Colorado is pretty, what with the mountains and all. Here in Indiana it gets cold and remains flat. Traveling mercies upon ya, sister.

Posted by: Aunt Tasty | October 5, 2007 12:41 AM

I live just south of Denver and actually had to check weather.com to see if your tales of 38 degrees were true. Because they terrified me. And even though it was indeed 80 today, I still knew your tale might be true, because Colorado is known for being a huge old bitch this time of year and treating us to warm-and-sunny one day followed by absolute-blizzard the next day. (Or you could take that last sentence and replace "day" with "hour," and that would be true, too.) And for that reason, this is absolutely my least favorite time of year ever. But! The forecast for denver this weekend is in the 70s. Vail is looking more like 40s-ish (higher altitude in the mountains = colder air), so maybe that is the information Dukay told you?

Have a great time while you're here!

Posted by: Audrey | October 5, 2007 01:14 AM

I am from Denver, and my friend still lives there, and yes, it's been in the 80s, but is totally supposed to be in the 40s by the weekend. So that coat? Money well spent!

Have fun in the Rockies!

Posted by: Kate | October 5, 2007 01:17 AM

One good thing...among many...about Denver & CO in general? LOW humidity. Yay us!

Hope you are all packed and cuddling up with Bo by now, fast asleep :-)

Posted by: Kath | October 5, 2007 01:18 AM

I just checked weather.com, and it looks like the snowstorm is now cancelled. Now there are just snow showers on Saturday and Sunday. So I guess I won't die. But, will still be able to wear my coat, as my teeth start chattering (literally) as soon as the tempterature drops below 70. I am not made for hard living, people. I am made for naps.

But, hi! Jenn! I am not asleep! Ever! Right now, I am dealing with the fact that I can never remember what I am supposed to do with my liquid carry-ons. There is a zip-loc bag involved, but I think the regulations say I am supposed to stuff the whole thing up my ass. Or something. Is that right?

Incidentally: I HATE TRAVEL. There, I said it. That's right. I like other places, but I really hate getting there. I would like to teleport.

Posted by: miss doxie | October 5, 2007 01:51 AM

I was hoping I could teleport for my trip this weekend as well! Firefox spell checker doesn't think teleport is a word. Boo. Add to dictionary, SUCKAS!
Uh, I'm sorry, what? Have an excellent wedding trip! I have a friend who is getting married in January in Saskatoon. And yeah, it's just as bad as it sounds. Effin Saskatoon.

Posted by: Heather | October 5, 2007 02:11 AM

did you know that yesterday was delurking day? and that even though you didn't ask me to, i'm going to delurk for you anyway? joy!

i love the happy cocktail-y doxie, but you know, everyone needs to complain sometimes. and you still do it with such personality that i honestly don't mind. have fun in denver. and please sleep!


Posted by: courtney | October 5, 2007 02:28 AM

Please don't go acting up in airports over lip gloss vs. lip stick and end up choking yourself on your own handcuffs should things get out of hand.

Just blame it on the weather and ride that wave out.

Posted by: Tip | October 5, 2007 03:24 AM

Houston chick (for a while and at heart) voting. 60 degrees is about as cold as it can get without shutting the city down. So thoughts of 40's are making me shiver.

Glad to hear you actually found a coat. I haven't seen any in the stores yet. But then again, I am spending similar hours at my personal Big Lawyers, Inc.

Posted by: Fianna | October 5, 2007 07:53 AM

I just had the maddening experience of traveling, and got yelled at by a security guard.
Apparently you can only have 3oz of liquid in your carry-on and you need to put all of it in a ziplock bag, and then, ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? You need to take the ziplock bag OUT of the carry-on when you go through security.
Because, you know, death by lip gloss.

Posted by: Danielle | October 5, 2007 08:25 AM

I really wish I had an excuse to wear a coat. This extended summer is making me grumpy.

Posted by: Maggie | October 5, 2007 08:35 AM

Nothing special... just sending you a Double Chocolate Chip Macadamia Cookie (and one for your coat).

Posted by: Justin | October 5, 2007 08:42 AM

Miss Doxie!

I don't think you need to apologize for not updating in a while. We understand! Really we do. Your life is often insane, and that's not your fault, except I guess kind of it is because you went to law school all on your own, but a lot of people do that. It's an understandable mistake.

I um. I hope you can sleep soon!

Posted by: Cameron | October 5, 2007 08:47 AM

I, too, wish I could teleport instead of ever having to set foot inside another airport. I used to love flying, but that was before I turned old and all of my irrational fears fully matured. I don't let this stop me from traveling, but just setting foot inside an airport? Makes me have to poo.

Also: DAMN! Traveling all the way to Vail for a wedding? The favors had better be Heath Ledger and cream pies.

Posted by: jive turkey | October 5, 2007 09:05 AM

Sleep on the plane! And demand they bring you a cookie!

I've had those late night (okay evenings) where I've been alone in my law office. The stapler is definitely the preferred weapon of choice.

Posted by: Andrea | October 5, 2007 09:13 AM

That made me tired.

I really hope you get some sleep. Although your sleep-deprived posts are pretty damn funny!

Posted by: Kristabella | October 5, 2007 09:44 AM

Be grateful you found your coat in Hot-lanta rather than in Colorado. You'd have to mortgage Bo to get a coat in Vail! Say "hi" to all the celebrities for us Denver-ites.

Posted by: Beulah | October 5, 2007 10:20 AM

I'll jump on the "I'm from Denver!" train, too. See, you've got a fanbase nationwide!

Vail will be very chilly this weekend, you will definitely need your coat. The black belt is a good idea, too, for all the snowboarder dudes who are sitting around hitting on any female that walks by while waiting for the damn snow to fall, already.

Posted by: Cat | October 5, 2007 11:18 AM

Oh gosh. I'm a 1L at University of Houston. Not looking forward to having your hours in the future. And I thought only getting a few hours of sleep was bad...

Posted by: Mary | October 5, 2007 11:25 AM

If I ever tell myself again, "I should have gone to law school," I'll just refer back to this post. Sleep and I need a healthy, see-each-other-on-a-regular-basis relationship or I go all crazy psycho gonna fly across the country in my astronaut suit and adult diaper.

You're such a strong gal.

Posted by: dee | October 5, 2007 12:07 PM

I'm going to take a shower, and get dressed right now specifically to go buy a cookie. It's your fault. You're funny when you’re sleep deprived! I can’t wait to hear what Bo will do to retaliate for the abandonment.

Posted by: Linda | October 5, 2007 12:12 PM

Criminey jeepers! Never give a client your cell phone number, because they will call it. I once had to take a call from a client while I WAS IN LABOR with one of my kids. Enjoy Colorado, although beware: those high altitudes make the booze hit you harder.

Posted by: Gretchen | October 5, 2007 12:37 PM

You're hilarious--you know that?! Have fun at the wedding, sleep on the plane, eat cookies, and drink lots of wine at the wedding.

Don't worry about us--we'll be fiiiinnnnee.

Posted by: shaxgirl | October 5, 2007 01:15 PM

Okay, here is the consolation prize. While everyone else will be standing outside shivering and waiting for the bride and groom to make their mad dash through the hail of birdseed just keep this in mind. She will appear in her not suitable for cold weather wedding dress,(you know she ain't puttin' a coat on over it); and you can smile and think to yourself- Who picked Vail in October Biatch?!

Posted by: mommamack | October 5, 2007 03:34 PM

I have done that in the office by yourself, mission impossible prowling, only I was armed with a pen. I was not smart enough to think of a stapler. Luckily I was not called upon to use it in an effective and deadly manner, but I think, really, I could have done some serious damage.

I really hope that you get some sleep soon and that the sleep does not involve Westlaw in any capacity, unless you are using it to stalk celebrities, which I highly recommend.

Posted by: JLR | October 5, 2007 04:15 PM

Yeah, I have to chime in on that one -- I have TOTALLY stalked celebrities with Westlaw.

Posted by: Gretchen | October 5, 2007 04:29 PM

Your stories about your work hours are really starting to scare me. I'm a 3L, and I'm going to have to start working scary hours in a year! Of course, I am going into public interest law, so that may mean while I'll be poor and in debt forever, I might get more sleep.

I've been lurking on your blog for a few years. I love it. I wish I had learned about the wonders of asshole bingo in the beginning of my 1L year. Also happy travels, and I can't wait to see more CRAP pictures.

Posted by: Rebecca | October 5, 2007 05:10 PM

I live in the Phoenix area, where it is right now 92 degrees--nobody here has owned a coat since the last Ice Age. Which does not stop Nordstrom's et al from yanking the sandals and white pants from the displays at 12:01 AM on July 5th and substituting boots and parkas. Which no one buys unless they are going to a wedding in Colorado I suppose.
And watch out for those TSA weirdos at the airport; me, I'd rather travel by pack mule than have anything to do with FUBAR airlines. Happy trails!

Posted by: Sharon | October 5, 2007 05:34 PM

Why don't you just write a bunch of funny, best selling books so then you can travel all over the place and afford $15,000 coats with fancy purses to go with them? Then you wouldn't have to work until five in the morning and get scared.

Posted by: Wide Lawns | October 5, 2007 05:53 PM

Doxie, as one who personally worked at BigHeadsandBiggerAHoles law firm on Easter Sunday (!) to get out a brief, I'm tellin ya - quit that shit! Now! While you still have your youth and your mind. They do not appreciate it. Repeat - They do not appreciate it! Even if your dear daddy is one of Them, I assure you if you died at your desk, they would put you in a trash bag on the curb and slide someone else into your chair. Been there. Know that.

Posted by: daffythedachshund | October 5, 2007 07:41 PM

ROFL about the collating someone to death! You have my sympathies working till 5 a.m. I know I have not done that! Can't you at least work from home when you pull an all-nighter? Probably not...probably need all those files you have at the office...

I hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding!

Posted by: Mauigirl | October 5, 2007 11:38 PM

Oh Colorado! The weather is bound to change about three more times before you get there. And at least twice while you're there! It's great though, I hope you have a fabulous time.

Posted by: Jessica | October 6, 2007 01:10 AM

Upon reading this entry, I just realized that we are fellow Atlantians so uhhhhhhhhhhh hi=) If you actually go down to the more southern metro part of our lovely city a little bit below the airport, you'll find Marshall's, Ross', TJ Maxx, Value City etc where they are selling a pretty good amount of cute coats at the moment.

Oh, Bonzai (my dox) wants to say hi to Bo... "hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Bo, I enjoyed the most recent pic that your Mommy posted up of you. You are someone that I wish to aspire to. Would you like a play date one of these days? I might growl at you for a little while for like maybe 20 mins but I am in desperate need for my friends. I am very antisocial and the closest friends that I have live in FL and I don't get to see them very often. Plus, they're not like us... low to the ground and waddle. They are both Italian Greyhounds who look at me as if I am from another planet and they run and jump too much for my liking... So ummm hi and keep on raising hell like us doggies like to do best"

Posted by: Angela | October 6, 2007 10:25 AM

AAAAA! AAAAA! Miss Doxie is going to be in my state this weekend! (Apparently, 90% of your readers are ALSO from Colorado, so I'm not really all that special, but...) Do you know how most people want to meet their favorite celebrity? Like all casual on a plane or something? Well, all *I* want is to meet my favorite blog writers...
In a completely unrelated topic, please pay no attention to the curly-headed freak lurking around DIA attempting to nonchalantly strike up a conversation with you on your way home. Ahem.

Posted by: parp! | October 6, 2007 08:32 PM

I'm old enough to be your daddy so listen up. The Firm does not care or appreciate that you will work until 4:30 AM. If you left today, the Firm would shrug its virtual shoulders, curse about having to do the recruiting to replace you and put all those files on someone else's desk.

So, unless you're doing it because you love it (labor law? come on.), stop doing it. If the Firm has a problem with your being unwilling to work alone in an empty office until dawn, then you should ask yourself, "What has the Firm done for me, that I should be willing to do this?"

Enough assvice - you're way too funny to be making your living that way anyhow. Write the book - or do stand-up. Something tells me you would be dynamite on stage.

Posted by: Matt | October 6, 2007 10:39 PM

Hi Miss Doxie!

Kath here from Denver. Just drove back from Boulder (where I was watching the Rockies game and we WON!) and yes, it was cold as I walked out to my truck. And the very first thought I had was ' gee, her coat WILL come in handy'.

My second thought was 'wow, there are 5 deer standing in the field 10 feet in front of me, staring at me'. Wonder how Bo would react if he had 5 deer (bucks actually) staring at thim?

Boulder/Denver...gotta love it. Hope you had a great time in our lovely hot and cold state :-)

Posted by: Kath | October 7, 2007 02:23 AM

Re: Cookies--www.dancingdeer.com

When you gain twenty pounds, it is not my fault. I highly recommend the chocolate tangerine or, well, any of them.

Posted by: Katie | October 7, 2007 07:30 PM

I would be very afraid of some wild eyed sleepy girl armed with a stapler.

Funny; even you're rambling.
Quit law and start writing.
Take a chance while you are young.
Don't look back one day with regret.

....Unless.... you actually like working around the clock, in that case, rock on Miss Doxie!!

Posted by: Jane | October 7, 2007 08:37 PM

Miss Doxie, doesn't your law firm have a sleep room? It's for sleeping, even if only for an hour before the partners show up in the morning.

When I was a summer associate at the law firm I eventually ended up at after law school I thought, "Wow! That's so generous to provide a nice room to relax in during the day when one wants to recharge." It was only after I worked there for reals that I learned it was for those poor souls who were pulling all-nighters. I'm sorry for you.

But at least you get to go to a wedding! I missed every wedding I was either in or invited to during my days at the big law firm. All because I was WORKING.

Posted by: dgm | October 7, 2007 08:54 PM

I hope that right now you are home from Denver/Vail and that it wasn't too cold and that the wedding was worth the trip and that you got cookies and, most importantly, that you are sleeping in your own bed!

Sounds like you've had a rough couple of weeks...I really hope it gets better soon and you can, you know, sleep.

Posted by: Kathleen | October 8, 2007 12:51 AM

Ugh. That makes me tired and cranky just thinking about it. I hope the Vail trip ends up being relaxing and you come back ready to share more CRAP with us, because CRAP is turning out to be loads and loads of fun.

Posted by: superblondgirl | October 8, 2007 08:17 AM

So, at what point exactly do you get a shot at making partner? Cuz that is the point of putting in all the all-nighters you've been subjected to over the last couple of years, right? I think you deserve it. And once you make partner, then you get to make your very own associates pull all-nighters while you... I dunno, play golf?

Posted by: Susan D. | October 8, 2007 09:09 AM

I hope you had a marvelous time in Colorado, that there was much wine and champagne to be had at the wedding, and that you will soon be tucking yourself and Bo into bed...oh, wait. He does that himself!

You need a different career. You were made to write and be crafty. Forget this lawyerly stuff and get crackin' on the childrens books, the Doxie products, and the Miss Doxie magazine/TV show!

Posted by: Leesavee | October 8, 2007 08:12 PM

One thing nice about Vail is that it's easy to find ice for your drinks! Did that help? Hope so. Look at the bright side - I got to MOVE last weekend!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | October 9, 2007 12:19 PM

So....what you're saying.....if I am to correctly wade through all that personal disclosure...

....you don't like nuts?

Posted by: David | October 9, 2007 06:08 PM

Oh girl.. if that's a crap post, then I have some serious work to do on my blog. I wish I had one percent of the crap talent of funny you have. And to think you'll be so close to Washington but yet still so far away.. oh well. Your fans will wish we could greet you at the airport and then we'd all probably scare you and be hauled off to charges of stalkering or something, but please don't take it the wrong way. We love you as usual. Crabby and lacking sleep or no.. but do get some sleep girl! Safe travels! And pack chapstick in your purse and your lipgloss in your checked. Do you really want to get into an argument w/ security? If so, make sure Dukay takes pictues! ;)

Posted by: Angel | October 10, 2007 03:25 PM

You Colorado-ers, Atlanta-ers and Denver-ites don't know what cold is! Come to a Canadian Province during winter! The weather you're describing as cold, is like our fall - pleasant, cool, great sleeping with the windows open weather. Buck up!
Love your blog though!! It makes my day complete just reading it!!

Posted by: Theo | October 10, 2007 03:51 PM

Who takes care of your puppies when you work so late and travel. Just making sure that, well maybe Bo should come live with me if he not getting enuf attention. I have foxy doxy Ali here to keep him company. Also it is still warm in Scottsdale. 98 today I believe. Flowers being planted for winter. Come on Bo, take a look.

Take care, fly right!!

Posted by: MH | October 10, 2007 05:15 PM

I am trying so hard not to giggle at your obvious distress... but you just make it so damn funny! And look on the bright side on the whole coat/warm weather thing... Vail is about 8,000 feet higher elevation than Denver - it's bound to be colder there. Hopefully.

Love your blog

Posted by: heidikins | October 10, 2007 10:22 PM

Oh, Miss Doxie, I loves you!! Don't do those all-nighters anymore--only we appreciate them, as fodder for blogging! If you become a famous author/stand-up artist, you can HAVE someone buy you a fabulous coat!

Also, Heath Ledger and a creme pie? I'm getting visions....but couldn't we make it Jake Gyllenhall? I'm a little brokeback that way...

; )

Posted by: Greg | October 11, 2007 06:45 PM

I just moved from DC to New Orleans. I took a plane while my stuff was shipped via land.

Therefore I had to find some way of transporting my pet fish, Boudreaux Etouffee.

To make a VERY long story..I couldn't get TSA on the phone or my airline, so I carried him on. Got screamed at for 45 minutes(while being videotaped..hopefully not on a TSA instructional video on how to harrass fish carriers and make them cry), had offers to "take the fish off my hand and give it to a TSA screeners children," fit my poor fish in a ziplock only to get screamed at some more with "NO WATER AT ALL!," and then they finally tested the fish's water for biohazards before finally letting me through.

So don't take any terrorist fish on a plane. Just a warning. They know that scam.

Posted by: Circe | October 12, 2007 03:07 AM

Miss Doxie- where are you? It has been too long since you have posted. Please come back!

Posted by: Kelly | November 6, 2007 12:41 PM

I think maybe she's gone.
I have a house full of dachshunds and a fucked up life...Maybe I should continue the blog

Posted by: Mokee | November 8, 2007 02:33 PM

Dox, my tears, let me show you them. Come back! *whimper*

Posted by: 2dawgs | November 21, 2007 10:34 PM

Um. Are you alive? Are you okay? Do you need help? Where are you?

Posted by: ollka | November 25, 2007 09:56 AM

Miss Doxie...Miss Doxie....where are you?????

Posted by: Toni | November 30, 2007 01:35 PM

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