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Day Two: Coordinated Attack

September 12, 2007

Oh, y’all. Things are about to get all revealing and ugly up in here, because we are entering the prime CRAP territory of Junior High. And Junior High was just an unfortunate time for me. And it shows. You may want to take an antibiotic or something before we get into this. Or, you could pry out your eyeballs with a screwdriver. Whichever you prefer.

Tomorrow will really be something to behold, and I have actually found a picture that is so bad, and so painful, that I am almost too embarrassed to show it to myself, much less all of you nice people. It is so atrocious that I might take it out of rotation and save it for the very end, as sort of a Finale of Fugly, and we will all collectively recoil in horror and then NEVER SPEAK OF IT EVER AGAIN. Seriously. Ever. Not even by accident.

RANDOM BO STORY INTERJECTION

Before I get into that, though, I mentioned Bo’s new sleeping protocols the other day, and I figured I’d real quick write about them, so y’all who come here just for dog stories and not for pictures of breathtakingly frightening preteens will have something to enjoy. For those poor people, this whole reconstruction is very “bait and switch” of me. Come for the promise of dog stories; get whacked over the head by acid wash. Thanks for visiting, and have a good damn day!

But anyway. Bo. So, as we all know, I sleep with the dogs, in a platonic but tangle-y way, in which they take up the majority of the bed and I sometimes sleep on a chair. But before we all go to bed every night, we all head to the back yard, because I kind of prefer it when they pee outside of the house and not, say, on the pillow that is cradling my head. I mean, personal preference and all, but I’ve tried it both ways, and the “outside” way involves far less laundry and screaming.

So, out they go, and they do their very important sniffing work until the Place Where We Shall Pee is finally discovered. And thus begins the relay of three dogs who stubbornly insist on peeing on the exact same square inch of yard, because GOD FORBID one of them should pee anywhere else, NO. This all takes time, and first Bo will pee, and then Pugsley pees on the place where Bo peed, and then Gimmme has to pee on the pee of both of them, and then Bo comes back to top off, and then Pugsley runs back and tops off, and then Gimmme comes back and tops off, and then Gimmme tries to hide the whole mess by back-kicking leaves or pinestraw or whatever the hell over the evening toilet, but Bo is not having it, so he comes BACK to re-pee and so on etcetera ad nauseum, while whomever is out there watching them is hollering, “YOU HAVE A WHOLE YARD THOUGH” while wildly gesturing at the remaining, unpeed-upon acre of grass that surrounds their annointed spot. Finally, Bo gets sick of it all and runs back in, and everyone else follows, and the pissing contest mercifully comes to a really stupid end.

SO. In we go, and up to bed we go, and under the covers they dive, and everyone goes to sleep. At least, everyone used to go to sleep at this point, but then, about a month ago, I started them all on a new diet, because I heard somewhere that dachshunds are not supposed to be perfectly spherical. And when the diet began, the normal sleeping protocols ended. Now, under the covers they dive, and then Bo stews there for a minute or two before popping back out, bolting off of the bed and across the room, pressing his nose under the bedroom door, and whining with the cross-legged, hysterical urgency of someone whose bladder is about to explode.

Seeing as I am a proponent of not peeing on the bed (yay!), I open the door, and Bo scrambles downstairs as fast as his stubby little legs will go, in the direction of the yard. And I follow behind, all, “BUT THE PISSING CONTEST IS OVER YOU WON I THINK,” double-timing it before we have some sort of intestinal event on the nice flooring. Only now, I arrive at the back door and discover…not Bo. No. Bo is not at the back door. And this is when I hear an odd moaning sound coming from the other side of the kitchen, and so I turn around, and there is Bo, lying flat on his belly in front of the refrigerator, prostrate to his shiny silver idol, and groaning like he might just DIE.

And, you can’t move him. If you tell him to come here, dammit, I thought you were about to burst, and no we are NOT having a snack, because you weigh as much as a Volkswagen? That will not work. He won’t even look at you. If you clap your hands and say, “Maybe there is a quiche upstairs, in the bed, that I forgot about! Let’s look together!”, he does not take the bait. And if you try to bend over and pick him up, he lets out the most baleful, miserable moan you have ever heard in your life, because BO IS STARVE, and BO DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE FOOD BOX. Food Box is only hope of Bo.

In reality, of course, BO IS LIE. In fact, BO IS NOT LOSE ANY WEIGHT AT ALL SINCE DIET START. But he’ll never tell you that, and in the meantime, he’s got me on the horns of a short, brown dilemma, because…I mean, I can’t just do nothing when he goes into spasms of MUSTPEEMUSTPEEMUSTPEE and is all whining like a furry banshee. Y’all know Bo. The one time I ignore him will be the one time he has explosive diarrhea someplace inconvenient and novel, like in my hair. And so, every night, I continue to let him out, and he continues to make a beeline for the refrigerator, and I continue to wonder how it is that I so often get outsmarted by a creature who regularly eats his own poop. And that is why I drink, the end.

AND NOW BACK TO OUR PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED CRAP

So, to shift focus entirely, now I am moving on to Day 2, which is about the time I started Junior High. Apparently, the start of sixth grade corresponded perfectly with my decision to dress only according to the principle of Things That Match A Whole Lot. I mean, A Whooooooooole Lot. Not-Even-Kidding-You-A Lot.

Normally, dressing so that your clothing matches is considered a positive attribute, but there gets to be a point where one can take things too far. And here I am thinking of that time that Britney (back when she was not yet batshit insane) showed up with Justin Timberlake at some awards show, and I don’t really remember anything else about that except that (a) she was not yet batshit insane; (b) we were all living in a blissful and innocent time when we had never heard of someone called K-Fed or his armor-piercing sperm, and (c) BRITNEY AND JUSTIN WERE WEARING MATCHING DENIM FORMALWEAR. I could probably find what I’m talking about on Google, but I have already subjected us all to so much fashion-related pain these last few days, and Britney is kind of having a shitty week anyway, that I am not going to kick any of us when we are down. Instead, I am just going to say that matching denim formalwear is an example of going overboard, and that it is very similar to what was apparently happening in a number of my own ensembles.

Like, you know. Here. Please note my socks, which may, in fact, be pulled up over my coordinating turquoise jeans (note also that "coordinating turquoise jeans" is a phrase that should never be uttered by anyone at any time):

matching.jpg
Bitch took my balloon.

And again here, where we can marvel at the red and yellow interplay going on all over my body, recognizing that this is a color combination usually (and wisely) reserved for condiments and fast food establishments:

i even match the dinosaur.jpg
A young Miss Doxie uses her chameleon powers to blend in with the underbelly of this dinosaur until all danger has passed.

Here I am, dressed like a geriatric and scaring the shit out of Phudge, long-suffering childhood pet who played a major role in the discovery that Cabbage Patch Kid clothes fit on dachshunds:

matchy again.jpg
Bright blue slacks and toucan sweatshirts: official uniform of grandmothers everywhere!

And finally, we have this, which would be an example of being matchy, what with the matching peach sweater and pants set (because, peach: the color that’s flattering on everyone!), but I have inexplicably paired these casual coordinates with a black leather motorcycle jacket, (because, peach: the color that goes so well with black leather!). Obviously, I am just a stack of tough, what with my little white handbag, side ponytail, and keds. I mean…what was that, Punky Brewster? You think you're punk? Uh, sorry, bitch, but I’m punk. I'll rip those little ponytails slap off your head. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME.

peach and black leather.jpg
My gang colors are blush and bashful!

…and, so it went, apparently. Leather ‘n lace, turquoise ‘n fuchsia, toucans ‘n stirrups. Unholy alliances all, making the mind boggle, the eyeballs weep, and the stomach churn. And explaining why I wear all black pretty much every day of my adult life, and also why everyone who knows me is under strict orders to feed me to a coordinated dinosaur if this particular trend ever recurs.

Y’all have a great evening, and I’ll be back tomorrow, when we will explore some really uncomfortable times in the history of my hair. Stay strong, and if you happen to have any turquoise pants lying around, please do the world a favor and keep them far, far away from me.

Posted by doxie in | permalink

75 Comments

Hee hee. Doxie, thank you for sharing. If it helps you feel any better, I thought I had a sexycool hairstyle for most of middle/high school and that was a MULLET. No excuses; I grew up in Joisey.

Posted by: Cara | September 12, 2007 07:02 PM

God! I used to dream about having the same clothes as Alyssa Milano on Who's The Boss and here you had them the whole time! Not fair!

Posted by: Procrastamom | September 12, 2007 07:17 PM

Bo is so special! Almost as special as your fashion choices, but I just don't know if any of us should be blamed for the 80s! Considering the times, you were relatively mild ;-) Also, still cute!

Posted by: Heather | September 12, 2007 07:18 PM

If I haven't said so already....I am sooo glad your back, you have such a way with words. Your gang colors were blush and bashful...love it, love it, love it. I can't wait to see tomorrows ensemble

Posted by: Amy | September 12, 2007 07:21 PM

I am sitting here wiping tears of laughter from my eyes after reading your Bo story. My dog is equally devious and she keeps training me to do new things. Such as, once I gave her a biscuit to come back outside on the deck, and ever since then her new thing is to bark to go inside, then bark until I give her a biscuit to go back outside. It took me a few times to understand the training but now I get it. And am desperately trying to un-train her. Or me.

Love your pictures, you were really a cute little kid, even if you did have interesting fashion statements. Didn't we all?

Posted by: Mauigirl | September 12, 2007 07:40 PM

Boy, I wish we could have Dukay's commentary on these fashions. Was he rolling on the floor with hysterical laughter and recoiling in fear, yelling, "MY EYES!!! MY EYES!!!!"

Posted by: shaxgirl | September 12, 2007 07:56 PM

And here I was thinking I was the only dog owner who waved my arms around for the final pee of the evening. LOL

Peach and leather? Hmmm. I have a biker jacket, but I've never considered wearing peach with it. No offense, but I think I'll stick with jeans and t-shirts to go with it, neither of which will be peach colored. LOL

Posted by: Stacy | September 12, 2007 08:23 PM

I second Procrastamom's comments. You looked like we ALL wanted to look in that era. Unfortunately for my social life, I did not. In fact the clothes I wore then would be much closer to fashionable... NOW. Ouch.

Posted by: Rachel | September 12, 2007 08:29 PM

I missed the Bo stories soooo much! And hey - at least you didn't have a neon fetish around that time period. Every picture I have of me includes several patterns (different for shorts and shirt .. because that just worked, people) including the colors of: hot pink, neon green and bright yellow.

Posted by: Lydia | September 12, 2007 08:42 PM

I laughed so hard at the geriatric outfit! I think there are Grandmother's everywhere looking for their Toucan sweatshirt.

Oh, and Britney and Justin photo in matching denim pre-batshitness is here: http://www.seenon.com/blog/uploads/spearstimberlakeatama.jpg

Posted by: Pocklock | September 12, 2007 09:20 PM

Huh, I wear black pretty much everyday because I learnt it was "slimming".

Oh girl, you didn't have Ditto's. I long for the days of Ditto's pants. Think ROCKIES JEANS IN THE 70's. *shudders*

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | September 12, 2007 09:24 PM

Your reference to Steel Magnolia's was brilliant! Thanks again for the joy. Can't wait for tomorrow

Posted by: Kateastrophe | September 12, 2007 09:30 PM

Doxie, honey, I only wish I had a photo of myself in my teal green sweatshirt, denim skirt and teal green tights. Yes, that's right, I had teal green tights that matched my sweatshirt. I, too, was a matchy-match girl.

I even did the two pairs of socks with the pastel high-top sneakers. Because, wearing two pairs of socks gives you twice the clothes-matching ability! (In addition to sweaty, smelly feet.)

Hey, we lived in the South, in the 80's! That is my excuse, and I'm sticking with it.

Posted by: Amy | September 12, 2007 09:33 PM

Yay! You're back! Hi! I also wore acid wash and socks pulled up over the bottoms of my jeans and dreadful sweaters and all that crap, except that I WAS IN MY TWENTIES AND SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

I'm glad your website is all better. My favorite way of wasting time at work!

Posted by: Gretchen | September 12, 2007 09:39 PM

Three words describe my wardrobe experience in the 80's: Puff Paint Tshirts. I loved me some puff paint. In my favorite colors of course; purple, turquoise (what is it with that color?) and hot pink.

Soooo good to have you back Doxie. The Austin, TX girls were really worried about you and the family. I raise my very full glass of red wine in a toast to your return and Dad's good health!

Posted by: Neely | September 12, 2007 09:41 PM

I love you, your dog stories and all your crazy clothes. You're a bit younger than me but I also had the same crazy outfits and hair. Complete with blue eyeshadow and green mascara.

Posted by: Elizabeth K | September 12, 2007 09:44 PM

awesome. I love the side ponytail. My mom was out of town the week we took school pictures in 6th grade (in which I also want to add I am smiling a small half smile with no teeth showing aka SERIAL KILLER SMILE), and I decided to be Oh So Cool and give myself a side ponytail instead of my regular ponytail for the pictures. And also to wear a big white sweatshirt with a PINK AND TURQUOISE CAT ON IT. AND THEN.

I adorned my side ponytail with one of those bows-on-a-huge-hairclip. A bow made of... SHOELACES.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! AUUUGH AUUUUUGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then everyone who looked at it died. The end.

heh. poor Bo. His imminent starvation is a tragedy from which the world will never recover. Maybe you should put some bad fashion photos on the fridge door so he won't be able to eat. I'd be happy to send you my side-ponytail one...

Posted by: McKate | September 12, 2007 09:45 PM

I swear I owned that exacat same outfit in the last picture only my shirt had paisleys on it-- i know you are seriously jealous.

Posted by: dcfullest | September 12, 2007 09:58 PM

MD - you're totally hot and all, so don't take this the wrong way, but I think the whole rainbow attire thing must have been what attracted so many gay men to you.

Posted by: Brian | September 12, 2007 10:01 PM

You were not alone. I think I have these exact same photos of myself, albeit with more ugly and less blond.

I cringe when I see what the preteens are wearing so proudly now (Giant white sunglasses! Dresses over pants!) because I know they will one day HATE their photos from today. Fashion really is a bitch. I'm with you on the all black thing.

Posted by: Katie (The Yap) | September 12, 2007 10:02 PM

Oh. P.S. Do you ever think that your doggies might just have piss crumbs all on their feet after their nightly ritual? That might possibly get in your hair? Not as bad as diarrhea, but still....ew. Just sayin'...

Posted by: Katie (The Yap) | September 12, 2007 10:03 PM

Oh Miss Doxie, we've missed you! These posts have been great and it's so good to have you back!

Posted by: Tiffany | September 12, 2007 10:07 PM

LOVED the Steel Magnolias reference -- made me laugh out loud while I was supposed to be paying attention to something much more serious!

And pity the poor Phudge! He didn't suffer from back problems did he?

Posted by: Erica | September 12, 2007 10:15 PM

You were a young fashion maven. Seriously. Some of those looks should definitely come back into style. I love the turquoise most of all.

And I almost peed, myself, reading about Bo. Hee-larious. He has you whipped.

Posted by: superblondgirl | September 12, 2007 10:17 PM

Oh, Doxie! The fashion show was a lovely trip down my memory lane of HIGH SCHOOL (eesh, I'm old!) and the Bo story made me spit chocolate milk all over my monitor. You're back in fine style, girlfriend.

Posted by: Melissa O in NYC | September 12, 2007 10:25 PM

Oh, the Pee Wars. I know them well. Whenever we visit my parents, their dog (Tasha) and my dog (Ben) have many a pee war. My parents have a good laugh over sending the dogs out to, as they so cleverly put it, "check their pee-mail."

The worst part is that sometimes Ben gets too impatient about covering up Tasha's pee and goes ahead and pees right on her as she's peeing. It's a wet, urine-y disaster.

Posted by: Audrey | September 12, 2007 10:37 PM

So glad to have you back. I, too, was a victing of matchy-matchy 80's bangs, socks over your pants fashion. I'm not quite sure if I'm brave enough to pull out those pictures though. They're better left hidden in a box in an undisclosed location.

Posted by: Andy | September 12, 2007 10:49 PM

Firstly, think about getting a DOGGIE DOOR. I can't imagine life with a dog without one.

Secondly, Phudge is totally giving that toucan the stink-eye. I would venture to say he's a little embarrassed to be seen with it. But you and Ziz are adorable! Turquoise was sort of your signature color for awhile, huh?

Posted by: catherino | September 12, 2007 10:56 PM

No, No...my sister wins the "Most awkward bad pre-teen pictures award" what with the general awkwardness and the unfortunate fashion choices. She was about 2 years ahead of you in Atlanta-Hellish pre-teen land.

What with the braces, rubber-bands to correct her overbite, neon patterned everything, 10 inches cut off her naturally straight hair and permed feathered hair..it was truly unfortunate.

Of course, I give you props for posting your photos online. My sister would come at me with a sharp kitchen utensil if I ever posted any of her images of misery.

Thankfully..being younger, I avoided the 80's had fashion choices..I was still cute enough to pull them off prior to awkwardness from Hell. Instead I have to just deal with the general bad "You are in 10th grade and haven't hit puberty yet" photos. Plus the see-through peter pan collared school uniform shirt which had they not been see-through I would not have needed a bra underneath did not help matters.

All I had to deal with during pre-teen years were the rolled-up multi-colored denim shorts(orange? teal? what's your flava?), tie-dyed "Aren't we peace-loving? shirts, and the fact that I fit into "Limited TOO" clothes until I was 16.

Posted by: Circe | September 13, 2007 01:57 AM

BTW: LOVE the Blushes and Bashful reference!

Posted by: Circe | September 13, 2007 02:02 AM

I, too, had turquoise pants. And I loved them. What's even more sad than your turquoise pants phase is that I wore them when I was 16. Damn you, 80s!

And, I'm SO glad you're writing again. I missed this place and how you can make everything funny.

Posted by: Serenity | September 13, 2007 03:31 AM

"My gang colors are blush and bashful"?! Most awesome sentence EVER.

Posted by: Ms. Kitten | September 13, 2007 08:05 AM

Haha! Poor Phudge. That is the look of a dog who spent too much time getting squeezed into miniature corduroy overalls.

I, too, had a love affair with the color peach and (Lord help me) a pair of teal green jeans.

I also specifically remember going to a bridal shop for my cousin's wedding in 1991, and seeing and entire set of PEACH AND BLACK BRIDESMAID'S DRESSES that someone had SPECIAL ORDERED for the blessed event. Yikes.

Posted by: jive turkey | September 13, 2007 08:37 AM

How much do I love: "BO IS STARVE, and BO DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE FOOD BOX. Food Box is only hope of Bo." I can relate except my starving child is a 150 Irish Wolfhound.

That is going to be in a my head all day. The matchy match is priceless. I remember trying to match my socks just so with my bright sweaters. It was tough but I did it.

I love this series by the way, it is WICKED AWESOME!

Posted by: Andrea | September 13, 2007 08:45 AM

At least you only had one pair of socks on. I did the "sock layer color same as shirt stripe color" thing in Jr high. I bought my sneakers a size too big to hold all the sockage. I am 34 so I was a few years ahead of you. Good times!

Posted by: Niki P. | September 13, 2007 09:04 AM

Dude, is that a Tiger Beat magazine in your hand in that last picture? :) Kidding! Glad you're back!

Posted by: Marriage-101 | September 13, 2007 09:31 AM

'My gang colors are blush and bashful!'

HOLY CRAP!! You have to make a t-shirt! That's the best laugh I've had all week. Awesome!

(So glad you're back!)

Posted by: Amity | September 13, 2007 09:34 AM

It wasn't just a toucan sweatshirt, M. Doxie. No. It was a toucan sweatshirt with its OWN TEAL RIBBONS hanging off it.

Posted by: June Cutoff Cash | September 13, 2007 10:49 AM

I'm so happy you're back--and with a stunning fashion show, too!

Posted by: Beulah | September 13, 2007 10:50 AM

I can one-up you on this. I had acid-washed turquoise jeans with zippers up the bank of the ankles, and BOWS at the top of the zippers. Bows, Doxie, do you you hear me?

My favoritest outfit ever was to wear those jeans with my turquoise turtleneck with the multi-colored hearts all over it, and my Keds. Oh, and scrunchy socks, of course (multiple pairs if I was feeling extra cool).

Posted by: Kathryn | September 13, 2007 10:52 AM

Oh, and I can also top the toucan sweatshirt with the ribbons dangling--I had a sweatshirt with dancing women on it, and their (vividly-colored and patterned) dresses were real fabric, coming off the sweatshirt. Their necklaces? Real strings of beads, hanging from my chest.

Sadly enough, my best friend had a very similar sweatshirt, and since she was a little bit bigger than me, I got hers when she grew out of it. In hers, the women wore cowboy boots.

Posted by: Kathryn | September 13, 2007 10:57 AM

The first day of ninth grade I wore -- and I kid you not -- peach colored pants (pinch rolled, natch), a black and white polka dot top with a white undershirt, white keds and 3 pairs of socks (3 pairs!) -- one white, one peach and one black! Oh, if I only had photos.

Posted by: Leandra | September 13, 2007 10:59 AM

Because I couldn't let the Britney+Justin horrible denim outfits reference go unvisualized:

http://www.seenon.com/blog/uploads/spearstimberlakeatama.jpg

Posted by: Erin | September 13, 2007 11:14 AM

Weeping with the laughing. "Blush and Bashful" will never not be funny. Neither will Bo's antics. I have two idiot cats, and the boy one sees no problem with strolling into the refrigerator all "What?" while snuggling the produce.

I want Doxie Daily Updates for-evah! ( and do not even get me started on my late-eighties outfits. Dear LORD.)

Posted by: missbanshee | September 13, 2007 11:20 AM

oh my LORD your sister looks like Christina from Mommie Dearest in that first photo. That is creepier than your awful outfit, my dear.

Posted by: beth | September 13, 2007 12:00 PM

Doxie, I had that same toucan sweatshirt as a kid. And it was my VERY favorite. It was the trailing ribbons that I really loved. I also had large, gaudy, toucan earrings to match. I had completely forgotten about those - thanks for bringing back such wonderful memories about my illustrious fashion history.

Posted by: Camille | September 13, 2007 12:41 PM

Welcome back Dox

Besides laughing at your Bo "I got to pee" fake out story, I was struck by two serious thoughts looking at your pics. Forst, if I were a Jr. High male peer, I'd still be in love with your seventh grade self. Second, was Zis always so perpetually damn happy?
Please, for the sake of karma, please say she can be a morose shrew once she grew up

Posted by: #6 | September 13, 2007 12:53 PM

I laughed so hard at this that I cried...

P.S. Compared to me, you were highly fashionable. I went to school regularly wearing purple pants, an oversized hot pink sweatshirt, and acid washed denim high tops.

Posted by: Ess | September 13, 2007 01:29 PM

I love it! holy batshit were our mom's related? Lord ;luvaduck we dressed the same! lLOL

Posted by: dannie | September 13, 2007 01:36 PM

God, I miss the '80s. It was just so....well, bright. And plastic. And big haired. *Sigh*

P.S. Me loves Bo.

Posted by: Floyd | September 13, 2007 01:47 PM

Perhaps Miss Doxie should host a "Comprehensive Retrospective of Awkward Periods" contest among her readers, because it seemeth to me that we'd all take first place. I remember one shining moment of mine in particular...my parents knowingly (knowingly!) let me dress myself for my fourth-grade pictures, and the ensemble included: tight-rolled acid washed jeans with attached paisley suspenders, two scrunchy socks on each foot with alternating colors (because I was cool like that) a brand new Ramses the Great t-shirt from the museum (did I say cool?), a part in my hair that started somewhere over my left ear, and a barrette-y clip of my mom's from the seventies, that consisted of several dangling leather laces with a feather on the end. Simply fetching, if I do say so myself. I also had to beat the guys off with a stick, so awed were they of my beauty.

Posted by: parp! | September 13, 2007 02:01 PM

I 100% second the idea of the "My Gang Colors are Blush and Bashful" T-Shirt! Please oh please sell one of those on shopdoxie!

Posted by: bluewahini | September 13, 2007 02:03 PM

I see you had an affinity for the scrunchie headband. Because my own obsession for all things matching was so out of control I had my mom make scrunchies to match everything that I owned. Perhaps it was because my allowance at Benetton and Units would only go so far.

Posted by: aimee | September 13, 2007 02:17 PM

1) I love the picture that stars you as Miffed Pre-Teen Who Is Too Cool For School, and your co-star Ziz as I Happen To Like Being Adored, Thank You Very Much.

2) What is it about bad fashion that makes people compete to be named the worst?

3) Having you back with so many entries in succession is like wandering through a desert for the whole summer, then happening upon a village having a Free Tequila For Everyone Dying of Thirst Party where I'm the guest of honor. So much deprivation! Followed by so much imbibing! I hope I survive. ;)

Posted by: Cassiopeia | September 13, 2007 02:23 PM

Pink. OMG. Pink. I totally remember when our high school went into the pink/peach phase. Good God. It's taken me 20 years for me to even be able to look at pink and not want to toss my cookies. Thanks for the memories.

Posted by: Operagal | September 13, 2007 02:41 PM

That first picture? Bershon perfected.

Posted by: oregoncoastgirl | September 13, 2007 03:24 PM

I think I may need to start this game, traffic has been slow lately, on the site and i've got some truly golden shit....that sounds wrong..i've got some amazingly heinous photographic evidence that I used to be horrid looking....and matchy matchy!

Posted by: bethany | September 13, 2007 03:39 PM

I can't believe your troop is on a forced diet! We took ours for their annual check-up and Beefcake Baby Geeng-gee (aka Ginger) received the "lose 1 lb" knell of doom. Now our other doxie, Olive, begs for Baby Geeng-gee...with the most atrocious warbles of pain I've ever heard. And noses Baby Geen-gee's food bowl around like, "why you make her starve? She has lovely figure to keep up!"
How long we'll last on the forced diet, we'll see!

Posted by: Hillary | September 13, 2007 03:44 PM

It's like looking at my pictures from my own pre-teendom. What was with the peach?? I had a peach corduroy ESPRIT blazer (because you need a blazer for all the board meetings you attend at age 12) that I thought was THE coolest thing anyone had ever worn! Thanks for sharing! Can't wait to see the rest.

Posted by: Amy | September 13, 2007 03:54 PM

A. You are hilarious
B. I love the embracing of your humility by posting these pictures
C. I love weiner dogs but my dad would disown me if I got one because his mom had one that bit him so they are verboten
D. Yay your dad getting better.

Thanks for coming back to the internets. We sure did miss you.

www.opaqueprintproduction.com/jbblog

Posted by: JennB33 | September 13, 2007 04:56 PM

OH CRAP! See I had totally blocked this from my mind until I saw that sweat shirt, but I had (if not that one) a very similar sweatshirt with the birds, and such, and I too am guilty of having worn on more than one occasion (but all before I was 13) stirrup pants.

Maybe if we let BO pee in our eyes we cannot see the horrors.

Courtney
PS At least your dachshunds take turns peeing on the spot. Mine like to try to do it at the same time, so someone (UH-HEM, Thomas) ends up peeing on someone's (hmm this sounds like William) leg. And that is why we keep baby wipes for dogs by the back door.

The End.

Posted by: courtney | September 13, 2007 05:12 PM

Oh how I've missed the doggie stories.. yay that you included one and I have been jonsin for SOOO long. Thank you! Love the outfits as well. I'm sure I had something similar.. God love the 80's. :)

Posted by: Angel | September 13, 2007 05:38 PM

I am so glad you are back and everything is good and happy!!!

Posted by: Louly | September 13, 2007 05:49 PM

What I found especially fashionable was that 2 of the Toucan's tailfeathers were caught in the waistband of your pants.
And OMG the neon brightness of the first picture made my eyeballs hurt. It is glowing on my screen.

Posted by: mommamack | September 13, 2007 07:20 PM

I know your fashion pain! I once found a picture of myself wearing a ballerina-mouse print skirt OVER a rainbow dress (??) and also socks over tights at the same time. And I wasn't 3, either.

Posted by: Evie | September 13, 2007 07:28 PM

I too had the toucan sweatshirt. I lost my locker key once at the swimmin' hole and had to describe its contents to the lifeguard. 'well...there's this sweatshirt. with a toucan'

Posted by: ToucanLovin | September 14, 2007 05:43 AM

Please, PLEASE make a t-shirt with 'My gang colors are blush and bashful!'I will buy several as the Best Gift Evah.

Posted by: ysabelkid | September 14, 2007 08:34 AM

I am snorting after the Bo story. I had to take a short break and comment as to break up and calm the snort. Freaking hilarious.

I have cats that beat each other up while in the litter box. "Hi, I am going to slap you in your face repeatedly while you are at your most vulnerable. Hope it was good for you, see you later!"

So mean! Ok, back to read about the toucan sweater I noted in the other comments.

Posted by: Fianna | September 14, 2007 08:45 AM

Blush & bashful . . . I'm dying over here, seriously. I may have to wait to read Day Three, lest I injure myself. Holding-in-hysterical-laughter-so-office-mates-don't-think-I'm-crazy is pretty much the only exercise my abs get.

Posted by: Shawnee | September 14, 2007 12:18 PM

I am now on a missing to work "my gang colors are blush and bashful" into at least one conversation daily.

Genius!!!

Posted by: Teri | September 14, 2007 12:45 PM

I am not on a missing but a mission....apparently excessive laughter can cause you to break your spelling button.

Posted by: Teri | September 14, 2007 12:46 PM

For the rest of my life I will regret nothing more than the fact that I did not think ever to say "My gang colors are blush and bashful!" Why G-d, why?! Why couldn't it be me?! *Sob*

That said, holy freakin' brilliant. Thank goodness you're back. :)

Posted by: Minda | September 14, 2007 06:32 PM

Was just driving home and I heard the Prince song that goes:

Color you peach and black
Color me taken aback.

You can understand why I had to rush home and comment.

Posted by: June Cutoff Cash | September 15, 2007 08:29 PM

All y'all are young stuff so you don't remember some of the SERIOUSLY bad fashion we wore in the 50s! Poodle skirts, for example. Mine could have, with minimal alterations, turned into a rotor for a Huey helicopter! Then there were the striped pedal pushers. Mine had vertical stripes, 2" wide, alternating chicken-fat yellow, white and black. Stealth movements were not an option!

In the 60s, whilst in college, I tapped into what was then a new trend - sweatshirts with images on them! During my senior year in college, I wore a 34E (you read that correctly) bra - under my Beethoven sweatshirt - his ears were soooooooooooooooooooo massive! I miss that sweatshirt!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | September 18, 2007 01:47 PM

Whoa, I know that sweater. The blue one with the pink and brightly colored stripes. I can't remember if it was mine or my sister's... I must have blocked out the details. But I can say with certainty that I did not have matching turquoise jeans. Not that they aren't cool or anything...

Posted by: Jenn | September 18, 2007 02:13 PM

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