« Day Two: Coordinated Attack | Main | Day Four: Arrested Development »

Day Three: Darlin', Don't You Go And Cut Your Hair

September 13, 2007

Man, it is all raining and horrifyingly dank and gothic outside, and the whole situation just makes me want to take a nap, preferably with something cuddly, like a cat or George Clooney. I have gotten nothing done for the last hour, and I am giving the heck up.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I work on the 23rd floor of my building, and so whenever it rains, it seems like the weather is just getting all up in my business, and I have to stop whatever I am doing and watch to make sure that lightning doesn’t come in through the windows and strangle me at my desk. Which, I am sure it...would, and all. I don’t know. I guess lightning doesn’t actually strangle people. I also guess maybe I should go get some coffee.

But, at any rate, the rain tends to put me in a nostalgic and sleepy mood, and that and all the fashion confessions in the comments have really made me think back on all of the things I used to wear, but of which (sadly, tragically) there is no photographic proof. So you will have to take my word for it that, like many of you, I too rocked the rolled down socks in matching colors. I remember a solid two year period in which the favored birthday gift of my age was a Gap tee-shirt and matching Gap socks (OMG THANK YOU!), preferably in some vivid primary color. And my most prized possession was a Guess denim jacket festooned with dozens of buttons, most of which I didn’t understand, but which looked like they qualified for an eleven year old version of subversive literature. (True story: I thought my smiling “Don’t Worry Mon!” button actually referred to an abbreviation for “Monday,” and that this was cheerful advice directed at the forlorn day. Like, chill out, Monday! You only come once a week.)

I also rocked the puff paint sweatshirts, and my personal favorite there was a knee-length white disaster with red chili peppers carefully painted (“puffed”?) all around the collar, a big old necklace of Wrong that gave the impression that I was trying to ward off a roving pack of spicy vampires. I paired that particular monstrosity with plastic chili pepper earrings, a red Multiples belt (if a cylinder of fabric can technically qualify as a “belt”), some red roll down socks and jeans, and concluded that no better outfit had ever been constructed at any time. Seriously, Coco Chanel? BRING IT. It’s CHILI PEPPER FOR THE WIN.

I had pink and turquoise (Catherino is so right, because there I go again with the turquoise) Converse high-tops, and would frequently wear the one blue shoe and one pink shoe, like a Dickensian urchin on acid. And, oh. Bows? DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT BOWS? Because, I HAD A LOT OF BOWS. I had bows in every color, style, and creation, all hanging on yard-long pink ribbons that dangled from the drawer pulls of my dresser. It was a bow for every outfit, and an outfit for every bow, and many featured tiny embellishments, including buttons, shoelaces (YOU HEARD ME, MCKATE), and miniature crayons. I wish I still had some of them, because I would totally wear them to work, and then count the minutes until I was formally disbarred.

In fact, would you like to see some examples of this? I would like to show you some examples of this. Like, here, where I have cleverly matched the bow to the bandana (?) I am wearing around my neck. Because a girl’s got to keep the dust out of her eyes, here in the wild, wild west of Atlanta suburbia. After the party, I went and roped some fillies.

bandana1.jpg
Happy eleventh birthday! Apparently we got you a tablecloth.


Or here, where the whole family is dressed like wayward Redshirts:

bow and earrings and sweatshirt.jpg
Pull your bow extra tight for a satisfying, do-it-yourself face lift!

Still, bows aside, I have one word for all of you, which will probably make you recoil from your computers, all, “NO SHE DID NOT”, and remember that you, too, took part in this particular miracle of science, and that word is: Hypercolor.

Oh, yes. I have been dying to find a prime, functional example on eBay (apparently, Hypercolor has a half life!), because I would like to bring it back in to style directly, so that I may wander the streets of Atlanta with Dukay’s handprints all over my more interesting body parts. Also, this is the only item of clothing which, when you look for it on eBay, includes the description, “Still works!!!!” It’s like the Atari of casual wear. I must own them all.

But, anyway. There are no pictures of me wearing a Hypercolor shirt, and this is a disappointment to us all, but that is okay. It is okay, because there are so many other pictures of me wearing interesting oddities. But even more specifically, there are so many pictures of me wearing such interesting hairstyles, and that is kind of where we arrive today, as we enter the Seventh and Eighth grades of my life, when we all still believed that Milli Vanilli sang their own songs and I dreamily imagined slow dancing to “Take My Breath Away” at my wedding to Christian Slater. (And, oh, the Christian Slater crush lasted for YEARS. I didn’t want just any Christian Slater, but I very much wanted to make sweet, sweet love to the Christian Slater character in Heathers, and that is not dark and angst-y at all, NO).

During this time, although I can’t find any evidence of perms, I have located proof of crimping, and lots and lots of curls. Which is interesting, because my hair is staunchly opposed to curls, and always has been. It is bone straight, and it takes a strictly anti-curl stance on all matters. It will not bend to the will of curlers, and it would very much like for you to fuck off. Naturally, in junior high, this meant that all I wanted in the world was a head full of long, curly locks, and so I tried to trick the hair by filling it with an assortment of mousse, burning it to a crisp with a set of grandmotherly curlers and pastel-tipped metal clips, and then shellacking the shit out of the whole mess with a bottle of Spray Net. And even then, my hair would obey for about twenty minutes, before getting all, “Yeah, that’s enough of that. BONE STRAIGHT AGAIN!”

I can only imagine, then, that these pictures were taken in the few wonderful moments that my hair was distracted enough to forget its natural tendencies, because I damn well know that this is not what I looked like by the end of the day. By the end of the day, the hair was back to straight, only now I’d added forty seven products and just made it mad. It’s like spanking an alligator: you’re not going to train it. You are only going to piss it off.

But still. I had to do something with my baby blue crimping iron, and that is the reason the world has this:


all about crimping.jpg
Big crimpin’, spendin’ Gs.


Similarly, I often tried to camouflage “bumpy” as being “curly,” as can be seen here (hey there blue earrings! Come back to me!):


accessories continue to plague me.jpg
Check out Ziz’s face, which clearly says, “Can you fucking believe I am related to that girl? PLEASE ADOPT ME.”

But the worst was when my hair wanted one thing, and I wanted another, and instead of parting ways and citing irreconcilable differences like other high profile couples, we ended up in a horrifying compromise in which my hair remained straight, but AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, AT LEAST IT WILL BE BIG. I showed this picture to our friend and co-worker, Big Daddy, who immediately exclaimed, “You know why you’re bending like that? BECAUSE YOUR NECK CAN’T SUPPORT THE WEIGHT OF YOUR HEAD.” He’s not wrong.

hair hair hair hair.jpg
I am actually too horrified to think of a caption here. Someone else! Think of a caption! Bonus points of Awesome if you mention the gloves.

Whew. And, that is all for today, thankfully, and also because I may fall asleep right now if I don't get up and do something that does not involve tripping down memory lane. But I'll be back tomorrow, and the nightmare will continue, bows and braces and all. See y'all then!

P.S.: Oh, RIGHT. Yeah, speaking of remembering shit (hi), this is kind of important, naturally, which means I totally forgot, what with the excitement of the site starting to work again and everything. But, I got an email from Dachshund Rescue of North America, my chosen charity, the other day, and they are in this contest, and I will let them explain it and we will read it all together in a Learning way:

We have an opportunity to get a $10,000 grant if we are in the top 6 of receiving the highest number of unique contributors. We don't need to raise the most money - so 100 $10 contributions are more valuable than 1 $1000 contribution. We could do a lot of good with $10,000. We have already done over 18 major surgeries this year - each one costing $2500 and up. We are in 5th place now, but we really need some new contributors!

Obviously, DRNA is an organization that I have wholeheartedly supprted for years, so if you have a spare couple of bucks, please consider sending it their way; if they stay within the top 6, they'll get this $10,000 grant, and that really will go a long way toward helping wieners all over. Check them out here, but do it quick, because I am pretty sure that contest is about to end, and frankly, the last thing I need is something ELSE for Bo to be pissed about. We're still on that diet. I'VE GOT MY HANDS FULL ALREADY.

Anyway! Thank y'all, and see you tomorrow!

Posted by doxie in | permalink

79 Comments

Oh my holy hell, the gloves and the hair are too much!

Posted by: Kristen | September 13, 2007 06:51 PM

happy 11th birthday, and my mother STILL has a roll of that EXACT wrapping paper, and saves it for special occasions. mercy.

Posted by: ashley | September 13, 2007 07:02 PM

Caption: "Oooo look MAGIC HANDS!"

Posted by: Laura | September 13, 2007 07:02 PM

More turquoise pants, eh? It's a sickness, woman!

Posted by: Kathryn | September 13, 2007 07:06 PM

Hypercolor! I begged for a hypercolor T-shirt for some gift giving occasion. It was all I needed to be the coolest kid EVER. And then my mom bought me the generic knock-off version, because she probably thought that all color changing shirts were equal. The shame! I've still never had an authentic hypercolor, and think that may explain many of my anti-social ways. *sniff*

Posted by: Jen | September 13, 2007 07:13 PM

In that last picture you kind of look like Polly Anna. You know, if she was dusting that banister for prints or something. Polly Anna CSI. Awesome.

Posted by: Lani | September 13, 2007 07:13 PM

Oh my heavens to betsy. Well, at least you didn't have a mullet.

Or DID YOU?

Posted by: FW Sunshine | September 13, 2007 07:28 PM

Was the white dress your 5th grade graduation/maypole dance dress? Did you get it at Gretchen's dress shop, next to Smith Ace Hardware? I know I saw some of those bows for sale in there.

Posted by: mommamack | September 13, 2007 07:46 PM

OMG, your mum is SUSAN SARANDON!!!

Posted by: Janice | September 13, 2007 07:57 PM

In the turquoise earring photo you could totally pass for a member of The Babysitters Club. Maybe the artistic diabetic,....or wait the tomboy with the divorced parents.....whichever.

Posted by: Louly | September 13, 2007 08:12 PM

I totally think that is a Gunnysacks dress and I think I had the same one. Oh how I loved the pink satin ribbon trim...

If only I had been crafty enough to cover all of my appendages in white accessories like you! Alas, I had to settle for just painting my fingernails a nice opalescent white.

Posted by: Kate | September 13, 2007 08:21 PM

OMFG! Multiples! Remember when you said that word and didn't automatically think "sex!".

Yeah, here's the thing. I worked at Dillard's in 198(mmmfffph) and I was drawn to the "multiples" area like a moth to a flame. It was all in a corner and all lit up and all BLACK CLOTHES that were TIGHT yet NOT KILLING and I swan to god...I haven't been able to remember the name of that clothing line for 20 years...thank you Doxie.

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | September 13, 2007 08:49 PM

I think I love you. Is that weird? It is, isn't it? But you have inspired the recollection of my first day of sixth grade, where I donned purple Converse high tops, hot pink leggings and a boxy hot pink striped Gap shirt. I feel fairly sure I was also toting a large hot pink Espirit bag. And I OWNED IT.

Posted by: Moose | September 13, 2007 08:58 PM

Inquiring minds want to know: jelly sandals? Preferably with socks?

Posted by: Cara | September 13, 2007 09:15 PM

I'm waiting for a discussion of heathered sweaters from the Limited! And rubber Madonna bangles. Can we expect those topics soon?

And thanks for the heads up on the DRNA contest -- I just made my donation so I hope it helps!

Posted by: Erica | September 13, 2007 09:17 PM

caption for last pic: Look, these are the hands that can tease the living hell out of my hair (with the help of a bottle of rave #4 hold of course)..these hands must be protected at all times so they can perform there miracles daily without injury.

Posted by: Amy | September 13, 2007 09:20 PM

In my family we call that "poodle hair". My questions are: how did you do it? and why did you do it? As a teen I would have killed for the long, bone-straight hair that was then the style.

Posted by: Linda | September 13, 2007 09:27 PM

Oh dear. That last picture is my hair NOW if I cut it short. I have what I refer to as "The Wafro" (or the White Girl Afro). Oh the horrors.

The white gloves keep making me think of some kind of scary Mary Poppins...maybe her evil twin who breaks into houses looking for dust...and hairspray.

I had all my bows on this big elastic bow that (omg) is still hanging up in my closet at my parent's house. Thankfully, all the bows have been relocated to a farm where they run around all day. Or maybe I just burned them. Who knows? ;)

Posted by: mouse | September 13, 2007 09:30 PM

picture caption:

Young suburban belle headed out to Easter Sunday church, well turned out, gloves & all!

Posted by: Melissa O in NYC | September 13, 2007 09:57 PM

Doxies Unite!! I just made a donation to DRNA! Such an awesome organization.

Posted by: Kari | September 13, 2007 10:10 PM

Oh my hell...HOW could I have forgotten the oversized ESPRIT bag Moose?

Mine was appropriately adorned with Depeche Mode and Duran Duran pins, and I carried it with pride while wearing my most awesome acid wash jean jacket. All this while my bangs threatened to take over the planet.

I was so mother fucking bad ass.

Posted by: ro | September 13, 2007 10:15 PM

Damn. Now I'm feeling nostalgic for Hypercolor, and I wasn't even born yet.
I shall join you in your quest to revive this trend! We mustn't let stained genitals and common sense get in the way of fashion!


[Your hair eventually got so pissed off that it took bites at your hands whenever they came in range.]

Posted by: Iggeh | September 13, 2007 10:31 PM

I agree with Linda. I always wanted long straight hair. I taped it, I wrapped it, I put it on top of my head in huge rollers. Anything to straighten it out short of ironing it (I never went that far). And ten minutes after I'd leave the house, BOING! All curly and frizzy again.

Posted by: Mauigirl | September 13, 2007 10:50 PM

I work in a coffee shop, and we have a customer that comes in every morning. She would be very proud of all the matchingness of your outfits, because this woman coordinates her entire outfit, accessories and all, and matches it to the mug she brings in with her. I swear, her closet has got to have outfits lined up with a mug on the shelf above each outfit. She would be very, very proud of the adolescent Miss Doxie.

Posted by: Melissa Mack | September 13, 2007 11:07 PM

Have you noticed the fact that you used to wear tons of "bows" and you know have a dog named "Bo", one who tortures you? Is it kismet?

Posted by: Jessica | September 13, 2007 11:28 PM

Um. How about, "Mom? Dad? I'd like you to meet the banister."

Or, "Marcel Mousse-ceau"?

Oh, Lord. Someone has to do better than me.

Posted by: June Cutoff Cash | September 13, 2007 11:34 PM

Dude, the bannister comment just killed me. Now I am dead with happiness.

And, fucking incidentally: why are there so many pictures of us standing on the staircase of our old house? There are two on this page alone. I mean, HEY TAN CARPET, GLAD YOU WERE IMMORTALIZED, but we really should have taken our asses outside.

Posted by: miss doxie | September 13, 2007 11:38 PM

I want to see Xanadu style barrettes - I know you have them somewhere.

I wish we could all post our similar pics - that would be hysterical. Bad Perm Contest!

Posted by: Jenn | September 13, 2007 11:47 PM

"big old necklace of Wrong" and your sisters expression = priceless.

But get this, I had HYPERCOLOR LEGGINGS. Most of the time I'm pretty sure I had this long sweatshirt atrocity that said "RELAX!!" on it to cover them but once in a while I would maybe just throw a plain old T-shirt on with them around the house.

You know how hot it gets in the 'nether regions'?


uhhh, yeah.

Posted by: Amy | September 14, 2007 12:09 AM

Oh, Amy....we should go into business together! because I have Hypercolor SHORTS. And they're actually of a length that's popular again now (just above the knee, but fitted all the way down...whatever they call those).

I'm pretty sure I still have them, too. I saw them less than a year ago.


And you are SO RIGHT about the hot nether regions. My legs may be purple, but my crotch is HOT PINK! Pretty rad.

Posted by: Cassiopeia | September 14, 2007 01:12 AM

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THE WHITE GLOVES.

I wrote a song and everything.

Unfortunatly, it is not good. But it is almost 2am, and I'm tired as hell. So you're stuck with it.

(Sung to the tune of "S.O.S" by Rhianna)

S.O.S.
Please some one help me.
My hair's too big
For me to stand up straight.
The gloves they keep my hands warm.
But not as sexy as my virginal tights..
This time please some one come and rescue me.
My hair is pissed,
I might be loosing it.
The sleeves are really puffy
Oh, babe, as you can see.
I might be loosing it.

Enjoy! I'm gunna go pass out.

Lalala lalala lalalalala ooh...

Posted by: The Danny | September 14, 2007 02:49 AM

For some reason the white dress/gloves photo brought this quote to mind, "I depend on the kindness of strangers" said in a southern accent.

Posted by: Marlow | September 14, 2007 03:35 AM

Curly-headed people, step off, for you know not the pain of coveting fantastic spiral curls and having your hair reject them. But even worse: my hair is so straight and fine that it refuses to submit to clips and other hair accoutrements: Yes, my Scrunchies had to practically be hairsprayed to my head. The early 90s were not kind.

P.S. Doxie, I'm pointing the baby 1Ls at my school to your old law school post. They don't understand it yet, but they will. Poor bastards.

Posted by: Liz | September 14, 2007 03:39 AM

OMG! You people have no IDEA of the fashion horrors of the mood ring era. Like ANYONE could ever look good in goucho pants.....or electric lime green....shag haircuts...or polyester anything. I have wisely destroyed all the photo evidence, but I kept a "cute" (???) little mini dress in swirling blacklight colors of fushia, orange, neon blue and eye-popping green hanging in my closet for YEARS. I have no idea why; just torturing myself, I guess. And WTF is/was hypercolor? I seem to be blissfully ignorant of that particular fashion faux pas.
PS: GREAT to see you back Miss D, and thanks for the heads up about the DRNA.

Posted by: Sharon | September 14, 2007 07:19 AM

I was around in the 80's and haven't a clue what Hypercolor is. Somebody care to fill me in on this thing that apparently never bothered to cling to my memory?

Be nice to the curly haired people. LOL I'm one of them and trust me, it isn't all that. If the humidity levels get higher than 60%, my own curly locks turn into a big, frizzy mess. In order to control the said friz means using heavy conditioners which if used too often leaves one's hair looking like a egg can be fried on my head even though my hair is clean.

Posted by: Stacy | September 14, 2007 08:58 AM

"Big crimpin’, spendin’ Gs."

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I, too, struggled with trying to make my poker-straight hair hold a damn curl, until a very tough-love stylist took me aside and said: "Your hair will NEVER be curly. Accept that."

Dude, at least you weren't saddled with GLASSES too, as I was. In fact, in college, my friends and I held a junior-high-picture Dork Contest...AND I WON.

Posted by: jive turkey | September 14, 2007 09:08 AM

The last picture makes me think you are either heading to the Mormon temple for some righteous festivities or being confirmed in the Catholic Church.

So, maybe: "Hair crimping: Approved by Jesus"?

Oh, and I was totally all about Christian Slater from Pump up the Volume. HARD HARRY FOREVER!!

Posted by: Andrea | September 14, 2007 09:27 AM

Hypercolor - omg I totally forgot about those!!!! For those that don't know, it was clothing that changed color with body heat. So someone could put their hand on your shirt for a few minutes and leave a big old handprint.

Miss Doxie - how come I don't see any legwarmers? Or 5,000 jelly bracelets on each arm? Or jelly shoes? Or friendship pins? Tsk Tsk!

Posted by: Traci | September 14, 2007 09:32 AM

haahahaaahaaa oh my God... Hypercolor!! I had one, my brother had two. I had the pink to purple, he had the much prefereable blue to yellow-green. I think they are still in a closet at my mom's house - and now I MUST CHECK!!!

I never did the huge hair, just the huge bangs, but now I kind of wish I had! HEE!

And... I will just take a moment to dork out... I GOT A MISS DOXIE SHOUTOUT!!!!!!! NEENER NEENER NEEENERRRRR! We bond over our shoelace bows. It's a group-therapy kind of thing. Yes I will totally send you a picture. It's the hugest bow EVER.

Posted by: McKate | September 14, 2007 10:26 AM

The caption for that last picture should be:

Roman Grant's Next Child Bride

You look like Chloe Sevigny's little sister in that one.

Posted by: catherino | September 14, 2007 10:39 AM

I can't WAIT until you get to bodysuits!! I had about 20 of those suckers!!

Posted by: Laura C | September 14, 2007 10:50 AM

Doxie,

Did you own any units attire? The tops, bottoms, and elastic-y belts/tops that could be mixed and matched in a multitude of horrendousness? I had pink and turquoise (oi!) outfits from there.

I too remember the vneck forenza sweaters that we all wore backwards (why? WHY???) and the absolute hideousness of stirrup pants.

And yes, the best presents I got in 7th grade (and for my Bat Mitzvah) were matching forenza tshirt and socks combinations in hot magenta pink, electric yellow, and neon green. Debbie Gibson had nothing on me.

As for Christian Slater, my one comment after seeing Heathers for the twelve millioneth time was "He has a lickable chest." You and I would have had a throwdown over him, I'm sure :)

Glad you're back. I've missed ya!

Posted by: hearmysong | September 14, 2007 10:55 AM

OK, I will admit to being easily amused.................... but this shit cracks me up!

I am decades older than you 'children' and while I also lived through the 80's & 90's, I was rarely a fahion maven.

While looking through my HS yearbook w/ my daughter in preparation for my upcoming 30th reunion, she remarked that I am still wearing the same clothes!!!

What?!?!? LaCoste polos and jeans are out of style?!?!??!?
who knew!
Too bad my Grandmother stopped outfitting my sisters and I in Lily Pullitzer.............I'd love some of that stuff now!!!

On the hair front, it was a different story, straight hair till I walked past perm rods in the salon, THEN tight, twisted, Poodle curls that don't even look good on poodles!!

And by the way, I never could understand that roll your jeans so tight they cut off the circulation in your ankles.............whats up w/ that?!??

Posted by: jp | September 14, 2007 11:05 AM

The white gloves remind me of church too, but in a more musical way. So I think the tagline for that pic should be: Want me to ring your bell, big boy?

Posted by: Dawn | September 14, 2007 11:06 AM

I've been swamped with work this week and missed your glorious return to the Internets. I've been laughing my ass off at your outpouring of young fashion faux pasness. And the thought of dealing with Bo on a diet makes me giggle. Very glad all is okay with your dad. Welcome back.

Posted by: Matt | September 14, 2007 11:06 AM

Catherino got it, that picture screams, "I am the reluctant child bride of an 80 year old polygamous fundamentalist who is a self-declared prophet, and he is waiting for me upstairs"

Posted by: mom2elvis | September 14, 2007 11:07 AM

My first comment! I just had to come out of the woodwork for Hypercolor fever!!

Mwah hah hah! I have an Official long sleeve Hypercolor T-shirt that still works and that I still wear on occasion just for the novelty factor. At one point in time the shirt changed from blue to pink when warm. Now its kind of a half hearted color change, but at least it works.

Posted by: Heather P | September 14, 2007 11:11 AM

I feel your pain.

The only one I could find quickly. Sad, isn't it?

Posted by: page | September 14, 2007 11:16 AM

Re: mommamack's post. I remember Gretchen's! All of the girls on the swim team got our bows there!

Posted by: aimee | September 14, 2007 11:22 AM

Okay, let's hear it for the 60's. Color-block, paisleys, mega bell-bottoms, empire waist babydoll tops, lovebeads, poison rings, and tinted granny glasses! And may I proudly announce I was the FIRST person in school to acquire a pair of GO GO boots!! But my favorite was rainy days when I got to wear my shiny red vinyl (mini-length like my skirt) raincoat with matching knee-high boots (3 inch chunky heels) and a clear vinyl bubble umbrella that came all the way down over my shoulders. What would seem to be a cleaver way to stay dry was actually a portable torture chamber as it fogged up from your breath so you couldn't see where you were going, AND when the oxygen was rapidly depleted you couldn't breath either.

Posted by: mommamack | September 14, 2007 11:51 AM

I've been reading forever, but never commented. However this series has pushed me over the edge...

I'm having a horrible case of flashbacks here. If it can make you feel any better, we all looked like idiots, it was the 80s

Posted by: Jazz | September 14, 2007 12:03 PM

No signs of backwards V sweaters yet. Maybe tomorrow!

Caption options (Heathers inspired):

"What's your damage, Ziz?"

"You blow it tonight girl, and its keggers with kids all next year!"

"Do I look like Mother Theresa?"

"How very."

"My hair said: 'You want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.' I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? It said, 'yes.' I said, 'you're beautiful.'"

I vote for the child bride comments though. Much funnier than this stuff.

Posted by: Laura | September 14, 2007 12:12 PM

Right. You have all these pictures from your childhood but you know what? I was IN COLLEGE and wore this stuff so I have absolutely no excuse whatsoever. At least you were too young to know better.

Posted by: Barbara | September 14, 2007 12:17 PM

Laughing my ass off...we rocked the same fashion!!

Posted by: Kristin | September 14, 2007 01:07 PM

Welcome back! I missed you.

Posted by: Maria | September 14, 2007 01:38 PM

I think maybe you are wearing your Stepford Wife Underoos in that last picture. And maybe you have blocked the Toni home perm from your mind?

Posted by: madeleine | September 14, 2007 02:04 PM

Donation sent in honor of you and the remarkable Bo. I didn't have a virgin handy and this was the best I could do to please him!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | September 14, 2007 02:47 PM

I nearly fell out of my office chair and into the floor. I CANNOT believe there is another person out there that wore one turquoise high-top All-Star Converse and one pink one. I also mixed in yellow.

I feel this might make us soulmates.

Posted by: Stefanie | September 14, 2007 03:12 PM

Ohmygod you make me feel better about how I dressed when I was younger. I'm going to try to find a picture of this neon orange outfit I wore almost every week in 7th grade. It was bright orange top and shorts set that was trimmed in neon yellow. I looked like a tropicana commercial just exploded all over me. I paired it with a pair of geometric trapeziodal-ish neon orange earrings.

Posted by: Luxe | September 14, 2007 03:39 PM

Thanks for that last picture - you are adorable! Somehow related, I will have Billy Idol's 'white wedding' stuck in my head for infinity now.

Posted by: anne nahm | September 14, 2007 03:47 PM

Ya know what I am surprised that I haven't noticed yet? Those weird napkin holder like things that you would slide on to the corner of your grossly oversized shirt, to pretend like it fitted you? I really can't think of what they are called, but the look like the "no" sign (you know the circle with the slash across it). Man those were bad.

Courtney

PS that one outfit looks like Dorthy on Easter after the tornado. The large disheveled hair, frilly white and blue ginham dress, white tights and gloves. Oh goodness.

Posted by: courtney | September 14, 2007 04:03 PM

OMG Courtney, I know exactly what you are talking about! I was in Spain a few years ago and shopping all the fantastic summer sales when I noticed a plastic t-shirt/napkin holder thing in one of the cooler stores. At first I picked it up all, "what is this?" It was with horror that I realized I was holding a fashion accessory that I had considered to be So Cool when I was in 4th grade. Needless to say, I walked right out of that store and promptly sent a postcard warning my friends back home that the 80s were trying to make a comeback and we should all beware.

Miss Doxie, your matching sock story reminded me of how I used to wear 2 color-coordinating pairs of socks at a time. Take, for example, pink and purple. Left foot would have the pink sock over the purple, so when rolled down the purple showed. Right foot would be opposite -- pink showed when rolled down. I had the most fashionable ankles in the elementary school.

Posted by: Audrey | September 14, 2007 04:58 PM

I think you look vaguely evil in that last picture, truly. The gloves are saying less "church" and more "leave no fingerprints at the scene of the crime" to me. Therefore, caption:

"It puts the lotion in its hair."

Posted by: Mir | September 14, 2007 05:22 PM

I had the turquoise and pink Chucks, too, and did the same thing.

Unfortunately, the pink pair was a size bigger than the turquoise pair (I was growing fast, and got the pink pair as reserves for when the turquoise ones were outgrown) and therefore would look ever so vaguely *more* off-balance while wearing my mismatching shoes.

your pictures are inspiring me. I may have to do a similar feature to share the horror that was a late-1980s/early-990s junior-high-girls' fashion sense. Because I think most of us dressed that way, with the matchy, the accessories, the colors, and the HAIR OF DOOOOOOOM.

Posted by: Michelle D | September 14, 2007 05:31 PM

"THESE are spirit fingers..."

Posted by: shaynee | September 14, 2007 05:56 PM

So have you seen that old film "The Bad Seed"? Because you are totally Rhoda Penmark in that last photo. Go ahead and take my penmanship medal — just don't drown my ass during the class picnic!

Posted by: Meghan | September 14, 2007 06:44 PM

Okay, I have a list of requests from all my family and friends!
-Gimmme's uniboob
-The Dippin' Dots of Jesus
-COOKIE'S GEESE STORY(!!!)
-Homicidal squirrel
-Dog stories

The (!!!) means that we're all dying to hear that story. ;D

Posted by: Emzy | September 14, 2007 06:59 PM

Oh, I'm SO glad you're back!!! I only discovered you a month or so ago, you see, AFTER you'd stopped posting, and I went through your archives with joy, but then realized YOU WEREN'T POSTING ANYMORE, WTF!!! I actually GOOGLED YOU TO SEE IF ANYBODY WAS TALKING about what happened to you, and so stumbled into some forum in which people were comforting each other that NO, nothing had happened to you, just the Asshole Internet was pushing you around some, and YES, your dad was okay, and so were you and all the folks in your world. And I was SO happy, and now LOOK! You're back, Dog's in his heaven and all's right with the world.

BUT I have to tell you this. If you're in Honolulu and you see a big hairy sweaty guy who needs a haircut? riding a big black urban assault bicycle on the sidewalks and terrorizing old ladies hauling vegetables in their grocery carts? wearing an aloha shirt and a pair of Dockers (the corporate uniform of Hawai`i) and TWO DIFFERENT COLORED CHUCK TAYLORS?

That's my husband. Please don't hate. He's 36 going on 1983. At least he's not wearing eyeliner anymore.

xoxo and aloha and welcome back!!!

Posted by: Caroline | September 15, 2007 12:36 AM

I didn't have hypercolor, but I did wear this pink neon sweatshirt to DEATH in 8th grade, bright earrings that probably matched, and at one point these tan wedge high heels that no 8th grader should be wearing being that they made me at least 4-5 inches taller and I couldn't walk in them anyway. I never got jellies so that was my alternative. And I'm also still waiting for the pastel shaker sweater pictures - I know I had one, and was jealous of the popular girl who had the v-neck in the back. Where did she FIND those??

For the last picture - seriously you look like a child Kylie Minogue channeling Madonna's Like A Virgin video.. on Easter Sunday. That's the best I got.

Posted by: Angel | September 15, 2007 01:54 PM

I am trying to find the old entry about "why we don't bathe the dogs more often!" Anyone?!?
Thanks!
Chris

Posted by: Chris | September 15, 2007 07:00 PM

and I know those white gloves, too! This must be around 7th grade... the time when lucky young girls and boys are subjected to "social", and made to do the funky chicken with old ladies who take their dancing very seriously.

Posted by: Jenn | September 18, 2007 02:15 PM

You remember those weird circular things you used to stick the end of your shirt into?

For some reason, when I read "The Dark is Rising" series, I thought that those rings of power or whatever it was the main character was collecting all over the place would look like those.

Oh, and my brother STILL thinks he is Christian Slater from Heathers. He was the same year as you at that other rival private school down the street. He was early trench coat mafia. People bet on if he would turn out to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 or a serial killer.

Oh..and the BOWS!!! I had about 100. I had one to match every outfit. Ones to match my tennis clothes. Ones to match my gymnastics leotards(they hurt if rolled on wrong), ones to match my dance leotards, themed ones for Easter, Christmas, Halloween...oh yes..and they were bigger than my head. The lacier and bigger the better!

I think this is the worst of the bunch by the way...I'm supposing these are the ones that made Dukay shudder.

Posted by: Circe2020 | September 19, 2007 05:07 AM

OH! And I had big earrings my mother bought which together said "Ho! Ho!" for Christmas..

....But being as I have two ears, I walked around with just the word "Ho!" on each ear.

Those were some sweet Christmas shots that year.

Posted by: Circe | September 19, 2007 05:10 AM

OMG, Circe, I remember those! (I'm her older sister, the one with the pictures from the '80's that *clearly* rival yours, Doxie!) The HO earrings were freakin' AWESOME.

I had a crimping iron that fried my hair the first time I used it so it went into the trash. Of course, crimping stick straight, fine hair that had already had a home perm was a bad idea. I looked like a poodle caught in the rain. And what was I thinking mixing "winged" bangs with a perm? Hey, it was better than I "claw" bangs.

My huge, chiclet-sized buck teeth contributed to the overall look, only to be remedied by suffering several arduous years of full metal braces, bite-plate, and rubberbands. And they wondered why I was so skinny!

Christian Slater was dre-amy. Sigh.

Posted by: Skye | September 19, 2007 09:35 PM

Caption: One day I'll be haunting this staircase ...

Posted by: steve Josephson | September 20, 2007 11:29 AM

I swear, if you weren't thinner in all of those photos, I'd think they were photos of myself.

If I see a high school photo wearing a black catsuit, big hair, and black slouchy boots, I'll shoot my eyes out. Then I'll KNOW you were just stalking me. :D

Posted by: ApparentlyCrazy | September 21, 2007 04:33 PM

4th paragraph? FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER READ! hahahahaha!

Posted by: Blanca's Girl | September 23, 2007 05:44 PM

It is all sorts of wrong that your hair in the first "jaundice" picture is BETTER than any hairdo I have had IN MY ENTIRE LIFE and I'm 34 years old. Excuse me while I go throw myself in front of a bus...

Posted by: Hair Don't | September 24, 2007 12:57 PM

holy hell, what about A-Smile overalls, in many, many colors? the ones with the ice cream cone? and shoelaces with whales, rainbows, stars, sparkles etc...? and Normandee Rose jeans? and did anyone else have a Hagen Daaz t-shirt? we too, wore our Forenza sweaters backwards. wow, who knew such an AWESOME idea would be so widespread? hmmm, how about duck shoes? dear lord...

i know i'm coming in late on this one, but i couldn't help but join the fun...

Posted by: kelly | November 8, 2007 03:59 PM

Post a comment: