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Day Four: Arrested Development

September 14, 2007

Quick one today, because I am about to go get a drink with Cookie, and if I do not hurry it up, she will come and smack me in the head with a stapler. Everyone around here knows that it is very important not to piss Cookie off. A few years ago, one of the partners nicknamed her “the Chinchilla,” which sounds sort of scandalous, but is actually quite apropos, because Cookie is adorable, and Cookie is little, but Cookie will cut you. She is sort of like Bo, only somewhat taller, and with a greater tolerance for beer. And she wears spectacular shoes. Bo refuses to wear shoes, even if I think they are pretty damn spectacular, myself. Crazy dog.

Anyway! So, Day Four, which is an interesting smorgasbord of just bad, and I still have braces in these pictures, which means they must have been taken prior to my entry into high school. I first got braces in the…fourth grade? Maybe fifth? I forget, but I had them for about two years, and then they took them off, and then they announced that I needed them again as soon as I started sixth grade, and I took this news with all of the grace and dignity of someone whose leg has been hacked off with a weed whacker. Or someone who has been smacked over the head by a stapler. Which is to say, a fair amount of hysterical screaming was involved.

And if you were wondering why I was so horrified at the notion of a braces encore, here is why that posed a problem.
nice curls.jpg
Jaundice: It's everybody's problem.

These pictures, then, must have been from the tail-end of the braces days, which also marks the tail-end of the eighties, and therefore, the eighties fashions I so lovingly embraced. We were moving away from a time of jelly bracelets and puff paint and into a time where I longed to dress like Bridget Fonda from Singles, or Winona Ryder from Reality Bites. I stocked up on vests, black velvet chokers, cut-off jeans (which were verboten in my school, unless they were hemmed, which meant that all my jean cut-offs had to be professionally tailored, which seems to defeat the entire purpose of the grunge movement, but this was just an example of THE MAN TRYING TO KEEP ME DOWN and I probably wrote about it in a trapper keeper somewhere). In the years that followed, I would pair long dresses with lace-up Doc Martens, thermal shirts and girly skirts, and wear black tights with everything. Which…okay, I still wear black tights with everything, so maybe I should just shut up directly, but still. IT WAS DIFFERENT THEN. SOMEHOW. I THINK.

Anyway! Before I could get to that point, though, I experienced a period in which I could not seem to figure out how to dress myself, and this caused a reinvention similar to that of Madonna, only less attractive. I started private school in the middle of junior high, and was shocked by the difference in fashion. Now, I had to decide: would I be conservative? Would I be a rebel? WHO CAN DECIDE? This was apparently the dilemma with which I struggled, which you can clearly see by examining my attempt to pair preppy with puffy, as I wear a polo shirt underneath a tee shirt painted with a glorious selection of tropical fish:

fish tee shirt over collared shirt.jpg
HERE FISHY FISHY

I am clearly still having issues here, where I demonstrate what every yuppie camper needs: WEEJUNS.
roughing it in weejuns and scrunchy socks.jpg
Ziz smacked me with her ugly stick.

And finally, in a prime example of my attempts to self-define, we can see that I have ventured waaaaay too far into the conservative territory, picking up a page from the playbook of a deranged Laura Ingalls Wilder:

little house on the prairie.jpg
WTF HALF PINT?

Heeeee. What the hell, self? HONESTLY.

Anyway, that pretty much sums up this perio. I'm taking the weekend off, but will be back with Day 5 on Monday. Until then, y'all have a good weekend; I have got to go now, RIGHT NOW, or else face a chinchilla with a stapler, and that's just more than I can handle.

Posted by doxie in | permalink

62 Comments

"trapper keeper" - man, I had forgotten about them!

The fish! They are color-coordinated with the wrapping paper and bows (I think that's what that is) in the foreground. Another attempt at camouflage, I see. (I just totally had to go look up how to spell camouflage.)

Posted by: Linda | September 14, 2007 07:47 PM

Umm....why no mention of the shoulder pads? I have the unfortunate blessing of well built shoulders and I say unfortunate because that means for the later part of the 80s and first part of the 90s I was even extra shouldered thanks to that fashion trend. I looked a lot like a crimped-out, pimply, 5-foot-something football player. Pegged jeans really helped that one, lemme tell ya. Ah, the beauty of girl-becoming-woman....

Posted by: Beth | September 14, 2007 08:17 PM

SHOULDER PADS!!!!!!!

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | September 14, 2007 08:41 PM

Dude, Dukay? Kind of looks like your dad. Your hair looks nice in the first picture, though :)

Posted by: JP | September 14, 2007 08:54 PM

Wait. When did jelly bracelets go out of style? Why did no one tell me this. Am I to assume I should stop wearing my polka dot stretchy pants with a long, brightly colored t-shirt tied in a knot at the hip? Oh Heavens! I think I need to go shopping.

Posted by: mouse | September 14, 2007 09:21 PM

I'm a couple of years older than you, but committed the same fashion faux paux. I had a pair of Jordache jeans that were blue and gray acid wash...blue on the front of one leg, gray on the other and reversed on the back. Oh? Did I mention they also had ankle zippers on the back. I was so proud of myself for saving up my allowance for them because my mom wouldn't buy them for me.

I just started reading your blog a couple of months ago, but have gone back and read all the posts. You are a seriously funny lady!

Look forward to more CRAP!

Posted by: The Queen | September 14, 2007 09:39 PM

My girls and I were just having a drunken conversation about Trapper Keepers. Of the 4 of us, 2 LOVED them, 2 were all "meh..."

I rhapsodized in slur.

Is it wrong that I like the turtleneck/sweater combo in the first pic?

That's what I thought.

Posted by: a horrible warning | September 14, 2007 10:15 PM

Oh my God...a Sesame Street "Here Fishy Fishy" reference coupled with a Laura Ingalls Wilder reference? HAVE DIED AND GONE TO BLOG HEAVEN. THANK YOU. Hilarious.

Posted by: Laura | September 14, 2007 11:06 PM

Is it just me, or in the last picture do you look like you could be Nikki's (from Big Love) cousin?

Posted by: Boulder | September 15, 2007 05:02 AM

My question is: why is Ziz's dress on backwards
In that last photo?

Posted by: Wen | September 15, 2007 07:10 AM

You rock the 80s shoulder pads - as did we all
G-d bless Dynasty.

Posted by: Pammer | September 15, 2007 10:25 AM

I was just going to make a comment about how Freudian your relatonship with your dad must be, because he is a spitting image (whatever that means) of Dukay. And he still is (in a slightly older way) to the extent his firm bio picture is accurate. But I see I'm not the first commenter to make this observation.

Posted by: Brian | September 15, 2007 11:25 AM

I am guessing because the first picture was taken in the bathroom that it was a commemoration of the curly curls which would have been gone by the time you reached the front door. Am I right? Also, you didn't say anything about Ziz's "Samantha" dress from the American Girl collection. Mom's got the cermonial Goddess Pele dress look from "Donovan's Reef". Poor men- fashion forward means either a red or yellow power tie choice. What an eclectically dressed family!

Posted by: mommamack | September 15, 2007 11:45 AM

Yes! There is the shaker sweater I was waiting for! Also.. I hearted Laura Ingalls Wilder forever. And I'm so glad you're doing this w/ your pictures and not say.. mine. I had braces from 8th grade to senior year honey. My gram used to say my bucked teeth were so bad I could eat a corn cob thru a knothole so you should feel relieved. I had to make my orthodontist take them off finally when I went overseas. And do you think I wore my retainer?? Like for 3 weeks. Oh well.

Posted by: Angel | September 15, 2007 02:01 PM

That last photo, did you mom say "Make sure you wear something lacy and frumpy for the family photo, this one's going on the family Christmas card". Love the photo essay. Welcome back.

Posted by: paganmonstersuz | September 15, 2007 02:52 PM

I totally blame your mom for that last one.

Or Grandma. She looks like she could be guilty.

Posted by: Amy | September 15, 2007 03:11 PM

I had the clear braces too! I agree, they were totally yellow! And, the colored rubber bands, in florescent colors?! What was I thinking?

Lovin' the penny loafers while camping!

Posted by: Apples on a Stick | September 15, 2007 04:45 PM

I am trying to find an old entry about "Why we don't bathe the dogs more often!" Anyone!?! Thanks!
Chris

Posted by: Chris | September 15, 2007 07:02 PM

Chris, here it is: http://www.missdoxie.com/2006/06/story_time_1.html

Also, MissDoxie! I'm so glad you're back and everything is ok! I thought you gave up the Internet for good, and I was very, very sad. Like hungry Bo.

Posted by: k8lin | September 15, 2007 11:01 PM

You did not wear nearly enough neon. Why is it all picture of me from the 80s feature HOT PINK, ELECTRIC BLUE, and RADIOACTIVE YELLOW. Also, it could be worse. I had stick straight hair that did not take to curl, but my always fashion conscious mother took it in her hands to perm it. At home. Picture a knobby kneed neon one-ended Q-tip. That was me in the 80s. Couple that with my childhood inability to appear intellectually normal in any photograph and you have the makings of some really ghastly pictures. Of which there are far too many. The perils of only-childness.

Besides neon, you also missed out on snap bracelets and those things that held your t-shirt all bunched up on one side that looked like plastic belt buckles. And dresses that look like they were made out of towel material and tie up at the shoulders.

Posted by: Lisa | September 16, 2007 03:22 AM

Oh Miss Doxie, how have we pined for your entries...and these are like sweet potato pie with candied walnuts on top, so sweet are they! I rocked the following in the 80's/early 90's:
The duo-curl bang (try to curl short bangs foreward over your forehead AND back towards your head)
-Stirrup pants
-Jeans with zippers on them/socks over/too short with HALF BOOTS
-neon/hypercolor/peach
-crimped hair (or. worse yet, hair you BRAIDED in tiny braids so as to appear crimped)
-the deep desire for a home perm (thanks mom for not listening!)
-jelly bracelets
-rainbow SUSPENDERS (wtf? what was I, Rainbow Brite?)
-jellies
and other atrocities. Happily I was just a lil' squirt at the time, so can be excused for The Awful b/c I was dressed out of the mercy of my friends and their moms. Glad to hear Papa Doxie getting better, please send a bit So. Cal buncha get well wishes for me.

Posted by: Maya | September 16, 2007 05:14 AM

I'm glad you're back - I was compulsively checking your site all the time just hoping for mo' Bo.

I had that same dress in the last photo. Seriously, I think I even had a family portrait taken in it. I'm going to have to go look for it now so I can burn it.

Posted by: Builder Mama | September 16, 2007 08:13 AM

Maya, I swear I am having a seizure due to your list of late eighties atrocities. And believe you me, I rocked ALL of them. When I got my peg-legged acid washed with the zippers on the ankles? I thought I was the hottest thing EVER. I ruled! Guns N Roses were going to call me ANY DAY. And I LIVED in huge sweatshirts and leggings/stirrup pants. AND I totally put my hair into fourteen million braids so it looked crimped. And I'll see the slap bracelets and raise you plastic charm necklaces. So hot I was. Except not. At all. Doxie? You are a braver woman than I am, that's for damn sure. But I also rocked the ENORMOUS PLASTIC RIMMED GLASSES OF THE EIGHTIES, which I think trumps all, being that you still look gorgeous in all those pictures, fashion be damned.

Posted by: missbanshee | September 16, 2007 08:37 AM

hee

Posted by: shy Victoria | September 17, 2007 12:27 AM

So, I clearly remember a trip to the orthodontist in 1990, during which he told me I DIDN'T need braces...and I pitched a fit. Because OHMYGODMOM, EVERYONE HAS BRACES AND I WILL BE A COMPLETE OUTCAST IF I DON'T HAVE THEM! GOD!!!

Proof that adolescence really does cloud rational thought.

Posted by: jive turkey | September 17, 2007 08:37 AM

On the brighter side................in your jaundice picture, your hair is 'girlie curlie'!!!

If my grandma wasn't in that last picture, I definetly would burn that sucker!!!

Posted by: jp | September 17, 2007 12:17 PM

I had forgotten that Bridget Fonda was the arbiter of early '90's style. I still love her looks in Singles and Single White Female -- how amazing was that short silver trenchcoat?!

Posted by: Amy | September 17, 2007 12:50 PM

All I can say is: boy, have I missed you, Ms. Doxie. Welcome back to the Internet! :)

Posted by: Ivie | September 17, 2007 10:11 PM

Welcome back!!!! I thought I was going to have to get through nursing schol WITHOUT my much loved Miss Doxie. You are my crazy assed break from reality. I am so glad your dad is doing well. I thought something terrible happened.

Posted by: Donna | September 17, 2007 11:05 PM

Not only did I have the acid washed tight jeans with the zippered ankles - but right above the zippers were these little denim bows. Which I thought were the best thing EVER.

And I totally rocked the XXL t-shirt (sadly, with a large teddy bear on it. oh the angst of being 13...) which I tied into a knot on one side and paired with my black leggings, big socks and a gazillion jelly bracelets in black on one arm and a bunch of friendship bracelets on the other.

Friendship bracelets - anyone remember those? You went to the craft store and bought DMC thread in a bunch of colors and made all these rainbow colored things by doing knots and whatever? I can remember sitting for hours making them.

I'm so happy you're back Miss Doxie!!

Posted by: meg | September 18, 2007 09:02 AM

Wow, its been a while since Ive peeked in on your hilarious blog, and I don't know what has been keeping me . . . greetings from Okinawa, the land of Mr. Miyagi, global irrelevance and apologetic xenophobia!

Now wait just a minute . . .there was actually a time when you didn't appear everywhere perfectly dressed for the occassion, for the very moment? If you didn't provide your own photographic evidence, and quite damning evidence at that, I wouldn't believe it.

Posted by: KieferTwin | September 18, 2007 09:45 AM

No doubt that last dress is a Gunne Sax? I think I had a few of those back in the day. I MAY even have worn one to a prom! eek!

Posted by: cutiger | September 18, 2007 01:34 PM

Oooo... shoulder pads!

Posted by: Kristin | September 18, 2007 03:47 PM

I am so ready for Day 5! Please come back!

Posted by: Miss-Y78 | September 18, 2007 09:52 PM

you're baaack!! OK, so I'm just a reader of your blog and have been for about a year, so you don't really know me, but omg I was SO worried about you and your dad and all that, so YAY that he's ok and double friggin YAY that you're back!! Ok, and just for the record, I had a mullet from 6-7th grade...there are no words for that evil.NONE.

Posted by: Jen | September 18, 2007 10:46 PM

I too had braces twice. The first time was in 4th grade and was because in my mother's immortal words "I'm tired of looking at you."

The second one was because I lost more teeth, had a tooth that wouldn't come in right, had orthodontic surgery, and then had another two years of braces until I was in 10th grade...yes, it was an awkward era for me. Feel my pain.

As far as the grunge thing..been there, done that..realized that the Reality Bites look made me look underdeveloped AND fat at the same time. Then moved into the even more unfortunate "Interview with a Vampire" phase where I wore velvet vests, long crushed silk witch skirts, blouses with insanely laced collars, and witch boots...combined with the fact that I still couldn't figure out what to do with my hair...blown curled bangs were not a good look for me.

I'm lucky my parents didn't put me up for adoption I was so unattractive.

Posted by: Circe | September 19, 2007 04:49 AM

I had a psychotic Laura Ingells dress in brown.

Posted by: Maria | September 19, 2007 08:11 AM

I like how your grandma's stretch velour outfit is SO hip-hop right now. She's either someone's grandma from 1990, or a rapper's girlfriend of 2007. As Tyra would say, "she looks FIERCE."

Posted by: Cassiopeia | September 19, 2007 10:23 AM

Ummm. Monday is the day after Sunday. Did you and Cookie drink so much that you forgot? You can't leave for months, come back, promise things, and then leave again. You just can't!

Posted by: Jen | September 19, 2007 11:21 AM

Yeah! I agree with Jen! I sure hope the internet didn't divorce you again. You probably nagged it till it left, didn't you? Make sure you tell the blogs it isn't their fault.

Posted by: Kate | September 19, 2007 11:37 AM

Ah, the memories. Please please PLEEEEEEASE can we have a reader contest of fugtastic pictures? We could send in our worst, vote on them, and get...something. Or nothing. I don't know; whatever you want. Can you imagine the hilarity? I would totally humilate myself for that, and believe you me, I've got some good shit.

Posted by: Kida | September 19, 2007 12:34 PM

OMG!! Kida! I love your idea. I too would pimp out my hideous history of fashion shame if I could win fame and fortune on the internets! Or a missdoxie doodle of my dog! Yes! Yes! Yes please!

Posted by: me | September 19, 2007 03:25 PM

Today is Wednesday! Liar!

But I'm sure you have a very good excuse. Love you anyway.

Posted by: madeleine | September 19, 2007 03:58 PM

That must have been one hell of a drink with Cookie...did you make her wait to long the other day...did she kick your ass or something.

Posted by: Amy | September 19, 2007 04:48 PM

Wow. Even when you were so young, the harbinger of the beautiful woman you've become was evident. It's a good thing you lost the braces, though. They would have kept you on the B list.

Posted by: Suzy Q | September 19, 2007 07:04 PM

book of numbers old testament

Posted by: zxgdwjkdcb | September 20, 2007 12:49 PM

I'm a totally new addict to your site but where are you?? It's Thursday!!

Posted by: Michelle | September 20, 2007 02:08 PM

Thanks for sharing those pics, and keep 'em coming. I can almost smell the my little ponies.

Posted by: Jennie | September 20, 2007 02:13 PM

I smell My Little Ponies as well, but not as strongly as I smell: Strawberry Shortcake, Popples, Jem and the Holograms, SheRa/HeMan, Voltron, GI Joe, Goldie Girl, The Smurfs, Richie Rich (what was with the terrible alliteration in 80s cartoons?) Thundercats (HO! Oh, OH!!!! Quick bit of trivia from yer old pal MissBanshee: Panthro on Thundercats was voiced by none other than Russell "Grandpa" Huxtable from the Cosby Show.

The More You Learn...And it is truly One To Grow On.

PS: I still remember the smell from my Princess Leia soap from the Return of the Jedi product tsunami.

Posted by: missbanshee | September 20, 2007 05:35 PM

I had that exact same blue calico-y dress with the lace and velvet trim. I thought it was the most beautiful thing in the entire world and I was so depressed when I outgrew it. I wonder where my mom got it. It must have come from the Sears catalog or something. I remember a terrible incident wherein I stained part of the lace with port wine flavored cheeseball at my grandparents' anual Christmas party.

Posted by: Wide Lawns | September 20, 2007 07:06 PM

I'm jonesin' here.

Posted by: Amy | September 21, 2007 05:21 AM

Bo eat Miss Doxie?

Posted by: ginger | September 21, 2007 02:20 PM

Uh-oh, I hope the Internets are not locking you out again! I was away this week with no internet access and thought I would find a few new posts! Please, Internet Gods, give us back our Miss Doxie!

Posted by: Mauigirl | September 22, 2007 11:38 PM

PS: and a reader contest of fugtastic pics would rock. Mostly because I would win, but hey...

Posted by: Jen | September 24, 2007 12:59 PM

In the picture with the Weejuns (we wore LL Bean camp mocs incidentally, and yes I had a pair) it looks like Ziz stole your hair crimper.

Posted by: marybindc | September 24, 2007 12:59 PM

It is all kinds of wrong that your hair in the first "jaundice" picture is BETTER than any hairdo I have had IN MY ENTIRE LIFE and I'm 34 years old. Excuse me while I go lie down in front of a bus...

Posted by: Jen | September 24, 2007 01:00 PM

Oh, do I feel your pain, Doxie. I had a dress that my former middle school classmates STILL refer to as my "Holly Hobby" dress. And I'm 38 now. The Holly Hobby dress lives in infamy.

Oh, and YEAH...Freud was right! Holy crap-o-ly, does Dukay ever look like your dad!

You crack me up! Even in your homeliest stage, with braces, crimped hair, and bad fashion sense, you were still a looker!

NEED BO PICTURES! Pleeeeeeeaaaassseeeee?!?

Posted by: Leesavee | September 24, 2007 09:24 PM

Leigh, words cannot express how wonderful it is to see you blogging again, and Thank God that your Dad is doing better!
The Avon lady called my Mom once to ask if she was aware that my wardrobe was not appropriate for a 5th grader to wear through town (pop. 800).
I thought I was the epitome of bohemian chic. Avon lady thought I had lost my friggin' mind.
Mom just thought it was hilarious! My Mom Rocked!
I still dress myself in a manner that embarrasses my family and friends, but now I do it from sheer spite and not ignorance.
Welcome back!!! Never leave us again!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Blabsalot | September 25, 2007 02:06 AM

Jesus, that must have been one hell of a drink!!!!

Either that or maybe Ginger is right and Bo did eat you?

Posted by: Anne Prince | September 25, 2007 09:21 AM

Are you gone again? Please say it isn't so! Love your blog and missed the months you were gone! Please come back ... again!

Posted by: Auntie Dree | September 25, 2007 12:26 PM

SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK - AND WITH A VENGENCE!!

You wanna' talk 80's fashion? Okay, you made me.

There's a picture of me (in The Album We Show TO Nobody) sportin' an oversized pink and white striped sweater paired with stretchy white stirrup pants tucked into pink slouch socks and pink leather high tops. Oh and, hair? Wait for it.....

Mullet.

Posted by: Stephanie | September 25, 2007 09:03 PM

The family photo shoot oh the I shudder at the thought. It does remind me of a generic youth pastor family pic though. I think if the law thing does not work out you really should consider late night sit com or porn screen writing.

Posted by: Bob | October 21, 2007 02:58 AM

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