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Momma Tried

June 13, 2007

Phone: Ring.

Miss Doxie: Hellooo?

Mother of Miss Doxie: YOU are NOT my DAUGHTER anyMORE.

Miss Doxie: What? Why? What'd I do? Did you find out about the New Orleans thing?!

Mother of Miss Doxie: WHAT NEW ORLEANS THING.

Miss Doxie: Um. Nothing. I was...talking to an invisible person right then. Anyway, what did I do?

Mother of Miss Doxie: What did you DO? What do you THINK--

Miss Doxie: Ohhhh. So, Bo.

Mother of Miss Doxie: YES BO.

Miss Doxie: Sigh. What happened?

Mother of Miss Doxie: I took him to the vet. Like you ASKED. As a FAVOR to you, while you are off doing whatever the hell it is that you DO all day...

Miss Doxie: That would be "being an attorney," but you know. Continue.

Mother of Miss Doxie: ...AND, you failed to mention that Bo? Upon being taken to the vet? Would engage in retaliatory action.

Miss Doxie: Oh, shit...

Mother of Miss Doxie: EXACTLY.

Miss Doxie: I forgot. Yeah, he gets pissed.

Mother of Miss Doxie: No, not so much "pissed..."

Miss Doxie: Really? Oh, you totally got off easy!

Mother of Miss Doxie: WHAT?

Miss Doxie: Nothing! Nothing, I was talking to...a client. Anyway. Go on.

Mother of Miss Doxie: It was like performance art. I hate you.

Miss Doxie: What happened, exactly?

Mother of Miss Doxie: So, the vet was checking his tooth, to see which one was bothering him. And the vet found it, and he looked at it, and then he turned to talk to me about it...

Miss Doxie: Oooh, you don't turn your back on Bo. Much like the ocean.

Mother of Miss Doxie: ...AAAAAND, that was when Bo turned around, and violently expelled the contents of his anal glands all over...oh, everything in the world.

Miss Doxie: Oh, eewwwwww.

Mother of Miss Doxie: HE'D BEEN SAVING UP.

Miss Doxie: Oh, he's like a fucking camel with those things.

Mother of Miss Doxie: SO WE NOTICED.

Miss Doxie: And, he only uses them for evil! Like an octopus, escaping a pred--

Mother of Miss Doxie: MAY I FINISH.

Miss Doxie: Um. Yes.

Mother of Miss Doxie: So, ALL HELL breaks loose, and we had to open the door for oxygen...

Miss Doxie: Oh, dude. You never open the door.

Mother of Miss Doxie: LIKE I WAS SAYING, WE HAD TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR OXYGEN...

Miss Doxie: And he made a run for Cuba?

Mother of Miss Doxie: Fortunately, he only made it to the front lobby.

Miss Doxie: Close enough.

Mother of Miss Doxie: Where he proceeded to take a TREMENDOUS SHIT, directly in front of the reception desk, and in plain view of all of the horrified people in the waiting room.

Miss Doxie: Um. Hee?

Mother of Miss Doxie: You are SO FUCKING DISOWNED.

Miss Doxie: Hee. Hee! Oh, I'm sorry. He does that.

Mother of Miss Doxie: He does that? He uses poop as a political statement? Like a bumper sticker or campaign contribution?

Miss Doxie: Oh, it is one of his favorite tricks. I'm shocked that the vet hasn't added a note to his file.

Mother of Miss Doxie: Like "DANGER: SHITS!"?

Miss Doxie: Where Bo is concerned, those are words to live by.

Mother of Miss Doxie: Well, I cannot even believe you didn't warn me about this.

Miss Doxie: I'm sorry! I thought you'd...assume, or something. Knowing Bo and all.

Mother of Miss Doxie: Right. Right, I'm going to guess that your dog is going to violently expel the contents of his bowels all over creation before making a calculated escape attempt, thereby transforming the vet's office into a well-lit episode of Prison Break.

Miss Doxie: Please, like that is unheard of with this creature. You've known of his evil for eight years, Mom.

Mother of Miss Doxie: Still. I think you need to warn people. Get him a customized collar or something. Something like, "WARNING: POOPS WHEN LIVID."

Miss Doxie: Maybe I can get it on one of those Med-Alert bracelets! Or, it would make an awesome tee shirt.

Mother of Miss Doxie: It's the least you could do! Think of the children.

Miss Doxie: I know, I know. Listen, I'm sorry. I'll bring you a nice bottle of wine, okay?

Mother of Miss Doxie: Hmph.

Miss Doxie: And, like...some disinfectant?

Mother of Miss Doxie: Hmm. Okay.

Miss Doxie: So, am I still disowned?

Mother of Miss Doxie: That's going to depend on what kind of wine you bring.

Miss Doxie: So noted.

Mother of Miss Doxie: And whatever the hell it is that you did in New Orleans.


Posted by doxie in The Dogs (Or, Poop) | permalink

69 Comments

Oh, your poor mom! But, to be fair, I'm fairly new around here and I still knew as soon as I saw the words "Bo" and "vet" that there would be massive amounts of poop involved.

I would love to see that tee shirt.

Posted by: Audrey | June 13, 2007 06:02 PM

The Mad Pooper. Yes.

And you were quite right. She should have known.

Posted by: Laurabelle | June 13, 2007 06:14 PM

Yeeessss! I love Bo vs. the Vet stories. Maybe because Bo fights dirty and always wins. Did you ask your mom if she checked her car seats for any...surprises?

Posted by: Kanigget | June 13, 2007 06:31 PM

"WARNING: POOPS WHEN LIVID."

Your Mom is hilarious.

Posted by: Chollyson | June 13, 2007 06:36 PM

OMIGOD. I so needed that laugh-a-thon today. Draining the anal sacs only gives me a hint of how awful that was for your mom. Poor thing! (Though I'm still snickering at my desk...)

Posted by: Hillary | June 13, 2007 06:47 PM

Very funny story. Very gross, too, but still funny!

Posted by: Scott | June 13, 2007 06:51 PM

So that's where you get it.

Posted by: DarthParadox | June 13, 2007 07:13 PM

I thought you would be 'erected" from your family when you talked about the "long and short" of the issues at hand... and the "sudden urges" that come along with not being able "to go" with your hearts deepest desires...

or something like that.

Posted by: Boomer | June 13, 2007 07:17 PM

Note to self: Keep my doggie away from doxies who may teach her to shit all over creation. ;) Her incessant barking at the vet is bad enough!

And she also does that mad dash for Cuba thing. Haven't she and Bo learned yet that American pooches aren't welcome there? Now, if they'd head for Key West instead, I'm sure Miss Doxie and I would join them on their travels...

Posted by: Pley | June 13, 2007 07:17 PM

Dude, that is mother-love, right there, that she's even still speaking to you.

Posted by: Mir | June 13, 2007 07:22 PM

I laughed so hard I am sore.... sorry. . but don't tell me you really didn't remember that one minor detail??

Posted by: rho | June 13, 2007 07:36 PM

What a showman Bo is! Our mini schnauzer used to enjoy pooping at people, too.

Posted by: Gretchen | June 13, 2007 07:58 PM

but didn't you write not so long ago that Bo was always a total angel for your mom, and that she didn't believe you about his evilness? Who's laughing now?!

Posted by: Cat, Galloping | June 13, 2007 08:16 PM

ROTFLMAO!! That was great!!! :D

Posted by: Jon (was) in Michigan | June 13, 2007 08:28 PM

Oh my GAWD, your mother for the ever-lovin' win!!!

Posted by: Charity Froggenhall | June 13, 2007 08:29 PM

Oh christ, I think I sprained something reading this.

Posted by: Chris | June 13, 2007 08:37 PM

How 'bout a Doxie new note card? "Sorry I shit on you when I was livid." Could be perfect for many, many situations — even ones that don't involve literal shit.

Posted by: Susan | June 13, 2007 08:49 PM

I'm not sure when I'm going to stop chuckling at this one!

Posted by: shy me | June 13, 2007 08:52 PM

I was reading your archives all morning [again! stalker...I am...treatment isn't working..hee] and was thrilled to come home and see a NEW entry! WOOHOO! Margaritas on Wednesday or St. Patrick's day in June or my new issue of InStyle showed up hah! whatevah....WOOHOOO....

Didn't your Dad tell your Mom about the time you two had to take Bo to the vet for [either] the sprained leg or one stitch...doesn't she remember THAT? Oh, my Mom has the most selective memory in the world and I am sure that your Mom has forgotten those things...giggle...My Mom forgets everything my brother ever did and then acts surprised that he does it again....Perhaps Bo is the fav' child? [don't tell Ziz...giggle] but you MIGHT want to remind Mom...hey...you all have been there and done THIS....woohoo!

Hugs to you...and a poopy bag, one full roll of paper towel, a bottle of oxyclean [rocks...fellow dox owner] and a big bottle of Guerlain, with powder and lotion...for your Momma...

Posted by: SkippyMom | June 13, 2007 09:01 PM

"WARNING: POOPS WHEN LIVID."

Hahahah! Thank you for the laugh. Your poor mom... Those anal glands are nasty things indeed.

Posted by: Zee | June 13, 2007 09:45 PM

Oh my freaking Gosh! I cannot stop laughing - my dogs are looking at me like I have three heads. I am so glad that my dogs don't punish me like that.

And yes, that would make a great t-shirt.

Posted by: Megan | June 13, 2007 10:02 PM

I am quite familiar with the spite-pooping capabilities of dogus weinerus. I prefer the more alliterative WARNING: POOPS WHEN PISSED.

Posted by: Sparrow | June 13, 2007 11:14 PM

I SO want one of the tee shirts! Maybe a whole line? Like "FFFPPPTTT when squeezed"
That's how my Ariel shows affection.
Happy to see you back around too. We miss you went you're away.
christa

Posted by: whitewingedcat | June 13, 2007 11:30 PM

Oh dude - your poor mamma! If Georgia didn't have such archaic laws about alcohol, I would send you some of California's finest.

And the medic-alert dog collars would be a FINE addition to the Shop Doxie inventory. I need one for my basset hound's deadly gas problem. Maybe in a pink and brown paisley? Get on that in your spare time, mm-kay?

Posted by: catherino | June 13, 2007 11:34 PM

I'm not sure what you did in New Orleans, but you better get'cho mama a magnum bottle of wine!

Posted by: la cubana gringa | June 13, 2007 11:47 PM

Hilarious! Thanks for such a good laugh, and sore sides.

Posted by: Hol | June 13, 2007 11:57 PM

My doxie Franklin got pinned by another dog once and expelled the contents of his anal glands. All over the furniture.

We have since started doing "preventative maintenance"

Posted by: Captain Laura | June 14, 2007 12:08 AM

Haha oh Leigh, your poor mother. Though, truly, even the internets know what to expect of Bo ;-) Hope it's a good wine!
Ooh you should recommend me a good wine. That is not a million dollars. Would ya could ya? :D

Posted by: Heather | June 14, 2007 12:49 AM

Dachshund anal gland yuckiness? Isn't that stuff toxic for 250 bazillion years or something? Maybe killed the dinosaurs?
Too flippin' funny! Keep them Wiener Dog stories coming.....

Posted by: Sharon | June 14, 2007 01:24 AM

Oh, your poor momma ... I can imagine Bo with a self-satisfied little smirk on his face after having carried out his heinous act. You so need to add that medic alert dog collar - pretty please?

Posted by: ysabelkid | June 14, 2007 05:23 AM

Leigh

Everytime my 12 yr old doxie sees a suitcase in the bedroom, she gets up on the bed and pees...........through all the bedding and the mattress pad!!!! EVERYTIME!

I almost think poop would be better!

Thanks for the laughs!!!

jp

Posted by: jp | June 14, 2007 08:10 AM

Just took my cat to the vet yesterday. She was LIVID and actually lunged for the vet at one point (he jumped; I stifled a laugh)...but she hasn't resorted to Anger-Pooping yet.

I've never owned a dog & I'm actually a little scared/confused about this talk of anal glands. What are they? What are they for? What comes out of there? Do I even want to know?

Posted by: jive turkey | June 14, 2007 08:30 AM

Bottle o' wine? I think you owe her an entire barrel. Not only for the Bo "incident(s)" of ass expellation (is that even a word?), but also for passing on to you the awesome gene of FUNNY.

Posted by: Luck O' the Irish | June 14, 2007 09:47 AM

Ha! So very funny. Yes, a barrel of wine would be nice.

Posted by: Amie | June 14, 2007 10:36 AM

Luckily we haven't experienced that with Ralphie at the vet yet, but he does leave massive angry butt messes in the kitchen whenever we have the nerve to put him on time out, because, seriously, why would we even have carpeting if we didn't want him to eat it?

More Bo stories, please!

Posted by: Hanna | June 14, 2007 10:47 AM

Now I want to know whatever the hell it is you did in New Orleans too!

I hope she re-owned you. I'm sure it took some convincing.

Posted by: Jessie | June 14, 2007 12:29 PM

Bo needs a muzzle for his nether region.

Posted by: texeads | June 14, 2007 02:30 PM

hehhehhhehhe..poops when livid. WAY to funny. That Bo dog....he is the sh*ts! (sorry, couldn't help myself.) New Orleans? What DID you do?????

Posted by: Kim | June 14, 2007 02:40 PM

Jive Turkey - You're definitely going to want to a) click on both the embedded (hysterical) stories b) GOOGLE anal gland expression. Without a full stomach.

Miss Doxie - The livid poop stories are why I check here....every blessed day. That and the Things you Did in Atlanta stories.

Posted by: Maya | June 14, 2007 03:07 PM

My sister's dachshund NEEDS the "Warning: Poops when livid" t-shirt.

He is quite the spite pooper.


You and your mom? Hilarious!

Posted by: J. | June 14, 2007 04:37 PM

I came across your blog randomly today and I just have to say that this story made me laugh so hard. I was quite entertained. :)

Posted by: katelin | June 14, 2007 07:10 PM

OK, the tshirts are a MUST for the shop!
I have cats (miss having dogs) - one of mine poops when scared. And when I say "poops", what I really mean is "squirts butt contents all over tail, legs, cat carrier, and tshirt of whoever is stupid enough to handle cat." Those "Poops when scared/livid/pissed" tshirts would definitely make great petwear!

Posted by: Gretchen2 | June 14, 2007 07:30 PM

The spite poop must be a dachshund trait. Mine does it every single time we go to a pet store. They know me there. They hand me papertowels as I walk in. Its very sad. I would definitely purchase the t-shirt.

Posted by: Icleanpooptoo | June 14, 2007 08:22 PM

Oh, I love the Bo stories. They always leave me in tears. Sorry about the poo ... but love the stories!

Posted by: stephanie | June 14, 2007 09:51 PM

OMG.. If your mom really dropped the F bomb, then that was the funniest story ever. And if she didn't, still the funniest story ever, actually. I'm so glad that my cat, Emma, only throws up on occasion. God that was fucking hilarious. But I think you owe your mom at least 2 bottles of wine. And maybe one for the vet. :)

Posted by: Angel | June 14, 2007 10:17 PM

Oh christ, I think I sprained something reading this.

Posted by: Chris | June 13, 2007 08:37 PM

When reading this comment I thought it said,"stained something" oh my gawd,I about stained something laughing at that!!!

By the way, I just received my little package of goodies from your store, you are hands down the best at making pretty wrappings for your awesome stuff!!! thanks I love it all.

Posted by: Birdaah | June 15, 2007 12:02 AM

Bo is my hero.

Hell! How 'bout "Bo for President"? Woot!
One of his slogans could be "The one who don't put up with no shit!" or "Mess with me and the shit will fly!"

Posted by: cindie | June 15, 2007 07:19 AM

How do I love Bo?
Let me count the ways.

Posted by: Jazz | June 15, 2007 08:18 AM

Funny! So what did you do in New Orleans?

Posted by: Maria | June 15, 2007 11:19 AM

Your MOM said the Eff-word??? WOW!!!

Posted by: Bunny Bunster | June 15, 2007 11:31 AM

hahahahahaha! my mum bred minaiture long haired daxons/daschunds they are smarter and more evil than people can possibly imagine! They are also about the only pocket sized pooches i like, otherwise i go for bigger dogs.

Posted by: adele/toast | June 15, 2007 12:49 PM

De-lurking to say that was hysterical. My Doxie, Marlee, peed on the vet (a lot! You can't believe how much a doxie can hold in their little bodies!)

Posted by: DonnaLu | June 15, 2007 01:33 PM

I poop when livid too. And that mom of yours makes me miss mine even more because that conversation is TOTALLY one she and I could have had.

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | June 15, 2007 02:24 PM

ACK! The second time we took our doxies to Petsmart, Billy realesed every demon inside of him right in the middle of the MAIN AISLE. My husband who had both of the leashes went RUNNING to leave me to clean it up.

Another time we were walking them and a rotweiler got off his leash my husband grabbed Tommy before the rotweiler could get to us. While we were waiting for the owner to get his dog we noticed a bad smell. Tommy had POOPED while my husband was holding him, and it was balancing on yellow curb.

Posted by: courtney | June 15, 2007 04:56 PM

When my angry little dachshund expells his anal glands, we refer to it as "butt-juicing"...as in, "OMG, he just butt-juiced the couch!" There is no doubt; it is a political statement, and a recent political statement by my Roscoe rendered my car undriveable for nearly a week! It was a vaccination protest.

Re: the comment by Jive Turkey, the cat owner who has blessedly been spared the experience of angry anal glands...you don't want to know. There is no smell more horrible. Worse than rotting corpses doused in spoiled milk. Bad enough to make a Southern lady say the "eff" word. And that's BAD.

Doxie, you are such a tease! Give up the New Orleans story...and the story about the geese!

Posted by: Leesavee | June 15, 2007 08:16 PM

Shame on Bo! But given his history, as soon as I got to "I took him to the vet", I started shaking my head.

Your poor mother.

Posted by: Melissa | June 15, 2007 09:32 PM

I've had a rotten week and this completely just made my night. My apologies to your mother...

Everyone keeps posting about the POOPS WHEN LIVID thing, I like the "DANGER: SHITS!"? better. LOL

Posted by: Stacy | June 15, 2007 11:03 PM

We can both thank Jazz for directing me this way. This is something beyond a masterful post.

Damn.

Posted by: Jocelyn | June 15, 2007 11:44 PM

I agree with Susan -I'd buy a ton of "Sorry I shit on you when I was livid" cards. LOL!!!!!

Posted by: Miss Kriss | June 16, 2007 12:54 AM

Agreed with the other commenters. I thought it was common knowledge that Bo's line of defense is as follows:

1.) Expelling of Anal Glands.
2.) RunRunRun
3.) Poop.
4.) Growlspeak.

Because Bo? Bo = Bipolar

But in a CUTE way!

Anyway, also wanted to say hello (hi!) and that yay! since you updated and woo-hoo! since my payment FINALLY cleared and all that stuff from shopdoxie will be FINALLY coming to be into my greedy, greedy little hands. I am so THRILLED so yay! (And also, this is my berry first comment on your site, so woot! to that as well!)

Posted by: Jess | June 16, 2007 05:28 AM

OMG! Way to funny!! Your poor mother! I hope that she got the anal gland smell out of her clothes! That sh*t is nasty! haha!!

Posted by: Jolene | June 16, 2007 07:32 PM

OMG! Way to funny!! Your poor mother! I hope that she got the anal gland smell out of her clothes! That sh*t is nasty! haha!!

Posted by: Jolene | June 16, 2007 07:32 PM

OMG! Way to funny!! Your poor mother! I hope that she got the anal gland smell out of her clothes! That sh*t is nasty! haha!!

Posted by: Jolene | June 16, 2007 07:33 PM

A classic post. This is why we all love you.

Posted by: Scottie | June 16, 2007 08:25 PM

Was wondering if you've seen this:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007270731,00.html

Posted by: dave | June 16, 2007 11:48 PM

Still laughing over here!

opps think I peed my pants!!


oh dear new t-shirt in the making...

Posted by: jennifer Walton | June 16, 2007 11:51 PM

Still laughing over here!

opps think I peed my pants!!


oh dear new t-shirt in the making...

Posted by: jennifer Walton | June 16, 2007 11:51 PM

I remember that our old dog didn't rely on bowel movements to fend off the vets because she scared herself whenever she farted. (Really. Sweet dog, but somewhat unprepared for rocket science.)

So she would instead lie down on her back and cry. Since she weighed 85 pounds, this made getting her to the vet tricky. Picking up a crying, uncooperative mass like that usually threw out someone's back the next day. Fortunately, given that this hound actually ate tinfoil without ill effects, trips to the vet were mercifully rare.

Posted by: Hubbard | June 16, 2007 11:55 PM

Wonderful though they are, doxies invaritably revert to the "evil weiner" category. Genetics.

Posted by: Zella | June 17, 2007 03:40 PM

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