With So Many Apologies To David Sedaris
I have been traveling for an extraordinarily long time, and in fact, I am still not home, and may never see my family again. I have no idea where I am; I have no recollection of how I got here. All I know is, I have had to get up at 4 a.m. every morning for many days now, and I am not sure I remember where my office is anymore. Which doesn't really explain what is about to follow, but you know. I just felt like bitching there for a second. (Someone! Come and find me and send me home! Thank you.)
Anyway, in the course of my many travels, I ended up in a car with Cookie and someone who spoke French. We began the conversation under the impression that all three people in the car spoke French, but about sixteen seconds in, it became abundantly apparent that: No. Only one person in that car spoke French, and that person was most definitely NOT Cookie or me, but was instead the highly-entertained third party, who was happy to translate our completely fucked-up conversation with unrestrained glee.
Of course, it was like our own little (far-less funny) Me Talk Pretty One Day-moment, and it had us all doubled over in our seats in laughter, which is probably why we ended up missing our exit and all and why we have to live along the side of the road in a BOX now, but THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, the point being that: I took notes. Because I do that. Because I'm a huge, enormous nerd.
So! Until I am back in civilization, which I sincerely, sincerely hope will happen tomorrow, here is the transcribed and translated conversation of Doxie and Cookie, two people who were, up to the moment the translation began, somewhat convinced that we were at least able to speak a FEW French phrases. At least the thing about the pen of our aunts. But...no.
So, anyway. Enjoy that we are dumb! Have fun! And then, COME FIND ME. I am in a box.
Person Who Can Speak French: (conversation conversation conversation) And, I can speak French.
Doxie: But yes? I are too speaking the Frenching for many seasons!
Cookie: I am also speaking of French for some eras. From when I danced in a ballerina.
Doxie: I was taking the lessons of France from a school when I was shorter.
Cookie: One time, we went to a France and eated the fishes.
Doxie: Oh! Of the fishes! The fishes were good for the eats?
Cookie: BUT NO. The fishes were not warm with the cooking for the eats. They were not the dead fishes.
Doxie: The fishes was swimming?!
Cookie: Yes, yes! The fishes was moving in a moving way.
Doxie: That is some shit on a plate on the table in front of me.
Cookie: It made the Spam ill to himself.
Doxie: I also would be ill to myself, if I too eated the fishes of movement.
Cookie: In a France, the platter of the seafood is not like one that is at the Lobster Red.
Doxie: Because the fishes be swimming more?
Cookie: Because there is not the frying for them.
Doxie: I am love the frying of the fishes and of the chickens. When I am of France, I am ordering of a sandwich.
Cookie: Sandwich is not move.
Doxie: Yes, is right. Sandwich dead.
Cookie: Very beautiful!
Doxie: It is of the critical to take the care when making an order of food in a France.
Cookie: This Spam has learned.
Doxie: Well, this my father was learned when he got himself a brain.
Cookie: Your father getted a brain? In the head?
Doxie: He getted a brain in the stomach! He thought of a brain to be chicken! But no.
Cookie: Oh, that is the BAD.
Doxie: It is the terrible! He was happy not.
Cookie: If they bringed me a brain and not one chicken, I would make the vomit on the table.
Doxie: I would also make the vomit on the table, on the plate of that shit.
Cookie: Beside the plate of the fish of movement, but next to the pen of my aunt.
Doxie: Why will the pen of my aunt be about the table? Where aunt is?
Cookie: Um. My aunt eated the dinner with you? I am only knowing the way that is to say, "the pen of my aunt is on the table."
Doxie: Okay, this is sense. I think of how us should go to a France together one time!
Cookie: And drinking all the wine?
Doxie: But yes! And drinking all the wine of the France!
Cookie: I will make all the talking!
Doxie: This idea, it is yes. But let us not take the aunt.
Y'all have a good day! I will be back as soon as I figure out where in ther HOLY FUCK I AM. And for everyone's sake, let's all pray the locals don't speak French.
Oh, P.S. and all: I forgot! I also went to another place, which was significantly nicer than my box on the side of the road -- Gee and Al got all married in South Carolina, and it was gorgeous. If you are vaguely masochistic, we took waaaaay too many pictures of the ensuing debauchery, all of which can be viewed in a sleep-deprived photoset here. (If you click on a picture in the set? The caption shows up! I learned this!) And you have my express permission to laugh at my hair.