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With So Many Apologies To David Sedaris

May 14, 2007

I have been traveling for an extraordinarily long time, and in fact, I am still not home, and may never see my family again. I have no idea where I am; I have no recollection of how I got here. All I know is, I have had to get up at 4 a.m. every morning for many days now, and I am not sure I remember where my office is anymore. Which doesn't really explain what is about to follow, but you know. I just felt like bitching there for a second. (Someone! Come and find me and send me home! Thank you.)

Anyway, in the course of my many travels, I ended up in a car with Cookie and someone who spoke French. We began the conversation under the impression that all three people in the car spoke French, but about sixteen seconds in, it became abundantly apparent that: No. Only one person in that car spoke French, and that person was most definitely NOT Cookie or me, but was instead the highly-entertained third party, who was happy to translate our completely fucked-up conversation with unrestrained glee.

Of course, it was like our own little (far-less funny) Me Talk Pretty One Day-moment, and it had us all doubled over in our seats in laughter, which is probably why we ended up missing our exit and all and why we have to live along the side of the road in a BOX now, but THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, the point being that: I took notes. Because I do that. Because I'm a huge, enormous nerd.

So! Until I am back in civilization, which I sincerely, sincerely hope will happen tomorrow, here is the transcribed and translated conversation of Doxie and Cookie, two people who were, up to the moment the translation began, somewhat convinced that we were at least able to speak a FEW French phrases. At least the thing about the pen of our aunts. But...no.

So, anyway. Enjoy that we are dumb! Have fun! And then, COME FIND ME. I am in a box.

Person Who Can Speak French: (conversation conversation conversation) And, I can speak French.

Doxie: But yes? I are too speaking the Frenching for many seasons!

Cookie: I am also speaking of French for some eras. From when I danced in a ballerina.

Doxie: I was taking the lessons of France from a school when I was shorter.

Cookie: One time, we went to a France and eated the fishes.

Doxie: Oh! Of the fishes! The fishes were good for the eats?

Cookie: BUT NO. The fishes were not warm with the cooking for the eats. They were not the dead fishes.

Doxie: The fishes was swimming?!

Cookie: Yes, yes! The fishes was moving in a moving way.

Doxie: That is some shit on a plate on the table in front of me.

Cookie: It made the Spam ill to himself.

Doxie: I also would be ill to myself, if I too eated the fishes of movement.

Cookie: In a France, the platter of the seafood is not like one that is at the Lobster Red.

Doxie: Because the fishes be swimming more?

Cookie: Because there is not the frying for them.

Doxie: I am love the frying of the fishes and of the chickens. When I am of France, I am ordering of a sandwich.

Cookie: Sandwich is not move.

Doxie: Yes, is right. Sandwich dead.

Cookie: Very beautiful!

Doxie: It is of the critical to take the care when making an order of food in a France.

Cookie: This Spam has learned.

Doxie: Well, this my father was learned when he got himself a brain.

Cookie: Your father getted a brain? In the head?

Doxie: He getted a brain in the stomach! He thought of a brain to be chicken! But no.

Cookie: Oh, that is the BAD.

Doxie: It is the terrible! He was happy not.

Cookie: If they bringed me a brain and not one chicken, I would make the vomit on the table.

Doxie: I would also make the vomit on the table, on the plate of that shit.

Cookie: Beside the plate of the fish of movement, but next to the pen of my aunt.

Doxie: Why will the pen of my aunt be about the table? Where aunt is?

Cookie: Um. My aunt eated the dinner with you? I am only knowing the way that is to say, "the pen of my aunt is on the table."

Doxie: Okay, this is sense. I think of how us should go to a France together one time!

Cookie: And drinking all the wine?

Doxie: But yes! And drinking all the wine of the France!

Cookie: I will make all the talking!

Doxie: This idea, it is yes. But let us not take the aunt.


Y'all have a good day! I will be back as soon as I figure out where in ther HOLY FUCK I AM. And for everyone's sake, let's all pray the locals don't speak French.

Oh, P.S. and all: I forgot! I also went to another place, which was significantly nicer than my box on the side of the road -- Gee and Al got all married in South Carolina, and it was gorgeous. If you are vaguely masochistic, we took waaaaay too many pictures of the ensuing debauchery, all of which can be viewed in a sleep-deprived photoset here. (If you click on a picture in the set? The caption shows up! I learned this!) And you have my express permission to laugh at my hair.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


I love you and want to have your babies, but not in a literal way. Figuratively.

Posted by: Susan | May 14, 2007 01:10 PM

HA! I'm just trying to imagine this conversation *avec le vin*. Tu es tres amusant Mademoiselle Doxie.

Posted by: catherino | May 14, 2007 01:14 PM

Mr. Sedaris would've been proud and probably would have been following right along.

Now, I understand you are living in your box, but I wonder, what has happened to your doxies??? They must miss you very much. Couldn't they be released into the wild (or urban-ness) to start sniffing for your scent? I'm sure they'd find you someday.

Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | May 14, 2007 01:24 PM

dear lord - I laughed so hard I thought I was going into labour. I went through french immersion and I can fully imagine having this conversation... come back soon.

Posted by: lindsay | May 14, 2007 01:44 PM

"Doxie: Well, this my father was learned when he got himself a brain.

Cookie: Your father getted a brain? In the head?

Doxie: He getted a brain in the stomach! He thought of a brain to be chicken! But no.

Cookie: Oh, that is the BAD."

Priceless! I laughed so hard!

Posted by: Lydia | May 14, 2007 01:48 PM

That is some shit on a plate on the table in front of me.

I can totally relate to the shit on the plate!!! In France they try to hide stuff under sauces, but we all know, shit is shit.............even w/ sauce on it!!!

You crack me up Doxie!!!

Get yourself out of that box and home soon!!!


Posted by: jp | May 14, 2007 01:55 PM

" I would also make the vomit on the table, on the plate of that shit"

Bwahaha. I almost just choked...

Posted by: katie | May 14, 2007 02:07 PM

hilarious! i'm trying to be all quiet at my office but definitely had two outburts of laughter.. yes i'm doing work... :-)

Posted by: margaux | May 14, 2007 02:41 PM

Goddamn, you're hilarious.

Posted by: whoorl | May 14, 2007 02:51 PM

Somehow the idea of an attorney with a scrambled brain is oddly appealing - and a tad redundant!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | May 14, 2007 02:51 PM

Tears in eyes...I'm laughing so hard here at work. Thank you for making my afternoon worthwhile!

As a similarly fractured French speaker I can so identify. I once had to ask for a contact lens boiler (back in the days when soft lenses had to be sterilized in one) at an optometrist office in Paris. "Avez-vous quelque chose pour bouillir les verres de contacts?"

It took the man at least four times before he deciphered my accent and my words to make sense! I was probably asking for something to boil drinking glasses in close contact or something.

Posted by: Mauigirl52 | May 14, 2007 02:53 PM

Heh I was trying to translate the whole thing backwards. If I don't get some practice soon I think that's what my French will sound like too!

Posted by: Heather | May 14, 2007 03:22 PM

I Googled "funny French phrases" so that I could leave a decent comment and sound cool.

Which means: Drink like a hole. Get smashed. :)

Posted by: DippyChick | May 14, 2007 03:34 PM

Love this post! When I was in Canada last summer, I gave someone directions. In French. I KNOW! Not only did I probably get her lost, I probably sounded remarkably like this conversation. Hope you find your way home soon. Hope you don't have to ask someone like me for directions. :-)

Posted by: Shawnee | May 14, 2007 03:37 PM

I'm pretty sure this is what I sound like when I speak Spanish... which was my MAJOR in college, but I did graduate 7 years ago and haven't practiced since.

Thanks for making me LOL in a classroom full of high school students.

Posted by: Rachel May | May 14, 2007 06:11 PM

I'm with Rachel May - in fact we could probably have the same convo in Espanol....I minored in Spanish, and then went to Spain and talked to people. But it's been nearly a decade since all that happened, and now, I'm not so sure if my conversations would be funny or coherant. I would like to believe both.

Thank you for sharing!

Posted by: amy | May 14, 2007 07:19 PM

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. Oh, my stomach is hurting.

Thanks! Still laughing.

Posted by: Melissa | May 14, 2007 08:11 PM

can't. stop. laughing.

You, my friend, are hilarious.

Posted by: Ashley | May 14, 2007 08:42 PM

Miss Doxie 1, Babelfish 0.

Mon Dieu!

Posted by: sharon | May 14, 2007 09:21 PM

plume de ma tante!!!!!

Posted by: shy me | May 14, 2007 09:26 PM

That is most the funny! :)

Posted by: Stephanie | May 14, 2007 11:08 PM

Les vaches sont belles :D

I have always been mildly amused by the expression "tantpis!" but never remember what it means.

And why can't ones aunts and uncles keep their pens and papers on their own damn desks? Then we wouldn't have to memorize where they were!

Posted by: jean | May 15, 2007 06:57 AM

Ok, I'm a French canadian, and I cound'nt even translate what you just wrote :) I just did an auto translation in google... I think you just wrote a piece of art, in the crazy way that is :)

oh and «tant pis» means something along « forget about it»...

Posted by: Valerie | May 15, 2007 08:47 AM

i also minored in spanish, have traveled in spain and mexico and that's about what my spanish sounds like. although i think it makes more sense than anything i've ever said in spanish.
by the way, i covet your dress from the wedding.

Posted by: alison | May 15, 2007 10:30 AM

Yes, WHERE did you get that dress?

Posted by: Katie | May 15, 2007 10:49 AM

Yes Doxie! PLEASE tell where you got the dress you wore at the wedding. I have a super fancy black tie wedding to attend in a few months and would love to know...

Posted by: Meegan | May 15, 2007 11:16 AM

Beautiful pictures of the wedding. Someone spent some MAJOR bucks on that. You looked beautiful. But, what was with the dog?

Posted by: Janet | May 15, 2007 11:54 AM

Thank you for making me laugh so hard coffee came out my nose! - and as for finding you, why, it couldn't be more simple. Just try to look and smell like a badger and we'll release the wiener dogs - they'll find you tout suite!

Posted by: Pat | May 15, 2007 01:23 PM

Thanks for making me laugh like a wheezing mouse on crack cocaine. You are the funniest human on the planet. And I envy you the entire wedding event, and yet I'm glad you went instead of me, cause vicariously, everything is all glittery and wonderful and I don't have a hangover! Tu sais?

Posted by: Jen | May 15, 2007 05:26 PM

Hey! How cool! You were here, in Beaufort! Nice to visit. Not so fun for cool single chicas to live here. But still TRES COOL you were here!

Posted by: Gretchen | May 15, 2007 05:45 PM

Doxie and Dukay Go to a Wedding is a hilarious photo essay.

Or as you might say, It is the hilarious, but yes?

Posted by: shaxgirl | May 15, 2007 08:14 PM

Now that I've wiped all the coffee off the monitor, two comments:

1) If you haven't seen it already, you need to rent Eddie Izzard's "Dress to Kill" standup routine and watch the bit at the end about speaking French.

2) I came upon this today, and immediately thought of you: http://littera-abactor.livejournal.com/7748.html

Hope you make it home safely! Wine helps!

Posted by: Cobwebs | May 15, 2007 08:21 PM

Oui! Tell us about the dress s'il vous plait!

Posted by: Also curious | May 15, 2007 08:23 PM

the dress! Yes! Oh my god! Even though I cannot wear strapless without looking like a giraffe, I still want to know where you got it. What a beautiful(ly forgiving) cut!

Posted by: Theresa | May 15, 2007 11:17 PM

That dress! From whence did it come! I have a black tie wedding. I NEED IT!

Posted by: slynnro | May 15, 2007 11:27 PM

That was tres funnois and el funneo! Hee!

Posted by: Jessica | May 15, 2007 11:28 PM

OMG! I laughed so hard I made almost the vomit on monitor of the computer.
Keep up the good work!

Posted by: Sharon | May 16, 2007 03:33 AM

The Dress.

No, seriously. I have to go to a very fancy ball in June, and the is the dress I want to wear! (I promise not to stand near you wearing it.) (And I live in England. So really, no problem.)

You look shit hot in dress you wear did. Hair not is bad to look, humidity problem is not.

Posted by: Chryseis | May 16, 2007 04:42 AM

That dress looked so pretty on you Miss Doxie! You must tell us hwere you found it!!!!

Posted by: Brandi | May 16, 2007 10:57 AM

I cannot tell you HOW excited I was to read the title to your post (I totally heart David Sedaris), and then to read that your "Me Talk Pretty One Day" moment was the speaking of the terrible French made my day. That book was the first that EVER made me laugh-out loud, usually in public, 'course, it is by far the funniest book I've ever read.

That book & your post are absolutely hilarious to me, partly b/c I kinda relate b/c I took French in high school & did surprisingly well (did you know there's a FRENCH National Honors Society? Is it better or worse that I made it in to that one, but the "regular" NHS didn't want anything to do w/ me? hmmm...)

My best friend & I would insult each other by calling each other "verte plages" (green beaches). Well, first it was just "plage" (it means beach, get it? Remember we were in HS at the time-we'd get in trouble using the word we wanted to...bitch, if you hadn't gotten that yet ;), so we decided to get a little creative, if you could call it that, & called e.o. plages; we prounounced the translation as "beeches"-lame, I know :). Why on earth we decided green would be a good adjective w/ plage is totally beyond me, but I'm sure it was very thought through and was deep & meaningful-yeah, right.

Other favorites were "piscine" (means swimming pool) and "affiche" (means poster-like you hang on a wall), which we liked to say as "une affiche" b/c it sounds like tuna fish. We also enjoyed telling other people, who knew no French whatsoever, that our pants were made of cheese (why? to sound smart, duh!) We'd say: "ma pantalon est faite du fromage". I just used babel fish to see if that's what it really means & well, it's more like: "my trousers is made of some cheese". I like it!

Posted by: Dana | May 16, 2007 11:20 AM

Well, well, well...I was just asking Lord Sandwich, "Where the devil are those Douchebags?"

I am so old that I actually remember seeing it on live TV. Ugghhhh.

Posted by: IV:XX | May 16, 2007 12:56 PM

prettiest. wedding. ever.

Posted by: Louly | May 16, 2007 05:33 PM

I am completely impressed-- your eloquence with French far exceeds my one remaining French brain cells... I believe I am left with how to say "sheep" and "may I please use the rest room?"

Those two items are not related, by the way.

Thanks for many, many laughs (as always).

Posted by: Thrift Shop Romantic | May 17, 2007 03:57 PM

Those pictures are priceless. Sorry to hear that your hair was eating people...I'm sure they were all drunk and didn't feel a thing. How I long to be invited to a wedding with an open bar....

Posted by: nicole | May 17, 2007 07:29 PM

Let me just say that
1) I have a toddler (that = exhaustion)
2) I just watched the season fianle of ER (that = stress)

I was reading to myself, started to laugh, the husband made me read aloud...I start laughing HYSTERICALLY, tears come out of my eyes...then the sobbing starts. Hysterical, snotty nose, eyes swollen, sobbing. Through my swollen eyes I KEEP READING ALOUD!! It's just too damn funny!!

Ok, deep breath.....calm now....

Thanks for the release, and I swear I don't mean that in a sexual way.

Posted by: Lori Flanders | May 17, 2007 11:39 PM

Lord, I looked at your pictures and had the following thoughts:

1) Damn, I wish I was Southern.
2) Do Southern girls have a gene that makes their makeup impenetrable to humidity? No one there is shiny.
3) Damn, I would like to marry someone who has a plantation in the family. Yowza.

Mmmm, also, thank you for the far-out and hilarious post.

Posted by: Katerkins | May 18, 2007 12:07 PM

I'm of the thanking of you for the funny!

Posted by: Creative Freakin' Genius | May 18, 2007 06:32 PM


Obey the Dachshund!

Posted by: Circe | May 20, 2007 01:37 AM

You better be at least living in a wine box, Mon Dieu!

Posted by: Davey Cole | May 20, 2007 12:09 PM

Funny funny post.....post so overwhelmed by the wedding envy that I am now suffering!!! I want to transplant the big tents to Warwick in November, and make all my friends wear black tie... oh and have a lake... and some trees with bricks... you have created a bridezilla!!

Posted by: Clareuk | May 21, 2007 01:47 PM

I must know where you got the black and white dress for that wedding. SO GORGEOUS!

Thanks again for the laughs!

Posted by: Tana | May 21, 2007 11:01 PM

I love your way with words. Funny stuff.

Great pics. Some serious money involved in that wedding!!

Posted by: daniel | May 22, 2007 09:56 PM

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