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Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! And Other Crap

May 26, 2007

Good...afternoon! I think it is afternoon. I am not wholly sure, but it is my belief that noon has already happened, even if I was not awake to see it. But, that is okay, because it is a holiday weekend! Also, the weekend during which one of my best friends from high school is getting married. That means we haven't had a hell of a lot of sleep. Cocktails, on the other hand, have been plentiful. And nothing stands in the way of my wine, baby.

I really don't have excessive amounts of things for this entry, because it's really more of a head's-up, hello, y'all look at this! kind of thing. Which is atrociously boring, isn't it? But, you know, if I think about it, I bet before I am finished writing all of these words down, something will remind me of something else, and then I will go off on a tangent and we will all be treated to a story about how I fell down/flashed someone/ate something peculiar. Because that is just how I roll. You maybe noticed.

Anyway! SO, here is the latest, in no particular order, and also I am hungry, but nobody can help me there, because the only thing in my refrigerator is mustard:

1. For a variety of issues, most of which stem from my inherent ineptitude and laziness (hi!), I'm extending the sale at my shop. And if I ever get around to it (see: ineptitude, laziness), I will add the new paintings that are sitting in a very colorful stack in the office. We'll see how THAT goes, but you know. When I said all that stuff about three days? Lying through my teeth, apparently. Come flog me!

1(a). I can't stop saying "flogging." Flogging! I have been threatening floggings, describing floggings, and loudly suggesting floggings for days now. How did that get stuck in my head, I wonder? I think maybe the history channel.

1(b). Which doesn't make much sense, actually, now that I think about it, because I haven't been watching the history channel very much lately. No. Instead -- and here we enter into a whole new world of pathetic, I warn you -- I have been staying up all night, or getting up very early, to deal with either (a) the law, or (b) the shop, or (c) any one of ten trillion other things I am trying to get accomplished. And this would suck, except that, every morning, starting at either 6 or 7 a.m. (I think it's 7, but I always forget), some Atlanta channel starts playing back to back episodes of Saved By The Bell. And I...can't help myself. I watch them all, all the way up until they end at 9 a.m. and stupid Dawson's Creek comes on, and that "I don't wanna wait!" starts playing and signifies the end of my television enjoyment, and kills a tiny bit of my soul. And this is just not right, but y'all, I could watch the "I'm so excited!" Jessie Spano caffeine pill meltdown all day long. Like, if it was just that episode over and over, I would be completely satisfied with my life, and would make a little cocoon on the sofa and live there, with the dogs and my personal enjoyment at watching the most unrealistic drug binge of all time. Jessie's so excited? Well, ME TOO. Woo!

2. Hey, should I just go back to bed? I should probably just go back to bed. And forget this entry ever existed. And yet, I forge on.

3. Anyway. Not that you will ever trust my opinion again now that I have told you about my SBTB obsession (did I just abbreviate that? Did), but I have to share something else now. So, pretty much my favorite singer/songwriter is Bill Mallonee, former lead singer of the Vigilantes of Love. And this man is just unreasonably talented, and his lyrics will fucking slay you, every time. If you've never heard of him, I highly, HIGHLY recommend that you check him out, especially if you like pretty music and incredible lyrics (seriously, he references Salome and Pavlov, in the same sentence. Who can do that, without the sentence being, "History contains people named Salome and Pavlov. Have a party!"?) . At any rate, this is his site, and at his mp3 store, you can listen to snippets and download mp3s; and right now, if you have both fingers and speakers, you should go listen to a little bit of Skin (scroll down to the sixth song, and click on the music-y icon). That is my favorite song of ever. It's about Vincent Van Gogh! Cutting off his ear! Ow! But, good!

ANYWAY. More importantly, even, is that Bill is playing a free show on Sunday at the Decatur Arts Festival, and Dukay and I are totally going, even though we are going to smell like liquor, and even though Dukay knows that the possibility exists that I will fall madly in love with this man and offer to have a bucketful of his children. WHATEVER, because that is a small price to pay for a free show, is our thinking. And also, I have always wanted to go to the Decatur Arts Festival. Doesn't it look cool? Si.

SO. If you're in town and not off gallivanting somewhere fun for Memorial Day, you should go! It's at 2 p.m. And you should bring me some wine, please. I will probably need it.

4. That's all I've got, except for one funny thing I just remembered as I was typing (did I say that would happen? Did!), and which occurred last weekend, and which I was reminded of thanks to the roughly ten thousand references to alcohol in this entry. See, we had to make this video. For work. For a sexual harassment training skit. And Cookie, who I used to love but now might have to flog (Floggings!), did all the casting for the script. And guess who she chose for the drunken office slut? Yeah.

For my part, I wore:

1. A very short lace dress I bought at Goodwill for $3 that morning;
2. A hairpiece;
3. Someone's grandma's fur coat (Dear PETA: NOT MINE! NOT MY FUR! DON'T PICKET!);
4. A tiara; and, during certain portions of the video,
5. A lampshade.

The character was really a stretch for me, obviously, as the images below -- which are stills taken directly from our TRAINING video, which will be shown to MANY PEOPLE -- amply demonstrate:

lampshade1.jpg

Obstacles bad!

lampshade2.jpg

But solution good. HI WINE!

Yep. I'm 110% professional! And nothing stands in the way of my wine. Which is precisely how I started this entry. Hi!

So, that is it! Happy Memorial Day, and I hope to see some of y'all on Sunday!

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

47 Comments

But...but...I wanted to be the office slut!

Or. You know. Maybe not. But you do look damn fine in that lamp shade.

Am I hitting on a lawyer in a lamp shade? You bet. This deserves floggings. I shall wait patiently.

Posted by: The Danny | May 26, 2007 03:53 PM

Amen, sistah! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5XnJ0fmo5Q

Posted by: Angie | May 26, 2007 04:23 PM

HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, man, are you ever NOT funny?

Posted by: Jonathan | May 26, 2007 05:14 PM

Hmmm... I am thinking that I have that same hat...

Posted by: Kristin | May 26, 2007 05:48 PM

Here's how to get rid of "floggings". Use ass chapping instead, i.e. "That really chaps my ass.
I'd like to give him/her an ass chapping they'd never forget. Some pschologists (my daughter) say substition behaviors don't work, but I say increase your vocabulary!

Posted by: mackmomma | May 26, 2007 06:36 PM

I would really love to see the training video. Please. If there's any way to post it, please do - at least the section that involves such an ingenious approach to getting wine through a lampshade.

Posted by: Melissa | May 26, 2007 07:13 PM

I am a nutbar!

(This comment has been summarized for your convenience by Miss Doxie.)

Posted by: Crazy Person | May 26, 2007 09:32 PM

Great stories.. but man.. what's with the comment above me?

Posted by: Lydia | May 26, 2007 11:18 PM

Booooo! SPAM sucks! Wine, on the other hand, doesn't! Cheers!

Posted by: Valerie | May 26, 2007 11:38 PM

Finally de- lurking! Heeee, I have just finished reading all of this site, from Day 1. It's like my new favorite. This is practically all I do on the computer now. Doxie, you rock. :-D. I am quoting you to members of my family and now they just whisper to each other, "It's that new blog thing she's into. Just pretend like you know what she's talking about..." Millions of examples.
And, also? It's about 11:40 where I live right now and I am not so much with the sleeping this week, so maybe I not remember so good, but have you told us the story of Gimmme being almost killed by a gaggle of geese? Because it sounds really entertaining.

Posted by: Emily | May 27, 2007 12:42 AM

I don't think I can be more succinct than "What you hear is telepathic theater," so I will not try.

Posted by: June Cutoff Cash | May 27, 2007 02:28 AM

Do you know why I love you? Because you write like a doxie! With all the exclamations! And the sense of urgency! Because... you know what? We're hungry! for more!


Anyway... Yay! Love you!

Posted by: Ezza | May 27, 2007 05:23 AM

Two Doxies in a week? Yay! More paintings available soon? Yay! No stories of What Went Down Between Cookie and the Geese? Well, two out of three ain't bad.

Posted by: Laurabelle | May 27, 2007 11:37 AM

WTF is with the weird, long, ranting comment? Anyways, you are wonderfully funny and I heart you soooooo much!

Posted by: Angela | May 27, 2007 12:25 PM

I am loving the regular posting! Keep it up, please, as I have the last finals of my 1L year coming up next week. I desperately need funny doxie stories! (And wine, of course, but I can buy that myself.)

Posted by: Liz | May 27, 2007 03:36 PM

Wow, you're not kidding. Skin is an incredible song. Thanks for introducing me to Mallonee's music.

Posted by: regular | May 27, 2007 07:05 PM

OOPS! It was Cookie. Like I said, I am not so much with the sleeping this week, hee. ;-)

Posted by: Emily | May 27, 2007 08:08 PM

SBTB!!! I am so with ya! Sans lampshade though. HAAAA!!!!

Posted by: Megan | May 27, 2007 08:48 PM

but, but... how does the wine make it to the mouth when poured OVER the lampshade?

these are things I *need* to know.

Posted by: shy me | May 28, 2007 01:01 AM

Thanks again for mitigating the excessive generosity of Paypal. I anxiously await my magnets and minidox.

Re: the lampshade skit, may I suggest YouTube? I do live in L.A. And so does your sister. We can shop it around and perhaps you could add another career to your collection.

Posted by: Janice | May 29, 2007 03:29 AM

Woo-hoo! 2 Doxie posts in one week! Kudos for getting "wine" "floggings" and "drunken office slut" all in one post.

Posted by: Sharon | May 29, 2007 04:28 AM

But, Jessie - remember that time we snuck out and rode our bikes to see ET? We were scared, but we got through it! Together.

Put your mind to it go for it. Get down and break a sweat. Rock and roll and you ain't seen nothing yet. Gotta love some Hot Sundae!

I am so retarded. I wonder if they have that on iTunes...

Posted by: Morgan | May 29, 2007 08:42 AM

Hee! My sister and I LOVE the Jessie Spano "I'm so excited" breakdown (it might even be better than the Buddy Bands episode, which I'm sure you've seen 45 times by now).

Posted by: jive turkey | May 29, 2007 08:53 AM

Oh, WAIT...that WAS the Buddy Bands episode, wasn't it?! I am a douche. And I obviously need to brush up on my SBTB. I've been frittering away my time with Golden Girls & Roseanne re-runs.

Posted by: jive turkey | May 29, 2007 10:08 AM

No! No, Buddy Bands is different! And then Zach goes on a power trip and so so they split and make this steamy pre-Paris video for headbands only Zach gets Belding to wear one, and so nobody thinks they're cool anymore and it all goes to hell in a handbasket.

Y'all. Seriously: GETTING TO BE A PROBLEM.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 29, 2007 11:01 AM

Haha! Oh yes, that's right. Thank you for clarifying with your mad SBTB skillz.

Have I mentioned that I have seen Dustin "Screech" Diamond in passing TWICE in my lifetime? That has to be some sort of [pathetic] sign.


Posted by: jive turkey | May 29, 2007 11:40 AM

I don't know about the rest of the folks here, but I would really like to see that training video.

Posted by: Lafe | May 29, 2007 12:11 PM

And don't forget the other band related episodes - the one with the Zack Attack when Zack also got too cool for everyone and then they were doing that weird Casey Kasem hosted behind the music about how the band broke up, etc...and the weird season with Kelly half the time and the biker chick Tori the other half where there was some sort of doo-wop thing going on.

Also? I ran into Mister Belding on Christmas 2005 when I was home in Chattanooga at a bar. He was by himself and it was kind of sad. Of course, I was with my family members at a bar celebrating the birth of Jesus, so I guess I shouldn't comment.

Posted by: Morgan | May 29, 2007 12:12 PM

If I saw Mister Belding in a bar, I would lick him.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 29, 2007 12:15 PM

Oh, don't you know I thought about it. I offered to buy him a drink, but he declined. I figured if he wasn't going to have a drink, I probably shouldn't lick him.

Posted by: Morgan | May 29, 2007 01:54 PM

Doxie,

I watched SBTB this morning (Hawaii vacation!) and almost puked when Dawson's Creek came on afterwards. Damn you, USA network!

Also, I wanted to let you know that my friend Laura just wrote a hilarious post about cleaning out her childhood closet and finding her journals and reading her poetry. Having something to do with setting herself on fire while listening to the "Annie" soundtrack...and she promises me that she will be posting ACTUAL 9th grade material soon. Reminded me of your Sycamore Tree post!!!!

Posted by: Werbie | May 29, 2007 03:26 PM

Doxie,

I watched SBTB this morning (Hawaii vacation!) and almost puked when Dawson's Creek came on afterwards. Damn you, USA network!

Also, I wanted to let you know that my friend Laura just wrote a hilarious post about cleaning out her childhood closet and finding her journals and reading her poetry. Having something to do with setting herself on fire while listening to the "Annie" soundtrack...and she promises me that she will be posting ACTUAL 9th grade material soon.

http://www.thespectrum.org/2007/05/stuff-i-found-in-my-closet-part-i.html

Reminded me of your Sycamore Tree post!!!!

Posted by: Werbie | May 29, 2007 03:26 PM

While your post made me laugh, something else is making me laugh. And probably it's not very funny to any of you but I'm weird. You know how when you hold your cursor over the commenter's name it will show you the name of their blog? On Leigh's comments, when you hold your cursor over her name it comes up "missdoxie.comom". See, that's not at all funny yet I'm laughing for some reason. It makes me think she's saying "come on" or perhaps something about her "mom" yet it doesn't say that at all. It also makes me think that I'm a loon. It's so not funny. Yet I am so laughing. I think I need many, many hours of sleep. And a hug.

Posted by: Bevvy | May 29, 2007 10:21 PM

Bevvy, come over! I will hug you AND give you wine. We are an understanding people.

Posted by: miss doxie | May 29, 2007 11:09 PM

The only thing that rivals the Jessie Spano "I'm so excited" SBTB episode is perhaps the Lifetime TV movie "Death of a Cheerleader" where Kellie Martin stabs Tori Spelling to death.

Awesome.

Posted by: Circe | May 30, 2007 12:48 PM

Circe: I see your "Death of the Cheerleader" and RAISE you Tori Spelling in "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?"

Posted by: jive turkey | May 30, 2007 04:24 PM

SHUT. UP. I freakin' love Bill Malonee (and the gone but not forgotten VOL - sidebar, a little of my soul died when they stopped playing together) and I am so stinkin' excited to see you giving the man some love. Sad I missed the show on Sunday - we live in another state and it was a wee bit of a long drive to make. Anyhoo, great post ... the lampshade is a fabulous look on you.

Posted by: Erin | May 30, 2007 04:48 PM

Aw, man, I was visiting Atlanta this weekend AND I was at the Decatur Arts Festival on Sunday but I totally didn't read this entry until today. And I may have even had bottles of wine in my bag. Or maybe not. But saying I had bottles of wine would make me seem less like a stalker. Or maybe more like a stalker. Um. Changing the subject. I had lunch at the Raging Burrito!

Posted by: Lori | May 30, 2007 10:59 PM

Oh my holy god, that was funny! LOVE the shade, Sugar!

Posted by: Beth | May 31, 2007 11:34 PM

Each morning I coax my 14 y/o daughter into wakefulness by turning the TV to channel 98 (tbs)and SBTB. She loves it. She's at school by the time Dawson's comes on, so there's no puking at our house. She also claims the Jessie drugged out meltdown as her fave. She was delighted to know it was yours as well. BTW, we're in Jersey, so maybe this SBTB thing is a nationwide phenomena.

Posted by: bamacapa | June 1, 2007 07:47 AM

I think you need this :http://www.bustedtees.com/shirt/imsoexcited/male

Posted by: Amy | June 3, 2007 07:53 PM

Longtime lurker, AND former corporate lawyer who just couldn't take the hours and crazy expectations anymore, AND Miss Doxie lover (you are so funny! Really! I'm not much given to exclamation points, but you're great!) finally driven to comment because NO ONE has ever heard of Bill Mallonee, and my husband and I are long time fans, so just had to say Woo Hoo, someone else likes him! And not just someone else, but someone awesome like Miss Doxie.

Posted by: Spring | June 4, 2007 05:33 PM

Jive Turkey:

I see your "Mother may I sleep with Danger?" and raise you one Calista Flockhart in "The Secret Life of Mary Margaret: Portrait of a Bulimic."

Posted by: Circe | June 5, 2007 01:20 PM

I had NO idea that women in fur wearing hair pieces and $3 dresses were routinely sexually harassed. Thank you for making an awareness video. Equally thankful am I that you are SHARING your art with the rest of the world. ('Bout time!) I am have been a terrible lurker and am SO far behind with my lurking . . . But next time I make a ginormous sale, I will share the wealth and purchase some of your art! I am vr vr excited. My sister is getting married and what says love more than wiener licking and shit notecards?

Again. Cracking myself up.

x's
Shano
PS. REALLY. My sister would DIG the notecards as a wedding gift. She would find it highly amusing. You rock.

Posted by: Shano | June 6, 2007 01:12 AM

"Flogging"... heeeee. I just got back from vacation, where I bought a t-shirt with a pirate skull/crossbones on it and the phrase:

"Hi. My name is Roger, and I'll be flogging you today."

Love.

Posted by: Dawn | June 6, 2007 11:23 AM

DUDE, Circe. I LOVE that movie, even though I have to watch most of it on mute because I cannot handle throwing-up in movies at all, because I have...well, issues, which, you know, SURPRISE, but...wait, that is not at all where I was trying to go with this. Okay, let's start this sentence over again:

BITCH PUKES IN TUPPERWARE. The end.

Posted by: miss doxie | June 7, 2007 01:26 AM

Miss Doxie?

If you love us, you will post that training video on Youtube.

Posted by: Iggeh | June 16, 2007 04:43 PM

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