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Moon Over Atlanta

May 23, 2007

So! Happy Wednesday! I am back in town for about six minutes, which gives me the opportunity to ask this question: Who wants to hear my most embarrassing story of the year so far? It's the sort of thing that is completely typical of me! You are forewarned!

Also, it involves a side bar. Which is: when Ziz was just a little person, she was so skinny it was hard to find pants that fit her in any meaningful way. (Not a lot has changed in this regard, because if you remember, her family nickname continues to be "Tits on Sticks." But shockingly, I digress!) Anyway, one day, she went on to kindergarten in a pair of cute little corduroys; when my mom picked her up at the end of the day, however, she found Ziz in tears, proclaiming a great hatred for her pants. When Mom asked what the problem was, Ziz explained that she had been on her way to her classroom in a long line of kids when her pants had suddenly "slud down her legs." At this point, Ziz turned to Mom and, through tears, shrieked out, "I WAS SO BARE ASSED." And Mom had to agree. And now, y'all, I know exactly how she felt.

That's a bad beginning, isn't it? Also, foreshadow-y. Like literature, only with lots more curse words.

But ANYWAY. SEE, WHAT DONE HAPPENED WAS, I was at work. And I was wearing my favorite skirt suit, which I really love[d], and which actually fits me properly, which is kind of hard to say with the majority of suits in this world. I was getting ready to go on a car trip with Cookie and a partner, and so I was trying to finish up about eleventy jillion things before we had to leave. Mister Partner had explained that we were leaving at 11:15, on the dot, and I was busting ass (theme! THEME!) to get everything accomplished before then.

So, when another partner called me at 10:45 and wanted me to get in on a conference call with a client, I said bad words in my head, but quickly picked up a pad and began hauling ass (am I overdoing it? Possibly) down the hall. Which happened to occur at the same time that the partner sitting next to me (YET ANOTHER PARTNER, because let's maximize the number of professional people involved in my bare-ass-ment) also exited his office. From behind me, I heard him clear his throat.

"Uh, Leigh," he said. "I think you got a lady problem with your skirt."

I turned around, trying to look at my rear. "What?" I asked. "Did I sit in something?" ( I am always sitting in something.)

"NO," he said, turning red. "I think you have a LADY PROBLEM. With your ZIPPER."

At the precise moment he said those words, I realized that: hello. My zipper, the one holding my skirt together, and the one that runs all the way down my backside, had split. And so the skirt had yawned entirely open, and there was my blazingly white butt, clad only partway in a pair of bikini briefs, hanging happily out of the suit, and enjoying the freedom of the law firm's hallway. I was officially Bare Assed.

"AHHHH!" I said, and immediately put my legal pad over my bottom. I stared horrified at the partner; wisely, he turned around without a word and walked directly back to his office, as if he had suddenly realized some very important work that was sitting on his desk and that did not involve full backside nudity. But then, from the other partner's office, I heard my name being called. Helplessly, and with the pad still over my backside, I hustled in there, mind racing and back to the wall, hugging it Jack-Bauer style, as if enemy forces would immediately appear and expose additional flesh to an office full of well-mannered gentlemen.

I got into the office and made an immediate beeline for the couch. As the conference call continued, I sat there, trying desperately to figure out what the hell I could do. There's a store across the street that sells women's clothing, I figured. If I can just get out of here, then I could go over there, and buy some black pants or a skirt or something. Whatever I buy, I could just wear out of the store. And if I really, really hurried, I could do all of this by 11:15.

I spent twenty minutes staring at the clock, watching the window of opportunity for re-skirting growing smaller and smaller. Finally, at 11:10, the call ended. I stood up, back still to the wall, pad again placed against my tookus.

"Leigh, I need--" began the partner. I interrupted him.

"LISTEN." I said. "MY SKIRT SPLIT OPEN. I HAVE TO LEAVE THIS OFFICE IN FIVE MINUTES. THAT IS HOW LONG I HAVE TO GET TO BROOKS BROTHERS AND BACK WEARING SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT EXPOSE ME IN AN ILLEGAL WAY."

"AHHHH!" said the Partner, who had probably wanted none of that information whatsoever. Seizing upon the obvious opportunity, I bolted.

Once I was back in the hallway, I took off my jacket and tied it around my waist. I grabbed my purse, and hollered at my assistant that "IGOTTABUYASKIRTNOW! BERIGHTBACK!" Wisely, I don't think she responded.

I rode down in the elevator, eyes on my watch. 11:11. Four minutes.

I popped out in the lobby and made a mad dash from the street. And then I stopped at the curb and considered, and these were the things I thought:

1. I work on the busiest street in downtown Atlanta.
2. They do not like it when you cross the busiest street in downtown Atlanta.
3. By "they", I mean "the police", who have recently set up camp and started ticketing jaywalkers like they are evil thieves running away with old women's purses (because, jaywalking: it's the gateway crime! One day, you're crossing in the middle of the road; next, you'll be masterminding an elaborate plot to overthrow our government. Seriously, it's how Manson got started!)

At the same time, I weighed these facts:

1. The store is DIRECTLY across the street from the office, just tantalizing in its direct route-ness;
2. My office is slap in the middle of an unusually long block, meaning that I would have to walk aaaaaaaallllllll the way to the end, then cross, then walk aaaaaalllllll the way back in order to make my booty-covering trip in a legal way;
3. It was chilly, and I was freezing my ass off (sorry! Cannot help it anymore!) with my jacket tied around my waist and wearing only a little camisole thing on top;
4. I had four minutes to complete this ENTIRE task; and also, Yeah, By The Damn Way:
5. My SKIRT is SPLIT the FUCK OPEN.

I made up my mind, looked both ways, and -- not seeing any officers of the law -- bolted across the street. And I'd almost made it, too, when I saw the telltale blue hat coming up from the escalator in the underground mall in front of me.

"Shit," I muttered, as the cop turned and looked directly at my lawless self.

"Ahem," said the cop.

For my first evasion technique, I tried smiling stupidly, finished crossing the street and kept moving toward the store, all, "It is pretty today! I am just going to go participate in some commerce! I am not a lawbreaker! I like pants!"

But he was not having it. "Come here," the officer said, motioning with his hand. I froze. And, in a split second, I knew the only thing I could do.

I turned around. I lifted my jacket. And then...I mooned the cop. On the busiest street in the city. In an attempt to avoid jailtime.

Bending over, and with my head between my legs, I hollered, "MYSKIRTSPLIT! I HAVE TO LEAVE TOWN IN FOUR MINUTES! I CANNOT SEE CLIENTS LIKE THIS AND I HAVE TO BUY PANTS NOW NOW NOW!"

As I looked upside down at the officer, wondering vaguely if it is...you know, bad to moon a policeman on Peachtree Street, he busted out laughing. "RUN!" He hollered at me, pointing at the store. "GO GO GO!"

I stood up, overwhelmed with gratitude, and waved at him as I rushed into the store. Which I descended upon like a damn hurricane, all, "PANTS! I WILL TAKE THESE! NO I DONT CARE! PLEATS MAKE NO DIFFERENCE TO ME WHATSOEVER! START RINGING THEM UP WHILE I CHANGE OVER HERE!"

Throwing a credit card at the horrified saleswoman, I was halfway out of my skirt (well, obviously. But, like, in a taking-it-off manner) before I'd even made it to the dressing room. I got the pants on in six seconds flat, and ran back to the counter so that the poor woman could wordlessly hand me the sales slip, her eyes as big as dinner plates.

"THANK YOU!" I hollered, grabbing a bag and stuffing my sad skirt inside. Then I bolted out of the store, and back to the street, where the officer was waiting, still laughing at me.

"IT IS 11:14 AND I AM WEARING PANTS!" I informed him gleefully. He agreed.

And then I turned and promptly ran across the middle of the street again, in front of God, the law, and everyone else.

"Hey, now!" hollered the officer disapprovingly. "I AM SORRY! I LOVE YOU!" I called over my shoulder. Wisely, Mister Officer did not pursue.

At precisely 11:15, I walked back into my office, out of breath and shoulders heaving, and threw the bag containing the skirt of my discontent onto the floor. And then I turned, coming face to face with Cookie and the Partner, who were, of course, right on time. Cookie looked at me.

"Were you wearing a skirt earlier?" she asked, puzzled. I just nodded and pointed at the bag. "DO NOT ASK," I advised her. And off we went to practice some law. And then I told everyone in the world what had happened to me. The end!

So, y'all, there is my story of PG-rated nudity for your Wednesday. Have some breakfast! And pants!

Now, on to the news. (Which I have kind of always wanted to say. I like living my dreams!)

***GIRLY SHOPPING BORINGNESS ALERT***

I have gotten enough emails about The Dress (which...awesome. In love with dress. Thank you, dress, for hiding evidence of fried-chicken eating!) to attempt to point y'all in the right direction, but I can't find it online anywhere. I've looked all over the place, but...no luck! It's Nicole Miller and I got it at the Bloomingdale's in Atlanta, but if someone manages to find it online, will you please post a link in the comments? I am afraid people will actually break into my house to steal it from me, such is the appreciation for this dress, and if that happens, I will have to slap a bitch. Or stick Bo on her. Whichever.

The other dresses came from Bloomingdale's and Nordstrom's respectively, and the first Kimono one was on sale for $80. Which was bargain-y! Woo!


***END OF GIRLY SHOPPING BORINGNESS ALERT***

***PEOPLE WHO COULD GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FORMALWEAR ARE INVITED TO RETURN NOW***

And, one final thing: speaking of bargain-y! I am having the first-ever sale at Shop Doxie. Which I tried to send a newsletter about, but...that ended badly. And so instead of a cute newsletter with pictures and links, roughly three trillion people got a newsletter from Leigh that included a lot of ????????????????//////////////////////////////////&ndp????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! in it. And then their eyes fell out of their heads and they sued me.

But, anyway. So I don't usually like plugging the store over here, but given my complete inability to use any other avenue to communicate these facts, I'm a-doing it anyway. I am sorry! But, sale, y'all! Everything in the whole entire store! Plus you get a free gift with every order, and let me just say that the reason I am doing this is that at this moment, I have so many boxes of cards, stickers, stationery and other assorted doxie-ness that it has taken over two bedrooms, plus it is inching its way, Blob-style, into the den and dining room, and I am beginning to sort of FREAK OUT about it. To be perfectly honest. So I made everything practically free so it could live somewhere that is not my den. Seriously, I am starting to live like a crazy person who has to tunnel through her house, and the dogs are communicating by smoke signals, and they hate me, and we can't have company over because there are CARDS and ribbon bits everywhere, and I could go on, but it is kind of getting to be a desperate situation over here, is what I am trying to communicate. Were I not filled with shame, I would show you a picture of my dining room table, and then you would make fun of me anon.

Also, hee! I said anon! I am so dorky today. Probably because it is only 8:30, so I haven't had any wine yet.

At any rate, please check it out, and have some cards or something. Also, there are magnets now! And stickers! Both are sticky. Because I am clearly a lady who likes a theme.

And that's all I got, as I have to leave for work now. Where we all sincerely hope I stay as un bare-assed as possible.

Y'all have a great week!


Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

64 Comments

First comment! Thanks for an awesome read to start out the day. Man, I bet that cop had fun with that story later on!

Posted by: Lydia | May 23, 2007 09:15 AM

I needed this today! I am certain that all your supporting cast had something fun to tell their family and friends about. See? Bringing joy to the world. It's what you do.

Posted by: Lioslith | May 23, 2007 09:24 AM

LMAO over here(ha - theme!). Not at you, of course, *with* you. We shan't speak in detail of my unfortunate button incident of 1999. Let me just say it was equally embarassing, but not nearly as entertaining!

Off to check the sale (thanks for the heads up)!

Posted by: Linda | May 23, 2007 09:25 AM

I needed this today! I am certain that all your supporting cast had something fun to tell their family and friends about. See? Bringing joy to the world. It's what you do.

Posted by: Liosliath | May 23, 2007 09:25 AM

I have a similar Bare-Assed story, only it involves me and a patient at the Heart Unit I work on. Let me just clarify that my Bare-Assed event did not PUT the man on the Heart Unit...he was already there. Ahem.

Posted by: Tripping Daisy | May 23, 2007 09:28 AM

HA! Oh, that is entirely too awesome. Maybe not so much for you, but for us! Yay us.

Also, you say "Or stick Bo on her."

...Oh? How are you going to stick Bo on the dress-stealy intruder? I'm guessing with spare Shop Doxie stickers, but is there some other adhesive you were thinking of? I feel like this could be valuable information.

Posted by: Emily | May 23, 2007 10:01 AM

Oh, my word, I've washed the make-up off my face with the tears of helpless laughter. I'm sorry - I am actually laughing *at* you. Because ... it just couldn't happen to anyone else! Thank you for bringing a huge dose of much-needed laughter to my day. Now no co-workers need suffer physical harm.

Posted by: ysabelkid | May 23, 2007 10:03 AM

Ha! I meant "sic", not "stick." It was early! Besides, I would like to stick Bo on someone. Especially if he gets into the squirrel bits again.

Anyway, this malaprops pleases me. I am leaving it!

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 23, 2007 10:09 AM

So you basically played bare-assed Frogger on Peachtree...classic! lmao

Posted by: Kristy | May 23, 2007 10:15 AM

So I was just sittin' at the precinct house waiting to go off-shift when Henry came in and starts blabbin' on about "You should have seen this blonde babe who mooned me in front of Brooks Brothers..."

Posted by: Matt | May 23, 2007 11:23 AM

Oh, Doxie! I hope when I finish my Paralegal degree (a few miles down the road yet) that my boss is able to spread joy & laughter like you do. I'm glad the cop didn't pursue you back into the office - maybe you could've stuck Bo on him!

Posted by: ishouldbeworking | May 23, 2007 11:53 AM

Sweet baby jesus that was funny.

Amen.

Posted by: Susan | May 23, 2007 12:05 PM

HAHA - I love how he said you were having a "LADY PROBLEM" with your skirt, as if zippers simply do not DARE malfunction on man-clothes. No sir!

Seriously, though, if someone told me I was having a "lady problem" on the back of my skirt, my mind would go somewhere else entirely, and I would probably fall over dead from embarrassment before I managed to turn around.

Posted by: jive turkey | May 23, 2007 12:10 PM

My story is nowhere as near funny as yours, but was an embarrassing moment. When I was trying cases, I always carried an extra pair of pantyhose with me just in case I got a run. Well, one day I was trying a case in front of a jury, and I triumphantly reached into my briefcase to pull out a piece of evidence when - not surprisingly - the evidence came out with the pantyhose hanging from it. In front of the jury. I immediately turned 18 shades of red & everyone on the jury laughed. So did the judge. Ack.

Posted by: Maggie105 | May 23, 2007 12:14 PM

Leigh, if you don't convince Al to create a Damn Millionaires song out of this incident, I might be forced to come down there WITH SHERMAN, and park myself in your driveway, and feed Sherman lots of Beggin' Bits, thereby causing Bo to go into paroxysms of envy.

Posted by: Coleen | May 23, 2007 01:12 PM

My, that was an impressive feat of shopping prowess, done in four minutes flat.

Thank goodness for police officers with a sense of humor.

Posted by: Jen | May 23, 2007 01:19 PM

Dude, this WOULD be a good song.

To the tune of Achy, Breaky Heart, I think:

There I was at work
In a pretty skirt
A sudden breeze, it caught me by surprise;

I had to cross the street
Where I was sure to meet
An officer who can't believe his eyes.

I mooned a cop;
I really mooned a cop.
No other way to make him understand;
And so I mooned a cop,
I really mooned a cop,
And now I think I might be on the lam.

Y'all feel free to add verses; this is obviously a work of great cultural importance here.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 23, 2007 01:24 PM

oh my God that is hilarious. I love the cop still laughing at you when you came out. heh. It kind of makes me want to camp out in atlanta - with spare clothes for you in my purse. aw.

Oh that reminds me: Dear Miss Doxie - keep a few changes of clothes in your office from now on. heee!

Posted by: McKate | May 23, 2007 02:05 PM

Too funny! I had a bad skirt incident once. My skirt split in the back like yours did, only I was hostessing for a Chinese restaurant at the time (and I was only 18), and the creepy owner wouldn't give me a needle and thread until he could see the back of my skirt. I was embarrassed and told one of the bartenders, who then told her friend the manager, who decided to inform the sleazy owner's wife that I was "making up that her husband was sexually harassing me". The wife cornered me in the ladies room and I was bawling my eyes out. She told me I was a bad person for making up things about her husband - but I could tell she knew truth. I left and never went back. It bothered me for a long time.
Anyway, I'm glad your story had a happier ending. Pants! Yay!

Posted by: DippyChick | May 23, 2007 02:40 PM

Meh, I walked around the entire office (500 PEOPLE!) for an entire afternoon with my zipper down on my slacks (SECURITY BREACH AT LOS PANTALONES!). Did anyone say anything? no. assholes.

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | May 23, 2007 03:03 PM

A friend of mine directed me to your blog after my boyfriend and I got a dachshund puppy, and it's freaking hilarious. The taller half and I spent quite a few moments giggling over the various Bo-tastrophies, then quaking in fear of the future because... well... Ralphie says hi.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/khimikat/Ralphie/psychopuppy.jpg

P.S. I have also split my skirt at work... and a pair of pants.

Posted by: Hanna | May 23, 2007 03:10 PM

I SO needed a good laugh this morning, Thanks! I had a skirt splitting incident also, but it happened much younger, in the second grade, actually. I was wearing a fabulous denim skirt that my grandmother had bought for me. I tried to do a flip on the monkey bars and the whole thing ripped right up the front! As everyone stood pointing and laughing, I thought my life was over. Thanks to some yarn and a needle found in the kindergarten room, I was able to finish the day, but I NEVER wore a skirt to school again!

Posted by: bunchkin | May 23, 2007 03:30 PM

I have this ever-bright hope that when I grow up (by getting, paradoxically, younger) I will be able to tell a story like you. Because what usually happens to me would be that I would split my pants and the story would read like this:" So, y'all, I was at work. Then - holy crap! My pants split open!"

And that would be all. Because I have not got the moxie of Miss Doxie.

Also: Hanna up there says "the tall one" because she is about as tall as their puppy. But she's awfully adorable, so we keep her. Also 'cos we never know when she will suffer a Lady Problem with her clothing. There's always perks. [Love you Hanna!]

Posted by: Pave.Gurl | May 23, 2007 03:31 PM

Another one laughing at least at if not with you. Wow. So I immediately had to send the link to my galpal and after she had fully immersed herself, like Bo in the squirrelly bits, I wrote this:

"She mooned the cop. I mean, sure, anyone else would try to explain and perhaps provide evidence if asked. Maybe even say, I know I broke the law but can you follow me in, write 2 cause I'm gonna do it again, and do it while I buy pants and change? But to moon the cop and then speak to him while bent over. Wow. You know what that is? That's the best example of multitasking I've ever heard."

You rock, Doxie.

Posted by: Jenn | May 23, 2007 03:35 PM

Does dress + haven't shaved my legs in years cause I'm lazy = tall leather boots in the middle of May count as a Lady Problem?

Posted by: Hanna | May 23, 2007 03:55 PM

hahahaha...omg that was really funny!!

Also I got your email newsletter and there was nothing wrong with it?!! Maybe I was just the lucky one to get the info!

thank you!!

Posted by: Jolene | May 23, 2007 04:33 PM

hahahaha...omg that was really funny!!

Also I got your email newsletter and there was nothing wrong with it?!! Maybe I was just the lucky one to get the info!

thank you!!

Posted by: Jolene | May 23, 2007 04:33 PM

Oh my God. I am laughing so hard I am surprised my co-workers have not carted me away. I am so sorry but that is one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my entire life. I'm sorry it happened to you, but not sorry that you wrote about it so hilariously.

Posted by: Kathleen | May 23, 2007 04:47 PM

I had the same thing happen to me in a parking lot when I was getting ready to go to business meeting....it was horrible.

Posted by: Boomer | May 23, 2007 04:51 PM

I had the same thing happen to me in a parking lot when I was getting ready to go to business meeting....it was...horrible.

Posted by: Boomer | May 23, 2007 04:52 PM

HANNA! You are required to post warning labels before you unleash that much Cute out into the interweb. Ralfie is a...morsel.

Doxie: I'd say this could only happen to you, but we now have anecdotal evidence that it happens to other people. Count me in as one of the pants-ripped club- only it happened to me a) while I was OUT b) not drinking (yet) c) shopping, thank heavens.

You should start a new olympic sport: Speed shopping. More energetic than curling.

Posted by: Maya | May 23, 2007 08:45 PM

i just peed my pants a little from laughing so hard.

that may be my most favorite post of all time. :)

Posted by: aly | May 23, 2007 08:49 PM

Oh wouldn't you just love to read the cops blog on this incident!

And don't you just love that I assume the cop has a blog ;)

Posted by: rho | May 23, 2007 09:08 PM

Pants? Purchased in less than 3 minutes?

I genuflect in your presence. (Your blog-presence, of course.)

Love Shop Doxie, by the way!

Posted by: La Cubana Gringa | May 23, 2007 10:58 PM

Classic absolute classic.
I had the same thing happen to me the other day at work and ended up with a back end that reminded me of the safety pin dress Liz Hurley wore, without Liz Hurley's body. No clothes shop across the road for me. I just believe I was setting a new dress trend in the office, too cool for school.

BTW just new to blogging and happened upon your diary in a way i can't remember but i'm glad i did. and yes loved the dress, but no bloomingdale's in australia

Posted by: nanajud | May 23, 2007 11:00 PM

Leigh, honey - you make me look like an amateur klutz, which is damned hard to do! Rock on!

Posted by: Jessica | May 23, 2007 11:09 PM

hey, at least you were wearing full on panties and not a thong!

Posted by: Elizabeth K | May 23, 2007 11:38 PM

My speed-shopping story:

My sophomore year of college, our marching band was performing an exhibition Thing at a Place, where there was no mention that we should, in fact, bring clothes other than uniforms to change into, since the equipment semi would be leaving with said uniforms directly from Godforsaken High School. Oh yes, my pants remained at the hotel, and soooomebody was going to ask me for the ones I was wearing in about 45 minutes. After our performance, my best friend and I (who has since passed away, God bless) ran across six lanes of highway in Place, to a mall--aka hugegiant place where I don't know where anything is. Being a leadershippy person, I had to present the trophies to the high school kiddos in roughly 20 minutes, so we tore through the food court, past the five billion book stores and computer game shops--me in my uniform complete with shako (fancy hat with 12" ostrich plume, oh yes) and Best Friend in hilighter-yellow colorguard uniform--where a Penneys awaiated. I grabbed the first pants available and realized, alas! My purse! And wallet! Are with my pants! In hotel! Oh dear. Best Friend bailed me out..we grabbed pants, played Frogger again, ran across Godforsaken High School's campus, and literally got into the stadium as my cohorts were walking on the field. I made an appearance, oh yes, running with my Penneys bag and hilighter accomplice. But, let me tell you, I had pants, when it turned out half the ensemble rode back to the hotel in hushed silence and underwear.

My much shorter bare-ass story:

As it is my fourth(ish) year of college now, I work in a grocery store full time as well as go to class my whole life. One day a register had frozen, and I crawled practically inside of it to restart. My belt loop caught on the edge of the service entry thing and the next thing I knew, one of our Southern Baptist little old lady customers was squatted behind me, pulling on my pants--screeching "Pull your pants up! You're showing your ass to God and everybody!" 83 years old and a spitfire..long live Pants Lady.

Posted by: Sue | May 24, 2007 12:57 AM

What a riot! Thanks for the great laugh, even if the "joke" was on you. Sometimes I think all horrible possible things happen to you, and everyone around you gets a free ride!

Posted by: Jens | May 24, 2007 01:50 AM

What a riot! Thanks for the great laugh, even if the "joke" was on you. Sometimes I think all horrible possible things happen to you, and everyone around you gets a free ride!

Posted by: Jens | May 24, 2007 01:50 AM

I just have to say that I love you. Will you be my friend?

Posted by: Louly | May 24, 2007 01:59 AM

I just have to say that I love you. Will you be my friend?

Posted by: Louly | May 24, 2007 01:59 AM

If your partner and that cop start sending you love notes, you'll know you have one great ass.

Glad it all worked out in the end.

Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | May 24, 2007 08:12 AM

As long as we're sharing pantsless horror stories, I'll mention the following fun facts:
1) Disneyland, for whom I used to toil, requires all office staff to wear business attire.
2) If you aren't careful, when you pull up your pantyhose the hem of your skirt can get caught in the waistband.
3) It is possible to walk CLEAR DOWN Main Street, USA with the back of your skirt caught in your pantyhose without anybody alerting you.

Ten years later, I still have a pathological fear of getting my skirt caught in the back of my hose.

(I'm afraid I have ambivalent feelings about your drama, Miss Doxie. I'm terribly sorry you were embarassed, but we got a new post out of the ordeal. Hooray!)

Posted by: Cobwebs | May 24, 2007 10:23 AM

I must confess my love for you and all animals furry and weinerish.

Great story! I had to choke down a few laughs at the place-of-employment-where-funny-is-forbidden. My co-workers thought I was choking on my water or something.

Posted by: KP | May 24, 2007 10:43 AM

That's got to be one of the funniest things that I've read in quite some time.

Good job Miss Doxie!

Special kudos are given for mooning the cop.

Posted by: Brandi | May 24, 2007 01:22 PM

Okay, I don't have a split-my-pants story (well, I probably do but am repressing it) but here is something similar.

A few years ago, I lost a substantial amount of weight but was still wearing an old half-slip. Which means that slip was four sizes too big and old, with old, stretched out elastic.

As I was exiting the ladies' room at my office (full, by the way, of attorneys I work with), my slip slipped down my hips, resting around my ankles. Now, instead of simply stepping back into the ladies' room, in my usual dignified manner I started laughing hysterically thereby attracting the attention of anyone nearby.

Posted by: janeygirl | May 24, 2007 01:52 PM

Oh, Miss Doxie, you are hilarious!!!

One of a kind...

Posted by: Gabby | May 24, 2007 04:08 PM

Fantass-tic! ; )

Posted by: shy me | May 24, 2007 07:01 PM

Thanks for the "sale"!! Just in time for some summer birthday shopping. WOO HOO.

When I was in grade school--ok and I also taught my kids--your "mooning and talking to the cop" stance--- Did you know that you can kinda pretend to sit on someone's head, you have to try it to see....But it changes it somehow when its a nearly naked patootie...

Posted by: Birdaah | May 24, 2007 07:02 PM

LOL!!!! And I thought my broken zipper on my pants on Monday was bad. Our office is business casual, but I was dressed up for a client meeting to begin at 10 am. I walked into office at 8 am, went to the ladies room, where the zipper promptly broke. I had my jacket which did cover the offending zipper and then promptly announced, "I am going home to change" - I returned to office at 9:30 only to find out meeting had been cancelled -- I still would've had to change, but maybe could've stayed home to work if I had found out about it in time. Definitely feel some of your pain....not quite all!

Posted by: Angela | May 24, 2007 07:08 PM

THANK YOU!

Yesterday was my, oh, THIRD day at my shiny brand new summer associate job and I wore a very new and very cute skirt whose zipper proceeded to bust open sometime during the day. I did not notice the broken zipper until about 10 p.m. when someone informed me that I had been showing off my pink underwear since about 5.

Good to know that lawyers everywhere are exposing themselves!

Posted by: Sarah B. | May 24, 2007 07:50 PM

Yes, yes, all these stories of bare-assedness are awesome, BUT WHERE IS THE LINK FOR THE DRESS? I thought with 52 comments, someone might have found it already! Miss Doxie, be warned. I am coming to steal it from your house. Have your pepper spray ready. Also Bo for biting me.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | May 24, 2007 08:19 PM

>>
Yes, yes, all these stories of bare-assedness are awesome, BUT WHERE IS THE LINK FOR THE DRESS?

It seems a shame for the woman whose idea of being dressed up involves sweat pants and a T-shirt that match to be posting this, but the fabric is called "Ying [sic] Yang" and the exact dress design seems to have been discontinued. This one is fairly close, though:

http://www.edressme.com/dressesbk0324.html

(Do I get a finder's fee, or anything?)

Posted by: Cobwebs | May 24, 2007 09:21 PM

I think the best part of this story is: "Bending over, and with my head between my legs, I hollered, "MYSKIRTSPLIT! I HAVE TO LEAVE TOWN IN FOUR MINUTES! I CANNOT SEE CLIENTS LIKE THIS AND I HAVE TO BUY PANTS NOW NOW NOW!" Made me snort really loud...LOL!!!

Posted by: Miss Kriss | May 25, 2007 09:37 AM

Oh my God.
You write like I think.

Posted by: Amy | May 25, 2007 01:54 PM

I came here via Jazz's blog. I am so glad I did. Priceless story and beautifully written. I shall be back.

Ian

Posted by: Ian Lidster | May 25, 2007 04:56 PM

Would you like to hear my exposed-in-a-law-firm story? This was about 1981, and people were wearing "prairie" dresses with long, billowy skirts. I wore one to the office, and when I used the ladies' room, the very hem of my long, billowy skirt got caught in the waistband of my pantyhose, thereby exposing my entire hindquarters quite nicely. And I did not discover this until I had walked back to my desk, which involved passing many partners' offices, secretaries' cubicles, AND the conference room.

I love the cop thing, though. Surely mooning trumps jaywalking. Justice prevails!

Posted by: Gretchen | May 25, 2007 07:50 PM

Every time I come here, I end up laughing hysterically, and my Dachshund looks at me funny. Thank you so very much for the daily doses of humor. ^n_n^

Posted by: Multi-Facets | May 25, 2007 07:51 PM

I have GOT to stop reading your blog at work. My Dark Masters do not like happy. Happy BAD! If I get caught laughing again I will be flogged with a USB cable.
Oh, and BTW, thanks for the heads up e-mail about the sale.....we couldn't have the Doxie-Stuff Blob eating Atlanta, now could we? I don't think Steve McQueen is available to save the day, so I will have TO SHOP!

Posted by: Sharon | May 25, 2007 11:44 PM

You REALLLLY ought to have a permanent link to the store from this site, say over there on the side in that list of permanent links. Because really? How else are we supposed to remember. Come on!

Also, thanks for sharing your embarr-ass-ing stories! Always a bright spot. Now add a link to your store in the sidebar!

Posted by: Chuck | May 26, 2007 10:28 PM

You don't happen to have a picture of you in that torn skirt do you?

Posted by: Roshan | May 27, 2007 03:32 PM

HAHAHAHA!

That is one truly classic story. I howled with laughter. WITH you, not at you, honest!

Posted by: theotherbear | May 30, 2007 01:29 AM

I finally got a chance to read this post and YAY! cuz it gave me the first laugh of the day.. like 10 times over. So funny you! You and your accidents.. it's sad that they entertain so many people. I mean, good but still sad.. ;)

Posted by: Angel | June 12, 2007 10:29 AM

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