Been Caught Stealing
Hi, y'all! So, here is something that I find enormously funny, and also, a testament to the lengths to which I will go in order to avoid washing the slipcovers. That is pretty much all the explanation I can provide for my actions, which are both crafty and criminal. But, even though I can't give you an explanation, I can give you some backstory. Which I will begin...now!
So, Monday was our managing partner's birthday. He's awesome, so everyone in the firm was circulating cards, and sneaking cake into the conference room for a surprise party, and generally telling the partner how cool he is for not replacing all of us with robots.
And, amid all this excitement, I thought: you know, I should do something. Sure, I signed the group card, but I've known the managing partner since I was nine! A group card is not enough for someone you've known for twenty years. I needed to do something more to show my appreciation, affection, and similar fuzzy emotions.
I figured I'd go downstairs and buy a card from the little convenience store in our building. So down in the elevator I rode, and into the convenience store I went, and many, many hideous cards did I see. Cards with...teddy bears. And butterflies. And Jack Handey-style Deep Thoughts along the lines of, "You are special to me. Also amazing. Being with you is an amazing experience. Also special." Each card was like the transcription of a reality makeover show (Journey! Transformation! AMAZING!), and none of that really screamed me, and it certainly didn't scream "Appropriate card to give to the managing partner of your law firm who, let us not forget, could replace you with a robot. Or a well-trained monkey."
I rode back up in the elevator. Around floor 14, I thought, "You know, if only I had the gift of foresight, I would have made him a card yesterday, and then I would not be in this predicament."
And then around floor 19, I thought, "Well, maybe I could make him a card now! Like, with scissors, and tape."
And then, as the elevator dinged onto my floor, it was like a lightbulb went off over my head, and I realized the solution to the problem. And that solution was: office supplies. Jackpot!
Twenty minutes of unbillable time later, and after forcing my poor assistant to go on a mad hunt for a glue stick, and then allowing her to help with the assembly because, as she correctly observed, "That looks like more fun than doing work," my masterpiece was finished.
And let me tell you: my office supply card was pretty awesome, if I may say so myself. First, I doodled a picture onto white paper. Then, to maximize the amount of trouble involved, I scanned the picture and emailed it to myself as a jpeg. Which I then opened in Word, and added text, and then printed, and then -- using my trusty glue stick (THANKS, MRS. P!) -- attached to some heavy red paper. Which I folded, and decorated quite prettily with those little white hole reinforcer thingies for "interest." And then, my masterpiece was complete.
Unreasonably proud of myself, I bounced down the hall to the managing partner's office, and knocked on the door. And, as soon as it opened, I did not say, "Happy birthday!" or, "Hey, is this a bad time?" or "Are you on a conference call right now?"
Instead, what I said was:
"HEY I MADE YOU THIS CARD OUT OF STOLEN OFFICE SUPPLIES."
And then, after a pause, I said, "BUT DON'T TAKE THAT THE WRONG WAY." Because it was at that exact moment when it occurred to me that: oh. Yeah, giving your boss a card made, on company time, from pilfered office goods, is maaaaaaaybe the sort of communication I didn't exactly intend. Specifically, it is a communication that says, "There is no way on heaven or earth that I am spending $2.99 on you. And to emphasize my point, I shall now squander your resources. Happy birthday, dickhead!"
Fortunately for me, mister partner did not get that message at all, and was very touched by my Card Of Master Thievery. He even said it was his best card. (So, you know; top that, Hallmark. "Amazing," my ass.)
For the rest of the day, I remained mildly pleased with myself for my quick thinking. But, I also kept on coming up with other things I should have done; like, ooo! I should have used post-its to make a scalloped border! Or, you know, a highlighter would have added so much. Oh, sad, wasted opportunity!
The more ideas I had, the more entertained I became. And it occurred to me that many people do not like their bosses very much. And maybe, my unintentional message of, "I care about you only in a way that costs you money" was one that other people would like to intentionally convey. Like, on purpose, even.
So, I did what any self-respecting person would do: I stole more office supplies. (Only, not very many, cool bosses! Only a very few office supplies! Nothing significant like a copier or those little triple-A batteries we keep in the downstairs supply room for an unknown reason.)
Here were my materials:
Listen, mister parole officer, I am pretty sure this does not count as actual stealing. Can we stick with "pilfering"? It sounds so much more ladylike!
(Oh, and not pictured: a few inches worth of those white reinforcement thingies. Assume that they are like vampires and cannot be photographed, and not that I just left them in the other room.)
So tonight, when I should have been doing about sixteen thousand other things, I used those materials -- plus scissors, glue (THANKS AGAIN, MRS. P!), a marker, and wine -- and I created the following cards. All of which you, too, can make at your own office if you find yourself in a crunch, and all of which will send the message of; "Hey, boss. I stole from you, to give to you. It's complicated. Happy birthday, though!"
Y'all, don't you think I should be given my own show on a do-it-yourself network? Or possibly the prison channel? Yes.
Card One: The Hangman Cometh
Pilfered office supplies used: 1 sheet heavy paper; staples (and, actually, they were my own staples. I suck at stealing).
I learned something when I made this card! I learned that it is hard to put staples in a straight line. I also learned that 75% of the letters in "BOSS" are BS. This is funny to me.
Card Two: Fat Ass + Skinny Legs = What We Have Here
Pilfered office supplies used: 2 sheets heavy paper in white and red; rubber bands for legs; round dot things for ugly shirt-making; 2 post-it notes for shorts.
I am strongly in favor of casual Friday. I am not, however, in favor of looking at scary boss knees. Go away, scary boss knees! It is possible that I was once traumatized by this in a previous workplace, but I will not go into the knobby, hairy details of all that I have endured.
Card Three: Cutesy Is Nauseating
Pilfered office supplies used: 1 sheet heavy paper; post-its for petals; file folder for the center; paper clip for the stem; green page-flags for the leaves; white reinforcer stickers for eyeballs.
I am not really a fan of cute adorableness and things that announce that someone is someone else's sunshine, as it is not my particular cup of tea. Toss in a peptic ulcer, though, and I hop right on board. I'm fickle.
Card Four: Okay, This One Is Actually Kind Of Nice, My Bad.
Pilfered office supplies used: 1 sheet heavy paper; two paperclips; green page-flags.
Apparently, I can make a dachshund out of anything. I am a woman obsessed. I am also a woman who could not come up with anything snippy for the inside of this card. But, that is okay! Because instead, I am providing an option that is not very evil. Sure, it's still stealing, but it's the happy kind.
Card Five: When You Are Stealing Office Supplies Because You Have A Little Something To Say About Your Paycheck
Pilfered office supplies used: 1 sheet heavy paper; file folder for branch; post-it for bird's body; yellow page-flag for tail; white reinforcement sticker for eyeball; white copy paper for talk bubble.
I know the cheep! joke is not exactly new, but I am all about reinventing one's self over here, in the manner of John Travolta. Only with less Scientology.
Card Six: The One You May End Up Having To Use If You Follow My Ill-Advised Lead
Pilfered office supplies used: 1 sheet heavy paper; white-out for body; paper clips for arms; yellow flag for nose; correction tape for ground; binder clip for hat.
Yeah. Sorry, boss! Clearly I have learned my lesson!
So, that is it! This is what I do with my time. But everyone please ignore the fact that I am a freak; instead, enjoy my freakishness! And of course, feel free to try any of these at home.
But, if you get caught trying to shove a Xerox machine down your trousers, don't go saying you got the idea from me; blame it on a robot instead.