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You Can't Have It All, J.C. Wiatt! No One Can!

January 25, 2007

Everyone in my life, both people who know me and usually see me regularly, and those people who only know me through the computer, are under the impression that I have up and disappeared. I imagine that they think I have run off and joined either a coven or a convent (...could go either way), and that I have given up on the material world and am living on a tropical island wearing a loincloth knitted from the shredded remnants of legal briefs and motions, eating palm fronds and trying to make wine from coconut milk. Sadly, this is not the case.

INSTEAD, the case is that I have been so suddenly and painfully overwhelmed with legal work that I have completely lost contact with the world outside of my office, except I have had LOTS of contact with various clients and employees and workplaces that smell vaguely of vinegar and double entendres, and I have never wished more fervently that this thing we call "client confidentiality" did not exist, because if I could tell y'all what I am in the middle of right now, you would laugh until you died. And then you would buy me a box of wine, drill a hole in the top, and insert a straw, and this would be your thoughtful present to me. And I would not even complain if the wine was pink. THAT IS HOW FAR GONE I AM.

I have a few very close friends who all exchange emails on a daily basis, and even they haven't heard from me since, like, December. Except for every once in a while, when I pop in to utter some complete insanity along the lines of, "Hey, I'm not dead, y'all, and y'all need to come over because I bought a new slipcover for the sofa and it looks really good, and I think I'm going to have this guy arrested this afternoon and my secretary just brought me this really big box and I'm afraid it's got a human head in it so I've gotta go. Later!"

So, in short: I am a little overwhelmed right now. And being overwhelmed makes me talk in a mysterious manner. And then I am like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, soaked in an acid trip, and then played out on reality television. In short, my life rules. But my emails rule more.

So, because I still haven't managed to write that entry about New Years and the fire and the screaming (although, I have made the video, but it's a windows media file thing; does that mean y'all Mac types can't see it? Because wouldn't THAT be a tragedy), I am going to share the following with you. These are pretty much all of the actual emails I have had the time to write recently. In trying to recreate where the fuck I have been for the last month, this is what I have found. This is also all of the evidence my friends and family and co-workers have to determine what, precisely, has happened to me. I am sure they are planning an intervention. Do people bring wine to interventions? Maybe we can do that tomorrow!

Anyway. E-mails! And I assure you, as much as these fail to make any sense whatsoever to you, they make even LESS sense to the people who actually received them. I am sorry, people whom I love.


January 7

I am not paying any attention to what I am typing because I can't stop watching Baby Boom. I think I just saw an extra wearing Units. And I thought to myself, what a wonderful world.

January 8

Holy crap, thank you for bringing me food. I was about to starve, and I went up there, and made it as far as the conference room door when I just happened to glance down and catch sight of the fact that I have apparently made a very poor series of bra/shirt fabric weight choices today, and also it is cold, and the resulting nipplage sent me running down the stairs in horror, only the stairs contained [partner], who spoke to me for several minutes while I attempted to look casual with my arms crossed over my chest like a mummy. I have not left my office since. But thanks to you, I am not hungry! Just slutty.

January 9

Hey, good looking! I am writing to ask what you have got cooking.

January 9

ONE. Cut a hole in a box!

January 11

My hair is seceding from the union. I need a cocktail and a caddle prod.

January 12

I bought Dukay one of those toilet paper holders that plays your iPod. It's basically everything he stands for as a person.

January 14

I drew you a beautiful picture out of art and unicorns and opposing counsel.

January 15

He asked me about that code section, too, and I said that nobody knows, as it is a mystery like Stonehenge and the pyramids.

January 16

am engage din a battle to the death with th new compuuuuter systm, which has crashed my computer four tomes this moring and now will only type 1 letter every 6 mmmmmmmmmmminutrs JESUSSS CHRIST.

January 16

But I've always wanted to blow up Paducah!

January 16

I'm doing awesome. Except for the blinding rage I feel towards Lynn Johnson [writer and illustrator of For Better or For Worse.] LYNN, YOU ARE ON THE LIST.

January 16

Seriously, I am going to start keeping mace in my desk. Mace, and wine.

Ooo, and roofies.

January 17

Do you think my dad will laugh if I send him a text message that says, "HI MOTHERFUCKER!"?

January 18


January 19

If I ever have to write a song about a fish, I'm going to call it "Like a Sturgeon." You can't stop me. Nobody can.

January 19

Hey, is a "sturgeon" a fish?

January 20

I will beat him for you.

January 22

I'm taking a five minute break! Bring me an eyebrow pencil and some Sun Chips!

January 22
There are all these billboards all over Atlanta saying I can pay money to "SEE DONALD TRUMP LIVE", but I just want to know how much it would cost to see him the opposite.

January 22

My brain just popped.

January 23

I have decided that people don't exist unless they are standing in my office. So that means you are a figment of my imagination, and I do not have the time to talk to myself right now.

January 23

I am in the market for some tender hugs.

January 24

I made a full-grown man cry yesterday. He deserved it.

(And finally, even though I never do that whole IM thing because I find it all perplexing, I do want to share this bit of conversation I had with Dukay the other day):

Dukay: i just ate some british rugged mature cheese on butterfly butter crackers
Doxie: That sure is fancy.
Dukay: it was that or velveeta
Doxie: I'm trashy and would have gone for spreadability.
Dukay: and orange
Doxie: Know how people use whipped cream during sex?
Dukay: messy people
Doxie: Do you think Britney Spears uses EZ-CHEEZ?
Dukay: that is really disgusting.
Doxie: I know. I'm sorry.
Dukay: can we do that soon?
Doxie: I have put it on my calendar for Friday night.

Doxie: Seriously, I think there is something wrong with me that I just started wondering about Britney Spears and EZ CHEEZ.


Dukay: ok, so we arent going to do that?

Y'all have a good week; I'm going to go have some cheese. And maybe watch Baby Boom again.

And, P.S.: I just got around to reading the comments on the last entry, and, heeeeeee! Y'all are so funny. Please go ahead and send that search party. The first one. With the wine. And Jack Bauer. But not Jack's ooky wax hand, for: ew.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


You always crack me up, glad you finally had time to update =D! Hope everything is well with you.

Posted by: Rochelle | January 25, 2007 02:21 AM

See. We all just need to get together and kill that whole "Client Confidentiality". And then drink wine.

But not pink wine. Ew.

BUT. But. It's good that you are back. Though, now you have us wondering why in the hell you want to blow up Paducah. Why how come?

What did Paducah ever do to you?! HUH?!!

Oh, and the wonderful people at Target are having a sale on Tender Hugs. Or maybe it was just vitamins. I'll check on that for you.

Anywho...yay for you being back. Boo for you not living on fronds.

Posted by: The Danny | January 25, 2007 02:41 AM

Oh. And I heard the most greatest thing ever today. And I figured you would use it in conversation at some point.

Because I look out for you like that. You know.

It is for use when you come across some one who is singing. Badly. And ears are bleeding. Usually like the lead singer in cover bands.

"Hey! You sound like that guy/girl on American Idol. You know. The one who didn't make it."

It's probably old. And probably lame. But I tend to find it amusing.

You could probably use it on Dukay. Or opposing counsel.

Posted by: The Danny | January 25, 2007 02:46 AM

Fellow overwhelmed lawyer type totally with you on the killing Client Confidentiality thing. A Movement should definitely be started. Make sure you keep eating. And keeping the eyebrow pencil handy.

Posted by: Uli | January 25, 2007 02:53 AM

EZ Cheez in the bedroom? Now I never thought about that. Glad you're still around, Doxie! Come up for air soon.

Posted by: Zee | January 25, 2007 03:11 AM

I think Baby Boom is the secret panacea to many of life's ills. Very happy to see you back, am now thinking of the New 24 Drinking game. Here's what I've got so far:
You must drink:
-Every time Jack says he "doesn't have time to explain now" and just bulldozes on ahead with whatever he's doing.
-Every time Jacks' webby, waxy hands/back show up on screen (the horror!)
-Every time the word "bomb" is used.
-Every time Kumar from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle shows up as a very unconvincing terrorist/hostage-taker.

Please play as you deem necessary. Tell Dukay that Britney probably uses the generic EZ Cheez, such is her klass.

Posted by: Meepers | January 25, 2007 03:13 AM

Haha. I want to be one of the people you email with nonsensical ramblings ;-)

Posted by: Heather | January 25, 2007 03:22 AM

TWO: Put your junk in that box!

Posted by: mom on a wire | January 25, 2007 03:40 AM

Heh. I thought January 22 said, 'My brain just pooped'. And I didn't even think anything of it. It made sense to me. Maybe I just need to get more sleep.

Also, please add me to the 'Miss Doxie and the amazing technicolor whatthefuck??' email list.

Posted by: Contrary | January 25, 2007 07:33 AM

Hmmmmmmmmm with all that wk, who has been playing w/ your Doxies? Have you even seen them?
I can just imagine what Bo and the boys are plotting..............watch your back!


Posted by: Judy | January 25, 2007 08:19 AM

Your hatred for Lynn Johnson is misplaced. It's all Elizabeth Patterson's fault. That damn hussy.

Posted by: Mrs.Mga | January 25, 2007 08:25 AM

I blame Mr. Wright. Obviously less of a man than he should be. Although I am not a big fan of either Warren or Anthony. I think Elizabeth Patterson needs a new love.

Also: you crack me up, Miss Doxie.

Posted by: Nancy | January 25, 2007 08:55 AM

If I was your dad, I would pee myself laughing at "HI, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Maybe that's just me, though.

Posted by: ChickenFlicken | January 25, 2007 08:57 AM

You could always let Jack Bauer loose on the client. He'll scare the living shit out of him and force him to leave you alone so you can blog more. And he'll tell you: Trust me, I'll explain later - no doubt the most overused line on TV today.

Posted by: Jazz | January 25, 2007 09:13 AM

Hey, I *like* Anthony. Warren sucks though. I don't know why y'all are mad--Paul was never The One.

Posted by: Cilantro | January 25, 2007 09:25 AM


That's going to be my new battle cry when the poo hits the fan at work.

co-worker: The network has crashed... what now?!
me: Sun Chips and FEATS OF STRENGTH!
co-worker: I feel so much better now.
me: WINE!
co-worker: ::blinks::

Posted by: CLD | January 25, 2007 09:27 AM

Oh, I LOVE me some "Baby Boom." Much like "The Secret of My Success," it features some classic 80s soundtrack choices. Not actual songs, of course, but rather the Driving Saxophone of the High-Powered, Shoulder-Padded, Puffy Sneakered New York Career Woman and the Tinkly Synthesizer of the High-Powered New York Career Woman Learning to Love. It doesn't get much better than that, frankly.

I feel you on the crushing workiness. I have been there for the past three weeks, too. Sun Chips help, as do Combos.

Posted by: Lawyerish | January 25, 2007 09:46 AM

THREE - Get her to open the box.

And that's the way we do it!

ps - meet me at the grocery store...

Posted by: Luck O' the Irish | January 25, 2007 09:47 AM

Feats of Strength are always a plus~~~ If you said that to your dad and then disolved into hysterical laughter he might visit you with a straight jacket and a mega box of wine. Might not be a bad thing!

Posted by: Niki P. | January 25, 2007 09:54 AM

I'm trying really hard to think of something witty to say, because everyone on here is so damn witty. My head is still reeling from my NyQuil overdose however, so I'll have to think of something later. Glad you're back and at least sane enough to type. :)

Posted by: DippyChick | January 25, 2007 09:55 AM

Ugh, Anthony? Really? I'd rather Liz end up a crazy cat lady (she's working on it already!) than with that wimp-o Anthony.

I won't tell you how happy I was to see you updated, Doxie. That would be embarrassing and not at all a feat of strength.

Posted by: missbanshee | January 25, 2007 10:20 AM

De-lurking to say that I have been laughing inappropriately loudly in my office reading this and either my bosses will have me carted off to the looney bin or perhaps they will fire me. Totally worth the hilarity either way.

Posted by: Faith | January 25, 2007 10:22 AM

You're alive!!!!! Hallelujah, let the drinking and the fete-ing begin!
I have to tell you, I received a Miss Doxie necklace for Christmas from my bestest girlfriend and I love it. My husband was even impressed, which says a lot. So, good on you and your creative genius.
-Hillary in Montana

Posted by: hillary | January 25, 2007 10:44 AM

E-Z Cheese in the bedroom? Part of me thinks of cheesy love scenes and the other part thinks of Deliverance.

Posted by: hello insomnia | January 25, 2007 10:47 AM

In case you haven't thought of it you could put your video on youtube, then you don't have to worry about computer compatibility AND you'll get tons more watchers/readers.

Posted by: Allyson | January 25, 2007 10:48 AM

I got to the part where you didn't have time to talk to yourself and actually had to get up and go pee I was laughing so hard. Thanks to you I almost wet myself. I hope you're happy.

Posted by: Gypsy | January 25, 2007 10:53 AM

Hee! I've been laughing way too loudly all through this. I'm glad that you found time to resurface, sad that you're so submerged, and hoping that soon you'll be sumberged in WINE, so that your tired brain can have a nice, liquory rest.

Posted by: alice | January 25, 2007 11:03 AM

I'd chip in on seeing Donald Trump the opposite of live.

Posted by: Erratic Prophet | January 25, 2007 11:25 AM

SOOOO glad you are alive, Doxie!

That being said, I have to agree that you need Jack Bauer. He would take care of the whole situation. Client confidentiality be damned!

EZ Cheez and Britney Spears? Sounds like a recipe for a BAD yeast infection.

Posted by: Leesavee | January 25, 2007 11:30 AM

Just so you know, Leigh, you are TODAY at least, one of only two attorneys for whom I have any respect or affection. Lucky for him, the other one is my boss!

Hang in there kiddo. Look at the bright side, your name could be Mike Nifong!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | January 25, 2007 11:32 AM

OMG - it's not fair that you make me laugh so much. My hair, too, is seceding from the union. In this case it's one lock of hair that insists on hanging down the middle of my forehead instead of staying over to the left with the rest of my bangs. What is it about that?! I'll take a martini, but will pass on the cattle prod.

Posted by: Linda | January 25, 2007 11:33 AM

After the traffic hell that was this morning, I am with you on the Jan 22 Trump thoughts. Me and at least half of the Atl Metro...

Posted by: Amity | January 25, 2007 11:56 AM

Three - Make her open the box

*best dance move EVER*

Posted by: Audrey | January 25, 2007 12:23 PM

I agree with Amity. Traffic was hell this morning. I live downtown and was trying to get out to head north on 75 rather than the other way around. Even that took an absurd amount of time. Not only is Donald Trump appearing today but there's also an International Poultry Convention going on. I'm blaming being late for work on Jim Perdue and some fried chicken.

Posted by: Bevvy | January 25, 2007 12:28 PM

Hi Miss Doxie, so glad you're back! We missed you!

I am sitting in my office chortling (I like that word!) over the EZ Cheez.

As for the Lynn Johnston reference, I knew it wouldn't work out with Paul; they were from two different worlds. To be honest, I know it's boring, but I do like the Anthony idea. Warren is the one she'll always have a "thing" for but he's not the settling down kind of man. In the end, Anthony is the right one.

My husband and I discuss ongoing events in "For Better or for Worse" as if they are real people. Years ago he said that if they killed off the old dog he wouldn't read it anymore. But he lied. He still reads it. I think it helped the old dog died saving April as toddler.

Posted by: Mauigirl52 | January 25, 2007 12:36 PM

So you know what's nice and reassuring but also sort of frustrating?

I've checked this site approximately 15 times since 8 o'clock this morning, the last of which being about 15 minutes ago. And there was nothing. And then there was something! With 34 comments already! So the nice and reassuring part is A: You are not, as assumed, dead. B: I am not the only one who obsessively monitors this website.

The frustrating part is that I got crazy psyched when I saw the post because I thought "SURELY I must be the first to realize the updateage! OF COURSE I am going to be the first commentor!"

But, nooooo. All these people got here before me.

God, don't you groupies have lives? Jeez.

Aaaanyway, glad you're A: Not dead and I am B: not crazy or at least C: not the ONLY crazy one.

Please include details of your Friday Night EZ CHEESE adventures in your next post.

Posted by: Kate | January 25, 2007 12:38 PM

I've said it once and I'll say it again -- with that mustache, Anthony is NOT the one for Elizabeth. I mean, COME ON!

Posted by: canknitian | January 25, 2007 01:31 PM

I would like to thank you for amusing my whole office today. Like a Sturgeon. BRILLIANT>

Posted by: Amy | January 25, 2007 01:56 PM

OMG! Not only did your post have me giggling hystericaly, but the comments of your devout worshippers almost made me snort the pink wine I was sipping through a straw out my nose. Which tends to be frowned upon here at work. That human head just might my mine, courtsey of my Dark Masters who have absolutely NO sense of humor.

Posted by: Sharon | January 25, 2007 02:04 PM

Had to share this. Was re-reading one of your older posts (about Bo) last week when I was on vacation - with my 25# lummox cat, Sam the Incredibly Gorgeous, sprawled on my lap - and I was laughing so hard that I frightened Sam! He jumped from my lap and started circling my chair, chattering at me nonstop - which of course only made me laugh harder! Poor Sam - I had to explain to him that I was not laughing at HIM. Cats highly value their ersatz dignity you know!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | January 25, 2007 02:49 PM

Oh, Miss Doxie. How can we be expected to make it for weeks (weeks!) without you? Perhaps you could consider quitting your job to solely focus on blogging? I realize that you have devoted many years of expensive & difficult schooling to your career, but . . . yeah, I'm not really sure why that matters exactly. CLEARLY you have a responsibility here!

Love, love, love your blog! So glad to have you back for the moment!

Posted by: Shawnee | January 25, 2007 02:54 PM

Well, I had something all funny and witty read to go for the comments, but then I got caught up in the comment discussion of the soap operaish, dramatic turn For Better or For Worse seems to have taken in the past few years. The last time I read Elizabeth was in high school... now she's leaving someone for a wussy, girly man with a bad mustache? What??

Posted by: Angela | January 25, 2007 02:59 PM

i hate anthony, don't care about warren, and knew it wouldn't work out with paul...but dammit! there's gotta be some other men in that world for elizabeth.

also - speaking of feats of strength, i read the entry AND all the comments and did not laugh out loud even once (since the surgery last week, laughing hurts), and that's being strong. you may all bow before me and my oddly distended abdomen.

Posted by: amy | January 25, 2007 03:15 PM

OMG, Miss Doxie, I wish *I* were your secretary!!!

Posted by: kate setzer kamphausen | January 25, 2007 03:42 PM

I wish I were your secretary too!! Not that I don't enjoy working for the 3 attorneys that I work for....but I've never worked for a female attorney that I liked:0(

Posted by: Pam | January 25, 2007 03:45 PM

I wanted Paul to be the one. I don't want Liz to end up back with Anthony or Warren! *sniffle*

Posted by: Ivie | January 25, 2007 04:06 PM

KATE and I were hitting refresh at the exact same time all day and that caused a small tear in the universe that kept us and only us from being the first commenter (s).

YAY Doxie!

Posted by: Scottsdale Girl | January 25, 2007 04:26 PM

Watch out for Baby Boom. This movie gives you a completely inaccurate take on having a career and having babies -- i.e., that it can be done well. In fact, moms with careers usually end up doing a bad job of both, and usually DON'T dream up a cottage industry so profitable that it allows them to say NO to ridiculously huge buyout offers. I saw Baby Boom back when it came out, and look what happened to me: four children and a cottage industry which is SO not making me a ton of money.

Posted by: Gretchen | January 25, 2007 04:51 PM

Hahaha I love all the FBofW bitterness in here. Seriously, I hate that strip but feel compelled to continue reading it. If Liz ends up with CreepyAnthony (and his creepy Grandpa-stach) in whatever trite "romantic" lame storyline, steam may very well come from my ears. And really, who didn't see that Paul-and-Susan storyline coming? Lynn practically beat us over the head with the "foreshadowing."

Anyways! Glad you're alive, sorry you're so over-worked.

Over at your parents' house, d*ck in a box!!

Posted by: Bean | January 25, 2007 05:09 PM

Just in case no one has mentioned this yet: it is possible for Mac people to see Windows Media player files, because Windows has a free Mac-formatted download on their website (.. or, they did six months ago. I'm pretty sure they still do).

Posted by: Sarah | January 25, 2007 05:13 PM

Laughed....out loud....in....my....cube. Boss thinks I am now on sex chatroom. The reason for my burst of guffaw?

"Do you think my dad will laugh if I send him a text message that says, "HI MOTHERFUCKER!"?"

Oh my God, way too funny. Hope case eases up soon and you can return to your wine-drinking schedule....like I have.

Posted by: Leslie | January 25, 2007 06:24 PM

Oh and I LOVE Baby Boom. Diane Keaton really is the TigerWoman she portrays in that movie. I wonder what ever happened to that baby?

Posted by: Leslie | January 25, 2007 06:29 PM

now ya got me wanting cheese in a can.

and singing 'like a sturgeon'.

i may just sing it all the way to the piggly wiggly.

Posted by: Amy | January 25, 2007 07:42 PM


Posted by: kara marie | January 25, 2007 07:42 PM

I live with a cop, and as long as you don't point fingers and name names, you can tell the circumstances in a "hypothetical" type of way. I have heard some GREAT stories this way, and you can probably tell us all about it if you leave out the names. And the pointing. *hopeful*

Posted by: Jennifer C. | January 25, 2007 08:22 PM

My next line was gonna be TWO: Put your junk in that box.. but someone thought of that already and then I was like, well I can do the THREE.. but then someone did THAT one TOO! Dammit! So now I'm leaving work and singing "It's my >>>> in a box.." which is just wrong for a girl to be singing.. and wondering who I can send 'Hi Motherfucker' to who would find that funny of any parental type unit.. yeah.. hm. I got nothin.

Posted by: Angel | January 25, 2007 09:09 PM

Re: Lynn Johnson, I wanted Paul to be The One. He was "Mr. Wright," after all! Plus, how romantic to live up in the north, her error was going back to the city. C'mon. It's Canada! It's not THAT exciting. And think of poor little Jesse, left all alone....

I'm over it.

But maybe Paul has a brother?

Glad you're back, Miss Doxie. I had no idea that many other people read For Better or for Worse.

Posted by: Princess in Galoshes | January 25, 2007 09:53 PM

DOXIE: "Hey, is a "sturgeon" a fish?"

You kill me girl. Welcome back, we missed you. ALOT. I just asked my boyfriend if a sturgeon is a fish. Yes, it's a large fish. A VERY large fish. And apparently it produces caviar, and is long-lived. Wow! He's just full of useless information! Oh, and he just said they are bottom-dwelling and have whiskers like catfish, and they are gray. Better have another glasss of wine.

Have a great weekend!

Posted by: jamie | January 25, 2007 09:58 PM

Concerning the ipod toilet roll holder:knowing it is "moisture resistant" is pretty gross

Posted by: thelittlewitch | January 25, 2007 10:57 PM

I read FBOFW archives about once a month. Now I am skeered to catch up. Anthony? Shudder.

I think I would avoid the cheese in a can in the bedroom unless you want a threesome with Bo.

Posted by: Julie | January 26, 2007 08:23 AM

I need to know: Why the blinding rage towards Lynn Johnson? I used to love her comic strip when I was growing up. It was creepy though because everything that happened in her family seemed to happen in mine...like Elizabeth - we kind of look alike and she becamse a teacher. JUST LIKE ME. Coincidence? I think not. So, seriously, why the rage?

Posted by: Lani | January 26, 2007 11:35 AM

Yes! Nonsensical emails are pretty much the best thing ever. Except for that part about the cocktail and the cattle prod. Electricty+liquid=tears. And maybe death. No telling what it would do for your rebellious hair.

Posted by: Kanigget | January 26, 2007 11:48 AM

BTW - have you ever checked out her online comic strip? It's creey, the characters blink and stuff. *shudder*

Posted by: Lani | January 26, 2007 11:50 AM

I'm glad someone else wants to punch Lynn J besides me! You guys are right - Anthony and Warren are as creepy as that guy that tried to attack Liz... I KNEW the Paul thing was going to go south as soon as Susan (HUSSY!!!)showed up!

Posted by: Laurie | January 26, 2007 12:03 PM

I'll have you know that my father was born in Paducah.

My January has been pretty much the same as yours.

Posted by: Kristen | January 26, 2007 12:10 PM

Speaking of the 80's (and, you know, sort of like I'm FROM the 80's), and movies from the 80's, I saw the BEST 80's movie the other day. Youngblood! The hockey movie! Where a young Rob Lowe has to learn the important life lesson of: if you don't kick peoples' collective asses in hockey, you'll never make it to the pros. Good one for the kiddies! Let's nurture those homicidal tendencies, shall we?

Posted by: Erin | January 26, 2007 03:19 PM

ok, after reading the comments I have to agree the whole "Paul & Susan (beaver bucker? what was her nickname?) long lost friends crap...it's was pretty obvious Paul was either going to cheat on Elizabeth or break up with her for Susan...Susan who when we first saw her in the strip was aboriginal looking and now looks white. Anyway..there is NO WAY Elizabeth will go with Warren. He offered to take her a day early knowing full well she would find out about Paul and Susan. If he was a real man (ok, ya he isn't but...lets pretend) he would have told her straight out, no hints. Then there is ol' boring as plain oatmeal Anthony with the serial killer 'stach. That story line has been beaten to death. Dead dead..........

Posted by: Melissa | January 26, 2007 04:49 PM

Woo-hoo! Baby Boom! And here I thought I was the only person to see that movie in the 21st century. My mom pines for Sam Sheperd in that movie.

Posted by: Chiada | January 26, 2007 07:20 PM

I came across your site from a friend's. I have two cats who can also be quite bad (they're both virgins, but not female, sorry Bo). Sorry about all the work, but good luck with the EZ CHEEZ. Hey, maybe you can convince Britney Spears to use it in a commercial and they'll give you $1M just for the idea!

Posted by: Katie Ann | January 26, 2007 08:12 PM

Regular lurker (and Miss Doxie shopper) who wants to know why you're pissed at Lynn Johnson. I read that strip EVERY day - maybe because Paul hooked up with Susan and Elizabeth is now without a man? Gotta know.

Posted by: Heather | January 27, 2007 12:43 AM

I feel like all your posts in the last year are about how you can't post :( I miss your old stuff!

Posted by: heather donovan | January 27, 2007 05:02 AM

Ok, I'm just waiting for the next "phase" of the strip, where Elizabeth wears black leather and carries a whip; Granthony is on his knees, naked, groveling. With Cheese Whiz mixed in there somewhere. It's a logical progression....

And yes, those of us who obsess about FBOFW are not quite right in the head.

Posted by: Shodan | January 27, 2007 05:28 AM

I can totally relate to the post about FBOBW shadowing your life--but in my case it was me and Ellie (yes, I am old). She was pregnant with her son at the same time I was pregnant with my daughter, she had her first grandchild when I had mine, etc. etc. Creepy.

But because I am old, maybe that's why I still like the Anthony idea, though I agree he needs to lose the 'stache. He may not be hot, but he's reliable and he's always been there. That's worth a lot of hot.

Posted by: Cilantro | January 27, 2007 09:56 AM

I am falling apart laughing that so many of us are so damn invested in FBOFW. Falling apart laughing.

I just had to drop my two motherfuckers...I mean beloved cats at the kennel cause we're going to Disney World tomorrow and I feel like the worst cat momma EVAH. Doxie, please tell me that the dogs forgave you and my motherfuckers...I mean beloved cats that I love more than breath will forgive me too? It's only for four days! (Wah!)

Posted by: missbanshee | January 27, 2007 01:02 PM

It sounds to me like someone needs a Bahamavention. hth! :)

Posted by: Beer | January 27, 2007 10:45 PM

Dear Miss Doxie, Please can you quit your mysterious, slutty job where you receive body parts in boxes and cover others up from the prying eyes of partners, and just become a full time writer already?

You are just too good to be making grown men cry with legal doodads, and you sure make me cry with laughter at your witty turn of phrase.

Also, would your father laugh at that text message? Cos I laughed outloud.

Posted by: Adele Richards | January 28, 2007 01:15 PM

So glad to know those owls didn't take you away to a convent, because what would Bo do then?! Probably eat EZ-CHEEZ.

Like a sturgeon . . . scaled for the Sunday Fish Fry . . .

Posted by: Davey | January 28, 2007 02:25 PM

Miss Doxie,

Really, except for making grown men (who deserve it) cry - how could legaling possibly bring you the satisfaction and acclaim that you receive here everytime you post. It's time to seriouly consider doing what you were obviously born to do as your as your primary vocation. You can moonlight back to the ole law firm when they need someone to make grown men cry or a book written.

Posted by: Matt | January 28, 2007 03:10 PM

I was totally devastated by the whole Paul thing......

The above statement only makes sense if you read For Better.... Wait... I need coffee... ignore this hungover comment.


Posted by: shy me | January 28, 2007 03:47 PM

PHEW! I'm just glad you're OKAY!!! I logged on to your site the other day and it was blank. I was a little concerned. Your month sounds a bit like mine...working constantly and forgetting what hubby looks like. I think my dogs forgot that I was their mommy too. :( Hopefully it starts to slow down for all of us!

Posted by: Megan | January 29, 2007 09:22 AM

I don't know about sending Jack Bauer. He might kill you! Especially if you have something he needs, like wine!

Posted by: Sara | January 29, 2007 10:00 AM

HEEEEEEEE. I wish I had gotten that one about Donald Trump being the opposite. Next time when we're stuck in traffic where it takes 60 minutes to go one mile, I will text it.

Except I mostly blame Guiliani for that.

Posted by: Hannah Beth | January 29, 2007 03:55 PM

i started reading your blog towards the end of last year and never have i been so excited to read entries from a person i have no basic things in common with (ie: i am not a dog owner, nor am i a lawyer, nor do i live in atlanta). and i mean that as an awesome compliment. you never fail to crack me up -- like a sturgeon? amazing!

Posted by: erica | January 29, 2007 08:48 PM

I am so wishing that my IM conversations were that entertaining!! I hope that the Cheez Whiz was a hit. :)

Posted by: Kate Elizabeth | January 29, 2007 09:24 PM

I am so wishing that my IM conversations were that entertaining!! I hope that the Cheez Whiz was a hit. :)

Posted by: Kate Elizabeth | January 29, 2007 09:25 PM

poor dukay, not getting some cheesy sex...ooo, you guys should get the kind with Bacon bits!! why? oh hell, cause it's chunky!

Posted by: Karamia | January 29, 2007 10:18 PM

Chunky EZ-Cheese. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Doxie, I am SO glad you popped in for a little visit to your blog. The party is never as fun without you!

Every time one of these loooooooooong hiatuses of yours hits, I get a little desperate.

And really. You can't throw out things like body parts in a box without giving us a little more detail. That's just cruel. And what have we, your loyal stalkers (oh, I mean readers) done to *you*???

Lots of hugs, come up for air soon. mk

Posted by: markira | January 30, 2007 07:38 AM

Am I the only one who watches Arrested Development, because wine in a box with a straw, well that totally reminds me of Buster finding Lucille's "emergency wine" and thinking it is a giant juice box.

And, Ew Brittney Spears + sex + easy cheese+= a new and if possible even grosser take on "fromunda cheese". Just EW!

PS. The female equvalent of d*ck in a box is "p*ssy in a bag". Our cat jumped in a victoria's secret bag the other day, and I took it in to my husband and yelled "it's my p*ssy in a bag" when he opened it. He about died.

Posted by: courtney | January 30, 2007 01:27 PM

Am I the only one who thinks Courtney needs her own blog? I mean, come on, pussy in a bag?? That's some funny shit, right there.

Posted by: Contrary | January 30, 2007 04:46 PM

Any mention of Britney Spears is unquestionably pornographic - but when you add in EZ CHEEZ - that's just over the line!

It is now nearly Groundhog Day - time for more Miss Doxie posts!

Posted by: Gayle Miller | January 31, 2007 04:49 PM

Jan 17th rocks my socks. My dad wouldn't appreciate the humor, tho. I'm right there with you on "THE DONALD," too.

Oh, and EZ Cheese is okay, but only if you use it to make the little frilly dots in interesting locations. Squirting it out all snaky is just weird. And you have to wash (not just wipe) everywhere you put it before you sleep. Crustiness ensues otherwise. The American cheese in the blue top is bettah than cheddah!

Posted by: NikNik | February 1, 2007 03:09 PM

mmmmmm.... e-z cheeze (it's not cheese without the z).
Glad you're not like, dead, or something.

Posted by: Mrs X | February 1, 2007 04:51 PM

YAY! You're posting again! I'd just about decided that my doxie, Lucy, & I would have to form a search party for you and the boy toy.

Please update us on Bo's rumblings & the general state of the bad little dogs.

Take care!

Posted by: Melissa O in NYC | February 2, 2007 02:59 AM

I wonder how much it would cost to see Donald Trump the opposite of "live"? Wanna go halfsies?

Posted by: Isabel | February 6, 2007 05:32 PM

BUT, do you know about Box in a Box?!


ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh dear lord...

i used to suffer from O.N. (office nipples) too, but then i found the gap tshirt bra and it's changed my life. sorry, dudes that were looking!!!

enjoy the video, y'all!

Posted by: Kelly | March 12, 2007 06:19 PM

and PS: weird al already wrote the like a sturgeon song.

why?! WHY do i know that?!

Posted by: kelly | March 12, 2007 06:20 PM

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