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Quality Is Overrated

October 25, 2006

Hi there! Hope you are not looking for something good! Because, I have been a little busy. And apparently, as demonstrated below, I do not have the time for complete sentences. Aren't you psyched?

So basically, here is the short version. And by short version, I mean "now I will go over, in minute detail, the trivial annoyances that have kept me from writing stuff."

It also means, "By the way, I seem to have written this whole thing in the present tense. Seriously, please go read the newspaper. Or a flyer. Or an instruction manual, for God's sake, because this is all I've got and I actually need to get back to work even though it is 11 p.m."

But anyway. Shortish version:

Last week, I go to work, like the little adult I pretend to be. While there, I am informed that I am leaving for Dallas the following day. Dandy.

I catch a 7 a.m. flight to Dallas the next morning. I get to Dallas and I deal with a Crisis, which turns out to be so delightfully crisis-y and compounded that I never actually see my hotel room in Dallas, which allegedly contained (1) a bed, and (2) a shower. Instead, I spend the entire night working in a bitty little office that is quite literally, according to the properties of gravity and physics, too small to contain me, my laptop, and my Delta-approved carry-on bag all at the same time. We take shifts.

It is about sixteen hundred degrees in this office. I am informed that the heat is stuck on high, but that someone is coming to fix it the next day. This does not help me very much.

Also, there is no food. I start chewing on pencils and checking the corners for discarded, hair-covered mints. I am unsuccessful.

The next morning, I arrive at the airport at 5:30 in preparation for my 7 a.m. flight, wearing the same suit that I flew to Dallas in the day before. Only now it is sweatier. In the past 24 hours, I have eaten a total of three peanuts and one half of a slimy, brownish banana that someone located in a breakroom. Everything is closed, and so I prepare to scavenge for unaccompanied children, who I will cook over a spit in a darkened sundries store.

I go through security. I am repeatedly informed, by officious little plastic signs, that I am not allowed to make jokes about bombs. Immediately, all I can think of are a lot of jokes about bombs. There are not very many good jokes about bombs.

I bypass the line of people who are waiting to have their liquids inspected. I feel vaguely superior for having packed no liquids.

Possibly I am a little too cocky about my understanding of the regulations regarding liquids on carry-ons.

Following the x-ray of my bag, I am pulled out of the line, without shoes, and informed that there is a Problem. A very nice man directs me to the holding area for alarming airplane flyers. I have been wearing the same suit for over 30 hours. I smell worse than anybody else, and I am oddly satisfied by that. I plan on using this fact in my defense, as it means that I have obviously not packed any liquid, such as, for example, perfume.

(Or soap, actually. I also have no soap.)

The nice man shakes his head at me. I am informed that I have committed the cardinal offense of bringing lip gloss onto the airplane. Time for beatings.

I am also informed that lip gloss is a regulated item, and is listed on the same page as nunchakus. meat cleavers, and sabers. Also prohibited on this list: cattle prods, throwing stars, and dynamite. I am heartened by the fact that I am reasonably sure that I left my cattle prod at home, but...I mean, you never know! What if I packed it by accident?

Also, in reviewing the list kindly provided by the nice man, all I can think is that this...well, I mean, it's sort of an alarming tableau of kinky. The only way these elements may again be reunited is if they remake Blue Velvet. I think I am funny.

Simultaneously, I think immediately of about fifteen jokes involving lip gloss and bombs. With great effort, I supress.

The nice man starts to go through my bag. I tell him timidly -- as one does when she has no shoes on and her jacket is over there somewhere and so she is in this little camisole shirt thing and she is cold and also possibly a felon -- that I do not wear lip gloss. I am unaware of a lip gloss situation. I am not perpetuating the lip gloss machine! Plus, I do not even own any throwing stars. Basically, what I am saying is, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GIRL.

The nice man proceeds to empty the contents of my carry-on. This enables me to see the clean underwear I am not wearing. I sigh.

Nice man sifts through the clothes, and finds my little toiletries bag. He very carefully lifts the bag, as though my lip gloss may detonate at any minute ("Easy, breezy, beautiful, BOOM!"), and sloooooowly unzips the top.

(I am actually all fascinated now, because did someone actually plant lip gloss on my person? That would be...I don't even know. Kind of awesome.)

(I begin imagining a Maybelline Mafia, led by Christy Turlington. They are all armed with eyelash curlers and those white pencils I have no idea what one is supposed to do with. This is sort of pleasing again, and I forget about the underwear problem.)

But I am right smack dab in the middle of the lip gloss problem still, and this is when nice man lets out a little gasp of FOUND IT, and promptly pulls out...a tube of lipstick.

"Lip gloss," he whispers.

"Lipstick," I say. "Which is hard. You know."

He stares, perplexed, at the little tube. And then he opens it, and rolls it on out, and sighs.

"Lipstick!" I say triumphantly, at 6 a.m. and wearing the same suit I have worn for thirty hours. I feel vindicated. I am taking what I can get at this point, and see, I am not a crook, mister nice guy in the vest! I told you I didn't wear lip gloss, you big old non-believer looking out for my well-being!

He continues to stare at the tube. Then he suddenly leans in to me.

"How am I supposed to tell?" he asks in a desperate whisper. "It all looks the same. I've been screening for ten years, but what do I know about makeup? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MAKEUP."

"Well, lip gloss is...wetter," I begin, trying to be helpful. But he has other fish to fry.

"And do you know what they have now?" he continues, about two centimeters away from my face. "They have LIQUID EYELINER. PLEASE TELL ME WHY WOMEN NEED LIQUID EYELINER."

"I don't...hi!" I say. "Hi! Actually, can I have my shoes?"

He is not much listening to me.

"Are Prescriptives prescribed?" he demands. "Is that medicine? Because a lady last week told me that Prescriptives makeup was medicine."

I end up spending a good ten minutes with the nice guy in the vest. He has sort of a working knowledge of makeup brands now. I may have made a joke about Wet 'N Wild being an explosive device that magically transported all wearers back to 1985, but fortunately, he overlooked that. Small plastic signs everywhere quivered in horror. And I am officially the lamest little rebel in all of Texas.

Incidentally, I manage to remember that everything is bigger in Texas.

Simultaneously, I opt not to mess with the state.

Probably for these reasons, I am permitted to board the plane. I am sitting in the middle seat of the second-to-last row.

Next to a baby. And I like babies. But this one is mad.

Although I am bone tired, and still have seven zillion more things to do, and have been detained for transporting dangerous cosmetics, I still recognize the fact that I have officially begun living a cliche. I start looking for white people dancing badly/women shopping/men refusing to ask for directions.

The flight attendant, who recognizes me from the previous day, and apparently recognizes the suit -- or smells the desperation coming off of me in waves (smells like feet!) -- offers me a little bottle of vodka from her pocket. It is 7:16 a.m.

The in-flight movie thingy is about Jennifer Anniston's status as a style icon. It involves a lot of pictures of her breasts, plus startling statements about her personal style, such as the time she wore a red dress. "RED HOT!" hollers the little box on the screen. Two minutes later, she is "THE LADY IN RED!" This makes the baby scream. I understand the baby.

I doze off, only to be immediately shaken awake by nice flight attendant with the vodka, who informs me that I am drooling onto the bosoms of the passenger in seat 48F. I am only mildly horrified by this. Passenger in seat 48F, who had explained to me upon take-off that she was "drugged to the gills" and would sleep through the flight, is entirely unconscious, and has not noticed.

I spend a solid ten minutes debating whether it is proper to clean my own drool off of passenger in 48F. I ask myself repeatedly, "What would Jackie O. do?" I finally realize that Jackie O. would not be caught dead in seat 48E.

Watch more of Jennifer Anniston's boobs. A red dress again? What vision!

The baby has a cold. The baby is travelling with his dad. His dad is sleeping. The baby starts sneezing on me. Copiously.

The flight attendant brings me a washcloth, as the entire left side of my body is covered in snot. She wakes the baby's dad and informs him that baby just sneezed up a gallon of sludge. He tells her to mind her own business.

She offers me the vodka again.

I arrive in Atlanta. I pay one hundred million dollars to retrieve my car. I return to the office, smelling like a jock strap and covered in infant snot. I inform my co-workers that I am sexy. They gag reflexively.

I start working, and quickly realize that I cannot find the paperwork I am supposed to have.

I turn my carry-on bag inside out, before realizing that paperwork in question is probably still on the inspection table in the dangerous-flyers section of DFW airport. With a nice guy in a vest.

I see something small and shiny in the bottom of the bag, way over in the corner, half concealed by the stitching. I reach down, wiggle it out, and hold it up in the light.

It is a tube of lip gloss. And it is made by Wet 'N Wild.

Seriously. Where it came from, I do not know. But this is when I decided to go home.

So, now you know where I've been! And clearly, I've been all busy, being a hardcore lip gloss smuggler. They'll never catch me! I'm Wet! 'N I am Wild! I am too wild to spell out the entirety of the word "and." That is pretty damn wild.

I have, actually, done other things as well, including a trip to the mountains with our bestest friends Spam and Cookie (listen, do not blame me for these nicknames, as they were Spam's own creation, and that is only after he was convinced not to refer to his wife as "Turkey," as was apparently the original plan). And we took pictures of leaves there. And we drank some things, and I was sorry I had not collected all those nice little vodka bottles for later.

But unfortunately, I can't go into much detail about all that awesomeness, as I have to do more work now, because I am still busy as all hell. But here are several things I should type before I go back to typing words like "aforementioned" and "heretofore," which are, at this point, dangerously close to becoming part of my regular vocabulary:

1. I have 1,310 emails. I have read about six of them. I swear I will get to it. If it is some sort of email emergency, please just...I don't know. Alert me somehow! Try faxing!

2. Y'all go here and check out the lovely things these talented people are selling for breast cancer awareness month. Each of them is donating some percentage of their sales to breast cancer related charities, and this is obviously very cool. So shop, but feel totally good about it, and everyone wins! Including boobs!

3. I don't actually have a third thing.

Y'all have a good week, and I will try to stop working for a minute and be back with some actual stories about something or other. Until then, nobody mix lip gloss and a cattle prod. Because that sounds a little too wet 'n wild, even for me.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

79 Comments

Awwww. I'm in Dallas. Next time give us a heads up, I'll bring a tiny chicken fried steak dinner and a massive beer to your tiny little office. Cheers!

Posted by: suz | October 25, 2006 11:20 PM

Oh, man. IF ONLY. I am still hungry from that trip.

You could bring chicken fried steak to Atlanta! As long as it is not liquid!

Posted by: miss doxie | October 25, 2006 11:21 PM

The MAYBELLINE MAFIA. Really, I don't know where to focus my attention on other than that. Because all of my mafia-esque fantasies heretoforth (fantasies? Of the mafia? Did I just say that?) shall involve Christy Turlington in some sort of thousand years' war with Christie Brinkley. And then Christy Turlington will kill Molly Sims and leave her head in Christie Brinkley's bed one night, and never explain it. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sure I care if Molly dies, just as long as someone takes out Sarah Michelle Gellar in the process (is she still with Maybelline?). And also, maybe Maybelline can get into a giant war with Revlon and rip Halle Berry's ears off and maybe force Kate Bosworth to eat a whole pizza. Wouldn't that be something?

Posted by: jonniker | October 25, 2006 11:43 PM

My question is why the offending lipgloss was not detected when you left Atlanta, obviously those Texan x-ray machines are super sensitive to Wet N Wild...

Posted by: Uli | October 25, 2006 11:52 PM

That was a seriously funny post. Now go take that shower. I can smell you from here.

Posted by: mackmomma | October 25, 2006 11:53 PM

Before a recent trip, I did a thorough review of the aforementioned list. I was most disturbed by the fact that less than 4oz of "personal lubricant" was allowed, but lip gloss was forbidden. Emergency personal lubricant, perhaps? Someone might get lucky in business class? Or maybe the airlines need it to facilitate sticking their collective heads up their collective asses?

I was so disgusted, I knowingly brought two lipglosses through security without getting caught. Yea, me!

Of course, I fell asleep in Atlanta airport and accidentally (no, really) got on the plane with a large bottle of evian. I wanted so desparately to drink it, but I had images of someone screaming, "She's got water!" and then being pinned to sticky airplane carpeting by a group of would-be heroes.

Posted by: StampyDurst | October 26, 2006 12:01 AM

I'm in Dallas, too. You have an entire catering service AT YOUR BECK AND CALL - you only needed to let us know you would be here! And we would feed you! And perhaps bring you little warm washcloths you could use to freshen up. Because wearing the same suit for 48 hours? Is nasty.

Also: the TSA tried to confiscate my lipgloss this week, too. But I refused to surrender the power of MAC lip products.

And so I checked my carry-on luggage. I totally felt THAT strongly about it.

Posted by: jes | October 26, 2006 12:09 AM

You are awesome. And if you managed to educate the nice TSA man about the intricacies of makeup, so that he will allow more beauty-product-laden people through to peacefully board their flights, you have done the world a great service.

Congratulations on finally getting out of the smelly suit, too.

Posted by: alice | October 26, 2006 01:03 AM

Wow. Really? I think they lock those poor TSA people in pet carriers and keep them in the airport over night. This is all in the attempt to make sure they don't have their views colored by the outside world and, I don't know, maybe sane, rational thinking. Lip gloss was totally a plant to keep things lively.

Posted by: Kanigget | October 26, 2006 01:27 AM

You should have taken Bo with you. Bo would have effed up every little obstacle in your way and had the baby for breakfast.

(and I bet he would have graciously accepted the vodka.)

Posted by: Amy | October 26, 2006 01:35 AM

If only you had known about the stowaway Wet-n-Wild gloss! Because if the formula is the same as it was circa 1987, the, ah, fragrance would have covered up any 30-hour suit stink.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban | October 26, 2006 02:03 AM

Wait. I am not a flying-type person, so pardon my ignorance when I say: they still don't let you bring water on? I thought when they loosened up on the liquids, that would be the first thing on the list. I totally refuse to ever fly anywhere (which, you know, is taking a whole two hundred dollars every thirty years out of the airlines' pockets, at my current rate) until they allow me to bring a big ol huge bottle of water.

Did you ever get your papers back? I am so concerned.

Posted by: Rachel | October 26, 2006 02:28 AM

Oh my god, so funny. But did you get the papers back? That's going to make me tense all day.

Posted by: Swistle | October 26, 2006 07:13 AM

Once when I was flying to Florida, I foolishly wore a jacket halfway zipped up over a shirt that was, truthfully, too small, but I figured it would be okay because the jacket covered it up. Except I didn't know that you have to take all jacket-type things off, as well as your shoes. So I had to go through the x-ray thing with my pants pulled up as high as they would go, trying to cover my (not very nice or pleasant) stomach THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE COVERED WITH THE JACKET! I was very mortified.

Posted by: D | October 26, 2006 07:59 AM

"...smells the desperation coming off of me in waves (smells like feet!)..."

I *knew* that's what desperation smelled like!!! I just couldn't put my finger on it. I kept coming up with cat urine.

Glad you made it home and we didn't have to see your mug shot on the evening news -- especially in your stank suit and dirty underwear.

Posted by: CLD | October 26, 2006 08:16 AM

You should have put the lipstick on the sleeping woman. Or at least the baby.

Posted by: Danielle | October 26, 2006 08:44 AM

Ha, ha, ha, oh Gawd, ha, ha!

Oh, man.

Still, I need more Gimmme.

Posted by: Mrs.MGA | October 26, 2006 08:51 AM

Good NIGHT nursing Jerusalem! That's RIDICULOUS. Thank you for the warning. We're traveling next weekend on the plane. By "we" I mean me with 3 kids, one a baby, and a Hubby. So make that 4 kids. Haha. At any rate, I will put all lipstick in my checked baggage. Good GRIEF!

And thanks for the laugh. I swear, I was laughing so hard my 3-y/o asked me to stop. I think I was scaring her. HEE!!

Posted by: dcrmom | October 26, 2006 09:59 AM

I was on a Delta flight a few weeks ago and saw the same Jennifer Anniston fashion retrospective. Riviting! I also had issues with lip gloss while trying to board that flight and the TSA guy scolded me for not taking out my plastic baggie of liquids.

Posted by: Carole | October 26, 2006 10:11 AM

What a rough trip! Thanks for mentioning Indie For Awareness!! :D

Posted by: Lilie | October 26, 2006 10:39 AM

Good thing you didn't make a joke about Lip Bomb!

Posted by: Sunni | October 26, 2006 11:11 AM

Heh. If you're not wearing lip gloss, the terrorists have won. Let's hear it for Wet'N Wild!

Also, I just noticed your copyright notice and I may have peed my pants a little. Bo HATE plageurism, yes?

Posted by: Contrary | October 26, 2006 11:41 AM

Oh, please, please make a movie or at least a short film of that trip! Kinda reminds me of «Fighting Club», but in a more...make-up-ish way ? And Christy Turlington could play you! That would be awsome!

Posted by: Valerie | October 26, 2006 11:50 AM

I do not know why you are still doing that lawyer-ing stuff. Obviously your true calling is to write funny stuff for the rest of us to ready!

(Sorry for the suck-y trip and subsequent adventures, but thanks a bunch for sharing it - I *really* needed the laugh!)

Posted by: Linda | October 26, 2006 11:53 AM

oops - "read" not "ready" - I seem to have a typing disorder this morning.

Posted by: Linda | October 26, 2006 11:54 AM

Only you, MD can make a humilating airport search, seem funny....you are a riot!!

Posted by: Laurel | October 26, 2006 12:04 PM

Yesterday I fell down a flight of stairs in front of roughly 2,000,000 19 year-old undergraduates and sprained both my ankles. This meant I could not immediately hop up and pretend that that wasn't me and nothing was wrong, and instead led to much interior cursing and outward smiling and insisting that "I'll be better in a minute" while tiny, fresh voices belonging to tiny, fresh freshmen piped and chorused their concern like a tree-full of goldfinches. There followed much foolishness, capped by my insistence that I could teach a two hour class and go to the health center after, which was a serious error in judgment and one I'm attributing to shock.

I am now lying in my bed with my ankles elevated and wrapped and nestled in not-so-comfy icy pillows of ice and I thought, "Oh, I shall check for a new Miss Doxie. That will cheer me up!" And then my customary moroseness descended and I thought as the computer booted up, "Doubtless there will be no new Miss Doxie, for that is asking too much of the gods who trip me for their sport," but lo! I did look and I did find a brand-spanking-new Miss Doxie, which proves only that while the dogs of society may be howling round the campus stairways waiting to trip up the unsuspecting and term-paper laden, the gods of the over-educated and over-worked will sometimes smile upon one.
Thank you gods, thank you Miss Doxie, and sorry about the tiny hot room, the venting Transport Authority ignoramus, the pungency, the horrid baby and the drooling. Mostly I'm sorry that you are employed by people who would make you work for 36 hours or more in a row. I hope you are grossly overpaid.
And also, next time you have to travel to Dallas, lord's sake, you should insist on being accompanied by an assistant who can carry your suspicious baggagery and hand you talcum powder under the bathroom stall in lieu of a shower and offer you a nice pillow instead of a strange, though cushy, bosom on which to rest your weary head.
Or at least a business class seat.
Least they can do.
Frog Princess

Posted by: Frog Princess | October 26, 2006 12:13 PM

Ah, but they DO let water on the plan now, just not through security. You have to buy it after you pass through security. And you can bring lip gloss, too, you just have to put all of your liquids (have to be 3 oz. or less) in a 1 quart plastic zip-top bag. Yes, 1 quart, not 1 pint or 1 gallon. :-) How did we GET to this point?

I flew last weekend to see my brother & SIL & new baby. I was packing my makeup and contemplating whether Paula Dorf's eye primer was liquid or solid, when I remembered that my 9 day old nephew really wouldn't care. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

Posted by: Peyton | October 26, 2006 12:14 PM

That actually sounded like the best way to visit Texas. I always changed clothes or slept or took a shower, and none of those trips ever worked out.

Posted by: Suz | October 26, 2006 12:38 PM

They will have to throw me in the clink before I let airport security abscond with my MAC makeup bag.

Posted by: Coleen | October 26, 2006 12:45 PM

At the Kansas City International (nope... no International flights) there is a nice cabinet display of the items that may not be taken on a flight.... one, the most prominent I might add, is a chain saw.
"Rules Thwart Chainsaw Terrorists" one can only drool at the thought.

Posted by: David | October 26, 2006 02:22 PM

Well, then. I can officially quit bitching about my upcoming two-day drive to California. At least I won't be on a plane!

Posted by: Nicole | October 26, 2006 02:56 PM

Terrorist! You clearly fit the profile in the TSA computers. So go live in a cave with your Mr. Big Buddy, Osama bin Laden, for a month or so and then see if you will have such contempt for our god-fearing country and Jennifer Anniston's boobs. For sure you won't smell any worse than a bad night in Dallas.

Oh, god, I think I love you!

Posted by: Michael | October 26, 2006 03:10 PM

That's why you always carry that stuff in your pocket. You can smuggle anything (including those round bombs with the fuses) on an airplane if it's tucked in your pocket.

That was, by far, the most comprehensibly bad and absolutely hilarious travel story I've heard all year. I'll bet that shower felt gooooooood...

Posted by: CroutonBoy | October 26, 2006 03:14 PM

This is the best line, "Next to a baby. And I like babies. But this one is mad."
It's says so much without saying it..hmm, not sure if that made sense..lol.
Loved this post, had me crackin up

Posted by: KaraMia | October 26, 2006 03:43 PM

This was almost as good as the time Bo ate your Arby's curly fries.

Posted by: victoria | October 26, 2006 06:44 PM

I have found that if you cry hysterically on planes upsetting those around you, they give you free alcohol. LOTS of IT.

Tears scare flight attendants.

Posted by: Circe | October 26, 2006 09:43 PM

Does anyone want to start a petition with me to get Miss Doxie to quit this frivolous law stuff and just write us funny stories all the time? Seriously, there are several blaaawgs (hate that word) that I love, but you are the only one who makes me laugh out loud inappropriately at work. If I still lived in GA I would very much stalk you and try to make you be my friend...

Posted by: erin | October 26, 2006 09:43 PM

Oh Miss Doxie. You should be careful posting such clever, funny entries about long, bad days, because then we your readers will wish more long, bad days upon you, so that we get more clever, funny entries. Really we don't mean to wish long, bad days upon you, because after this entry, you are perhaps the last person in the world who deserves long, bad days. But you're just so damned clever! and funny! when long, bad days happen to you. Of course you are clever and funny all the time, though. So I will just wish you lots of sleep, and quantities of non-slimy food.

Posted by: Gabbiana | October 26, 2006 11:49 PM

OMG. This is so funny. I am one of your latest fans.And have been waiting anxiously for you to update. And believe me it was worth the wait.

Posted by: Tami | October 27, 2006 12:13 AM

Next time you're here, please mess with Texas - we're still having fallout from the Wet 'n' Wild explosion of '89.

I am so glad I didn't read this at work. The Maybelline Mafia comment made me laugh so loud I scared my dog.

Posted by: sandra | October 27, 2006 12:23 AM

Hot women like you don't smell. EVAH! Seriously. You could quit your high-paying lawyerly job and just write children's books or satire for the rest of your live-long life.

Posted by: adambomb1973 | October 27, 2006 02:27 AM

How in the world did you get TO Texas with the lipstick/gloss situation, but they didn't let you OUT of Texas. This is why this whole no liquids thing is retarded.

Have a much better weekend. i bet Bo didn't think you smelled. ;)

Posted by: carmen | October 27, 2006 08:03 AM

Yes, we feel your pain! Our son and daughter-n-law came home from Korea on leave, mind you they went through 3 international air ports and customs stations and then they get to Houston. The lovely people in Houston made Shonda throw away a snow globe and mascara. Heaven forbid you bring a snow globe to Houston and mascara - what is she going to do, after being stuck in an airplane for almost 24 hours, have the uncontrollable urge to give an ugly flight attendant a make over? Our TAA people nee the make over! If you ever come to St. Louis, we'll make sure you’re well fed and get a shower!! :)

Posted by: Kelly | October 27, 2006 09:22 AM

Thank God you posted this, Doxie. I'm flying across the country in a couple of weeks, and the search is on for quality hair gel that is UNDER 3 OZ. and will fit snugly into my regulation size ziploc bag.

Freakin' TSA.

Posted by: culotte | October 27, 2006 09:40 AM

You poor thing. You get some rest, but you might want to install an alarm in your home to keep out said strangers from implanting wet N wild lipgloss in your travelbag....

Posted by: Boomer | October 27, 2006 10:44 AM

I had a similar experience with lip gloss at O'Hare on Tuesday, so I know exactly how you were feeling but at least you got the Vodka!! :)

Posted by: Tiffany | October 27, 2006 11:48 AM

I too have been pulled aside and led to the "Special" area where a nicely uniformed guard ran her hands down my pants zipper and then informed me that she was going to "Touch My Breasts" with "the back of my hands....just the back of my hands - did you want to go to a more private room?"
Uhh- no. Right out in the open with witnesses would be fine thanks.
They then proceeded to put me in a cube and puff air up my clothes...
That was the most action I had seen in a long time.

Posted by: AWhore | October 27, 2006 12:29 PM

My souvenir bottle of Harley Davidson hot sauce was confiscated by homeland security. I was worried about the bottle breaking in my severly man-handled luggage, so I had the brilliant idea to put it into my carry-on forgetting the explosive properties of hot sauce prior to ingestion. Somewhere Tom Ridge is enjoying a sandwich with my hot sauce that was detained in Orlando, while I was lead barefoot and braless for closer inspection.

Posted by: Heather | October 27, 2006 01:33 PM

{happy sigh from all the funny}

I feel kind of sad for the TSA guy. His job, it is so taxing; he is having to acquire **makeup** knowledge when he thought he would be screening for Big Scary Tough Guy Things like bombs and nunchukus. And he is so hated and maligned. Even more than us lawyers.

Business trips always sound kind of glamorous, but really they rather suck.

And if I had opened up my bag and not had my papers, I would have laid down on the clammy office floor and had a good cry.

Posted by: Lawyerish | October 27, 2006 02:58 PM

Miss Doxie -

You should have sent out an SOS to those of us in Dallas......I would have arrived with much wine and some amazing Cuban Coffee Creme Brulee from Cuba Libre. That makes everything better.

Give those of us in Dallas a heads-up next time you're here.......

...I mean, we can probably just follow in your wake and pick up those important papers you left with the TSA guy - and fax or FedEx them to you!

Posted by: Jerilyn | October 27, 2006 04:45 PM

Hilarious!

Sick. But hilarious. :-)

And beware of Heathrow. The U.S. will let you take little 4oz bottles of fluid-y-type stuff, now, but London's a little stricter. They won't let you take it on board, even if it's, say, you're favoritest, splurge-for-the-trip L'Occitane lotion. grrrr

Posted by: Cat | October 27, 2006 04:54 PM

How did you get so funny? Do you think it's something your mama fed you when you were little? Cuz I think I'd like to get my hands on that.
Thanks for another very amusing entry. Since I am sick, I laughed til I coughed. Which is pretty amazing.
I would bring you food in Dallas too, but I am in Canada. But I bet I could look up the number of a pizza place and have them deliver to you...how's that? :-D

Posted by: Heather | October 27, 2006 07:17 PM

Harrowing! I am also wondering what sort of hits you are going to get because of the phrase "drooling onto the bosoms". That shit seriously cracked my ass up.

Posted by: Gretchen | October 27, 2006 07:37 PM

You crack me up! Just started reading your blog. You're right up there with 'Dad Gone Mad'!

Sandra

Posted by: Sandra | October 27, 2006 10:54 PM

Oh, man, "He very carefully lifts the bag, as though my lip gloss may detonate at any minute ("Easy, breezy, beautiful, BOOM!")..."

Hilarious!

I'm sorry you had such a sucky trip. :( It seems illegal to work someone so hard with no sleep and especially no food! As a lawyer, you should sue! Or something. But it's just totally horrible and lame and makes me mad on your behalf.

Posted by: K | October 27, 2006 11:43 PM

I am howling!!!! I could not convince our TSA man that lipstick wasn't lipgloss either. AND he said it had to be in a ziplock bag. He was going to confiscate my Chanel Tornado! And my Chanel foundation!! And I had totally checked the TSA website and they were OK to bring on!!

Fortunately i'm a geek and I had a baggie of Mini Wheats to eat on the plane (you know-- fiber--sshhh) so I opted to toss the Mini Wheats and put my makeup in the bag.

I chose my beauty over my bowels. Look what the TSA has made me do.

I think this is too much information, but I feel your pain.

Posted by: Anne Glamore | October 28, 2006 04:21 PM

Oh lord, when I went to Savannah last month (I'm moving there! Kinda close to Doxie but not really! But closer than I am now!)I got the whole wand treatment, and it was very unsexy. I can't believe you didn't take the vodka. After the Great Wand Exploration of My Vajajay, I remained very toasted for the remainder of the trip. Flying SUCKS.

Posted by: missbanshee | October 28, 2006 05:49 PM

Ok.. someone told me they let up on the restrictions a bit which included lip gloss! Damn liars! But I accidentally forgot to pack it on the checked baggage coming back home from San Francisco and they didn't catch me!! I mean, I can't afford to lose $10 lip gloss and I felt so sneaky! Way to go! Even by accident. :)

Posted by: Angel | October 28, 2006 11:56 PM

I am certain the Wet N'Wild lipgloss was a present from the man in the vest, as a token of his appreciation for your Makeup 101 class. But seriously, did he not have some confiscated MAC or Chanel products he could have given you instead? Or even Prescriptives? I mean, he could have written you a prescription and everything.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | October 29, 2006 10:30 AM

"Easy, breezy, beautiful, BOOM!"

So funny. Sorry about the hellish 48 hours. Imbibe the free vodka.

Posted by: Leslie | October 29, 2006 12:00 PM

maybe you can get Bo to do a guest entry while you work on your "attached heretos and made a part hereofs".

Posted by: Frank | October 30, 2006 12:54 AM

Too funny- the same thing happened to me on a flight from Tampa to Vegas last week- only it was eyeshadow! Not a liquid last time i checked.
Thanks for the laughs!

Posted by: Karyn | October 30, 2006 08:55 PM

I think you're funny too!

Posted by: daniel | October 30, 2006 10:44 PM

Ok I've been thinking about this all day. What about Bonnie bell? Or Lip smackers do they too get the bells ringing??? What about Miss Suzie Chapstick does she get strip searched?
Ponder......

Posted by: Turtlesbirds | October 30, 2006 11:53 PM

Even funnier the fifth time, hot babydoll.

You're thin and beautiful and intelligent. That ress-i-pee, methinks, adds up to a MORE-FREQUENT BLOG-POST! Come on! Woman!

Stretccccch your bri-zain.

Posted by: adambomb1973 | October 31, 2006 05:33 AM

Travel stories are always entertaining!

Your favorite holiday is upon us. If you tell me you didn't have time to decorate your house this year, I seriously might cry for you.

Photos of the scary skeletons please!

Posted by: Madame Pocklock | October 31, 2006 12:49 PM

I had the *exact same* thing happen at DFW. I left Washington National airport, one mile from the White House mind you, with no problem. Trying to get back, my contraband was discovered. I didn't have a nice guy in a vest though, I had a burly woman who looked positively smug that she was going to be able to prevent even one woman from looking more feminine. I had to be escorted out, go to the counter and put my lip gloss in a box approximately the size of the boxes that hold a dozen long stemmed roses. For 4 lip glosses.

At least they have those disposable footie things so I don't have to tromp across the floor that 50,000 other bare feet have oozed on. *shudder*

Posted by: marybindc | November 1, 2006 03:11 PM

A less dedicated doctor than myself might have skipped out of clinic for a minute to come check for pictures of Dachsunds in Halloween costumes. But not me. Oh, no.

p.s. Where are the pictures of Dachsunds in costume?

Posted by: StampyDurst | November 1, 2006 03:55 PM

So Miss Doxie, I haven't commented in a long time because I just kept repeating the same thing over and over. "You're so funny" and "Even your 'boring' days are hilarous!" And that? Is just embarrassing.

But I will point out that I just LOVE that I finally found someone else who knows about the word, "heretofore". When I say it? People look at me like I'm alien.

Posted by: Serenity | November 2, 2006 06:02 PM

One of your fans said the long wait for another entry was worth it.
I say your real job is intefering with my entertainment calendar.

Posted by: sumthininnocuous | November 2, 2006 08:27 PM

Those kinds of "pink" items are just an advertising gimmick called social marketing. Instead of buying crap with pink on it, why don't you just make a donation to breast cancer research instead.

http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org

Don't let anyone PROFIT from other people's pain.

Posted by: Erin | November 3, 2006 06:26 PM

just found your site and have spent the last couple of days reading the archives. i think i am obsessed and happy with it too.

gotta tell you, miss doxie, that i have just splurted water alllllllll over my 'puta. it is your fault. and quite possibly Stan's too.

too, too, too many other times i have managed to hold in the chuckles, but this time ya got me with a mouthful of water

onya!!

also, fuck the symphony

Posted by: jennifer | November 3, 2006 07:40 PM

Was it bubble gum flavored? Because that would have made it all worthwhile.

Posted by: Trance | November 4, 2006 10:25 AM

I swear, I think you just wrote about my last trip to Las Vegas (where the guy I was with, tattooed up to his neck and wearing two inch hollow tunnels in his earlobes) breezed through security while they made me take of my FLIP FLOPS.

Whatever.

I think it's a conspiracy to break down the "normal" people and convince them that they're criminals.

Posted by: ApparentlyCrazy | November 5, 2006 04:22 AM

First of all, I am in a cruddy mood contemplating going to court on Wednesday to meet up with my daughter's (in my opinion) deadbeat dad, and just woke up feeling yuck about it, depressed, blue. The injustice of it all, you know.

Then I read your blog. I don't even like blogs. I took my blog down. It was the "How much is too much?" online question, you know? Who's reading this, and why? One day I had 674 hits on my blog. "I only have 21 first cousins," thought I, "and so who else is reading this?" So I took it down.

But now I read yours, and I have new hope for blog-dom. Thank you for making me laugh out loud on a day I really feel pretty rotten. I needed that.

Your funny is funnier than the day I walked 20 feet down the hallway of major publisher with the toilet paper not only stuck in the back of my pantyhose, but also trailing along behind me where it ended at the bathroom door. Or that time I agreed that I had really good taste, then my friend pointed out that the black pen I was chewing on? Had exploded in my mouth. Or that time I was carry a box of videos to the car and completely stepped out of my half slip without even noticing it. It was only after I lost my friend that I noticed that she was lying on the ground holding her sides and laughing, pointing to the perfect oval my half slip had made on the parking lot pavement.

So thank you, thank you for that. Now I know I am not alone.

Let's make a movie of your life. I think that's what has to happen next. You're twice as good as BRIDGET JONES and three times as funny. And probably four times better lookin'. And you don't even have to go to Texas to make the thing.

Cheers!

Posted by: MollyLou | November 5, 2006 12:28 PM

MollyLou, I couldn't agree more about Miss Doxie - I am hoping for a new post soon because I have devoured most of her archives and am waiting with bated breath for the next entry.

LOL about the toilet paper incident - it happened to me at least twice in my memory (I may be blocking on a third event...).

Posted by: Mauigirl52 | November 9, 2006 01:50 PM

That was absolutely one of the funniest posts I've ever read! Thanks, I needed a smile and a laugh today :-)

Posted by: Janet | November 10, 2006 04:15 PM

(So, six months ago, you posted this entry about best comments. Ironically enough, I couldn't comment on that entry. So here's what I wanted to post waaaaay back at the May entry but couldn't. Just to, like, give you some context.)

It's a small world!

(This is the part where the audience yells, "How small is it?")

It's so small that when I Googled UTI IUD this morning (that's a story for another, less public forum), I came upon your website. Right away I learned (1) that you're an attorney (2) in Atlanta and (3) blonde, to boot, and there are three things in common right there! Then I saw your picture on one of your entries, and after much brain-wracking, I figured out that you graduated from law school a year ahead of me!

Then I read this entry and, specifically, the best spontaneous singing story, and it reminded me of the time I was sitting on those couches on the bridge between the main law library and the annex, and I was telling my friend about my spring break plans. "Yes," I said, "we're going back to the same place again this year." And while I was expounding upon our reasoning for taking the exact same vacation two years in a row, I told her, "Besides, I got secrets can't leave Cancun."

At which point, someone walking by chimed in, "It's getting hot in here."

Rarely does Jupiter align with Mars like that, so when I saw that you'd had a similar experience, I knew I had to comment.

And that is the story of how UTI IUD brought me across the vast Internet to the highly entertaining blog of someone similar very close by who, now that I think about it, may have been one of the judges during our Legal Research and Writing oral arguments.

Yeppers, it's a small world after all! :)

Posted by: Emily | November 11, 2006 10:02 AM

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