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Look! Bad Limerick Wednesday!

October 11, 2006

Because, why the hell not? Besides all of the obvious reasons, I mean?

I will go ahead and go on record by saying that this will not happen again next Wednesday, because hopefully, I will be less of a freak by then. But, you know. Today, I am just going to revel in my freakitude, and also, impose it on all you nice people. Sorry about that.

I wrote the majority of this limerick this morning, while sitting in traffic, on the back of an envelope, with a half-stub of a pencil. Because I am classy like that. Also, these facts alone pretty much guarantee that the limerick in question is not good. It is, in fact, very not good. But hey -- at least I am not talking about sycamore trees anymore. Now, I've moved on to "There once was a man from Nantucket." Obviously, that is sure to end well. (It rhymes with bucket!)

Anyway. Hello! Have more poetry! And please don't hate me forever.

Why Wednesday's Child Is Full Of Woe
(In Many Painful Verses)
(Special shout-out to I-75; thanks for all this sitting!)

Last night, in what turned out to be
An ode to my stupidity,
I took dachshunds (four)
To the second floor
And decided they’d all sleep with me.

And I did so with no apprehensions
Concerning my bed’s small dimensions.
But I should know well
That the long road to hell
Is paved with my dumb ass intentions.

But of course, I’m an ignorant whore.
And so, at about 1:04,
I quickly awoke
To hear Tasha choke
As she threw up all over the floor.

So, I sprang up from bed right away
And gathered some towels and spray.
I cleaned up the mess
(With minor success)
And once again, I hit the hay.

But then around quarter to three,
I woke up to something sticky.
And though sleeping nearly,
I realized quite clearly:
“That fucking dog threw up on me.”

So sometime between three and four,
(While Boris continued to snore),
I was taking a shower
At an ungodly hour,
And not wanting dogs anymore.

I got back to bed before dawn,
As dew drops were coating the lawn.
But as I settled in,
I realized with chagrin
That now fucking Tasha was gone.

So, filled with a great sense of dread,
I once again got out of bed.
With a reluctant lurch,
I blearily searched,
Like a zombie come back from the dead.

But happily, it wasn’t long
‘Till I found where she’d been all along:
Behind cracked closet door,
She was splayed ‘cross the floor,
And gleefully eating a thong.

Now knowing that my evening fell
Somewhere in the third ring of hell,
I got down on all fours,
To salvage my drawers,
When I suddenly thought: what’s that smell?

For a stench, so horrid and vile;
Like a house blend of hot ass and bile;
Had assaulted my nose,
In the midst of my clothes.
And that’s when I saw the first pile.

According to medical views,
“Diarrhea” is seldom good news.
But problems compound
When its effects are found
Inside of your favorite shoes.

And you would be quite impressed at
The multiple places she’d shat.
It was way more than twice,
But because I am nice,
I’ll spare you the details of that.

But WHILE I was standing there, man,
Miss Tasha was crafting a plan.
And with one sudden twitch,
That little brown bitch
Grabbed my damn panties and ran.

Now, there certainly is a connection
Between diet and doggie digestion.
But I was in such a snit
That I must now admit:
I gave up on the panties in question.

So I crouched there, completely nonplussed,
Scrubbing the floor in disgust,
While one shitty broad
Orgasmically gnawed
My undies with unrestrained lust.

At long last, after one final sweep,
I could FINALLY go back to sleep.
But the second I rose
I heard something and froze:
My alarm clock was starting to beep.

I won’t make attempts at transcription
Of emotions beyond my description.
But suffice it to say,
I started my day
By having a fucking conniption.

So friends, if you are ever led
To believe I'll take four dogs to bed,
Please run to me quick,
And bring a big stick,
And smack some sense back in my head.

Happy Wednesday, everyone!

Tasha says, "I'll never see/a rose as beautiful as me! Or as likely to throw up on you."

Posted by doxie in The Dogs (Or, Poop) | permalink


I don't know why you think that was bad. I loved it. I usually don't like poetry. Write more!!!

And I'm serious.

Posted by: Beachgal | October 11, 2006 04:03 PM

Freakitude is my new favorite word. I very much enjoyed the limericks!

Posted by: msmack | October 11, 2006 04:06 PM

Funniest damn thing I have EVER read on this Internet. F U N N Y.

Posted by: vickie | October 11, 2006 04:08 PM

Too fucking funny....it's been played out before....with CATS.


We feel your pain.

Posted by: Roadchick | October 11, 2006 04:09 PM


Posted by: Cassiopeia | October 11, 2006 04:13 PM

"Like a house blend of hot ass and bile"

No matter how many times I request it, Starbucks just won't brew this one for me!

Haha the dog eating thongs thing must be universal. I have a boston terrier who's always hungry for undies.

Posted by: Amber | October 11, 2006 04:18 PM

So yes. I once "owned" a cat named Felix who once "dropped by" in the middle of the evening hour to barf on my chest. This was after I had spent umpty-two million dollars at the vet's to found out he had excess stomach acid and needed to take Prilosec or something. Regularly. Which I could not make him take. He was pure evil, but I loved him because he had a pink nose and kind of crooked-y eyes.

Posted by: Michael | October 11, 2006 04:22 PM

You just made me giggle so hard I snorted. Thank you I needed that today!

Posted by: Emily of RedWhineandBoo | October 11, 2006 04:41 PM

You are awesome. How is it that you can be so damn creative with lyrics and rhyme and drawrings and story telling, and then be this smokin hot attorney at the same time? Not fair.

Posted by: Carrisa | October 11, 2006 04:42 PM

The talent. Oh how it oozes. I could not do that shit with a drawer full of non-nubby pencils and no trafficy distractions...and a clipboard or something. If you weren't so damn lovbly i'd really not like you;)

Posted by: Bethany | October 11, 2006 04:57 PM

hahahahahahhahahahhaha! Best post ever.

The sad thing is that i was in your shoes (not the poop filled ones) a few weeks ago. One dog crapped the floor and the other peed the bed and i only found it when i rolled over into it.

Posted by: Amber | October 11, 2006 04:58 PM

Oh, thank you guys! Y'all are all so nice to me, and it is very kind of you. Especially seeing as...you know. I'm having kind of a day. Involving shit.

Posted by: missdoxie | October 11, 2006 05:05 PM

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I am pissing myself laughing. Girl, you are like the Weird Al of . . . . something. This is just like "Leigh Didn't Start the Fire" (which I am now going to have stuck in my head AGAIN, and anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about must immediately search Doxie archives for past work of genius).

I SO feel for you. Also, a veterinary assistant I know told me that dachshund shit (much like the shit of basenji, my breed) smells EXTRA TERRIBLE compared to other breeds.

Girl, I SO hope you are having a quadruple chocolate martini right now.

Posted by: Gretchen | October 11, 2006 05:25 PM

Oh no you did not mention chocolate martini after poop-filled-shoes post, Gretchen... go on to the key lime martinis anyway! Drink up, Leigh, Happy Hump Day!

Posted by: pennyhoney | October 11, 2006 05:34 PM

Oh my God, funniest thing I've read all day! *giggles helplessly!* Thank you, thank you!

Posted by: Eh... not so much | October 11, 2006 05:49 PM

Oh...........my..............God........poor Doxie! Take 2 Nyquil tonight and sell the dogs in the morning (kidding of course.....but not about the Nyquil. Its goooood)

Posted by: Leslie | October 11, 2006 06:04 PM

if that were me the entire post would have been the word fuck in all caps for like an hour. you're way classier than i.

Posted by: honestyrain | October 11, 2006 06:16 PM

I have to agree w/ Gretchen that Miss Doxie's '..start the fire' is awesomely bitchin' and is still her greatest feat as of yet, tho this was very funny and so close a 2nd. My cat throws up all the damn time, but I'm such a light sleeper that she starts the noisy gagging process and I instantly sit straight up and she kindly does it on the carpet or in the kitchen - much easier than cleaning up poo in shoes. So very sorry for your shoes (and undies!)! Oh and you!! Get some sleep after work, yeah?

Posted by: Angel | October 11, 2006 06:16 PM

That was priceless. Those dogs have broken you in so thoroughly that by the time you have actual human children, NOTHING will faze you.

Sweet dreams tonight!

Posted by: Catherino | October 11, 2006 06:20 PM

Um, perhaps we should start a Dog-Does-Fashion-Damage Relief Fund for you.

'Cause I'm guessin' this ain't the first or last time this is gonna happen.

*hands glass of wine over*

Posted by: Pammer | October 11, 2006 06:27 PM

You are soo funny! I needed that today! Thank you! I agree more poems are needed.

I hope that you day got better and you were able to have some cocktails when you got home.
My doxie usually wants to puke right on my neck so you got lucky there. He also has a fancy for my panties.

Posted by: Jolene | October 11, 2006 07:00 PM

Haha!! Too much! As someone who often slept with 3 beagles, I feel ya...Oooooh, I feel ya.

And I'm still bitter about all my thongs lost to beagle teeth. GRRRR.

Posted by: Chase | October 11, 2006 07:05 PM

Doxie, I'm laughing so hard that I'm cryin', and no I am not lyin'. You are fabulous.

Posted by: Cara | October 11, 2006 07:29 PM

goats got nothing on doxies,thusly their body functions reflect that.....poor Miss Doxie, get some sleep

and watch out where the doxies go and don't you eat..well you get the picture

Posted by: copzgirl | October 11, 2006 07:29 PM

Ha, too clever!
I too have been in the panty wrestling contest with my dog, they always win...

Posted by: KaraMia | October 11, 2006 07:40 PM

somebody tell me the title of the "start the fire" post! i am now in complete suspense and must read it, yet can't seem to justify to myself the amount of time it would take for me to actually look for it.

Posted by: some girl | October 11, 2006 07:59 PM

Wait, CHECK IT. I actually have the link right here:


And, that is pretty much the extent of what I know about my website. I rule, you guys.

Posted by: miss doxie | October 11, 2006 08:05 PM

Oh, honey. Did I need that while grading papers? You betcha.

Posted by: shaxgirl | October 11, 2006 08:38 PM

So damn funny. And on Robyn's birthday too!

Posted by: Jen Z. | October 11, 2006 08:51 PM

Water. Out. My. NOSE.

Posted by: liz | October 11, 2006 09:22 PM

My dog shit in my shoe once when I was 15. It rolled to the toe so of course I didn't know it until I stuck my foot in. I swear I was ready to clean my foot with Easy-Off oven cleaner but my mother wouldn't let me.
Thanks for the laughs.

Posted by: mackmomma | October 11, 2006 10:17 PM


OMG you poor thing. Man. I don't even know what to say. Well, actually I do, at least it's not Monday!

Posted by: Jessica | October 11, 2006 10:29 PM

DUDE. Robyn RULES. I should have mentioned that, but do you know I have to fly to Dallas at 6 a.m. tomorrow morning? I do, and it's totally destroyed my brain.

That, and alcohol.

Happy birthday, sweet adorable darling Robyn! I love you better than dirt!

Posted by: miss doxie | October 11, 2006 10:30 PM

There once was a lawyer, Miss Doxie
Whose dachshunds were quite full of moxie
She composed in verses
A night full of curses
Said the internet, "Doxie you rock-sie!"

Okay...so you make writing limericks look easier than it actually is - with your mad rhyming skillz and all :)

Posted by: Ivie | October 11, 2006 10:36 PM

You are so rhymey! Thanks for the big laughs.

Posted by: Angela | October 11, 2006 11:44 PM

Holy hell, I choked on the handful of chocolate chips I was eating. Yeah, I am eating semi sweets straight from the bag...I had a day.

But nothing like yours! Get yourself a bag, girl. And some vodka. And a diaper for Tasha.

Posted by: a horrible warning | October 11, 2006 11:59 PM


I swear I could have written this. Underneath my bed is a mine field of panties. Plus my other doxie tried to throw up on my once, he jumped up on my back (I was laying on my tummy) and started heaving. Let me tell you how fun it is to go running out to the balcony carrying a 15lb dog while you are sick.

THEN there was the beef stroganoff incident. Said puke dog ate some beef stroganoff. The next day he did 7 BIG piles of diareah. AFTER I had just taken them for their walk. HE STILL HAD HIS DAMN LEASH ON (which he drug through some of the piles before I could intercept)!!! I can still smell it!

Let's just say a week later we bought a new steam cleaner. The old one was tainted beyond use.

Posted by: courtney | October 12, 2006 12:09 AM

"But I should know well
That the long road to hell
Is paved with my dumb ass intentions."

I need to go have a t-shirt printed now.

Posted by: JunieB | October 12, 2006 12:43 AM

Freaking HI LAR EE US! Too damn funny! And all of that (most of it) was written whist stuck in *traffic*?! Well fucking done! I laughed at every verse. I'm motivated:

There once was this babe in Hot-lanta
Whose posts were like cool gifts from Santa
Whatever she'd write
Be it deep, be it trite
I'd laugh so damn hard I'd-a pant-a

Still motivated (haiku):

four daschunds do sleep
in the bed of their master
one vomits, eats thong

One more and I'll quit (Boston accent):

There once was a doggy named Tasha
Who caused her ownah to wash ha
She vomited twice
Oh, Lawd, ain't that nice?
And then ate her panties to josh ha

Posted by: adambomb1973 | October 12, 2006 01:58 AM

I adore verse two. You, Miss Doxie, are bloody brilliant.

Posted by: Heather | October 12, 2006 02:36 AM


Made my morning.

Posted by: Clareh | October 12, 2006 02:40 AM

Perfectly hysterical!

Also, a very good reminder as to why our dog gets locked into the kitchen every night.

Posted by: Mrs X | October 12, 2006 02:43 AM

Excellent poem!
I can relate...what is it with dachshunds and thongs?
My perverted dog just waits for my wife to get in the shower, and off he goes with them!

Posted by: Lazy-i'd | October 12, 2006 05:42 AM

That was too funny. Nothing brings you out of a sound sleep like the hurk-hurk-hurk of a dog getting sick.

Posted by: Erin | October 12, 2006 09:09 AM

Hilarious. Just... hilarious.

Posted by: Melissa | October 12, 2006 09:09 AM

Just great!

Posted by: Sandra | October 12, 2006 09:26 AM

Still no Gimmme? We miss him!

Posted by: Mrs.MGA | October 12, 2006 09:43 AM

Dogs and Thongs! A new reality show. What is it about undies that dogs find so appealing? If anything you think cats would go there first. Okay, I just grossed myself out a little bit. Gulp.
You are officially the new poet laureate of the blogosphere!

Posted by: AWhore | October 12, 2006 09:45 AM

If I were you, tonight I would give Ms. Tasha your thursday thong, and leave her downstairs. Just saying...........

Posted by: Bella, professional dachshund | October 12, 2006 09:45 AM

Just what I nedded today. Makes my monsters playing the in/out game a little easier to bear.

Posted by: Josie | October 12, 2006 10:17 AM

Oh Doxie... that is horrible. So, so horrible. I now feel slightly better about the fact that I woke up at 4am because my boyfriend set off the smoke alarm by burning a waffle in the toaster.

My cat likes to eat things that are not intended to be eaten, and then thrown them up on the (white) rug. I have been training him to throw up on the tile floor instead, since I think training him NOT TO THROW UP is a lost cause. I'll let you know if I have any success. Maybe I can become the Cesar Milan of pet barf.

Posted by: jennifer | October 12, 2006 10:49 AM

I think that the picture makes it even better. Love the pictures.

Posted by: Laura | October 12, 2006 10:56 AM

Oh my God. I rarely get through your posts without laughing out loud in my way-too-quiet corner at work. This one? This one kicked my ass. Too funny. I'll be reading it more than once just for the giggle.

Posted by: Kim | October 12, 2006 11:28 AM


Posted by: LadyBug | October 12, 2006 11:48 AM


I feel your pain. Literally feel it. AND smell it, also.

The Dachshund of Doom at my casa, Topher, has displayed such skills on many occasions. Unfortunately, I was a sucker, and took him to the vet that night.

So, to add insult to injury, I paid $400 for the vet to say 'intestinal bug' after the joy of watching him evacuate liquids from both ends of his body for hours.

He'd better be glad I love him.

Posted by: Jerilyn | October 12, 2006 12:11 PM

i am crying from the funny, people.

Posted by: sweetney | October 12, 2006 01:10 PM

Delurking to say that was brilliant.

Posted by: Danielle | October 12, 2006 01:27 PM

Thank you Miss Doxie! Sorry, this is like 400 comments later, I just checked back.

Wow, I could totally procrastinate for 10 hours reading all these linked posts!

Posted by: some girl | October 12, 2006 02:31 PM


I have so totally been there, except with cats.

Posted by: Trance | October 12, 2006 02:49 PM

My first post after lurking for quite some time. I can completely relate to this since I was awakened at 3:00 a.m. a few nights ago by the hack-hack-hack of Albert the Wonderpug. I managed to get him out of bed just before he hurled (yay). I decided I might as well go to the bathroom since I was awake and when I returned to clean up pug hurl...

...it was gone.

Little weinerdog, Punkin, slept through it all.

Posted by: janeygirl | October 12, 2006 02:51 PM

Oh, I feel for ya. Picture that limerick describing German Shepherds instead of dachshunds and I've had many a night just like that. In fact I still haven't gotten all the poo smell out of my carpet from Sunday night.

Posted by: Carole | October 12, 2006 02:57 PM

Officially de-lurking to say that was effing hilarious!! Thank you so much for that!

And I totally feel your pain with the underwear munching dog. That always puts me in a good mood for the day!

Posted by: Heather | October 12, 2006 03:17 PM

Dude, you make Maya Angelou look like a piker. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me throw up in my mouth a little. Sigh.

Posted by: Contrary | October 12, 2006 04:06 PM

you should totally make that in to a children's book!
but ewwwww, the illustrations....

Posted by: Oh Yeah | October 12, 2006 05:43 PM

That may be the most hilarious poem I have ever seen. Oh, and my dog likes to eat panties too.

Posted by: Mary | October 12, 2006 05:45 PM

Brilliant. Just... Wow! That was awesome!

Posted by: Meg | October 12, 2006 10:47 PM

Yep, it took one vomit-on-my-pillow night to banish my wiener dog to the kitchen forever. I still fight the poo battle, though, as he likes to leave a deposit just inside the door where I enter the house, my own personal little mine field.

Gotta love 'em. At least I won't have to pay for college for him.

Posted by: Charlene | October 13, 2006 01:03 AM

i think i'm in love! what a limmerick

Posted by: daniel | October 13, 2006 01:08 AM

That's the best limmerick (and the longest) ever! Animals sometimes make it hard to not beat the crap out of them. ;) But you'd want no more crap coming out. ha ha.

I drove through Limmerick, Ireland a few years ago, where I recited a limmerick. you should take this one with you should you ever go.

Posted by: carmen | October 13, 2006 07:50 AM

AWESOME! This is why I have 1) a high bed generally unreachable by my dogs and 2) a newly tiled floor in the laundry room. Perfect for canine vomitous episodes! Granted, before they get to the laundry room, they always manage to throw up on various carpted areas.

Perhaps some additional haikus are in order!

Posted by: Luck O' the Irish | October 13, 2006 08:28 AM

Damn Miss Doxie, you're a limmerick mastah!!
That was hilarious.

And thanks for reminding me why I don't want dogs (or babies). They seem to do alot of that throwing up/crapping all over the place thing...

Posted by: Katie | October 13, 2006 09:33 AM

So glad you've decided to use your considerable powers for good & not evil. Thanks for the giggle!

Posted by: Shawnee | October 13, 2006 10:42 AM

HAHAHAHAHA! My favorite part is this line: [But WHILE I was standing there, man,]. It made me laugh outloud. Because you needed "man" for the other stuff to rhyme with! Oh, man. Thanks for this! It made my morning.

Posted by: BaddMinton | October 13, 2006 12:45 PM

Peeing. I AM PEEING. That was SO fucking funny.

Posted by: Lori | October 13, 2006 08:53 PM

O.K. I now officially hate you. I've spent the last few days trying to come up with a word that rhymes with diarrhea. Not having much luck, but I'll be back with a rhyme that will WOW you.

Posted by: StampyDurst | October 14, 2006 12:49 AM

Effing Brilliant!! wheeeeee!

Posted by: shy me | October 14, 2006 02:51 AM

You know, folks, when you have that situation where the dog is shooting hot fire out of both ends, just put them in the tub, and hose them down occasionally- Works for toddlers , too!!!
Yes, I'm going to hell...

Posted by: mramunds | October 14, 2006 03:49 AM

brava! brava! brava!

Posted by: Bev | October 14, 2006 07:24 PM

What a terrible story;
the details were so awfully gory!
Hope your poor dog is well
and the lesson from hell
now has you sleeping in unfettered glory.

Posted by: Heather | October 15, 2006 10:53 AM

Oh, dear, I feel your pain. I am still trying to remove the stench from my bedroom from our [my husband's] cat who made a big poop next to our bed at about 4 this morning. I honestly thought cats were above such things!

Posted by: erica | October 16, 2006 12:26 AM

Ummm... I realize I'm about to get flamed here, but I'll ask anyhow. Why do you still own these pets? A human being who did these things to you would be subject to criminal prosecution. Your dogs do it all the time though, and you Feed Them!? I'm at a loss. Could it be you're in one of those deeply enmeshed love/hate/guilt abusive relationships, and will only recognize the truth when Oprah shows up on your doorstep? Call somebody. Get some help.

Still, hilarious post. Thanks for that!

Posted by: Tallguy | October 16, 2006 12:46 PM

That was really, really funny. Best limerick I've heard in years.

Posted by: David Schnozzburg | October 17, 2006 01:27 PM

Dear Doxie: with dachshaunds galore
you'll have issues with shit on the floor,
with diarrhea in shoes
and with chewed-up thong blues
but take heart: we're all shouting, "Encore!"

Posted by: Bihari | October 18, 2006 02:42 PM

Dear Doxie: with dachsaunds galore,
you'll have issues with shit on the floor,
diarrhea in shoes,
and underwear blues,
but take heart: we're shouting, "Encore!"

Posted by: Bihari | October 18, 2006 02:44 PM

Oh HUNNY. Get a crate. Get a very large child's play pen. Something like this: http://www.optionspluskennels.com/bronzeseries.htm
Fill it with toys and beds and blankets. Downstairs. Away from where you sleep.
And QUIT taking them to bed. Because, um, ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

Posted by: Meagan | October 18, 2006 05:26 PM

Best. entry. EVER.

Posted by: Amy | October 18, 2006 07:48 PM

A few classic lines: The "paved with my dumbass intentions" one, the one where you use "man" as a jumping off point (as someone noted earler), and this unmitigated gem:

"While one shitty broad
Orgasmically gnawed
My undies with unrestrained lust."

I can just picture the daschund, eyes at half-mast, a pair of sexy blue panties between her little teeth, her little joke of a body shuddering intermittently as waves of pleasure warmly bloom.

Another great line(s): "I blearily searched, / Like a zombie come bacj from the dead." Classic.

Dammit. I wish you had time to post more often! But I reckon legal matters take precedence o'er daschund poetry, unfortunately.

Posted by: adambomb1973 | October 19, 2006 05:28 AM

You are seriously talented! I know it was just a "bad limerick" but really - those rhymes were great! So, so funny. The picture at the end is hilarious, too. The pup in the background looks like he's having a good laugh about the whole thing!

"Tasha, you so funny!"

Posted by: Liberal Banana | October 19, 2006 12:13 PM

I would cash in my 401K and give it to anyone who cuold tell me why the hell doxies only poo and throw up in the middle of the night... darn doxies. But at leat is makes for a hilarious post on MissDoxie.com!

Posted by: Emily | October 20, 2006 12:23 PM

Your brilliance astounds me. I am astounded. And, plus, I'm laughing my ass off.

Posted by: ubergirlelijah | October 21, 2006 03:20 PM

Need...Doxie...update...will...die soon...

Posted by: missbanshee | October 24, 2006 05:03 PM

I have three dogs, two dachshunds (sisters) and a beagle, the dachshunds sleep alone at night because I'm afriad Trinity will attempt to sufficate me at night. But I have woken up at night with all three dogs throwing up, and a few times to my beagle (she sleeps w/ me) throwing up on my hand, on my pillow ect..I know the feeling! LOL But I believe Tasha would give my girls a run for their money with the whole pooping in the closet idea!

Posted by: Hannah | October 29, 2006 11:00 PM

Funny, hilariously funny. I'm SO GLAD I have a cat.

Posted by: Monica | November 1, 2006 03:51 PM

I just snorted wine through my nose.

Posted by: RLGelber | November 1, 2006 09:17 PM

Absolutely hysterical! New reader - and will be back.

Posted by: Northern_Southerner | November 9, 2006 11:05 AM

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