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The Grind Sucks

September 10, 2006

Well, vacation is officially over, and I am officially home, having officially driven infinity miles in a car with El Dukay. Having just driven infinity miles in the car with Dukay, maybe I could take this opportunity to remind everyone that Dukay and I have a fundamental difference of opinion when it comes to Music, What Constitutes, as opposed to Horrible Nonsensical Sound, Definition Of. I could do this now. I could remind you of that fact. I could also remind you that spoons are sometimes involved in Dukay's version.

But, no. No! I won't stoop to such...lows. Or something. Mainly, because I complained about that already last year, and I should probably try to be at least remotely creative. As such, maybe it would be a good time to tell you about my vacation, if you are interested in that sort of thing (i.e., "Me me me me me!"), but I really, I don't have much to report on that front. The beach was awesome, and this was pretty much what I looked at every single day for the past two weeks:

Leigh's Knees. It's rhyme-y!

Only now, that is all over, and my view will be significantly different when I get to work tomorrow and behold the massive pile of undone things sitting on my desk, vying desperately for attention against the persistent, blinking light of the voicemail inbox, which is all, "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey? Hey? Hey! Hey!" until you finally listen to the damn messages, and I am just totally not excited about any of it. Boo, work. Yay, knees on a beach.

The vacation was awesome, though, and obviously, I am very glad to have been able to take the time off, and I am very glad that I got to hang out with my family, and that I got to vacate with El Dukay, who managed to show up even though he kind of missed the highway the first time and practically ended up in a whole nother state by the time he was tracked down, but I am not supposed to mention that here, because the whole experience left him a little bit testy, people. So testy, in fact, that it was necessary to employ super-intensive calming-down measures, which meant that my mother and I had to visit not one, but two different liquor stores, to procure all of the ingredients necessary for super-intensive calming. Fortunately, we were successful, because my mother and I can sniff out liquor from a mile away, which makes us remarkably useful in very, very limited situations. Here, however, our skills were in full effect, and I am sure you were all proud.

I am sure you will also be proud to learn that, you guys, I am actually...slightly tan! Not really tan, and I am certainly not approaching the Orange Fanta wonder that is the jet-setting Hollywood crowd, but at least I no longer look like I've been chained to Bob Cratchit's basement desk for sixteen years. I am just not a very tanny person. My skin kind of stays the same general color, no matter what you do to it, so I am relatively pleased to be able to look at my legs and not see a pair of white tights, circa 198-"I-was-six" glowing back up at me. Now I have kind of graduated to "off-white." Or, "ivory tights that need washing." I am considering my vaguely dirty skin color to be a definite improvement.

But, here is another thing, as long as I have completely stepped outside of any semblance of "order:" As much as it sucks to come back and have to go back to work like a productive taxpaying voting adult, I am also very excited about seeing the many dogs, who we will pick up tomorrow. They have been staying at the vet boarding place for two weeks, which means that they (and here I mean "Bo") will be furious with us, and that I will soon be cleaning stealthily-laid poop off of everything I hold dear (and here again, I am referring to Bo) and that won't be very fun, and this reminds me to go buy some Lysol, actually, but we've really missed them. And, consequently, we, as a family, had ourselves a Summit on the State of Vacation during this trip, and have decided that from now on, we're only going places where dogs are actually allowed, because leaving them behind really blows. Not only in the sense that we miss them, which we do; nobody ELSE on this vacation has gleefully secreted himself away with my handbag, only to be discovered twenty minutes later, amid the ripped paper wrappers from the ten thousand tampons now littered crazily about the room, rolling on his back over his small white kill in unparalleled, cotton-induced ecstacy (see: Bo, two weeks ago). No! Not just because we miss those extra trips to the 24-hour CVS, but also because, know what? According to actual math, done on paper with the aid of the calculator function on my cell phone, it has actually cost more to lodge the DOGS for two weeks than it cost us to rent a whole entire condo for the same amount of time. The dog's room and board cost more than our own.

Is that...I mean, y'all, that's insane, right? Our condo had indoor plumbing and a microwave oven! I am relatively sure that the dogs, at the boarders, have enjoyed neither of these luxuries. I am equally sure that they would not really benefit from indoor plumbing, except to the extent that sometimes when it is raining Bo will sneak off to a bathroom and pee on the side of the toilet, because he is a crazy, ridiculous animal. And I will also add that this is something which I have only recently discovered, and which made me feel much, much better about life in general, because up to that point, I'd been convinced that there was a serious problem with Dukay, and I had been secretly entertaining some probing questions about his psychology/anatomy/aim. So, in that one, limited instance, the indoor peeing was actually quite a delightful discovery.

Not that this...has anything to do with my vacation. Nobody peed on the side of the toilet during the vacation. And that was...sad, I guess, and that is why we should bring the dogs next time! See there? It all comes together. The end!

So, if you could not tell from the above paragraphs, I am tired, and it is 12 a.m., and I have definitely spent too much time in the car today, so I will do us all a favor and wrap this up with the three best things about the vacation (aside from the eating and the drinking and the hanging with loved ones and lounging and the beach and the general sense of not-going-to-work that abounded during that time. Besides those things.) Those three things are:

1. Voicemail message from my sister's boss, received as she got off of her flight to the beach; contents of such were, "Hey, Ziz...um, bad news. See, we, uh...we just got some reports that there are snakes? On your plane. So, you know, that...sucks, but have a totally good vacation, though."

I will be leaving this message for all people in the future. Even people I do not know.

2. License plate, depicting fisherman in the morning mist (please take a moment now to imagine the beauty), secretly purchased by Dukay, my mother, and myself, and then custom airbrushed with the name "HOSS", which was then quietly affixed to the front of my father's new car, and which he failed to notice for QUITE SOME TIME until we were all just crushed under the weight of our own collective brilliance and could not stop giggling about the plate of great embarassment we had saddled upon him, and so we began engaging in all of these ridiculous antics in an attempt to direct his attention to the front of the car ("Dad! DAD! Is that an ant, or is that lint? Will you check?") so he'd finally see it already, only that didn't work. So ultimately, Mom hopped up on the damn hood, only Dad was all, "AHHH NEW CAR PAINT WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE SERIOUSLY WITH YOUR ANTS AND LINT AND HOPPING?", and so Dukay and I had to physically jump on the poor man, pin him to the ground, and say, "LOOK! YOUR CAR SAYS HOSS IN AIRBRUSH!" and he totally does not get it at all, but the rest of us think we are some kind of comic geniuses.

Hee. Listen, I will continue to find this funny until I die. Hoss!

3. The fact that I did NOT see any sharks whatsoever, but this is tempered by the fact that I did torture myself by watching Jaws on television, which always leads me to believe that there are Jaws sharks everywhere in the water, including in the swimming pool and in particularly deep showers, and I cannot be dissuaded from this belief. Everyone else thinks I am crazypants, but as proof of my complete, undeniable right-ness, I will leave you with this totally unmanipulated picture, shot of me and Ziz, some time last week.

Ziz thinks we're going to need a bigger boat.

See? Jaws sharks! Everywhere! Danger! Watch out for puddles.

So! In conclusion: I am back, and I will hopefully be slightly more coherent in the coming days. Which would be nice, because otherwise, the stacks of work, the blinking voicemails, and the stealth-pooping dogs (Bo) are going to drive me right back to crazy. And I'll probably be listening to spoons all the way.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


I feel your pain... we were out of town for 6 weeks this summer and you cannot imagine how much it costs to board 2 labradors, in a double "suite" with a TV and 3 walks a day... even my husband doesn't know because I told him that he would cry and was better off thinking it was like, $300.

Sounds like a good vacation and how clever you and your sister are to avoid all the menacing sea-life surrounding you and your cute bikinis!

BTW: I have the same suit as your sister, but I am like OLDER and now I think I have to get rid of it because it is apparently a bathing suit for a young girl person.

Posted by: Kristin | September 11, 2006 03:01 AM

Sharks - there were sharks in that picture? I - I really didn't notice any...

And now we all know what you meant by t#@ts on sticks...yousa!

Posted by: mramunds | September 11, 2006 06:28 AM

I have to say about the shark thing: they ARE everywhere. :)

I was pressured into seeing that movie by my friends in the theater when I was ten. Great way to terrorize children and create life long phobias.

Posted by: Helen | September 11, 2006 06:59 AM

Is that also Andre the Giant in the water wtih you??

Posted by: Lani | September 11, 2006 07:13 AM

Coming back from vacation always sucks - but, we're glad to have you back. Even if you do look phenomenal in a bikini.

Posted by: RSM | September 11, 2006 07:21 AM

Stop posting photos of you and your family members looking smoking hot. It is not very fair to be both hot and wickedly funny/smart.

Posted by: Chryseis | September 11, 2006 07:32 AM

You are both so gorgeous. It seems a real shame that the sharks are about to eat you both.

Your holiday sounds fantastic. I hope Bo's revenge for making him board without even a microwave is not too severe.

Posted by: LĂ©onie | September 11, 2006 07:39 AM

Hee! I'm going to be late to work because of this post! I don't care! The picture itself was worth it.

Also, we take our pack of mangy hounds with us everywhere we go and it's surprisingly easy and we don't have to miss them when we're gone.

Posted by: Contrary | September 11, 2006 07:54 AM

I saw "Jaws" when it first came out (I was about 10), about 2 months before my family went to Wrightsville Beach for a vacation. I had been in the water for all of 10 minutes when I was stung by a Portugese Man O'War (which my father then refused to believe, so once he was convinced that I really needed to go to the emergency room he insisted on doing so via the "scenic route").

And I'm totally with you on the kennel bill pain ... and we only have one dog.

Posted by: Ruth | September 11, 2006 08:29 AM

Pool Sharks exist and terrorize me.

Posted by: Mrs.MGA | September 11, 2006 08:58 AM

I totally understand the Jaws panic. Saw it when it came out on Nantucket when I was 16 w/ about 10 friends. Then we all went to the beach IN THE DARK, thinking how fun in would be to go swimming!!!! What were we thinking!??!? I don't think I swam again all summer!
With 2 four legged doxxie daughters we have had to resort to hiring 'live in' babysitters anytime we go out of town. The girls refuse to get out of the car at the kennel and won't speak to us for weeks after!!! We were gone 1 night this past weekend and you would think we had left them for months! Bitchie little things that they are!
Sounds like you had a lovely vaca, sharks and all!
Hope wk doesn't suck too much.

On a sad note, I am remembering all the devestation from 5 yrs ago today and all the friends and clients that were lost that day. I hope and pray it is never repeated.


Posted by: Judy | September 11, 2006 08:59 AM

Best. Voicemail. EVAH!

Posted by: Velma | September 11, 2006 10:45 AM

We totally did the Hoss thing to my dad's car a few years ago, except we got an airbrushed plate of a sunset with palm trees and wrote 'Gangsta' on it. It was complemented by purple neon lights under the car, fuzzy dice from the mirror, a pink neon license plate frame on the back, and one of those big ugly crown air fresheners in the back window. Classic.

Posted by: msmack | September 11, 2006 11:34 AM

Apparently, and this is from a good source, you can go to the "Snakes on a Plane" website and send people Samuel L. Jackson telling you to go see his movie. His voice. Shouting about Snakes on a Plane! How cool is that?

Posted by: Hillary | September 11, 2006 11:39 AM

Just got back as well from 2 weeks but we did not have the great weather that you had Miss Doxie. We take our beloved Maggie with us so that we do not miss her when we are gone. It is surprisingly easy. Love the vacation posts and now I must go and begin my fast as I do not look anything like you or your sister in my bathing suit.

Posted by: Diane | September 11, 2006 12:42 PM

Have to say the Hoss license plate made me pee myself a little bit, and while I made it to the bathroom before too much damage was done, I accidentally hit the side of the toilet.

Bo's in good company.

Posted by: 123Valerie | September 11, 2006 01:46 PM

Dreamy sigh! I was reading old entries last night for a Doxie fix.

What are the yellow things in the photo? Off to the left, below the boat?

Posted by: tippy | September 11, 2006 02:53 PM

Sharks don't bite lawyers. Professional courtesy.

(I only mean that in the nicest possible way, as I am taking the LSAT this month.)

Posted by: Janet | September 11, 2006 03:18 PM

We just got back from Orange Beach yesterday. Absolutely great. And my kid loved the fountain thing you took a pic of in your previous post. Guess you have to have kids to get it. And know it is a great thing for parents.

Glad you had a blast! 2 weeks...you lucky shit!

Posted by: Manic Mommy | September 11, 2006 04:33 PM

*Awesome* shark picture. I love it. I never saw Jaws (!) so I was never afraid of the water.

But I did see Ricky Ticky Tavy at an impressionable age, and I spent a long time fearing cobras were under every piece of furniture in my house.


In Delaware.

Posted by: Cat | September 11, 2006 05:24 PM

Glad you're back! That snakes on a plane voicemail trick? Yeah. I'm gonna use that one alot. I do scheduling for nurses at a hospital - bwahahahahahaha!!!! Serves them right for leaving me to cover their shifts. *hmph*

Posted by: ishouldbeworking | September 11, 2006 05:31 PM

That picture of you and Ziz (without the sharks) is an Eddie Bauer ad, you skinny bitches.

I say that with love.

Also jealousy.

Posted by: Trance | September 11, 2006 05:39 PM

I said Eddie Bauer. I meant to say J. Crew.


Posted by: Trance | September 11, 2006 05:43 PM

Ha, every time I watch jaws, I'm sure there are sharks..took forever as a kid to get me to swim in the lake...its a man made one to make it worse...plus, Roy Scheider is kinda hot in that movie dontcha think? or..maybe it's just me...

Posted by: KaraMia | September 11, 2006 06:51 PM

Next vacation, you MUST find a pet-friendly condo. There are such things, and it's so much more fun to a) enjoy your vacation with all of your (evil [Bo]} loved ones and b) avoid financial sodomy.

My Jaws film is the original Psycho. Didn't take a shower for years. Yes, I bathed, just didn't want to be behind a shower curtain because as soon as I was, I knew a crazy old lady would slaughter me.

Lani: That's Lurch (Richard something), who was a villain named Jaws in an 007 film.

Tippy: The yellow things are floaty things harpooned into the shark to keep him from diving and to make him really tired, the easier to kill him.

Posted by: Kelly | September 11, 2006 11:25 PM

I am SO totally with you on the sharks. I just know they are in the swimming pool.... and I think they especially come out at night. Evidently they hide in the little drain thingy during the daylight hours. But nighttime... they are THERE! :)

Posted by: Kimnlogan | September 11, 2006 11:55 PM

Hoss! I love it. My daughter already commented on the time we did it to my husband, but she left out the best parts. It was a black Mercedes with dark tinted windows so the Gansta' tag was very appropriate. The purple neon lights were under the edges of the doors and he couldn't see them even in the side mirrors. They were on the car for 3 days before he figured it out. He finally saw them when he went to Coca Cola headquarters to pick up a VP and take him to a Hawk's basketball game. A business "meeting-smoozing" thingy! Hee. He pulled up to the entrance of Coke, the VP comes out looks at the car and says "There is no way I am going into downtown Atlanta at night with YOU in that car!!" Oh My God! We laughed for a week. He said he was wondering why all the people who worked for him kept staying late and then coming outside to watch him drive away.

Posted by: mackmomma | September 12, 2006 12:35 AM

So glad you had a great vacation, welcome home!

Posted by: brighton | September 12, 2006 07:45 AM

It is brutally unfair that both you and Ziz are so stunning. Are you sure your parents don't have an ugly sister stashed in the basement? No gene pool should be THAT fruitful...

Posted by: a horrible warning | September 12, 2006 09:14 AM

Jaws scarred me for life. I now fear sharks in all bodies of water. Even pools. Cuz, you know, someone could drop one into a pool or something. ;)

Glad you're back, and may you not have any Bo poop to remove.

Posted by: carmen | September 12, 2006 09:44 AM

You should look into a housesitter the next time you go out of town - they're way cheaper than kenneling, and the dogs get to stay somewhere that's familiar!

Posted by: Jessi | September 12, 2006 10:33 AM

Comic geniuses you are.. definitely. I thought it was funny. My friend calls his dad Hoss.. must be a dad thing.. or a Bonanza thing. Hoss was my favorite after all.. Can't wait for more mean Bo stories!

Posted by: Angel | September 12, 2006 04:54 PM

How could you stand it? The sharks I could handle, but Richard Kiel in the same ocean? Oh, the humanity! I heard that most of his attacks occur in three feet of water or less.

Posted by: Kanigget | September 12, 2006 07:04 PM


definitely affixing "gangsta" or "hoss" to my father's company car. best. idea. ever.


Posted by: Kirsten | September 12, 2006 08:39 PM

My parents kept Jake, my dachshund, while I was on vacation for the past three weeks and it was the first three weeks in his life in which he didn't piss or shit inside, and actually had a great time with my folks. Meantime, I bring him home and what does he do? Crap on the dining room floor in the first 15 minutes. Fartknocker....

Posted by: DinerGirl | September 13, 2006 12:32 AM

oh my god, the sharks? in the shower? and pools?

me, too!

Posted by: jennifer | September 13, 2006 04:34 PM

Glad you back and hopefully rested. Your sister has a great freakin rack...SO NOT FAIR!!!!

Posted by: bethany | September 13, 2006 05:57 PM

THANK YOU, Kaniggit, for getting Richard Kiel, who played the character "Jaws" in two James Bond movies. Here's the whole poop on him (was Bo here??) http://imdb.com/name/nm0001423/
Yes, I need a life. And a vacation.

Posted by: cindy | September 13, 2006 08:54 PM

In manner of crazed internet pervert - bikini shot is great. Probably moreso for the fact you guys are in shape - which, unfortunately for the general populus' health & longevity, is not the norm.
Dukay and (insert ziz's other half here) would be happy with the scenario I am sure.

That said, let me assure you, sharks are bloody everywhere. And not just in warm water.. also in cold. They migrate great distances to follow food sources and although you don't see them they are there. They are as reliable as the tax office, although usually less painful.
We always share the water with them - but few are overtly aggressive.
Take the Gold Coast for example... people get up and jump in the canals that surround their houses and swim up and down them every day.
Last year, or was it the year before... hmm... irrelevant... some old bloke got nibbled on and snuffed it - so the local council goes on some big rampage to catch the "rogue killer". Turns out the Gold Coast canals are a veritable breeding ground for sharp-toothed-fishies. I think, from memory, they counted over 35,000 bronze whalers alone - and they're the aggressive buggers.

So they're always there - but don't always show themselves. Besides, life's too short for phobias and "what-if?"'s - I say live the moment!

Posted by: daniel | September 14, 2006 01:24 AM

WOW... what a blog...and so many comments. You must be popular.
Please visit my blogg too.

Posted by: Kirsten | September 14, 2006 04:29 AM

Sharks? The thing to be afraid of now is STINGRAYS. They totally killed Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter who was like, invincible. Stingray through the heart.

I just returned from vacationing in Kentucky and I don't stick my legs straight down in the water because you never know what might be lurking in the bottom of the lake!

Posted by: Miss Sunni | September 14, 2006 02:45 PM

Miss Doxie? I like you cuz you're hot. Also you write funny stuff. I got bit by a dog yesterday but I'm ok. Just really sore. Oh by the way, you're hot. Dukay be a very lucky guy. And I think he's a real nice guy too. So there.

Posted by: DoxieFan | September 14, 2006 06:57 PM

Dude, that snakes on a plane shit is effing priceless. nice job.

And I too share your alco-nose, though mine only works for Boone's Farm, malt liquor, and old Zima.

Posted by: andy | September 15, 2006 10:42 AM

As a human being, you are hot. But that picture of your KNEES drives me krazee. You really have it all: A fantastic body, a beautiful face, intelligence and creativity. Plus, you like to get fucked up, once in a while. Ma'am.

You ARE my kind of girl. Dukay should be proud...and, also, wary.

[can you hear the BeeGees in the background? it is called "How Deep Is Your Love." it melts pallets, one-by-motherfucking-one]

Sorry that I swore--but you do, too, DA-grrl.

Posted by: adambomb1973 | September 17, 2006 06:39 AM

Pee-Es: Has anyone ever visited Rockstarmommy's site? I have. She and she are both hot and intelligent and funny. Point being: They are both hot and smart and funny and Dukay and Ty--respectively--are oh-so lucky dudes. How does one start a weblog? (Does it hurt?) I think I need to start a 'blog because I have so so so much triviality to share. And I'll do it in a comedic way. Mos' Def. All serious-like.

Leigh? You are one pretty pretty pretty woman. Also, your sister is hot. Wow. Nice gene-pool.

Good night now!

Posted by: adambomb1973 | September 17, 2006 06:55 AM

Dangit, you are totally going to make me paranoid at the beach now. That picture made me laugh so hard I think I snorted a little bit.

Posted by: Sabine | September 17, 2006 08:38 PM

The great thing about Leigh is that she is both pretty AND intelligent and blessed with an absolutely wicked sense of humor.

And then there's the strange burning affection I feel for Bo. Now that worries me a little.

Posted by: Gayle Miller | September 29, 2006 05:11 PM

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