Look Who Is So Full Of Ideas Today!
So, yes, it is only September some...teenth, and there are a lot of days before it gets to be Halloween, and I understand this, y'all, but that is not changing the fact that I feel like now is the time when we need to start gathering the supplies we will need for Bo's Halloween costume. For the first time in my life, I am planning ahead. Someone should probably call my mom, who will be thrilled about this state of affairs, and who has probably already finished her Christmas shopping, whereas I, on the other hand, have not yet managed to take my Christmas decorations, from last year, all the way up to the attic (this is true. All the red and green boxes are stacked in a guest room. This is...nice, I think, and quite festive for August houseguests).
(At this point, the decorations are just staying put, man. Considering the fact that the American Holiday Season has somehow bloated itself into late August, according to my local Target, which was already overrun with spider-dripping orange 'n black Halloween displays last month, I think it is perfectly acceptable to start Christmas decorating some time in May.)
(Astoundingly, I seem to have gotten off track.)
But, anyway. So, Bo's costume! The dogs always have Halloween costumes, because I have Issues, but most years I just dress them all in bandanas decorated with ghosts or tombstones or some other "morbid AND kid-friendly!" character. I have, however, in the past, attempted to dress them in actual costumes. Only, weiner dogs don't fit really well in actual dog costumes, primarily because lots of those costumes involve utilizing the front-chest area of the dog. Like, know those little costumes that have the fake legs or little bodies dangling down from a collar? So that it looks like a disembodied and irritated dog head has somehow fused onto a small, cartoonish human form that is probably either a cowboy or a ballerina? Know those? Those don't really work so well with dachshunds. When you put those costumes on dachshunds, whose front-chest area is approximately negative twelve centimeters long, the cowboy/ballerina legs just hang out in front of their faces, like the disembodied and irritated dachshund head has been fused to a body, only that body happens to be flat-on-its-back dead. Which I guess is keeping with the Halloween spirit, but you know. It looks ridiculous. And Lord knows, we can't have that! Not in THIS house!
So, we improvise. Once, we painted Tasha's toenails and attached some foam curlers to her collar, and told everyone that she was a bored housewife, and the rest of the dogs were small brown UPS men. One year, we put them all in an enormous pot with some plastic vegetables, and announced that they were Ingredients. (That is also the year when we learned that Ingredients are usually much...stiller, actually, than a bunch of pissed-off dachshunds in a pot with plastic vegetables. So that one didn't really work.)
But, we have learned one thing for our attempts, and that is that, in a remarkable and unexpected twist, of all the dogs, only Bo will keep a costume on his body for anything longer than six seconds. Seriously: Bo. Bo, who is evil. Bo, who hates all things. Bo, who communicates with his teeth.
This is the same Bo who likes costumes, and will actually growl at you if you try to take them off of his wriggling, hateful self. Somehow, Bo's personality is part Benito Mussolini, and part drag queen. To which we say: watch out, world. It's the unholy marriage of dictatorship and glitter.
So, bearing this in mind, I'm thinking that this year, he should have something extra special, you know? And I've been thinking about it, and here are some ideas that I've been pondering. And really, because I am so nice, I've listed all the necessary supplies and instructions, so you can make them at home, for your own little canine friends! Yay, sharing! I am like Martha Stewart with the Good Things. Check it out:
Costume Idea #1:
(Oh shut up. You were thinking it, too.)
Mona Lisa (one)
Steal Mona Lisa from Louvre. Cut out face part with scissors. Take Valium; locate Bo. Insert Bo into remaining Mona Lisa; hold Bo in place with Super Glue. Take more Valium. Show off handiwork to nice French authorities on the doorstep. Offer them Halloween candy!
And, you're done!
But, maybe you are looking for something less...feminine mystique. In that case, we could go manly. And what's manlier than Costume Idea #2:
(People, I can't help it. It's like I'm being compelled here.)
Jack Bauer (headless)
Obtain headless Jack Bauer from boat on which he is making slow trip to China; set head aside for bronzing. Locate Bo. Attach Bo to lifeless corpse of Jack Bauer with super glue. Use large gun to kill Kim Bauer; collect accolades from everyone in the world. Offer them Halloween candy!
But, maybe...maybe this is not the way you want to go, either. Maybe you are thinking to yourself, "Self, these costume ideas are both economical and unique, but they're just not me. I'm a practical person, who does not want to have to fly to France, or find the boat on which Jack Bauer is currently deposited. I would like to find everything I need on my continent of residence, if at all possible. Can this even be done?"
Well, people, you are in luck, because I am here to tell you that yes it can. You can make an entire costume for your pet with items you already own! (Gasp! Wonder! Amazement!) Because, items you already own are all you need to fashion Costume #3:
(I promise that I am done now.)
Also known as: Yo Quiero Kill You So Much.
White hand towel
Tequila (2 bottles)
Drink one bottle tequila; locate Bo. Wrap body of Bo in hand towel; staple into place. Fill towel with refuse; place second bottle of tequile in Bo's mouth. Use Super Glue for extra hold. Run for life. Bring candy.
So, there you go, y'all. Three perfectly reasonable ideas for Halloween costumes that I may inflict upon Bo this year. But, really, my mind's not made up yet; there are just so many options! Che Bo-Vara? Bo-ri Spelling? A cowboy?
I am sure y'all have plenty of excellent pet costume ideas, and so I think you should share them below, with or without instructions. As always, creativity is encouraged. But if you suggest Little Bo Peep, then Mister Bo might have something to say to you. And he'll probably say it with his teeth.
UPDATED, to add that:
People, we have all been schooled. Thank you to Liberal Banana, who has created the below image, and in doing so, has demonstrated exactly why "bored at work" is an awesome thing indeed.
Behold: Bo Derek.
Y'all enjoy. I'm just going to hang out here, and try to pry Bo's incisors out of my calf muscles. I guess he isn't...pleased.