« Technical Difficulties, Technically | Main | The Grind Sucks »

Talk To Your Doctor Today!

August 30, 2006

Internet, we need to have a little talk about your health. Please ask yourself: are you sleeping too much? Have you consumed nothing but deep fried foods and wine for the past three days? Are you kind of dumber right now than you were last week? To that end, do you know way, way too much about Nicole Richie's collarbone and Kate Hudson's marriage?

If you have answered "yes" to any of the above-questions, then Internet, you may have Vacation With Doxie's Family. Vacation With Doxie's Family can happen to anyone, and it can strike at any time. And just because you think you live a clean lifestyle with no sex, drugs, or rock 'n roll, does not mean that you cannot catch this condition, which results in weight gain, drunkenness, a marked increase in profanity, and the tendency to form actual opinions about things like Nicole Richie's collarbone and Kate Hudson's marriage.

If you think you may have caught Vacation With Doxie's Family, early detection is critical. You should be on the lookout for the following symptoms:

list.jpg

Grocery lists that contain only three items, only one of which is unrelated to drinking. Implication here being that (1) food is completely secondary at this point in our lives, and (2) shopper is somehow not bright enough to remember "ice, chicken, vodka" if left to shopper's own devices, and therefore, these items must be listed on a piece of paper, in pen, in order to ensure that follow-up grocery store trips are not necessary.

(Note: Despite the existence of said note, indeed, follow-up trips were necessary, because Dad bought the wrong kind of vodka, which led my mother to threaten divorce, and led my dad right back out to the liquor store again, because...Citron? Doesn't he even know the woman he's been married to for 35 years?)

buttonbelow.jpg

Existence of strange, button-type object below window. I am not very sure about this one; it seems to be some sort of fountain. I am personally enjoying the beach chairs arranged around it, as if people have been sitting and staring at the thing for hours, waiting for it to start making some kind of sense. It is like our own plastic Alabama Stonehenge! Created in the night, by very tan druids.

freezer.jpg

Contents of freezer, which include alcohol, more alcohol, Fla-Vor-Ice (now extra fruity, I am told), and frozen corn dogs, for all our extra protein and assorted carbohydrate needs. Please also note the wrongly-purchased Citron that has been shoved to the back, where it sits, squat and short and mad, like a little Napoleon all exiled to Elba.

peaches.jpg

Refrigerator drawer filled with pretty fruit, but key fact here is that pretty fruit is now tainted and horribly ruined by the fact that KNOW WHAT IS IN THAT BAG? BAIT. Dad's fucking BAIT. And, I am sorry, but I just do not think that wrapping FUCKING BAIT in a non-hermetically sealed grocery bag is sufficient to prevent slithery bait germs from crawling all over my peaches. So now, peaches are destroyed, and must be fed to passing sea gulls and bitsy little sand crabs.

magazines.jpg

Horrifying shifts in reading material.

Internet! If you recognize any of these symptoms within your own living space, and if you have suddenly developed an intense, burning need to announce our collective responsibility, as a human people, to FEED NICOLE RICHIE, OH MY GOD, SHE IS WASTING AWAY BEFORE OUR EYES AND THIS IS EVERYBODY'S PROBLEM, then you should check with your doctor to see if Xanax, Penicillin, AfterSun, or a flat-out lobotomy are the right choice for you.

Vacation with Doxie's Family: It affects all of us. And you could totally be next.

(P.S.: Incidentally, if you could not tell from the above, I will go ahead and reveal that obviously, I am having a really, really good time. Y'all come on over! You can have the Citron!)

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

70 Comments

Oh man, I would be first in line to SIGN UP for that disease. That is my kind of ailment right there. FYI - you can always use the Citron to make fruity, beachy-type drinks. I just feel so badly for it! It only wants to help, you know.

Posted by: Catherino | August 30, 2006 01:16 PM

Catherino, you are absolutely invited. Come share the happy affliction!

Posted by: miss doxie | August 30, 2006 01:19 PM

That? Sounds like the best. Illness. Ever.

How do I catch that? (well all of it except the Bait. because ew.

Posted by: nic | August 30, 2006 01:33 PM

A photo entry?? While you're on vacation?? I love it! Keep 'em coming!

Posted by: shaxgirl | August 30, 2006 01:35 PM

Is Grey Goose really the best vodka, in your opinion? I've never tried it. I'm thinking that I should.

Posted by: erica | August 30, 2006 01:49 PM

I notice that despite the Citron being in disgrace, it appears to have been tapped for its Citrony goodness.

Posted by: Kristen | August 30, 2006 01:55 PM

Somebody loves the Citron, the botlle is half gone.

Posted by: Peter | August 30, 2006 02:09 PM

I'm sure there exists a drink somewhere out there, just waiting to be born on Vacation with Doxie's Family, that could use both the banished Citron and the peaches covered in bait-germ. Because, really, the alcohol content in said Citron would totally kill ALL bait-germ issues on sad, little peaches.
You could feed it to Nicole Richie!!!

Posted by: Hillary | August 30, 2006 02:33 PM

I think the button thing actually looks like a giant hatch cover or something. Very bizarre!

Posted by: Liz | August 30, 2006 02:45 PM

I wouldn't complain too much if I caught that disease. In fact, it sounds like a helluva time, bait infested peaches and all.

Posted by: Beachgal | August 30, 2006 02:55 PM

Take that citron vodka, mix it with Sprite/7-Up/Sierra Mist and your favorite fruit juice (mango, guava, pomegranite or apricot I can vouch for!) Would you treat good vodka this way? Of course not! But citron vodka? Yes indeed!

Posted by: Carolie | August 30, 2006 02:58 PM

This sounds eeriely similiar to the Unemployed For Two Months disease I caught recently, although you'd have to add watching Project Runway and Miami Ink marathons and eating raw cookie dough to the mix. And dude, I couldn't take it and sent Nicole Richie some cinnamon crunch bagels in the mail.

Posted by: Ness | August 30, 2006 03:05 PM

Be grateful he didn't buy " Absolut Hallon" (a.k.a Raspberry Vodka), which tastes more vile than cough syrup...

Posted by: Anna | August 30, 2006 03:10 PM

This sounds eeriely similiar to the Unemployed For Two Months disease I caught recently, although you'd have to add watching Project Runway and Miami Ink marathons and eating raw cookie dough to the mix. And dude, I couldn't take it and sent Nicole Richie some cinnamon crunch bagels in the mail.

Posted by: Ness | August 30, 2006 03:37 PM

That kinda sounds like the most fun disease ever.
And your mum must be a very patient lady, what with the wrong vodka and the ewwww bait and she's stayed married to him for so long. ;-) Bait! With the peaches! Just.so.wrong.

Posted by: Heather | August 30, 2006 03:46 PM

Um, tell me. Where can I catch said affliction? I need a serious case of it, like, stat.

Posted by: Jessie | August 30, 2006 03:48 PM

Oh my God, the bait. THE BAIT! That is absolutlly unacceptable, and not only would the peaches be given away to the gulls, the person who put the BAIT in the fruit drawer would possibly be expelled from the vacation hotel/condo.

Posted by: Catherine | August 30, 2006 04:03 PM

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=ADME:L:LCA:US:11&item=200021983816

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRGHH!

Posted by: ScottsdaleGirl | August 30, 2006 04:04 PM

Will you breathe some germs my way,pleeeaaassse??? I think I need a very severe case of this right away........

Posted by: ishouldbeworking | August 30, 2006 04:07 PM

I could so love having that disease right now. It certainly beats Soccer Mom Hellitis and the Raging Toddler Infestation I have right now.

Posted by: Mrs X | August 30, 2006 04:19 PM

Ewwww. That bait is really disgusting!

http://www.says-it.com/seal/index.php
There are doxie-dogs in this thing!!

Posted by: Much More Than A Mom | August 30, 2006 04:47 PM

Hahaha, I have been on your vacation all summer, and know more about all of hollywood than I ever thought I could. (Do not forget to speculate on why the world has not seen Tom and Katie's bastard child!! Is it deformed? What a thrilling thought....)

And the Citron? Around here it wouldn't have even made it to the back of my freezer, cause vodka is vodka and vodka is good.

Posted by: clickmom | August 30, 2006 05:07 PM

After all this time, I have a diagnosis. However, I apparently have chronic, incurable Vacation With Doxie's Family.

Ok, maybe it's not incurable. For all I know, it can be fixed with aspirin, water and a nap. I just haven't really tried, because, to be honest, I'm kind of enjoying this disease. It beats chicken pox all to hell and back.

Posted by: Contrary | August 30, 2006 05:55 PM

I have that disease but it is in remission, unfortunately.

Posted by: Suz | August 30, 2006 06:12 PM

Your mom is right: Citron is disgusting. I wouldn't drink the Goose either though. Hey, I've been to Russia three times, I know my Vodka: get the cheap potato vodka in a plastic bottle. You won't regret it!

Posted by: Stacia | August 30, 2006 06:21 PM

OH, NO, I totally have it! You know how I know? Because in the picture of the magazines in the cute beach bag, I found myself actually trying to read the covers. I saw "Jen: 'I'm Not ...... ed.'" and I was all, "She's not WHAT? She's not engaged? Is that what it says?? I have to find out what it says!!!" Oh man, I've got it bad.

Posted by: BaddMinton | August 30, 2006 06:48 PM

Um. Yeah. Apparently, "Jen" is not engaged to Vince.

Or so she says, in an exclusive interview with People, where she is basically all, "We're totally not engaged. And, know what? Now I will be extra cagey, and will not even really admit that we are dating. In fact, who is this Vince person? Where am I? Aren't you excited about getting this excusive interview?"

Posted by: miss doxie | August 30, 2006 09:01 PM

That's not a fountain! It's the earth's pacifier!

Posted by: Dad Gone Mad | August 30, 2006 09:55 PM

If you could get your hands on a needle and syringe you could add some Citron to the unfrozen Flav-o-ice. WooHooo! And that orange circle thing? Don't pull on it or the Gulf of Mexico will go down the drain.
Now if you will excuse me I have to go make myself and Absolut Gibson Martini. Have fun!!!

Posted by: mackmomma | August 30, 2006 11:49 PM

I wish I could say tsk tsk to Dad for buying the Citron, but as I type, there are bottles of watermelon and (gasp) raspberry vokda in my freezer. Shut up, I like it with Sprite.

But the bait? To that, I must tsk.

Posted by: a horrible warning | August 31, 2006 01:17 AM

Doxie, I totally just googled the distance between my beach this weekend and yours! (Sigh...180 miles...)

Aren't the Gulf Coast beaches the MOST beautiful anywhere? I adore that white sand.

Well OF COURSE he put the bait in the 'frig, where else would you put it?

Posted by: wickedfun | August 31, 2006 09:36 AM

YAY! I'm flying to Gulf Shores tomorrow morning at 6:00AM to be with my family! Seeing this post just ruined my plans of being productive today! Doxie, perhaps I'll see you out and about at the Florabama or Livebait!

Posted by: Alaina | August 31, 2006 09:40 AM

Oh my Lord, I wanna come, I wanna come. I have my own Adirondack chairs and could talk about both Nicole Richie and the Nicole Richie-ing of Lindsey Lohan (plus subsequent rehabbing) all damned day. And I would bring Grey Goose, not any damned Citron.

I will walk, if need be.

Also have cat for Bo to chew on.

Posted by: TranceJen | August 31, 2006 11:14 AM

I think you could really help Bo out by getting him these.

That would be a guaranteed trip to the ER!

Posted by: Sunni | August 31, 2006 11:29 AM

I'll pass on the Citron, but I'm there if that Jack Black will be offered! Looks like you are having a marvelous time. And why waste the peaches on seagulls and sand crabs when, obviously, Nicole Richie needs them more to try to weigh more than my four month old dachsund puppy?!?!?!?!?! Will El Dukay be joining the debauchery?

I'm sure Bo is enjoying his royal treatment. But prepare for the revenge of leaving him in such a horrid place that offers cuddles, massages, and royal treats, when he really wanted to go to the beach and wear his sun hat again! LOL

Posted by: sammynella | August 31, 2006 11:50 AM

Oh, I'm feeling a case of this coming on. Well, it might be a variant of said disease as I plan to have a similar time up in Michigan this weekend. Although, I plan on less bait. And that big pacifier thing. Weirdness.

Posted by: Hannah | August 31, 2006 12:30 PM

I'm really glad you offered the Citron. Otherwise I would've had to ask for it, and that'd just be tacky.

Posted by: Fraulein N | August 31, 2006 12:39 PM

Add some Graeter's ice cream and that's my vacation freezer, too. and Twizzlers. And chocolate turtle Chex Mix. I actually brought a back issue of the New Yorker to the beach this month and was laughed out of the house. I love my family.

Posted by: DinerGirl | August 31, 2006 02:14 PM

Hey, may be in PC this weekend. Will call if so. Will be partying like a college girl on spring break. Minus promiscuity, I mean. And toplessness. And thong. And no french-kissing girls to tittilate 24 year old fratters.

Wait, ignore above. May be in PC this weekend partying like a 32 year old soccer mom. Will call if it's not past 9:00.

Posted by: Robyn | August 31, 2006 02:40 PM

You must totally STAY ILL.
That way, we get 2 posts in 3 days.
Magic.

Posted by: wendywoo | August 31, 2006 02:50 PM

Hi, Miss Doxie! I am delurking to tell you that I started reading your blog last week and have just finished laughing my way through the entire archives and I am so very sad that I have no more Miss Doxie to read. I heart your blog! You are hysterical/adorable and so are your dogs.

Posted by: Tartine | August 31, 2006 02:57 PM

PHEW, Thanks for the "Jen" update, Miss D! Now I can sleep tonight. Geez, though, how annoying is she? Ah, those kooky celebs and their krazy antics. (shaking head and turning eyes skyward)

P.S. Likening the Citron to an exiled Napoleon is perhaps the most brilliant analogy that has ever been made in the history of the universe. I laughed so hard!

Posted by: BaddMinton | August 31, 2006 06:03 PM

Did those peaches come from the peach stop on the interstate between Montgomery and Gulf Shores? Because if THOSE tasty beautiful peaches from THAT location were tainted by festering bait it is an abomination against God and all that it holy.

Posted by: Louly | August 31, 2006 06:19 PM

I loved that you were able to make an accurate Napolean referrence in regards to vodka. You always make my day, Miss Doxie!

Posted by: Dustin | August 31, 2006 08:24 PM

Oh, wow, I'm vacay-ed out or I'd be there. Sorry. Long summer, not pretty.

And all that button thingie needs is a few squiggly lines on it and it could be a Buddhist labyrinth thingie.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/life/religion/4064078.html


Try that when you're drunk!

Posted by: Miss Fish | August 31, 2006 11:29 PM

Doxie! Stop reading those ridiculous magazines and get to drawing dachshund cartoons for us! We have been patient as long as we can.

And that thing below your window looks like something to exercise on to me. You know, like one of the stops on an exer-path.

Posted by: Daffy | September 1, 2006 11:02 AM

Citron with Lemonade and ice in a blender. Yum. Hot sun, beach. It's the refreshingest.

Posted by: Niki P. | September 1, 2006 11:57 AM

The pacifier like thing looks like a huge drain plug to me. Like if you tugged on it the whole earth would be sucked into the hole and go down the damn drain!

Posted by: Jessica | September 1, 2006 02:51 PM

Hmm... Citron. Peaches. Fla-Vor-Ice. Anyone got a blender?

This Doxie cocktail special may help with figuring out what that circle-y thing is. Whatever it is, the chairs certainly seem interested in it.

Posted by: Lawyerish | September 1, 2006 03:58 PM

OH MY GOD.....I apparently vacation 365 days a week! What does this mean? WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Posted by: Floyd | September 1, 2006 04:30 PM

Ummm...wow...clearly it means that I will write "365 days a week" as opposed to "365 a year".

More vodka needed.

(Sorry!)

Posted by: Floyd | September 1, 2006 04:30 PM

That's an illness that someone should write about in a scholarly journal somewhere. Call it something Latin-ish and scholarly, like "VacayKillsBrainCells-itis". It sounds way better than better than something my friend was just diagnosed with...no shit, ready?: "Senile Vagina". I've decided that *that* will be the name of my new band-- fronted by Othello Wanderpants as the lead singer.

Posted by: Melbert | September 1, 2006 05:15 PM

man, so jealous. i wanna go on vacation with miss doxie! waaaah!

Posted by: sweetney | September 1, 2006 06:12 PM

Seriously, I can come and get rid of all the bad booze for ya!

Posted by: KaraMia | September 1, 2006 07:32 PM

I will drink the Citron, thank you.

DUDE. I just got back to New Jersey after a month in Savannah. In withdrawl! Need seafood and wine! Why am I in Jersey?!?!? Please come bring me back to the South post haste. Please.

Posted by: missbanshee | September 1, 2006 10:39 PM

Oh man. Are you sure we aren't somehow related? Because I'm pretty sure I have these same symptoms from vacation with my own family.

And I'm just planning another extended family vacation for next June. I am a sick, sick puppy.

Posted by: Nancy | September 2, 2006 07:50 PM

Oooh, I HATE bait...when we go camping, Husband has to have his OWN bait cooler, for all things fishing-related. I refuse to have it near the food, because...EW! Absolut Mandarin is GOOD, and I also like the citron...ummm, well, ANY vodka is good, really. Nicole's face is starting to kind of look like an elf, the skinnier she gets. Scary.

Posted by: baseballmom | September 2, 2006 08:13 PM

So, I'm delurking to say that I just googled "how long will stitches hurt" (because I am a huge whiney baby and it hurts, a LOT, even if it was five days ago and why is nobody bringing me ice cream?) and your site came up! The post about your toe! And I got all, "Oh! I read her! And she's famous on Google stitches searches!" Etc.

Say hi to the beach for me.

Posted by: kara marie | September 4, 2006 08:24 PM

Miss Doxie, your vacation sounds like one I read about in a book called Savannah by the Sea by Denise Hildreth. She, unfortunately, is owned by a lab and not a doxie, but hey...can't have it all, right?

Princess Lucy loved the pictures of the new pupper! She sat in my lap and barked and barked and barked. Daddy was NOT pleased as he had to work today even though the rest of the world observed Labor Day. Sigh.

I just discovered your site today, but I will be back...definitely.

Take care,

Melissa O in NYC
aka the misplaced Southern Belle (love doth make fools of us all!)

Posted by: Princess Lucy's Ma in NYC | September 5, 2006 12:06 AM

Why didn't anyone put the Citron and the bait in the same place? Serves 2 purposes: 1) Icky things are together out of sight 2) Drunk bait is much more appealing to fish.

Posted by: Tripping Daisy | September 5, 2006 05:16 PM

Hey, maybe you can send Nicole Ritchie your pretty fruit. I mean, she doesn't need to know about the whole bait thing, ya know...

Posted by: Chase | September 5, 2006 09:04 PM

YAY! Sounds fabulous--except for the icky icky poo poo bait on the lovely peaches.

One thing though: PICTURES!! MORE PICTURES!!

I'm very demanding and slightly irrational, but hopefully you'll comply with my request.

Posted by: Elijah | September 5, 2006 09:45 PM

Oh no! I think I'm coming down with it! I must quit work - now!

Oh, and I'll gladly take the Vodka your mom didn't like. :)

Posted by: carmen | September 6, 2006 07:25 AM

That's the most rewarding disease since chlamydia. But I'm guessing it's less grisly to get rid of. Just a guess. Dude, your pictures crack my shit up. Seriously.

Posted by: andy | September 6, 2006 10:57 AM

My husband has what we have called for years 'B Disease.' Its symptoms include having way too much to drink, falling asleep before everyone else (or even taking impromptu naps during loud halftime shows at football games), at which point we all put stuff all over his prone body and take pictures of him: pool cues up pants legs,cat's asses in face, pretzels in ears, etc. It is highly entertaining. For us.

Citron is excellent mixed with Diet Squirt with a twist of lemon or lime. Very beachy.

Posted by: Peggasus | September 6, 2006 11:44 AM

My sister and I have the same disease but it goes by different names, usually 'Christmas' or 'Thanksgiving.' In the past we have also called it 'Calabash!' Or, alternatively, 'Thursday Night.'

Many have tried to cure us of this disease, but all have failed. Charitable institutions dedicated to fighting this disease have been founded, but, alas, they always fold -- especially after we embezzle the accounts in order to buy more Ice Chicken and Vodka.

CALABASH!

Posted by: cameltoejones | September 6, 2006 07:29 PM

Diet squirt?
The only time I ever heard the word 'squirt' in the US was when I overheard a father say to his little son 'do you need to squirt?'

I didn't know it came in a diet version.

You are a funny lot.

Posted by: wendywoo | September 7, 2006 05:57 PM

Sounds like a vacation with my family too..........and I like it! ;) Have fun.

Posted by: Leslie | September 7, 2006 06:06 PM

I would SOOOO love to vacation with YOUR family. Ice Chicken Vodka...I'm THERE!

Perhaps we could start a collection to buy Nicole Richie a sandwich!

NEED MORE BO!! NEED MORE DRAWINGS!!

We heart Doxie!

Posted by: Leesavee | September 8, 2006 03:26 PM

put down the cocktail and give uz an update. also, totally need more bo. bo is my favorite internet dog now that katie of fussy fame has passed on. poor katie.

Posted by: honestyrain | September 9, 2006 08:22 PM

Post a comment: