OMG THAT'S RIGHT I HAVE A WEBSITE YOU GUYS
Well, hello! I...have been gone a while! It hasn't been like I have been doing something fabulous. I've been off working, because that is my thing, and in these last few weeks, I have been doing a lot of work. A lot lot of work. I have been doing actually so much work that I was averaging three nights of sleep per week and it got to the point where I had the big old crazy runaway-bride eyes all the time, and even my BOSS was hiding from me, whispering "she scares me!" whenever I'd stumble past, and finally a partner came into my office and grabbed my shoulders and hollered YOU REALLY NEED TO JUST GO HOME AND SLEEP FOR ABOUT SIXTEEN DAYS. And...well, I haven't done that, yet, but I did finish the project, and I have now officially written A Book, but I promise you that you will never, ever, ever want to read it. I do not even want to read it. It is the most boring book in boringtown, but it's written, dammit, so if you are just fucking dying to know about the judicial review procedures for an Occupational Safety and Health Stazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yeah. So, that's where I've been. Brought to you by a series of semi-coherent, run-on sentences. Aren't you glad I'm back?
In other news, I am so far behind in answering emails that my inbox has a comma in it, and so if you are trying to get in touch with me for something, I am sorry. I have been very, very worky lately, and have been exactly zero fun. Seriously, just ask Dukay! Or, anyone! I blow! They're planning on having me killed!
But, that is neither here nor there, because: hey! Speaking of email, I have to now complain that there is this whole new spam thing that the internet seems to have sprung on me while I was working, and it is pissing me off, because I keep on getting emails with interesting subject lines, from people with seemingly normal names that are not BIGPEN1SSSSMASTER, and so I open them, only then I am irritated because they are actually just spam ads telling me about my long lost relatives in Nambia, who have apparently died but they still need to borrow my bank account and social security number real quick. This is pissing me off, people. It is taking valuable seconds away from my life. Those seconds could be spent doing productive things, like making out or cleaning up dog pee, but instead, I am reading such questions as, "ARRE THe LADIES SsayinG THAT It IS NOT BiG ENuFF???" and that just makes me cranky.
I mean, wouldn't you be a litttle excited to get an email from someone named "Righteousness L. Abrams"? Wouldn't you even be a little bit more excited when you saw that the subject line was "Fuzz abdication!"? I was! I was really excited! And then I opened it, and: advertisement for a weight loss supplement. Fucking Righteousness! What are you saying, Righteousness? Are you saying I'm fat, Righteousness? That is very passive-aggressive of you, Righteousness. Frankly, I would have expected better from Righteousness.
I keep on falling for this, because I am used to getting email from people whose names I don't recognize, and a lot of the time, these emails have funny subject lines (actual example: "Man Panties!"), so I just open my mail automatically. And so my little heart just keeps on breaking, because I'm like, "Ooo! Mr. Ireland F. Calloway wants me to know about 'upside down weightlifers!' That promises hours of fun!" and then: herbal viagra for my SHOCKKINGLLY TINNY PEN1S. Honestly. Why do you build me up, Buttercup? Is it just to let me down?
But, there has been an upside to all this crushing disappointment, and I have decided that if I ever have a child, I am probably going to have to name him/her one of these spam names, because...holy shit. They are brilliant. I had always kind of wanted to take a wide variety of drugs and them name my child after household objects, Zappa style ("This is little Lightbulb Moon Oven! And her brother, Coca-Cola Fork Sphincter!"), but now I am thinking that the spam name is the way to go. I mean, I'm not going to have an actual kid for many years and all, but maybe I'll manage to produce one in the next half an hour or so -- like, possibly I can bud one, in the manner of yeast -- just entirely so I can give him a name like:
Cougar P. Sanchez
Intoxicant D. Degas
Inmate C. Alumnae
Condensation S. Horowitz
Menelaius J. Detail
Conversation L. Pauper
Booty D. Licious
All of these are actual names taken from my inbox right now. Now that I am finished writing that book about judicial reviezzzzzzzzzzzzzz, maybe I should turn my attention to a new writing project. I could put together the best baby name book in the world! As it is, I already kind of want to just print these out and start giving the list to pregnant women, all, "Hey, have you considered naming it 'Condensation'? Is your family name 'Wanderpants'? Why not? Well, you can have it legally changed to 'Wanderpants,' you know. Here's the phone number for the court." It would be like a public service!
Seeing, however, that the idea of writing so much as a post-it right now makes my brain cry, I am probably not going to compile such a list; instead, I think I will make you do it, as I am a slave driver in the manner of Cornelius F. Waggerbottom, who has popped into my life four times already shouting at me to LOOSE THE FAT TODAY!, after asking me quite innocently, in his subject line: "Does this look like a frog to you?"
(And, I admit it. I keep on having to check. Maybe this time it will look like a frog to me! Also, I am intrigued by the notion of something that might, or might not, look like a frog. What could it mean? Is it a fake frog? Is it a mold that has taken the countenance of a frog, like the Virgin Mary sometimes does on toast? Ever so many possibilities!)
And...oh, I was talking. So, anyway, I am a slave driver, and so, you do it! Y'all tell me the awesomest names you have ever heard, particularly from your spam, and then know what we will have? A huge ass list that we can give to pregnant women. And if just one of them -- just one -- names her baby "Inquiringly"? Then, people: our work here will be done, and our lives will be complete.
Everyone have a good week; I've missed all of y'all! But I may have missed Constipation D. Hooligan the most.