Impossible. I just can't believe how good your work is.*
Because I have been gone so long, working on a monster brief that is finally, FINALLY filed, I am now going to make it up to you. Because it is Tuesday, and we are all back at work (except for those of you who had to work on Monday, and those of you who actually are not at work at all today or who do not have jobs, and really, it is a small world and there are a lot of different kinds of people and it is bad for me to generalize, and it isn't like we all live in the U.S. even, but you get my point and ANYWAY): I hereby give you The Best. Seriously! Total Bestness.
Okay, maybe that is hyperbole, and also, not all of these are my own best, and actually a lot of The Best below came from other people, but I have collected them for you anyway, because I am just remarkably giving in that way. They should probably name a holiday after me, and I think we should all take it right now, no matter where we live and whether or not we like John Denver, I think we should look past our little differences and just take a nap.
So, anyway, here they are! And, maybe you had to be there for, oh...all of these, I guess, but y'all -- some of them have made me laugh so hard that I have honestly had to lay down so I would not die. I hope you enjoy.
BEST COMMENTS OF ALL TIME, NOT NECESSARILY DUE TO INHERENT COMEDY, BUT BECAUSE OF CONTEXT WHICH MAKES THEM MORE AWESOME THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, ALMOST INCLUDING DIET COKE
"We're going to swim."
-- Best straight-faced response to the question "How are you going to get to the party tonight?" when asked by annoying person who is always trying to bum rides on account of being too lazy to drive own car. Said by Ziz, who is not going to take any of your shit whatsoever.
"I think you are really not giving Bob Saget the chance he so rightly deserves."
-- Best response to my Proclamation that Full House will never be watched on any television set I own. Extra points for complete sincerity, and also for recognizing greatness that is Bob Saget.
"Can't Get Off!"
-- Best wrongly-remembered movie title. Suggested by my mother, who would have liked to go to a matinee of Failure To Launch, but once she'd offered us the choice of that or "Can't Get Off," we became far more interested in finding the latter movie instead. There are not enough romantic comedies about impotence! Let's work together to change that.
"I'm soliciting. Need a date?"
-- Best worst thing to ask the cops in Nowhere, Georgia, in response to the question "What are you doing out here?" and this is a stupid question, because you are sitting on the trunk of your car as thick, white smoke pours out from under the open hood like you're enjoying a radiator barbecue, and you also happen to be wearing a fucking EVENING gown at this particular time, and Jesus. What do you THINK I am doing, officer? Robbing a bank? COME HELP ME.
(Anyway, they totally did not think that was funny at all.)
"The pilgrims did not have Briefs, Leigh."
-- Best justification for why I should stop working already. Provided by the always-brilliant Robyn, who is completely right. The pilgrims did NOT have briefs, and yet, they lived very full lives before dying of cholera! Or old age, at 31.
“He thinks I’m really erotic.”
-- Best miscommunication ever passed on by an eleven year-old Doxie to her now hysterical mother, in relating what my English teacher thought about my writing. The actual word was “erratic.” Ultimately, the mistake was discovered before the school district became involved, but I damn sure never mixed up “erratic” and “erotic” again.
“Mom told Dad you won’t look like that after you squeeze out some babies.”
-- Best statement ever made by a kid I used to babysit for when I was in high school, who shared this slice of brilliance at a time when I was standing in the kitchen with his mother. She died of shame, but I thought it was the funniest thing I’d ever heard in my life.
"A diamond canoe filled with solid gold dental floss."
-- Best suggestion made in competition to name most "Completely Pointless, But Ridiculously Extravagant" thing the Enron guys should have spent the company's funds on; other notable entries included "firelogs made of actual money" and "Paris Hilton."
"YOU NEVER EVEN CALLED ME BY MY NAME."
-- Best spontaneous singing ever performed by my neighborhood liquor store owner, who learned the majority of his English by listening to the country music station; made awesome by the fact that he was responding to a conversation I was having with another customer, for whom I had held open the door; the customer smarmied on up to me, getting very close to my neck, and whispered, "You didn't have to do that, darlin," and I jumped away and snotted back, "Well, you don't have to call me 'darlin'', darlin'," and that was when Mr. Chu knew that his moment had come, and it was really just one of those things that I cannot explain, but the whole world just came together at that second, and I laughed so hard I almost broke something internal.
“Smooth move, Ex-Lax.”
-- Best thing to say to an actual box of Ex-Lax, which has spontaneously fallen off the shelf of the grocery store and landed on the ground in front of your oncoming cart. Although, pretty much the best thing to say to an actual box of Ex-Lax in any situation.
"Please come get your black chicken off of my front porch, because it is really, really disgusting and I just can't take it anymore."
-- Best note to find taped on your front door by your neighbor, in response to the fact that your one-eyed rooster, Earl, has taken to wandering over to her porch and shitting all over her doormat. Addressed to our friend Bob Dylan, who has since had the note professionally matted and framed.
"Son, you have GOT to be on drugs."
-- Best completely correct conclusion reached by father of Bob Dylan, upon pulling police report of Bob Dylan, and uttered immediately after said father noted that, "Son, you have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR CITATIONS for having FARM ANIMALS within the CITY LIMITS." Equally excellent comment made by father of Bob Dylan in same conversation: "Since when do you have a GODDAMN GOAT?"
Also, as long as we are talking drugs (talking! Not taking! The team here at www.missdoxie.com strongly advises all kids to Just Say No!, but www.missdoxie.com also admits that the use of substances sometimes leads to some pretty entertaining stories, like this one):
"Obviously, you're not a golfer."
-- Best thing to say to your furious mother who has just discovered your bong, and is holding it out to you and waiting for some kind of explanation, young man. Uttered by our friend Newlywed Guy's younger brother. Really, REALLY did not work with respect to the mother, but infinity points for total brilliance anyway.
Allright. So, you guys, to me, these are some of the best comments ever. And maybe this is just my own twisted little sense of humor, but everything here just killed me. But, you know. Several things: firstly, I know there are lots more comments that I am not remembering right now, because of course the second I had the idea for this entry, I forgot every funny thing I had ever heard in my life. That is just how that works. And, secondly, just because these are funny to ME, does not mean that they are funny to YOU. In fact, they are probably not. You probably hate me now. You are like, "Best shmest. This entry sucks that aforementioned goat's balls."
So, what I am going to do, is I am going to continue updating this list in the comments to this entry as I think of more things. And I am hoping that y'all will add your own Best Of comments as well, and then we will have a huge list of almost-as-awesome-as-Diet-Coke statements that made us laugh, for whatever reason strikes our collective fancy. So, add away, and I will, too, and THEN we'll go take that nap.
* And let us not forget the title to this entry, coming in as Best Spam Comment Ever On This Site, as it gives the reader no indication that when clicked, its link will happily direct you to a site about spanking. But not just regular spanking: Asian spanking. Because American spanking is just so fucking boring.
Oh, and P.S.: Bo says Memorial Day sucked.
BO HATE HAT.