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Impossible. I just can't believe how good your work is.*

May 30, 2006

Because I have been gone so long, working on a monster brief that is finally, FINALLY filed, I am now going to make it up to you. Because it is Tuesday, and we are all back at work (except for those of you who had to work on Monday, and those of you who actually are not at work at all today or who do not have jobs, and really, it is a small world and there are a lot of different kinds of people and it is bad for me to generalize, and it isn't like we all live in the U.S. even, but you get my point and ANYWAY): I hereby give you The Best. Seriously! Total Bestness.

Okay, maybe that is hyperbole, and also, not all of these are my own best, and actually a lot of The Best below came from other people, but I have collected them for you anyway, because I am just remarkably giving in that way. They should probably name a holiday after me, and I think we should all take it right now, no matter where we live and whether or not we like John Denver, I think we should look past our little differences and just take a nap.

So, anyway, here they are! And, maybe you had to be there for, oh...all of these, I guess, but y'all -- some of them have made me laugh so hard that I have honestly had to lay down so I would not die. I hope you enjoy.

BEST COMMENTS OF ALL TIME, NOT NECESSARILY DUE TO INHERENT COMEDY, BUT BECAUSE OF CONTEXT WHICH MAKES THEM MORE AWESOME THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD, ALMOST INCLUDING DIET COKE

"We're going to swim."

-- Best straight-faced response to the question "How are you going to get to the party tonight?" when asked by annoying person who is always trying to bum rides on account of being too lazy to drive own car. Said by Ziz, who is not going to take any of your shit whatsoever.

"I think you are really not giving Bob Saget the chance he so rightly deserves."

-- Best response to my Proclamation that Full House will never be watched on any television set I own. Extra points for complete sincerity, and also for recognizing greatness that is Bob Saget.

"Can't Get Off!"

-- Best wrongly-remembered movie title. Suggested by my mother, who would have liked to go to a matinee of Failure To Launch, but once she'd offered us the choice of that or "Can't Get Off," we became far more interested in finding the latter movie instead. There are not enough romantic comedies about impotence! Let's work together to change that.

"I'm soliciting. Need a date?"

-- Best worst thing to ask the cops in Nowhere, Georgia, in response to the question "What are you doing out here?" and this is a stupid question, because you are sitting on the trunk of your car as thick, white smoke pours out from under the open hood like you're enjoying a radiator barbecue, and you also happen to be wearing a fucking EVENING gown at this particular time, and Jesus. What do you THINK I am doing, officer? Robbing a bank? COME HELP ME.

(Anyway, they totally did not think that was funny at all.)

"The pilgrims did not have Briefs, Leigh."

-- Best justification for why I should stop working already. Provided by the always-brilliant Robyn, who is completely right. The pilgrims did NOT have briefs, and yet, they lived very full lives before dying of cholera! Or old age, at 31.

“He thinks I’m really erotic.”

-- Best miscommunication ever passed on by an eleven year-old Doxie to her now hysterical mother, in relating what my English teacher thought about my writing. The actual word was “erratic.” Ultimately, the mistake was discovered before the school district became involved, but I damn sure never mixed up “erratic” and “erotic” again.

“Mom told Dad you won’t look like that after you squeeze out some babies.”

-- Best statement ever made by a kid I used to babysit for when I was in high school, who shared this slice of brilliance at a time when I was standing in the kitchen with his mother. She died of shame, but I thought it was the funniest thing I’d ever heard in my life.

"A diamond canoe filled with solid gold dental floss."

-- Best suggestion made in competition to name most "Completely Pointless, But Ridiculously Extravagant" thing the Enron guys should have spent the company's funds on; other notable entries included "firelogs made of actual money" and "Paris Hilton."

"YOU NEVER EVEN CALLED ME BY MY NAME."

-- Best spontaneous singing ever performed by my neighborhood liquor store owner, who learned the majority of his English by listening to the country music station; made awesome by the fact that he was responding to a conversation I was having with another customer, for whom I had held open the door; the customer smarmied on up to me, getting very close to my neck, and whispered, "You didn't have to do that, darlin," and I jumped away and snotted back, "Well, you don't have to call me 'darlin'', darlin'," and that was when Mr. Chu knew that his moment had come, and it was really just one of those things that I cannot explain, but the whole world just came together at that second, and I laughed so hard I almost broke something internal.

“Smooth move, Ex-Lax.”

-- Best thing to say to an actual box of Ex-Lax, which has spontaneously fallen off the shelf of the grocery store and landed on the ground in front of your oncoming cart. Although, pretty much the best thing to say to an actual box of Ex-Lax in any situation.

"Please come get your black chicken off of my front porch, because it is really, really disgusting and I just can't take it anymore."

-- Best note to find taped on your front door by your neighbor, in response to the fact that your one-eyed rooster, Earl, has taken to wandering over to her porch and shitting all over her doormat. Addressed to our friend Bob Dylan, who has since had the note professionally matted and framed.

"Son, you have GOT to be on drugs."

-- Best completely correct conclusion reached by father of Bob Dylan, upon pulling police report of Bob Dylan, and uttered immediately after said father noted that, "Son, you have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR CITATIONS for having FARM ANIMALS within the CITY LIMITS." Equally excellent comment made by father of Bob Dylan in same conversation: "Since when do you have a GODDAMN GOAT?"

Also, as long as we are talking drugs (talking! Not taking! The team here at www.missdoxie.com strongly advises all kids to Just Say No!, but www.missdoxie.com also admits that the use of substances sometimes leads to some pretty entertaining stories, like this one):

"Obviously, you're not a golfer."

-- Best thing to say to your furious mother who has just discovered your bong, and is holding it out to you and waiting for some kind of explanation, young man. Uttered by our friend Newlywed Guy's younger brother. Really, REALLY did not work with respect to the mother, but infinity points for total brilliance anyway.

Allright. So, you guys, to me, these are some of the best comments ever. And maybe this is just my own twisted little sense of humor, but everything here just killed me. But, you know. Several things: firstly, I know there are lots more comments that I am not remembering right now, because of course the second I had the idea for this entry, I forgot every funny thing I had ever heard in my life. That is just how that works. And, secondly, just because these are funny to ME, does not mean that they are funny to YOU. In fact, they are probably not. You probably hate me now. You are like, "Best shmest. This entry sucks that aforementioned goat's balls."

So, what I am going to do, is I am going to continue updating this list in the comments to this entry as I think of more things. And I am hoping that y'all will add your own Best Of comments as well, and then we will have a huge list of almost-as-awesome-as-Diet-Coke statements that made us laugh, for whatever reason strikes our collective fancy. So, add away, and I will, too, and THEN we'll go take that nap.

* And let us not forget the title to this entry, coming in as Best Spam Comment Ever On This Site, as it gives the reader no indication that when clicked, its link will happily direct you to a site about spanking. But not just regular spanking: Asian spanking. Because American spanking is just so fucking boring.

Oh, and P.S.: Bo says Memorial Day sucked.

bohat.JPG
BO HATE HAT.

Posted by doxie in The Innernet | permalink

241 Comments

OMG! I have just laughed myself into an asthma attack. This was worth the wait. My brain is so numb from all the hilarity I can't think of any comments to add just now, but will get back to you if my remeberbry ever starts to work again.

Posted by: mackmomma | May 30, 2006 02:40 PM

I told you my brain was numb. I did proofread before I hit send. Still didn't see the misspelling in remembery. When my daughter was 4 she told me proudly she had a good remembery.

Posted by: mackmomma | May 30, 2006 02:44 PM

"Jesus said I can cut my own hair."

-- Said by my three year old daughter, the day after she had had a stern talking to about who is and is not allowed to take scissors to her hair.

Posted by: mom on a wire | May 30, 2006 02:52 PM

"Obviously, you're not a golfer." That should be a scene in a movie.

Posted by: Sheryl | May 30, 2006 02:57 PM

HA! Oh, GOOD one, MOAW. And it totally reminds me of another:

"Jesus and Harry Potter have chosen a different path for me."

-- Best reason why one cannot serve on a jury; precise explanation offered by Juror #13. Well played, Juror #13, who then got to go home.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 30, 2006 02:59 PM

"But mom! We were all out of chairs!" My daughter when asked why she sat on her now crying brother.

Posted by: Sheryl | May 30, 2006 03:00 PM

Roommate #1: "My family used to buy big pepperoni sticks...then we'd cut off chunks of it and eat them as snacks."

Roommate #2: "That's what we used to do to my dog!"


[Note: Roommate #2 meant to say *for*, not *to*. He he.]

Posted by: Cassiopeia | May 30, 2006 03:18 PM

"Meet my friend Gypsy; she's the antichrist."

-- Best introduction at a party, said by my friend Ben about me.

Posted by: Gypsy | May 30, 2006 03:30 PM

"Stop at Citgo! That's exactly what I need- SIT and GO!"

Said by me to my husband upon sight of the first gas station in about a zillion miles. We were driving down some random highway in Wisconsin and I was about to pee my pants on account of the large Diet Coke I slurped down at lunch an hour ago. Ensuing laughter nearly caused me to pee my pants in spite of the glorious proximity of the Citgo terlet.

Posted by: Leah | May 30, 2006 03:45 PM

"Jesus wants a pork rind!"

- Said by my wife at a museum. We were looking at a medieval painting of the Madonna and Child with Angels (the name of the artist escapes me), and all the figures in the painting appeared to be extremely stoned. We figured they'd be getting the munchies.

WF

Posted by: Wes F. in North Adams | May 30, 2006 03:50 PM

"Yeah, I tapped that ass."

Said by yours truly whilst watching an incredibly cheesy commercial for a Broadway show starring a man 20 years my senior who I did, in fact, have sex with. When this comment was met with horrified hysterical laughter from my friends, I followed with...

"Hey. Mistakes were made."

Which will be the title of my autobiography.

Posted by: missbanshee | May 30, 2006 03:54 PM

Kinda like the exlax comment...
"That muffin had a crapload of fibre"
- my friend Ryan, during a discussion of breakfast foods.

Posted by: Heather | May 30, 2006 04:03 PM

"I wasn't rolling my eyes. I just looked at the wall, then the ceiling, then the other wall."

--my then 10 yr old daughter whose 4th grade teacher had the nerve to accuse her of having an attitude problem one day right before the alleged eye rolling incident. She's 12 now and still denies rolling her eyes at the teacher that day.

Posted by: ishouldbeworking | May 30, 2006 04:09 PM

"Because we're hot"!

- in response to the question of how our bar bill was so low after consuming at least 5 drinks each, said loudly and in the ear of the person next to you that you probably slobbered on too. It has now become our favorite response to just about anything and was kindly put in our wedding book just 2 weeks ago (at which we were looking very hot)

Posted by: tag | May 30, 2006 04:38 PM

"So do bras, like, squish them?"

- said by a male friend in reference to, well, I think that you know.

Posted by: Stephanie B. | May 30, 2006 04:45 PM

At 4:00 AM on the way to the airport for a post-college-graduation European backpacking trip, my best girlfriends and I stopped at a 7-11 to juice up on caffeine. When one began to chat up the middle-eastern cashier in mentioning that we were going to Europe, he asked "which country?" To which she replied with the straightest face and a shrug of the shoulder:

"All of them."

Posted by: Ashley | May 30, 2006 05:09 PM

My son's response to me pointing out that he was stark nekkid in the foyer of our house.

"I'm not naked! I'm just being friendly."

Lock up your daughters.

Posted by: Julie | May 30, 2006 05:18 PM

"He can't just split himself like an amoeba and drive both cars."

- My husband's response to my question of why he had to meet his dad to take his mom's car to the auto repair shop. My question was why does HE have to do it when his sister lives 2 minutes from his parent's house and we lived 30 minutes away at the time, but he didn't get the emphasis on the HE. Missing from this whole re-enactment is the physical comedy part where he ran a hand vertically down himself (much like a slicing knife), then did this little amoeba jiggle (I guess they jiggle) and finished with moving his hands like he was steering a car. I think I laughed for a full 45 minutes straight and it still makes me snort just thinking about it.

Posted by: Annegirrl | May 30, 2006 05:23 PM

"I don't know. I quit paying attention."

Said to me by my friend Becky as we were discussing ADD. I asked, "Wait, don't they call it ADHD now?" (I actually do know the difference between the two now, but I totally thought they were the same thing at the time.)

Posted by: evier | May 30, 2006 05:26 PM

My husband's response when I discovered that he was about to leave to go camping with friends, leaving me home to look after the dog and wait for the cable repairman:

Me: "You didn't tell me you were going camping!"

He: "Yes I did!"

Me: "When?"

He: "Now."

Posted by: Gretchen | May 30, 2006 05:27 PM

I love the hat. Also - I particularly liked the Enron one - I worked for them for three years. Thank god I didn't have stock when they went under!

Posted by: Heather | May 30, 2006 05:32 PM

"No, and I don't think I want to - I think I've been called a cocksucker one time too many this week"

Question: "Have you seen Martine lately?"

- French friend Martine stopped me in front of the dorm and asked if I could explain the term 'cocksucker'. She was completely serious and I fumbled out an explanation, and she nodded gravely. I didn't see her again for several days.

Posted by: steve | May 30, 2006 05:36 PM

During a happy hour conversation...

friend's girlfriend: Well, you'll need some brick dust for protection.
me: What?
friend: Have you seen The Skeleton Key?
me: No.
friend: Well, brick dust in the doorway was supposed to ward off evil.
me: My house is made of brick, can I just assume there is dust?
friend's girlfriend: I think it has to be visible
me: Well, what if I just put up a sign that says "I've got brick dust, bitches!"

I don't know if that is funny to anyone who wasn't at that table, but we all laughed.

Posted by: melissa | May 30, 2006 05:37 PM

My husband was writing a paper for a class and asked me to proofread. It included this gem which I've saved to my computer and read when I need a laugh. I've edited it down so you don't have to read his entire paper:

"...This in turn created a snowball effect of inventory buildup... By implementing a system that will share accurate data across all areas of the supply chain I feel that the inventory snowballs can be avoided."

Inventory snowballs. hahahaha!

Posted by: Corey | May 30, 2006 05:44 PM

HA! Y'all, these are all awesome. This list is going to rock my world.

Naturally, I thought of two more, but I know there are a million just hiding beyond my reach; maybe if I drink, they will come out (ooo! There's an idea!):

"Dude, she was WAY hotter on MySpace."

-- Best totally serious statement overheard at crappy bar; uttered by completely befuddled college kid, who just couldn't imagine why that would BE.

"Maybe they're taking him to Boston?"

-- Best post-24-finale comment, as viewers watched Kiefer being (SPOLIER ALERT Y'ALL CRAZY PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET) hogtied, tortured and shipped off on a boat by the Chinese embassy bad guys; if the context clues were not enough, Fox also decided to go ahead and plaster SHAGHAI! across the stern of the damn boat, thereby maximizing available idiom use by first Shanghai-ing Jack, and then tossing him on a slow boat to China. Where, presumably, he will be forced to read the writing on the wall or to count his chickens before they hatch while looking a gift horse in the mouth for the duration of the season. Or at least until the cows come home.

I kind of got off the subject there, but anyway, we totally think he's going to Boston.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 30, 2006 06:05 PM

"No, but it's fun to get."

Question 50, true or false test, 8th grade health class: "VD is fun to have."

3 days in detention, totally worth it.

Posted by: Steve | May 30, 2006 06:15 PM

Said at happy hour, by my girlfriend, "I think I will give the heffer weezen a try."

I snorted and replied, "Do you mean Hefeweizen? It's beer, not an asthmatic cow!"

This is the first and last great comeback of my life. And it was not so great.

I am quick and funny, but never at the same time.

Posted by: fluttergirl | May 30, 2006 06:23 PM

my son coming home one day from school and asking me "Are we Jewish or Christish?"

Posted by: Barbi | May 30, 2006 06:30 PM

It doesn't condense well into a line, but a couple of days ago I was bathing my daughter and she burst out singing "poopy butthead, poopy butthead, poopy butthead" at the top of her lungs. I informed her that we don't use language like that and she fixed me with a steely glare and informed me that her teacher "told us that was a bathroom word." We were in the bathroom, ergo it's OK.

I think she's going to be a lawyer.

My husband is the king of the malaprop. "It's two of one and half a dozen of the other."

Posted by: liz | May 30, 2006 06:45 PM

"It's like self-serve...but your self doesn't serve."

My wife, when asked to describe a "mini-serve" gas station.

Posted by: Matt | May 30, 2006 07:06 PM

I have two, and they're both from my mom.

1) "It's dark as Jesus in here!"

- My mom and I were sharing the guest room at my (very) Catholic grandmother's house. I was already in bed. Apparently the last thing my mom saw before she turned off the light was the ginormous crucifix hanging on the wall, because she meant the southern-ism "dark as Egypt", but she accidentally said Jesus.

Then she tried to cover for it with, "Well, he was Middle Eastern, so he was probably pretty dark!" Yeah, nice try, Mom.


2) "But... but, wait!"

- said by my mother as the auto-flush on a public toilet whisked away her seat cover before she had a chance to sit down and use the toilet. Made even funnier by hysterical exhaustion (we had been driving for about 15 hours that day).

Posted by: poobou | May 30, 2006 07:25 PM

"You're so pretty! You look exactly like my ex-wife, only she had blonde hair. You're so pretty and I haven't said that to anyone since my divorce."

Honest to God pickup line said with complete sincerity.

"I don't think she gave it to you."
Best response to text message from above Don Juan when he text messaged my friend saying he lost my number.

Posted by: JP | May 30, 2006 07:35 PM

"MOMMY! That boy has a WOODY!"

This (loudly) in a crowded movie theater lobby from my 3 year old after having watched Toy Story too many times when she saw a kid with a Woody doll.

Posted by: MichelleB | May 30, 2006 07:37 PM

"I'm NOT sober!"

-Best, (but not wisest), response to an officer of the law by a roommate's friend when asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?"

Posted by: Serenity | May 30, 2006 08:13 PM

My best friend over the loudspeaker at the local batting cages, where she worked in high school:

"Attention to the man in Batting Cage #5! Batting Helmets must be worn at all times! Sir, if you continue to bat without a helmet, your balls will be cut off!"

Posted by: Vaguely Urban | May 30, 2006 08:16 PM

"Sweetie, I think that boy's half a bubble off."

Said by my father when I asked what he thought of a boy I dated in college. He's referring to a level. (I had no idea about levels--I've never built anything. When he explained it to me, I laughed my ass off and broke up with the guy.)

Posted by: shaxgirl | May 30, 2006 08:22 PM

My dachsie wants Bo to know she will be his loveslave anytime .......

She thinks he is just the smartest dog around.

Aggie just loves that Bo!

Posted by: Aggie's caretaker | May 30, 2006 09:55 PM

Said out-of-the blue and with wide-eyed sincerity by Ashton, a seven-year-old boy, to a group of his parents' neighbors:

"My dad used to be married to someone else, and then he got divorced and started smoking."

Posted by: BaddMinton | May 30, 2006 09:58 PM

"I need a tall glass of sober."
-My boyfriend, slumped in a chair at a college frat party, after consuming a copious amount of jungle juice.

Posted by: Cat | May 30, 2006 10:04 PM

"I'm going to eat the baby."

-- A friend's five-year-old niece, when her turn came in a series of children being asked by their grandmother, "Are you excited about the baby?" in re: her new sibling.

Posted by: DC | May 30, 2006 10:29 PM

Best comment my four-year old son said when he saw his adored older cousin's new Ford pickup truck:

"When I grow up, I'm going to get a Fived."

Posted by: Cori | May 30, 2006 10:38 PM

"I can get the other three."

--Best follow-up to a cheek-kiss. Two male friends were messing around when Friend A kissed Friend B's cheek with a loud smack. Cue the following exchange:

Friend B (sarcastically): I'll never wash this cheek again.
Friend A: I can get the other three.

Posted by: Cass | May 30, 2006 10:54 PM

"Honestly, Jonna, did you have to take the Lord's name in vain?"

-said in all honest sincerity by my born-again mother after I heatedly told her of an acquaintance's transgression. I believe I said, "I mean, JESUS CHRIST, Mom, she can go FUCK HERSELF, the fucking whorebag. What a total FUCKING GIANT BITCH. FUCK ME. Can you believe she did that?"

Posted by: jonniker | May 30, 2006 11:35 PM

The Scene: a Yankee Candle shop around Christmas time. I held out a jar of something called "Home For The Holidays" to my friend to take a sniff.

Friend: Smells like rage.

Me: and disapointment!

Posted by: Jamie | May 30, 2006 11:56 PM

Me, sending my two students out to recess: "Go, go, go, get on your merry way!"
Student, truly outraged: "We're not MARRIED!"

Posted by: European | May 31, 2006 12:37 AM

"I'm saving it for when Daddy gets home"

Said by my then 4 year old daughter upon seeing her farting into my laundry bucket.


"You look like Rick Moranis"

Said to my brother by me in front of the girl he was trying to impress. He deserved it for melting my barbies dammit.

"Geez mom! No one would tell you if he were ugly."

Said by aforementioned (I have always wanted to use aforementioned in a sentence. Woo-hoo!) daughter after the millionth person commented on how cute her brother was and I said "See? I'm not the only one who thinks he's cute!"

Posted by: Mrs X | May 31, 2006 01:10 AM

"You have the right to remain perfectly still!"

Remarked in drunken tones that were assumed to be inaudible to the officer across the street and the fidgety young man he was in the process of arresting - until both of them immediately froze and swung their heads around to glare at the person who said it. Oops.

Posted by: Tracy | May 31, 2006 02:33 AM

HOLY SHIT y'all are funny!!!! Miss Doxie -- great post and great idea!

My contribution is super silly. I was following my brother from California up to my Dad's house in Nevada to drop off the family truck. I had my six-year-old niece in my car (the child just wants to be near me, bless her peapickin heart!). She says to me from the back seat, "You know, the Bratz on my coloring book don't have noses, so I'm going to draw them some." I tell her that's nice, and they'll appreciate that. Then about 30 seconds later I hear from the back seat, "Hey guys, did ya hear? We're getting noses! Some nice person is going to draw them for us! Now we can smell what's cookin'!" I think I accidentally snorked up a goldfish cracker, and she so didn't get why I was laughing. Kids are so precious.

Posted by: Jessica | May 31, 2006 02:50 AM

"Can you... can you eat mermaids?"

- asked by a friend of mine, who genuinely wanted to know the answer. I think perhaps the answer is that you should avoid the head, but the tails are fair game.

Great post, Miss Doxie.

Posted by: Léonie in London | May 31, 2006 04:38 AM

I have 2...

Said matter-of-factly by my friend's then 3 year old son when asked why his toy would not work:

"Because it's a piece of crap"

Slurred by an old boyfriend after a night of drinking and partying:

"I have fried my noodle"

(and if it isn't obvious enough, in this context noodle = brain"

Posted by: FourThumbsUp | May 31, 2006 08:32 AM

"You are like the worst gay guy ever."

My response to my homosexual friend Mark telling me he had slept with a girl the week before.

Posted by: Brad | May 31, 2006 08:56 AM

"Will she bite me?"

- my then 3-year-old nephew, when gazing upon his baby sister for the very first time.

Posted by: scarlettbgonya | May 31, 2006 09:06 AM

Fish. She meant fish.

Said by Beth upon seeing some preppy kids walking around our hippie college campus:

"They're so out of place. They're like chickens out of water."

Posted by: Emily | May 31, 2006 09:15 AM

"Don't accuse US of something I didn't do!"

Said by my BFF to our gym teacher, who asked if we'd been smoking, after school while waiting for our ride. I had been sitting on the curb sneaking a cigarette when he drove up and I dropped it down the storm drain. Thankfully he wasn't the brightest guy around and just shrugged his shoulders and drove away.

Posted by: Jeneric | May 31, 2006 09:37 AM

"but i dont want to hang a haveover."
said by me the morning after my 21st birthday.

"my mouth." (said with a 100% serious face)
said in response to my boyfriend's question: what do you want on your pizza?

"like charlie sheena?"
my boyfriend and i are getting a mini doxie in about 2 weeks and for the past 6 weeks we have been thinking of names for her constantly. the onther night he asked, "what about sheena?"

miss doxie--- this is quite possibly the best site i have come accross evar. did you know that there is a link for your site in Wikipedia under "daschund"? please keep the hilarious entries coming!

Posted by: itsabecky | May 31, 2006 09:58 AM

Me - Honestly mom, it's my science experiment! I grew oregano all by myself. It is so good that I am going to get an A for sure.

Mom - it certainly smells spicy, maybe we should use it in the spaghetti sauce I am making

Actual conversation with my mother, when I was 16 and she found my baggie. I just sat at my desk laughing at the memory.

Great idea for a post Miss Doxie!

Posted by: Diane | May 31, 2006 10:05 AM

I should preface this by mentioning that both comments were made while not exactly sober.

To a very russian friend who was trying to convince me she had some german in her:

" You know what my last name is bitch? Richter and in German that means judge. So I'm the judge jury and fucking executioner and you're not german."

Talking about that same friend to another friend while also not sober " Flick the switch and bam! there's a bitch."

And to my parents when I was 17 and they found 4 bottles of liquor in my car.

Parents" What have we never had in this house"
Me" RUM! Woo!"

Posted by: Sara | May 31, 2006 10:07 AM

By a lovely, bubbly blonde RN to my 93-year-old very deaf great aunt when she complained about all the pills she has to take everyday:

"Well, I could give them to you rectally.. aw, shit, she can't hear me. UP YOUR BUTT, SHIRLEY! IN YOUR HEINIE!"

Posted by: e. | May 31, 2006 10:14 AM

oops, forgot to mention this the first time I replied...

It really looks as if you are choking Bo especially with his tongue hanging out and all.

lol!

Posted by: FourThumbsUp | May 31, 2006 10:21 AM

"It is RUDE not to refill ice trays!"

Said by my super drunk friend after a night out in which she vomited on the corner, had her hair washed by me because of said vomiting, and then needed ice water.

Posted by: Morgan | May 31, 2006 10:27 AM

(after complaint to French hostel owner that the pancake thin mattress was unacceptable:

French Hostel Owner sits down on mattress and bounces up and down a couple times: "This bed.. this bed is tremendously pumped up!"

In a French accent! Still never fails to get a laugh several years later..

Posted by: Eileen | May 31, 2006 10:34 AM

"Hey I just saw Ellen on campus and she has cut her hair really short! She's still really tall though."

- said by my friend John about our mutual friend Ellen who is 6'1".

Posted by: strawandberries | May 31, 2006 10:41 AM

"You should never judge things by their covers...especially humans and books."

Said by the 8-year-old son of a friend to his older sister.

Posted by: Dale | May 31, 2006 10:41 AM

It had been snowing for a few hours when a male co-worker, who had been looking out the window, walked by and was asked this by a female co-worker.

"Hey John, how many inches?"

There was silence for a few seconds, then we all just lost it.

Posted by: Cizzi | May 31, 2006 10:44 AM

"If I had a deep voice I would be a slut."

"Don't hate spiders. They saved Jesus or something."

"When I go to the lake at home I don't worry about fish with teeth. I worry about hippos."

"When do you know you've farted. Is it the smell or the feeling?"

- all said in the course of one summer by my friend from Malawi

Posted by: Goldar | May 31, 2006 10:47 AM

I taught English as a Foreign Language in a formerly Socialist country. While on a ski trip with my college-age students, we all got food poisening. Next day, we bravely went to the slopes anyway, carrying our t-paper with us for expected emergency use. At one point, I asked them to excuse me because, "I must." and held up my paper. (Hey, we were too sick to observe the niceties.) Later, one of my favorite people, but a poor student of English, rejoined our group after a short absence and announced, "I musted." Still kills me.

Posted by: Daffy | May 31, 2006 10:59 AM

HAAA! Oh my God. I am just dying laughing at these. Seriously, for some of these, I have had to walk away in order to catch my breath, calm down, and then they keep coming back to me. Now I cannot stop imagining someone screaming IN YOUR HEINIE! at an old person, which just cracks me up again, but really, they're all awesome. Y'all KILL me.

Anyway, this one's not as funny, but strangely effective; here's one from this past weekend:

"Look on the bright side, baby! You could have been Sean Preston!"

-- Best way to stop the three month-old from crying. Worked every time.

"YES! That's EXACTLY why my husband still has his nipples pierced!"

-- Best thing to overhear one guest say to another at your fancy cocktail party, particularly when you have absolutely no context for this statement, but both parties are nodding vigorously in agreement.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 31, 2006 11:11 AM

I just remembered a good one from my youth...

My mom, dad, little sister (she was about 3 or 4 at the time) and I were watching the Miss America pageant on TV. All of us were guessing who would win during the grand introduction march thingie at the beginning. My dad said, "I think Louisiana is going to win," and my little sister, Anna, got all huffy and pissed off in her toddler way and replied, "Yeah, well I pick Miss Louisidad".

Posted by: Leah | May 31, 2006 11:33 AM

"Good Lord! Who are we hiring now?" uttered in absolute seriousness by stout Scottish office manager (think Mrs. Doubtfire, but grumpier) whilst (whilst!) eyeing the book recommendation the Human Resources Manager had just scrawled on a Post-it and slapped on her bulletin board. The book recommendation? "Interview with a Vampire".

Posted by: melanie (aka wee) | May 31, 2006 11:40 AM

"You just have to... BE the bread pudding"
On a conference call relating to the hotel industry.
P.S. - Did you buy the soap?

Posted by: Danielle | May 31, 2006 11:43 AM

"I EAT MY POO!"

Best way to mess up a knock-knock joke when telling it to a very very hot guy. The joke is supposed to go "I eat mop" so that the other person says "I eat mop who?" and it sounds like "my poo." Unless you are so nervous around the hot guy that you inform him that you do, in fact, eat your own poo.

Posted by: msmack | May 31, 2006 11:51 AM

"What would your mother think if she heard you speaking Hebrew, after she had to cry to see Jesus this morning?"

My friend (#1) to my other friend (#2) on our disasterous vacation in Italy, during which Friend #2 was way over-using the phrase "Oy vey", which was irritating us for no reason other than that we were jetlagged and really, really tired. Earlier in the day our tickets to see DaVinci's "Last Supper" had mysteriously disappeared and Friend #1's (Catholic) mother cried so profusely at the prospect of not seeing this great work that the guards let us in anyway.

Posted by: Jennifer | May 31, 2006 11:51 AM

We have this friend from Italy who used to play in a band with some other friends of ours. 10 peice, all acoustic.

So, of course, there was always very creative arranging of musicians on the stage. Normally it was 2 rows, 5 musicians in the front and 5 in the back.

So, one night when matteo was playing we were trying to figure out where everyone would put their instruments. Matteo turns to my friend Christina and asks in his lovely Italian accent:

"Christina. How do you want me? From the front or from the back"

Posted by: Stephanie | May 31, 2006 11:58 AM

"o, those poor Feces Monkeys!"

-- distressed sister-in-law mishearing discussion about all the Rhesus monkeys who died during rocket testing missions in the early days of the space program.

Posted by: melanie (aka wee) | May 31, 2006 12:05 PM

Same friend #1 to Friend #2, as she is offering her some hummus and pretzels:

Friend #2: No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

Friend #1 (completely serious, and a little bit offended): So?

Posted by: jennifer | May 31, 2006 12:11 PM

One time, I went home sick from work, and parked my car on a cross street one block away. The next day I stayed at home and took a sick day. [Turns out I was developing a bad case of bronchitis]. After breakfast, I went back to bed and slept for 19 hours straight, leaving me wide awake and very hungry at 3AM. While I was sitting on the sofa eating cereal and watching cartoons, there was a knock at the door of my studio apartment. When I opened the door, a police officer stood there and we had the following exchange.

Officer: [Very stern] Young lady, do you know where your car is parked?
Me: Um, evidently not.

The officer laughed and then told me that my car was banged up and parked diagonally across an intersection. Since I had not been the drunk driver, it had either been taken for a joyride or knocked into the intersection by a drunk driver.

Posted by: Debi | May 31, 2006 12:36 PM

I have an openly gay employee that works for me named Doug. He was asking for some time off work a while back and he said this to me:

“I need the day off after my colonoscopy to recuperate…”

He often calls off on Mondays. I think he may want to look into a different lifestyle.

Posted by: Scott | May 31, 2006 01:09 PM

From a very drunk girl who sat next to me and my friends in a very crowded bar and thus, was crowding us after she said various explitives to me when I simply asked her and her friends not to be so rude..

drunk: Why do you have to be a bitch?
me: You keep saying that so often and it's going to start sounding like a compliment. Really, you have to have more vocabulary.j

After she huffed away drunkenly, her boyfriend, still in shock over the scene had to say something:

boyfriend of drunk: You know, she's the nicest person I know.
me: Well then you don't know many people.

After that - they moved and started throwing wet napkins and ice at our table. I got their asses kicked out of the bar so fast it was hilarious.. til one of their other friends came and threw her drink on me. But hey, it's a good story.

Posted by: Angel | May 31, 2006 01:09 PM

"Her hair is de-lighted."

~Said to me by an Austrian friend as she tried to describe in her broken English a woman on the television...a woman who's hair was actually on fire. I thought her phrasing was fucking adorable. I mean, I'd rather be delighted than torched, right? Right.

Posted by: Julia | May 31, 2006 01:26 PM

Oh golly, I totally forgot this gem.. This is a mere snippet from a wholly amazing e-mail sent out to my entire office annoucing some changes in our Operations Department.

"The new Reproduction Specialist will be working with Cornelius as we transition to the new model and assist in setting up several new Operations “toys” as we affectionately call our equipment. Cee is already busy rearranging and prepping the area."

They, um, changed that job title to Reprographic Specialist.

Posted by: e. | May 31, 2006 01:50 PM

Ooo! Just remembered one from when I was just a little Doxie:

"I should not be scared of the janitor's closet, because that is not where the janitor lives."

-- Best message to discover, carefully and repeatedly written, on a page of your 1st grade composition notebook.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 31, 2006 02:22 PM

"Is that a whiteboard-marker in your pocket, Mr A, or are you just happy to see us?"

TOTALLY inappropriate comment I made to a teacher (who used to put whiteboard markes in his jean pockets) during a history lesson in high school once. Thank God he had a sense of humour :)

Posted by: Anna | May 31, 2006 02:34 PM

One lovely evening my husband and I were taking a walk together in our quiet little neighborhood. All the sudden we heard what sounded like a very large and unhappy dog barking at us. At the sound of the fierce barking my husband,who does not do well with large mean barking dogs,turns, shoves me and takes off running. After he realizes that the dog is safely behind a fence he stopped running. I was still in shock and asked him what the hell that was for. He simply stated "I don't have to outrun the dog. I just have to outrun you!"
That's love!

Posted by: Kelly | May 31, 2006 02:55 PM

My best friend and her mom are at the beach on their vacation. The weather was terrible and the tornado siren starts to go off. The friend runs around the house looking for her Mom and finds her in front of the closet.

Friend: "What are you doing?"

Mom: "I don't know what to wear."

Friend: "PANTS!"

Posted by: Sarah | May 31, 2006 02:57 PM

"Do you spell 'peace of mind' like 'piece of cake' or 'war and peace'?"
- said by my boss. Unfortunately, this is not the worst transgression.

"I'm going home. I think I have gas."
- same boss, said just now as I was typing this. Goes into the TMI files.

"I suppose you drink alcohol and take drugs and have sexual intercourse, too...."
- said tearfully by my (waaaay over-reacting) sister when she saw me smoke a cigarette. I was 20. She was 17. Yes, she needed a life. Unfortunately, she didn't so much ever get one. (btw - she was right about the drugs, alcohol and sex.)

Posted by: Amy | May 31, 2006 03:44 PM

My six year old sister watching Star Wars:
"That man Darth Vader, is he a Goth?"


Me at age age 4 or so in the local shop with my Mum:
Man at counter to me: "Hello there, how are you?"
Me: "I have squirty diarrhea"

My step brother aged 9 in the supermarket with his Mum:
"So, I get condoms, but why do they have them in different flavours?"
His Mum totally straight faced: "Do you know draling, I have no idea, but if I ever get to the bottom of it I will tell you immediatly."

Posted by: Littoral | May 31, 2006 03:47 PM

Ok, this is totally inappropriate, but the funniest think I've heard in a long time:

"Daddy, this is fucking bullshit"

Said by my roommate's 2 1/2 year old daughter to her father on the phone one night. No, she didn't really know what she said - that's what makes it funny. Luckily she has only done it the one time.

Posted by: lisal | May 31, 2006 03:53 PM

ok - let me set the scene -- my brother and my stupid but oh so pretty boyfriend and myself, sitting in the parking lot of Food Lion rolling a joint.

Next door is a bank. There is a median in the road separating the bank parking lot from the Food Lion. Nice city police officer man is cruising the bank parking lot. Wondering how quickly the cop could reach us, and if it was even logistically possible for him to come in our direction from the bank (because of the MEDIAN!) I say, "Can you turn left out of that bank?"

Pretty boyfriend, pausing between licking the paper -- "Sure, you can turn left out of any bank."

My goodness. Did I mention he was pretty???

Posted by: Amy | May 31, 2006 04:04 PM

Scene inside bathroom of nightclub. My friend Liz (Very tall and very athletic) exits the stall first and starts washing her hands. Meanwhile, I'm hearing all this yelling by some random drunk girl screaming obscenities. I come out of the stall and see this 90 lb 5-foot-nothing girl pressed up against Liz's side calling her names and asking her if she wanted to fight. I said to Liz, "What's her problem?" and as Liz leisurely dried off her hands she replied, "Apparently she doesn't like the way I wash my hands".

Posted by: Shano | May 31, 2006 04:08 PM

"Bar's on fire"

Said completely deadpan by my friend Meghan as she sipped her beer.

We had a drunken pyro lighting napkins on fire at the end of the bar and I suddenly had a stumbling block on speech and was frantically pointing and gesturing in frustration before she finally noticed and made that classic observation.

Another was my sister pitifully saying to anyone who would listen after she threw up from too much alcohol that "I can't throw up."

Just kept saying it.

Her roommate came along...didn't realize she had already done the deed and said "Hell, it's easy...I'll show you" promptly showed her how to throw up.

My sister's response "Well, I already did THAT."

Posted by: KSR | May 31, 2006 04:15 PM

I would wait weeks and weeks for another entry this funny. You are the best.

P.S. That is not permission to makes us wait weeks and weeks again.

Posted by: Polichick | May 31, 2006 04:16 PM

"I can't go. We don't have any cookies"

-- My stepsister's response to why she shouldn't have to go to Sunday school.

Posted by: Shoejunkie | May 31, 2006 05:01 PM

One day a little girl of my acquaintance was watching her father curse as he sprayed pesticide on snails. The next day she took her mother by the hand, pointed, and said, "Look, mommy! Little fuckers!"

Posted by: Hubbard | May 31, 2006 05:16 PM

"Doesn't it hurt when you take it off?"

Sincere and concerned comment from my (now ex-) boyfriend to me after watching a commercial for stick-on panty liners.

Posted by: Heidi S. | May 31, 2006 05:26 PM

"I'm sweating my balls off!"

Said by my (then) 4 year old DAUGHTER as soon as she came inside after running around outside with her friends on a hot summer day.

"If we don't get some support soon, they're gonna think we're balls"

Said by my 16 year old daughter after setting up a joke (What did one boob say to the other?) - punch line was SUPPOSED to be "they're gonna think we're nuts!). Unfortunately, she has inherited my gene for totally messing up punch lines.

"Why doesn't she use her husband?!?"

Said by my daughter's friend after finding her aunt's "toy" in the bedside drawer.

Posted by: Sandy | May 31, 2006 05:52 PM

Haaaaaaaa! Best. Comments. Ever.

Hmmm... here are a few

"Where's Mama Shortlegs?"
Sincere query of one of my friends, age four, after being told a spider was called a "Daddy Longlegs".

This one is rapidly becoming a funny/way to make fun of peoples' idiot comments:

"Its ok, I'm from New York" - In lieu of an apology, offer of cash or insurance, said by the woman who backed into my Xterra yesterday.

This exchange always got me:
Little girl: "Daddy, you're so damn ugly"
Dad: "Honey, you can't say that, its rude!"
LG: "Daddy, you're so damn cute."

More when I think of them. Can I link to this post? Hysterical!

Posted by: Meepers | May 31, 2006 07:12 PM

"If I looked like those girls I would be such a slut."

Said by my friend Jane after watching the movie "Coyote Ugly".

Posted by: Charlene | May 31, 2006 07:33 PM

"How do you fold it to put it away in your pants?"

Said to my now fiance, after we had had sex for the first time.

No it wasn't that huge...

I just didn't know how men put it away with out squishing it. Lets call it nievety on my part...

OK ..

I admit it

I was just too stupid at the time... no excuse.

Posted by: Jennifer | May 31, 2006 09:23 PM

We had gone to a friends house to hang out and He was renowed for being a tight-arse with his money. I looked in the fridge and saw a burnt pizza and questioned him about why it was sitting there looking all nasty.

Him: "I forgot about it last night and it got burnt so I just put it in the fridge"

Me: "What, did you think it would be less burnt in the morning?"

Everytime I think about that moment I cry with laughter. His face said it all... he HAD been hoping it would be edible in the morning.

Posted by: Lauren | May 31, 2006 09:55 PM

Went to a big retrospective on abstract art at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. Two old ladies were walking along looking at some of wilder pieces, and this exchange took place:

#1: "I don't get it. Is this a face? Where is the nose? Is this an eye?"
#2: "This is one artist who would have benefited from dying young."

Posted by: Veronica | May 31, 2006 10:01 PM

"they totally ripped you off! they ripped your ASS OFF! and then ripped you a NEW ASS HOLE!"

male coworker #1 to male coworker #2 after #2 told us how much he was (over)charged for his cell phone.

Posted by: amy | May 31, 2006 10:06 PM

I have two great comments:

1. "No, I'm too young to settle down with just one girl."
-Said by my 8-year-old nephew when I asked if his female friend was his girlfriend.

2. "Why? Are the British coming?"
-Said by me to the Revolutionary War Minuteman knocking on my door when he asked me to move my car off the street. Apparently there was a Memorial Day parade coming through.

P.S. Bo is so adorable in that picture. Although, I'm a little worried that you may be strangling him.

Posted by: A-May | May 31, 2006 10:56 PM

A friend and I were at a Yankee Candle shop, sniffing and mocking the different flavors when this happened:

Me: "Wedding Day" what's that supposed to smell like?

Her: Sweaty people.

Posted by: Sally | May 31, 2006 11:08 PM

This one is from my neice (but caused by my mom). My sister went to the bank one day and took her daughter with her. The ladies at the bank usually have candy, but didn't that day, and sweet, little, four-year-old Tasha said:

"Damn it, I really wanted some candy."

One of my other neices came home from her first day of kindergarten and said she had two friends. My sister asked what their names were and this happened:

Lily: Hmm. I don't know. The first one I will call Eyeball Machine and the second one I will call Nosepicker.

My sister: Um...and does...Nosepicker...pick her nose?

Lily: No.

Recently Lily has named herself Looloo Fishy-Pie.

Posted by: Sally | May 31, 2006 11:18 PM

I am a lurker here, but now I must comment.

I have a four year old daughter and a five year old son. I cut their hair myself, because I am cheap.

Anyway, one day, I am trimming their hair.

Daughter: Mom, what are you doing?

Me: Cutting your bangs. Hold still.

Son: Do I have bangs?

Me: No.

Daughter, staunchly: Only GIRLS have bangs.

Son: Oh. I get it. Girls have bangs and boys have testicles.


PS - I love you, Miss Doxie. And I love Bo, too. He is so cute and angry. Cute and angry is the best combination ever.

Posted by: Zombie | May 31, 2006 11:47 PM

"After reading the article you assigned us to read, I wish I could go back in time and tell the author to go ahead and end it in order to spare me an hour of wanting to scream with boredom."

What I said to my professor in class one day.

Posted by: KSR | June 1, 2006 12:19 AM

"It makes me think that fleas are winning the battle."

- said by my friend after hearing that my cat, like many cats, is allergic to fleas.

Posted by: Stephanie B. | June 1, 2006 12:41 AM

"Well, ain't that some shit?"


-Best thing to say when you've just been handed a shovel and told to go to work on the huge piles of poo that have accumulated in and around the horse barn.

Runner-up statements include:
"Holy shit."
"Shit in one hand and wish in another and see which one fills up first."
"Who da shit?? You da shit."
"Man, this has been the shitiest day of my life."

Posted by: BB | June 1, 2006 12:44 AM

Oh, thought of another one!

"I can't say that, it's a dirty word."

- Best reason that my 4 year old Sunday school student gave me for not being able to recite the books of the Bible. Cause you know what comes after Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus?? That's right, it's Doo-Dooronemy!!

Posted by: BB | June 1, 2006 12:48 AM

"If I were a wrestler, my name would be Cocoa Butta Beans. And I'd have a mullet."

- Best comment that looks like it was taken out of context but wasn't, because it came out of NOWHERE.

A little background on this one - there was a song that was pretty popular a few years ago called 'I hope you dance', which was well known to everyone involved in this exchange:

Roommate 1: "I hope you..."
Roommate 2: "DIE!"

- Best response to a clue while playing a game of Catchphrase.

Posted by: Jenn | June 1, 2006 06:51 AM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Co-worker in front of a client: I remember one summer I was working in my yard and it was so hot and I didn't drink anything and I got emancipated - it really scared me!

Client and myself: Really ??!!??

(Added context to this statement: my co-worker is 40’s African-American woman)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Another time my co-worker came to North Carolina on business. Over the weekend she took a side trip to the Outer Banks. Upon her return I asked her what it was like.

Her: "It was a beautiful uninhibited island."
Me: "An "uninhibited" island? What's that?"
Her: "Oh you know, there were no cars are allowed on it and no one can live there and there's no electricity, and you can only get to it by taking the ferry!"
Me (because I'm a bitch): "Ummm that would be UNINHABITED - "Uninhibited" would mean people were walking around with no clothes on!"
Her with horror on her face: "Oh no, you have to wear clothes!"

Posted by: Mit Moi | June 1, 2006 08:36 AM

My university educated brother answering MY telephone: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello, I'm calling today to ask whether you subscribe to the [local newspaper].

Bro: No, I don't.

Telemarketer: Oh, would you be interested in subscribing?

Bro: No.

Telemarketer: May I ask why not?

Bro: Uhhh....I don't read so good.

*************************************************

On the upside, they never did call back...

Posted by: J | June 1, 2006 09:18 AM

"My father is a pervert and a degenerate and he jumps my mother's bones."

Said by a five-year old me to our new neighbors who invited us over for coffee and cake as a welcome-to-the-neighborhood, in response to the question "What does your daddy do?" Apparently, I was supposed to say police officer.

(After that, my parents learned to keep their teasing banter a little more low key)

Posted by: Kittty121 | June 1, 2006 09:20 AM

Said by my nephew when he knocked over a jar of paint in his 1st grade art class: "Fuck!"

To which the teacher said: "Will! Where did you learn that word?!"

Will: "I made it up!"

**************************************************

My all time favorite quotes are when you realize that you have created a sentence that may have never been uttered before in the English language. Or any language for that matter. To wit:

"The pig and the beer cannot be in the same canoe".

This was the directive from a friend of ours as we were setting up for a 4th of July BBQ, We were icing down beer in a canoe (don't ask), and then also needed a place to put a pig to be roasted while he was seasoned.

Posted by: Dawn | June 1, 2006 09:38 AM

Spoken to me 10 minutes ago:

"Slow down, I'm writing this in spit."

Spoken by co-worker who had asked me for a phone number.

Posted by: cheryl | June 1, 2006 10:07 AM

My dad has a business at home and we get a ton of wrong numbers because our 800 number is very similar to that of the AC Sands casino. These are the funniest.

Me: Good morning .

Her: Yes, what do you have for entertainment this week?

Me: Well, um, Shiela's here every night.

Her: Oh, great!

Note: Shiela is our dog.

*

This was towards the end of the day, when my dad is fed up with all the people wanting to gamble at our house. Someone called wanting to reserve a room.

Him: Okay, you're all set.

Her: Don't you need my credit card number or something?

Him: Nope we have caller ID and we get all of that information.

Her: Oh...okay!

Didn't she find that at all...you know...creepy?

Posted by: Sally | June 1, 2006 10:35 AM

The chicken pox were going around, and it got to the point where my friend and I were deliberately exposing our kids in order for them to get it and have it be over with. One day she noticed a few promising red spots on her daughter. I called her the next day.

Me: So, how's Macy this morning? Does she have it?

Elizabeth: No, false alarm, dammit. It was a faux pox.

Posted by: Peggasus | June 1, 2006 10:40 AM

When my friend's 2 1/2 year old son was potty training, he was constantly telling everyone that he was a boy and he had a penis. One day I said, "That's right! What do girls have?"

He stopped, confused. Suddenly his face brightend and he exclaimed, "A Hair!"

Posted by: Celeste | June 1, 2006 11:12 AM

"Poor baby, suffers so."

Best response to an awkward situation when you're a three-year-old (me) sitting on the lap of U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond in his office in the Capitol, surrounded by his staffers.

(No, seriously, it DID happen.)

Posted by: Peyton | June 1, 2006 11:20 AM

My daughter: Mom, I need to call Nate (her brother who is in the Army) to find out how to hook up the Playstation. We want to play DDR.

Me: He's in the field sweetie. You won't be able to reach him.

Her: Oh.

Me: He's incommunicado.

Her: Where's that?

Me: Snorting coffee out my nose.

Posted by: Contrary | June 1, 2006 11:32 AM

People, if I had known you could get away with making an entry like this, I would have done had one full of nothing but Doxie quotes. My two favorites:

"For the love of GOD, IT IS FIFTY CENTS, SELL SOME PLATELETS!"

And this:

"I'm going to have a little more wine now, because if I'm going to be uncomfortably fingered by a stranger, I might as well be drunk."
-said before a doctors appointment.

Posted by: Robyn | June 1, 2006 11:34 AM

A co-worker made the mistake of leaving his computer on and logged in when he left the office. He had been corresponding with a girl for a few weeks and had suggested meeting for drinks. She had just declined, citing a prior engagement. The entire response to that latest email, sent generously on his behalf from his still-logged-in computer:


"But I love you."

Posted by: Jenny | June 1, 2006 11:47 AM

"Blow me Momma!"

Said by my then 2 yo son when playing a game. I'd duck down by the couch armrest with him on the other side. We'd pop up and I'd blow into his face. After about half an hour I was tired of this game, not to mention hypervenilating. I did'nt look at him the next time he popped up so that's what he said to me. I literally fell off the couch laughing!

Posted by: Beth | June 1, 2006 12:09 PM

"...so I guess you could say I'm full of smit."

Said to me by my then-boyfriend (now husband), following my amusement at his observation that I have a "very symmetrical skull."

"Wow," I said, "I...don't believe that anyone has ever told me that before."

"Well," he replied, "they say that a man smitten notices everything..." and then he uttered the aforementioned phrase. It cracked me up then, and it still does every time I think about it.

Seriously. He makes me laugh every day AND he thinks I have a beautiful skull. How could I NOT marry him? :)

Posted by: LSR | June 1, 2006 12:26 PM

"Son-of-a-Nutcracker!"

-Said to me by my then 4 year old cousin (who had watched the movie 'Elf' about a gajillion times) after the water balloon we were playing catch with slipped through his hands and landed squarely in his crotch.

Posted by: GMA | June 1, 2006 01:50 PM

“If I could get up, do you think I’d be laying in this shit?”

After a long day of rugby, then a tour of the downtown “Bermuda Triangle” - Said by an intoxicated friend who was laying in the gutter passed out behind the car. In response to a police officer who had nudged him from unconsciousness and asked “Son, can you please get up from there?” That earned him a trip to the drunk tank. Also earned the friend passed out in the car the same ride. Why make two trips? The third friend was walking past, from one bar to another, and pretended he didn’t know either of them, even though it was his car.

Posted by: mhenretty | June 1, 2006 02:14 PM

"I'm not supposed to drink because I'm on lots of meds."

Something I wish I had not heard on a date...

Followed by: "Yeah, I'm on Prosac, Lithium, and a shitload of Ritalin."

Then trying to change the subject I asked: "So you graduated from highschool at age 15, that's impressive, how did that happen?"

He responded with: "Well, I committed two felonies when I was 15 and the state decided I was a bored genius so instead of serving time, they sent me to college to study biochemical engineering."

And the date only got worse...followed by descriptions of his sexual fantasies(his boss on her desk) and asking if he could share his "creative writing" with me.

After sharing all sorts of other tidbits like "I lost my virginity in my mother's car." (prostitute?) He said: "Just a warning, I may try to kiss you later."

I responded "No worries, I'll just punch you."

After that...he still tried to come home with me. I said I had to go to the bathroom and then disappeared into the night.

Posted by: KSR | June 1, 2006 02:33 PM

Response to when my brother asked his 4 year old son what he wanted to do when he grew up:

"Play at the playground behind Target."

Brother: "Ok, but where do you want to work?"

"At Target."

Posted by: Chollyson | June 1, 2006 02:34 PM

My sister was going on and on about all the reasons she hated Nadia from TV's Alias. She kept getting more heated as she went on, detailing how annoyed she was that Nadia was even on the show. After she saw the surprised expression on my face, she stopped and said:

"Maybe I just hate Nadia."

We laughed till we cried.

Posted by: Chollyson | June 1, 2006 02:40 PM

"Help me look for them! They're called Moo-Moo Slims."

-I said this to my boyfriend in the grocery store. I was trying to find Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, which a friend had recommended to me. Apparently I had forgotten the exact name, but I had the right idea! I didn't think he'd ever stop laughing at me...

Posted by: Kim | June 1, 2006 02:43 PM

During a drunken conversation with an old friend from high school:

Me: Hey nerd.

Dirk (Friend): Hey. Who is your friend? (said while pointing to a monster of a zit on my forehead.)

Later on and drunker on...

Dirk: But, I'm telling you that I'm not gay.

Me: Dirk, please, you couldn't be more gay if your name was.....Dirk.

Posted by: Chollyson | June 1, 2006 02:52 PM

My husband and I were hosting Thanksgiving dinner last year and invited his very Catholic aunt and two young cousins.

Upon discovering that he had burnt the rolls, my husband yelled out "Jesus Christ!" When he turned to see the horror on his aunt's and cousin's faces, he calmly said, "...is my savior."

Posted by: Corey | June 1, 2006 02:53 PM

coworker: it's just beans and water. i've seen the discovery channel show about the nomads and thats all they be eating- beans and water.

best excuse to drink another cup of coffee for lunch.

Posted by: citygal | June 1, 2006 02:59 PM

"I saw you lookin' at my anklet."

Said to me while I was waiting outside the bathroom for my sister at Disneyland by a little girl on a nearby bench. I could not stop laughing.

True testament to what a woman will say to receive compliments.

Posted by: Chollyson | June 1, 2006 03:06 PM

I have never enjoyed comments so much in my damn life. Y'all are killing me!

Posted by: Robyn | June 1, 2006 03:12 PM

"Turn around hair!"

Yelled at an old lady with unfornuate blue hair by my sister. This lady kept throwing disapproving glances at our loud, large dinner party.

"I look like Gaston."

Said by my friend's large headed sister after putting her hair up in a ponytail.

Posted by: Chollyson | June 1, 2006 03:24 PM

"She is like the sumpreme bitch of the United States."

Said by a friend while complaining about a co-worker.

Posted by: Chollyson | June 1, 2006 03:25 PM

I love the one you said to the cops when you broke down. It had to be classic. cops have no sense of humor on the job. I work with many...they only laugh at ya, never with ya.

Posted by: KaraMia | June 1, 2006 03:37 PM

"can't you read, you fucking idiot?"

--best retort by sister to sister's best friend, while standing in line to get into a bar in a college town, and said friend is attempting to find evidence on the back of her license that she can drive a school bus, when in fact the license reads "class d: small vehicle less than 26,001 lbs, EXCEPT school bus."

"you don't know me."

--best retort by sister to bar bouncer, who, upon hearing above comment, asks, "why you gotta be so mean to such a pretty girl?" must be said while simultaneously snatching license from bouncer's hand and walking haughtily into bar.

Posted by: kate.d. | June 1, 2006 04:05 PM

my sister: sarah, i like to poop. it feels GOOD!

me: (dying of shame) that's great, frances!

an interchange between me during those awful middle school years when things are so damn embarassing, and my then 4 year old sister. we were in the bathroom at the mall and she wanted to go into a stall all by herself. i was waiting outside with a ton of people behind me in line when she yelled out that mortifying little gem.

Posted by: Sarah | June 1, 2006 04:22 PM

Seriously. Best comments ever. This is way better than TV.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | June 1, 2006 04:31 PM

"Oh, Hell. It's you."

What my father thought the bank teller said to him through the speaker.

"Oh, hello. How are you?"

What the rest of us heard.

Posted by: Katie | June 1, 2006 04:38 PM

Picture this, my husband and I were at one table in a diner, there was a family at another table and a group of 4 guys (one guy wearing a whole get up of civilian bought camouflage from head to toe, complete with his hate, jacket, pants and combat boots, but clearly was not authentic military issued) at another table. The family was the first to finish. The mother got up with the son in his ice hockey uniform and as they passed by the table of the 4 guys the mother stops in her tracks places her hand on the guy's shoulder closest to her reach and says...

"I just wanted to thank you for all you are doing for our country in Iraq, you're doing a great job!"

And with that she exited...but wait it wouldn't be a story if there wasn't more...

So the 4 guys waited for the rest of the family to leave the diner and once the father had paid and exited, the guys burst out hysterically laughing and say...

Guy #1: Man it was rough over there!
Guy #2: Yeah thank God we're home!

Posted by: PF | June 1, 2006 05:00 PM

"I TOLD Matt that was weird!"

-my girlfriend during a round of "I Never" when realizing no one else drank when the words "had sex on camera" came up.

Posted by: New Jan Brady | June 1, 2006 05:11 PM

"Can I SEE the hot dog?"

Comment by stoopid customer still remembered 17 years after I have thankfully moved on from my crappy minimum-wage tourist-trap food counter job. The lady apparently couldn't quite picture what a hot dog looks like (yes, she was as American as apple pie) and needed a refresher.

Posted by: desifink | June 1, 2006 06:14 PM

"He has a purse."

In response to the question, "Do you need a bag?" at the Seattle CD store Cellophane Square. My BF and I had just finished standing in line for about 10 minutes, listening to the two cashiers yammer on and on about how lame it is for guys to carry man-purses. Seriously, it was the most inane conversation but everyone in line was listening intently -- the in-store music volume must have been too low. I meant to say "He has a bag," which was accurate. My BF did not in fact have a purse, but by the time I'd uttered that statement the entire place was pretty much sputtering in laughter and doubled-over. The BF tried to gain back a little credibility by denying that he carried a purse, but it was too late.

Posted by: Mico | June 1, 2006 07:46 PM

My brother was in the Army and I saw him for the first time in years at a huge family reunion - he was being so polite and quiet that I wondered if he still had a sense of humor... Until he, our sister and I walked past some elder relatives, whose photo he took; as we walked away, he muttered in a taunting sing-song, "I just stole your souls!!!" Now THAT was the brother for us.

Posted by: Tracy | June 1, 2006 07:48 PM

Okay, a couple from work emails....

I work at a large research organization and I work on budgets.... I sometimes help with the documentation that supports the numbers in the budget, our "Budget Justifications."

A string of emails go out, one day while I'm home sick:

"Scott, how is the BJ coming along? If you need any help, please ask Callie." -Jennifer

"Jennifer, I should have the BJ by 8 AM." -Scott

"Scott, if you need any help with the BJ, Callie can show you how."

I DIED laughing...

Posted by: Callie | June 1, 2006 07:51 PM

"I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get balls by tomorrow afternoon."

-- Me, working out tennis arrangements for the following day with a guy I quite liked at the time. Luckily he appreciated the humor in my slip.

Posted by: Miss Porter | June 1, 2006 09:32 PM

"Praise be to aloe!"
Said by me after a sunburn went away.

Heard on a train while waiting for the bathroom:

Snack Counter Guy: "Sounds like you need a escape goat"
Woman: "I'm a single mom, I don't need no goat!"

She then went on to mention she was going to homeschool her children because the public schools were so bad.

Posted by: Kim | June 1, 2006 09:37 PM

The Scene: My parents' kitchen, early '80s
The Set-up: My mom -- walking by and looking at the television screen on which some white family has adopted a couple of black kids (not "Diff'rent Strokes," though you'd think so), says, "Where'd those black kids come from?"
The Perpetrators: My brother and I, in unison
The Line: "Aaaafricaaaaaa."

The Scene: A cheesy motel room in the Berkshires
The Set-up: My mom, reading from the Local Attractions and History brochure in the table drawer, says, "Oliver Wendell Holmes was born here."
The Perpetrators: My brother and I, looking around at the faux-wood panelling and television screwed to the table and whatnot, in unison AGAIN
The Line: "Here!?!"

The Scene: Dutch-Uncle's cabin in New Hampshire
The Set-up: Playing one of those picture games where you figure out the phrase from a series of drawings. (For instance, the word "tortilla" printed twice in a squashed-looking font = "Tortilla Flats.") In this case, an arrow + the letter A + a chicken with a just-emerged egg + the letter Z + and a river with a little boat = "Down the Lazy River"
The Perpetrator: My mom
The Line: "Up a Hen's Canoe?"

Yeah, my mom's at the heart of a lot of the Best Lines Anywhere.

Posted by: Laurabelle | June 1, 2006 10:49 PM

Delurking for the very first time to say that I love this entry! You rock so very hard.

Here's my two cents:

My fiance is teasing our three year old at dinner. Said child looks up at him, eyes narrowed, hand thrust out before him in a belligerent gesture:

"You wanna piece of me? Huh? Huh?"

Yes, we got it on video later. No, we have no idea what they are letting the kids watch at day care these days. And no, we are not from Jersey- we are from North Carolina, y'all!

Keep up the good work!

Posted by: gabby | June 1, 2006 11:38 PM

Our friends are moving from California to Colorado and are trying to talk us into moving there as well. I just learned some Spanish, so I asked:
"Do they have Mexicans in Colorado?"
- "Yes. And they are nicer."

Posted by: European | June 2, 2006 12:13 AM

The set up is actually way to long to get into here but I guess all you need to know is we were talking about aliens in our house and I asked Dh if he'd been probed yet.

"Not that I'm aware of"

"Want me to check?"

***************************
Set-up: my son (18 months) is sitting on the floor, very quietly. I walked up behind him to see what he was doing and he turned to me with both fingers up his nose and said "Cookie?"
I'm not sure if it was a question or an offer.

Posted by: Mrs X | June 2, 2006 01:43 AM

I didn't hear this but actually read this on a bathroom wall in a bar in Dallas TX: "I f*cked your mother"

Just underneath and in a different handwriting and ink color: "Go home dad, you're drunk"

Posted by: Suz | June 2, 2006 01:50 AM

"I ordered two one with ketchup and another with mayo"

Said by very drunk friend when asked if anyone had ordered a taxi...who then promptly collapsed on floor in hysterics as the taxi we had been waiting for for about an hour disapperared into the distance.

Posted by: Egg | June 2, 2006 03:38 AM

"Hello God"

Said very solemnly by my then two-year-old brother when greeting our priest after mass.

Posted by: gcb | June 2, 2006 03:41 AM

In the grocery checkout line with my husband who is holding our three year old son. Son looks at the magazines, turns to me and says LOUDLY, "Mommy, I HATE blondes with big firm breasts."

Posted by: pennyhoney | June 2, 2006 04:40 AM

Scene: A party. It is late. Very late.

V (to his brother J, who has been ranting drunkenly for the last half hour and is now slumped semi-comatose on the sofa): "John, I think it's time to leave"
J (opening one eye belligerently): "BUT I HAVEN'T FINISHED MAKING FRIENDS YET!"

Posted by: Lisa | June 2, 2006 08:56 AM

Conversation after my friend C had broken a lock off one of our fraternity ballot boxes.

Me: What are you doing?

C: I often find that banging something against the floor fixes it.

Me: Worked for my virginity.

Posted by: Rustybelle | June 2, 2006 09:27 AM

"hey guys, i need you to be my pygmies."

- attempt by my Indian boyfriend to get my friend and I to be his GUINEA PIGS and try something he'd been cooking. an argument soon ensued amongst the three of us and his Indian roommate - was it guinea pig, pygmy or, even better.... GYPSY??!!? obviously the people who speak English as their first language - friend and I - won the argument. :) but we still ask each other to be pygmies.

"you know what else i don't need? a big picture of jesus."

- best comment uttered by same friend's 4-year-old summer nannying gig charge while cruising the aisles of hobby lobby

Posted by: taerna | June 2, 2006 09:48 AM

"Mmmmmmm. Tastes like boobies."

Said by my asleep boyfriend after he rolled over and kissed my elbow. When I mentioned it to him the next morning he had no recollection of it. And he swears I made it up.

I still make fun of him for it.

Posted by: megan | June 2, 2006 10:07 AM

Three women co-workers/friends trying to split the check at lunch. This is taking forever.

Impatient Me: "We are NOT 80, this is NOT Boca, and this is NOT the early bird special."

I grabbed the check and paid it.

Posted by: Jules | June 2, 2006 10:46 AM

Am I the only one who recognizes "Obviously, you're not a golfer" from "The Big Lebowski"? Clearly, I have seen that movie far too many times.

I have TEARS in my eyes over here from the "I should not be scared of the janitor's closet..." thing. My GOD. Context, please. :)

Posted by: Laziza | June 2, 2006 11:30 AM

"What a coincidence, I'm a reader."

- Said by my cousin when he met an attractive girl who said she was a writer.

Posted by: BB | June 2, 2006 11:42 AM

"Miss Marple solves yet another baffling mystery that has the police completely puzzled."

-Me, yesterday, in an email to co-workers #1 and #2 after having the following exchange with co-worker #3, who is a very sweet lady and yet completely and totally annoying:

Co-worker #3: "Jonathan, I bet you're stamping mail!"
Me: "Yes, Linda, that is exactly what I am doing."
Co-worker #3: "Yeah! I could tell 'cause I heard the mail-stamper!"

Posted by: Jonathan | June 2, 2006 11:58 AM

"Im outside fuckers!"

~Annouced by my dear, sweet mother who happened to be outside whilst her three children were yelling, "mom, phone! mooooooooooooom, phone!, moooooooooooooooom, teeeeeelephone!"...

Its been 15 years, but we still like to yell it every now and again!

Posted by: dazed | June 2, 2006 12:24 PM

"The last thing I need is Kermit the Frog coming up to me while I am eating pancakes offering me a bag of weed."

Said by my boyfriend when asked why we didn't attend a character breakfast at a family resort in Jamaica where all the employees we talked to asked us if we wanted to 'party'. The mental image alone kills me.

Posted by: Kimberly | June 2, 2006 02:21 PM

While eating death by chocolate, "do you think anyone suicidal has ever sued for false advertising?".

"HOLY SHIT! WE'RE IN A METAL BED!" 10th grade when my best friend spent the night, during a hurricane, and we awoke to thunder and lightning. She then proceeded to get up, and run into the kitchen yelling "OH SHIT!" to where she ran into my stepmom.

Also sophomore year with above friend. We were in the bathroom during an assembly talking and laughing. A linebacker sized girl comes in and proclaims from the stall "shhh, I am trying to concentrate". To which I reply "Uhhh I think you have problems". We almost got our asses kicked.

I still almost pee myself when I think about the last one.

Posted by: Courtney | June 2, 2006 02:34 PM

This is recent, but my husband still makes fun of me 10 months later.

When seeing the new square pizza from papa john's, I proclaimed "that's weird, its got triangular squares".

Ps, I have doxies too, I think you have to be a little off to own them, as I quite obviously am. I also think the ratio of number of doxies to cazyness, is quite connected. I guess you're screwed then.

Posted by: courtney | June 2, 2006 02:44 PM

Two comments:


1) I was picking up my best friend's little boy from school one day. As he gets into the car, he says to me:

"Holy crap, I am sweatin' like a pioneer!"


2) At the zoo last week, my brother and I saw a statue where a dad was holding his little girl up and he was pointing at something, but the dad's other hand was grabbing the girl's butt. My brother says (loudly, at a ZOO, no less)

"Well, yes, but apparently this zoo was built back when it was perfectly okay to grope your children!"

Posted by: Loocy | June 2, 2006 03:30 PM

Hee I can't breathe I'm laughing too much! But here's a couple of gems from my own personal collection

Friend 1 - You're drunk!
Friend 2 - No, I am not.
Friend 1 - you are so drunk!
Friend 2 (completely straight faced) - I am NOT drunk. I, am British. (then promptly passed out)


Mum: You know, I should pop down to the Dr and get her some of those gazebo's.

She meant to say Placebo's, I still giggle every time I hear either word mentioned

This one is my favourite, uttered by me during a play I was costuming and had been working on for about a week before the production, this was uttered during the dress rehearsal.

Me: So why we all hanging around?
Cast: oh, Cyrano is just doing his dying speech
Me: Oh. Wait, Cyrano DIES?

There was a pause, then everyone in the building cracked up. humphf.

Posted by: Miss Moneypenny | June 2, 2006 03:53 PM

"I've never seen so many all at once."

- said in hushed, reverent tones by the proprietor of the gas station in Lafayette, Louisiana, where our caravan of twenty uniformed Catholic school girls had stopped for a break on our trip to, as we informed proprietor guy when he asked, the State High School Thespian Convention.

(Followed by Best Instant Comeback/Well-Placed Princess Bride Quote Ever: "I don't think that word means what you think it means.")

Posted by: Leigh Butler | June 2, 2006 06:53 PM

"I've never seen so many all at once."

- said in hushed, reverent tones by the proprietor of the gas station in Lafayette, Louisiana, where our caravan of twenty uniformed Catholic school girls had stopped for a break on our trip to, as we informed proprietor guy when he asked, the State High School Thespian Convention.

(Followed by Best Instant Comeback/Well-Placed Princess Bride Quote Ever: "I don't think that word means what you think it means.")

Posted by: Leigh Butler | June 2, 2006 06:55 PM

Oops! Sorry for double post.

Posted by: Leigh Butler | June 2, 2006 06:56 PM

Ahh in the category of "sloth"
Me and my two girlfriends settled in for a long night of lazy, then this happened:

Kelly:Where can we put the cheese platter so we can eat without getting off the couch?

Sara: What If i drag this step aerobics thing over?

Kelly: Perfect!

Me: Do either of you find this ironic?


Thanks for making me laugh at work MissDoxie

Posted by: Debbie Dynamo | June 2, 2006 07:57 PM

Here's another, since I haven't spammed you enough today:

"Ooh! Ooh! ARMS!"

- my friend Shannon's response to a Taboo clue.

The clue: "Babies have a lot of these."

O.o

I think we laughed for about a hundred years. The funniest part was how completely excited he was about his guess. Well, that and the mental image.

Posted by: Leigh Butler | June 2, 2006 09:11 PM

"They can't do smart things, Caitlin, they have babies."

--Response to an outburst in traffic behind some people with a child seat in the back

"Let's put them up every orifice in our bodies!"

--After getting a shitload of Pixy Stix, my friends pondered the possibilities of what to do with them.

"Dear God, I'm very sorry I said you had ADD and man-boobs. Amen."

--...Self explanatory. ;)

Posted by: Mama Melon Balls | June 2, 2006 10:54 PM

"Wow. They're actually looking at each other and singing the words go down on me. Whose idea was THAT?"

Said by me to hubby, while watching American Idol Season Finale, when Clay Aiken and faux-Clay were singing together.

Posted by: LadyBug | June 3, 2006 12:37 AM

During a game of Taboo with my friends from work. (We work at a theatre, FYI.)
The Clue: We have a lot of these at work.
Screamed in unison by 2 of my co-workers: BITCHES!
Their Second Guess: HOMOSEXUALS!


"You know where Weiner is, don't you?"

--A serious question, asked of me by my mother during a bridal shower, when one of the guests (who lived on Weiner) called to say they had car trouble and could someone pick them up. My response: I think I would remember a street called Weiner . . . and I don't.


"My last name is Uffer. That's U as in Uffer."

--Said by Mrs. Uffer, who seemed to think I wouldn't know how to spell her name. I fell out of my chair once I got off the phone with her.

Posted by: Hello Mimi | June 3, 2006 01:48 AM

Seeing a good friend for the first time in awhile, and being rather lit having had a tad too much fortified wine. Talking about my not so good looking BF.

No, you just don't understand. He fu*** like an Ambassador.

I don't even know what it means. Friend still laughs about it, and it's been 15 years.

Posted by: J. | June 3, 2006 02:05 AM

"That's why I'm sitting here, so that my ass will be eaten."

I was sitting ON a table at my university's cafeteria when one of the employees said:

"Tables here are for putting stuff that are going to be eaten young lady."

Hence, my answer. Yes, I was embittered when I was in College.

Posted by: khazzy | June 3, 2006 11:13 AM

"congratulations on being valid victorian!"

-Note written on card from highly educated aunt to nephew who graduated at the top of his class.

Posted by: Jane | June 3, 2006 06:10 PM

de-lurking to offer my own little gems:

me: i have a history exam on monday that i'm so fucked for.
friend: it's okay. i'm fucked for biochem, so... [long pause] i was going to say 'we can be fucked together' but that sounds wrong in about 50 different ways.


scene: my apartment in boston. approximately 10:30 PM on election night, 2004. (side note: my parents, at this point in time, are staunch republicans. i am not.)

phone: ring!
me: hello?
mom: WHERE ARE YOU.
me: um... in my room?
mom: YOU BETTER NOT BE DOWNTOWN AT THAT KERRY RALLY.
me: uhh... i'm... not.
mom: oh. ok. good. because dad said he'd disown you if we saw you on tv in copley square.
me: well, it's... good, then... right?
mom: right. here's dad.
dad: ah, glad to hear i still have two daughters.
me: uh, me too.
dad: i was afraid i'd see you on tv at that rally. it'd be like seeing you on girls gone wild.
me: what?!
dad: actually, seeing you on girls gone wild would be better than seeing you at a kerry rally.
me: ok, dad, i'm hanging up now.
dad: DON'T LEAVE YOUR APARTMENT!
phone: click.

Posted by: rer | June 3, 2006 11:55 PM

Two things,
First, my best line ever.
My Ex-BF and I and some friends were playing cards. Which is when we all talk a lot of crap to each other.
He said..well, I can't remember exactly, but he ended it with.."Or else I'll slap you with nine inches of dick."

And I HAD to.
"Where you gonna get the other eight inches?"
He was mad, but he left himself wide open for it. I had to.

Second,
Mad Bo got me thinking. The other day I was walking to the bus and I had my headphones on. I heard some barking and I think...someone's dog is in their yard and they are barking at me. But I figure I will turn around and check.
And THERE! is a dog chasing me down the street.
And it was the REALLY FEROCIOUS LOOKING...daschund?
I just about died laughing. It was running and making so much of an effort and not getting anywhere near me. When I turned around and looked at it, it just ran home. =)
I wish I'd had my camera.

Posted by: SWSNBN | June 4, 2006 12:18 AM

"That's a Cutlass Supreme. Wanna know how I know?"

-- Best obvious response to waiting at a light behind a vehichle whose bumper read, in large reflective type, "CUTLASS SUPREME"


"That's a pretty song. What are the words?"

-- Best question I've ever been asked while playing "Canon in D" on piano


"But...but...but...IT SUCKS!"

-- Best response by husband after being conveyed the news that Seventh Heaven was picked up by the CW after it had already been canceled by the WB

Posted by: Kida | June 4, 2006 10:35 AM

I've never commented here but I have a great one.

Three friends and I were playing Trivial Pursuit: Pop Culture. Friend A asked Friend B "What movie featured the song 'Zed's Dead'?" Friend C got REALLY EXCITED. When Friend B couldn't answer, Friend C SCREAMS out "POWER RANGERS!!!".

Friend A's face (that had been so hopeful) dropped. "Actually you couldn't be further from the truth. The answer is 'Pulp Fiction.'"

I laughed so hard that I fell over and nearly wet my pants.

Posted by: Pixie | June 4, 2006 11:37 AM

De-lurking

Location: IL

Me: We don't take appointments, it's on a walk-in basis.

Customer (after several second pause): You've got to be kidding. I am NOT walking all the way from Kentucky!

>Re-lurking

Posted by: lee | June 4, 2006 02:21 PM

Oh, man, Pixie just reminded me of another one I have. This one, coincidentally enough, also took place during a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Me: (pulling out card, reading question) What four-letter musical is the longest-running show in Broadway history?
Brother: Umm...
Sister: Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!
Brother: I... yeah, I don't know.
Sister: IknowIknowIknowIknow!
Me: Okay, what is it?
Sister: Annie!
Me: ...
Sister: I knew it!
Me: Cats.
Sister: ???
Me: "Annie" is not a four-letter word.
Sister: ...oh.

She still gets teased about that to this day, almost ten years later.

Posted by: Jonathan | June 4, 2006 04:41 PM

My ex-boyfriend's outraged response to *Alias* not being shown on Easter Sunday as a result of the network choosing to show *The Ten Commandments.* :
"OH. MY. GOD! *ALIAS* has been pre-empted by Christianity!"

Or best friend deadpanned the following:
"Much like Rome..."
-------------
A friend's mother in response to how long her arroz con pollo was taking at dinner one night:
"What'd they have to do? Go choke the chicken?"
-------------
Another friend's mother, after calling her son at a friend's house (in the days before cell phones):
"Where are you?! You better not be in [place x]!"
-------------
Trying to explain a guy with whom I went to school with to my mother:
"Well, he'd be really cute if it weren't for his face."
------------
A friend's kid's response to "Go clean your room":
"I can't want to."
-----------

The "Taboo" game reminded me of a game I played one night with my ex-husband and several of our [exteremly gay] friends:
Friend 1: "You can pack it!"
Friend 2: "You can eat it!"
My ex-husband: "Poo? Who eats poo?!!?"
-----------

Finally, best response *EVER* to "What's the temperature out there like today?"
"It's hotter than ten rats f*cking on the sun."

Posted by: Pave.Gurl | June 4, 2006 08:34 PM

My buddy E has several dolls/action figures. We get her one every year, since she has no man. (hee) She has a Van Helsing, an Aragorn, etc.

She and a friend were having lunch and were discussing the dolls. Her friend said that she wanted to wait until E was out of town and then sneak over to her house and take them, because she has always coveted them.

Friend's husband looks up from his food and says in exasperation, "Oh I can hear it now. E will come home and call you and yell, "BITCH, WHERE'S MY MAN DOLLS?"

Posted by: Laura | June 4, 2006 08:59 PM

Three comments, all by my best friend.

#1

Friend's Boss: (after figuring out a computer problem that had taken her hours to figure out: "I am such a stupid bitch"

Friend: "Aww, you're not stupid."

#2

After a heavy night of drinking, walking through the parking lot to our car.

Friend: "Watch where you step, there are alligators in the drains." We live in Maryland by the way.

#3

After a discussion of things we would like to do before we turn forty.

Me: "I would like to go skydiving, or maybe just bungee jumping.:

Friend: "I don't think I could skydive, but I could bungee jump if I was like, attached to somenthing."

Me: "No shit sherlock, I think if you aren't attached to something it is no longer bungee jumping, it's just called suicide."

Posted by: Confessions of a Neurotic Newlywed | June 5, 2006 08:53 AM

when i was little, like 5 or 6, my parents felt that i was already hanging out with a "bad crowd."
dad: if you keep hanging out with those kids you'll be mislead
me: but i don't want to be Miss Lead
dad: you'll end up in jail by the time you're 13
me: NO! tell me who Miss Lead is and why is she so bad? did Miss Lead go to jail when she was 13?

... oh to be that naive again...

Posted by: itsabecky | June 5, 2006 09:20 AM

"Just so you know, in this house, when we go to take a poo we say that we're going to read the Ikea catalogue."

- My sister, whom I'm visiting, so that her boyfriend's attempts at delicately excusing himself don't confuse me.

Posted by: Sheila | June 5, 2006 11:51 AM

Oh! And:

"Would you like some sex? It will be VERY GOOD!"

- Said by random drunk Greek man on Mykonos to self this summer as he walked past on the pavement. Was too horrified for words at the time but my friend who was there and I kill ourselves laughing remembering it. T'was accompanied by very descriptive eyebrow wiggling, too.

Posted by: Sheila | June 5, 2006 11:54 AM

Oh, my aching stomach!

Several comments that sprang to mind while reading/snorting over the above:

There was a day, lo these many years ago, when I noticed I needed a little trim around the bangs so I grabbed some cuticle scissors or the poultry shears or whatever was handy and snipped away. I discarded of the trimmings in the toilet; didn't flush, because newborn daughter was sleeping in her room right across the hall. A little while later, son, age 5, saunters in to use the facilities. Must bear in mind that he had recently participated in "sibling preparation" classes at the hospital and well-meaning, but perhaps misplaced, home tutorials re: "where babies come from" complete with picture books and videos. So what we have is a very well educated child wandering into the bathroom--where, when he looks in the toilet, he sees the floating tuft of hair . . . I was in the kitchen when his first scream scored a direct hit on my anal sphincter--there was genuine terror in that scream. I ran toward the shrieks and collided with him in the living room, where he stood clutching his shorts and finally burst out: MOM!! Your BAGINA'S in the toilet!!!!!!!!"

I reminded him of that episode just a few days ago. He's now 23 and still shudders at the memory.

Number two son: Peering down at the broken remains of a robin's egg lying on the concrete floor of a picnic shelter: "Look, all the yogurt came out." He also loved and insisted upon being fed Gorilla Cheese sandwiches.

Daughter (the one who was sleeping in the first anecdote, sbove), when she had achieved the ripe old age of 9, and was confronted by some outrage or other: "Wha? Well. . . JIMINY CRACK WHORE!"

"Puke me with a maggot."

My mother, the Norma Crosby of malapropisms, trying, we are pretty sure, to say "Gag me with a fork."

Finally (sorry, I know, this is retardedly long): While married to my first husband I had occasionally to put up with the unwanted advances of his best friend (really) every single time all of us got together. I had to behave like THE most heinous bitch (yeah,it was a real stretch) in order to get the message across: Hi? NOT INTERESTED. One New Year's weekend we all went to Tahoe (for the record, my husband didn't believe me when I told him about his "friend." They are still best friends and the ex and I have been divorced for 16 wonderful years). For some reason I was behaving civilly toward the asswipe, which he interpreted, naturally, as a sign that I wanted to bed him right there in the middle of the bar. As soon as the coast was clear he leaned toward me, all smarmy, and said "So when are we going to have sex?" Me, smiling back: "Are you into necrophilia, Jeff? Cause the only time I'll ever f*** you is when I'm dead."
I'm very proud of that because I'm usually the type who thinks of the perfect comeback about 3 days later, and also because I had a witness. The bartender heard the whole thing and he high-fived me. HAH.

Thanks again, Doxie Do Right. You and your brilliant posters made my day (again).


Posted by: nowwaitjustaminizzle | June 5, 2006 03:24 PM

Ooo, more!

The Scene: Parents' dinnertable
The Setup: I'd shown off my bizarre lung-capacity by blowing out the candles from my seat without leaning forward. Something peanutty for din-din.
The Perpetrator: Ma
The Line: "Man, you are a windy human! And you smell like an old peanut!"

The Scene: oh, who cares
The Setup: Mom is complaining about the many students at her university who PEE on the damn SEATS in the frequently-used bathroom on the first floor of her building.
The Perpetrator: my brother
The Line: "Just another example of the lowering of American Standards."

Posted by: Laurabelle | June 5, 2006 04:49 PM

Oh, here's the best one ever. Really.

Setup: My friend, Bebe, home from college on a break. The scene: family having dinner together. During the course of dinner conversation, Dewey, my friend's younger brother, mentions that he has just that day learned about hermaphrodites. Asks his parents is that for real? They assure him it is. Dewey: "Gee, what would you say to a person like that?" George (the Dad) after a perfectly timed pause:
"Quite literally, 'Go fuck yourself'."

Posted by: nowwaitjustaminizzle | June 5, 2006 06:56 PM

Husband to me while walking in the "jungle" in Hawaii: Be careful, there may be fetal pigs!

********************************************

Scene: Trying to recreate a computer problem with a co-worker and the computer freezes.
Me: Matt, I thing you're hung
Matt: Why thank you!
Me: *face red*

Posted by: Tracy | June 5, 2006 07:37 PM

My friend and I are both in love with reality TV and when we're together, we're a riot (or, so we think). One day, she was saying or doing something weird, so I said:

"You should be in a show where cameras follow you around 24/7. And by show, I mean hospital, and by cameras, I mean psychiatrists."

We pretty much died laughing.

Posted by: heathabee | June 5, 2006 08:20 PM

OH! And here's one that I am still teased about to this day: My family and I were playing Scattegories at our cottage. The letter was H, and one of the questions was, "People who come to your door".

the family went around the table reading their answers (or passing, it was a rough one). I was about 9 or 10 at the time, and when it got to be my turn, I was excited because no one else had my answer and I knew I had it!

I shouted out, "HEBREWS!"

... my family DIED.

... I meant Jehovah's Witnesses.

sigh.

Posted by: heathabee | June 5, 2006 08:25 PM

i just remembered another one!

scene: 7th grade science classroom. teacher is describing a planet, and students are supposed to raise their hands when they know which one it is. teacher is currently describing Uranus.

teacher: so, who can tell me which planet this is?
obnoxious boy: ooh! ooh! i know! UTERUS!!!!

i think my teacher may have peed her pants.

Posted by: rer | June 5, 2006 10:11 PM

A little late, but I have a few:

"Man, that sounds like it would be right up my cup of tea!"
-self, mangling prases as I do best

"Your nipple, in the sunlight, is so beautiful."
-very romantically spoken after a night of fooling around with (and passing out drunk next to) a guy I barely knew. I about died.

"We could just, you know, find a ditch somewhere?"
-other guy I barely knew, at a bar, hitting on (and slobbering all over) my friend and I. He'd offered (so generously!) to "do it" with us. My friend asked him politely where he intended on "doing it", just to see what he would say. I still crack up.

Great topic, Miss Doxie!

Posted by: Sunny | June 6, 2006 12:05 AM

The Boyfriend (introducing me to someone): This is my girlfriend Wen. She's my sugar-momma in training or S.M.I.T, for short.

Me: Hi, nice to meet you! (turns to BF) I am not your "sugar momma in training"! I am your Trophy Wife in Training!

Boyfriend:(slight pause) You mean a T.W.I.T?

History did not record my response.

Posted by: Wen | June 6, 2006 12:13 AM

"Mommy, Do you like Puss?" (louder) "MOMMY.... DO YOU LIKE PUSS?!?!"

Said on the way out of the theater after watching Shreck II, by my 6 yr old son. My husband was no help... (among all the other peoples giggles...) "Yeah, honey... do you like puss?"

"Mommy I'm gonna have TWO!"

Said by my son at age 5,,,, after he'd found his testicles and asked what they were. I explained he'd need them to have babies when he grew up.


"So, you were a virgin when you had me?"

Said when son was 5.... and he's asked what a "virgin" was. I told him it was what a young lady was before she got married.


:) LOVE them boys.

Posted by: JoJo | June 6, 2006 08:42 AM

Gad, I keep rememberin' em. That last one "Mommy, do you like Puss," not only split my seams, it reminded me of the time I hadda take my 5 year old son with me to a gyno appointment. I thought he was seated well out of harm's way but, sure enough, as we're making our way out through the crowded and hushed waiting room, he all but screamed "Mommy, why did that lady stick that fing up your BUTT?"

Posted by: nowwaitjustaminizzle | June 6, 2006 01:48 PM

Can I have some anus candy?

my question to my family when I was little on vacation; my gramma had anise hard candy.
I didn't know why everyone was laughing so hard!

Posted by: chelgal | June 6, 2006 01:50 PM

Geez - this happened today:
Scene: The fabric store check-out
The culprit: my buddy's 3 year old one.
My friend says to her son: "Show Laura how you can go winky winky."
Her son smiles at me, grabs his dick and waves it, yelling "Winky, winky, winky!!"

The checkout woman and I lost it.

Posted by: Laura | June 6, 2006 04:37 PM

"No thanks, my time machine's broken."

--Best response to my boss, who, in late January 2006, was wandering about the office asking his employees ONE AT A TIME if they had any use for his old 2005 calendar.

Posted by: Jennifer | June 6, 2006 06:01 PM

"Yeah, Dad decided to go all postmodern on me this year."

My 12-year-old sister on her birthday, explaining over the phone that my dad had just walked in the kitchen with a Slurpee bearing 12 candles - as opposed to a standard cake - for her 'happy birthday' sing-a-long.

Posted by: Maria | June 6, 2006 06:07 PM

I have another one now, from yesterday.

My daughter to my son: Look, I have a watch!

My son: Oh. What does it do?

My daughter: It WATCHES. DUH. You're stupid.

*daughter walks off, rolling her eyes*

Posted by: Zombie | June 6, 2006 07:36 PM

"Do you like it in your pants?"

Two non-native English speakers discussing the clothes they were trying on. Overheard by my husband who worked in the clothing store.

"That's my butt! That's where the poop comes out!"

and

"Hey Tim, pinch my butt!!!"

Both shouted at inappropriate volume on separate occasions by our friend's then 4-year old son. The latter was at a bar/pizza joint. Tim is my husband, not a relative of the kid.

Posted by: rebecca | June 6, 2006 07:41 PM

Our bus filled with teenagers was enroute to Disney World. The bus had a non-working small bathroom, so the driver stopped at a busy, kitschy tourist-trap place on US27. A youth leader, Jim, said to all the guys in the men's room, "When we leave the bathroom, I'll count 1, 2, 3....then we'll all yell in unison, 'WHAT A RELIEF!!!'" Jim was the first to leave the room and Ray said, "Don't say it" to the rest of the guys. Yes, Jim came out and yelled that to the entire store. A riot. At least when you're 15.

Posted by: shimfee | June 6, 2006 11:36 PM

I got another great comment just today!

The set-up: I called my health insurance company (based out of NJ) to get a list of PCPs in the area near my law school (in RI). The conversation went sort of like this:

Agent: "What's your location?"
Me: "Rhode Island."
Agent: "But what state?"
Me: "Umm, Rhode Island."
Agent: "Oh, is that a state now?"
Me: "Yes. We were so good they gave us our own state."
Agent: "Oh, did this happen recently?"
Me: "Yeah, just this past 1790."

Clearly, you can see what a fine American education does for some people.

Posted by: A-May | June 7, 2006 01:42 AM

A friend and I were in Ethiopia, in a lovely town called Awassa. We were eating sandwiches from the motel 'restaurant' on their lawn, which was on the edge of the lake. All of Awassa (and a lot of the rest of the country) was full of several varieties of monkey - big and little, shy and aggressive. I put down my sandwich to reach for something, and a large vervet monkey ran over and nicked it! I was distraught - that was my whole lunch - and asked the nice guy from the restaurant if I could have some bread to replace it. He came out with some lovely fresh bread and a huge long stick. 'Here is some bread,' he said, 'and this is stick for spanking the monkey.'
We didn't recover properly for hours.

Posted by: Chryseis | June 7, 2006 05:46 AM

After changing my mind about what to eat for dinner many, many times and causing my husband to roll his eyes dramatically at the mind changing:

"Changing my mind is my right! It came with my vagina!"

(And I was sober. Yes indeedy.)

Posted by: Melinda | June 7, 2006 02:21 PM

Years ago, during my rebel partying years, two of my friends and I were cruising in the car. Because we were young and in Mexico, we of course had had some (plenty of) tequila.

We were playing some music and a friend was about to change the CD when I just randomly yelled: 'PLAY PORK! PORK! I WANNA LISTEN TO PORK!'

Of course I was talking about the new Cake CD, which had a pig on the cover.

It's been at least 7 years and they still laugh their asses off when they remember it.

_________________________________________________

A friend of mine called me from his house because he didn't make it to work. He was talking about stuff that had been doing around his house in his day off, and I was uh-huhing along, it went something like this:

Him: Yeah, so I put Nathaniel to take his nap and I have some food in the oven and I'm watering my plants

Me: WHAT?!? YOU'RE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS?!?!

Him: I said 'I'm watering the plants!'

It's been months and we still laugh our asses off every time we remember.

Posted by: Lily | June 7, 2006 04:35 PM

Response by my fiance while playing a high-pressure round of Catchphrase (answer = bath robe):
Me: "It's something you wear when you get out the shower, but don't want to put normal clothes on... you tie it around you..."
Him: "Robe!"
Me: "Right! But, the full name for it--"
Him: (proudly and sincerely) "Roberta!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a college Spring Break trip to the Bahamas with friends, we ended up at a local bar on the beach. There were plenty of drunk college kids and locals and the usual bikini contests, best-tan-line games and other usual vacation debauchery. Then, the bar staff decided to switch to a more intellectual game (trivia type). The question was "What is Osmosis?" (Probably an attempt to confuse the drunk, partially naked contestants.) (Definition: Diffusion of fluid through a semipermeable membrane from a solution with a low solute concentration to a solution with a higher solute concentration until there is an equal concentration of fluid on both sides of the membrane.)

Remarkably, there were some smarty-pants at the party who yelled out:
"...it has to do with diffusion", "... it involves movement of something in water!", and "... it has something to do with going from high-concentration to low-concentration!"

At which point, a drunk local Bahama stud next to me at the bar turns to me and says in all seriousness (with seductive eyes and a great attempt at keeping with the moment):

(read in a Bahama accent)
"'ow 'bout you and I go out into da water, and I be highly concentrating on you,... and we'll osmosisize!" (wink, wink)

As an engineer and scientist myself, I laughed hysterically, and gave him points for the best/most-creative pick-up line ever!

Posted by: Kelly | June 7, 2006 05:19 PM

"You do too smoke, mom...you smoke those little cigarettes that daddy rolls".

Said by my sister at 4 years old (in 1977), in response to my mother stating at Christmas dinner (in front of 20 relatives) that she was thankful that she never started smoking.

Posted by: Heather | June 7, 2006 08:33 PM

First visit here and so glad I came.

Set-up: Conversation between idiot friend and myself. He worked at Nathan's Franks making the hot dogs. I bestowed the nickname Captain Weenie on him when he took the job.

Him - Guess what! They're making me the assistant manager.

Me - Congrats! So, with the promotion, do you want to be Major or Sergeant?

Him - Major! Yes, Major is better. Right? Hey, what are you laughing?

Oh that still cracks me up!

--
My, sadly, NOT drunk at the time college roommate: "It's ok to be easy. Just don't be cheap."

--
The aforementioned roommate (who, by the way, is a teacher now) was staring at the TV one winter Sunday evening. (We were in Philadelphia, by the way.)

Her - When did they tape this?
Friend A - It's live. They're playing right now.
Her - But it's sunny out.
Friend B - Right. Well it's the West Coast.
Her - It never gets dark out west?

---
My friend determined to embody a blonde joke once fell off her seat and onto the floor during a movie. As we left the theatre we were all talking about the film and pretending to be wise people with actual opinions.

Me - So, Nik, what did you think of it?
Her (completely serious) - You know, it's not as sticky and gross as you'd think.

Posted by: sandy | June 7, 2006 11:10 PM

Oh forgot one!

Our first 'real' Girl Scout camping trip included a little Sunday 'church' service led by a group of Scouts. We were all about 9 years old. Our brillant idea was to show the direct relationship between the Ten Commandments and the Girl Scout rules/laws/whatever they called them.

Our leaders (my mother included) were bent over laughing when we got to our third example:

Commandment: Do not covet thy neighbor's wife.
Girl Scout Law: Be fair.

Posted by: sandy | June 7, 2006 11:17 PM

"You know what's great about the bay? You can puke in it, and no one can tell you you can't."

- One (very drunk) friend to another (slightly less drunk) friend, after the very drunk friend had, in fact, vomited copiously into the bay. Less-drunk friend was so entertained he immortalized these words of wisdom on a t-shirt.

Posted by: Rose | June 7, 2006 11:29 PM

While I was driving past a restaurant with a huge sign bearing its name--Barnaby's Beef, Bay and Bottle--my passenger commented on the name. I responded "It was either that or Surf, Turf and Hurf."

--

"Well, it rhymed in my head, before I said it."

Me, upon asserting that "hookers and blow" might be cockney rhyming slang for "letting loose".

Posted by: Josh | June 8, 2006 02:39 AM

senior year a friend of mine was talking about the colleges he was planning on checking out... in december... in pennsylvania
friend: i'm going to Syracuse University this weekend
teacher: you're going wind surfing? isn't it a little cold for that?
my friend ended up going to Syracuse. we talk about him going wind surfing all the time.

my boyfriend and i were putting in a new floor in the kitchen this past weekend. his family (rather large) called constantly to see how it was going.
phone: ring! ring!
self: hello?
BF's sister: is this floors r us?
self: excuse me?
BF's sister: is this floors r us?
self: no, this is not whores r us, bitch!*hangs up*
BF: what was that about?
self: someone just called and asked if this was whores r us!
phone: ring! ring!
BF: hello? (pause) it was an accident (pause) she didnt know it was you (pause) well you ARE a bitch

Posted by: itsabecky | June 8, 2006 08:49 AM

When my daughter was maybe 5 and learning to read, we were sitting next to a van in traffic that had the name of a business written on the side. She asked what it said, and I told her. Then she asked what the name meant, and I said "It's their business." She responded with "And none of ours?"

Posted by: Wendy | June 8, 2006 01:28 PM

Overheard during a party: one person asked a favor of another, and was told that "I'd only do that if you changed your name to 'Angus the haggis.'"

Responded the would-be Angus, "Well, just call me 'Stomach Meat,' then."

Posted by: Kim | June 8, 2006 02:40 PM

"I need a nurse in here with cute tits."

What my father (the patient) and the very confused nurse on the intercom thought they heard the doctor say.
What he really said: "I need a nurse in here with Q-Tips."

Posted by: mackmomma | June 8, 2006 03:38 PM

These are great... Funny one told to me by my sister...her roommate's sister was teaching her little girl the anatomically-correct terminology for her girly bits while potty training.

One night, they were headed over to a friend's house for a lasagna dinner. They got into the house, and the little girl looks at host and asks, "So when are we going to eat the vagina? I'm starving!"

Also--the "anus candy" comment--my aunt said the same thing on a family vacation, and she was an adult at the time!

Posted by: Kathryn | June 8, 2006 11:06 PM

A personal favorite to add to the mix:

"Oh, my god. I look like Princess Fiona."

Said by my friend's sister after she got her wedding dress on...and everything hiked into place. Sad thing is, her husband looks like Shrek.

And another along the same lines...

"We're just like Shrek and Fiona." - said by my friend's 8-year-old son when he was asked if he passes gas in front of his "girlfriend" Adele.

Posted by: Leesavee | June 8, 2006 11:11 PM

This is the best laugh I've had in a long time!!

I have a couple to share:
-When one of my nephews was about 3 he would run around his neighborhood playing with older kids in the area. He picked up some "interesting" vocabulary from them, including a phrase he took to be some sort of greeting. One day his father (just out of jail, loser, generally miserable excuse for a human) called and wanted to talk to him. Jesse took the phone and excitedly said "Hi Dad! Fuck You!!!" Frankly, we all wanted to say it.

-Different nephew, aged about 2 1/2, to my brother (not his dad): I'm gonna hump you! (he meant bump. They were playing cars)

Posted by: lori | June 8, 2006 11:35 PM

"My baby brother is dead; he's been shot by a hunter."

A two-year-old me, informing my mother of Baby Brother's fate, after staring at him in his crib. I had seen "Bambi" recently and taken it to heart.

Posted by: leighnut | June 9, 2006 02:22 AM

"Now Todd, you get back in the bath pud, I mean tub!"

Said by me while babysitting two boys ages three and five when the youngest kept crawling in and out of the bath water.

Posted by: Lauren | June 9, 2006 10:07 AM

Oh, one more:

"I can't believe that a man from the same state as the great Union general Joshua Chamberlain would dare to shit in a lady's purse."

Said by my VERY drunken friend Alice (now Alan, post-op) to my ex-husband when he threatened to poop in her handbag if she didn't turn over her car keys to him. She was far too drunk to drive.

Posted by: Leesavee | June 9, 2006 10:30 AM

"but I loooove REsearch, yeall"

Said by the drunk who face planted in front of the copy machine when the security guard told him he had been trespassed.

Posted by: sarah | June 9, 2006 11:04 AM

"Look how thick my meat is!"

Twenty-something friend, upon receiving a very large hamburger.

Posted by: ShellBell | June 21, 2006 08:23 PM

TIME: Sometime during the "Cow Parade" in New York in 2000 (cow sculptures, each painted by different artists, set up all over the city for a month.)

SETTING: In a cab, I am on my way to work.

PARTICIPANTS: Me, and the cabbie, for whom English is a second language.

SETUP: As we are riding, we each glance out the window at the cow sculptures as we pass them. After about ten minutes, he asks me what's going on. "What do you mean?" I ask.

He gestures out the window at another sculpture and says, "Nowadays, everywhere I look, I see BEEFS!"

Posted by: Kim | June 23, 2006 10:41 AM

"I would start over."

-Best answer ever to a Creative Writing teachers inquiry as to what this student would do if he had a beginning paragraph similar to the one of the rather "view askew" short story we were analysing.

Posted by: ems | June 26, 2006 07:25 PM

"This is ARKANSAS. If we want to find the intellectuals, we have to go to where they MEET. We aren't going to HAPPEN UPON THEM."

-My response to my husband's resistance to the suggestion that we attend the Unitarian Church.

Posted by: cynikell | July 4, 2006 12:03 AM

"They are Oprah's vitamins. Don't ya'll have Oprah here?"

Said by my southern flatmate to an airport security guard in Amsterdam when she emptied her pockets and had a very dodgy looking capsule filled with white powder. She then shoved it towards said security personnel and it broke, sending powder flying into her already horrified face. At this point my ever innocent friend turned to me and said "Oh my God, they think I have drugs!" Needless to say the entire security line was halted while the head of security was summoned and questioned my friend. (Did I mention that we were with our MA professors, one of which is a lawyer, who offered her consultation?)

The best part of this story is that they really were Oprah's vitamins. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to explode.

Posted by: jenny | July 16, 2006 03:57 PM

thanks so much test.com

Posted by: Joe Mam | August 1, 2006 05:14 AM

"Stop! You big girl! Go back!"

As told to a 5' 10", 160 lb friend when she accidently wandered into the petite section of a women's clothing store in a predominantly Asian neighbourhood. She was greeted with the above command by a tiny size 0 Asian salesgirl who stood right in front of my friend, arms straight out, like she was stopping a speeding car.

Posted by: Tonya | August 15, 2006 07:59 PM

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