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The Correct Answer To This Question Is Oh My God, Stop Thinking About This Right Now, You Crazy Woman.

April 03, 2006

Hi, people! Welcome to Monday. I have issues.

Actually, what I have is an unusual problem. It is a problem of so much unusualness that I am going to ask you all to tell me what, precisely, you would do if faced with this problem. Now, I warn you. Just because this problem is unusual does not mean that it is not stupid. It is. This problem is completely lame.

The lameness, however, makes me no less flummoxed. WWJD? Or, as Dukay says, What Would Jack Bauer Do? (In other situations, answers to this question have included, "Jack Bauer would tie Bo to the radiator until he talks!" and "Jack Bauer would eat the shit out of some barbecue!" We ask that question kind of a lot in my house.)

So, here is situation. I woke up this morning at 6 to an ungodly amount of noise, coming from both inside and outside of my home. The outside noise, I soon discovered, was the result of an enormous truck in the middle of my street, backing up to the neighbor's house, all BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEP. The inside noise was the dogs responding hysterically (AHHHH) to the beeping. I ultimately calmed them down and went back to bed, and had pretty much forgotten about the whole event by the time I (eventually) got up.

So, I got up and dressed and showered (not in that order, actually) and walked outside in the rain, and that is where I was surprised to find several pallets of materials sitting on my yard.

Hmm, said I.

These pallets are not mine, I said.

The pallets glared at me, mysteriously. They, however, said nothing.

It was really pouring, so I ran over to them, pulling my coat over my head, and tried to figure out what they could be. They looked like landscaping materials, but I couldn't figure out what they contained, because they'd been shrink wrapped. Whatever it was, was lumpy. And it was a lot of something lumpy. I looked for a packing slip or some delivery information: no. I looked for a company name on the pallets: no. I looked for ANYthing that might explain from whence these mystery pallets originated, or where they were actually supposed to go: no.

I thought maybe there would be a delivery slip in my mailbox or on the front door. No. I thought maybe there would be a phone number or packing slip under the shrink wrap, so I poked around. No. There is absolutely no clue as to their origin. It is like they were dropped out of the damned sky. Except for that they were actually dropped from a damned truck, which clearly was in the wrong place. I saw a number written on the side of one pallet in Sharpie; it could be an address, but it's not mine. And it's not a number that corresponds with any house on my street, or the cross street.

Now...y'all. I have to say, I just have no idea what I should do. I have pallets. ("Pallets" almost sounds like a disease, like rickets. I have pallets! I have to have penicillin!) They're not mine. They clearly contain a lot of something (lumpy) that someone needs, and which they paid good money for. This may also be a time-sensitive thing for all I know, and there are people waiting for these pallets before they can start working today, only I have the wayward pallets, and Lord only knows. But I don't know who, or what, or where, or why, or any of those other key questions. I also don't know who one calls regarding delivery of unauthorized pallets by a very noisy truck at 6 a.m. There is no protocol here.

Applying the What Would Jack Bauer Do analysis to the facts at hand, I think my options are as follows:

Option 1: Blow up pallets, in case they contain deadly Syntox gas which will soon be released into air systems all over my neighborhood, and then dive dramatically out of the way at the last possible second, riding the wave of the explosion (in my business suit) and clutching approximately four dogs as flames and bits of something (lumpy) rain about us; somersault to safety, hair slightly disshevelled, small black smudge under left eye.

Option 2: Interrogate pallets, using syringe and handgun; use psychological attacks. Attempt to turn pallets against each other ("That's not what the OTHER pallet said!").

Option 3: Drill air holes in pallets, in case pallets contain key CTU staff trapped by evil terrorists; perform complicated laboratory tests using satellites and protocols to determine heat ratio of pallets; free trapped CTU staff, unless trapped character is Kim Bauer, in which case, see Option 1.

Those are the Jack Bauer answers. If we went another way and applied the standard What Would Jesus Do analysis to the facts at hand, the answer would probably be:

Option 1: Not sell pallets on eBay as "Mystery Boxes of Fun, may contain Hoffa!";

Option 2: Put up flyer announcing to neighborhood at large: "FOUND PALLETS. Earthly reward not necessary -- awaiting me in Heaven."

Option 3: Not do anything that Jack Bauer would do, ever.

But why stop there? We need more perspective.

What Would Bo Do?

Option 1: Bark at.

Option 2: Pee on.

Option 3: HATE.

Last night was Sunday, and it's not TV, it's HBO, and considering that, What Would Bill Paxton From Big Love Do?

Option 1: Marry pallets.

Option 2: Expose naked behind to pallets; hope for best.

Option 3: Give pallets to Margene with accompanying discussion about being the steward of material goods, like, Bill? Wrong wife, dude. This is a conversation you need to be having with the blonde one. Right now. Hop to.

Similarly, What Would Tony Soprano Do?

Option 1: Smoke cigar with pallets; feel pallets out. Do pallets have loyalties to Johnny Sack? FUCKING PALLETS!

Option 2: Intimidate pallets.

Option 3: Pallets sleep with the fishes.

So…that is kind of where I am right now. I have pallets. That is beginning to sound funny to me. It is possible to think too much about pallets.

Pallets of DOOOOOOM!

(Hee.)

Um. Okay. In all seriousness, if the things are still there when I get home (and I just talked to my neighbor, who confirmed that they're still there now, just...hanging out in the yard), I probably will have to put up a sign. Really, this is the flat out stupidest problem I've had so far this year. It's not a crisis or some huge inconvenience or anything (although, I am really not sure what I am supposed to do with all these pallets of whatever if I can't find the owners, but being that the pallets have been there for all of six hours at this point, I should probably jump off that particular bridge when I get to it), but, it's clearly going to be a problem for somebody. I mean, usually, when a package gets delivered to you by mistake, you can call UPS! You can call the post office! FedEx! Someone! But the phone book contains no listing for "big loud truck at 6 a.m.". I mean, I didn't check, but I feel safe assuming as such.

So, Internet! WWYD? Would you blow them up? Submerge them in the neighbor's pool and see if they can swim? Paint them green and pretend they are large square bushes?

What Would Martha Stewart Do? Stencil them? Coat them in glitter? What Would Dick Cheney Do? Donald Trump? The lead singer from Twisted Sister? There are so many possibilities!

Creativity is encouraged. It's Monday; what else are you going to do? Y'all go fuck with some pallets and get back to me.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

95 Comments

I would do what I do with most of the problem that arise in my life.

Absolutely nothing. NOTHING! Nu-thin.

If it doesn't work itself out in a week or so, hey, free pallets. All of that other stuff about what if someone needs them, etc. - not your problem. I've been reading your blog for a while and I mean this in the nicest possible way but you have enough to worry about just not hurting yourself. Let someone else worry about stray pallets and where they ought to be.

Posted by: Em | April 3, 2006 01:34 PM

funny! I would second the stupid sign to alert the neighbourhood. and maybe unwrap a teensy corner of one to see what is the lumpy.... as for WWJD, hee!

Posted by: lindsay | April 3, 2006 01:34 PM

More information is needed to help you with the pallets.

Are they movable? Or are they going to stay until the kill the grass?

I'd ask "What would the Lost castaways do?", since they just got a big drop of pallets like this. :) They'd probably eat it, which won't help you.

What would I do? Well, I'd push the darn things out into the street and obstruct traffic.

Or, call the police and report "suspect" pallets on your lawn.

I thought I had a bad Monday. :)

PS, don't know why, but your post is dated April 13, not April 3. Maybe the pallets haven't been dropped yet and you can avoid them?

Posted by: Carmen | April 3, 2006 01:37 PM

Make pallets into Easter-themed yard decorations. Put overly large ears, nose and whiskers on one; make one into giant basket, complete with Easter eggs and grass. I am sure you could manage a chick out of one; maybe make one the base of your Easter tree, from which you could hang mini-money-filled plastic eggs.

Just a thought...

Posted by: jcg | April 3, 2006 01:39 PM

Well, we know what Cheney would do. He'd shoot the pallets, then go on national television to talk about how it was the worst day of his life.

The signs would be a PITA, but the longer those pallets sit there(especially in soggy weather) the more damage they're going to do to your lawn. If no one claims them in a week, I say you open up the lumpy packages, see if whatever is inside is something you can use, and if not throw it all away. If you can.

Of course, another option is to call all of the local news stations in Atlanta and pitch them a story about PALLETS OF DOOM!

Posted by: Carolyn | April 3, 2006 01:39 PM

How do you find yourself in these situations?

Posted by: Maggie | April 3, 2006 02:00 PM

I agree with Carmen. Due to the date on your post, the pallets have not arrived yet, as it is still the 3rd of April, not the 13th. So, you have a whole 10 days to move somewhere else so the pallets cannot find you and plop themselves suspiciously on your lawn.

Posted by: CLD | April 3, 2006 02:06 PM

I am dying to know where they came from. Maybe there are aliens hiding inside and you've been chosen for first contact.

Be sure to keep us updated! I probably won't sleep until I know what they are and where they came from.

Posted by: Erin | April 3, 2006 02:10 PM

Presumably, if this is landscaping stuff, perhaps it is big piles of mulch OR if they are having a new garden installed (can a garden be installed?) it may be full of manure.

In other words, you have a Pallet of SHIT on your lawn!

If that is not DOOM then I do not know what is!

Remember that you create your own reality, so when you come home, if you KNOW it will not be there when you get home, then it won't be there (for you).

That's the easiest way (or as a zen master would say the hardest way) to make it not be there any more. :)

Posted by: psichron | April 3, 2006 02:13 PM

1) WHY does this shit keep happening to you? (other than that God likes picking on you so the rest of us can have a good giggle every week or so) and...

2) Call the local news channel. Seriously. They will eat it up. Then tape it and post it on Putfile so we can all see.

Posted by: holley | April 3, 2006 02:21 PM

I'm nosey. I say rip those bad boys open under the guise that you had to see if there was a packing slip - or a brand name or store name or something. Or to see if they are waterproof, since it's raining (it is in California!)

yes, nosey. Go look. I'll wait.

Posted by: Littlehoney | April 3, 2006 02:23 PM

Well, since you're all lawyerly and shit, that sort of limits your options.
Because I am blissfully unschooled in mysterious ways and means of the legal code, I'd apply the Finder's Keepers statute and throw a big Pallet Party so my friends could share in the free beer and unwrapping of the treasures left by the Lawn Fairy.

Posted by: Susie Sunshine | April 3, 2006 02:26 PM

Open one; maybe they are filled with lumps of gold or muffins.

Posted by: karenology | April 3, 2006 02:31 PM

Well I'm lazy so I would probably just leave them there and hope that the rightful owner would realize that they never received their pallets and call the delivery truck people and be all, "Hey, dumbasses how come you never delivered my pallets?" And the truck people would be all, "We did you jackass." But then the truck people would realize that they, in fact, delivered the pallets to the wrong house and then come and get them off your lawn.

But from your list of options I would choose Jack Bauer Option 1.

Posted by: Carole | April 3, 2006 02:37 PM

Excellent suggestions! Carmen, I agree that I should provide more information, which I am only too happy to do:

The pallets are huge. Yooge, huge. They are going nowhere without the use of machinery. Fortunately, they are also not on the grass, and are on kind of the side yard thing. Where the pinestraw is. That pinestraw is now very flat, but I do not think that flat pinestraw is an issue for anyone.

Also, it has stopped raining, so possibly the pallets are less wet now.

In all of my 29 years, I have never said "pallet" as much as I have in the past seven hours. And I am someone who has ordered things from Ikea online.

P.S.: Apparently, y'all are right, and this entry was written in the future. See what happens when I try to put an accurate time stamp on my entries? I go to the future. I will fix that.

P.P.S.: PALLETS!

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 3, 2006 02:57 PM

What would the lead singer from Twisted Sister do? Why, he's not gonna take [pallets]. NO! He's not gonna take [pallets]. He's not gonna take [pallets] ANY-MO'!

And I think that is sound advice.

Posted by: jive turkey | April 3, 2006 03:17 PM

Doxie, bust you open some pallets! I don't know how you've held yourself back.
Admittedly, it's been almost two years since I took the bar, so I'm not real sure about this, but they seem to qualify as Misplaced Property. And until the person who misplaced it comes and finds it, you have full authority over the pallets.
There could be good stuff in there - get cracking! At least let Bo pee on it.

Posted by: Rebecca | April 3, 2006 03:21 PM

These pallets could very well be pods containing alien babies. If that is the case, something that you should not do that Jack Bauer would is offer them immunity. And if they are alien babies, maybe you can.... train them to do yardwork?

Posted by: Melsa | April 3, 2006 03:42 PM

Maybe it's a somewhat late April Fool's prank.

Posted by: Suz | April 3, 2006 03:48 PM

I agree with the local news station idea. I work at a news station and used to be a news producer. Here's why they would do the story:

1. You are a camera friendly young lawyer with an odd problem and funny dogs.
2. After seeing the story, either the recipent of said pallets or the company that sent them can call the news station - proving that PEOPLE WATCH! They will then do a follow up story showing how they helped. (local news loves this angle)
3. It's a local story that is kind of quirky and funny and light.

Promise them you won't call any other news outlet if they will come out and air the story in the next week. That will get them.

Posted by: erin | April 3, 2006 03:49 PM

1. Buy a picnic table.
1(a). Spray paint pallets to match picnic table (or not).
2. Move pallets around the picnic table in chair like fashion.
3. Invite lots of people to your house for dinner (or breakfast, lunch, or snacktime).
4. Sit on pallets.
5. Phone Ikea to tell them about your new lawn chair invention.
6. Ikea loves idea - Makes Miss Doxie rich so she can post full-time.

Posted by: erikaboo | April 3, 2006 03:56 PM

First, you are too hilarious...and I have ideas for the pallets, entitled "WWDD," or "What Would Donald Trump Do?"

1. Buy the pallets (thus taking care of your problem, and making you a little money on the side).
2. Renovate the pallets into a five star casino/hotel/hooker lounge; glue hair to head as to withstand gale force winds.
3. Declare bankruptcy on said casino/hotel/hooker lounge; run initially awesome TV show into the ground; buy more pallets.

Rinse and repeat.

Posted by: tkemaven | April 3, 2006 04:00 PM

Alrighty... we've got a situation here - 1) I'm having the SAME EXACT F'ing weather as you are - but I'm in southern california. It has been POURING since ...oh, a day and a half ago. Please float the pallets over to my place so that I can construct a life raft with them. That notwithstanding;

2) (seriously) Why not put a HUGE TACKY NEON SIGN on them that says, "Are these your pallets?" and then call the news. Even if the news doesn't report on it, the proper person(s) may see the sign and come by.

3) Play WWJD (What Would Jack Bristow Do?) Answers below:
-make pinchy, constipated, annoyed faces at pallets, have irritated meeting with team.
-attempt to give pallets as a baby present to new grandkid
-suspect pallets are part of an ancient cult that is scheming to take over/blow up the world; use ex-wife/ex-sister in law to manipulate them for information.

Posted by: Meepers | April 3, 2006 04:14 PM

I think my contracts professor talked about this. If you put up public notice saying stuff about how these are not your pallets, you do not want these pallets, you reject these pallets, and if someone doesn't come get these pallets RIGHT NOW, can't you charge the owner of the pallets for storage? (to be paid when they come pick their pallets up?)
Thus, I think we should consider what greedy lawyers would do -- find a way to make money off of it!!!

Posted by: Carolyn | April 3, 2006 04:18 PM

I love the Easter-themed pallet suggestion.

I think you should arrange the pallets and use them for the foundation of a weinie dog fort, complete with training area, latrine and cafeteria. Then charge area weinie dog parents good money for them to send their mis-behavin weinie dogs to weinie dog boot camp.

Use lumpy pallet goods as construction material.

Posted by: stefanie | April 3, 2006 04:53 PM

Hmm, if they are landscaping supplies I can see how they would have absolutely no identifying information on them. I did landscaping one summer in a lake community, and out boss would frequently give us tasks like, "Deliver 3 yards of top soil to 345 Garden Lane. Put it on the west side of the garage". So we would dutifully dump an enormous mountain of dirt on this not-at-home-person's lawn. If we had ever delivered it to the wrong house, they would have no idea where it came from.

The news story promises to bring the funny, but I would probably just call the cops.

Posted by: Jane | April 3, 2006 05:19 PM

In situations like this I often ask myself WWDD (What would Doxie do?)?

1) Drink wine

2) Wind up naked in public

3) Injure self

I find 2 & 3 to be less than delightful, so I usually just stop at #1. The pallets can take care of their own damn selves.

Posted by: Beverly | April 3, 2006 05:19 PM

If I were you, I would immediately go home and take pictures of the Mystery Pallets to post on my awesomely funny website, so that my readers could all reallllly get into the spirit of the "What Would You And Every Major TV Character Do With Mystery Pallets Game" (TM).

I would then take pictures of me trying out every suggestion, because blowing up the pallets with Kim Bauer inside would = awesome!

Posted by: Corey | April 3, 2006 05:19 PM

Only you, dearie, would have mysterious pallets delivered to your door, and in the future, no less.

No idea of the name of the truck company? Then I'd definitely go with the media blitz. I do wonder, though, if it work the same as getting free stuff in the mail; if they send it unordered by you, you get to keep it. Any stray Explorer deliveries can be routed to me, by the way.

Or put out fun little signs "Found: big pallet with unidentified crap on it. Answers to 'Bud.' In jeopardy due to dogs threatening to pee on it. Call BR549."

Posted by: Miss Fish | April 3, 2006 05:23 PM

Oh, and please blow it up if Kim is inside.

Posted by: Miss Fish | April 3, 2006 05:24 PM

Protocol! You made me thirsty!

My own personal pallet plan is to sit on them and get drunk. You should join me.

Posted by: Robyn | April 3, 2006 05:31 PM

My co-workers and I believe that the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes baby is an alien baby. I believe their alien baby has been delivered to you, in these pallets.

Build spaceship and immediately send back to space.

Posted by: e-liz | April 3, 2006 05:37 PM

I agree, open them! But just a little though, just in case it is landscaping type stuff that could potentially stink. Or spill all over the yard.

If it's something boring like landscape stuff...I don't know. Ignore it? Put an ad in the paper? Sell it to a landscaper? Put christmas lights on it and say it's art?

If it's sod, you could build a golf course and make little kids give you money so they can putt in your yard. You could have dogs randomly placed on the course, so instead of a sandtrap, there would be Bo.

I would probably ignore them for about a day, then cover them in christmas lights. Then buy every pink lawn flamingo I could find and stick them in the top, put lights on them, then have drink and bask in the tacky awesome-ness of it.

Posted by: Sally | April 3, 2006 05:48 PM

What would George Bush do?

He would ignore the problem pallets in YOUR yard and locate, invade and stalk pallets in someone ELSE'S yard.

After shooting said OTHER pallets, he would cry and explain "that's what you have to do for peace".

I do not recommend this strategy.

Posted by: Suzanne | April 3, 2006 06:37 PM

I have a t-shirt I made that says "WWJDD," which means "What would J.D. Do?"

J.D. is my brother, and I live my life by asking myself what he would do and then doing the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

Por ejemplo: I am pulled over by grizzled trooper one year from retirement who lectures me on speeding and makes me angry because I get it. I go fast. You no like. You give ticket. No need to be a jerk about it.

But now I am angry and I want to DO SOMETHING about the rude policeman. But what? "What would JD do?" And the answer: JD would punch that cop right in the face.

See how handy? Now I know that I should not punch that cop in the face. I should give that cop flowers. Flowers may not get me out of a ticket, but it will also not get thrown in jail.

So, when considering what to do about your pallets, ask yourself: What would JD do? The answer: JD would punch that pallet right in the face. And now you know what you should NOT do. And you are one step closer to an answer.

Posted by: Stacey | April 3, 2006 07:04 PM

Beware the mysterious pallets! What if they're like some kind of Trojan horse thing and unwrapping them unleashes a horde of armed, albeit tiny, soldiers? I think any of the Jack Bauer solutions are your best options. BUT! You could also combine the efforts of Jack and Bo, creating the most cunning anti-pallet force imaginable. You'd need to get a tiny transmitter for Bo to wear in his ear, so he could report back to the CPU (Counter-Pallet Unit).

Good luck. Stay safe.

Posted by: catherino | April 3, 2006 07:11 PM

The Donald would simply walk out there, look menacingly at them and say, "YOUR FIRED!"

Posted by: Brighton | April 3, 2006 07:29 PM

A lot of weird shit happens to you Doxie.

I would call all the landscaping places near by and ask them if they delivered a mystery package to you...

I would also figure out what the hell is in the pallets.

Maybe the stupid guys in the truck will eventually figure out that they screwed up and they'll come back for the pallets tomorrow at 6am.

Posted by: Lani | April 3, 2006 07:33 PM

My first thought was that lost and found posters were in order, but the local news idea is better.

Honestly, I am really utterly baffled as to how one should behave in your situation. You must write about how you do deal with them so that I know what to do when confronted by strange huge pallets in my yard.

(or what not to do, but, you know.)

Posted by: Anne | April 3, 2006 08:14 PM

Hmm, as a person who has frequently worked with pallets of lumpy, shrinkwrapped material, I strongly suggest AGAINST opening them up. Especially if water-falling-from-sky is possible, or dog-peeing-on-them is probable. Sometimes pallets of lumpy shrinkwrapped bags contain substances that react poorly to water (i.e. get even more lumpy and then gooey in such a fashion that it is nearly impossible to ever clean up). This stuff is called bentonite. EWW.

The optimal suggestions so far, IMO, include:
1) DO Sell them on ebay (be sure you have the buyer deal with shipping)
2) Call the TV channel
3) Figure out another way to make money from them.

A combo suggestion: Create a giant Easter/Spring celebratory sculpture out of pallets while drinking wine. Then, call the TV station and announce that you will auction the Pallet Sculpture with all proceeds going to the local Bunny Rescue (see www.rabbit.org for house rabbit rescue info). When owner/deliverer of pre-Sculpture pallet shows up, charge them rent for storing said pallets.

Thanks for asking the Innernet for help. I have no doubt you'll find an entertaining solution.

Posted by: DurtGrrl | April 3, 2006 08:49 PM

I'd start calling everyone you know or have ever known and start the conversation with, "Ha! You got me!" and see who laughs maniacally first.

It's a completely viable option since you call them up to tell them about inserting DVDs into a player all by yourself and such things.

Posted by: Serenity | April 3, 2006 09:34 PM

Oh, they left off the card... they are a lifetime supply of doxie kibble from your enthralled readers... sorry to have to spill the surprise. No wonder the dogs were so excited! And thank goodness you didn't un-shrink-wrap in the rain...

Posted by: pennyhoney | April 3, 2006 09:53 PM

I think you should stand in your driveway and sing "Make Me a Pallet on the Floor." Loudly. With the little doggies accompanying you. Eventually someone will get tired of the racket (from the dogs, I mean, not you; I'm sure your singing would not be classified as "racket") and come take the pallets away so you and your little band of dogs will no longer serenade them.

Posted by: Elizabeth | April 3, 2006 09:54 PM

You could:

1) Name the pallets and take pictures of them and describe their nutty(yet sedentary)antics on the internet for the amusement of others.

2) Have a pallet party (not sure what this would entail. And why do I have to think of everything?

3) Spray them with sealant and make them into lawn furniture.

4) Get Lassie. Ask 'Where's the truck, girl? Where is it? Find the truck!'. You could also try this with Bo, but I suspect he would lead you to the woods and leave you there as punishment for treating him like a dog.

Posted by: Contrary | April 3, 2006 11:27 PM

Call the Salvation Army and donate the pallets.

They came and picked-up my 1997 Escort which didn't even run, and I got a tax break.

Or tape a sign on the pallets that says "FREE BEER POWDER".

They will be gone by morning.

Good luck with your pallets! Don't trip over them!

:-)

Posted by: jozet | April 3, 2006 11:51 PM

Sell them on EBay. I'll open the bid at 99 cents. Seller to pay all shipping costs.

Posted by: Miz | April 4, 2006 12:12 AM

I like the calling the TV station idea. But maybe just because you're so pretty, and would look good on TV.

Posted by: Heather | April 4, 2006 01:53 AM

Mystery pallets!!! Fun!!
What you do with it all depends on how much you hate your neighbors.
Like if you were me and all your neighbors thought you were a drunk just because you can never seem to make it up your driveway without landing on your ass, you would put little tiki torches around the pallets and add little goth like statues. And maybe those headstones from halloween. Then you would go out in the dark dressed in black chanting something like "Oh Great Pallets of Doom! Do my Bidding! But be quiet becausxe my neighbors are watching! Now grow oh Great Mystery Pallets!" and you know, maybe raise your arms over your heads and hop walk around them.

But I guess if you like your neighbors that wouldn't be a good idea. Or if you know, they already thought you were crazy and might call for help.


You could always put a 'free' sign on them and hope for the best.

Posted by: Mrs X | April 4, 2006 02:26 AM

And I'm assuming that you really only have one head so consider 'your arms over your heads' a typo.

Posted by: Mrs X | April 4, 2006 02:27 AM

Ok.. if you're not going to open it just a wee bit.. which I still suggest you do to find out wtf is in there.. then just put a big sign on it that says 'FREE!' Everyone loves free. I mean, who doesn't? Pallet O' Free! Free Pallets of.. something! OR I know! Let the neighbor kids make it into a lemondade stand.. OR throw a big neighborhood What's-with-the-pallets party.. someone's bound to come up w/ a good resolution or at least what you could do in the meantime.. and if not.. just drink some wine. I'm all for that.

Posted by: Miss Devylish | April 4, 2006 02:35 AM

Open that shit up! It could be lumps of gold AND muffins! Or rocks, but you never know unless you look.

Or, hey -- maybe Dukay has sent you a present! Maybe they are pallets of LOOOOOVE!

In any event: "Really, this is the flat out stupidest problem I've had so far this year."

That sentence = awesome.

Posted by: Jenny | April 4, 2006 08:26 AM

Probably already been said, but Dick Cheney would of course have a beer and then shoot them because they snuck up on him without announcing their arrival.

That really is a hillariously stuipid problem. Can't wait to hear how it is resolved!

Posted by: Jessie | April 4, 2006 09:21 AM

It is Pallet Party time. If your curiousity has not got the better of you by the time you have read your copious amount of suggestions then I suggest inviting everyone that you know over to celebrate the landing of the pallets! There could be Barbecue and adult beverages. Some fun party games could be - "Guess how many times the wee small brown weiners will bit party guests" and "Guess what is under the pallet wrapping". Invite the Damn Millionaires to be the entertainment. Sell tickets and make some money. What an event!!! Doxie does Block Party. I see a news event with national coverage! Bring on Doxie Block Party stories!!!

Posted by: Diane | April 4, 2006 09:28 AM

I think the most important question is WWTCD? Where the T and C stand for Tom and Cruise.

1. Jump up and down on pallets expressing his love for them

2. Tell pallets not to be depressed at being delivered to the wrong address and not to take mind altering drugs.

3. Convert pallets to Scientology

4. Artificially inseminate pallets to begin world domination and also to allow him to pretend he's not at all gay.

Posted by: Morgan | April 4, 2006 09:31 AM

It's time for Ms. Doxie to conquer yet another medium of communication, i.e., television. Call a news conference and get your Doxie on, girl! You think you have a following now???? Wait till the TV watching public gets a load of you! (pun intended) Just do it! And put the video on here where we can enjoy it. Don't forget to be holding a few dogs while on camera. We are waiting....

Posted by: Daffy | April 4, 2006 10:10 AM

The question everyone's pondering---What Would Paula do?

1. Straight UP now tell the pallets if it's her and them forever.
2. Use as yet ANOTHER excuse to get coked out of her mind. (Get it, Coke, like COKE...like the shameless product placement on Idol...)
3. Hug them, turn away from them, make joke about sexual chemistry between her and her pallets (must be why she's on so many drugs, iTHE PALLETS!), spurn pallets, threaten to slap pallets.
4. Explain desire to have inappropriate relationship with pallets.
5. Have inappropriate relations with pallets.
6. Do more heroin.
7. Re-explain regret over not doing that Barry Manilow/Paula Abdul sing the duet's of the Roaring 20's album.

I'm spent. Good luck!

Posted by: andy | April 4, 2006 10:13 AM

I know what you all are thinking to yourselves - WWDHD? (What Would the Desperate Housewives Do?)

Bree would...tear open into the pallets and use them in some way to beautify her lawn (assuming they're landscaping supplies, which I am), while also possibly poisoning them.

Lynette would...let her boys build a not-up-to-safety-codes playfort out of the pallets while she watches on exhaustedly.

Gabrielle would...have sex with the pallets, assuming they're under the age of 16.

Susan would...fall, trip, and otherwise harm her bodily self on the pallets. Probably naked.

DING! DING! DING! I think we have a winner for what Doxie will probably do.

Posted by: Jamila | April 4, 2006 10:29 AM

While I'm suggesting, why not call the local newspaper as well? Have them send a reporter and a photographer over. Can you see the headline? "LOCAL INTERNET CELEBRITY GETS DUMPED ON". The story can be just blah, blah, if this is your shit, come get it. But you will conquer the print medium, too!!!! Look pretty and stand in front of the piles of crap holding as many dogs as you can. Self-promotion and aggrandizement, that's the ticket. It's a J-given opportunity! Don't hide your light under a bushel. It's in the Bible.

Posted by: Daffy | April 4, 2006 10:31 AM

Poor you! I'm also a fan of calling a local tv station. I think that'd make for some excellent news. It really would be a great human interest story. You could cry a lot about how the pallets are ruining your life. Although, letting Bo pee on them would be fun to watch as well.

Posted by: Erin | April 4, 2006 10:38 AM

I always ask "What would Elvis Costello do?" And I think that what he would do is say "Then we are all FUCKED" in a very loud voice (as he does on the new Burt Bachrach anti-war song). Then he would go and drink a lot of gin. And then he would write a song about the whole business. You might try that.

Posted by: Gretchen | April 4, 2006 01:13 PM

What would Paris Hilton do?

"Pallets are hott."

What would Chloe do?

(scrunched up, pinched face) "These pallets are not my problem."

Posted by: New Jan Brady | April 4, 2006 01:31 PM

I love the Chloe comment!

My husband and I think you should wrap the pallets in crime scene tape. If the Big Truck comes back to get them, it will give THEM something to worry about.

Posted by: Wendi | April 4, 2006 01:54 PM

I think you should wrap it in crime scene tape THEN call the local media. I'm CERTAIN it's Jimmy Hoffa in there...with Tom and Katie's alien baby. You'll be splashed on the cover of every supermarket tabloid! Make sure the paparazzi get a nice picture of you with the dogs.

Posted by: Leesavee | April 4, 2006 02:35 PM

I say Open a pallet and go with ebay if not claimed quickly. In fact, screw waiting, Ebay first, claim ignorance later

Posted by: Kara | April 4, 2006 03:32 PM

I tried to think along the lines of WWMDD (What would Miss Doxie do?).
1. Get drunk and hope pallets go away.
2. Kick pallets until you realize pallets are stronger than your foot.
3. Let Bo deal with pallets.
4. Open pallets in case they contain shoes disguised as strange lumpy material.

Posted by: jennifer | April 4, 2006 03:39 PM

Hands down, best comments ever. Y'all have me laughing out loud.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 4, 2006 04:49 PM

Just curious, but why is Bo the most popular of your dogs?

Posted by: jenn | April 4, 2006 04:58 PM

I think the absolute most important thing we've learned today, and possibly the whole entire reason the pallets were desposited on your lawn, is that most of us would like to blow up Kim Bauer immediately! The pallets have caused us to bond in our hatred of Kim and our amazement that Jack hasn't slapped the ever-lovin' shit outta her yet!

Posted by: Jessica | April 4, 2006 05:09 PM

I would do one of two things:

Option 1: Wait until 2:00 AM. Push pallets into neighbor's yard. Not your problem anymore.

Option 2: Make chocolate martinis. Drink. Repeat.

"Pallets" is an awfully funny word, isn't it?

Posted by: Noelle | April 4, 2006 05:44 PM

Well, my dachshunds name is Pepper. So.. here's the scenario for What Would Pepper Do?
*Dig furiously at pallets
*Try to eat contents of pallets
*Bark obsessively at pallets until someone else comes and moves it for you

So, given the choices, I vote for stand outside and yell at the pallets until the neighbors begin to stare. Then one of them will say, "Oh my, could those be MY pallets in Doxie's yard? I must go and retrieve them at once!" Hey...it always works for Pepper.

Although, I'd definitely enjoy seeing you on the evening news, lol. Good luck.

Posted by: Radiantsky | April 4, 2006 05:45 PM

I can't believe you just got those, they were supposed to be delivered for your birthday. We all chipped in and just knew you would love them.

Posted by: Jonester | April 4, 2006 05:58 PM

Since I'm a nurse and we loooooove to give enema's...how 'bout slice a little hole in the back of one of the pallets and slip a big ol' Fleet enema in. Then wait...oh, 5 minutes. You'll definately find out the contents that way.

Posted by: Jess | April 4, 2006 06:26 PM

What would Randy Jackson do?

1. Tell the palettes that they need to “work it out” and find out where they should to be delivered and then defer to the dawg pound for whoops and howls as Bo leads the chorus. Whoop Whoop Whoop. And this is Bo, the daschund, of course, and not Bo Bice. Although former Idol contestant Bo Bice in your front lawn might generate some interest in said palettes, especially if Bo the daschund peed on him.

2. Tell the palettes that they are just “aight” but certainly didn’t give their best effort at being delivered, for the mere fact that they showed up at the wrong house at 6am. In fact, the beep beep beeps of the truck were a little pitchy. Neighbors may be encouraged to vote the palettes off of Doxie’s lawn.

3. Advise palettes that they chose the wrong house to be delivered to – a house that really didn’t work with their landscape capabilities, a house that limited their remodeling potential and didn’t show off their grassy range.

Posted by: Alison | April 4, 2006 06:46 PM

What Would Bono Do? (A varation of WWJD).

1. Distribute pallets to residents of indebted African nations.

2. Load pallets onto the back of a flat-bed truck and drive through a major American city serenading the masses.

3. Use pallets to support giant mirrored lemon used as a prop at the 10 rescheduled concerts at the end of the tour.

4. Give contents of pallets to Republican senators in the attempt to lobby them to reduce African debt even further.

5. Table for the 21 Grammies U2 has won.

Crap, I'm all out now.

Posted by: Peyton | April 4, 2006 07:35 PM

WWAJD? (What would Angelina Jolie do?)
- Claim that she has no interest in stealing anyone else's pallets, even when they're all but thrown at her - she's not that kind of person; at the same time, secretly hatch plans to move them into her garage.
- Announce that pallets have come from a disadvantaged nation and that she is adopting them.
- Quite possibly take a knife to them - you never know, because she's wild at heart and sometimes just feels so much love for the pallets that she gets all stabby.

- Decide in a few months that keeping the pallets was a really bad idea and that even though she tried to love them they're toxic to her, and banish them from her life.

Posted by: Tracy | April 4, 2006 08:21 PM

The *real* question is WWTPD? What Would The Pallets Do?

(Other than lay there.)

Posted by: liz | April 4, 2006 08:22 PM

What would Cassiopeia do?

Clearly, she would think of the sneakiest person she knows--the one who would be most likely to play a pallet-dumping April Fools prank on the poor Miss Doxie--then sneak over to his/her house at night and put 200 pink flamingos in said prankster's yard. If he/she figures it out and confesses, yay! If not....mua ha ha.

Posted by: Cassiopeia | April 4, 2006 09:41 PM

WWKCD?

What would Katie Couric do?

1.greet palletts in an cheery voice, luring them into a false sense of security.

2.interrogate palletts and use perky voice to hypnotize palletts into exposing their origin and intended destination

3.feign sympathy for palletts

3.switch to a segment on underwater basket weaving.

Posted by: sue | April 4, 2006 10:40 PM

Now Sundry (of sundrymourning.com) would probably ask WWJDD? (What would JD do?) And since he's a handy kinda guy, he'd probably do some landscaping with the landscaping stuff you think may be on the pallets. Then have a bonfire with the actual wooden pallets to get rid of the evidence, uh, I mean celebrate your lawn's new look. When the big truck returns, it will not recognize your lawn as being the former repository for wayward pallets, since it will be a BRAND! NEW! LANDSCAPE! And thus you will have been able to wreak revenge on the noisy truck people.

Posted by: Shawna | April 4, 2006 11:02 PM

not really a funny suggestion, but it might actually get rid of said pallets: get up a little before 6:00 (ungodly, I know)... go outside and sit on/stand next to the pallets. Wait- look for any neighbors who seem to have an early morning jogging routines (or who leave really early for work)- flag them down and interogate them to see if they witnessed the truck that deposited the pallets in your yard- preferably a company name/liscense plate number! Once that's done- go back to bed and wait for the sound of the barking dogs to let you know the mysterious truck has returned to remove the pallets.

Posted by: Julia | April 4, 2006 11:39 PM

Doxie is your blog always this entertaining? I think it's my new favorite thing in the whole world...

Re: pallets...
1. Please give us pallet pix!
2. Definitely. Kim. Bauer. Inside. Kablooey.

Posted by: Susan | April 4, 2006 11:59 PM

WWJPD? (What would Jeff Probst do?)

1. Suggest that pallets get naked and leave their perches, all for some peanut butter and chocolate.

2. Gather pallets in the tribal council area and ask questions with the sole intention of starting shit among the pallets.

3. Tally the votes.

Posted by: Bea | April 5, 2006 01:01 AM

We must have pictures of the pallets to see what they might contain. Also pictures of any Sharpie information.

Perhaps then we can surmise their contents, or decipher Sharpie language.

(Or laugh at ridiculousness of predicament.)

WWID - What would internets do?

Do you live on a street name that is close to another street name? Like North 14th Street, when there is a South 14th Street? Or do you live on Doxie Drive, where there is a Doxie Boulevard? Or do you live at 1234 Doxie Drive, but two blocks over there is a 1234 Emerson Street?

Maybe that is a way to use the internets to solve this grand mystery?

Lastly, set up a domain name, with pictures of the pallets (and additional pictures of pallets dressed up in Easter fare, or Memorial Day flags, etc - in case they are more recognizable in other "clothing") and a big ass sign saying - It's April XX, Do you know where your pallets are?" or signage rotating through like "Found - X Pallets" "Missing XX days - Pallets."

Fun for everyone. Photoshop the pallets in Paris, in Egypt....

Pallets!

Posted by: Boulder | April 5, 2006 05:46 AM

I would suggest a connection between the mysterious pallets and the equally mysterious visit from the water department.

Clearly, these people weren't actually from the water department, and are, in fact, attempting to poison the water supply. Booby trap the pallets and call the actual water department to let them know what's up!

Posted by: Darren James Harkness | April 5, 2006 11:53 AM

As yourself WWTBD? (Where the TB is not Tuberculosis but rather Tyra Banks).
1. Take pictures of Pallets w/spider, cockroach, or similar.
2. Stand in front of pallets looking grim/sad
3. Announce that there are (X) beautiful pallets standing (sitting?) in front of you, but you only have (X minus 1) photographs in your hand. Each photo represents a pallet still in the running to become America's Next Top Pallet.
4. Pallet whose name is not called will burst into tears and leave the yard.
5. Repeat.

Posted by: Alexa | April 5, 2006 11:55 AM

I'm with the crime scene tape!

Also, kudos to durt girl who suggested they might be filled bentonite! Stay clear of that stuff.


Posted by: lisame | April 5, 2006 12:52 PM

I can't believe no one has asked what Brian Boitono do. I mean... not that I know, but now I can't get that damn South Park song out of my head.

Posted by: Erin | April 5, 2006 01:30 PM

Gimmme and the other dogs (sorry, can't remember their names) got together to play a practical joke on Bo. They are tired of him getting all the attention so they wanted to give him something to signify their feelings toward him. (piles of shit)

Share the limelight Bo!!

Also, they knew you would write about it thus satisfying your adoring fans who have no life a live for Doxie blog entries.

Posted by: Beth | April 5, 2006 02:56 PM

Perhaps the dogs have ordered mashed potatoes in bulk?

Posted by: Jenny | April 5, 2006 03:00 PM

Speechless.
But curious. Keep us updated.

Posted by: Lizzie P | April 5, 2006 03:02 PM

Put up signs on pallets and in neighborhood. If they were mine and I saw pallets in your yard I would assume you placed order too. Forget unknown nursery sending truck back to collect mistaken delivery. That guy is either fired or quit because he couldn't remember your address.

If no reply to signs open pallets enough to see contents and improve your yard or call parents,friends, and family to share in bounty.

Buy a wheelbarrow for Dukay to move contents around property. DO NOT attempt to distribute stuff yourself. You will get hurt or a splinter followed by infection or equally disasterous results.

Posted by: mackmomma | April 5, 2006 03:08 PM

Howdy-Doody, buckAroos! Y'all come back now, y'heer?

Posted by: Kold | April 6, 2006 12:17 PM

Dang, girl! I've puzzled and puzzled over what those lumps could be and I've done GOT IT! It's shrink wrapped Giant Easter Bunny shit. You know, kinda like when Santa leaves lumps of coal for bad kids? Guess he's got your number, sugar. :-)

As for what Jack Bauer would do...let's address what Jack WOULDN'T do where the pallets are involved. He wouldn't pee, that's for sure. He never pees unless he's got some trucker-hose-gallon jug rigged up in one of those fine SUV's he borrows from the government even though he doesn't work for them anymore.

He wouldn't get any nooky, at all.

He wouldn't stand in front of the pallets, give a huge belly laugh, and say, "Damn, the weirdest shit happens at Doxie's house. Let's go have a beer."

He wouldn't remind those pallets that he's saved the country those sorry, undeserving pallets are lounging around in for about the umpteenth freakin' time so they should let him have a life!

He wouldn't just shoot that little hobbit who came in and tried to take over CTU and let his stupid dopehead sister get his keycard! OH NO! JACK WAS ABLE TO GET THE LITTLE GOOBER GASSED AND SAVE ALL THE MAJOR CHARACTERS "(EXCEPT FOR THE FAT GUY, WHO'S NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER,?) EVEN THOUGH HE WOULD HAVE DONE IT HIMSELF BECAUSE HE HAS A DEATH WISH AND PROBABLY STILL HAS THAT HEROIN PROBLEM AND....

Wait...what were we talking about?

Posted by: woman in the shoe | April 6, 2006 11:25 PM

my favorite "WW_D" is one coined by a friend of mine: "What Would My Vagina Do?" (WWMVD?). i have a bracelet and everything!

and really, your vagina DOES know best.

Posted by: sweetney | April 17, 2006 11:01 PM

Does anyone speak Sharpie?

Can anyone translate Sharpie?

Posted by: Sarah | June 2, 2006 07:25 PM

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