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Seriously, You Guys, It Wasn't My Skull

April 05, 2006

Okay, y'all. So I got home Monday evening, and the pallets? GONE. They were GONE. I almost cried. We had such big plans.

They left as mysteriously as they came. No note. Not even a post-it. They violated my pinestraw and left no token of affection. No memorabilia of love; no recollection of adoration! The pallets just used my yard. The pallets were bastard pallets.

However, I am not at all sorry for that imposition, because I must say that the comments section of the last entry was the funniest damn thing I have ever read. I was laughing out loud, reading them to Dukay, tears running down my face, while he looked at me, all, "You should be heavily medicated." Whatever. Y'all are funny.

And, hello! So, here is the news I have today, and that is YOU GUYS. My SISTER'S NAME was on television last night. We are ever so excited.

She worked on that show Teachers, and was mentioned in the credits. And her name was not on the screen for long, but it was there, and it was quicklikethis but still, her whole name! And we all screamed and jumped around yelling I SAW IT I SAW IT DID YOU SEE IT I SAW IT and I immediately called my mother who answered and she was screaming I SAW IT I SAW IT and the phone was ringing off the hook and everyone in Atlanta was apparently jumping up and down because my sister is almost famous now.

(If you would like to support my family members and also maybe see realquicklikethis my sister's name, y'all watch Teachers next week. Especially if you, I don't know. Have a Nielson box in your home. Then please watch Teachers constantly, because they need this show to be picked up, and then my sister will be almost famous-er, and maybe she will buy me an island. Any path gets me closer to owning an island is a path I will choose to take. You cannot argue with my logic here.)

So, naturally, upon seeing Ziz's name, it was immediately necessary to call her and squeal some more. This is how the squealing went:

Phone: Rings.

Ziz: Hello?

Self: ZIZ! Your NAME was on the TELEVISION! Are you so excited?

Ziz: I actually missed it, because I was working, but, yes! For a fraction of a second, I ruled.

Self: You DO rule! Go, you. Hanging with all the famous people…

Ziz: I know!

Self: …kissing all the famous peo—

Ziz: WHOA THERE. HALT. NO. You may NOT write about my love life on your website.

Self: Who said write? I would never –

Ziz: I hear you typing, liar.

Self: Okay, yes, dammit, but there you are all big in L.A., and you call and tell me these incredible stories, and I have to just sit on all this good gossip.

Ziz: Yeah, I cry for you.

Self: SIGH. You are really testing my loyalties here, little lady.

Ziz: See, and I can do that, because I was vaguely famous for a fraction of a second.

Self: Yeah. But, dude, can’t you give me something to write about? A snippet? I just need a snippet!

Ziz: What, about a famous person?

Self: Yeah! Anything. Even just a sighting or something. I can still make nineteen paragraphs out of it, for I am wordy.

Ziz: Yeah, so I noticed. Okay, let me think. Hmm. There's...Oh!

Self: ?

Ziz: Okay: So, today, Mel Brooks asked to hold my hair.

Self:

Ziz: He’s really nice.

Self: How do you…what?

Ziz: What, what?

Self: “Hold your hair”?

Ziz: Yeah, it was raining.

Self: And…okay, I fail to see how that particular fact is relevant, but I mean, are we talking about the hair that is attached to your head, currently? Or do you have some alternate hair? Hair that is independent from your scalp?

Ziz: No, my hair. Attached-to-my-scalp hair.

Self: I…what?

Ziz: See, it was raining, and my hair was all frizzy when I went into the studio, and Mel Brooks walked up to me and handed me an umbrella and said, “Do you know what this is?”

Self: Aw! Mel Brooks made a funny at you!

Ziz: I know! He is adorable. And I laughed and said, yeah, I understand the concept, but I am only a lowly production assistant and they do not let me work with the big equipment yet. And then he asked to hold my hair.

Self: See, and this is where you are losing me again. “Hold your hair.”

Ziz: Like, touch it or whatever.

Self: Huh.

Ziz: Because it was all frizzy and crazy from the rain. Everyone always wants to touch my hair.

Self: And…did you let him?

Ziz: Shit, yeah! It’s Mel Brooks!

Self: Yeah, I totally would have let him touch my hair, too.

Ziz: I wanted to tell him I’ve gone to plaid. Or that funny, he doesn’t look Druish. Something to let him know that I think he is awesome.

Self: Well, you let him hold your hair. Not everyone gets such special treatment.

Ziz: Very true. Like, if Tom Cruise wanted to hold my hair, I would have him arrested.

Self: Yeah.

Ziz: Yeah.


(pause.)


Self: So, one time Gerald McRaney held my skull.

Ziz: OH, HERE WE GO.

Self: What?

Ziz: Do you ever not have a story? Seriously. I can go all day telling people that Mel Brooks held my hair and everyone will just look at me, all stunned, because how do you compete with that? You can’t. Until I tell you, and OF FUCKING COURSE you’re all, well, Gerald McSomeone held my skull.

Self: McRaney! He was Major Dad!

Ziz: And he…oh yeah, I remember him. So, fine, go on and tell me, I know you're just dying to get this out. He held your skull.

Self: Yeah. Well, not mine personally, but a skull I had with me at the time.

Ziz: Wait, what the hell are you talking about? You were carrying a spare skull? Are you studying forensics on the side?

Self: No, it was—

Ziz: I’m sorry, is this phone call interrupting your important archeological dig?

Self: NO, I –

Ziz: Be honest. There’s a femur in your handbag right now. Isn’t there.

Self: SHUT UP. It was not a person skull it was a cow skull thing.

Ziz: Yeah, that’s waaaaaay more normal.

Self: No, it was like a tourist souvenir from New Mexico or whatever, and…

Ziz: Listen, you can justify this all you want, but you might as well not bother. This phone call is definitely being tapped by this point. You just went up on about seven watch lists, Miss Travels With Skull.

Self: On a plane!

Ziz: You took a skull on a plane? HEY FBI! DID YOU GET THAT? MY SISTER TOOK A SKULL ON A PLANE. ALSO I THINK SHE HATES FREEDOM.

Self: Listen, it is a long story, and it was not mine, but I did find myself in the position of flying back from New Mexico with a big old cow skull, or bull skull, or some damn thing, in a canvas sack.

Ziz: Sure thing, Georgia O’Keefe.

Self: And it was all delicate and breaky, and so I carried it with me on the plane, and put it in the overhead compartment…

Ziz: You put a fucking head in the overhead compartment? Of an airplane?

Self: Um. Yes.

Ziz: Wait, this is truly beginning to disturb me. How the fuck did you get through security with a fucking HEAD?

Self: I guess they see them a lot. It’s a big tourist item, they didn’t even look twice at my traveling head.

Ziz: This may be the most alarming thing I’ve ever heard, and yet I must hear more. Go on. So you are traveling with a skull in the overhead compartment –

Self: Yeah, only it shifted around up there during the flight, and so when I tried to get it out when we landed, I couldn’t reach it.

Ziz: Uh huh.

Self: So I’m hopping up and down and trying to get my arms back there when the man in the seat behind me goes, “Allow me,” and reaches in there and grabs the sack, and pulls it out.

Ziz: Uh huh.

Self: And it was Major Dad! And I was about to thank him when he glanced inside the sack, and did a double take, and looked at me, and then looked at the bag, and then opened the bag, and then looked at me, and I was like, “…”, and he was like, ‘Here’s your…head,” and I said, “Thank you Major Dad,” and then he got off the plane very fast.

Ziz: And went immediately to the nearest police station.

Self: Most likely. I was traveling with head.

Ziz: Huh. I really – yeah, I don’t have any response except “huh.”

Self: It’s weird, though, isn’t it? Mel Brooks held your hair. Gerald McRaney held my skull.

Ziz: Yes. What an unusual “coincidence.”

Self: We are destined to have body parts held by famous people!

Ziz: It’s like a super power we can’t control! If only we could choose the part. And the person.

Self: Yeah, I’d take “boobs” and “George Clooney.”

Ziz: “Butt” and “Kiefer Sutherland.”

Self: Sigh. Those are way better than “left ear” and “Tony Danza.”

Ziz: “Little toe” and “Steven Segal.”

Self: Oh, ew. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do I want these people to hold my parts.

Ziz: Well, stay out of L.A., then. I don’t think I can protect you. It is your destiny.

Self: Some help you are. Here I am, thinking you’re all important after your name was on the television for a fraction of a second.

Ziz: Shut up. I am totally famous now.

Self: Yeah, you – hey! You are!

Ziz: Damn skippy.

Self: So…Ziz?

Ziz: Wha-- oh. NO.

Self: Will you…hold my spleen? It’s just so heavy, and –

Ziz: (click)

Self: warm, and…hello?

Ziz: (dial tone)

Self: …hee. Funny to me, though.

So, there you go. Famous people hold our stuff. It is not something we can control; it is a force of nature too strong to be reckoned with. I am hoping this ultimately leads to groping with Jude Law, but I think we all know that will never happen. No. That is not how my life works. Instead, the next time I wear a bathing suit, I'll run into a handsy Gary Busey, and will be forced to hide behind some nearby pallets until the nightmare finally -- and mercifully -- ends.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

76 Comments

No one's ever held my anything. You and Ziz are so much cooler than me.

I did hold Amy Grant's daughter once, but that's me holding progeny of famous person, not famous person holding my body part, so it doesn't really fit in the conversation.

Posted by: Marcia | April 5, 2006 03:08 PM

Holy Crapola! TWO Doxie posts within the space of three days. I think this might violate some kind of space-time continuum and cause a dark hole to appear where my computer monitor sits.

Oh, and "Boobs" and "George Clooney" -- good one.

Posted by: Jen | April 5, 2006 03:09 PM

I'm glad your pallets went as quickly as they came.

I like the audience participation segment of your last post! You should do that more often!

Posted by: Lizzie P | April 5, 2006 03:10 PM

Ummm...Martina Navratilova held my hand once, which I realize could be the start of an interesting story, but really she was just shaking it hello. I think that was the case, anyway.

Also, I think pallets were commandeered by the Scientologists for the whole world domination thing.

Posted by: Morgan | April 5, 2006 03:23 PM

I'm just LMAO at you and Ziz!

Sadly, I don't think I've ever had a famous person hold one of my body parts. I did have to decline Roma Downey's (from Touched by an Angel) credit card once, though. She was over her limit.

Posted by: Carolyn | April 5, 2006 03:28 PM

Kip Winger held my butt at a concert once, but I'm not sure if that counts as a 'famous person holding my body parts' story or more as a 'Jesus, I'm old and my memories they be pathetic' story. Since the aforementioned event happened in 1990, I'm forced to go with the latter option. Dammit.

Oh, and then there was the time I was this () close to touching Judge Judy at a shoe store. Is that worth, like, half a point or something? I mean, come on... JUDGE JUDY!

Posted by: Nola | April 5, 2006 03:30 PM

OH! I watched Teachers last night! But, I didn't see Ziz's name and I do not have a Neilson Box. I know, I know, I'm worthless.

I'm totally LMAO at "boobs and George Clooney" and "butt and Keifer". Y'all are too funny.

Posted by: FourThumbsUp | April 5, 2006 03:55 PM

"Thank you Major Dad"

That was hilarious!

Thanks MD :)

Posted by: psichron | April 5, 2006 04:07 PM

I've totally met Gerald McRaney at his store in Collins, Mississippi. He held my waist.

Is waist a body part???

Posted by: Stefanie | April 5, 2006 04:48 PM

don't cry about the Pellets. Even pellets have to move one.

Lucky, lucky, lucky Ziz who gets to be an assistant on the show where Justin Bartha works! Tell Ziz his biggest fan is a Swedish blonde, currently single :D

Posted by: Anna | April 5, 2006 04:56 PM

I actually watched Teachers last night. I actually AM a real live teacher so when I saw a show with that title, I HAD to watch.

Now...um....it was an interesting show. Really. But...a little unrealistic. Do you have ANY idea how much shit I'd be in if I took my students to a play that I was told not to take them to? I'd be in deep, deep doodoo. AND Romeo and Juliet is a major part of the curriculum (up here in Canada, eh). It would have made more sense for the kids to not see To Kill a Mockingbird or something...because people are always bitching about that book...but Romeo and Juliet? Come on!

But parts of it were very realistic. Like the skanky teacher that works at "Headlights". Because I too, work at Hooters, in order to pay off my student loans...

...actually I'm lying. No one wants me to work at hooters. But I did eat there once. Their wings are good. Crispy!

How do you think they interview at hooters? I'd like to see you do a post on that. :)

Oh yeah, and I'm sorry the pallets are gone. You didn't even get to use the luminol on it in your investigation. Everyone knows it's not a true investigation unless there is luminol involved. And a black light!

Posted by: Lani | April 5, 2006 06:07 PM

“Thank you Major Dad,”

me = crying

Posted by: suzanna danna | April 5, 2006 06:19 PM

I pick Ewan McGregor and my hand. *sigh* I love him.

Posted by: Eulallia | April 5, 2006 07:06 PM

I pick Neil Gaiman and my hand. *sigh* I keep telling my husband that he doesn't need to be jealous of our torrid affair since Neil Gaiman doesn't know about it, therefore no jealousy is needed, yes? Yes!

But really - I laugh until I cry at most of your posts. YAY!

Posted by: librarian pirate | April 5, 2006 08:23 PM

I've watched teachers the past 2 weeks and think it's a pretty cute show. I will check next week for your sister's name. How fun for her!!

Posted by: Ida | April 5, 2006 09:22 PM

I, too, live in Los Angeles, and have seen many exciting celebrities (once I almost ran over Ben Stiller, but that isn't nearly as exciting as having a body part held, although it wasn't my fault at all). Once, Pierce Brosnan knocked me over. Mostly I have bad celebrity encounters. Dammit. I wish as was as cool as you & Ziz. (I did get hugged by James Marsters, once, which really means nothing to all non-Buffy fans in the world, but was totally hot at the time.)

Posted by: Amy | April 5, 2006 09:47 PM

Once I was traveling through Heathrow Airport and I was holding a head, like one of those styrofoam ones that you model hats on and stuff. I had stolen it from the art department of my school in England and I wanted to take it back to America with me for ... actually, I don't know. I just wanted it. But all these people in the airport kept calling things out to me, like "Don't lose your head!" and "that's the way to get ahead!" and stuff, and it was so embarassing. No-one asked to hold it though. Which is a huge shame. Though, once I held Gavin Rossdale's left butt cheek. Grabbed it, more like. But still. I held it for a few seconds,

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | April 5, 2006 09:54 PM

The only famous person I've "met" is David Suzuki (is he famous in the States?) and that was when I denied him a machine at my gym 'cause I'd gotten there first. I wrote about it at the time in my journal 'cause it was, seriously, terribly exciting for me. Hey, I'm in Ottawa and we don't get a lot of celebrities around here. Alanis Morrisette (and I don't even know if I'm spelling her name right) from time to time, but that's it.

Posted by: Shawna | April 5, 2006 10:27 PM

OMG, a Ziz phone call! My favorite. I don't have so many of those stories, but my husband went to Beverly Hills High and has met lots of famous people (Jamie Lee Curtis and Melanie Griffith were classmates). I just asked him if he ever held anything belonging to a famous person, or had anyone famous hold anything of his, and he said "If so, I was so drunk I don't remember." But he once got drunk at Burt Ward's house, and once drunkenly told a dirty joke to Danny Thomas, and -- oh, this one is good -- once beheld a drunken Tom Waits humping a black Cadillac with big tailfins in a parking lot.

My, there is a LOT of drinking in that post. But there you go.

Posted by: Gretchen | April 5, 2006 10:42 PM

Val Kilmer brushed his hand against my butt once. I was gonna say "grabbed" but that just gives a totally different picture than what actually happened.
I was working at a movie premiere, standing on a hip high stage, holding a light for 4 hours straight, and Val (butt brushing requires a first name basis) walked behind me. Elisabeth Shue was on the said platform and Val said, "Hey look, there's Elisabeth," and as he pointed he brushed my butt with his hand.

Normally I would have said it was a nice experience. (A nice butt brush every now and then has its merits!) He has had his moments, but this night was not one of them. He was in a trenchcoat, shorts and Birks, and looked as if he had not showered since his last movie premiere.

Chris Isaac was there that night too....I wish HE had done the butt brush!

Posted by: Raybelle | April 5, 2006 10:57 PM

Gosh, and all I got is a kiss from Steve Burns. Oh, and he did "the Bump" with me while singing Starlight Mints songs at me so loudly I couldn't HEAR the actual live Starlight Mints doing their own music. He didn't hold anything of mine. Now I feel cheated.

Posted by: Miss Fish | April 5, 2006 11:04 PM

I am SO SAD about the pallets! I came back SPECIFICALLY to learn the fate of the pallets. And because I rightly knew the Pallet Situation could easily result in multiple Doxie postings, so now I'm really more sort of smugly gratified, rather than sad.

I will watch Teachers (I'd meant to, being the Mean Teacher and all, but... well, I want Gregory House to hold some of my parts, so...) and I promise to cheer during the entire credits, since I have absolutely no idea what Ziz's actual name might be.

Posted by: holley | April 5, 2006 11:07 PM

Oh pallets!! Where have you gone??? I suspect gnomes.

Keith Richards once groped my ass at a Tom Waits concert. Possibly the most rock and roll moment of all time.

Posted by: missbanshee | April 5, 2006 11:57 PM

I absolutely adore your conversations with Ziz. I have three sisters. I don't think we are ever that funny.

Posted by: Heather | April 6, 2006 02:25 AM

Go Ziz!

I just wrote about how I'd allow George Clooney to rub my pregnant belly.

I'm not sure whether I'd let him touch my skull.

Other than that: Bono - Kneepit

Posted by: jozet | April 6, 2006 05:02 AM

“boobs” and “George Clooney” had me rolling.

I haven't had any celebrity touching, unless you count Tom Ridge, then Secretary of Homeland Security. And it wasn't so much touching as glaring, since I was goofing off at a boring continuing education seminar and turned around to find him sitting behind me.

Posted by: Carole | April 6, 2006 08:41 AM

my favourite is Tony Danza's ear. Although I have to say, that I'd be a bit more afraid of a handsy Danza than Busey, albeit not so much. (Handsy Danza sounds like an awesome band name, p.s.)

Sorry to hear about the loss of your pallets. If I ever get any spare ones, I'll make sure to fedex them your way.

Keep rockin' it strong!

Posted by: andy | April 6, 2006 08:51 AM

Dox, darlin', you may need medication...

Posted by: Mark | April 6, 2006 09:09 AM

From all I hear about Mr. Law, it may not be that hard to get him to hold one of your body parts. I mean, you are way prettier than that nanny he was, um, doing stuff with.

Just so you know, I have been watching Teachers (the whole 2 episodes that have been on so far) and think it's funny and will probably continue to watch it because it's on after Scrubs, which I also watch. I don't have a Neilson box though. Sorry.

Posted by: Jessie | April 6, 2006 09:28 AM

Well..he didn't hold anything..but I got Drew Carey to drop trow on Bourbon Street.

We ended upon Hard Copy.

Posted by: KSR | April 6, 2006 09:58 AM

I just have to say I am REALLY JEALOUS about the Steve Burns encounter. I love me some Steve Burns. I even bought his alternative music album, Songs for Dust Mites. It is gooooood.

Posted by: Gretchen | April 6, 2006 10:11 AM

Disappearing pallets! That is very interesting! Am also disappointed as totally wanted Doxie pallet block party stories. Those would have been classic Doxie posts...

I have had no body parts held...sigh! However I have to agree with boob and George Clooney comment. My boob longs to be held by GC.

I have had brushes with fame but had nothing held - however my dog has and here is her story.
My dog Maggie has had numerous brushes with fame...her best one was during the Toronto International Film Festival. Being the fame whore that I am I make sure that our Saturday morning walks were through the area that the stars hang out. I went into Starbucks to get Maggie a bottle of investment water to drink and came out and Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid were petting her. She is part hound and can look sad at the drop of a Milk Bone. She was doing her best 'no one loves me' look as I approached with her water and realized very quickly who the 2 people were that were petting my pretty girl. I had a minor stroke at that moment. I have always had a small Quaid crush and when Dennis flashed the trademark grin I almost fainted. Meg said something at this point but I was too focused on the grin. Then he commented how pretty a dog she is (YEAH!) and I said thank you and tried very hard to be nonchalant (I failed totally!).

That is my fame adjacent moment and it came via my dog.

Posted by: Diane | April 6, 2006 10:40 AM

Oh no! I live in Atlanta and I was really hoping you'd go the local news route with respect to the pallets and I'd get to see you on TV. I'd brag to all of my friends like I actually knew you or something.....

I was once plowed into by Ric Flair at a Georgia-Florida football game. Ewwww. I was looking at someone I was walking with rather than looking where I was going and apparently he thought since he was big famous wrestler guy he didn't have to move and could just run right over a poor drunk college girl.

This might be even more ewwww. Claude Akins held my hand once (okay, he shook it) at Six Flags in Atlanta. Yes, I've touched Sherriff Lobo from BJ and the Bear (and also just showed how old I am).

Could it have been Greg Evigan who played BJ and I had a big ol' crush on? Oh no. I got to touch the old guy instead.

My dad once drank a beer with John Wayne. Way cooler than shaking hands with Sherriff Lobo.

We have a lot of celebrities come into the law firm I work for so I've shaken a few hands but not one of them would I want/allow to hold my boobs.

Posted by: Bevvy | April 6, 2006 10:50 AM

Kevin Costner held my gaze once, in Jackson Hole.

This blog made me LAUGH, which I needed as all my boys are sick!

Posted by: Anne Glamore | April 6, 2006 10:55 AM

How's this for pathetic. This really is my best (well, only) near-brush with celebrity. When I was 12 my dad took my sister and me to L.A. I had wild fantasies about bumping into celebreties everywhere we went, being discovered for my particular brand of 5"3-Jewish-girl-from-Manitoba beauty, becoming famous, having then-not-yet-developed body parts held by then-hot celebrities like Scott Baio and Shawn Cassidy (yes I am that old) and ultimately (sure, why not?) buying an island. Turns out the only celebrity we saw all week was Abe Vigoda (Fish from Barnie Miller = very old man) sitting at the next table in a deli. And not a thing since. I know, it's a sad life.

Also, very sorry to hear the pallets have gone as quickly and mysteriously as the came, when there were so many brilliant things you could have done with them. And not a single pallet picture...

Posted by: Shoejunkie | April 6, 2006 11:03 AM

Once I shook hands with Ambassador Shirley Temple Black and *bonus* it actually happened in Czechoslovakia (when it still was) and *added bonus* she was sitting in her official, all flag-draped, limosine at the time. And HEY! does this count? Her driver/guard almost shot me? because I did not "back away from the car" when he told me to. But Shirley (I call her Shirley) told him to not shoot me and let me greet her as a fellow American expatriot (at the time). So we had a little chat and we are chums now - in my mind.

Posted by: Daffy | April 6, 2006 11:31 AM

Maybe you could get the dogs to tell you where the pallets went? (well, not the blind one.) (dog, not pallet.) Because you know they were barking up a storm at the offending pallet-remover.

Since I live in Washington, DC, most of my brushes with fame are with politicians, which has a thrill value of zero, so I'm afraid I can't compete with you and Ziz.

Posted by: marybindc | April 6, 2006 12:29 PM

When talking about touching celebs body parts, one thing comes to mind: standing behind Mark McGrath from "Sugar Ray" and rubbing my ass against his for a few minutes. HAHA. He was talking to Rachel Hunter at the time so he probably didn't even notice. :P

Posted by: foxy | April 6, 2006 12:46 PM

my husband holds my ass all the time.

he's published, so it's sort of like he is famous. but, just sort of. that is about all i have to contribute.

Posted by: jes | April 6, 2006 12:58 PM

Rufus Wainwright had his arm around my shoulder once. Well, in the photo it looks like he has his arm around me but actually he's holding his cigarette away from my hair as I'm sure it looked extremely overprocessed and flammable, but still, I have the photo.

Posted by: Suz | April 6, 2006 01:01 PM

I almost ran into Ruthanne from Northern Exposure while on my bike. And I confessed to Sherman Alexie that I have given a blow job in my life. That was in front of a crowd of over a thousand people too. Not my classiest moment. And it doesn't really involve a famous person touching me, but it does involve famous people and body parts. It counts.

Posted by: librarian girl | April 6, 2006 01:05 PM

So Gerald McRaney actually kinda gave you head. THAT's special.

Posted by: Brian | April 6, 2006 01:56 PM

Hah! Had I known that I was working on the same lot as Ziz (we were two stages down from Teachers) I would have been more careful when I ran into people with my bike. Perhaps I almost accidentally ran over your sister? Please tell her I am sorry.

Teachers was still shooting at Sony when Tom Cruise came to visit another shoot on the lot. Did she see him? He may be a crazy couch jumping lunatic, but he is still very handsome.

Also if either of you run into Gary Abusey (Scary Busey) hand him the cow skull and run like hell.

Posted by: Wen | April 6, 2006 02:29 PM

I have no famous-people-body-part-touching story. Even though in Italy last summer, I was looking at the expensive hotel's pool through the fence and saw someone who may or may not have been Harrison Ford. He wasn't holding anything though.

Posted by: European | April 6, 2006 03:16 PM

Hey, I dunno about the "never happening with Jude Law" thingy, cause really, all ya gotta do is evidently be his nanny...um, I mean his childrens nanny..wait, does he have kids? If not, then who's nanny did he get caught playing with anyways?? wait, what were we talking about?

Posted by: Kara | April 6, 2006 04:04 PM

To my everlasting shame I once made out with Danny, the ugly one, from New Kids on the Block. I also met Flavor Flav who told me to love Jesus and pray or something crazy like that. I crack up now every time I see his skanky self on VH-1. Alas my only brushes with fame are pathetic.

Posted by: MJF | April 6, 2006 08:22 PM

No celebrity has ever held anything of mine (unless they are a stealth celebrity and were doing so under cover of darkness while I was drugged with the roofies or something).

BUT! (that's a big but. Heh) I am related to John Ritter (it's a complicated third cousin, once removed, and oh, yeah, he never knew I existed kind of thing. Obviously, we were close) So I figure sharing some DNA has got to be worth something.

Not as good as Mel Brooks holding Ziz' hair, but beats the shit out of Gerald McRaney holding some errant cow skull. If only because John Ritter never slept with Delta Burke.

Posted by: Contrary | April 6, 2006 09:34 PM

here is a link on imdb (the source for info on tv and movies) for teachers:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0494188/fullcredits
thought you might like to see it!

Posted by: jenn | April 6, 2006 09:57 PM

So my mom is totally going to try and post this, but I am beating her to it! She dated Scottie Mayfield when she was in high school (before he was bald and creepy, I hope), so who knows what body parts of hers he may have held. Ew. Mommy, that's gross!!

Also, I just searched for Ziz on imdb and she has her whole own page!!! Hooray for Ziz!

Posted by: msmack | April 6, 2006 10:26 PM

I have made one person in my life jealous - my life is complete now. Gretchen, we need to compare notes. Five Steve shows under my belt, and at a Steve show Steve hangs with the fans afterwards. It's waaaay fun. Plus I know where you can hear his contribution to the They Might Be Giants tribute album.

Posted by: Miss Fish | April 6, 2006 11:09 PM

Very sad that the pallets are gone.. I would've laughed had you left the invisible someone who came and retrieved them a note.

My most recent brush w/ a celebrity was early in March when Keith Richards brushed by me in a crowded lobby of Mandalay Bay. They were playing at the MGM that night so I'm guessing he was on his way to sound check.. but the real body part that was touched was when Wesley Snipes shook my hand when I partied at his rented house (which was f'n incredible btw) in Vancouver, BC a couple of years ago when he was making Blade 3. Vin Diesel was also there, but he was um.. distracted by um.. a paid party goer. We partied til the wee hours and the cops showed up, very stern.. and I thought Wesley was done for, but a few minutes of chatting, and he had them all laughing and on their way out. And then it was almost a happy ending until he started to dj. Um.. Wesley cannot dj, I'm just letting you know.. no, he can not. But when we left, he shook my hand and said 'thank you for coming' and I said 'thank you' and it was all very polite. He's much much shorter in person.

I also shared an elevator with Lorenzo Lamas. Can't act to save his life.. but very tall and very hot.. and I wished he'd touched one of my body parts..

Tho the fantasy body part touch would be Patrick Dempsey.

Ok.. um... is it hot in here or is it just me?

Posted by: Miss Devylish | April 7, 2006 02:25 AM

Ok, seeing that the name of my blog is GONE TO PLAID, I am entirely jelous of Ziz and the Mel Brooks hair holding incident.

I've had a few brushes with fame. Let's see, I rode a roller coaster at King's Dominion with Richard Marx and his band. Talked to them and everything! When I took a tour of the WB studio log in LA, Martin Sheen waved at me. Well, there was a whole tram of people, but he LOOKED at me. :) tee hee.

I vote boobs, butt, and other unmentionables and Matthew McConaughey. Or, I could just watch him play naked bongos. ('scuz me while I wipe the drool from my lips)

Posted by: Carmen | April 7, 2006 08:06 AM

I am SO disappointed that we never found out just what was in those pallets. Very anticlimactic. However, Jack Bauer would not let this be the end. Those pallets WILL reappear someday. Be prepared.

Yay for ZIZ! Even though holding hair is a little odd, well, I'd still let him do it.

Posted by: Tiffany | April 7, 2006 10:26 AM

I saw Teachers last night and thought it was quite good. I'll tell my TiVo to record it from now on.

Posted by: Erica | April 7, 2006 12:58 PM

Miss Doxie...you rock! I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your posts. I've told several friends about you and found you as entertaining as I do. Carry on!

Posted by: Aaron | April 7, 2006 03:21 PM

This is so freakin' funny I can't stand it.

Posted by: Buffy | April 8, 2006 12:15 PM

When my daughter was in New York, 2 or 3 years ago, she went to a taping of the Daily Show. As she was leaving she saw Steve Carrell walking ahead of her and asked if she could take his picture. He stopped someone else and had them take the picture of him with his arm around her. Great picture! I'm glad his career has taken off so well, he is a very funny man.
By the way, I don't think Dukay is going to tell us how you two met. Maybe you should just do it so we can all quit holding our breath in anticipation. What if he told his version to you and then you told us?

Posted by: mackmomma | April 9, 2006 12:39 PM

I just love you!

Posted by: Bethany Coffey | April 9, 2006 01:29 PM

LMAO! You crack me up!
Sadly, my brushes with fame would excite very few. I once had tea with Hillary Clinton, I drove John Glenn from the airport to a speech, and Eddie Money kissed my cheek (man he was SO high). But I suppose for a girl from rural Ohio that's not so bad.

Posted by: Michelle | April 9, 2006 06:42 PM

No celebrity has held anything of mine either :(

But I did rub Gary Cherone's newly shaven head once. OK, SOMEONE has to know who that is...the lead singer from Extreme (and Van Halen for about 30 seconds)...you know, "More than Words". No? Google him. There you go...

Oh, and Timothy Busfield used to come into the video store I used to run in Sacramento...to shop for (but not buy) his own movies. That was during his sad time, before West Wing but after Field of Dreams.

Posted by: fluttergirl | April 10, 2006 10:50 AM

Last year I was playing blackjack at the Palms in Vegas when remarkably petite (and pneumatic) woman sat down next to me. Took a while to place her but eventually it came to me.

Before anyone asks, yes, she sucked. Seriously - she dropped about 300 bucks in 20 hands and sashayed away.

Oh, also played once for about an hour next to Karl Malone. He sucked worse - musta dropped 10 grand.

Posted by: Steve J | April 10, 2006 11:10 AM

Sorry we had to leave on such short notice. A friend of ours who reads your website warned us that there was mention of possibly blowing us up.

Enjoyed the visit though. Have a nice life.

The Pallets

Posted by: The Pallets | April 10, 2006 01:03 PM

I live in New York City, so I see celebrities more often than most people I think (although not as often as I'd like!) One night I was working at a fundraiser and Malcom McDowell was a guest and I was lucky enough to be seating him at his table. I panicked under the pressure (and under the weight of his arm that he had slung over my shoulder) and brought him to the wrong table. Which clearly did not have a placecard for him. So he picked another one and then told me I was so cute he wanted to take me home. Would be awesome if he wasn't so old. And married. And also, old.

Posted by: Ashley | April 10, 2006 06:03 PM

My Dad had the best brushes with fame in the family. He shook hands with Bob Hope, chatted for about an hour (and shook hands) with Paul Newman and used to sing with Ferlin Husky.
Mr. Newman was unknown to the then 12 year old me, and when Dad regaled us with his story at dinner I very loudly asked "who's Paul Newman"? Possibly the equivalent today would be a 12 year old asking "who's Tom Cruise"?
Personally, I've had my hand held by George Strait, and had Tommy Lee Jones tell me to quit talking to his son (who was 5 at the time and had a cold. I was simply trying to be a caring female...sob). He is not a very nice man in person. Plus the time he was behind my Sis in the convenience store breathing down the back of her neck hard because he was in such a frickin' hurry. The man has no concept of personal space.
And not that I'm proud, but Richard Nixon was my maybe 3rd or 4th cousin 3 or 4 times removed. Big time huh?
My husband is the great-nephew of World Champion boxer Jess Willard, the "Great White Hope" who was relieved of his boxing title by Jack Dempsey.
That's all I got folks.
Miss Doxie, it would have been mucho cool to see you on TV detailing your perplexing pallet phenomenon. I personally feel that you should be a published author, a comedian, a talk-show host or a combination of all or any of the above. You are too funny and drop dead gorgeous. How's your speaking voice? Can you sing?
Kudos to Ziz. And Mel Brooks? Wanted to hold her hair? How fucking righteous is that? She has a story for life. He is a comic genius.
See my name? blabsalot? Once I get going it's hard to stop me.
Love your site Miss Doxie. Laughter is the best medicine in the world, so I may start calling you Doc Doxie because you make me laugh so damn much, and my lungs kinda hate you. Fuck 'em, I'll keep coming back for more!

Posted by: blabsalot | April 10, 2006 10:32 PM

i had my picture taken with rick springfield last month. he didn't hold anything, but he did put his arm around me. and? he's STILL hot!!

Posted by: minnie | April 10, 2006 10:56 PM

You need to hear this song right now. Go to:

http://www.myspace.com/discothekidrules

Posted by: jen | April 12, 2006 03:34 AM

"Ziz: I’m sorry, is this phone call interrupting your important archeological dig?" = me, crying

Can we petition Ziz to get herself a blog too? Or is she too busy being famous?

No one famous has held my anything. I need to go to LA.

Posted by: Jamila | April 12, 2006 10:08 AM

Doxie-Lady you're so funny! Why do these random things always happen to you and your family?!

My only stardom thing is that I once held Gerald Durrel's racoon at his zoo in Jersey, it was so cute and fluffy!

Keep being crazy!

Posted by: Moneypenny | April 18, 2006 05:42 PM

Doxie come back!!! We miss you!

Posted by: Suzana | April 20, 2006 07:42 PM

Miss Doxie, wherefore art thou? We miss you mucho!

Posted by: Leesavee | April 24, 2006 11:32 AM

DAY EXT- A hand reaches up to the door:

*knock knock*

(silence, then barking)

*knock knock*

(A LOT more barking)


DAY EXT continuous: Pull back to reveal Miss Doxie's house. Strangely silent, except for the barking.

Oh the humanity!

Posted by: Wen | April 24, 2006 04:25 PM

The pallets obviously were not gone, they are are holding her hostage and will not allow her to post. This is the only explanation for the doxie shaped void.

Posted by: Confessions of a Neurotic Newlywed | April 25, 2006 03:22 PM

either pallet abduction or a combitation of work and drunkeness. maybe we should scour all fulton county courthouses/bars for dox. WE MISS YOU. COME BACK TO US.

Posted by: Louly | April 26, 2006 11:17 AM

You are just too funny. I love your entries.

Posted by: cole | May 4, 2006 01:32 PM

Does having one's head crushed at a Kids in the Hall concert count? 3 years ago, both my husband's and my heads were crushed by Mark McKinney at a local concert. It was even on the JumboTron.

I love your banter with Ziz. I want to be that funny.

Posted by: Sarah | June 2, 2006 07:21 PM

My boyfriend TOTALLY does the whole jumping-up-and-down-squealing-like-a-little-girl thing (as manly as possible, of course)when he sees his union name at the end of movie credits.

Oh. And Tony Stweart touched my butt once. It was kinda creepy. Because it was before he was all kinda famous and whatnot. Does that count?

Posted by: kristachio | August 3, 2006 10:03 PM

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