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April 26, 2006

Hey there, internet! How you doing? I am doing great. Previously, I was not doing so great! Now, however, I am totally awesome, and let me tell you why. See below.

Here is the short version. ("Short" being relative in my world, but you know.) See, the "short" version is that a few weeks ago, I went to my doctor. The doctor referred me to a specialist, who then found An Issue, as specialists are wont to do. The Issue, naturally, required biopsies and Atrocious Medical Procedures. Said biopsies and Procedures occurred today, and I have been preparing for them for a while, and preparing to miss work for a while (because I've had to take off most of this week), and therefore, no posting. I am sorry! But it was all very scary and wrong, and I just did not really want to talk about it. Except, you know. To all the people I know in real life, who had to deal with me saying things like "Golf ball sized tumor?!?! YOU GUYS I HAVE A GOLF BALL IN ME AHHHHH" for a very painful and prolonged period of time. To those fortunate individuals, I said these things a lot. Kind of...constantly, actually. I am sure they are all ready to beat me to death with a nine iron.

Now, the happy bit is that the Tumor turned out not to be an evil tumor, as previously diagnosed, and instead, just angry bits of skin that have decided to congregate on my insides and be pissed with the world. They will ultimately have to be removed with terrifying surgery, but for now, I can be relieved and happy and not worried about a whole revolutionary situation brewing in my internal business. So, yay! Yay to all of that!

Of course, reaching this point has been a whole Exercise in Unfun, culminating today with much sadness and I have to mention that YOU GUYS THEY PUT AN IV IN ME. To the surprise of exactly nobody, it turns out I suck at having an IV in me. I have...kind of a thing with needles. As with most people, I hate needles. But we reach new levels of pathological phobia when it comes to needles in my arm. This whole escapade has involved a lot of blood being taken, and every time someone removes more of my blood, I am immediately transformed into the worst patient ever. I have a very fight-or-flight response to needles in the arm, and as soon as someone comes in with that sharps container, I start looking for the nearest exit. I am getting ready to run. I will bite, if necessary. I am scared slap to death.

So, even though I have dealt with far greater pain and discomfort recently, the IV situation today was pretty much more than my small, cowardly brain could handle. Fortunately, I had been told that the IV would go in, but that I would be knocked out in 30 seconds, so I wouldn't even really notice. And so I had thought it would not be so bad. Turns out: No.

Instead, they put the IV in. And three minutes later, as I was buttcrawling all over the bed in horror, all AHHH GET IT OUT GET IT OUT THERE IS A NEEDLE IN MY ARM OH MY GOD, WHY AM I STILL AWAKE? the nurse announced that, oh. That is just a saline solution. We don't give you any anesthetic until the doctor gets here. And, she's running about a half-hour late. So, sit tight! And don't move much, because in case you forgot, there is a needle stuck in your arm, and you don't want it to break off inside of you.

This is what she said. This is also when my brain exploded.

Now, y'all. Yes. Yes! I am the biggest wimp of all time, but this completely fucked with me. For an hour, a solid fucking hour, I lay by myself, needle in my FUCKING ARM, in a cold room, with only a little hospital nightie on. I spent that entire time listening to a beeping heart monitor which reminded me that indeed, I AM freaking out, because it was going BEEPBEEPBEEPBIPPITYBEEP very fast and I have a golf ball sized tumor and a damned NEEDLE in my ARM, and in sum, I was not a happy camper.

When the doctor finally arrived, she was all business. She walked in, looked at me, motioned to the nurse, and into the IV went the sleepy stuff. The last thing I remember was the nurse telling me that according to protocol, blah blah blah, and I actually raised my good arm, hollered "PROTOCOL, DRINK!" and then, everything went black. I am sure they think I am deeply troubled.

I woke up later, with both of my parents standing next to me. They said things, which I do not remember. I do vaguely remember being wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair. I also vaguely remember telling the nurse who wheeled me out that I loved her as a person. I also vaguely remember eating two sandwiches and most of a bag of potato chips in the car on the way home, because I had been without food for 40 hours, and was about to die of starvation.

What happened next, however, has been reconstructed, CSI forensic-style, from physical and documentary evidence. Apparently, I got home. Apparently, I sent some emails, including some to my boss. Apparently, I took a nap upstairs in my shoes, bra, and jeans, and apparently, I also ANSWERED THE FRONT DOOR LIKE THAT when a poor, unsuspecting florist came and delivered flowers. I have no recollection of any of these events. And yet, that is probably for the best.

When I finally woke up and stopped being fascinated by things like my own hands (bendy!), I had a string of people calling and visiting, and bringing wonderful get-well gifts, such as Girl Scout cookies and wine. Robyn brought me a whole bag of delightfulness, including magazines and books, and really, my friends and family are all so awesome.

So, now you know! That is where I've been. And now I am back, and free of those pesky golf ball-sized tumors and needles in the arm, and that is good enough for me. Sadly, however, it is probably not good enough for the florist. I owe that florist a drink. And possibly some Girl Scout cookies.

P.S.: For those of you wondering, I know I got tagged for a meme thing by Holly, and I will get to it when the world is less moving.

P.P.S.: Also, I only now realized that I just watched an entire episode of Lost. On mute. Without noticing. This did not detract from my enjoyment, and to that I say yay, pharmaceuticals! Seriously, life is very entertaining to me right now. Do you guys have any glow sticks?

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


Good to hear from you, and THANK GOD that it wasn't evil.

So, I'm getting this vibe that you don't like needles? :-)

Posted by: arubagirl | April 26, 2006 10:50 PM

Oh my god, Miss Doxie, you poor thing. With the golf balls! And the IV! And here I am troubling you with stupid things like FUCKING MEMES. Please disregard this until you are totally and utterly healed. Would you like some Percocet? I had 50 from the time they sewed up my torn earlobe. Which, um, hello, is kind of a pissy little injury when you compare it to INTERNAL GOLF BALLS.

By the way, I bet that florist is totally going to ring your bell, like, eight times next week, in the hope that you may again answer the door in your bra and jeans. You will get a lot of free flowers from him, I think. But don't be tempted to answer the door with your shirt off again, just to make him stop doing it. Because then you will NEVER get rid of him.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | April 26, 2006 10:51 PM

Wow. You'd think with a golf-sized tumour they'd let you off easy on the needle in the arm thing. Bastards.

Really glad to hear you're doing well, though and that you're healthy and happy and such. And, you know, three cheers for Girl Scout cookies.

Posted by: amauritis | April 26, 2006 10:51 PM

Holly, you crazy bonfire girl, you are not troubling me with memes! I am actually looking forward to it, and think it will be the big fun. I even started writing the entry already! However, it will be much improved now, because numbers 1 through 6 are no longer "So, did I mention MY TUMOR? BECAUSE I HAVE A TUMOR."

But now I am getting to Arnold-speak "It's NODDA TOOMAH!" to anyone who will listen. And now that I think about it, that "anyone" probably included the poor florist.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | April 26, 2006 10:59 PM

Oh My! Miss Doxie aka Tumour Lady.
I'm glad the tumours aren't the evil kind that are cartoons with teeth but the kind that are just grey and grumpy like eeyore, hanging out, kinda bummed, but not trying to hurt you.

ALSO, I suspect I would have the same reaction to the needle-in-the-arm seeing as how Moths scare me and needles cause more damage than moths.

Furthermore, I agree with Ms Nothing But Bonfires. Free flowers will be forthcoming. Or, at least you have given that nice florist a story he can tell other boys and have them be all "DUDE! what's her address? damn I gots to be a florist now yo!" or something similar.

Posted by: Sarah-Rose | April 26, 2006 11:13 PM

I think the florist, with any sense of humor, just probably thinks that you were stoned...cause you kinda were.

I could've been drunk, naked, and yelling.
And no one wants that.

Posted by: SWSNBN | April 26, 2006 11:19 PM

It is good to hear that Miss Doxie is okay, and that she is back blogging for the internet, which has missed her!

Protocol, Drink! Ha! Indeed, the golf balls may not have been the really evil kind, but it's still good that your doctor went Jack Bauer on their asses! They were a threat to national security!

Posted by: TheMac | April 26, 2006 11:20 PM

Even on drugs, Miss Doxie rocks(ie).

Too bad you didn't get to blog on drugs. That would be so funny!

Posted by: Jon in Michigan | April 26, 2006 11:35 PM

They left you like that for an HOUR? They couldn't WAIT to put the stupid IV in? Crap. Want me to beat them up for you?

Posted by: mom on a wire | April 26, 2006 11:51 PM

Glad to see you back. I was pining. Pitifully. Ask my cats.

The needle thing? It's so not just you. Mine isn't the arm issue, though... it's dental work needles. A needle? Withing screaming distance of my mouth? Armafreakinggeddon, people. I have to get a few fillings put in(this is what happens when one doesn't have dental insurance and doesn't see the dentist for five YEARS), and not only will they be giving me the happy gas, they are also calling me in a prescription for Xanax. To take before the visit. So that they don't have to call in the firemen to peel me off the ceiling of the exam room in order to get on with the business of sticking what feels like a nine inch needle full of novocaine into my gums.

Hate is not nearly a strong enough word.

Posted by: Nola | April 27, 2006 12:01 AM

So super happy that you are back! My sister and I lamented your missingness on a regular basis.

I have a needle thing too. I remember once I had to get some numbing stuff shot into my finger, and they shot so much of it in there that the finger swelled up to twice its size. My sister got me a shot of liquor to fix it.

Posted by: librarian pirate | April 27, 2006 12:14 AM

I am soooooo FREAKIN' GLAD you are okay. Whew!

I will add a funny note about getting tested for super scary things. I went to the cancer center here in Sacramento because I had a scary lump thing under my arm, which is TRE-BAD, because that's a lymph node. So I drive to the cancer center, park, go in, freak out, get tested, freak out while getting tested, then leave while still freaking out. I get to my car and I have a FUCKING PARKING TICKET, people! Not even a warning! My God -- I could be dead by Tuesday and you're yelling at me because I was so freaked out that I parked in the wrong spot at the cancer center? What the fuck is wrong with people? I tell ya!

I'm very glad your golfball is a nice golfball -- mine was a nice one as well. Cheers!

Posted by: Jessica | April 27, 2006 12:23 AM

I'm delurking for this one. Here via MeanTeacher (who ain't so mean). So glad you're okay. Jealous you're so medicated.

Posted by: MIM | April 27, 2006 01:01 AM

I didn't have a golfball, mine was more of a black-eyed pea, yet I was ready to buy the burial plot and get the will written. (Not that I have much to leave that anyone would want, except my very cool puppet stage.) So I am very very glad to hear all is well. Something about the words TUMOR and LUMP still give me shivers. Needles, however, I'm good for. Evidently I have a high tolerance for pain, which amazes me. (Note to NOLA: keep up the dentist visits even if you have to go to the dental schools; trust me, scaled gums from periodontal disease involves a LOT of needles in consecutively larger calibers.)

And Miss Doxie, freak that I am, I actually happen to HAVE a large quantity of glowsticks left over from the Carnival From Heck I chaired. I even have the Glow Necklaces. You should have some, and a set of those Magnetix toys as well. I have Silly Putty too. Aaah, you all hate me now, don't you?

Posted by: MissFish | April 27, 2006 01:44 AM

Sweetie, I'm here to apologise on behalf of my profession, and also to de-freak you out. The nurse with the needle in the arm thing - she was playing with your mind. Sorry, but there it is. Yes, there is a needle in there for the moment that they put the IV in but then - they take it out, leaving only bendy, harmless plastic. I promise. Unless they have a whole separate IV tradition in America (which I sincerely doubt). So again, on behalf of nurses worldwide, I apologise - you got stuck with a mean one. With any luck she'll die horribly, from an infected IV

Posted by: Nurse Kate | April 27, 2006 04:24 AM

Ah, Leigh, I'm so sorry to hear that you've not been well. But, so super duper glad that it was benign. And almost as glad that you're back and blogging again! (Am selfish like that.) I missed you so. Really. And, um. Words = escaping me. Sorry. But get well soon, and kick that golf's ball's dimpled little ass.

Posted by: Heather | April 27, 2006 04:57 AM

I had a pea sized lump on my jaw and freaked out (turns out it was just a swollen lymph node) due to the high rate of cancer in my family. If I had a golf ball sized lump they probably would have had to sedate me. I am so glad you are o.k. There is only one doxie.

On a side note: I too hate the iv. I had one once when I had my wisdom teeth removed and when I woke up and saw it in my arm I mildly freaked out and wanted it out. But oh no, it couldn't come out right away. I even had to take the damn thing into the bathroom with me. But the narcotics made everything seem softer and time seemed more... compressed. I swore the whole two hour procedure (impacted wisdom teeth are a bitch to get out) only took fifteen minutes. I was walking around with strips of bloody gauze hanging out of my mouth saying "I am the Walrus" and laughing hysterically. Good times.

Posted by: Confessions of a Neurotic Newlywed | April 27, 2006 08:37 AM

Wow - that must have been some scary stuff. I'm glad to hear everything is OK.

Why, oh WHY do doctors take their sweet time showing up for procedures like that?!? My doctor was almost two hours late for a sexy procedure that involved sticking things up my ass, and that just ain't cool.

Posted by: jive turkey | April 27, 2006 08:37 AM

So, do we get any email blurbs of what you sent while drugged?


Posted by: Mrs.MGA | April 27, 2006 09:12 AM

I'm glad you're back and free from evil, and sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience.

However, I must say that your thoughts on needles and freaking out and flight-or-fright...

Sounded a lot like Bo.

Posted by: Maggie | April 27, 2006 09:14 AM

Lovely to have you back, Doxie. You were missed. The blank page taunted us, and we missed you, yes we did.

Very, very glad that all internal nastiness has been taken care of, and that your wonderful 'real life' people have been taking good care of you.

Yay, pharmaceuticals, indeed.

Posted by: Lucy | April 27, 2006 09:21 AM

Good to have you back Doxie. Your reaction to needles is very similar to Bo's reaction to the vet (minus the defensive dumps, emptying of bladder and anal glands). Hmmm wonder how the evil nurse would have been if you had done that! Glad to know that all turned out well with the biopsy and tumour. I wish for stoned on Percocet posts - that would be FUNNY!!!

Posted by: Diane | April 27, 2006 09:24 AM

I just started reading your blog recently and I think you're awesome! I am SO very happy for you that your tumors are benign. What a scare, huh?? I was in the hospital for abscesses in my neck just as my senior year of high school was starting and the medicine was so strong that it kept collapsing my veins - so they had to do a new I.V. like TWICE A DAY. In new spots each time. Even on the side of my hand near my thumb! GAH! Good thing I, too, was mega-doped up during that time. Then I even had to have a PIC line put in that snaked up to my heart so they could give me meds that way for 3 addt'l weeks at home! Double GAH! So I feel your pain, Miss Doxie. I hope your eventual surgery goes off without a hitch!

Posted by: Liberal Banana | April 27, 2006 09:24 AM

OMG I just snorted coffee out my nose because I was laughing so hard. Hold on, let me wipe off my computer screen.

Okay, but seriously, I'm glad that you are okay and that everything went well. And my head would have totally exploded if a nurse said something about a needle breaking off in my arm too. The one time I was in the hospital a nurse said something about, "Oh, you still have the catheter in? We could have taken that out hours ago", and that's when my head exploded. I think there are times when nurses should just not talk because they seem to freak me out more often than not.

Posted by: Jessie | April 27, 2006 09:33 AM

Dearest Doxie,

We are all so very glad to have you back! Having had two non-evil golf balls removed from myself in the past few years, I completely identify with the fear you must have had. Even though we knew not what you were going through, our warmest wishes were with you.

I think we could form quite a posse to go kick Nurse Ratched's ass for you. Or you could just sick Bo on her...since I'm pretty sure BO HATES NEEDLES and BO HATES NURSE RATCHED.

Enjoy your medication!!!

Posted by: Leesavee | April 27, 2006 09:33 AM

Oh, dear. You poor thing. How did a golf ball get inside you? Someone or something must've PUT it there!

I'd bet it was a major appliance.

Or possibly, Bo.

Posted by: LadyBug | April 27, 2006 09:56 AM

Enjoy those meds... you totally deserve them after that ordeal. I am also irrationally terrified of needles. If I have to get one, I close my eyes and pinch myself really hard and say "See! It's OK! The needle will hurt less than that!" It doesn't really help, but I do it anyway. I commend your bravery, and I am being completely serious. I got an IV one time, when I had my wisdom teeth out because those fuckers were impacted like nobody's business. When I heard there would be an IV involved, I told then nurse she was going to want to give me something to knock me out BEFORE the IV came around. She was all like, "no, honey that's what the IV is for," and I was all like, "HONEY YOU BETTER KNOCK ME OUT NOW IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE THIS DAY". I woke up 12 hours later in a bed and was utterly fasinated by the hospital phones. Phones! You can talk to people who aren't there! Amazing! Drugs are funny. IVs are evil. Glad you're OK.

Posted by: jennifer | April 27, 2006 10:01 AM

GOD, you will do ANYTHING to have something to write about, huh? ;)

In all seriousness, glad to hear that you're okay and enjoying the happy pills. (I do recall, after my hysterectomy, shouting to the retreating nurse at one point, "THIS MORPHINE PUMP NEEDS MORE MORPHINE OR POSSIBLY MORE PUMPING, PLEASE!")

Enjoy your flowers and your convalescence, and please don't grow any more tumors.

Posted by: Mir | April 27, 2006 10:19 AM

Miss Doxie -
Glad you're doing well after your surgery adventure and I'm also glad that your absence wasn't because of some majorly off the wall incident like pallets trapping you in a small confined space or one of the dogs pooping on your computer (though I'm sure it would be amusing to read about from your perspective).
And on the subject of dogs, how are they acting around the half naked drugged out Doxie?

Posted by: tkemaven | April 27, 2006 10:33 AM

I hope you are feeling better soon! Let's just all be glad that your flight-or-fight responses aren't like Bo's. Then you would have been labelled as the worst patient ever. ;)

Posted by: Lani | April 27, 2006 10:39 AM

Ohmigod, I'm so glad it's nodda toomah. And I'm with you on the IV thing. I had a c-section three months ago and was mighty dismayed to find out they were going to put a needle in my arm and leave it there for 24 hours. Forget having a hole cut in me large enough to have another living being pass through it, I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE AN IV??? GAAACK!!! Oh and you'll love this - my husband at one point got up from my side to get something for me... and didn't realize he was on the wrong side of the IV pole. Thank GOD that sucker had been taped on well.

Despite annoying the nurses through the next day with "can I have this removed now?" every time they saw me, it all turned out okay.

Posted by: Shawna | April 27, 2006 10:42 AM

Doxie, I've been out of the internet for a little while and I missed this, but I'm glad you're doing better. Also, I had a golf ball tumor cyst thing a couple of years ago, too, except mine? HAD A TOOTH.

Posted by: T | April 27, 2006 11:07 AM

I'm right there with ya Doxie, doped up on good meds and on bedrest till Sunday after a scary procedure on Tuesday. You made me laugh so hard with "Protocol, Drink" that it truly did hurt. But was worth it. Hope you heal up good and no mas tumors of ANY size.

Posted by: Sabine | April 27, 2006 11:11 AM

I'm so glad it wasn't an evil golf ball. Enjoy the drugs and hope you get well soon.

Posted by: bad penguin | April 27, 2006 11:29 AM

I was imagining all kinds of terrible things to explain your absence and am so relieved to see a post today! Glad to hear about the benign-ness of the golf ball. Ohmigod the stories I could tell (but won't) about the time I had issues with my insides that ended up involving a 7 WEEK hospital stay, a couple of pounds of me being removed, and a CENTRAL LINE (which makes an IV look pretty). Welcome back, honey.

Posted by: Daffy | April 27, 2006 11:32 AM

So glad you're ok. That sounds scaarrry!!!!

Posted by: karla | April 27, 2006 11:46 AM

Oh my GOD. I almost died from anxiety reading this post. I am so glad you are recuperating, and has anyone thought to look into the possibility that The Pallets were radioactive, and caused you to grow the tumor?

Posted by: Alexa | April 27, 2006 11:50 AM

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this, and I'm glad you're doing fine now.

To your last question, Why, YES, I do have a glow stick in my car's glove box. And no, I don't know how it got there.

If you want it, I can mail it to you and it'll be my get well soon gift.

Lemme know.

Posted by: Lily | April 27, 2006 12:00 PM

I just KNEW you had been away too long! I knew something was up! (I'm eerily psychic. Okay, not really. But I have been eerily stalking the Miss Doxie site.) Scary times, and so VR VR glad to hear that you're now okay after a long and scary ordeal. And, I hear ya about the IV and needles thing. You should have done what I typically do and just pass out from hyperventilating. Works for me. Although I can't recommending doing this while standing . . . Especially in the waiting room. Or a combination of both while wearing a hospital gown.

Big x's and happy thoughts of glow sticks.

Posted by: Shano | April 27, 2006 12:47 PM

WoW! I'm so glad to hear that the needle didn't break off in your arm (I've never heard of that happening -- maybe that nurse just likes to scare people) and glad that it was just an innocuous golfball.

Posted by: victoria | April 27, 2006 12:51 PM

jiminy jeepers creepers woman! thank goodness! what you must have been thru of late! you poor poor kitten!

notice how i have called you a kitten. it is a term of endearment and mothering. i am endearing and mothering you. because of the, you know, health scare. scary!!! kitten!!!

Posted by: honestyrain | April 27, 2006 01:04 PM

Pobresita! So sorry you had to go through that scare and endure the attendant needles. Make sure that your convalescence is replete with wine and mashed potatoes. Maybe even glowing mashed potatoes.

btw, I think that florist owes you dinner.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban | April 27, 2006 01:36 PM

Miss Doxie, so sorry to hear you've had this scary medical situation, but very glad to hear that it's been rectified. (Right?)

And at least you have a good reason for answering the door half-dressed. Back when I was in the habit of coming home drunk and ordering a pizza, I once answered the door for a very-surprised pizza guy while wearing only my underwear. I could never order from them again.

Posted by: Her Ladyship | April 27, 2006 01:57 PM

Oh Lordy, I'm glad everything turned out well! I'm with you on the IV thing, It was the worst part of giving birth...yes, you heard me.THE WORST PART, even squeezing a little baby the size of a watermellon out of an opening the size of a (he he) golf ball, was less icky then the IV>..ugh...

Posted by: Kara | April 27, 2006 02:33 PM

Hey, at least you were still wearing the bra, unlike the time you were in the strip club...

I am glad that you are okay. If you are planning on scaring us like that again then you must supply the wine. In an IV bag.

Take care of yourself missy.

Posted by: Wen | April 27, 2006 02:42 PM

I used to be not so fond of needles, but then I had to go have a "procedure" (with biopsies in my girly parts and all that) and in the IV, they gave me morphine. Sometimes now, I lurk in hospitals & try to get unsuspecting nurses to give me a morphine drip...so far, no luck.

Glad your golf balls aren't evil golf balls. Mine weren't either.

Also -- YAY! for drugs.

Posted by: Amy | April 27, 2006 02:45 PM

Poor Doxie! I understand your needle phobia. I would have FREAKED too.

Posted by: Catherine | April 27, 2006 02:46 PM

I'm sorry to hear about your medical trauma (I can relate to the needle thing... You should have seen me trying to donate blood last fall). But I'm so glad to hear you're doing better and are back to entertaining us.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out a few years ago, and decided that anesthesia plus vicoden equals the greatest thing ever. Apparently, I flawlessly directed my mom from the hospital back to my apartment. I also apparently returned to said apartment and immediately started...making my bed. Which is, like, not even something I do when I am sober.

Posted by: Melsa | April 27, 2006 03:08 PM

Oooh, the internets missed you! So glad to hear that you're going to be OK, but still - SCARY!!!

I've had an IV a couple of times, but all when I was pregnant. Somehow, contractions = not noticing the IV. :-)

Posted by: Peyton | April 27, 2006 03:17 PM

Doxie Girl!!
I was so worried and missed your postings terribly. (I too must chime in on the doped up email snippets - they would be lovely) Am so so glad you are alive and doing well enough. Heal quickly.

Posted by: Hannah | April 27, 2006 03:40 PM

Poor pretty Miss Doxie! I was worried about you, too! I'm so a) sorry you had the ickyness b) glad you'll be ok c) in favor of you siccing Bo on the nurse. And telling her to hold still, or his TEETH will break off in her... ankle. Drugs + alcohol = Stoooooooonnnnnnned... duuuude. Rest up!

Posted by: Meepers | April 27, 2006 03:41 PM

Miss Doxie! Glad to see you're back, but sorry to hear you were gone for such a sucktastic reason! I hope you're feeling much better sans-tumor and if you're not yet, well, eat more cookies! That always helps me... :-)

Posted by: katie | April 27, 2006 03:48 PM

Dude, I hear you with the needles. I don't really mind them once they're in, but I do mind when nurse after nurse after nurse who then gets the doctor to make sure that I'm "Really okay? Are you SURE?" I don't know what the hell is coming out of my body into that little bag, it must be effing green or coming out with the image of Mary or something, but apparently it's remarkable. Glad you're okay.

Posted by: andy | April 27, 2006 03:49 PM

Oh Doxie! I am so glad you are well. Kate was right about the needle only being in there for a second because it comes out and a catheter stays in. They don't want to start scambling for another vein to stick if the IV gets dislodged during a procedure. I think Bo should cut that nurse. Also call and complain to the hospital. She needs to be addressed on this behavior. It is not good to stress out the patient prior to surgery. They will know who she is because she will have initialed your chart when she started the IV. Be sure and mention you are a lawyer!

P.S. You have now walked a mile in Bo's little brown shoes.

Posted by: mackmomma | April 27, 2006 04:06 PM

Wow. Now I'm sorry that I nagged you. I'm glad that you're feeling better. That's scary stuff.

Posted by: shaxgirl | April 27, 2006 04:13 PM

Sooooo glad you are back.

I had a procedure a couple of years ago that my parents drove from LA to my home in Sacramento for. I was not allowed to drive us home afterward, but apparently operating gas operated appliances is A-OK. I made us all mac and cheese for lunch. Apparently.

Enjoy your stoney time off. Seriously.

Posted by: motormouth | April 27, 2006 04:24 PM

I was starting to get really pissed at El Dukay for not telling us where you were. And then, a conspiracy theory abounded that maybe you and Bo pissed him off and he stuffed you into a garbage bin in a fit rage and then I got even ANGRIER.

I'm sorry for the health problems. I'm so glad you're okay, and how scary for you.

Posted by: Jonniker | April 27, 2006 04:48 PM

Oh for joy!
Having recently set up a feed from your site, I had myself convinced that my computer hated me, you, and daschunds due to the lack of new posts showing up.
Am joyous also to hear that you are ok, and sympathise with your hospital visits, both in the past and forthcoming. With that in mind, I would like to extend some advice culled from the expierience of my ten-year old tonsil-y self undergoing "major" surgery in the form of a tonsillectomy:
1. Get anesthetized against your will.
2. Stay infuriated while knocked out.
3. Plot revenge as you come out of the anesthesia.
4. Punch your doctor.
5. No really. Sock the shit out of him right across the jaw.
6. Be carried to car by loving father.
7. Vomit all over loving father.
8. Eat ice cream!

Hope this helps...

Posted by: Hippo Noises | April 27, 2006 05:30 PM

Miss Doxie! The tumors! And golf balls! And nine irons!

And the IV! And needles! Breaking off in your arm!

Nurses should be heftily fined for saying such things to patients who are OBVIOUSLY troubled by the sight of needles hanging out of their body parts.

I hope you feel better soon, but not too soon, because time off work and receiving flowers and having friends & family cater to you is SO fun!

Posted by: jes | April 27, 2006 05:34 PM

Ok tumor stories, he we are it was sometime in the 90s the hair was big and crisp i was yes in my prime just able to drink met this wonderful guy (who i married later and this is why) I start feeling gassy ok yes i know not a major emergency the next morning gassy still ofcorse being in a new relationship (3 months) i was so not letting it go iam fine Nope not so fine apendix bursted and yes here i was with gas. So i wake up from this horrible thing and they know they put the damn drugs in and they say hey by the way your apendix burst AND we found this HUGe tumor on an ovary I said sheesh good thing i came in with my gas huh whew iam so glad that got out what kind of tumor was it ?? they say ohhh well we didnt take it out!
UMMMM didnt take it out WTF!!! so there was much of this cursing. No it was on the left side and ofcorse apendix is on the right . Well yall was spelunking enough to find said tumor why yall couldnt have snatched it up i ask.
3 months later they say ok your healed enough to get this tumor out so for three months i was certainly dying of cancer. I dont remember much now but it was the longest three months. I go in get said tumor taken out it was a nasty tumor grapefruit sized containing hair and teeth. NO KIDDING apearently i grew a thing with teeth and hair and liver tissue and brain tissue INISDE my body groovy huh yeah THE LINES to myroom were long as it was a TEACHING HOSPITAL and there was lots to say about patient (me) and third party speaking like i wasnt there. it was cute NOT did i mention that it was a hip to hip cut? yes after my 12 inch long sideways one for the apendix?? i do look like the guy on operation game.

Posted by: turtlesbirds | April 27, 2006 06:05 PM

yay for benign-ity! and yay for giving the flower delivery guy a story he'll remember for quite a while - at least there was a bra, right?

Very, very glad to hear that you're doing better, and I hope the convalescing goes well.

Posted by: alice | April 27, 2006 06:53 PM

I laughed and laughed very hard at the way you answered the door.. and worded that whole paragraph.. and probably a little more about you watching Lost w/ the sound off. But mostly, glad things are better and yay for benigny gone tumor. Yay! Woot!

Posted by: Angel | April 27, 2006 09:00 PM

Hooray for tumors being non-evil!

Hooray for you being back!

Hooray for painkillers!!!

BOOOOO for IVs! Bad doctors! ::shakes pointy finger of shame at doctors::

Posted by: Wanda | April 27, 2006 09:23 PM

So glad you are okay, and that you survived the ordeal with your usual wit intact. If you feel like running around Arnolding "It's noddah toooomah" all day long, you totally deserve to.

Also, I fully agree with whoever suggested above that Bo be sent to "take care of" that mean nurse. I'm sure he'd relish the opportunity.

Posted by: vague | April 27, 2006 09:47 PM

I'm glad it was benign. And what sort of fucking sadistic nurse puts that thing in your arm while you are freaking out and then leaves you alone????

Do you want me to break her kneecaps?

Posted by: liz | April 27, 2006 10:13 PM

Delurking, at long, long last.
I seriously pulled an internal organ when I read that you "buttcrawled" all over your bed. . . The sound that I abruptly --and perhaps a little loudly--barked out actually startled my normally lugubrious CAT (maybe because I barked, now that I think about it, hmm) into executing the most uncatlike display of HOLYSHITLADYWHOFEEDSMEYOUSCAREDMEWHATTHE??!! simultaneous jerking awake-cartoony scrambling in place-launching himself to the opposite side of the room ---where, at the last possible second, he remembered himself and managed, in that inscrutable cat way, to make it look like he MEANT to do that.
I'm such an admirer of yours, so I'm pleased as punch to learn of your brilliant weathering of the latest storm to assault the Doxie front. However, may I implore you, please, to find a way in the future to let the nebulous "we" know when you need our support/prayers/good vibes/all that jazz. . . ? I know its a lot to ask when you're preoccupied (terrified,obsessed) with thoughts of tumors. I had a bout with cervical C about 10 years ago; when the nurse said "Cancer" I remember feeling like I was on camera and the director ordered a series of sudden closeups on my face, punctuated with "Psycho"-like chords of organ music. Mayhap someone in or near your envied circle could post a little message if you're going to be away from your keyboard for an extended time? Listen, I'm a worrier and possess a most vivid and macabre kind of diarrhetic imagination, with just a pinch of premonition thrown in for insanity. The good times roll at my house. You have a special spirit; it shines, even through the Innernet. People LIKE and care about you. I do, for sure. I think there is power and energy in positive thinking, that's all, and maybe you would benefit in some cosmic way from all the thoughts winging their way to you (No, I swear, this is not Tom "Batsh*t Crazy, Eating Little Suri's Placenta with some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti" Cruise--oh, I can hardly bring myself to type his name). I will cease my ever so gentle reproachment and say this: I'm happy that you are fine and on your way to being ball-less.

Posted by: nowwaitjustaminizzle | April 28, 2006 12:17 AM

Miss Doxie! I am so sorry for all your troubles, yet so happy that you are all good now. I missed your wonderful writing whilst you were gone, and even said to my boyfriend "I wonder where Miss Doxie is, she hasn't posted in a while. I hope everything is ok". To which he rolled his eyes at the fact that I was wasting valuable brain power worrying about a person in the computer. But he doesn't understand that we have a dachshund connection (note to you: we have a dachshund connection). Speaking of which, if your dachshunds are like my dachshunds they'll sense the most painful, recently-surgeried area of your body and want to lie right on top of it in the most uncomfortable way. But I'm sure it will be out of love. Or dachshund bitterness that you're not feeding them RIGHT THIS SECOND.


Posted by: Laura | April 28, 2006 01:57 AM

Yeek, that sounds the scary. Glad to hear that it wasn't an evil tumour, and get better soon!

Posted by: Lisa | April 28, 2006 07:24 AM

De-lurking to say that I had a similar surgery for endometriosis last month (complete with golf-ball sized tumor-liciousness), and by the gods, was it frightening. Needles don't freak me out, but waking up from the drugs does-I wake up combative-I literally come-to screaming & swinging. Good times. Nobody likes a patient that awakens screeching "what the *%#@ have you done to my innards, you jerks!" at the top of her lungs. Trust me on that one.

Hope you feel better, and that your recovery goes smoothly. If you want to kvetch about it, feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Posted by: Allyson | April 28, 2006 09:20 AM

Leigh, I was all set to say, "I am a bad friend I had no idea and I am sending you something from your Amazon wishlist STRAIGHTAWAY," ... and then T's comment about her toothy tumor totally made me forget everything else in the world.

Take care, missy. Please email me one of these days, and I will be glad to send you Tastykake.

Posted by: Coleen | April 28, 2006 12:26 PM

Oh man, I'm really, really glad that you're alright. Sorry you had to go through that and also sorry you have to go through terrifying surgery. If it makes you feel even the teensiest bit better, there's not actually a needle in your arm when the IV is in. More like teeny, tiny plastic tubing. (Probably doesn't help much, huh?) Anyway, I feel you, except that I also envy you because after this, you hopefully will never have to have an IV in your arm ever again. Me? I have IV infusions every two months for a medication I am on (because my intestines are eating themselves.) It blows. I HATE IVS. HAAAAAAAAAATE.

Posted by: Noelle | April 28, 2006 01:33 PM

someone told me that before they put IVs in kids now they give them laughing gas. why can't they just do that for everyone?
glad you are okay.

Posted by: dcfullest | April 28, 2006 02:07 PM

gosh miss doxie; glad it's not a tumour!!! and the iv and needle thing, I am with you sister. we have a picture from when I was in labour. had to have an iv, and i covered it with a freaking kleenex to try and pretend it was not there! forget the pole and the bag, Kleenex is a universal panacea!

Posted by: lindsay | April 28, 2006 09:30 PM

Biopsies suck. I had one once before, but they didn't put me to sleep, they just numbed my neck and poked around while medical students were watching. FUN!

Posted by: Kristen | April 28, 2006 09:35 PM

So glad you are alright, I was worried!!

Posted by: Brighton | April 29, 2006 09:42 AM

I'm so glad you're OK!! And yay for pain drugs!! Rest up and get better! I am using far too many exclamation points! Shit!

Posted by: Trance | April 29, 2006 02:45 PM

Whenever I get to missing Lauren too much, I know I can always come here, get a good laugh, comment on how much she sounded like you and be glad you are here! :)

I'm sorry to hear about your travails, Miss Doxie dear, but most happy to hear (IV issues aside) that you are healthy and well. Better living through chemistry and yes, Girl Scout cookies always make up for semi-nekid door answering. Just sayin'.

Posted by: Lauren's godmommy | April 29, 2006 09:15 PM

.........and I thought you were ignoring us, I am ashamed. Glad you've been relieved of your personal golfball. Take care.

Posted by: Suz | April 29, 2006 11:00 PM

Just a theory I have....ANYTHING you write about, your fans will have their own "top THIS" personal stories.

I'm just waiting for you to die, come back to life to write about it, and end up with 58 comments, all "oh my gosh, one time I died too! I didn't see the white light, though; I'm totally jealous of you. Love your site!"

Posted by: Cassiopeia | May 1, 2006 12:15 AM

You are seriously funny! I'm glad everything turned out OK.
I would drink with you anytime, girl! Anytime!!
You come north, I'll head south and well meet in the middle!!

Posted by: hotfarmerswife | May 1, 2006 12:34 PM

Glad to hear that you are alright. Hospital time is NEVER fun.

Posted by: Lilie | May 1, 2006 02:04 PM

I am so glad you are ok .. I have been checking every day! Welcome back and YUCK on needles and tumors.

I will raise a glass in your honor on the next "protocol" moment.

Posted by: Hilo | May 1, 2006 05:16 PM

So sorry to hear of your recent terrifying hospital experiences. Glad that you are doing well now! I think everyone you know should send lots and lots of chocolate. It's only fair. :)

Posted by: Radiantsky | May 1, 2006 05:58 PM

Sorry to hop on so late -- my mom was in the hospital last week. Glad you are okay. And glad to hear any Leigh talk whatsoever. I've missed you, girl! The entire Ohana sends love (Ben, Gretchen, Erika, Joel, Sam, Matt, Julia and schnauzer Nicky). That is one whole bunch of love.

Posted by: Gretchen | May 1, 2006 09:22 PM

Internal congregations = not cool.

Miss Doxie is well = cool.

Posted by: lisame | May 3, 2006 05:29 PM

hey, good to hear that you're doing better. and here's some advice, in regards to the needle-thing, just do what bo does, poop then run away. i'll be sending you an email soon. happy recovery!

Posted by: klyde | May 4, 2006 01:51 AM

We are needing a little reassurance here, Leigh, that everything is still going well with your recovery. A word! Anything! (Little doxie licks & kisses from you-know-who.)

Posted by: Daffy | May 5, 2006 09:05 AM

I'm glad it is NODDA TOOMER and that you are now needle free.

When I had mucho drugs when I was in the asylum ... I mean hospital, I would start telling people about my recent trip to Italy (which was just before my surgury) and then fall asleep. When I'd wake up, I'd start telling it again, from the beginning. My dad was like "tell me about the end of the damn trip!" ha ha. I also went on an entire car ride that I don't remember, and got quite voilent with a nurse (who I remotely recall was being quite rude and telling me to quit whining. Excuse me bitch, you're not the one who's had an 8 pound growth removed from her inside girly parts and is allergic to almost ALL of the pain meds.)

I would think that the flower delivery guy told his buddies about his most exciting delivery of the day!

Posted by: carmen | May 5, 2006 09:28 AM

Hi there!

I'm de-lurking because I figured that it would be a nice time to tell Miss Doxie that as a fellow doggie owner, this column has been a boon to my sanity - it is just nice to know that there are other folks cleaning poo & puke at 4 a.m.

Anyway, because of Miss Doxie's contributions to my own mental well-being, I wanted to send some good thoughts her way. I am very happy to hear that all is well & I look forward to each new posting.

Posted by: Laura | May 5, 2006 01:53 PM

you okay?

i will also tell you (because for some reason I think you might be able to explain in you doggie wisdom ways) my dog's new favorite place to hang out and sleep is on top of the giant pile o' shoes in our closet. he is strange.

Posted by: dcfullest | May 5, 2006 05:51 PM

Hi, I somehow found your place. I have been reading a few posts and must say I love it! great job!

Posted by: Mike | May 7, 2006 07:09 PM

I am a nurse, so I see blood and yuck every day of my working life. I am fine with it. But when you put me in that chair and the phlebotomist comes near me, I get that clammy not-quite-of-this-world feeling. I make that poor phlebotomist count to three before he pokes me, the strong, fearless 27-year-old RN, who can't stand the sight of her own blood. I take deep breaths, followed by shallow breaths to increase my CO2, and wait for the snap of the tourniquet slipping from my arm.

I have cried both times I've given blood, and fainted the last time. The cart people had to take me away behind the partition. I have never felt so stupid.

I am so happy for you that you no longer have your golf ball. Happy healing.

Posted by: klh | May 7, 2006 10:32 PM

Wow, your style of writing is highly amusing. Haha. As for the hospital stay, eeeeek. It didn't sound like a whole lot of fun. I hate needles in me too, I passed out once when they stuck me and they made me drink some OJ. lOL.

Posted by: Amanda | May 8, 2006 12:30 PM


I recently started reading your blog as part of a class requirement... I am stunned by your ability to cope with whatever comes your way - be it Bo's "!!!! I hate the Vet!!!!" defense mechanisms or golf ball sized tumors - evil or not! If it had been me in your place, wow, I can't even imagine! Your humour over your own trials helps me through mine. Thank you for that!

Posted by: sumsunshyne | May 8, 2006 03:57 PM

Hey Sumsunshyne--

What class are you taking that assigns you to read Miss Doxie?! And how do I sign up for it?

Love and kisses,

Posted by: Cassiopeia | May 10, 2006 03:52 PM

AMISH KIDS!!! on DR.Phil!!! right now!!!

Posted by: Lauren | May 10, 2006 04:46 PM

Aw; as usual, y'all are the best. Thanks, everyone, for all your kind wishes. I appreciate it so much.

And for all of y'all who have had to go through much worse, I am just so sorry. You're in my thoughts.

I'm not going to talk about this in the next entry, because I'm very tired of thinking about medical anything at this point. But I didn't want to let all of this kindness go unacknowledged. So if you see this, thank you for your thoughts and your comments. You're all the best.

And, P.S.: Dammit, I missed the Amish kids?

Posted by: Miss Doxie | May 11, 2006 02:47 AM

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