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I Say Potato, But That Is Kind Of All I Say

March 22, 2006

Despite the number of emails I have received asking whether I do, in fact, need some bail money, the answer is no, thank you. I am not in jail. I am not in jail, or kidnapped, or shipwrecked, or anything else remotely interesting. Instead, I have been working seventeen thousand hours, because turns out: the expression "Don't make a federal case of it"? That expression is used for a reason. That reason is that a federal case is kind of a BIG FUCKING DEAL, and that means no sleep for me, at ALL, and I actually stayed awake for 41 straight hours last week, with no breaks and no naps, and by the end of that time, I turned to Dukay and asked, "Hey, what does a psychotic break feel like?" and that is when he picked me up, hauled me upstairs, and physically deposited me into the bed, and I was not allowed to work any more. I was dead asleep before he'd turned out the light. Until I woke up six hours later in a blind panic, because OH MY GOD, I just spent six hours NOT working, am I insane?

Sigh. It was kind of a long week, y'all.

I have spent most of this week recovering, and not moving around very much. I am slug-like in my recovery. We have been watching a lot of television, and it is KILLING ME that nobody I know is watching Big Love except for me, because doesn't anyone want to talk about polygamy? Come on, people! Polygamy! That's some interesting stuff, particularly when your polygamy discussion is punctuated by multiple views of a bare-assed Bill Paxton. That man sure is naked a lot. I guess if you have a whole herd of wives, you would need to be a lot naked, but...dude. I don't need Paxton Buttocks in my face every six seconds.

So, this has been a thoroughly uninteresting week. But! But but but! The time prior to the federal case and the sluggishness was very awesome, and as we may recall, it was Birthday party week. Y'all know how much I like it when people give me presents and wine! So birthdays are right up my alley.

On Wednesday night (this seems like eight years ago, incidentally), we had the actual birthday party at a fancy restaurant, and that is where I wore my pretty silk and pearl necklace, and that was awesome and a lot of fun. Then on Thursday, I went to that bachelor party. And while said party did involve a strip club, I am proud to say that I stayed fully dressed this time, and nobody saw any of my naughty bits whatsoever.

Actually, to the degree that a strip club experience can be uneventful, ours was uneventful. Nobody got arrested, or excessively drunk, and we had no run-ins with overzealous bouncers or anything, so it was a pretty run-of-the-mill night. If, of course, your standard run-of-the-mill-night involves a crop of really...sparkly naked women. In extraordinarily tall, clear-plastic stilettos. Also noted was the apparent resurgence in the popularity of the leg warmer, because most of the women there were wearing them. That was all they were wearing, however. At one point, when a be-legwarmered dancer was up on our table, my friend Spark turned to me and whispered, "Aw! Her shins were cold."

So, not much excitement at the strip club. And no other real excitement, either; the only thing that even comes close to excitement was when I accidentally locked the dogs and my breakfast in the guest room together, and that was less "exciting" and more "annoying," and also it is not particularly interesting at all, but it's all I've got. So here you go. When I have a federal case, my stories become exponentially less entertaining.

But, anyway. So, the day after we went to the strip club was Friday, and I was not going to work. I was taking the day off, because this was before someone decided to make a federal case of things, and I had a sore throat anyway, and I was planning on sleeping in, wandering aimlessly through the house, maybe doing some shopping and having lunch, and then driving up to the lakehouse with Dukay, Spark, and her husband (also known as The Couple of Awesomeness) that evening. This was the plan. Naturally, that bears no resemblance to what actually happened.

First off, sleeping in did not work.

8:00 a.m.: I am awoken by a cacophony of hysterical barking. Said barking is coming from downstairs. The dogs are freaking OUT with the maximum of small brown ferocity that they are allowed by law, as in, we are firmly in Red Zone Barking, which means either that (1) There is someone in the yard, or (2) The Roomba is on the prowl. (Note: The dogs hate the Roomba. This may have been why the Roomba was purchased.)

8:01: Barking is now punctuated by a muffled "slam!" "slam" noise, meaning that idiot dogs are now physically throwing themselves head-first at the back door at whomever is outside, because GOOD THINKING, PETS. That should scare them away.

8:02: I go downstairs to discover that a few guys from the water department are wandering willy-nilly through my back yard, looking for sewer lines or whatever. They are in no hurry. I hate them. (Note: The water department and I are not on the best of terms on any given day, thanks to the time they sent me that bill of $1,300 for water for one month, and refused to entertain the notion that such an exorbitant figure could be a mistake, and drama ensued. I am not over it. I hate you, water department, and all of your minions, too.)

8:03: I am not about to listen to several hours of Dachshund Conniption on my day off, so I gather up the dogs and bring them upstairs with me. I deposit all of them in a guest room, and decide, well, hell. If I can't sleep, maybe I will watch a movie on the guest room TV, and make myself some breakfast or something, and the dogs can just hang out with me in here.

8:04: I go back downstairs to find self some breakfast. As soon as I walk into the kitchen, this is what I hear:

runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun.

Which, when performed by an army of dachshunds on hardwood floors, sounds like:

clackityclackityclackityclackityclackityclackityclackityclackityclackityclackity.

8:05: I make a mad dash for the stairs, just in time to hear:

bumpbumpbumpbumpbumpbump,

because Gimmme is blind, and cannot see steps, and so:

thud.

8:05:30: Fortunately, I catch Blind Dog before he falls too far, retrieve the rest of the dogs (clackityclackity), herd them again into the guest room (clackity), close the door, and go back downstairs to get self some breakfast.

8:06: Hmm. I...I am really not much of a breakfast eater. I never eat breakfast, unless it is bagel day at work. I usually do not eat anything until the afternoon. Dukay doesn't much eat breakfast either, and he is pathologically terrified of eggs ("Eggs make me twitch. Twitch!" -- Dukay), so I just don't have a lot of breakfast food around.

8:08: Hmmm.

8:10: Hmmmmmm -- Aha! Mashed potatoes!

8:11: (Shut up.)

8:15: I make my potatoes, and get them all nice and warm and good (and breakfasty! Ish!), and bring the plate back upstairs to the guest room. All four dogs are sitting on the bed, all:

wagwagwagwagwag,

because I have potatoes, and HEY WE LOVE POTATOES TOO, but I am all, "That is too bad for you, for these potatoes are my breakfast, and I don't even care how big you make your eyes, MISTER Bo, you are having none of this."

8:16: I settle down to eat my potatoes, but before I actually manage that first bite, that is when I hear:

8:17: Ding dong! says the doorbell.

8:17: AHHHHHHHHH, say the dogs.

8:17: I hate everybody in the world.

8:17: Again, the dogs are apoplectic with wriggling hysteria. Again, the dogs produce a cacophony of shrill and thundering sound, because OMG, MOM, we FORGOT, but did you know that there are MEN in the YARD AHHHH?

8:18: Again, I get up, and place the potatoes out of reach on the table. Again, I close the dogs into the guest room so that Gimmme doesn't go

bumpbumpbumpbumpbump

back down the stairs, and go to the door to see what the water guys want. And, of course, they want to tell me that they are in the yard, which, yes, so I gathered.

8:20: After chatting briefly with the water guys, I go back upstairs to my promised mashed potatoes, movie, and dachshund herd. Only, when I get to the door, I notice something odd.

8:21: The door to the guest room won't open.

8:22: Wait, the door to the guest room is...locked...?

8:23: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. The door locked behind me. I locked all of the dogs, plus one plate of mashed potatoes, in the guest room.

8:23: I put my ear against the door. This is what I hear:

licklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklick.

8:23: "AHHHH!" I holler. "YOU ARE EATING MY MASHED POTATOES! STOP EATING MY MASHED POTATOES."

8:23:10: For the next ten seconds, I hear:

(silence.)

Then:

8:23:20: licklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklick.

8:45: I make my way into the room, using both a fork and a coat hanger to pick the stupid lock. And there, as a surprise to nobody whatsoever, sit four dogs -- all of whom are covered in mashed potato -- and one empty, forlorn plate upside down on the bed.

They are all looking at me, wholly delighted.

8:45: wagwagwagwagwag.

8:46: I place them all in the blender and enjoy a dachshund smoothie for breakfast. Tastes like sausage!

It is too bad that I am not a normal person who can leave her damned breakfast of mashed potatoes, confident that even if she somehow manages to lock them in a guest room, they will remain untouched by the angry little teeths of the revolutionary wiener army. That is too bad. Also too bad is the fact that I failed to take pictures of the mashed potato explosion of '06. Imagine four dogs coated in a delicious white crust, and you will pretty much be there. Damn water department.

(And...uh. That is the mashed potato story. I told you it was not that awesome. But otherwise I will have to write about work, and y'all don't want that.)

I hope y'all are doing well, and once I manage to get myself all straightened out and normal, and reply to some of these zillion emails (I'm sorry!), I will hopefully post something more worthy of your brain cells. Until then, y'all take care, and feel free to share your views on mashed potatoes, polygamy, and whether I should make a federal case of things with the water department, because somehow I feel like this is all their fault.

Posted by doxie in The Dogs (Or, Poop) | permalink

72 Comments

Glad to hear you don't need the bail money. I can't believe I'm going to be one of the first to comment - perhaps everyone else was putting together a search party?

Posted by: Littlehoney | March 23, 2006 12:28 PM

I LOVED Big Love. I hope it stays as awesome as the first one. However, I really don't see that it's promoting polygamy like people have been worrying -- if anything I'm LESS interested in having extra adults in the house now than I was before. (which was not very much, by the way)

Posted by: Leah | March 23, 2006 12:46 PM

Omg! I love Big Love too! I am very stressed about this Sunday because I have no way to tune in (I have no HBO). I lucked out by being in a hotel with free HBO for the premiere, and last week HBO did this free weekend teaser thing. So now I am hooked and have no way to watch it. The universe hates me.

Posted by: Cheryl | March 23, 2006 12:47 PM

ah, dachshunds and mashed potatoes. You may have some very interesting poop tomorrow............

Posted by: christine | March 23, 2006 12:48 PM

i didn't know leg warmers were in again. did the strippers have bad calves?

i am very sad there is no picture of the mashed potato explosion!

Posted by: Ali G | March 23, 2006 12:52 PM

What I think:

Mashed potatoes (Not just for breakfast any more! Or humans!)

Polygamy (Not a big fan, natch. But I perked up when you said nobody watches Big Love. I LOVE Big Love! I watch Big Love. I think Chloe Sevigny dresses better on the show than she does in real life, and that's not saying alot. If they cancel the show due to lack of viewers, I'm blaming the Water Dept.)

whether I should make a federal case of things with the water department, because somehow I feel like this is all their fault. (It is all their fault. Everything is there fault. World hunger, AIDS, destruction of the ozone layer, and probably my bad hair day as well.)

Posted by: Shano | March 23, 2006 01:08 PM

My birthday was the same week as yours, but sadly I didn't go to a strip club or get a cool necklace.


And the thought of mashed potatoes for breakfast sounds... oddly delicious today, but maybe it's because I just woke up and it's already noon?

Posted by: Loocy | March 23, 2006 01:09 PM

I find the psychology of Bagel Day very interesting. My office has Bagel Day on Monday, in an effort to soften the blow of the start of the week. Other offices opt for Friday, perhaps in celebration of the end of the week. Probably this reflects something about each office's corporate culture, but I'm no expert.

Then, there is the behavior of the office people on Bagel Day. One woman in my office comes in early on Bagel Day, and takes 5 bagels, putting 4 in baggies to enjoy over the rest of the week. I think this violate the tenets of Bagel Day, but she is brazen in her bagel greed. Another woman takes it upon herself to divide all the muffins in half and the pastries in quarters. What if I want an unmodified muffin? Really, Greedy and The Rationer kind of balance each other out. The Yin and Yang of Bagel Day.

Posted by: Vaguely Urban | March 23, 2006 01:10 PM

Pill Paxton!?!?!? I've been calling him Bill Pullman for weeks... Why didn't someone tell me!?!?

Posted by: Kurt | March 23, 2006 01:12 PM

I am completely and totally obsessed with Big Love. I have a bunch of questions, see my blog:
http://dcfullest.livejournal.com/14149.html
I forgot to add one: who gets pregnant first: Nicki or Marg? Cause the previews hinted that Marg unexpected becomes pregnant and Nicki says she wants to get pregnant.

OH! The Drama!

Posted by: jenn | March 23, 2006 01:23 PM

Yeah Miss Doxie has come out of Federal Case isolation!

Again, heading off to the bathroom to repair the damage the tears of silent laughter caused by the picture of the weiner army covered in mashed potatoes. I have lost more food to Maggie than I can recount - an entire roast beef, 1lb of delicious cheese, pizza, etc. Her uncanny ability to use her paws like hands and shimmy up the wall unit is a feat to be seen.

Cannot wait to hear the tale of deep fried food, Lantern Inn, Elvis impersonator et al. That I know will be a great story!

Posted by: Diane | March 23, 2006 01:24 PM

I've had mashed potatoes for breakfast before!

Also, last Saturday I saw a woman at a club in Greenville, SC that looked JUST like AB. I even asked her. I was like, "um, excuse me...is your name AB?" (Which is probably a strange question to be asked in a club.) But it wasn't, sadly. I almost had a celebrity sighting!

Posted by: Cassiopeia | March 23, 2006 01:35 PM

I LOVE Big Love too--it absolutely fascinates me! Talk away!!

Posted by: Jenna | March 23, 2006 01:38 PM

Freakonomics has a wonderful passage about honesty from the guy who quit his job to go into the exciting and (apparently) lucrative field of Corporate Bagel Delivery.

http://p2pnet.net/story/5285

You never knew there was so much depth and meaning and opportunity for analysis in the delivery of bagels, did you? It could only be funnier if there were federal funds to study it.

Posted by: Miss Fish | March 23, 2006 01:53 PM

Mashed potatoes can totally be considered breakfast - they're like really soggy hashbrowns. See? Breakfast.

Posted by: Jessie | March 23, 2006 01:53 PM

You can make some delicious breakfast from leftover mashed potatoes with some onion (maybe an egg if you have it) mixed in. Squash them into patties and FRY (you heard me right) them into potato pancakes. Eat, of course, out of dachshund range or else while standing up. Also, Leigh, why have you not cut those dogs' toenails yet? This is the voice of your conscience speaking. No clicketyclickety.

Posted by: Daffy | March 23, 2006 02:02 PM

I'm with Dukay on the egg issue. Eggs are scary, disturbing food. I have tried and tried to like them because people think you're a freak if you don't eat eggs, but I just can't do it. They're way too nasty.

Posted by: Stacey | March 23, 2006 02:03 PM

Miss Doxie: Only you can make an otherwise typical day hilarious.

I feel your pain with the human meal vs. pets dilemma.

I can't even put the plate down to go check the door. NO! If I bring a plate of food to my room to dine and watch t.v. and realize I have forgotten to get something to drink, I have to pick up the plate and bring it WITH me to retrieve said beverage for I cannot, under any circumstances, leave my plate for the 15 seconds it takes me to RUN! back to the kitchen, fling open the fridge, blindly grab any bottle or carton, slam it shut and BOLT! back to the room. Because if I do this? In that 15 seconds my meal will be half consumed by a very presently stuffed animal who LOOKS guilty but does not FEEL guilty for what he has done.

And even after I yell, "HEY! You PUNK!", and pick up the plate, he has the sheer audacity, AUDACITY, to come back and ask for the rest of it!

I will try your blender pet smoothie next time...sounds delicious.

Posted by: Serenity | March 23, 2006 02:13 PM

I love Big Love. Am obsessed with Big Love. Also, while I hear you on the constant nakedness of Bill Paxton, did you know that man is 50 years old? Am sorry, but if my ass looks that good at 50 years old, I am making HBO give me a show called Amy's Naked Ass Looks Damn Good For Her Age So Here It Is.

Ahem. Also, polygamy is a complicated and thought-provoking issue. The end.

Posted by: Amalah | March 23, 2006 02:28 PM

Okay, but next time pictures of dachsunds in leg warmers covered in mashed potatoes may be in order.

Posted by: Pammer | March 23, 2006 02:32 PM

I have been completely sucked in to Big Love. Although not Bill Paxton's ass. But I love Amanda Seyfried and Tina Majorino so yay for them! But Chloe Sevigny scares me.

I will chat about Big Love with you though!

Posted by: nic | March 23, 2006 02:55 PM

Love it! Love it! Love it!

Instead of several little dogs, we have one huge dog. There is no safe place for food in our house.

Posted by: Mga | March 23, 2006 03:00 PM

I think the water department owes you some mashed potatoes. I say you go down there with four potato-caked dogs and demand that they make you mashed potatoes.

Just tell me where to send the bail money.

Posted by: Mrs X | March 23, 2006 03:36 PM

Loved it! My laughing (snorting) woke up Mr. Bo the Bad, Bad Basset of Badness. Who can climb up onto the dining room table and...well, my neice isn't putting her bagels there anymore.

But! I must know - is Dukay's pathological terror of eggs limited to eggs as food in and of themselves (scrambled eggs, egg salad, eggs benedict, etc)? Or is he terrified of anything contaminated by eggs? Like, I hate eggs (my mom would probably say that I am terrified of eggs), but I like crepes which do have eggs in them.

Posted by: Sally | March 23, 2006 03:45 PM

I don't have HBO. Woe!

But I may or may not have had both cold pizza and a cold cheeseburger for an actual breakfast at some point in my life.

Also, last week, my breakfast was Miller Lite and a few Marlboro Ultras. Good times, if a little weird.

"bumpbumpbumpbump" might be my favorite part. Am I mean?

Posted by: Coleen | March 23, 2006 04:06 PM

Water departments - feh! A woman in Chicago-land received a water bill for some frightening amount, like $400,000, so naturally called the Water Dept. and said, hmm, my bill seems a bit high - like $399,950 too high. And the very helpful person at the Water Dept. asked her if she'd checked to see if her faucets were leaking.

Just leaves me shaking my head.

Posted by: not-that-Andrea | March 23, 2006 04:07 PM

I am watching Big Love, too. Repeatedly. Because I have On Demand. What did people do before On Demand? Oh, yeah, right. TIVO. Never mind.

Posted by: victoria | March 23, 2006 05:45 PM

My son used to love eggs, He would eat them for every meal if I let him(and if I got off my butt to fix them) but then? He discovered that dinosaurs came from eggs and now he is convinced that all eggs are 'hatching' and could possibly be dinosaurs.

And this is the 18 year old! Ok, only kidding. He's 3 and convinced that dinosaurs still roam the Earth.

He also doesn't like mashed potatoes, which confirms his 'little weirdo' status.

Posted by: Contrary | March 23, 2006 05:52 PM

Glad you're not in jail, although that would undoubtedly make an AWESOME story coming from you. And I must agree, Roomba + Dog(s) = Frenzied Barking Hissyfit. Dachshund smoothie - HEE!

Posted by: catherino | March 23, 2006 05:56 PM

Images of potato covered doxies dancing through my head! I hear the clickeyclickety on the hardwood floor of my bedroom as the prelude to my alarm clock. I swear my 2 pooches have internal alarm clocks that are synchronized with mine! Yes, I would say you should deduct the cost of your mashed potatoes from your next water bill payment.

Vaguely Urban sounds like she wants to make a federal case out of Bagel Day offenders at her office! Maybe you could help.

Posted by: ishouldbeworking | March 23, 2006 06:03 PM

I got a bad haircut today so I thought I would check your page one last time for an update before abandoning all faith in the world. Thank God for mashed potatoes and your doggie army! Also, Thank God for Bill Paxton's ass and BIG LOVE! Apparently there are more people watching Big Love than you thought ... or just everyone who reads your blog has an unhealthy interest in polygamy.

Posted by: mollyvt | March 23, 2006 06:42 PM

So is your firm representing the Plaintiff? Because I was taught that federal courts are more leinent on the Defendant. Not that I would know.

Did you get a lapdance? haha.

I would watch Big Love if you can assure me that Bill Paxton's acting doesn't absolutely SUCK in it. Am I on crazy pills? How come nobody else realizes his acting is horrible except for me?? Come on people, Frailty, Twister??

Posted by: Foxy | March 23, 2006 07:22 PM

You are just tooooo damn cute for words. Mmmmmm, mashed taters for breakfast. ALMOST as good as mac and cheese

Posted by: Bethany | March 23, 2006 10:01 PM

I am SO glad you brought up Big Love, because I LURVE that show. I have been desperate to talk about it and no one I know watched the show! Does Marg's relationship with the oldest son seem a little strange to anyone else?

Posted by: Eeek | March 23, 2006 10:48 PM

Oooh... I just started reading "Under the Banner of Heaven"
by John Krakauer... it's riveting, and so... polygamy-ish!
Welcome back from your federal case!

Posted by: victoria | March 24, 2006 02:35 AM

that was a nice composition, wrapping everything up there at the end! and even the less exciting miss doxie stories are still great fun to read :)

Posted by: chuck | March 24, 2006 02:55 AM

When I worked as a waitress, people ordered Omelettes with Mashed Potoatos all the time...I've never tried it personally, but maybe that's because eggs also make me *twitch*.

Tell me about Big Love...my co-workers watch it and ask me about polygamy all the time, now. (I'm Mormon). Mormon's don't practice polygamy, even though everyone thinks so. I guess what I'm wondering is if this show is falsly advertising Mormonism.

I'm so sad you did not capture the Mashed Potato incident on camera!

Posted by: Jenna | March 24, 2006 08:37 AM

Ooh! Ooh! I'm watching Big Love, too! Feel free to discuss at length. Am now FASCINATED by polygamy and...um...not so fascinated by the Naked Paxton Ass. However, I do agree with Amalah that it's a pretty nice ass for a 50-year-old man.

Posted by: Heather | March 24, 2006 09:11 AM

Sure, we COULD talk about polygamy... but polyamory is just as fun and less on the whole illegal thing. lol

I have such the mental image of the dachsund army in legwarmers and mashed potato shrapnel, maybe with Bo in a green beret, Gimme in shades... Oh I might just have to illustrate that lol

Posted by: Jenn | March 24, 2006 09:48 AM

I have mad love for the Big Love. You should come over to my house and watch it with me! Also, there will be wine. Come!

Posted by: Marcia | March 24, 2006 10:41 AM

A blind dog covered in mashed potatoes? That's the greatest thing I've heard all week.

Great blog by the way!

Posted by: alana | March 24, 2006 10:47 AM

Ugh. I'm always last to comment.. but great story.. really. No I'd rather hear about Gimmme almost falling down the stairs than work any day. They're so cute tho, how can you stay mad at them? :)

Posted by: Angel | March 24, 2006 01:18 PM

OMG... I am loving Big Love...which is a ridiculous thing to say, I realize. And OH YES on the Bill Paxton thing...butt all the time doesn't make me happy...I get the point...he is having a lot of sex and sex involves nakedness most of the time, so sure. But...dude..enough of the crack.

And hehehe about the dogs...gotta lov'em.

-N

Posted by: Natalia | March 24, 2006 04:25 PM

I don't have HBO and so my obsessive desire to watch Big Love and discuss it remain unsatisfied, but I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only person loving some polygamy conversations.

Thanks for the big laughs though. Woke me right up to continue work.

Posted by: Stefanie | March 24, 2006 04:53 PM

I share your loathing for public utilities companies...scheming bastards....and i have much sympathy for you over the diaboloical exploits of dogs of all sizes..especially when it comes to food...lol

Posted by: Kara | March 24, 2006 06:27 PM

I don't blame your herd for copping your homemade mashed spuds, but have you ever noticed how lacklustre so many restaurant mashed potatoes are? I mean, how hard is it to make yummy mashed potatoes? Even the most basic, mashed with salt, pepper, milk and a little butter are white, heavenly goodness on a plate. Yet many a time I've had bland watery yuck where there should have been a decent pile o' mash on my plate.

Posted by: Shawna | March 24, 2006 08:28 PM

I lurve mashed potatoes. I like to put a wee bit of garlic in 'em.
Your dogs are awesome, though I really feel bad laughing at them falling down, I do it anyway!

Posted by: Heather | March 24, 2006 09:33 PM

Dear Bo- Thank you for giving Mommy something to blog about. Good doggy!

Posted by: suz | March 24, 2006 10:43 PM

It was your sound effects that got the water to spew out my nose.

Thank you.

Posted by: liz | March 24, 2006 10:48 PM

I rather think that an uneventful trip to a strip club is funnier than an eventful trip to a strip club. and mashed potatoes are what I just had for breakfast!

Posted by: librarian pirate | March 25, 2006 01:18 PM

The only real reference that I have to Chloe Sevigny is that she tends to dress like a six-year-old being chased by a bee through Hancock's Fabrics, hollering and getting tangled up in various bolts of fabric, then finally tripping and landing in a display of Random Ugly Notions and Other Pointless Things to Make Your Clothes Look Even Uglier. Behold: http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/chloe_sevigny/index.html

Posted by: Cassiopeia | March 25, 2006 05:34 PM

HA-HA-HA-HA. My husband just had to come see why I'm sitting at the computer laughing my head off. My week was suck-y, but not nearly as bad as yours. I needed the laugh, thought. Thanks!!

Posted by: Linda | March 25, 2006 05:37 PM

I'm firmly on Dukay's team with the egg-bit - eggs of all kinds = bleagh! But smashed taties...oooh yummy! My hopes are that you survive the Federal Case and live to enjoy breakfast again soon.

I love Big Love- the sight of Bill Paxton's butt just never gets old. I'm voting for Margene being/getting knocked up soon, since she did say her boobs hurt in the second episode. Oh man.... does the fact that I remember that mean I'm hopelessly addicted?

I was thinking that the dogs could probably each wear a single legwarmer as a sweater. Cute, no?

Posted by: Meepers | March 25, 2006 11:27 PM

If you're interested in the painting I did of your pups covered in mashed potatoes, the link is below:

http://www.scrapsoflife.com/gallery/main.php?g2_view=core.ShowItem&g2_itemId=1914&g2_fromNavId=x4d200ad2

Posted by: Jenn | March 26, 2006 10:33 PM

Doxie et al. -

Did you all notice that creepy old-man Roman from Big Love is Molly Ringwald's dad from Pretty in Pink? Maybe I'm unobservant, but I just now noticed this, and it freaked me out.

Also: Chloe Sevigny is weird. Something about her tells me that she'd kick my ass in a fight...but something else about her makes me really want to fight her.

And does anyone else find that Margene chick the epitome of annoying?

Posted by: jive turkey | March 27, 2006 09:59 AM

I'm still not sure I like Big Love, but I definitely keep watching it. I think part of it has to do with the entire cast of Veronica Mars playing the kids. Otherwise I think my terror of Chloe Sevigny would make me run far away.

And to Jenna, if she's still reading -- the show makes it pretty clear that Mormons are against polygamy, don't worry.

Posted by: Gwen | March 27, 2006 11:30 AM

Yes! Big Love! My god, it is good. Sean went to high school with Chloe Sevigny (they all had to have Spanish names in Spanish class and hers was Magdalena) and once I saw her on the beach in Connecticut. One always had to drive past her house to get there. It's turquoise. Whenever I see her on TV, I can't help but think of that.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | March 27, 2006 01:34 PM

Got here via a link on The Pink Shoe. I love your blog! Your stories are hilarious. My dog will also eat just about anything, although she is not a big mashed potato fan. She'll lick the butter and salt off and leave the rest. She also believes that throwing herself at the door (or in her case the window... she climbs on the back of the couch to look out) will scare intruders away. She usually saves this tactic for squirrels or EVIL CHILDREN, though. Of course, the EVIL CHILDREN look up and see this itty-bitty dog and point and say "Oooh, puppy," rather than going away like they are supposed to, and eventually she works herself into such a state that she is hyperventilating, shaking, and NEEDS TO BE HELD, OMG).

Anyway, yes, love your blog and I will definitely be back reading more!

Also, P.S., what's a Roomba?

Posted by: Marcia | March 27, 2006 01:43 PM

Fuck mashed potatoes, and fuck polygamy. I WANT YOUR ROOMBA.

As for your work schedule, I recommend that you do what I did: Marry a handsome witty attorney (no offense, Dukay, I am speaking STRICTLY IN THE HYPOTHETICAL); bear several of his children; and then tell him that you can no longer work full-time and must instead work part-time from home, drive his children around, and shop at Target a lot.

Posted by: Gretchen | March 27, 2006 07:35 PM

Oooh, Big Love! I'm loving Big Love. Fascinating. I don't so much mind excessive Bill Paxton bottom, though.

As for the dogs, ours cannot be trusted within 5 feet of food. Out of reach? They will find a way. And they are only as tall as my knee, maybe, and that's not very tall at all. We once caught George on the coffee table scarfing a bag of Hershey's Kisses. Yeah, that was fun to clean up later. Foil = not fun for doggy butts.

Posted by: Gail | March 28, 2006 12:20 PM

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE:

http://www.katehackett.com/wordpress/?p=210

Poor potatoes. Senseless victims in a world of evil.

Posted by: Kate | March 28, 2006 10:16 PM

Tip: around doxies, always eat standing up.

Posted by: Daffy | March 29, 2006 11:09 AM

OMG, Doxie, I too thought I was the only one watching Big Love, and I'm always having the thought, "why is there so much of Bill Paxton's ASS on this show?"

The polygamy? It weirds me out. Like watching a train wreck.

Glad you're back!

Posted by: Jen | March 29, 2006 05:24 PM

Gretchen - I do not like your ideas, where Leigh marries an attorney, nor do I appreciate your gusto...Law School doesn't interest me in the slightest. And you're not going to get our ROOMBA! My work load would then increase. And if the cleaning doesn't get done, at least I can blame a robot.

And EGGS... Quite frankly, they give me the HEE-BE-GEE-BEES. I freak out, man. How do you people eat anything that smells like that when it is cooked? Everytime I am around cooked eggs in the morning, I go into dry-heaving convultions and pass out. Consciousness? LOST.

But I will eat the shit out of the chickens that come from the eggs that I so despise. (The SHIT being their tasty juicy delectible chicken meat & not fowl excrement). Let's put it this way, in my brain (and belly), the chicken came first. End of story. The rest is just a side issue.

OH - And how weird is it that you cook an aborted chicken and eat it? This disturbs me.

I do love me some dirty yard birds though. MMMmmmmmmmm.
Smack, Smack, Lick, Gulp, Ahhh.

P.S. Excellent name, "Jive Turkey". Don't let that one get away from you. Maybe we could work out a name swap? El Dukay for Jive Turkey? Think about it. Cash may be involved.

Posted by: El Dukay | March 30, 2006 12:16 AM

Thanks for the props, El Dukay. Sad to say I'm not interested in selling my "innernet handle." Because, really, what else would a 29-year-old white girl be called BUT "Jive Turkey?"

Question: if I swapped names with you, would you at least tell me what 'El Dukay' means?? How about tellin' us all right now anyway?

Posted by: jive turkey | March 30, 2006 09:05 AM

I'm with Jive Turkey (hee, that sounds funny coming from a 32 year old verrrry white girl)...tell us, tell us!!!

Also, may I please very politely request (I lie...I mean with extreme rudeness and inexcusable impatience) the saga of the meeting of Doxie and Dukay? Like soon(NOW)?

Posted by: fluttergirl | March 30, 2006 11:45 AM

I'm with you on the eggs, El Dukay.

My sister is a vegetarian, but she eats eggs, which it very gross and weird to me. She won't eat chicken flesh, but she'll eat a plate of scrambled, un-hatched chicken babies?

What always gets me are those commercials for eggs. The eggs are always wet and wiggly looking and sort of oozing onto a plate. Gah.

If you let it hatch I'll eat it.

Posted by: Sally | March 30, 2006 02:44 PM

Hee! Dukay, my dad calls chickens "yard birds" too. I'm commenting again to say that these comment posts need MORE DUKAY. And, we need the story of how Dukay and Doxie met, like STAT. No more pussy-footin' around.

Oh, and I read the earlier post somone said about Bill Paxton being 50 and I totally didn't believe it so I had to check on IMDB and, holy shit people, he really is 50 years old! How can that be, when he appeared in one of my favorite 80s movies of all time -- Weird Science -- and I just sort of assumed that, like me, Bill P. was a child of the 80s.

I think there's a Six-Degrees-of-Molly Ringwald thing happening here. Bill Paxton was in Weird Science with Anthony Michael Hall who was in Breakfast Club with Molly Ringwald who was in Sixteen Candles with Harry Dean Stanton who is in Big Love with Bill Paxton.

Kinda surreal, huh?

Posted by: Jen | March 31, 2006 01:15 AM

OH, and only one other, very minor comment -- I just returned from visiting my parents in tallahassee, where they have this store and they happen to have some chickens at that store and they like to gather the FARM FRESH eggs from the chicken coop every day. My 3-year-old son helped grandpa gather eggs, and then the next morning they had them for breakfast.

Not being an egg eater myself, I can't say how farm fresh eggs compare to the common grocery store variety... but the comment my dad made to me when I was fixing an egg for my son (one of their home grown eggs, remember) was, "break the eggs into a separate dish just in case." And I said, "just in case what?" My dad's reply? "In case there's a partial chicken embryo.

Ewwww!!!!!

Posted by: Jen | March 31, 2006 01:19 AM

I actually prefer federal court to state court. The judges are often better, and federal court deadlines (at least in my jurisdiciton) are WAAAAY roomier than in superior court.

Posted by: victoria | March 31, 2006 12:23 PM

I HATE the way it smells at Thanksgiving when someone is making deviled eggs. It makes me retch.
Dukay- you are a funny,funny boy... you know what would be even funnier? If you got off your ass and wrote us the story of how you met Miss Doxie. :) Have a nice day!

Posted by: Lauren | March 31, 2006 05:56 PM

Don't hate, y'all. Eggs rock, when done well. Scrambled beyond recognition with onion and pepper, smooshed together with fried potatoes, and wrapped all snug in a tortilla.

Of course, there isn't much egg flavor left in there after you do all that to them, now that I think about it...

p.s. Dukay comments make me giggle.

Posted by: MissFish | March 31, 2006 11:10 PM

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