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You Deserve To Be Adored

February 09, 2006

All of you! All of you deserve to be adored, except those of you who leave comments about Texas Hold 'Em. And yet, I am a bad journaler-type who leaves you with a blank page for days on end, because I am boring. I know.

Furthermore. Y'all, that last entry messed with my head in several ways. I just have to say. Firstly, I've been singing We Didn't Start the Fucking Fire for a week and a half. Billy Joel has taken permanent residence inside my brain, and there seems to be nothing I can do to remove his freeloading, broody, car-crashing ghost. And, to provide an additional dash of "psychotic" to a mix of Crazy, I keep finding myself...writing additional verses. Like, if I am thinking about things I need to get at the grocery store, my brain will immediately start sorting items into a song-friendly format, and suddenly I'm all, "Bacon, eggs and dryer sheets, cheddar cheese and sandwich meats, chardonnays, two filets, Joe DiMaggio."

It's not healthy. Also, you cannot buy Joe DiMaggio at the grocery store. But you can try.

So, anyway. Hi! I've been busy! I've been working a lot. A lot lot. Plus, I've had a whole bunch of other things going on; there was the Super Bowl (which, honestly, professional football kind of confounds me, but there's a party involved, so yay!), and there's also been this sudden onslaught of dinners and various celebrations and movie-going, and etc., and it isn't all that exciting, but it is fun, and there you go. That is how we roll.

And on top of that, is the Secondly, which is that suddenly, I've become all self-conscious, I guess, about posting. I mean, I kind of went all out for my last entry (and let me just say, writing that song? Took no time. LINKING to all those entries, on the other hand, was a many-houred affair), and now it seems like my regular whining is sorely insufficient. In short: apparently, I suck now! Sorry about that.

Also, I haven't really had any interesting drama as of late. I haven't fallen down or anything. I haven't smacked into any columns in the parking garage, even. Mine is suddenly a quiet life. And, yes, we all know this can't last, but let us embrace it for now! I am not even bruised anywhere! It is eerie, like ghosts.

So, seeing as I have no new news, and seeing as I am home from work today, we are going to do something new and different. Or...well, okay, not totally new, or even particularly different, and I think I am actually stealing this idea from Coleen, because I'm stealy, but it is the best I can do at the moment, so there.

Anyway, I have been getting all manner of questions in my email, and there tends to be a lot of overlap, so I've been meaning to answer them all in an entry, or on a separate FAQ page or something similarly high-tech and important sounding, but there's something kind of...I don't know, self-aggrandizing, maybe, in thinking that your life requires a list of frequently asked questions, and I think it is certainly necessary for some personal websites, but, man. I am just not that important. Or interesting, for that matter, and so I haven't done it.

But then, I keep getting the same few questions. And I keep sending the same few answers. And that makes me think, "Self, is this not the very definition of a frequently asked question? Do these questions qualify as both 'frequent' and 'asked'? Why, indeed they DO," and that is how we got to this entry. Hi!

So, this is how we are going to play this. I am going to start a list of questions. Y'all are going to ask more, either in the comments or over email, if you'd prefer, and I'll answer them here by updating throughout the day. I'm closing the inquiry tomorrow-ish, I guess, and then voila, we'll all have a handy little place to go when you are about to die because you can't remember something tremendously and terribly critical, like how many dogs I have, and all human life hangs in the balance of you knowing this answer, and there, shining like a HOLY BEACON, is this entry, thank God.

(Incidentally. The first time I typed that sentence, I typed "holy bacon." Which is just so, so much funnier. People, do you shine like a holy bacon? Why, I think you do!)

So, here we go! Frequently Asked Questions I Get All The Time, Here Come Your Answers!


Oh, that. Uh, yeah. We've been waiting for that story for a while now. This is, by far, the most often-asked question in the history of the world. It is more often asked than "What is the meaning of life?" or "Where are my car keys?" Friends, who I have met outside of this site, who I have known for years, leave me voicemail messages about this. They send me emails written in the blood of virgins. Even my mother is like, "What the fuck?"

And yet, all I can tell you is that I think Dukay is maybe...I guess we can say "terrified." He is terrified of having to write his own entry, and I swear that the poor boy is working on something, and ultimately, he'll finish, but he's never exactly had to do this before. So Dukay has entered a realm of befuddlement, armed with only his Sherpa (FAQ #2: What, exactly, is a Sherpa?) and, like, a walking stick, and we may never see him again.

So, answer: Um. I don't know. But one day, it will arrive, or else I'll get fed up and write the damn thing myself already, because...hee. It really is a funny story. But now I am just taunting you a second time.

2. Wait, how many dogs do you actually have? Four or eight? Also, how many is that in square feet?

I have four dogs living at my own house: Boris and Natasha, Gimmme that Ugly Dog, and Pugsley the Wunderkid. My parents have the other four, and they live at their house. They are Max, Maggie, Wednesday (to go with the Pugsley), and the toothless Lucy. Combined, they are infinity square feet, particularly when they are all in bed with you.

3. Why do you never post? You never post. Just like you never write, or call, or visit.

Dude, I know! I'm sorry. I just get so damn busy, and I feel like it is cheating to just post something little, and so I wait until I actually have the time to do an Actual Story Thing, With Plot And Characters, and by then the screen's gone all blank. Also, somehow, when I sit down and think "Now I will write something funny!", sometimes what comes out is actually all dark and broody and not funny a bit, and I'm not exactly sure where "dark" and "broody" come from, but I am going to blame the fact that I watch really depressing movies. (Capote, I am looking at you right now.)

So, that's why. I'm sorry it's not more, but I do try to post whenever I've got something interesting to share (and, oftentimes, despite the fact that I do not have anything interesting to share whatsoever. See: this entry.)

4. Where oh where did the title of this entry come from?

Okay, so, this is not actually a frequently asked question, because nobody has asked it ever except for me. But I am asking it now on behalf of all of you, because y'all want to know that it comes from a song called Sentimental Flaw, which is performed by this band, and you can listen to it right here or right here, and I will wait while you do that.

(I am waiting.)

Okay, now, wasn't that so good? I sing it kind of all the time. Anyway, that band is very nice and Glenn is actually related to me now (he married my cousin one time!) and Michael is very cute and is the lead singer, and he is very good with the dogs. Furthermore, when he is sitting on my couch and I tell him to play me that song right now, seriously, yes, he will actually do that and not look at me like I am some crazy fangrrrrl. They're about to go on tour, so if they come to your town, y'all should totally go, but if you live in Atlanta, then you should totally come to their show on February 10, this Friday night, and you should say hello to me and Dukay, and we should totally have a drink together, like, totally.

(And, yes, this has no place in this entry, but, you know. Whatever. Now you have something in your head besides We Didn't Start the Fire! You are welcome!)

So! That's all I can think of. Y'all come up with some questions, and I'll do my best to answer them. I guess I should go ahead and tell you that I won't answer anything too personal, and that I can't give legal advice or anything, but other than that, go to town. Starting...now! If you...care! Which you...might not! And that is...also fine!

But, anyway. So, here are some questions so far:

When are you and Dukay getting engaged?

Oh, Mom. You are not fooling me with the fake name and website, you tricky lady! Shoo!

In all seriousness, Dukay and I have been dating for four years, and we both plan on getting married (to each other, even!), but now's just not the time. Dukay's only 25, anyway, and I'm in no particular hurry. So, when we do ultimately get engaged or whatever, I will let y'all know, but nobody should be holding their breath.

And yes, Mom. That means you. Exhale!

How did you and El Dukay meet?

This is kind of what Dukay is supposed to write about, but I'll tell you this much: blind date. Yes. My sister set us up. I may now owe her my firstborn, except for when Dukay is bad, and then I call her up and curse her repeatedly.

How did El Dukay get his name?

Sadly, I can't even answer this, because I didn't give it to him. For some odd, unknown, mysterious reason, Dukay's been called that for years by some of his friends. They don't remember where it came from, either, but feel vaguely that it may have something to do with his hair. And, feel free to puzzle away on that one, because I don't have a fucking clue what that's supposed to mean.

What sort of law do you practice?

The hard kind! Basically, employment stuff. And that is all I will say about that, because I don't want to be up 'n fard.

Will you write a book, because books are way funner than briefs?

Oh, good one. I do get that one a lot. And the answer is: hopefully, maybe, some day. I don't have the brainpower for a novel or anything, but maybe I'll put together a book of essays. I don't know how well my writing would translate into a book, though, so who knows. If I do write a book, however, I will have much fun naming it. I am leaning towards either "Estelle" or "Spot."

How do you know so many intelligent and generally fabulous people?

This is another one I get asked a lot. Y'all are way, way better at this than I am.

I know most of these intelligent and fabulous people through this intelligent and fabulous person, who introduced me to these two intelligent and fabulous people, and ultimately I met some more intelligent and fabulous people, and it just keeps on going and it is all very circle of life! or something. All of these people, incidentally, are ten times more intelligent and fabulous than I am, so I lucked out.

Will you be my friend?

I am your friend! I am very close to you right now! In fact, I am so close, I might actually be (dun dun DUN) in your house. Check the closets.


Why are you so pretty?

That is very kind of you, but obviously, you have never seen this previously-undisclosed picture, in which the world finally discovers what happens when a pufferfish mates with a linebacker:


See? THAT could be hiding in your closet! Flee!

Do the dogs like having their picture taken?

Let me tell you something. Bo recognizes the camera, and whenever it appears, he immediately goes into a series of poses, opening and closing his mouth, looking at the camera, stretching, and basically being an enormous, brown, log-shaped ham. All the other dogs are much more reserved, and couldn't give a shit one way or the other. Bo, however, would like to be famous, please. Any day now, Dog Fancy will finally call!

Why do I still have red eyes in that about picture/why haven't I updated my about page/similar questions

Hee. Because, dear internet, I can do nothing on my own site. I really can't. There's a typo on that about page (can you find it?) that's been there ever since the beginning of time, but I have no idea how to get in there, or how to make changes, or how to switch out the picture (Dukay hates that picture, by the way, and I have repeatedly promised to replace it with something else, but I am lying), and so we all just live in an uncomfortable place where I may be driving this bus, but I have no idea what all the buttons do. Or something. Okay, that was a lame metaphor, but you know what I mean.

Short answer: because I'm a moron. And, now that I think about it, a lot of these questions can probably be answered this way. I'm an idiot! Moving on!

How old is Dukay?

He is a wee little 25 year-old. We started dating a little after his 21st birthday. (See, I have some minimum requirements. Like, he has to be able to buy me a drink. Or else, he needs a really awesome fake ID.)

If you weren't a lawyer, what else would you have done?

Ooo. Good question. I want to immediately launch into a list of professions (and, here comes the song again: "Pilot, spaceman, doctor, cook, author of a children's book, stock broker, midnight toker, Joe DiMaggio!")

Just kidding. I don't really want to be Joe DiMaggio, as I believe he is currently dead.

I kind of always wanted to be a lawyer, honestly. I thought about being a doctor for a while, but know what I hate? Blood. Vomit. Urine. Fluids of any kind that can come out of someone and splatter in various places. So, "doctor" was not so much the path for me.

One time I worked as a gift-wrapper though, and I discovered that I really rock at gift-wrapping, like I am some kind of wrapping prodigy, so maybe that was my Destiny, but I got sidetracked. You never know.

Can we watch Ziz on TV?

Right now, Ziz is just doing behind-the-scenes stuff, so she's not actually on television at the moment. Sometimes she gets tossed in for roles, though, so I'll tell y'all when she'll be on, and we can all watch, and agree that she is the very best "Second Girl From Right" in the history of all "Second Girls From Right" everywhere and at any time.

How did you start with a blog?

Boredom. Total boredom. I started a new job (not this one), and had nothing, ZERO to do, and basically surfed to the end of the internet. I stumbled upon some other sites, realized that other people were doing this writing thing, online, gasp, the possibilities!, and so I put together the most basic website ever, using a drag 'n drop program, and possessing no knowledge of HTML whatsoever. And lo, the site was born, and I am still completely shocked that anyone actually reads it.

Why do y'all have those dachshund dogs? Why not a nice lab? What's WRONG with a nice LAB?

(Anyway, that is how Dukay asks that question.)

My mom grew up with chihuahuas, and has always liked small dogs. Chihuahuas, however, as a breed, hate my father. They attack him at random. Apparently, his aura offends their tiny pride or something, I have no idea, but my dad and chihuahuas just don't mix.

My parents have been dating since they were 15 (yes), and so Dad decided he'd better do something to curb the chihuahua trend and save his bloody ankles, and so he bought my mom her first dachshund. This was Saucie, and Saucie lived with my parents for something like 15 years, and was still kicking when I was born. And she was great with me, and used to push the side of my cradle to rock me, and it was all very adorable and tugged many a heartstring, and my parents were both just crazy about this breed.

So, later on, we got another one when I was nine, and then I got one when I finished law school, and then, much like Gremlins, we got them wet and fed them after midnight and now we have EIGHT, run for your LIVES.

How old are you?

Seven million! Alpha! Paisley! Twelve! Twenty-eight!

One of those is correct. Guess which!

Although, I will be 29 in less than a month, so go ahead and anticipate drunken debauchery.

Where do you shop for house things/where did that coffee table come from, and why in the name of God is it so blue?

And, once again, I have rephrased a question in the form of "things Dukay says." Actually, he likes that table, but it is quite blue. Which stands out a bit, considering that nothing else in the room is anything close to that color, but "matching" is not my strong suit, and -- oh. Question!

Honestly, I get a bunch of stuff from random places; Target and Ikea for some stuff, random antique or junk stores, estate sales, whatever for others. I tend to like the kind of furniture in West Elm or Design within Reach, but then I always end up softening it up with pillows or something, because I can never really decide what look I'm going for. The effect can be described generously as "eclectic," or less generously as "Wait, but none of this actually...matches. Does it."

And, the blue table came from a street fair in Atlanta; there's this guy who goes to these old, torn-down farmhouses and takes the wood, then builds it into furniture with other old house pieces (the blue table has a glass top that covers an old tin roofing tile, for example). It's awesome, but possibly illegal, so maybe my table is a crime. Shh!

Why does Gimmme have three M's in it?

Heeee. Because I thought it was funny. That's really the only reason. Sometimes, Gimmme wants things that are outside the box! Sometimes, you can't be bound by traditional rules of the English language! Sometimes, you just need that extra M! And, if any dog has ever had extra M, Lord knows that it is my Gimmme. Especially if the M stands for Mmmmanliness. Or, Mmmmaybe slightly overweight.

How did you recover from the stranger's porn story?

I am pretty sure my screams of terror did well in convincing him that the porn was not my own. And, yes, I did end up explaining the whole thing to him in painstaking detail, which probably had the unanticipated effect of making me appear to be a complete psychotic ("I have to look under BEDS! For BODIES!"), but there you go. It all worked out fine in the end, and I like to think he found me to be "charmingly quirky" and not "person who needs to be heavily medicated."

How come there are never any children on your site?

I really don't know any children. Only a few of my friends have had babies, and those aren't anywhere near me, so I just never see kids, I guess. Also, sometimes when people bring over their children, I accidentally show them porn. So maybe there is actually a reason behind all this, and I am just now figuring it out, and y'all! I will try not to scare the children! Bring them back! I will not cook them into a pie!

What profession would you not like to do?

Anything involving splattering fluids, as described above. Unless they are delicious fluids.

What movie could you watch over and over?

One time I accidentally watched Doc Hollywood twice in a row, but I was on some pain medication and cannot be blamed.

For some reason, I love the original Poltergeist, Jaws (yeah, yeah, I have no taste), and To Kill a Mockingbird (that is reasonably classy!). I am also strangely compelled to watch Working Girl every time it comes on TV. I am a huge dork when it comes to most 80's movies, and I strongly believe that nobody puts Baby in a corner.

What is your favorite curse word?

Hee. Obviously, it's "Bo."

Where would you go on vacation if money were no object? Would Dukay be invited?

I'd go to London, probably, because my French is le terrible and it is already too easy for me to get lost and confused and turned-around in my own language. And of course I would take Dukay, because he speaks English, too! It's, like, this total coincidence.

Where did you go to college/law school?

I usually don't answer that kind of question, just because I try to maintain some semblance of anonymity here, but I'll say that the Nashville guess was correct, and then I spent some time in Athens. (And, just so you know, I'll probably actually delete this question and answer before too long, but it seemed rude to ignore y'all, because those are perfectly reasonable questions, and I am just a big old chicken. Hi!)

Do you have a My Space account/flickr account/friendster thing/etc.?

I think I had a friendster thing about a million years ago, but I am sure it's up and died by now. I have a flickr page here. I don't have anything else, though. So, if you find someone claiming to be me, you are required to stand up and scream "IMPOSTER!" before slapping them about the face with your clean white gloves.

What kind of makeup do you use/how do you put it on?

I really can't believe that I actually get this question with any regularity (which I do), because I am absolutely clueless about all makeup. Like, shamefully so, and I only buy makeup at Target or the grocery store. My guiding principle seems to be "cheap is good enough for me!" and I am sure this makes my dermatologist shudder in terror, but you know. Whatever works.

I don't really have any tips, either; I guess I just -- I don't even know! I am no use here whatsoever. I'm sorry! I mean, look, y'all, we have finally stumbled upon a subject where I have nothing to say.

I will note, however, that I do really like one pricey-ish thing, and that's Dandelion by Benefit, which is just a happy pink powder thing you can sweep across your cheeks. You can wear it with or without any other makeup, and it really takes away the walking dead thing I usually have rocking in the morning (and, don't believe me on that? Ask Dukay. Seriously. My head wakes up last).

But, I don't really have any other tips, I guess. I am no help to you!

What's your favorite color?

Blue-greens. Like the table, actually. Or the top of this site. But I wear a ridiculous amount of black, because I am a little attorney in mourning.

How tall are you?

About five nine, five ten. Dukay is six four, so we are a towering people. This is why the king bed!

Do you smoke? Does Dukay smoke?

I do, but shouldn't. Every once in a while, I try to stop, and I should. Mostly, I smoke at night, and particularly when we're out drinking or something. And yes, it is a nasty habit, and yes, there goes my complexion and my teeth and my pearly pink lungs, and yes, I know all of these things, and I agree with every last one of them. I'll actually suck it up (pun!) and stop before too long.

Dukay doesn't smoke, and I am sure it annoys him to no end that I won't just quit already.

What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?

Wine. Wiiiiine. Any color except pink, any flavor that is not sweet. It doesn't have to be nice or expensive, or even served in an actual glass, but it's my drink of choice. I don't like beer, and I don't drink much liquor, but if we're out and there is no wine (gasp!), I will have a dirty martini (with exxxtra dirty) or a seven and seven. I don't do shots because I am lame, and also, eighty years old.

Are you a good cook? Is Dukay?

No and NO. With a capital enn oh, NO. Last time Dukay cooked me dinner, we had Chef Boyardee and grilled cheese sandwiches. I am not kidding.

We do a lot of takeout or heat-up food, but I can cook some things, and I make those pretty regularly. I make a good baked ziti, and Dukay can grill the hell out of some steaks or chicken, so we can, like, feed ourselves. But if you are looking for someone who can make you a roux, whoa nelly, are you in the wrong place.

Coke or Pepsi?

Diet Coke is lifeblood to me. I will not hear any words to the contrary, and don't anybody dare slander this perfect, God-like beverage.

Why did you move to Atlanta?

I just really like Atlanta. I went to high school here, I have a lot of friends here, my family's here. Also, I am not very adventurous. My sister can move off to L.A. and be all big, but I'll just stay here, thanks.

What happened to the embroidered pants, the pants of terror, the cause of great shame?

I will let you in on an little secret. I actually...hee. Okay, I actually do not hate the pants. I mean, yes, they're very different and all, but if anyone can pull them off, it's Dukay. He's just too damn cute. So, the pants are safe for now. But if he irritates me, I make no promises, because he loves those pants probably a little too much to be healthy.

Do you talk like you write?

I talk exactly like I write. Which is to say, I talk a lot. Seriously, you would really like for me to shut up now. No really.

And, more more more, just like Billy Idol says:

Did you ever get into trouble as a kid?

Listen, I am, and have always been, a tremendous dork. I was the teacher's pet who cried too easily, who wore her hair in the perfectly obnoxious little braids, the whole fucking deal. So I didn't get into too much trouble, unless it somehow involved, say, my innate clumsiness.

As a little kid, the worst trouble I ever got into came from the time I tried to sit on my grandmother's coffee table. Which was, at the time, home to her antique tea set. The table collapsed, the entire set (like, every single fucking cup) shattered into one jillion pieces, and I was in what was, up to that point, the biggest trouble of my little lame life. To this day, I am still nervous when I'm in the same room with expensive breakables, because I really am the bull in the china shop. I'm a blonde bull, but I am a bull all the same.

Now, when we move on into high school, there were maybe one or two things I got busted for, but honestly, not too many. And that is only because I am cagey, and did not get caught. And, they were all kind of boring anyway, because again: I am a dork.

What does your family think about this site?

I really can't tell you how lucky I am when it comes to my family, because they're all insanely awesome. My parents and my sister are all my best friends, and I'll tell them pretty much anything. They support me, they love the site, and they've never asked me to not write about anything. My sweet mom, in fact, doesn't even read it, because she's afraid it will make me self-censor. And when she told me that, I went out and had sex with a lot of very hot men to celebrate. And then I did some crack!

No, I kid. But, they're awesome. And, while they've never requested that I not write about something, I guess I just don't do it on my own; I wouldn't expose some huge family secret here or anything. I won't write about secrets anyone tells me, obviously, no matter how completely awesome a story they might make. And, when Sis died, I know my whole family read all of your comments, and everyone appreciated those so much. They're just very cool about all of this.

Have you always been funny?

I just can't believe anyone thinks I'm funny (right now, a whole bunch of people at home nodded in agreement, all, "Me either!"). But, I guess, this has always kind of been me. I do write the way I talk, so the sort of things you see here are pretty much the same sort of things that will come spilling out of my mouth. Including all those bad words I use. Like ass.

Does anybody else in your family write?

My maternal grandfather was a writer, but he wrote books about religion and important scholarly things. I don't think anyone else has ever devoted seventeen paragraphs to describing how they once threw their own poo out a window, so I'm blazing a trail here. Future generations! Follow my lead!

Are you the same person as you are on the Internet?

Again, I'm really just not that different. I don't think, anyway. Now y'all have got me all curious, and I'm kind of tempted to call Robyn and be like, "Hey! Am I a big liar? Is it raining where you are? Do you want some wine?"

Have you made any progress w/that guitar playing thing?

I can play a really fucking awesome E. And besides that...no, actually. I can't switch between chords! Dukay says it just takes practice, but I am pretty convinced that there must be, like, a pill I can take that will give me this ability. Also: guitar strings hurt your fingertips. And I am a massive wimp. That is an inauspicious beginning to this relationship.

Is Ikea all it's cracked up to be?

Well, yes. And, no. It's huge, and there are a lot of very awesome things here, but it is also a pain in your ass. Because you can't just run in for something; you must commit for several hours of your life. There is no dating here! Marriage only!

But, I've really liked everything I've ever gotten there, and considering my propensity for breaking shit, $2 wine glasses are exactly my speed. So, yeah. You should definitely be sick with sadness if you don't have one near you. They should make a pill for that.

What restaurants/activities/shops would you recommend in Atlanta/where do you buy your clothes?

We're all over the place in this city, but a lot of what we do depends mostly on what we like, and where our friends are, and all that. We like One and Two, but hate Piebar. A lot of people go to Compound, but I'm not a huge clubber-type, so I'd really rather hit a little wine bar or something. And there's always the new Aquarium, and the gorgeous Oakland cemetery, if you like to take pictures.

For shopping, I'm not tremendously creative, and I usually just get my clothes at the mall. But there are also a whole lot of very cool vintage stores I love in Little Five Points, and some great boutiques (I am partial to this one) in Highlands. And I get a lot of stuff there. And, in turn, they keep a substantial chunk of my income, so I guess it works out for everyone.

Did you have to buy a whole new wardrobe of suits?

Having your suits machine washed and dried was...well, it was a new experience for me, but you'd be amazed at how many came out looking pretty much exactly the same as before. Only, you know. Cleaner.

A couple were totally fucked, and anything made of silk died a nasty death that fateful day, but for the most part, it turned out to not be the biggest catastrophe of all time. And yet, I think next time, I will just go to the dry cleaners.

What is your favorite lame joke?

HA! That is an awesome question. It is as follows:

Q: What is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, you'll die?


A: A pool table.

This is funny, because this is true.

Have you ever heard this joke? - Two snowmen were standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

Hee. No. But I love lame jokes. Could you maybe tell?

If you adopted a little boy and a little girl RIGHTNOW, what would you name them?

Annabelle and Ryan. Or, Olivia and Parker. Or, Paperclip Stapler Candlestick Joy and Bottle *Moon* Redux, if I also decided to take up a variety of hard drugs.

What is your favorite TV show?

Lord. Listen, it's...24. I know it's impossible, and I hate it so much, and I wish Kim would just get mauled by a damn bear or whatever this season and that maybe people would start doing one thing that makes some degree of sense, but still! Still. Kiefer. I can't disrespect Kief, after all we've been through together (and, this would include two nuclear attacks and a smattering of biological warfare. Which is kind of a lot, you guys).

I also watch Arrested Development and Family Guy whenever I can, I love the Office and My Name is Earl, and I cannot be dragged away from an episode of the Sopranos or, my personal broody favorite, Six Feet Under. And, this is yet another reason why I am a nerd. In case you were keeping track.

And, why, looky there! I'm finally caught up. Granted, it is...yeah, 12:49 in the morning right now, but I am enjoying this sense of accomplishment for the moment. I'll pick back up tomorrow when I can, and then I'll close comments before too long, because I am nowhere near interesting enough to warrant all these questions.

So, thank you all for participating; this has actually been a lot of fun, and I hope y'all are mildly entertained, at least. And if you're not, then I think we can all be comfortable blaming someone else. Someone like El Dukay.

Posted by doxie in The Innernet | permalink


I hope this doesn't come across as nosey or, much worse, rude. But here is my nosey, rude question: You and Dukay have been together for four years (I think) - any plans to get engaged? And if so, will you write a blog entry about it when it happens?

Posted by: chillier | February 9, 2006 12:52 PM

This isn't a question for you and maybe I'll come up with one later, but I just wanted to share that when I looked at the web address for the band I read it as "There Winds" and I thought, "Hee, what a funny name". And as I was purusing their website I realized they were called "The Rewinds", but I still read that last part as "wind", the stuff that blows through the air and again thought, "Hee, what a funnier name". And my God it took me ten minutes to figure out it was "Rewinds", as in the opposite of fast forwards. Sheesh!

Posted by: corey | February 9, 2006 01:15 PM

Okay, I have two. Actually, I have more (nosiness), but I will only ask two. Then I will seem interested, rather than nosy. If it were a date, that would be the difference between getting a call the next day and being TOLD I would get a call the next day, but then never hearing from the boy again, because I was too nosy.
1. How did you and El Dukay meet?
a. How did El Dukay get his nickname?
2. What sort of law do you practice?
See? Technically two questions! I'm clever like that. But you are totally not going to call me tomorrow.

Posted by: Chryseis | February 9, 2006 01:31 PM

This is not a question either, but I read it as "HOLY BACON" AND "There Winds." God only knows what else my brain has mis-processed today...

Posted by: E. | February 9, 2006 01:43 PM

They're great

Posted by: Liz | February 9, 2006 01:59 PM

Here's mine: are you tempted to write a book? Because, seriously, you're funny as hell! Please, write a book. Wouldn't that be more fun than writing a brief, for Pete's sake?

Posted by: shaxgirl | February 9, 2006 02:02 PM

Do you really only ever get asked three questions? I was expecting the FAQ post to be longer. Do you often write FAX or FAZ instead of FAQ?

Okay, real question...

How do you know so many intelligent and hilariously interesting people? If I become your friend, will I also become intelligent and hilariously interesting? Will you be my friend?

Posted by: Maggie | February 9, 2006 02:04 PM

I too saw There Winds. And I can't think of a good question, but why are you so pretty? Can I be pretty too? If so, how?

Posted by: Heather | February 9, 2006 02:08 PM

What Maggie said.

PS. Scottie the foster dog found a wonderful home. We now have a HUGE rottie we named Pumpkin. Mock freely.

Posted by: Kristina | February 9, 2006 02:13 PM

OH, I am SO glad you're okay. With all that blank-pagey whiteness, I was worried one of your appliances had attacked you and severed your typing limbs. Which I understand is highly unlikely, but still. You do kind of have a history with appliances. And also, you just never know what a food processor might be capable of.

Questions...hmm...I am currently staring at Bo's cute little likeness down there in the corner of the screen, so I guess a question about the doggies is in order.

Do the dogs like having their pictures taken, or do they get angry or shy (or just indifferent) when you whip out your camera?

Posted by: LadyBug | February 9, 2006 02:16 PM

longtime lurker/reader delurking. First let me say your writing rocks. I can't drink anything while visiting your site because it ends up all over the screen or I almost choke.

Anyway - my FAQ: How old IS dukay anyway? once you referred to him as jailbait, so i was just wondering n stuff.

Posted by: JO | February 9, 2006 02:16 PM

Mmmmm... holy bacon. All bacon is holy, is it not?

I have only one question, darling: Why do you still have demon eyes on your About page when I sent you multiple versions of that picture altered to make your eyes more prettyish and less demonish? I mean, if you want to caption that photo "and here is where I do mind-control on the dogs" then I get it, but otherwise.... ;)

Posted by: Mir | February 9, 2006 02:16 PM

Another lurker delurking!

If you hadn't become a lawyer-type person, what other type person do you think you would have become instead?

Also: what all the other praise-for-Doxie-filled people said above. We like you! We really like you!

Posted by: scarlettbgonya | February 9, 2006 02:29 PM

Mir's question sent me to your about page which reminded me of this question: you say Ziz gets to be on television sometimes? When, so we can be supportive and watch her?

I just checked my closets and you were not in them, which was a bummer.

Posted by: holley | February 9, 2006 02:36 PM

I love the FAQs. I STILL have Billy Joel in my head. Dammit. I don't know what FARD means though. Something lawyerly? Probably not a FAQ however.

And, I don't know if qualifies as a FAQ but how did you get started with the So-Funny-I-Make-Snarfling-Noises (to hide the fact that I am not, in fact, Working) Blog? was there a Significant Event in your life that precipitated such a thing? or is this posted somewhere and I've just missed it?

Thanks for making me laugh so much~! :)

Posted by: DurtGrrl | February 9, 2006 02:41 PM

Hee! I love your questions & answers. I can relate to the when are you going to get engaged question. I've been with my guy for three years and we're living in sin and all, and people are just dyin' for us to say we're engaged. Sheesh. Anyway, my question- tell us about the dogs. When did you & your family fall in love with them and why that type of dog- there's got to be a story there! :)

Posted by: Lisa | February 9, 2006 02:42 PM

I don't have a question - I hope that's okay. I am just not the World's Most Inquisitive Person. (It is possible that I am a little bit Simple.)

I do have a couple of comments: I did the same thing with the band name (There winds? The re-winds? I don't get it...) and also, when I had "We Didn't Start the Fire" running through my head all last week, I found that it helped to sing "The Safety Dance."

Posted by: sortasandy | February 9, 2006 02:43 PM

Oh joy! An interative entry!

I have a follow-up question to Jo's question:

How old are YOU? And don't lie.

p.s. I too read The Rewinds' web address as There winds. And I thought, what does THAT mean and what does THAT have to do with The Rewinds. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't figure it out until I read Corey's reply. hee!

Posted by: FourThumbsUp | February 9, 2006 02:44 PM

OK, here's a question for you:

Your house is so pretty! (Sorry, that was more of a statement). I'm wondering, what's your favorite place to shop for house-y type stuff? And, more specifically, where oh where did you get that awesome coffee table I've caught a glimpse of in a few of your photos?

Also, if you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be? (just kidding!)

Posted by: Heather | February 9, 2006 03:07 PM

I'm actually a *new* reader, but I feel weird saying "reader" like you're a columnist or celebrity or whatnot, but you kind of are since I found your website through a Six-Degrees-of-Doxie kind of thing...

Anyway, my question is: "Why does 'Gimmme' have three M's in it?"

PS...Best name for a dog EVER. Also, my boyfriend gets the giggles everytime I say "Mister Bo."

Posted by: Casey Mac | February 9, 2006 03:12 PM

Miss Doxie:
First of all, I really enjoyed your Billy Joel summary - in fact, I enjoyed it so much I almost got in trouble for laughing in Constitutional Law and then again in Interviewing and Counseling. Anyway - my favorite was the one about holding someone else's porn. Here's my question for ya - how did you recover from that? And did you ever tell the partner guy the explanation of how you came to have 1989 Asian Porn in your room? Were things completely awkward for the rest of the trip or did ya'll just laugh it off over a mai-tai?

Posted by: erikaboo | February 9, 2006 03:12 PM

I don't mean this at all to sound critical. I have noticed a lack of reference to an entire population segment; the underaged. Do children ever enter your sphere? Do you like kids? Do you know any?

I mean, it may be you never see any. Or it may be people keep them hidden from you. Just askin'.

Posted by: Miss Fish | February 9, 2006 03:19 PM

I have questions now!

1. What profession would you not like to do?
2. What movie could you watch over and over?
3. What is your favorite curse word?

(Look at me - I'm James Lipton!)

Posted by: Corey | February 9, 2006 03:23 PM

Oh, and isn't FARD = fired? But with that aks-aynt, rahht?

Posted by: Miss Fish | February 9, 2006 03:26 PM

I also read it "there winds" and thought they were gonna fart for us or something.

Anyways... question... Where would you go on vacation if money were no object? And would you want Dukay to be there with you?

Posted by: jennifer | February 9, 2006 03:43 PM


*jumps up and down*

I will be 29 in just OVER a month. Drinks on me!

Posted by: Kristina | February 9, 2006 03:44 PM

Because I am a silly law studenty person, I am required, by some statute or something, to ask you what law school you went to.... I know, silly, but I was just interested :).

Thanks for making my hours of procrastination from Con. law and Torts and Contracts full of hysterical laughter. You really do tell the best stories.

Posted by: internatlgirl | February 9, 2006 03:56 PM

I just downloaded that song for my MySpace profile! It really is good. Do you have a MySpace profile? Can we be friends?

Posted by: Allyson | February 9, 2006 04:00 PM

OH! I have another question:

How do you get your make-up so perfect looking? Are you just naturally good at applying it? Do you have a make-up applier person? Did you get some kind of professional coaching? Do you trick us and airbrush your photos to make it look perfect? What brand of make-up do you use?

(okay, so that was a bunch of questions)

Posted by: FourThumbsUp | February 9, 2006 04:05 PM

Ok, my question is...did you go to Vanderbilt for undergrad? Because there have been a few Nashville references and they sounded strangely Vanderbilt-like. Anyway, I went there, I graduated in '01 so I'm a little younger, but if that's where you went, I'm so sad I didn't know you while you were there!

Posted by: Rebecca | February 9, 2006 04:06 PM

OoOoO, I can come up with lots of questions!

1. What's your favorite color?
2. How tall are you?
3. Do you smoke cigarettes? Does Dukay?
4. What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?
5. Are you a good cook? Is Dukay?
6. Coke or Pepsi?

See? Lots!!

Posted by: Rachel | February 9, 2006 04:15 PM

and, following up from Rebecca...if you didn't go to Vandy undergrad, where did you go? And where did you go to law school?

Also, why did you decide to move to Atlanta?

Posted by: Annie G. | February 9, 2006 04:23 PM

How are the embroidered pants? Did you burn them yet?

Posted by: nic | February 9, 2006 04:31 PM

Do you talk like you write?

Posted by: Stir Fry Kitty | February 9, 2006 04:43 PM

I have liked your writing from word one but now I see a Monty Python reference and I'm almost in love with you.

Anyway, I've read almost all of your posts, even the archives and I feel like I know a lot about you...or a lot about the part that you have shared and it feels weird to know that much about a person I've never met in real life.

Yet, I still have a question. You seem to have a really good relationship with your parents which is so cool but I would like to know:

Did you EVER get grounded when you were a kid or get in trouble for something and if so, what was the biggest bad thing you did?

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf | February 9, 2006 05:00 PM

Another question: what does your family think about this site? They seem like fantastic parents and all, but do they ever preface anything with "Now, Doxie, don't put this in your next entry. . . "

Posted by: shaxgirl | February 9, 2006 05:13 PM

Your writing could never suck - I bet even your grocery list is funny. Hell, I'd read it. Please write a book!
Questions: Have you always been funny? Does anybody else in your family write? Are you as nice/adorable in person as you are on the Internet? Have you made any progress w/that guitar playing thing?

Posted by: Pomme Granite | February 9, 2006 05:34 PM

Am I too late with the questions? Damn! I just wasted a question.

Anyway. Is Ikea all it's cracked up to be? Should I be heartbroken that we don't have one here in Podunk, Texas?

Posted by: Contrary | February 9, 2006 06:58 PM

I have one -- what activities/restaurants/shops/etc. would you recommend to people visiting Atlanta?

Also, did you end up having to buy a whole new wardrobe of suits, or did you manage to de-shrink them?

Posted by: Gwen | February 9, 2006 07:07 PM

I so wanted to think of an interesting or original question to ask you, but alas...it is not to be.

However, I did want to let you know that every time I hear "We Didn't Start the Fire" - like at work this morning - I can't help think of you and your mad songwriting skillz! :)

Posted by: Ivie | February 9, 2006 07:36 PM

First, "Sentimental Flaw" rocks. Thanks for the links, but how can I get the awesomeness onto my iPod?

Second, where do you shop for clothes? I have seen many photos of you wearing many awesome items of clothing. Share!

Posted by: Miss | February 9, 2006 07:39 PM

I have a question! What is your favorite lame joke?

Posted by: msmack | February 9, 2006 08:19 PM

I am a very good Googler and found out where you work and stuff and where you went to school and all that, but I was just curious. Not stalker! Just your regular ole east Cobb snobb stuck in Florida.

Posted by: Kristen | February 9, 2006 09:05 PM

Here, just to make you feel better, you can stalk me: http://facebook.com/p.php?id=27400004&l=d813d0f3ae


Posted by: Kristen | February 9, 2006 09:09 PM

I've got an easy question for you: Have you ever heard this joke? -

Two snowmen were standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"

Hee! That stupid little joke has had me giggling all day. And without wine, even.

Posted by: Trace | February 9, 2006 09:54 PM

If you adopted a little boy and a little girl RIGHTNOW, what would you name them?

Posted by: Cassiopeia | February 9, 2006 10:34 PM

OK, here is a legit question: What is your favorite TV show? Do you actually have time to watch TV? Lately, I am liking Grey's Anantomy and The Office.

Posted by: Kristen | February 9, 2006 11:46 PM

How did you find your house?

Posted by: Silke | February 10, 2006 03:40 AM

Here are my two favourite stupid jokes for you:
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
I still laugh hysterically when I tell that joke. I don't know why.

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot!
This joke is hard. I told it wrong three times in a row (i.e. 'What's orange and looks like a carrot? No, wait...'), and I wasn't even drunk. Yet.

Posted by: Chryseis | February 10, 2006 05:16 AM

Thanks for clearing all that up for me! I think it's cool that you, like me, are an employment lawyer - it's a busy field, ain't it? And I, for one, don't begrudge you all the blank-blog-page days because I know you're that much closer to making partner, and then, you know, so much moolah! Oh, and by the way, I have a kid, so if you are ever up Providence/Boston way, drop me a line and I'll give you some exposure to the cutest, smartest li'l kid ever, and you will return home with your ovaries positively *singing*, although probably not "We Didn't Start the Fire." Please do leave the not-your porn at home though!

Posted by: Susan D. | February 10, 2006 06:56 AM

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: "Where's my tractor?"

Posted by: Maggie | February 10, 2006 08:34 AM

Do you read any blogs?

My favorite corny jokes:

Q: Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
A: Because he was a fun-gi!

Q: What did the guy with 2 left feet buy?
A: Flip-flips.

Posted by: cricket | February 10, 2006 09:45 AM

Y'all, she is EXACTLY as she seems on her website except prettier. And taller.

Posted by: Robyn | February 10, 2006 10:47 AM

Miss Doxie

No way! My husband's sister set us up on a blind date! It was a very funny date (and my only blind one), which involved walking into a plate glass door, jumping over a creek, food poisoning and kissing in a tennis court at midnight. Magical, no? Sokehow, we both agreed to a second date after that. and 10 yuears latyer, here we are!

I promise, if Dukay tells your story, I wll tell you mine. (Or not, as clearly you are a better writer than I.)


Posted by: Julie | February 10, 2006 11:34 AM

No questions, just my favorite cheesy joke...

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle.

Posted by: Karate | February 10, 2006 11:54 AM


I greatly enjoyed your "We Didn't Start the Fire" parody... so here's my question: Do you ever think you will do another one? Do you think you could do one for "My Favorite Things" from the Sound of Music? "Five hundred dauchunds, a boyfriend named Dukay... games in law school and disposing of poop-ay..." It could totally work.

Posted by: Tori | February 10, 2006 12:44 PM

Here's my favorite joke: what's brown and sticky? Answer: a stick.

Posted by: laura | February 10, 2006 01:02 PM

I hope I am not too late:

Do you like sports, if so which ones?

Have you ever been to a Thrashers game?

Posted by: lisal | February 10, 2006 01:05 PM

Loved this post...and Laura, I LOVE that stick joke.
Thanks y'all for making me look like the jackass who can't control the giggles at her desk (unless I can pretend that this land contract is hilarious)

Posted by: jes | February 10, 2006 02:18 PM

Miss Doxie - as always an interesting and amusing post. I love the interactive post this week - mucho amusing. However I now adore you more as you LOVE the Diet Coke as much as I do. It is, to me, the nectar of the Gods. There is no better sound than a cold can of DC being opened and making that crisp 'pshft'.

I have no question - other than send the Dogs out to find El Dukay and get him writing the 'How you met' story. There is much anticipation for that story.

Posted by: Diane | February 10, 2006 02:26 PM

Oooh, here's another one. What do you read? Like on paper and such.

Posted by: Miss Fish | February 10, 2006 02:38 PM

My favorite lame joke -

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

'Cause he was dead!

(Fall on floor laughing hysterically now, please)

Posted by: not-that-Andrea | February 10, 2006 03:25 PM

Let's hear more about your paintings! Ever since the time you offered to auction off your work, I've been hoping you'd post pictures of them. Is that painting of a woman against a red background in your living room a Doxie original? Please tell us more about this (how did you start, etc.) and any other Doxie craftiness!

Seconding the request for what websites you read. And also books! Thanks for always making me laugh!

Posted by: K | February 10, 2006 06:23 PM

Clarification: it wasn't really an auction, more of a charity raffle. Also, loooove the 24. Kiefer =

Posted by: K | February 10, 2006 06:26 PM

Lame jokes rule.

My fav:

If you are American when standing OUTside the bathroom.... what are you when you are INside the bathroom? Well....duuuuh... EUROPEAN!

MD, you rock. Live, love, laugh, bup into things, adore your dogs and torcher El Dukay with your bald toe, But what ever you do... continue to entertain us with the humourous details.

Posted by: jojothedogfacegirl | February 10, 2006 06:52 PM

my personal favorite:
a man walks into a bar and says, OUCH!

a piece of string walks into a bar.
"We don't serve string here," says the bartender
So the string goes out in the alley, knots himself up and pulls out his ends all frizzy like, then walks back in.
"Ain't you that string that was just in here?" say the bartender?
"The string replies, "No I'm a frayed knot."

Oh wait, questions?? Right.
How long did it take you to find your house? Meaning, how long did you look before you found the perfect one? Was the real estate market kind to you? And is homeownership everything I hope it will be?

Posted by: Theresa | February 10, 2006 10:57 PM

Are your dogs among the ones featured in
this video?

If so, what is David Hasselhoff like?

Posted by: beth | February 11, 2006 12:22 AM

Theresa, that is one of my favorite bad jokes and I just couldn't figure out how to make it short enough to tell here, so thanks!

Posted by: Contrary | February 11, 2006 07:28 PM

So, when are you coming to be a guest at my Philadelphia-area home? I promise to serve both microwaved turkey hotdogs AND beef hotdogs.

Stealer. (Hee.)

Posted by: Coleen | February 11, 2006 09:52 PM

Ha. I was going to sit this one out, but won't. So what is it with you and the Amish? I've lived in a few places with considerable Amish populations and used to see them at the mall and the Target and so on. But have you ever lived among them?

Posted by: Gretchen | February 11, 2006 10:30 PM

First of all, can you please expand on your strange love/hate relationship with headbands? And secondly, why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the crap out of their dogs! (HA! I love that one.)

Posted by: mom on a wire | February 11, 2006 11:14 PM

Alright, since we're all telling our favorite corny jokes:

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: Fsh. (except when you say it, you have to go "fssshhhhhhh")

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

Tee hee.

Posted by: Cassiopeia | February 12, 2006 07:27 PM

What do you call cheese that's not yours?


Posted by: Tori | February 13, 2006 07:30 AM

Okay, my (many-parted) question(s):

a. Is that Atlanta, Georgia?
b. Is it really hot there?
c. When is the best time for a really pale Irish woman to travel there?
d. Seriously, what's the average temperature in February/July/October?

2. Have you ever been to Europe (continental)?

Posted by: Sarah King | February 13, 2006 09:08 AM

You are the same in person as you are online, only prettier and 3 dimensional.

Please come make me stop eating cookies. Please.

Posted by: Hannah | February 13, 2006 12:38 PM

Well, damn. Theresa got to the frayed knot joke first.

Posted by: Jenny | February 13, 2006 05:44 PM


Posted by: Theresa | February 13, 2006 10:02 PM

*dies* I KNOW TOO MUCH! ahk!

And whaddaya talk, we can't see Ziz? We can TOTALLY see Ziz. If you live in a BU dorm.

Posted by: Kate | February 14, 2006 02:08 AM

I cannot think of a question not yet asked. And I am ashamed.

However, I do have to say: Doxie, the cradle robbing, it rocks. My man is 2 1/2 years younger, and I love it. Especially when he gets carded and I don't. Heh.

Posted by: fluttergirl | February 14, 2006 05:00 PM

I loved reading this.

Does that make me sick? Or just bored at work? Or is it because you are just so silly?

Posted by: Isabel | February 14, 2006 05:06 PM

Never say you are a dork again, for I WENT TO YOUR ABOUT PAGE AND FOUND YOUR TYPO. Never think that you can even APPROACH my dorkiness. Particularly since I am now wondering if I get some sort of prize.

Posted by: Laziza | February 14, 2006 06:46 PM

How many dachshunds would you have if you could have all the dachshunds you want? And didn't have to work to feed them or anything. You could just be their slave and their pillow as all dachshunds expect of us. (I would have so many I wouldn't know how many I have.)

Posted by: Daffy | February 15, 2006 10:51 AM

Ok.. one, only one, question for you..

What the f does this mean?

"because I don't want to be up 'n fard"

Great answers dear.. :)

Posted by: Angel | February 15, 2006 03:18 PM

Angel- she doesn't want to be fired...took this Dallas girl 3 yrs in the deep south to "unn'rstan" what the heck they say sometimes

Posted by: jes | February 16, 2006 02:52 PM

Hee! Yes. You are all right. Fard! I'll get FARD.

And, this message is brought to you by the fact that I just finally fixed the internet connection at my house. Hi.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | February 16, 2006 11:54 PM

So did you ever have another run-in with Her? The Her that doesn't tip and asked you if you had any non-mother friends? She was awesome.

Posted by: Kristin | February 17, 2006 09:33 AM

I dont' have any questions to ask, just want to comment. I noticed I've already got some typos and I want to leave them to accentuate the drunken effect. I've been drinkign wine, of the Pinot Noir variety. And I'm hiccupping.

Where is the GD typo on the About page??? I'm such the grammar whore and I have yet to find it. Maybe b/c I've been drinking. . .

And I forgot about the "Her?" Who is that???

Posted by: Amy | February 17, 2006 10:51 PM

Sometimes I read this site and just buckle inside. Your prose gives me wood, Miss Doxie.

Posted by: Dad Gone Mad | February 20, 2006 11:40 PM

I keep seeing us on the same blogrolls and figured I'd pop in to see what all the hooplah is about with this Miss Doxie character.

I see, I see.

Great stuff. Especially that anniversary post. Boo-yah.

Posted by: Mom101 | March 24, 2006 12:27 PM

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