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Placeholders are boring

January 12, 2006

And this one is no exception. Sorry!

See, we were back to the blank screen. And we can't have that. So here I am, all up to remedy that shit and everything, but...uh. I am absolutely exhausted. I'm not thinking straight, and I am totally incapable of entertaining anyone at the moment.

I've been working long hours lately (I know!), doing law things and writing important papers and making angry legal arguments and sometimes attending meetings that are south of the airport at 7 in the morning, which is very early, and the airport is very far away, and just...I mean, life's been pretty damn boring, y'all. I have some stories to tell y'all (because, of course I do) but I just can't seem to write them out in any type of coherent manner right now. I have written and deleted this entry about six times. (This boggles the mind, because the end product doesn't not suck, if you get my double negative meaning). But if things aren't making any sense to me, I promise, they would read like Swahili to y'all (this assumes you don't speak Swahili. Maybe you do! I do not). The last deleted attempt actually included the word "honestlyness."

Y'all, "honestlyness" is not a word. It does not even resemble a word. It is not even a word in Swahili.

In a positive (shut up! It is positive to ME) note, I have taken many fascinating pictures of the dogs, particularly Bo with his mouth open (why? WHY? Why does the dog talk all the time?), like, for example, this one:

talky.JPG

(hee!), but I know. That really isn't cutting it. I know! And also, I really have no intention of turning this into a blog that contains nothing but pictures of Bo's molars, so I had probably best stop this behavior directly and place a moratorium on dog photos for at least, oh, twenty minutes.

So, please bear in mind that I am currently operating on about seven hours of sleep over the past three-day period. And sadly, things are not likely to improve, because I'm working on a Big Thing at the office, plus I have about ninety things going on outside the office, and the end result is that I am sleepy and confused. My brain has crawled somewhere deep into the recesses of my skull, and this means that my body is operating only on stray cells and air. Nobody is driving this bus, is what I am saying.

But this makes me slaphappy. At this point, all manner of things are funny to me. "Honestlyness" is funny to me. The word "boob" is funny to me. "Everybody Loves Raymond" is funny to me. I really kind of need to go to bed.

However. Because everything is funny to me right now (honestlyness!), I will share with you what has happened during the last two nights. Because at the moment, it is funny to me. When everything clears here and I actually do some sleeping for more than a two hour stretch and then wake up and reread all of this, I am sure it will seem stupid and I will be ashamed. But, still. It is better than blank. That is what I am telling myself.

But, anyway. See, I talk in my sleep. I do it all the time (not as frequently as Dukay, who recently woke me up at 4 to ask me a question about Cuba, but we are not talking about Dukay right now), but I still do it, on occasion, just the same.

Only, when I talk in my sleep, Dukay doesn't wake up; I do. I wake my own self up. I wake up, hear myself saying something, and then I have to sit there and ponder just exactly what the fuck I am talking about: "Why am I so concerned about the VCR?" "Since when am I in love with Adrian Brody?" "But I don't even know any hobbits!" This is what I think about in the dark.

So, it should have come as no real surprise when I awoke two nights ago to find myself sitting up at bed, pointing angrily at a sleepy and disgusted Bo.

"That fucking dictionary," I hollered. "It just thinks it's SO SMART."

Apparently, I'm mad. At the dictionary. I think I must be jealous of its knowledge. Webster, you SUCK!

(Which reminds me: know who I saw downtown a few weeks ago? Webster! The actual guy who played Webster, the precocious eight-or-whatever year old that was actually, like, forty-three. I have since been told that everyone in Atlanta sees him all the time, but for a very little (hee!) while, I felt special. He is actually bigger than he looks on television, which is supposedly the exact opposite of every other personality on the planet, but there you go. My very small brush with fame. Which is kind of related to the dictionary, see?)

(Seriously, see...?)

Uh. Anyway. But, so that was two nights ago, right? And, at the time, I thought that was probably the strangest thing I'd ever said in my sleep. Until, last night, when I woke up to find myself happily proclaiming to all that Eureka!: "I am the inventor of the portable iron lung!"

I was kind of proud of myself, too. A portable iron lung! So much more convenient than those old iron ones. They were heavy and restrictive. But now, your iron lung is a lung on the go! You can take it anywhere, and I envision an ad campaign that is much like those we see for tampons or false hair ("Wait, I can still play tennis? No kidding? WHAT? I can go swimming? Seriously? God! I just feel so free!").

A portable iron lung, y'all. It is a happy day for science.

But, unfortunately, not for the dictionary. The dictionary is a cocky son of a bitch. And I mean that in all honestlyness.

Hope y'all are doing well! I'll be back soon, and I swear to Christ that it will be [somewhat] more entertaining.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

52 Comments

Wow.. how did it happen that I'm the first commentor? commenter? crap.. already messed it up.

I talk in my sleep too and consequently, wake myself up.. when there's actually someone sleeping next to me, no, I don't wake them up at all.. just myself.. and then I struggle to remember why I'm talking about jibberish.. but I'm usually talking TO someone.. faceless maybe.. but hey, they were there.. honestlyness! ;)

Good luck on your BIG THING at work! And sleep already!

Posted by: Angel | January 12, 2006 11:33 AM

I must be seriously sleep deprived because this whole entry made sense to me. Even the Webster reference. Not sure if this is a good thing or not.

Posted by: mmmmMandi | January 12, 2006 11:38 AM

Wow. I read it, I understood it, I liked it.

My husband talks in his sleep ALL the time - he told me he loved me in his sleep - very early in our relationship so it was a bit weird until I realalized he was asleep! I have recently discovered that my son (who is 2) also talks in his sleep! Ack - he woke me up the other night telling me to "look at the baby. It's pretty."

My family is so f-d up. :)

Posted by: Shna | January 12, 2006 11:51 AM

hilarious... me too, with the bizarro sleep talking. once I scared the crap out of my husband by sitting up, pointing at him and exclaiming "turn off that radio", then falling right back to sleep... hee.

Posted by: lindsay | January 12, 2006 11:52 AM

My ex husband is nuts, and would frequently wake me up with his random sleep hollerings. One night I guess he was fighting a large fowl of some type over a frisbee? Anyway, he yells out "I'm gonna kick that fucking bird's ass!!!"

I think that may have been the downward turn for our relationship ;o)

But I totally understood your post. And very amusedly, I might add.

Posted by: Mandy | January 12, 2006 11:58 AM

Come to me

Posted by: Your bed | January 12, 2006 11:58 AM

I thought it was funny and I am not even sleep deprived (however - food deprived is a totally separate issue - I'm starving!)

I don't often talk in my sleep, but when I do, it's usually good for a story. The best is the time I aparently woke up, stripped, walked out into the living room and asked my husband if I should go to court in the morning. I am neither a lawyer nor a criminal, so I have no idea what was going on. He loves to tell that story. I usually make him leave out the naked part.

Posted by: Jessie | January 12, 2006 12:00 PM

Oh yeah--another ex bad man sleep rambling was when he announced with absolutely no uncertainty that "Philip K. Dick is the king of existensialism". So the next morning I asked him if that was true, and apparently it was.

I was much more impressed with the bird fight.

Posted by: Mandy | January 12, 2006 12:03 PM

BAHHAHAHAHA! My husband talks in his sleep. His college roommage (who he lived with all four years) recalled a time when he was awoken (as in, being shaken by my husband) with a demand about the carrots. Who took his carrots? GIVE HIS CARROTS BACK!

He also once freaked me out by sitting up in bed, pointing at the wall, and yelling "OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" then laying down to sleep all peacefully. My heart raced for at least another 30 minutes.

But then, I talk in my sleep to, so I can't complain.

Posted by: Catherine | January 12, 2006 12:20 PM

The stupid dictionary - it is full of knowingliness. And sleep or no sleep, you are the funniest blogger in all honestlyness.

Posted by: Pomme Granite | January 12, 2006 12:20 PM

I think I must be similarly sleep-deprived, because I was all, "A portable iron for taking the wrinkles out of your lungs? How brilliant!" Honestly(ness).

Posted by: Mir | January 12, 2006 12:50 PM

I have done the sleep talking thing too - though rarely and pretty sure no beefs with Webster(dictionary or little man).

My sister though was the family champ in this arena. She slept *yelled* (to the point we thought she was faking)and walked. Once time, she woke up the next moring to find herself asking, "why do I have iced tea mix under my fingernails?" She had taken the mix out of the cabinet and put her hand in it.

Posted by: JenfromBoston | January 12, 2006 01:15 PM

Webster! Emmanuel Lewis! Did you know he once had a number one record in Japan? And he won a CLIO award for Best Male Actor in a Commercial for his Burger King work.

No, seriously! I just looked him up because I wondered how the old chap was doing; I haven't thought about him since 1989. How is he doing? Did he seem well? Did you inquire about his health? He didn't look too down and out did he?

"Webster" was one of two shows that was entertaining to small children (and in English) when I lived in Hong Kong. The other was "Small Wonder." Could you please try and see that robot girl Vicky next time?

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | January 12, 2006 01:33 PM

I often talk in my sleep, but unfortunately I don't wake myself up. I have to get the mister to tell me what I said and he always forgets. Sometimes that shit is pretty funny, too.

Posted by: Fraulein N | January 12, 2006 01:55 PM

Sometimes, just to get even, I put the dictionary next to the set of encyclopedias. ...that shuts it up pretty fast.

Posted by: Kate | January 12, 2006 02:11 PM

I talk in my sleep too. I shook my ex-husband awake one night and told him to "get those CHAIN things out of his mouth". Another time I woke him up frantically pointing at the end of the bed because "there's a giant concrete mouse in the floor, and it's ME!".

Also, what a testament to medical science that MIR doesn't know about iron lungs. For the rest of you blessed children it was an enormous metal tube that a patient with sever polio was put into with just their head sticking out and resting on a platform. It had a bellows thing that created pressure to make them breathe. A precurser to today's respirator. They lived in them for years and sometimes for the rest of their lives. They had to stay in the hospital because if the power went out the nurses had to hand pump the bellows or they would die. How smart of you Doxie to invent a portable one.

Posted by: mackmomma | January 12, 2006 02:29 PM

Doxie, go to bed. Dukay, fill the blanks with the "How We Met" story! Tell me I didn't miss this, and I'm not the only one who hasn't forgotten he's supposed to be working on that?

Posted by: michelle | January 12, 2006 02:35 PM

My uncle was one of those creepy sleepwalker/talkers who would be totally asleep with his EYES OPEN.

One night he woke my aunt up in the middle of the night because he thought they were on the battlefield together and he was throwing his body over hers protectively so that they wouldn't get hit by enemy gunfire. The worst part is that she is not supposed to wake him up because that can really freak him out. So she just had to play along while he screamed "GET DOWN! GET DOWN!" for another 25 minutes.

When I think about that I am almost happy that the worst I have to deal with is a snorer. A pretty loud snorer, but still. I would not do well with war-related dreaming and shouting.

Posted by: Emily | January 12, 2006 03:38 PM

Man, that's funny. I once had to be under anesthesia, and when I woke up, I said to my mother: Will I still be able to wear earrings?

At the time? My ears were not pierced. I owned not one single earring.

Love pics of your dogs. My cat's a talker as well. No one believes me that he adores talking on the phone--until they talk to him on the phone. WHILE I'm also talking in the background because no, it's not just me making accurate cat sounds.

The nutty lives of pet owners...

Posted by: Real Girl | January 12, 2006 03:53 PM

Both my boyfriend and I are weird sleep talkers. Just last week he woke me up asking "Babe, what dessert is made out of potatoes?" The weirdest incident was when we both woke up laughing really loud at the same time.

Posted by: Beth | January 12, 2006 04:08 PM

Love this entry. I don't talk in my sleep that often, but when I do its pretty exciting. Apparently way back when my husband and I were living in sin, I sat up one night, turned to him, and said, "If you don't marry me I am leaving you!" And then rolled back over. He said he was scared shitless. He asked me to marry him a month later, and we've been married 13 years. Hee.

Also - in regards to war stuff, my husband was also in the Army, and for the longest time I could stand in the doorway while he was sleeping, throw a ball of socks at him, and he would SIT UP AND CATCH IT. Every damn time.

Posted by: Laura | January 12, 2006 04:31 PM

I couldn't help but notice the post that Your Bed made. My bed calls to me, it likes to cuddle in the mornings, it even says "I love you" from time to time, but it has never written me a note. Not even when the sheets reeeally needed changing.
Your bed must truly miss you.

Posted by: MandaCakes | January 12, 2006 04:40 PM

Did you know it's "De-lurking Week" in the land of blogs? It is. So I'm de-lurking to say hello, love the site, and also: that entry made total, absolute sense to me, so I must be sleep-deprived as well. But then again, what else is new? And I talk/do stuff in my sleep, too. Not too long ago, I woke myself up by shouting very angrily, "WHY IS IT 6:15?!" It was not 6:15. And one time in college, I climbed off the top bunk and viciously yanked my sleeping roommate's pillow out from underneath her head. I woke up, realized what had happened, and handed the pillow back to her. She thanked me for being so kind as to pick up the pillow that she thought had fallen on the floor. Ha!

Posted by: Allison | January 12, 2006 05:33 PM

My roommate in college once told me that I laughed maniacally in my sleep all the time. The first couple of times it happened she was scared shitless since she was convinced I was standing over her bed with a butcher's knife.

Posted by: cricketbutt | January 12, 2006 05:48 PM

It's ok Ms. Doxie - I apparently served denny's in my sleep last night. I sat up and yelled out "You want a moons over my hammy!!"

My fiance was stunned and said "uh, ok"

so your not alone, and apparently I am running a store out of my own bed.... want some breakfast?


Posted by: Jennifer W | January 12, 2006 05:53 PM

I talk in my sleep on occasion. It's usually totally nonsensical crap that does nothing but give my husband something good to point and laugh at me about the next day. There was once, though, with my first husband... see, I was working at a local factory that manufactures children's clothing. Gah. I lasted about a month, needless to say. Anywayyyyyy... one night, while asleep, I was apparently dreaming about work. I know this because I woke both my husband and myself in the middle of beating him with my teddy bear (yeah, I still slept with my teddy bear... sue me) while screaming 'THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE GODDAMNED SHIRT!'

It was really rather therapeutic...

Posted by: Nola | January 12, 2006 06:22 PM

I also talk in my sleep. We haven't figured out which language I speak when asleep, but I do apparently prattle on.

Posted by: Contrary | January 12, 2006 10:28 PM

Have to comment again b/c just now while reading a book (Lucky by Alice Sebold) came across this - kind of interesting in light of your post:

"It was not uncommon for the Oxford English Dictionary to be dragged into the dining room, even on holidays or with guests present. The poodle-mix, Webster, had been named after the more portable mediator."

Posted by: Pomme Granite | January 12, 2006 11:04 PM

That's a mighty big placeholder!

Sleep is highly overrated. This afternoon after my nap I was ready to search the house for vicious mutant anteaters. Oh yes, I was. See how much more creative you can be when your sleep is off? I mean MUTANT ANTEATERS???

Posted by: MissFish | January 12, 2006 11:06 PM

I told my boyfriend to just "cut my arms off, I don't need them."

VERY glad he didn't listen to me. We talked with my little sister one night. She was talking about how the plates needed to be cleaned for something.

I'll be damned if I remember exactly what now. Which is sad, if I had a blog then, I would have posted it and then I'd be able to remember it. ;)

Posted by: SWSNBN | January 12, 2006 11:32 PM

You always make sense to me. Of course, my family and friends refer to me as "that weirdo" with the 5 dogs.
You make me laugh out loud, and I look forward to your blogs more than having my manicure.
I laugh in my sleep. Wish I knew what was so fucking funny so I could share it.
My husband talks in his sleep. Yells at people, curses, and one night brought a knife into the potty room while I was tinkling. He SAYS he thought it was an intruder, and I'm thinking "oh right, an intruder taking a piss in our bathroom before robbing us". My Mom wanted to know if he was REALLY sleepwalking and talking in his sleep. I tend to believe him, I had no life insurance at the time.
Miss Doxie, you're my heroine!

Posted by: blabsalot | January 13, 2006 12:28 AM

OMG All the talking in your sleep stories (Doxie and comments alike) are too funny! My husband is a sleeptalker. He even came up with our 2nd child's name in his sleep...2 years before we had our 1st child!!!

I rarely talk in my sleep (thank God!) Instead, I am one of those loony people who actually remembers a majority of my very crazy but seemingly realistic dreams. Maybe if you get some sleep, Miss Doxie, you'll have some wild dreams to tell us about? Maybe Bo can tell you why Webster (the dictionary) is such a smart-ass or something?

And I agree with a previous comment - we are still waiting for that "How We Met" story from Dukay!!

Posted by: Ivie | January 13, 2006 01:49 AM

Since I'm reading this at 5:50 am, I am sleep deprived, but that was some funny stuff.

Poor dictionary, it tries not to be so smart, like not letting you find out how to spell a word by pretending it's not there. Be nice to your dictionary, you may need it one day.

Posted by: libragirl | January 13, 2006 05:52 AM

Michelle is not the only person who noticed that Dukay is supposed to be working on his own entry!

Dukay! Get to it! Can't you see that your dear sweet Miss Doxie is extremely honestly sleep deprived? She needs rejuvenation. :-)

Posted by: Peyton | January 13, 2006 09:09 AM

I should show this blog to hubs and tell him I finally found someone who gets less sleep than he does

Posted by: Anne | January 13, 2006 10:20 AM

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Love the picture of Bo talking. My Maggie talks to me all the time - I know I am tired when I understand. Honestlyness, I talk in my sleep all the time - have sat up in bed and said to my beloved, Aren't I a cute cheerleader? Then I laid myself back down and kicked him. I did not wake up thru any of this but it was relayed to me in great detail the next morning. I didn't believe him until he showed his bruise.

Love the new entry. Please bring more of Miss Doxie when she sleeps.

Posted by: Didi | January 13, 2006 10:26 AM

I have a question about the blank screen. Do you have your journal set up to only show so many posts? Say, entries that were posted within the past week or something like that? Because if so, as soon as 7 days (or whatever time period) goes by without a new post, you'll get a blank screen.

This happened at my journal and it took forever to figure out.

Posted by: Phaedra | January 13, 2006 12:29 PM

Seriously, Dukay. Don't be ridiculous. You go and write that entry, or I will tell everyone that you wear velvet pants with little happy birds on them.
Whoops.

Posted by: Danielle | January 13, 2006 03:05 PM

sleep! i love sleep! never used to get any, but now that i sleep normal people hours, i can see why everyone was raving about it...

were you a poli sci major? we were encouraged to make up words... and yours are good!

Posted by: Ali G | January 13, 2006 05:48 PM

I too have the good fortune to have a spouse who entertains me with sleep talk. Sadly, after 11 years she's on to me, and so now when I try to continue the conversation beyond the first sentence she wakes enough to say "quit messing with me" and goes back to sleep.
The early days of our relationship had some hysterical conversations, none of which I was smart enough to write down.

Posted by: mark | January 14, 2006 11:32 AM

Miss Doxie, if you would be so good and kind, please join Flickr, and you can post photos of your Bo, and Gimme, and the other ones whose name, (sorry other ones) I forgot, onto a great group "Favourite Pets".
You will be doing the Flickr world out there a great honour, and it is free!!

Posted by: fifi | January 14, 2006 04:44 PM

Sorry to burst your bubble but the portable 'iron lung' has allready been invented and is in use today around the world. It is called a porta-lung and if you want to see one then here is a URL to see one http://www.robertbenjamin.com/Articles/scoliosis.htm really it is not a joke that people still use them today.

Posted by: herb | January 14, 2006 09:30 PM

Herb, here's a buck.

Go out and buy a sense of humor.

Posted by: KSR | January 14, 2006 11:21 PM

I have two dachsunds! Both are red. One is 8, the other is 2. The eight year old is standard size, the 2 year old is a minature. They are great dogs! I loooove their personalities.

Posted by: Sassy | January 17, 2006 10:33 AM

OK, I will also stop with the lurking already and finally comment. Mostly because I have a narcissistic need to tell my sleep talking stories. Also to say I heart Miss Doxie.

When I was living with my ex, I once woke him up mumbling something. So he started asking me questions. I answered one of them with "I'm taking the elastic out of my underwear". Apparently I didn't need it anymore. He kept asking me questions, and I remember starting to wake up really annoyed, and telling him I would tell him in the morning, dammit.

My current man falls asleep midsentence. All the time. The man can make out with me fully asleep and I will never know it (really happened!!). One night, in the middle of a conversation, he finished a sentence with "when you are on crack for 4 to 6 hours". At first I thought he was telling me I must be on drugs, but then came the snoring...

Posted by: fluttergirl | January 17, 2006 12:38 PM

Thank goodness everyone shared their stories! You guys crack me up and now my boyfriend seems slightly less crazy. (I keep telling him I'll know when he's head a concussion or alzheimers because he'll start making sense when he talks in his sleep).

The last he said was about The Mouse King blowing up, which created a bunch of little mice that were running over our bed and oh! aren't they cute?! I said something like, "oh is the Mouse King like gremlins?" and he gave me stink eye and said, "You AREN'T TAKING ME SERIOUSLY" got all huffy and flopped back over and went to sleep.

Good times. lol

Posted by: Littlehoney | January 18, 2006 10:43 AM

According to my husband I once rolled over and said "I have super glue on my butt" and that was the end of the conversation. The other night he was trying to place an order for food while dead asleep. I wonder if we have conservations with each other that we are totally not aware of.

Posted by: Confessions of a Neurotic Newlywed | January 18, 2006 04:19 PM

Doxie,

I love your blog, but this enty is the first time where you would have been better off with the horrible blank screen.

Posted by: godzilla | January 18, 2006 11:23 PM

ooh, tell Godzilla to zip it (and zip it good :)...we do miss you though, good luck with the work stuff. My law office is in high gear too. Gee, how can we be behind considering all the partners have done is take three hour lunches since Thanksgiving...Plus, New Orleans is alive again so stuff that has been stagnant since August is ALL DUE NOW, sorry to use your blog to fuss, never again...xoxo to the puppies

Posted by: jes | January 19, 2006 03:58 PM

Holy crap sister. You are smokin' hot!

Posted by: Amanda B. | January 19, 2006 04:07 PM

Hahaha. You're funny I heart you. I too talk about and say random wierd shit in my sleep. The best I have been told by hubby was "Oh, yeah,well what about your goddamn underwear" Later---Bethany

Posted by: Bethany | January 20, 2006 06:53 PM

DUKAY!!!! OUT WITH THE DAMN STORY ALREADY! WHAT KIND OF SLACKER ASS EMBROIDERED MAN-PANT WEARING TEASE ARE YOU? PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE FOR A MINUTE AND LET THE WORLD KNOW HOW YOU BECAME THE DOXIE BOY TOY!!!

Look at it this way - maybe if you write the story you can convince Doxie to put a different picture of you on this site. Perhaps one where you aren't in a cross-eyed, drunken stupor.

But since you've taken so damn long already, I'm quite certain the world is ready for cross-eyed Dukay t-shirts. Ever the good samaratin, Doxie can give the procedes to AA.

Posted by: mulqueeny | January 21, 2006 02:59 PM

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