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Uh Oh.

December 16, 2005

It is Elf Day, and I just unwrapped my costume. Which included...these:

tights.JPG

Y'all, those...those are tights. Those are rental tights. Please take a second to think about that.

Then, SEND HELP.

Posted by doxie in | permalink

47 Comments

Oh Holy Jesus.
on another note: where did you find those funky curly thingys on your Chritmas tree I need them NOW....
But seriously, fake your dissapearance like that Bride with the crazy eyes...even her blanket ensemble was better than that shit....

Posted by: Loulie | December 16, 2005 12:36 PM

Holy crap. That is bad bad news. Good luck with that. Oh the humanity. You can't even clean them with bleach. GROSS. Perhaps throw on a chastity belt to ensure no passage of utter grossness.

Posted by: Morgan | December 16, 2005 12:56 PM

From Lawyer Who Haveth No Suits to hippie wannabe to elf. Yes, it has been quite a week for you.

I think there should be a special Miss Doxie-Dockers commercial for you. The tagline? "NICE. TIGHTS."

Posted by: Jen | December 16, 2005 01:09 PM

Whoa...is it too early for a fortifying drink?!

Posted by: Allyson | December 16, 2005 01:25 PM

Woah. Do you know who those tights would look awesome on? FIGHTING ROBOTS. Seriously. ;)

Posted by: Tori | December 16, 2005 01:33 PM

You know you have to show us the whole costume now.

Posted by: Tina | December 16, 2005 01:46 PM

Oh ... WOW. That is all.

Posted by: Fraulein N | December 16, 2005 02:10 PM

Hmm. Could you possibly buy some Christmassy tights and substitute your own instead of wearing the nasty rental ones? I bet Old Navy or any department store would have at least plain red tights.

Good Luck! Also, please post pictures of the whole costume. =)

Posted by: Jeanne | December 16, 2005 02:22 PM

Ewww. Rental tights? I would be scared of Creeping Crotch Crud.

Posted by: Gretchen | December 16, 2005 02:37 PM

I think you'll look adorable! :-) Don't forget to post a picture of the whole enemble.

Posted by: Rosemary | December 16, 2005 02:37 PM

Oh good grief why would tights be part of a rental. Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Anne | December 16, 2005 02:40 PM

That's so frightening. Really. But I'm sure you'll look adorable!

Posted by: Heather | December 16, 2005 02:50 PM

I want to see the shoes. And the hair. Heck, I want to see it all. With tights like those, I'm guessing the rest is beyond my wildest imaginings.

Posted by: Mir | December 16, 2005 02:58 PM

Ok, for your own protection (and Dukays), I am going to suggest something I have never suggested to anyone ever before in my entire life. The answer is:

Grandma underwear.

Nothing can penetrate grandma underwear. I'm certain of it. If you have to wear the nasty rental tights, make sure you put the panty equivalant to a Kevlar Vest between them and you.

Posted by: Karen | December 16, 2005 02:59 PM

Oh. My. God. *chuckle*

I'll be thinking about you while I attend my firm's holiday party (black tie dinner dance) wearing my new red BCBG dress. :-P Have FUN!

Posted by: Peyton | December 16, 2005 03:01 PM

Easy peasy; just wear your own tights under the rental tights. After the humiliating event is over, trash 'em! Be sure and post pictures of the complete ensemble. :)

Posted by: Dani | December 16, 2005 03:21 PM

Oh. My. Wow! I like the idea of wearing tights underneath the rental (rental!) tights. You know what would make this really funny? I mean funny for us. If this is all some really awful practical joke on you.

Posted by: Mrs X | December 16, 2005 04:00 PM

Do you know FOR SURE that your firm makes the newest member wear this elf costume? I mean, are there pictures of the past years' victims? I would totally think they were setting me up if I didn't see proof, but that may just be me.

I second the Granny panty suggestion. Does Dukay own any holiday embroidered pants? If you can find them and make him wear them to the party, make sure you stand next to him the whole time. Nobody will even notice your elf costume. Good luck!!!

Posted by: Sam | December 16, 2005 04:02 PM

Dude, I'll bet those embroidered pants are starting to look like a much nicer option now!

Posted by: Melissa | December 16, 2005 04:05 PM

RENTAL TIGHTS!

There are some things that should never be rented... and I can assure you that of of those things is tights.

Posted by: sarah | December 16, 2005 04:17 PM

Holy Mary mother of God....that is so not right on so many not right levels.

Posted by: Floyd | December 16, 2005 05:40 PM

Thank heavens for Dual Purpose Vodka. Good for killing germy tights and pickling your liver so you can wear said tights! We must have the whole story from beginning to end!!!

Posted by: Sheryl | December 16, 2005 05:48 PM

My reaction when I opened this page and saw that photo, knowing full well what it was?

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......" etc.

Then I read, "rental" and my reaction? See above, squared.

I'm such a jerk..but that is too funny. I cannot WAIT for the entry after your elf day.

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf | December 16, 2005 09:44 PM

Oh my. This is leading up to the BEST BLOG ENTRY EVER. I can't wait.

Posted by: Eulallia | December 16, 2005 10:11 PM

Also can't wait for the story!

But really why do you have to rent the tights? That's just silly. Silly and wrong.

Posted by: Sally | December 16, 2005 11:48 PM

I have to wonder how long something icky can live in the crotch of rental tights, cause you know those suckers haven't been washed since last Christmas.

I have to agree with some of my fellow commenters, buy some new tights. I wouldn't even layer them. Buy some Nude hose (yes, I know, normally tacky..but I think definitely preferable to Rented Tights, for God's sake). That way you could at least be a sexy elf.

Whatever you decide, please God, post pictures.

Posted by: Contrary | December 16, 2005 11:57 PM

Can you microwave them, maybe?

Or...I don't know...wear one of those super-long maxipads? I mean, they let nothing out, so they won't let anything in, right?

Or, I bet you could find a new job between now and then.

No?

Good luck.

(You don't happen to be a Jehovah's Witness? I don't think they are allowed to wear rental tights.)

Posted by: jozet | December 17, 2005 01:01 AM

I never thought I'd say this about any article of clothing EVER, but -- I would rather be wearing my desert uniform than those tights. HA HA to you! Ahem, I mean ... I am so sorry for you. Dialing 911 as we speak. Ahem.

Posted by: Blue Meany | December 17, 2005 05:55 AM

The maxi pad idea occurred to me too. If you don't post I picture, I will hunt you down and...um...I can't think of anything worse than the rental tights. Sorry. And HAAAAAAAAA!! I also think they might be setting you up. Don't you work with your Dad? Is he a big practical joker?

Posted by: Julie | December 17, 2005 07:38 AM

That is so GROSS!! You really need to wear something under those.

Posted by: Lilie | December 17, 2005 11:04 AM

... frightening...

Festive ... but... frightening.

You get jingly shoes, right? Because, for me, that'd be almost enough to make up for the tights.

Posted by: Kate | December 17, 2005 12:57 PM

OH. MY GOD.

i cannot WAIT for this entry... can you include pictures? you as an elf, dukay wearing the critter pants?

Posted by: Ali G | December 17, 2005 02:42 PM

my, everlovin', word. i so would not. evah.

Posted by: honestyrain | December 17, 2005 04:58 PM

I'm pretty sure that "rental" and "tights" fall under the category of "Two words that must not be used in the same sentence EVER." I'm pretty sure Target has festive red tights you could substitute for the frightening, questionably clean two-toned monsters. Maybe a shopping trip is in order. Followed by cocktails. Many, many cocktails. Good luck on your elf gig. Oh, and "I UNDERSTAND!" (Really I do. I played the Easter bunny at the mall when the cash flow was low once upon a lifetime.)

Posted by: Melissa | December 17, 2005 06:30 PM

Lather, Autoclave, Exorcist. Repeat.

Posted by: Steve J | December 17, 2005 07:04 PM

A friend of mine saw Paul Westerberg in concert once. Right after messing up the beginning of a song, he shared the advice his then 4-year-old son had passed along. We use it as a mantra in this house for any unpleasant task and it would seem to apply here as well. "Be brave and concentrate."

Posted by: rebecca | December 17, 2005 07:27 PM

People suggesting granny panties and super-long maxi pads? Remember--this is Miss Doxie we are talking about...I'd put money on the granny panties or the maxi pads becoming exposed to the whole office before Santa could even make it down the chimney..

New tights, or as someone else suggested, nude stockings, are the way to go..

tee-hee..."creeping crotch crud!"

Posted by: Kathryn | December 17, 2005 09:36 PM

Oh no. No no no no no.
That gives me the wooly boogers just thinking about it. Try a small test spot(a toe?)and soak it in alcohol. If the dye doesn't bleed soak the crotch for 10 minutes, then wash like regular hose.

Posted by: mommamack | December 18, 2005 01:57 AM

I'm fairly sure they used to be totally red tights, but the green mold spread all the way down one leg after they'd sat around in the rental locker for a year between elf gigs.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | December 18, 2005 08:18 AM

Um...not to rub it in or anything...but I'm the newest associate at my firm (actually I'm not even an associate yet until I graduate next semester and pass the bar) and I don't have to wear an elf costume to my firm's holiday party. I think I'm going to do some pro-bono research on your behalf into a possbile cause of action for new associate abuse. I'm pretty sure the whole being made to wear rental tights thing is an element of some heinous crime against humanity.

Posted by: L | December 18, 2005 12:08 PM

Ok the tights, rental tights sorry, The RENTAL TIGHTS (shiver me timbers) I do have to ask do they provide the Elf Bra to match?? I mean really what woman WOULDNT want to wear the elf bra and tights ensamble? honestly folks. Oh and PS on the note of the HAVE you SEEN the pictures of the elfs of xmas past we have to wonder do men wear the tights too?? Theres a whole nuther ball of wooly boogers with men germs yanno. Creeping crotch mens style.
sooooooooo sorry for you soooooooo sorrrrrrry.

Posted by: turtlesbirds | December 18, 2005 12:15 PM

WAIT! Put a pair of stockings UNDER the red & green ones! White stockings UNDER!!!.....have people suggested this? It came to me while I was headed to sleep-ville last night.

See how much I care?

Posted by: Kate | December 18, 2005 01:28 PM

Am stunned. And horrified. Dude, I work in a MENTAL HOSPITAL and have never been subject to such insanity. Lawyers are WEIRD.

Posted by: missbanshee | December 18, 2005 03:54 PM

Oh, you are so being set up. Tee hee! Uh, I mean, how awful for you!

With your multiple lines of defense - granny panties, maxipads and bonus tights, you'll be adequately armed against creeping crotch crud. However, you'll only truly be considered making the best of it if you post a complete photo album of images. Make lemonade, ya know?

Or tell Daddy to get you a new associate or you'll hold your breath until you turn blue. No?

Posted by: Miss Fish | December 18, 2005 09:23 PM

Ick. I am so, so sorry about your luck.

Posted by: canknitian | December 18, 2005 10:36 PM

ARGH! Rental tights...the thought just makes me itchy!

Posted by: Kara | December 19, 2005 07:56 PM

Loulie, the twirly thingys on the tree are called ting-ting, and you should be able to buy a bundle in any craft/fabric/fake flower store (Michaels? Hobby Lobby? Something along those lines.)

Posted by: Karen | December 20, 2005 11:54 AM

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