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Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home

December 19, 2005

On December 1, I wrote these words:

In other news, I found out this morning that, because I am the newest associate at my firm, it is my responsibility to dress up as the elf for our annual holiday luncheon.

I would like for you to read that sentence again. I will even type it, once more, just for you: because I am the newest associate at the firm, it is my responsibility to dress up AS THE ELF for our annual holiday luncheon.

I don't know if anything about that sentence...jumped out at you. I do not include it here to inform you that I am the newest associate. Nor did I include said sentence so that you would be jealous of our surely-fabulous upcoming lunch spectacular. No. No, what I am really trying to convey, is that APPARENTLY, in the VERY NEAR FUTURE, I will be dressed up as an elf. At work. The costume includes tights, I was informed.

This should do much for my legal reputation. Surely, no one will ever have problems taking advice from me EVER AGAIN.

"Hmm, she sure SOUNDS like she knows what she's talking about, Bob!" "Only when she's not dressed up as an elf, Larry!" This is what I am imagining.

I am sure there will be pictures of this insanity, which I may get drunk enough to share with y'all. Until then, know that every time I see an elf on television or in the paper, every time I even think of Will Ferrell, I am filled with a slowly mounting fear. In two weeks, I will be paralyzed with terror, lying under my desk in a pair of enormous shoes with upturned toes, jingling sadly and hiding from the world.

***

That was then. This is now.

elfface.JPG

Yes. That is pretty much how that worked out.

Doesn't it look like I am sobbing uncontrollably? Heh. ALMOST.

But I am not [yet]. Instead, I am laughing and cringing at the same time. Laughter + Cringe = That Look. Painful, I know. It hurt my face and everything. I look like I am passing a stone.

But, in reviewing this photograph, let us not fail to notice the following:

(1) My hat;
(2) My spiky collar;
(3) My mod-elf getup; and
(4) MY SHAME.

Noticed? Appreciated? Fantasic!

And, oh. Let us not forget: The Tights.

elflegs.JPG

Yeah. That is kind of how THAT worked out. I am wearing not one, but two pairs of hygenic, clean, brand-new-from-the-convenience-store-downstairs-let's-not-think-too-long-on-that-actually tights under those things. I am relatively sure I did not catch the Creeping Crotch Funk, or however the clever Gretchen described this phenomenon. But I know it was there, just...funking, in the crotch region. Waiting. Plotting. Funkily.

So. There you go. I am forever shamed. I am forever tainted. And, I just shared photographic evidence of all of this with the whole entire world.

Someone should probably buy me a drink. I am looking at you. And if you refuse, I have a pair of tights that are just dying to come live at your house, funk and all.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

56 Comments

Leigh, you've got more kahones than most men I know. You make a pretty good stone-passing elf, too.

I'm too far away to buy you a drink in person, but here's a cyber-margarita straight from Houston, Texas. Yee-haw!

Posted by: Tracy | December 18, 2005 11:13 PM

I don't get it. Why?

Posted by: Bethany | December 18, 2005 11:56 PM

Architects aren't even THAT rude! Lawyers truly are evil. I need a drink.

Posted by: Lisame | December 19, 2005 01:22 AM

omg, that outfit.

i would still take your advice, but i would snicker all the while. what? honesty! best policy! right? no? ok...

jingle all the way!

Posted by: erin | December 19, 2005 03:17 AM

lol is it some kind of initiation into the firm or something.lol

Posted by: Anne | December 19, 2005 07:17 AM

I don't know, I thought Elf!Doxie was kind of cute. In a "ha! I don't have to do that!" kind of way.

And you KNOW you're gonna totally be the first person to thrust the costume on whoever comes next year.

Posted by: Kate | December 19, 2005 07:29 AM

Kate said. "And you KNOW you're gonna totally be the first person to thrust the costume on whoever comes next year."

That is presuming, of course, that there is a new associate next year...

Posted by: Rosemary | December 19, 2005 07:52 AM

oh honey - if you are ever in nyc, i will buy you at least three! that is probably the most horrifying office christmas party happening i have ever seen.

on the plus side, don't think many people could manage to look as cute as you did - i would definitely have resembled some gigundous christmas whale rather than a sweet little elf!

p.s. pleaseplease burn whatever tights touched thse rental ones... yeeesh...

Posted by: Ali G | December 19, 2005 08:06 AM

You look cute in that "omg, that girl has got some balls to wear THAT in public" way. At least you didn't have to wear elf ears.

Posted by: Stacia | December 19, 2005 08:20 AM

I still want to know what sort of shoes you wear as an elf, because from that last picture it looks an awful lot to me like you're wearing nice black boots, instead of pointy shoes with jingle bells on the toes.

If there ARE jingle bells on your toes, then I will totally buy you a drink.

Posted by: Mir | December 19, 2005 08:47 AM

I'm dying at those pictures! If you are ever in Boston, your first and second drinks are on me for that!

Posted by: nic | December 19, 2005 09:13 AM

1. Don't feel too bad - at the Jingle Bell Run 2 weekends ago here in Seattle there were FAR WORSE costumes...that people wore voluntarily.
2. I'd like to submit a pair of embroidered pants for your "Pants of Shame" category - at a Christmas Party this past weekend one lady at said party committed two grievous fashion "Don'ts" in the same pair of pants: Mom Jeans + Embroidered Pink Whales.

Posted by: Suzie | December 19, 2005 09:47 AM

I second Tracy's Houston sentiments. We'd load you up well, wouldn't we, Trace? Only we'd do it with Rock-Stars-Who-Used-to-be-Kid's-Show-Hosts. :p I'm telling you dear, that's good times. Trace and I have stories, oh, yes, we do. When you've seen guitar rock from a man who used to cavort with imaginary blue dogs, you realize shame is a relative concept.

But you looked smashingly cute in your elf togs. Really. (snicker) And with all that protection, I think you can skip the Lysol bath. See, everyone wins!

Posted by: Miss Fish | December 19, 2005 09:52 AM

HA...but you're such a CUTE elf.
A margarita awaits you, should you ever visit DC.

Posted by: Jackie Joy | December 19, 2005 10:04 AM

I almost think that streaking naked through the office party might have been less embarrassing. Hmm. But I have one question: can there be rental tights? Don't they have health codes for that? Do they just spray the crotch and feet with disinfectant like they do to bowling shoes? Cause I feel for you.

Posted by: Laura | December 19, 2005 10:05 AM

I'm impressed you only wore two tights under the rental. I would've added at least one more panty and a pantiliner plus spray the rental with lysol. I'd definitely buy you a drink if you're ever out in Berkeley, CA.

Posted by: Allyson | December 19, 2005 10:40 AM

Oh my. I hope you were able to drink at least while wearing that outfit. Rental tights should be outlawed. OUTLAWED.

Posted by: Morgan | December 19, 2005 10:49 AM

What if your firm doesn't hire any new associates in the next year??!!?? I mean, I don't know how big this firm is, but isn't that a possibility? You could be the elf 2 years in a row!! Sweet, huh?

Posted by: Brian | December 19, 2005 11:01 AM

You are so beautiful and blonde and thin that if I didn't adore you, I would totally be on my way to your house with a Bible and a chainsaw. "But Jesus told me to do it! That girl had the devil in her! No one HUMAN could be that pretty and thin!"

I think you pulled it off okay, you know. Except for the crotch thing. Have you called your ob/gyn for an appointment yet? You know, just in case.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | December 19, 2005 11:40 AM

I once had to dress up for a company party like a card. A playing card. With tights.

I think I was a Jack. No. I KNOW I was.

Posted by: allison | December 19, 2005 12:06 PM

Okay, so...how is this NOT employee abuse?

Posted by: Sister Rae | December 19, 2005 12:10 PM

So you know you can totally just travel around North America getting drunk now, right? Because if you're ever in Kamloops, BC, Canada, I'd totally buy you SEVERAL drinks.

Posted by: Heather | December 19, 2005 01:40 PM

One more vote for free drinks if you come to H-town! (actually, I can make it two, because I'm sure my buddy Amy would totally help you imbibe for free)

Posted by: Mandy | December 19, 2005 03:17 PM

Ewwwwww, crotch funk. Yuckers! Let's talk about something else. How 'bout those Seahawks? Yeah... Football. Good stuff.

Posted by: Eulallia | December 19, 2005 04:37 PM

yes, drinks on me. you deserve it. you are a better woman than i for there is no way on this planet we call earth that i would have done it. well, alright i would have, actually. and i would have had that same look on my face only maybe with more nasal pucker to suggest an odor even if one were not present because rental clothing stinks even when it seems to not stink. it's a rule.

i would not have posted a pic though. this i can guarantee and for that reason alone i am internty buying you imaginary drinks all the night long. enjoy.

Posted by: honestyrain | December 19, 2005 04:37 PM

You have more moxie than I do! I couldn't have pulled that off with anywhere near the level of cuteness you did.

I hope they gave you a decent holiday bonus to at least partially make up for the whole thing...

I'll echo everyone else: if you're ever near Portland, Maine, drinks are on me.

Posted by: Kathleen | December 19, 2005 05:08 PM

How much did I love that the first time I discovered your site there was madcap Christmas tree decorating?

Only slightly more than that the second time there are elves.

CLEARLY Lord of the Rings got it way wrong.


Posted by: Real Girl | December 19, 2005 05:12 PM

Wow, your firm is hardcore. At my firm, we just pretend the new associate has to give a speech at the seated dinner Xmas party.

I'd think you could use this pic in the firm's marketing campaign: If we treat our associates like THIS, imagine what we'll do to the opposing party!

Posted by: Anne Glamore | December 19, 2005 05:37 PM

also, i do hope you met and spoke to (and saw pictures of) the person who was elf last year. Because I am a suspicious bastard who would fear that elfitude is not really a long-standing company tradition. (particularly because you are so blonde and cute).

secondly, i do hope you are very good friends and have a strong influence over whoever took this picture (i.e., Dukay?) ! you know, negatives, which allow reprinting!!

Posted by: mmf! | December 19, 2005 05:43 PM

I'm with MMF! I was kind of thinking - I bet they really dont' do the whole dress as an elf tradition - and that they just told you that to see if you'd be dumb enough to do it.

Apparently, sending the rental - was a big clue i was wrong. :)
But you're totally adorable in it. And yeah, more drinks in CA.

Posted by: Littlehoney | December 19, 2005 06:12 PM

Oh. Sweet Girl. So. . . hmmm. . . sorry, doesn't quite do it. Is it. . . pathos? Yes, pathos. Quick, come visit and let the L5P girls help drown your sorrows. And, hey, at least you've got a cute figure. Imagine the humiliation if that had been otherwise. Oh, dear, those tights. My. Eyes.

Posted by: Deborah | December 19, 2005 06:24 PM

As a writer of insurance, in my professional opinion you could probably get Workers Comp out of this - clearly your employer is intentioanlly inflicting emotional distress. Dude, I'd file a claim STAT.

Helpful hints: post traumatic stress disorder tends to LINGER. Ditto carpal tunnel (from the putting on of 3 pairs of tights in such quick succession). Some time off around the holidays? Perfect!

Posted by: JenfromBoston | December 19, 2005 07:19 PM

Girl, you have OVARIES for dressing up like an elf AND immortalizing it on film. If you're ever in Dairyland, the drinks are on me. We can swap Deranged Holiday Character stories.

Posted by: Melissa | December 19, 2005 08:06 PM

Oh. My. God.

Could you not flat out refuse to do it? I think I would have thrown a damn tantrum if they made me dress like that at work.

And yes, if you find yourself in Los Angeles, STRONG drinks are on me. just keep the creeping crotch crunk tights away from me! lol

Posted by: amy | December 19, 2005 08:30 PM

Congrats on your nomination for the BoB Awards! Good luck and keep up the good work!

Posted by: Jim Turner | December 19, 2005 09:24 PM

If you think I'm not trying on those tights, you don't know me at all.

Posted by: Robyn | December 19, 2005 10:02 PM

oh...your face... the pain, the humanity... you frickin' kill me!!
I read it all-- the crotch crud, the costume, Gimmee and the staple? Good lord, Woman.
If you're ever in the Bay Area, you have a big fat cocktail coming your way...

Posted by: victoria | December 19, 2005 11:02 PM

Um, also? Rented headwear (I assume). Happy delousing. There's a shot of whiskey with your name on it in northwest Arkansas.

Posted by: Megs | December 19, 2005 11:41 PM

hehehe.

Posted by: Kristen | December 20, 2005 12:10 AM

I think you look more like a poinsettia, if that is any less humiliating. I'm guessing ... not.

Posted by: steve J | December 20, 2005 08:44 AM

I'm pretty sure this incident alone created a hostile work environment. I can't believe your lawfirm made you do that.

Posted by: Lucy | December 20, 2005 11:12 AM

Oh my god Miss Doxie. That picture makes you the coolest blogger on the interweb. For real.

Posted by: TB | December 20, 2005 11:17 AM

This is one cyber-gift certicate/Invitation, good until whenever you and Dukay decide to come visit here in beautiful Santa Barbara. Entitles the bearer to: As many rosemary-infused lemon drops, mojitos, margaritas, bottles of wine, boilermakers, Sake-bombs or other libations of your choice as it takes to wash the shame of The Tights de Crotch-Rot, Hat of Horror, and Elfish Evil Ensemble out of your soul. Slainte! Salud! Cheers! Down the hatch!

Posted by: Maya | December 20, 2005 03:53 PM

This is why they pay you the big bucks, right??!

Posted by: Kirsten M. Christianson | December 20, 2005 05:51 PM

So does this mean you're going to wear the elf outfit every day until you get new non-shrunken-by-hot-cleaners suits? You know you want to....

Posted by: Shawna | December 20, 2005 09:08 PM

Lawyers are just plain mean. Seriously, what's next? Cupid?? The Easter Bunny??

Posted by: Brighton | December 20, 2005 11:20 PM

Are you sure that next year you won't again, be the newest?

Posted by: Mary | December 20, 2005 11:57 PM

I'm getting that you tossed the rental tights, (eww) and bought a pair of both red and green tights, sliced a leg off each pair, and, it worked for elf tights.

What good resourcefulness!

Posted by: Mary | December 21, 2005 12:11 AM

what an outfit you got there ...

it's your responsibility, but why an elf? :D

Posted by: anonymuis | December 21, 2005 08:26 AM

Merry Christmas Miss Doxie, you certainly caught the holiday spirit in this one. (And let's hope that's all you caught, lol). Kidding, I think two pairs of tights probably did the trick. Thanks for sharing your pics and showing us what the holidays are really about... making other people appreciate that they don't have to dress up like an elf. ;) Happy holidays!

Posted by: Radiantsky | December 21, 2005 03:58 PM

Oh my god, that looks like something my mom would make me wear---to high school. Oh, the flash backs!

Next time you visit the beautiful Pacific Northwest, make a stop in Portland OR and I'll treat you to some of the most DE-lish Pinot Noir in the world (we make it here, ya know).

Happy Merry Everything Greetings!

Posted by: Suz | December 22, 2005 02:29 PM

You wear it well. And isn't this just the best picture of yourself to keep for ever to show your children, your grandchildren?
Or anyone who needs cheering up at Christmastime.

Posted by: fifi | December 22, 2005 03:38 PM

I *just* submitted an application to my #1 choice law school this morning. I then scooted over here to see what's up in Doxie-land and thought, "Oh crap. This is what I'm in for?"

Drinks all around!

Posted by: Liz | December 23, 2005 01:22 PM

Merry Christmas to you, Dukay, and all your four-legged children, Miss Doxie. Thanks for all the grins and giggles.

God bless,
LadyBug

Posted by: LadyBug | December 23, 2005 01:42 PM

Absolute pisser of a blog; keep up the great work.

As for the costume, we all have to make little sacrifices as we move up the ladder. Personally, I think I would prefer to remove my left teste with a blunt plastic teaspoon :)

Would buy you a drink, but...

Posted by: zymurgyfreak | December 25, 2005 09:10 PM

Hey Doxie-
Just had to look again - the image was slowly fading from the retinas. Drinks are on me in beautiful Folsom, CA (Execution free for over 40 years!). But please, girl, stay off the upholstery-I mean, you know...

Posted by: mramunds | January 2, 2006 07:28 PM

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