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A Series Of Vignettes That Will Tell You Way More Than You Want To Know About My Brain

December 06, 2005

I find all of these to be outrageously funny. I am probably the only one. I apologize now.

Monday, 12 a.m.: On sofa, watching Discovery Channel special intriguingly titled "Killer Jellyfish"

Announcer: And now we see the elusive KILLER JELLYFISH, which is actually only [some small number of] centimeters long!

Self: Ew.

Announcer: But despite his small size, he is the DEADLIEST THING EVER to cross your television screen, watch out for your EYES.

Dukay: Do you think those live in my bathtub?

Self: Look, squishy.

Announcer: BUT. Despite this small creature's GREAT POTENT DEATH POISON OF DEATH, it has ONE WEAKNESS:

In perfect unison:

Self: Chocolate?
Dukay: JOLLY RANCHERS!

Announcer: ...LLLLLLLLIGHT.

Dukay: LLLLLLLLAME.

Self:... jolly ranchers?

Dukay: The apple ones!

***

Monday, 5 p.m., Target, Where Someone Always Tries To Pick Me Up Because The Smell Of Commerce And Plastic Drives Men Wild, Apparently

Self: La de da. Shopping.

Strange Man: Excuse me?

Self: ...?

Strange Man: I just...couldn't...help noticing...your...eyes...

Strange Man: (speaks like Christopher Walken)

Strange Man: (is getting very, VERY close to me)

Strange Man: (is freaking me out)

Self: What about my eyes? That I have...two of them? Currently?

Strange Man: They're so...blue, and what are you, like...seventeen?

Strange Man: (is like fifty)

Strange Man: (is a pervert)

Self: (looks NOTHING like she is seventeen)

Self: (does not like Strange Man)

Self: No, I'm almost thirty.

Strange Man: (horrified) You're...what?

Self: Almost thirty. Also I'm a lawyer specializing in sexual harassment law.

Strange Man: (is noticeably backing away)

Strange Man: Really, that's --

Self: SEXUAL HARASSMENT, I SAY!

Strange Man: I've...oh...

Strange Man: (Immediately turns and QUICKLY walks away)

Self: Yay, unexpected career perk!

***

Monday, 6:45 p.m.: Local CVS Drug Store, Which Is Actually Not That Big For Me To Be Having This Conversation

Self: (on phone)

Self: (which she hates to do in stores because of rudeness, so is trying to be really quiet, however:)

Self: (is having trouble hearing other party, who is Party In Crisis, and:)

Self: (is trying to dispense sage advice, as self is prone to do)

Self: You know what? No, you know what? This is just like...it's like...that song?

What Other People In Store Hear: (Nothing, as I am on the phone)

So, What Other People In Store Hear: (pause)

Self: No, nothing by Jessica Simpson.

(pause)

Self: Not ABBA, no. No! What was...Send in the Clowns! That song.

(Okay, so there is some confusion as to what the fuck I am talking about here. This actually Made Sense. I explained it in the comments to this entry, but basically: Party A had not wanted a commitment when Party B DID, and then Party A decided to commit at exactly the same time that Party B decided NOT to. So this is actually kind of logical. Vaguely.)

(pause)

Self: Barbra Streisand? I don't fucking know, but yeah, JUST like that, because...okay, think of it like poetry.

(pause)

Self: NO. Stop laughing. I mean it! "Isn't it...rich?"

(pause)

Self: POETRY. "Aren't we a pair? Me here at last on the ground? You...something? IN AIR."

(pause)

Self: Um, "isn't it...farps?"

(pause)

Self: "...farks?" I don't know what that word is.

(pause)

Self: You can't listen to poetry if you are laughing.

(pause)

Self: Shut up, it's not farts.

(pause)

Self: Oh, fine then. Look, I really have to go, but I'll call you later.

Self: (Hangs up)

Self: (realizes everyone in small store is staring at her)

Self: Um. Hee?

Everyone In Store: (wanders away, giggling)

Woman Behind Me: (Loudly hums "Send in the Clowns")

Helpful Man In Store: It's farce.

***

Tuesday, 1 a.m.: Sitting On Couch, Updating When Should Be Sleeping:

Self: Hi!

***

The End Of The Shopping Things:

There shall be no more shopping updates, but here are the last few to get in under the wire:

As per several reader suggestions, this site has several (very funny) products for under $10;

Melissa from Crafters For Critters emailed to let us know that y'all can get free shipping with the code FREE_SHIP; remember that they updated on Monday, so there's great new stuff there, and all proceeds go to doggies;

Kythryne, she of the previously-titled "secret pal" entry, has a pretty shop of which I was not previously aware;

And (updated) Shano has set up a whole entire $10 site for y'all with all her awesome prints. Seriously, go look at those. She's crazy talented.

Also, I met these ladies at the craft show on Sunday, and they were all very talented, and I strongly believe that we should purchase all of their inventory. Also, hello to everyone else I met, including several good-looking Doxie readers who saw me wearing (1) a Neighborhoodies tee-shirt with a 24 slogan on ("Palmer for President!"); (2) a sweater resembling a strangled muppet; and (3) That Belt Buckle Approximately The Same Size As Alaska, Featuring An ENORMOUS Gold Eagle, People, I Am Sorry I Am Such Trash. Anyway, hi, y'all!

And finally, don't forget to check all of the updates from the last entry if you're still in a shopping frame of mind; a bunch of discounts came in after I'd posted, so they're all there now. Free shipping! Percentages off! It is like a happy dream.

Y'all, that was fun. I like the shoppy thing! Maybe we'll make it an annual event. Didn't you like it? Wasn't it rich? Wasn't it...farce?

That's what I thought.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

41 Comments

It is both gross and hilarious that the man in Target was horrified by the fact that you were not, alas, a teenager. Dirty old perv.

Posted by: Fraulein N | December 6, 2005 09:05 AM

I am totally trying to think of what kind of crisis one could be in that would resemble the story told by the lyrics of "Send in the Clowns."

In that Bush song "Glycerine," I always thought the line "our old friend fear and you and me" was "our old friend Phil and you and me." But luckily I never thought it out loud. In CVS.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | December 6, 2005 09:48 AM

Thank you Miss Doxie and thank you kind readers... I was just looking at my address book last night thinking, "I want more things like this. Where do these things come from?" Apparently it's AnneTainter. Thank you.

Posted by: E | December 6, 2005 10:38 AM

NO, SERIOUSLY, IT TOTALLY MADE SENSE! Because Party A had not wanted a commitment when Party B DID, and then Party A decided to commit at exactly the same time that Party B decided NOT to, and that is EXACTLY like Send in the Clowns. I think.

Notice that people are completely terrified of this entry and are afraid to leave comments. Heh. Apparently, y'all don't WANT to know what goes on inside my head! It is dark in there!

Who bets I delete this in an hour?

Posted by: Miss Doxie | December 6, 2005 10:57 AM

I'm am totally stealing your sexual harassment attorney comeback. Even though am not lawyer. That's excellent.
And clowns? Good for metaphors of all types. Sad clowns, funny clowns, scary clowns - they work in every situation.

Posted by: TB | December 6, 2005 11:09 AM

I laughed, I cried, I sang. After your explanation of the song to conversation it makes perfect sense. Also now you know what to get Dukay for under $10...Apple Ones.

Posted by: mackmomma | December 6, 2005 12:02 PM

Yes! It makes sense now! And I will be humming that song all day.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | December 6, 2005 12:08 PM

I am the queen of mishearing lyrics.

"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis?
Yeah, "slowly walking down the hal/past the vat of cannonballs."

"So Long, Farewell" from Sound of Music
"So long/farewell/I'll even say goodbye." or alternately "my feet are saying goodbye."

My husband would totally hear farts instead of farce.

Posted by: theresa | December 6, 2005 12:11 PM

I am totally laughing at the jellyfish thing, because that is totally how Ben and I watch TV -- watching TV with Ben is like watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Like the time I awoke at 7 a.m. to find him watching a movie about cowboys and pterodactyls (true!), and the cowboy is grabbing this huge flying dinosaur from behind to wrestle it, and Ben yells at the screen, "Don't try to FUCK it!" Which, once he mentioned it, the cowboy was totally appearing to do.

Someday you and Dukay will have to come over and get drunk and watch TV with us. Yes, and travel thousands of miles to do it. Because Ben's guess would have been that the jellyfish's weakness was "little boys".

Posted by: Gretchen C. | December 6, 2005 12:32 PM

comeback to dirty perv at target was AWESOME! ooohhh... now i almost want a chance to use it. i generally go with the look "DIE DIRTY PERV DIE!" or sometimes i just say it out loud, if the message doesn't seem to be getting through.

i definitely have convos like that last one. one the best was in a cafe in paris, where another american friend and i were reliving french class. "remember that video we watched, with the talking pineapple?" "yes! je suis une anana!" "non, ce n'est pas possible!" "si, c'est possible!" [repeat exchange several times while giggling hysterically.]

heard by french guys at the next table: "i am a pineapple!" "no, it's not possible!" "yes, it is possible!" [stare intently at crazy american girls. is just like tv!]

Posted by: Ali G | December 6, 2005 12:37 PM

My lil sis loves to mangle lyrics...she still sings "I'll never be your big Suburban" (beast of burden).

At least the people in CVS had something to think about. Did you ever see Lewis Black's stand-up?? "If it wasn't for my horse, I never would have gone to college."

We saw the jellyfish documentary too, the bf thought their weakness was...porpoises? not real clear on why

Posted by: jes | December 6, 2005 01:14 PM

Dearest Miss Doxie,
Long time fan and reader. You've inspired me not only to wear embroidered pants (if ONLY I had me some) but to have a MISS DOXIE $10 SALE . . . Which can be found here-

http://www.shano-studio.com/missdoxie.html

Thanks for all the laughs!
***'s & x's
Shano

Posted by: Shano | December 6, 2005 01:23 PM

"Send in the Clowns" is totally applicable to every single darn relationship I had in high school. OK, so that was two. But still. Also, I have NEVER laughed so loudly at a Miss Doxie entry as I did when I read "loudly hums 'Send in the Clowns'". And that's saying something.

Posted by: Rachel | December 6, 2005 02:16 PM

You are seriously undermining my credibility @ work. Since discovering your website several months ago, I cannot even begin to tell you how many co-workers & associates have wandered into my office to find me lying on my desk, tears running down my face, silently laughing. "Silently" because I have run out of breath from laughing so hard.

They may send the little men to come take me away, but it will so be worth it. Thanks, Miss Doxie!

PS - "Send In the Clowns" is a Sondheim tune. I don't know who originally sang it. Isn't it bad enough that I know who wrote it??

Posted by: melieux | December 6, 2005 02:18 PM

Farps? Seriously, farps? The cat, currently the only other living thing in my house...well, BESIDES me, is looking at me as if to say, "What is this farps thing, and why is it so funny?"

My sister thought the Blind Melon song where they say "...keep your cheeks dry today": was about cheese. I know, I know...

Posted by: s u s a n | December 6, 2005 03:00 PM

Do you know how many people I have had to correct when they are singing "Blinded by the light?" Racked up like a "deuce" people, a "Deuce." Not a "douche." Sheesh. As for jellyfish? I would have guessed sour gummies - those things can eat an acid hole in your stomach.

Posted by: Laura | December 6, 2005 04:55 PM

I checked out your photo in your section about yourself, and it IS true...you do have two eyes! Currently.

Chris

Posted by: Chris Savino | December 6, 2005 05:02 PM

My favorite misheard lyric ever is courtesy of my slightly loopy roommate, who confessed to me that when he was a child, he always wondered why someone would write a song about being an "Owner of a Parking Lot".

Though he did concede that the song was probably right about that being better than being the owner of a broken heart, but still.

I still chuckle about that one.

Posted by: Leigh Butler | December 6, 2005 05:18 PM

all of those made me laugh too. And now I need to find a career perk to make crazy pervs go away. I'm an economist, ideas anyone?

Posted by: z. | December 6, 2005 05:32 PM

My friend Ryan still insists his version of 'Angel of the Morning' is better with the lyrics "Just brush my teeth before you leave me."

Posted by: Megs | December 6, 2005 06:17 PM

have you never had an apple jolly rancher? i assume not for if you had your confusion would be non existent. also good: watermelon jolly ranchers. ask dukay. he'll know.

Posted by: honestyrain | December 6, 2005 07:12 PM

Re: Target

You're more than a little pretty, you know.

Posted by: adrienne Grant | December 6, 2005 09:32 PM

Mmmmm...watermelon jolly ranchers are my favorite...apple runs a close second though. Guess if I ever get up the nerve to go diving, I'll have to bring some apple jolly ranchers with me. You know - to weaken the tiny but oh-so-fatally-poisonous jellyfish, just in case...

I loved reading about that whole conversation between you, Dukay (where IS the "how we met" story Dukay?!?), and the TV. Reminds me of how my hubby and I watch TV...what's scary is when you start thinking of the EXACT same oddball thing at the EXACT same time...and you both say it OUT LOUD. IN UNISON. Very scary. I think we've been married too long? LOL

Posted by: Ivie | December 6, 2005 10:33 PM

"owner of a lonely horse" (perhaps my horse should meet the slightly loopy roommate's parking lot)
"I don't want no wedding day" (For a guy who didn't want a wedding day, Bob Marley sure had a slew of kids)
"Reverend in blue jeans" (maybe Neil Diamond IS a member of the clergy)
"But the chair is not my son" (that is totally what Jacko's singing, dust off your old copy of Thriller and give it a listen, it's true)
"show me show me show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me real seasick" (that's why Robert Smith always looks so pale)
"hike up your shirt little boy and show your world to me" (now you know why I can't stand Dave Matthews)
"yoga, pilates, drinkin' cafe lattes" (Oh wait, Madonna actually did write those lyrics)

You should read "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates" by Tom Robbins. It's the best excuse for getting "Send in the Clowns" stuck in your head.

Posted by: mulqueeny | December 7, 2005 11:27 AM

Hey there--

This is more in line with the shopping posts, but I just saw this linked to in another blog--fun, quirky little gifts--most for under $10.

http://www.popgadget.net/2005/12/popgadget_gift.php

Pretty handy, I'd say. And who *doesn't* need a sponge shaped like a microphone for in-shower singing?!

Posted by: Erin | December 7, 2005 12:14 PM

My favorite misheard lyric: "I fought the log and the log won" instead of "I fought the law and the law won". I actually asked my sister how it was possible to lose a fight with a log. Did it...I don't know...roll onto his foot? Was he a lumberjack? Why was he fighting with a log anyway?

Posted by: Sally | December 7, 2005 03:17 PM

My sisters both sing "windshield wipers, turpentine" in "Bobby McGee." Loudly, and with gusto.
Also, tell Dukay he's not supposed to keep the tub full of water all the time. I'm really frightened about the jellyfish he thinks might live in his tub. Oh, and he needs to be writing that story, not watching t.v.

Posted by: Mich | December 7, 2005 04:39 PM

miss doxie! i am so happy! with the conversations---you love me and bow to my every whim! and the hilarity! yay!

[actually, today kind of sucked, but still. funny!]

who is dukay kidding with the jolly ranchers? so gross, the apple ones are. and the watermelon. EW.

i totally do the "um, hee?" thing. and when teachers come by to help me, i'll be all "hi!" i don't usually say it to myself though.

Posted by: meretyping | December 7, 2005 05:43 PM

Your page cracks me up! I loved the Target come back. I'm a Russian graduate student and I usually just start talking to those creeps in Russian, but I like your approach better.

Posted by: Stacia | December 7, 2005 07:13 PM

Miss Doxie, I love all your posts and you always make me laugh every day!

Posted by: Heather | December 7, 2005 07:56 PM

Man! I wish I shopped at your CVS.

Posted by: holley | December 7, 2005 08:17 PM

For that Grease song, "The One That I Want" or whatever, for the longest time I thought she was singing, "I've got shoes, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control."

And it totally made sense to me.

Also, instead of "Been through the desert on a horse with no name," I thought, "Been through the desert on a horse with NO LEGS" and that seemed quite profound to me at the time. ;)

Posted by: K | December 7, 2005 10:39 PM


I would just like to send you a sincere (yet sarcastic) thank you for getting Send in the Clowns stuck in my head all damned evening.

You? Funny. Me? Laughing.

Posted by: Contrary | December 8, 2005 12:28 AM

"(speaks like Christopher Walken)"

hilarious! and scary...

Posted by: justJENN | December 8, 2005 01:09 AM

I am supposed to be studying for finals! FINALS! I will now fail all of my classes,... all. of. them. Because, for some ungodly reason, I cannot tear my eyeballs away from the detailed antics of this woman and her dogs. Sweet Jesus help me.

Posted by: Loulie | December 8, 2005 01:39 AM

My favorite misheard lyric (that I believe no one actually knows the correct words?) is:

Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douche, another roller in the night.

Posted by: Mandy | December 8, 2005 10:16 AM

you are not the only one! they are outrageously funny. (and now you know.)

Posted by: chuck | December 9, 2005 12:32 AM

I know it's a big city, but one day I'm going to run into you. And I know just what to say..."I just...couldn't...help noticing...your...eyes..." - I hope you don't mace me before you figure it out.

Posted by: IV:XX | December 9, 2005 09:47 AM

Am I the only one thinks Miss Doxie could pass for being seventeen? Old creepy man is still definitely a pervent though.

Posted by: SarahMoluccan | December 11, 2005 08:26 AM

Hmm. When I was a kid, I thought the lyrics to 'row, row, row your boat were "wipe your butt - a dream."

Posted by: Nicole | December 14, 2005 07:30 PM

People, the only thing creepier than the perv at Target, is the version of Send In The Clowns, by FRANK SINATRA. Judy Collins warbles it much less creepier.

Seriously. Frank Sinatra. Clowns. Isn't it rich?

(shudder)

Posted by: Kelly | January 3, 2006 07:01 PM

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