A Series Of Vignettes That Will Tell You Way More Than You Want To Know About My Brain
I find all of these to be outrageously funny. I am probably the only one. I apologize now.
Monday, 12 a.m.: On sofa, watching Discovery Channel special intriguingly titled "Killer Jellyfish"
Announcer: And now we see the elusive KILLER JELLYFISH, which is actually only [some small number of] centimeters long!
Announcer: But despite his small size, he is the DEADLIEST THING EVER to cross your television screen, watch out for your EYES.
Dukay: Do you think those live in my bathtub?
Self: Look, squishy.
Announcer: BUT. Despite this small creature's GREAT POTENT DEATH POISON OF DEATH, it has ONE WEAKNESS:
In perfect unison:
Dukay: JOLLY RANCHERS!
Self:... jolly ranchers?
Dukay: The apple ones!
Monday, 5 p.m., Target, Where Someone Always Tries To Pick Me Up Because The Smell Of Commerce And Plastic Drives Men Wild, Apparently
Self: La de da. Shopping.
Strange Man: Excuse me?
Strange Man: I just...couldn't...help noticing...your...eyes...
Strange Man: (speaks like Christopher Walken)
Strange Man: (is getting very, VERY close to me)
Strange Man: (is freaking me out)
Self: What about my eyes? That I have...two of them? Currently?
Strange Man: They're so...blue, and what are you, like...seventeen?
Strange Man: (is like fifty)
Strange Man: (is a pervert)
Self: (looks NOTHING like she is seventeen)
Self: (does not like Strange Man)
Self: No, I'm almost thirty.
Strange Man: (horrified) You're...what?
Self: Almost thirty. Also I'm a lawyer specializing in sexual harassment law.
Strange Man: (is noticeably backing away)
Strange Man: Really, that's --
Self: SEXUAL HARASSMENT, I SAY!
Strange Man: I've...oh...
Strange Man: (Immediately turns and QUICKLY walks away)
Self: Yay, unexpected career perk!
Monday, 6:45 p.m.: Local CVS Drug Store, Which Is Actually Not That Big For Me To Be Having This Conversation
Self: (on phone)
Self: (which she hates to do in stores because of rudeness, so is trying to be really quiet, however:)
Self: (is having trouble hearing other party, who is Party In Crisis, and:)
Self: (is trying to dispense sage advice, as self is prone to do)
Self: You know what? No, you know what? This is just like...it's like...that song?
What Other People In Store Hear: (Nothing, as I am on the phone)
So, What Other People In Store Hear: (pause)
Self: No, nothing by Jessica Simpson.
Self: Not ABBA, no. No! What was...Send in the Clowns! That song.
(Okay, so there is some confusion as to what the fuck I am talking about here. This actually Made Sense. I explained it in the comments to this entry, but basically: Party A had not wanted a commitment when Party B DID, and then Party A decided to commit at exactly the same time that Party B decided NOT to. So this is actually kind of logical. Vaguely.)
Self: Barbra Streisand? I don't fucking know, but yeah, JUST like that, because...okay, think of it like poetry.
Self: NO. Stop laughing. I mean it! "Isn't it...rich?"
Self: POETRY. "Aren't we a pair? Me here at last on the ground? You...something? IN AIR."
Self: Um, "isn't it...farps?"
Self: "...farks?" I don't know what that word is.
Self: You can't listen to poetry if you are laughing.
Self: Shut up, it's not farts.
Self: Oh, fine then. Look, I really have to go, but I'll call you later.
Self: (Hangs up)
Self: (realizes everyone in small store is staring at her)
Self: Um. Hee?
Everyone In Store: (wanders away, giggling)
Woman Behind Me: (Loudly hums "Send in the Clowns")
Helpful Man In Store: It's farce.
Tuesday, 1 a.m.: Sitting On Couch, Updating When Should Be Sleeping:
The End Of The Shopping Things:
There shall be no more shopping updates, but here are the last few to get in under the wire:
As per several reader suggestions, this site has several (very funny) products for under $10;
Melissa from Crafters For Critters emailed to let us know that y'all can get free shipping with the code FREE_SHIP; remember that they updated on Monday, so there's great new stuff there, and all proceeds go to doggies;
Kythryne, she of the previously-titled "secret pal" entry, has a pretty shop of which I was not previously aware;
And (updated) Shano has set up a whole entire $10 site for y'all with all her awesome prints. Seriously, go look at those. She's crazy talented.
Also, I met these ladies at the craft show on Sunday, and they were all very talented, and I strongly believe that we should purchase all of their inventory. Also, hello to everyone else I met, including several good-looking Doxie readers who saw me wearing (1) a Neighborhoodies tee-shirt with a 24 slogan on ("Palmer for President!"); (2) a sweater resembling a strangled muppet; and (3) That Belt Buckle Approximately The Same Size As Alaska, Featuring An ENORMOUS Gold Eagle, People, I Am Sorry I Am Such Trash. Anyway, hi, y'all!
And finally, don't forget to check all of the updates from the last entry if you're still in a shopping frame of mind; a bunch of discounts came in after I'd posted, so they're all there now. Free shipping! Percentages off! It is like a happy dream.
Y'all, that was fun. I like the shoppy thing! Maybe we'll make it an annual event. Didn't you like it? Wasn't it rich? Wasn't it...farce?
That's what I thought.