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Law Students, You Are Asking For Trouble, And I Am Now Forced To Bring It.

November 18, 2005

Law school? People, what the hell? Do you...I mean, seriously? You want to know about law school? Hee. OKAY!

Law school sucked! The end.

No, not really. I mean, yeah, it DID suck, but that's not the end. I will go into detail momentarily IN NINETEEN PARAGRAPHS. First, however, I will note that apparently, you all have a burning, itching desire to read about the following. This is how the votes went down:

1st place: How I Met Dukay

2nd Place: Dog stories/dog photo essay

3rd Place: Law school stories

4th Place: Ziz Stories

Honorable Mention: Stories about the Amish; stories about accidentally showing my boobs; stories about getting drunk and falling down; stories about falling down; stories about throwing poop; photo entries of my art; stories about high school dramas; stories about my need to obsessively purchase bohemian skirts whenever I visit the city of Charleston, South Carolina; stories about interesting New Years' Eve experiences; stories about shoes; stories about the trouble I got into as a child (NONE, NONE at ALL, as I was an angel princess. I am offended, madam.); stories that involve conversations; and, finally, romantic love stories about Bo falling passionately in love with someone while they sat together on my couch and drank pink tequila.

Plus, Sarah B would like for us all to fuck democracy. Heh. Dude, y'all are funny.

OKAY. So, anyway, that's the tally, with an overwhelming number of requests for the Story of How Dukay and Doxie met. And you guys, it is a super good story. It spans years. People who know this story request it at dinner parties! It is THAT good! Really! Which is why...I am not going to write about it.

But guess who is! Dukay. Internet, hold on to your collective hats. My boyfriend is coming for you. And probably your daughters. Lock them up immediately.

Seriously, is this not a perfect idea? Thank you. It was mine. At some point last night, I officially announced my intention not to rest until Dukay has provided me with his version of our "how we met" story. And Dukay has agreed. Because it is safer to just agree with me when I get Like That.

But here is the thing about Dukay: Dukay tells lies. Dukay is a procrastinator, plus he has an actual job, so he's all, "Oh, my joooooob, so important, I have to woooork," and I'm like, "Pssh. Whatever. Write me a story now, slacker!" and as a result of this difference of opinion, we will probably end up coming to blows. So, I was thinking, that if you would like to help me...uh, "gently encourage" Dukay along in his writing efforts, please send me an email with "Dukay" mentioned somewhere in the subject line, and I will forward them all to him. At work.

Hee. Oh, he is going to LOVE that. Seriously! Dukay LOVES nagging! Nagging is like sweet, sweet music to his darling, nibble-able ears.

But, ANYWAY. So, the second place request was a dog/dog photo entry, which I will post once I take some new pictures of the dogs. I am charging my little friendly camera right now, for that express purpose. I may even bathe the little bastards! So expect that shortly. And at that point, I will either tell the story of How We Found Out That Gimmme Is Not Gay, or the story of The Cat Food Incident. Or maybe both. I am just kicky that way.

Coming in third is the law school thing. And, that is really funny to me, because I don't think I've ever written about law school. Are y'all just sitting there, all sad, waiting for an entry that never comes? Are you like starving kittens? I kind of imagine y'all being sad, like starving kittens. I am sorry! I did not know! I will address your starving kitten needs first, because I can't do the dog entry until I have pictures, and Dukay's tackling the meeting story, and...uh, I guess fuck democracy, indeed, because I'm doing this all the heck out of order.

Lastly, before I [fucking finally] get into the story, thank everyone for the ideas; I may end up writing about all of them, because...y'all are clever! And I was sitting there, all, "Hmm. I have nothing to say," and now I have all KINDS of ideas, and it is kind of like a whole bunch of little assignments, and did I mention that I have always been kind of a nerd? With the assignments? Love them.

AND ANYWAY. HERE WE GO. After NINETEEN PARAGRAPHS of idle chitchat:

Doxie Goes To Law School
A Cautionary Tale!

People always ask me if I hated law school. And I never know what to say to this question. Honestly, I am not really sure how I felt about law school. I did have a good time, and I met a lot of great people; I also worked my ass the hell off of my body, and often went without sleeping for literally days at a time. I ended and began some of the most important relationships of my life during law school. I also clocked over seven million hours perfecting my game of Minesweeper, and consumed enough wine to fund the college educations of every man, woman and child in all of Napa Valley.

"Law school is fucked up," I usually say. And that is certainly true.

The worst part of law school (besides the Socratic method, which...I hate you, Socrates. I truly do) is the lack of sleep. I missed out on an enormous amount of sleep while I was in law school, though a lot of that was my own fault, because unfortunately I am just one of those obnoxious people who has to get her grubby little hands all over everything. That is how I ended up competing on our moot court team while also writing my law review note in my second year. It is also how, in my third year, I ended up working 20 hours a week at a pro bono law clinic, while also finishing classes, while ALSO being on the managing board of both my law journal AND the moot court board, AND serving as a student/faculty liaison for international law, PLUS this is when I started dating Dukay and ALSO had four dogs, and THAT was a fun time.

(Note to people not in law school: seriously, you guys. That is a lot of shit. Everyone who is/has been in law school just let out a little shriek and backed away from their computers in horror. They are scared of me now. They fear my spooky ability to multitask.)

Let me tell you what I learned about all of my extracurricular law school activities: they will not help you get a job. No, wait, I'm lying: okay, they help some, but they are not determinative. Don't kill yourself doing everything. Do not do what I have done, gentle readers. For I was an idiot.

Still, oddly enough, what I remember about law school is not suffering from paralyzing exhaustion, or miserably studying for civil procedure (which, wait, civil procedure is actually the worst part of all of law school, even worse than future interests and the rule against perpetuities), or trying to finish my note the same fucking night I had the rest of my moot court team over to finish our competition brief, which just happened to be due on the same exact day. All of these things have been blocked from my memory, probably due to an unhealthy combination of alcohol and delusion, and for this, I am absolutely not sorry.

What I do remember about law school is kind of a collage of things. I remember that I started law school fresh out of college in a desperate attempt to prolong the student experience by not becoming employed. I remember that back then, I was dating the boy I planned to marry, until law school so skewed my view of all things that I kicked him out of the house one morning at dawn, before then attending all of my classes for the day. I remember sitting at a bar downtown, holding the hands of a classmate I had never before spoken to, taking tandem tequila shots and crying to each other that law school is the FUCKING STUPIDEST THING WE HAVE EVER DONE, OH MY GOD, I AM TOTALLY CALLING MY MOTHER.

Because, see, law school makes you insane. There are no exceptions. Soon you will be nuts.

And it comes on slowly at first; you'll be at a party with other first years (note: in my experience, "partying with other first years" will only occur immediately after you turn in your first major memo, because prior to that, you are all too terrified to Funk). Someone will fall over during a keg stand, or fall down a flight of stairs, or SOME accident will occur, and instead of calling the party foul, as would be appropriate in such an instance, one of your classmates will instead turn to the group and say, "That is a tort."

And you will AGREE. And you will LAUGH. Because it is TRUE.

Now. You have just passed an important milestone! At this point, your soul is dead. Sorry.

I mean, don't feel bad; it happens to everyone! I myself have stood in a party and announced that the unlocked liquor cabinet is an attractive nuisance. YOU WILL DO THIS. It is going to be okay.

But seriously. Your soul is gone. Hope you weren't using it. Oh, and also, all your non-law school friends? They hate you now. "Please do not talk about the law anymore," they are thinking. "Do you not see my looks of desperation? Have you no shame? HAVE YOU NO SOUL?"

Nope! You don't. But it's kind of a good thing, because the loss of your soul is the first step toward the Not Caring. The Not Caring is awesome. It has a tendency to manifest in the second year, but fail to take full effect until some time in third year, when you will proceed to sign up for all survey classes and something taught by a guy in a cowboy hat, and you stop (a) giving a shit, and (b) attending, and yet somehow you pull off the highest GPA of your legal career. You loooove the Not Caring.

In the first year, however, You Care. Oh, You Care Deeply. You live in terror of hearing your name called. You find yourself slouching low in your seat, praying for invisibility. You lie awake at night, wondering if you should really be sleeping when you still don't have your future interests straight.

"Oh, God in heaven," you will think, staring at the dark ceiling. "I have forgotten what a fee simple determinative is. Surely I do not deserve to live."

The Caring of the first year will make you crazy and unhappy. Which is why, at some point, you will have to just loosen the hell up. And in our case, we accomplished this through a series of games.

For example, I have very fond memories of playing Asshole Bingo. Current law students! Do you play Asshole Bingo? I bet y'all do, because there is some variation of this game everywhere, but here is our own recipe:

During the first year at many law schools, you have all of the same classes with all of the same people. So you spend all day going tromping from class to class in an annoying, sixty-person-wide clump. (Psst. Y'all is...."tromp" a word? I feel like it is. Whatever, it is now.)

You get to know all the other people in your section very, very quickly. There are things about those people that you learn extremely quickly. In our section, before the end of the first day, we already knew whose hand would shoot into the air whenever a professor asked a question. By the end of the first day, we already knew that there was a girl in the back who would forever condition her every response with, "Well, as a former CFO of a COMpany..." REGARDLESS of what was being asked. We recognized these people early. Our hatred was both immediate and all-consuming.

And this is where the brilliant notion of Asshole Bingo came in. Let's say you are taking five classes: torts, contracts, property, criminal, and civ pro. And say there are five horrid classmates that always, ALWAYS have to pipe up at inappropriate moments, or who feel the need to make some sort of self-congratulatory pronouncement every time they speak, or basically just irritate the shit out of you. Say you've got five of those.

Well, you make yourself a little bingo card. And you put those names down the left side of the grid, and your classes across the top. Everyone else playing will have different cards; you can put people and classes in whatever order you choose. Plus, your friends might think that different people are more obnoxious than the ones you've chosen. Whatever! As long as you've got five names and five classes, though, you are golden, and you are ready to play.

Now, in Non-Asshole Bingo, someone stands at the front of the room with a metal cage filled with little balls and calls out the numbers to rooms filled with senior citizens. "B-12," the ball-caller might say. "D-6." This is not how Asshole Bingo works.

In Asshole Bingo, you get to mark off spots when one of those people listed on your card does something obnoxious in a class that is also listed on your card. For example, let's say "Bob" acts like an asshole in torts. Let's say "Bob" just can't wait for another student, who is struggling a little with her answer to the professor's question, to finish speaking, and so "Bob" lets out a pained sigh, raises his waving hand in front of the teacher's face, and announces, in an exasperated tone, "That is so OBviously gross negligence."

This means that you go to the spot on the grid where "Bob" and "Torts" come together, and now? You get to mark that spot. Good for you!

We had a group of ten people in our Asshole Bingo game, and every time someone would do something obnoxious in class, ten heads would immediately drop, as we scanned our cards to see whether we’d just made our bingo. I AM SURE WE WERE SO SUBTLE.

But we did not care. We were not fucking around with Asshole Bingo, in part because there was money involved. At the beginning of the week, everyone playing Asshole Bingo put five bucks into the pot. Whoever made their bingo first – and traditional rules apply, so you have to make a vertical, horizontal, or diagonal line on your card – won the pot. BUT WE DID NOT MAKE THIS PART EASY.

Because you are required to actually announce your bingo. In class. Out loud.

I made my first Bingo when our classmate informed us, once again, that as the former CFO of a COMpany, she believed the property we were discussing was subject to eminent domain. And as soon as the words were out of her mouth, ten heads shot down to look at their bingo cards, and that is when I saw that the space for “Jane” and “Property” was now filled, and I had myself a real, honest-to-God, Asshole Bingo.

Which I then had to announce. I raised my hand.

“Miss Doxie?” the professor asked.

“I was just trying to figure this out last night, this eminent domain stuff?” I began. “And it wasn’t coming to me? But then, what you just said? Man, that did it, the way you just explained it, and I was like, bingo! I’ve got it now!”

Three different people cursed under their breath and threw their cards to the floor. The professor stared at me.

“So I just…wanted to say thanks!” I told him.

“You’re welcome,” he said. “May I continue?”

Several minutes later, class ended, and we were walking out when the professor came up behind us. “Asshole bingo?” he asked quietly. When we nodded, he rolled his eyes. “Please tell me it was that damned ‘CFO of a COMpany’ remark that won the game,” he whispered.

This taught us that we were not smooth. Apparently, ALL of the professors were very aware of our little passtime, and were filled with delight every time someone managed to pull off a bingo in their class. Over the year, bingo was called in numerous ways, but my favorite came from my friend Dan, who plaintively informed our contracts teacher that he'd "bingo-ing to the library looking for books about the UCC, but they were all checked out."

We had other games, too, including Word Of The Day. This involved a mass email every morning; the email contained one word that section members were encouraged to use in the event that they were called on to speak in class. Using the word earned you street cred and the respect of your classmates; failure to use the word resulted in public shaming. Some of the words chosen for this experiment included:

Pomp;
Obtuse;
Boil;
Castanets; and
Hemorrhoid.

This led to many fascinating answers.

"An interpleader action is like an STD," one brave classmate once offered, before losing the will to continue. Our ancient civ pro teacher just shook his head in disgust.

But as silly as they sound, the games served an important purpose. They reminded us that law school really isn't that bad. That you have to laugh at yourself, and that even the most terrifying contracts teacher cannot, in fact, kill you and grind your bones into a fine powder. It really is going to be okay. Really.

So...no. I didn't hate law school. It wasn't exactly a party in my pants every day, but we all survived. Everyone I knew graduated; everyone passed the bar, and is now doing what they want. It's not easy, but it's worth it, even if it costs you your soul. Sure, you'll be embarrassed at some point, but so will everyone else. You can't take it seriously, so you might as well embrace the embarrassment, announce that the contracts homework gave you a hemorrhoid, and call it a day.

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

74 Comments

What? I'm the first commentator on this one? What is the world coming to.

I really just wanted to say thank you very much for clearing up my burning question on "Why did Doxie want to go to law school to begin with?" I was imagining (with a horrified expression on my face) it had something to do with big shoulder pads and Deborah Winger, but I'm so relieved to find that you are just human, and are as afraid of real life as the rest of us.

Posted by: Karen | November 18, 2005 01:22 PM

OMG!!! I laughed soooo hard at the concept of Asshole Bingo! Thanks for the great giggles as usual.

Posted by: Heather | November 18, 2005 01:43 PM

heheh. In my first year of grad school we would place bets on 1. the time at which overly eager "question girl" would ask her first annoying question and 2. the total number of questions she would ask. This was in a graduate biology lecture where NOONE asked questions. When she spoke you could see the entire last row of us in the lecture hall look down at our watches, then groan. Except for my friend Aaron, who won every time. Bastard. Med students play bingo too, I think.

Posted by: Amy | November 18, 2005 01:54 PM

Oh my god, I am in the middle of my FOURTH YEAR (I go at night), with one semester left to go, and I am JUST NOW finding out about Asshole Bingo?! Oh well.

Excellent post, thanks Doxie!

Posted by: bee | November 18, 2005 02:10 PM

Oh MY GOD.

In my MBA program we played "Bylinski (name of prof) Bingo" with his random cold calls. If you got bingo, you had to raise your hand, be called on by the professor, and say, "The phrase that pays" (which rotated) as part of your commentary. "The phrase that pays" tended to be something like "Wild Thing" (to which your classmates would reply, "...you make my heart sing.")

I should note that this was a management accounting class, where we were studying scintillating things like inventory accounting.

Posted by: Ellen | November 18, 2005 02:49 PM

Well, I've sent my email. Hop to it, Dukay! I love a great how we met story!

Posted by: lerberson | November 18, 2005 03:06 PM

I can't believe I've never heard of Asshole Bingo!

I want my college money back. They didn't educate me properly.

Posted by: Psuche | November 18, 2005 03:07 PM

This is brilliant! I'm going to pass it around to my friends at law school. Our memo is due next week and exams are right around the corner, so we could use some funny right now.

Posted by: Sarah | November 18, 2005 03:22 PM

I hated law school...hated it with the white-hot heat of 1,000 suns. And yet? Now that I've found out about Asshole Bingo? I almost want to go back just so I can play. Almost. But not quite. Because did I mention how much I hated law school?

Hilarious post, Doxie!

Posted by: Heather | November 18, 2005 03:25 PM

Doxie, once again you kill me. I'm sitting here at my dining room table reading your post while eating lunch with my 3-year-old. When I came upon the concept of "Asshole Bingo" (which, alas, I never heard about in all my years of college and grad school!) I was laughing so hard he looked at me and said, "What, mommy? What?" Of course I couldn't possibly explain it to him but he laughed nearly as hard as i did, simply in reaction to my own laughter.

And I just wanted to say one other thing: Whenever I think of "Miss Doxie" I get the phrase "It's Janet — Miss Doxie if you're nasty" stuck in my head. You go, girl. I'm off to send my email for Dukay now.

Posted by: Jen | November 18, 2005 03:31 PM

I'm so glad I'm the only one in my office right now, b/c I just laughed so hard at Asshole Bingo and your professor's response.

Posted by: nic | November 18, 2005 04:06 PM

Reading this in the middle of the night is not a good idea at all. I ended up laughing hysterically and trying to stifle it led to mad, breathless giggling. Damn, even just recalling it now is setting me off. Thanks Doxie!

Posted by: TKY | November 18, 2005 04:29 PM

Oh, my goodness. I have NEVER laughed so hard at a journal entry. Also, I think high school would be vastly improved by some Asshole Bingo. This is an excellent idea...

Posted by: Porter | November 18, 2005 04:36 PM

Oh My GOD. If I had known about Asshole Bingo, I could have stayed awake through constitutional law. That totally cracks me up. The sad thing is, after law school's over - you have to practice with these sad individuals. You know if you ever get stuck across the table from CFO woman she'll be all, "well, as God's lawyer...."

Posted by: Lyn | November 18, 2005 04:37 PM

Crap, Doxie, you make me want to go to law school just so I can play Asshole Bingo.

Hi-larious.

Posted by: lissa | November 18, 2005 04:42 PM

So, asshole bingo is definitely the funniest thing I've heard today! :D Thanks for the several LOLs.

Posted by: Heather | November 18, 2005 04:42 PM

"Tromp" is totally a word! I just checked. And I'm about to start modifying Asshole Bingo for the office environment; it could definitely work.

Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | November 18, 2005 04:44 PM

OMG Loved the asshole bingo and your relative smoothness in announcing your win in class! You rock, Miss Doxie! Will send nagging e-mail for Dukay later! LOL

Posted by: Ivie | November 18, 2005 04:53 PM

OMG. that was too funny! asshole bingo indeed. there should be some form of that game in everyday life!

Posted by: minnie | November 18, 2005 04:59 PM

Miss Doxie... you are the princess of the internets. I bow before you in all of your comical splendor.

Posted by: Eulallia | November 18, 2005 05:08 PM

Love you! We played a different BINGO game. four people, four extremities. 8 hour long concrete & geophysics (starting at 7:00 EVERY saturday morning) where we watched each other weld/saw/drill/slice our parts off. Yes, Doxie, I was in the only lady in that class too!

Posted by: lisame | November 18, 2005 05:10 PM

funny funny! laughed so hard I woke my son up from his nap...bad mama :-)

Posted by: lindsay | November 18, 2005 05:13 PM

Asshole Bingo is the greatest thing I've ever heard. I've never been to law school, but I have played Word of the Day in my undergrad comp sci class. Good times.

Posted by: SuMMer | November 18, 2005 05:19 PM

In a previous life as a server, we always played the phrase game. You'd have to use stuff like "Oh, get the prime rib if you are so humngry you could eat a BALLROOM DANCING HIPPOTAMUS"...good to know I have the chance to be the reigning champ again next year. Oh, and thank you so for the story, it's nice to hear that I shouldn't be so terrified...and girly, all those activities, my lord, you must have been smokin' those cigarettes!

Posted by: jes | November 18, 2005 05:37 PM

:::can't breathe:::

:::wiping eyes:::

(and now my husband thinks I'm even more pathetically nerdy than he did before, which is saying something, because when he asked what I was laughing at, I said it was a post about law school.)

thank you.

Posted by: kristine | November 18, 2005 06:28 PM

This makes me much less afraid of law school than I was 10 minutes ago. Now I am looking forward to it just so that I can play Asshole Bingo. Before today, the wine was my number one reason to go to law school, but I'm afraid the wine has been demoted.

Posted by: Megan | November 18, 2005 06:29 PM

I sent off my nagging email...possibly a bit too threatening? Sorry about the f word. Sleep deprived from going to see Harry Potter at midnight last night and them coming to work today. Zzzzzzz. Clearly need wine. Wine will help.

The good news for everyone busy selling their soul to corporate evil: there is a bingo for you. Bullshit bingo, created for those long useless meetings in which the already soulless vie for the opportunity to say things like "leverage" and "operational excellence." You carry the list of these words around in your head without knowing it--I promise you! Just slap 'em on a grid, make some copies, and head to that 3-hour meeting! (Of course, to win, the lucky player has to shout "BULLSHIT" in the middle of the meeting. That goes without saying, right?)

Looking forward to you completing all those assignments, miss doxie!

Posted by: gina_am_i | November 18, 2005 07:21 PM

You just gave a 1L year the first laugh of her day.
Thanks.
Back to Civ Pro.

Posted by: Ash | November 18, 2005 07:38 PM

How did I make it through 3 years of law school not knowing about Asshole Bingo?

I had to sit through so, so many classes with "As a scientist" girl, "As a woman" girl, and "As the former CFO of a Fortune 500 company" girl and could have used that game. Of course, wondering why being a woman gave someone a different perspective on the rules of evidence or wondering what a former CEO was doing in the economics for dummies class was also amusing.

Posted by: Kate | November 18, 2005 08:25 PM

Hey, don't forget, "I went to med school" guy and "I also have an MBA" guy. And popped collar guy.

Posted by: kristine | November 18, 2005 08:41 PM

Ohhh my gosh Doxie Asshole Bingo is the best thing I have ever heard of. I love it, I need to incorporate it into my schooling experience, pronto.

Posted by: Erin | November 18, 2005 09:13 PM

Ha. Hated Civ Pro, did you? I have two words for you: INTERNATIONAL SHOE.

Asshole bingo is a brilliant concept. I could see adapting it for the So Cal freeways, where one column consists of vehicles typically piloted by assholes (red pickup truck, black BMW SUV, Corvette with flames on hood) and the other consists of typical asshole maneuvers (five-lane cut-across, driving while smoking cigarette AND applying makeup AND yacking on cell phone, left-hand turn from right-hand lane).

Posted by: Gretchen C. | November 18, 2005 09:44 PM

LOL Asshole Bingo
I laughted so hard I peed alittle

Posted by: Melissa | November 18, 2005 10:14 PM

Ah... the very best part about Asshole Bingo is that you had to announce it in class. I love that.

Posted by: Al | November 18, 2005 10:15 PM

Ahhh. Miss Doxie- how well you've captured my first two years of law school so far. You had me in fits of laugher through the whole entry.
Asshole Bingo is quite possibly my favorite past time. Though, we call them the "Frequent Flyers." I seem to win quite frequently with the former navy captain who begins every statement with "It seems to me..." and lets her cellphone go off in class at least once a week.
We always throw $5 into a pot for our word of the day. We pick a list of words at the beginning of the week and if a day goes by without using one, it gets rotated to the end of the list. It just so happened that one week, we opened up the products liability section of our torts book with a series of asbestos cases, and our word of the day was "mesothelioma." My hand never shot up so fast in my life. That was the best $75 I've ever made.

Posted by: Amers | November 18, 2005 11:46 PM

Tromp is totally a word, one of my favorites. And did you ever play Asshole Bingo as a drinking game? Oh, yes, you have to drink (wine in a coffee thermos) every time you mark off a space.

Also, I felt my soul slipping away at Thanksgiving during my first year, when I called my brother an eggshell plaintiff.

Posted by: MeBeth | November 19, 2005 10:43 AM

Thanks Miss Doxie. That really lightened my mood. I'm prosecuting in State v. Burns on Monday for mock trial and maybe if I keep reminding myself of how much fun Bingo and other games can be, I'll get through it. And since I haven't shared it with anyone yet today, "Law School sucks!". Please keep the stories coming, believe it or not, your entries are the only thing that keep me sane.

Posted by: MJF | November 19, 2005 01:49 PM

The worst of the assholes in my section was a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD! Who somehow looked like she was 40. The class' hatred for her grew so bad that Asshole Bingo devolved into a drinking game at one point during second semester. At least having her in there put a face on Michael M. v. Superior Court of Sonoma County.

I can't believe you survived given all the extra-curriculars. And even found time to drink!

Posted by: jen | November 19, 2005 03:12 PM

I'm applying to law school RIGHT NOW just so I can get the chance to play Asshole Bingo.

Posted by: holley | November 19, 2005 09:51 PM

Okay, I showed your entry to a buddy of mine who is a lawyer (well, he's a lawyer back at home; here in Iraq he's just a "legal officer," since the Army loves us and our skills) and he e-mailed me this story:

"I had to say “Lesbionics” once in oral argument, and I DID!! Instead of 'Let’s be honest…' I ran the word together and said – 'Lesbionics…. Isn’t it true that….' The judge never knew, or at least never said anything, while the jury was laughing their asses off – they were in on the joke."

Posted by: Blue Meany | November 20, 2005 12:44 AM

Thank you. I used to feel bad about dropping out of law school before I could even begin my first semester.

Posted by: Jill | November 20, 2005 04:25 AM

This is the first time I've read your blog Doxie, on a tip from a dear friend who's heard me rant (and desparately try not to rant) about law school on more than one occasion. Thank you for the brilliant post. Learning the futility of the extracurricular dance this year (2L) has been a blast. Thankfully, I'm to the point of Not Caring... Wooooo!!

Posted by: Lynda | November 20, 2005 10:05 AM

Asshole Bingo? Sounds AMAZING. I almost (ALMOST) want to go to Law School strictly to play Asshole Bingo.

Posted by: Kate | November 20, 2005 01:10 PM

Thanks for the wonderful story about Law School, Doxie. I'm actually looking forward to my own journey through law school now - so much so that I am going to go study for finals now, so I can get this stupid bachelor's degree finished. :-)

Posted by: Jami Lynn | November 20, 2005 01:30 PM

My first year contracts prof told us on the first day of class that if caught us unprepared, he would "cut us off at the knees, so swiftly and painlessly, that we wouldn't realize it happened until we tried to walk out of the classroom and realized we only had bloody stumps down there."

3 years later, and I will never, ever, forget that phrase.

Posted by: L. | November 20, 2005 06:55 PM

LOVE Asshole Bingo. As a "recovering consultant", we played "BoardRoom Bingo". Same premise, but we used completely obnoxious consulting words like "synergy" and "process" and ohmyg-d i hate that shit.

And? Because we were SUPER geeky? Played it on our PalmPilots and emailed everyone when we won. And? slammed our hands on the table.

Posted by: Pammer | November 20, 2005 10:07 PM

Even as a grad student going into school counseling, we have those horrid people (we just have "... as a former counselor..." or "since I have been teaching FOR FIFTY YEARS..." or whatever). We may need to play Asshole Bingo as well. Thanks for a much-needed laugh (and a plan!)

Posted by: Tori | November 21, 2005 08:24 AM

You are an awesome story-teller. Thoroughly enjoyable. In grad school, we used to play word of the day with our professors, in an entirely good-natured way. Kind of like on Peewee's Playhouse. For example, the first time Dr. Powell said a particular word in class - "notion" comes to mind - we all had to scream. She loved it. They all had special pet words that they used over and over, another prof would say "terribly", and we would pick one and that - ta da! - would be the word of the day. Can you imagine teaching a classful of kids that you knew were probably going to scream in unision at some point? Kind of like your profs wondering what the hell oddball word would be woven into a sentence that day.

Posted by: laura | November 21, 2005 10:17 AM

That was SUCH a good read. I almost wish I'd gone to law school, just so I could've played Asshole Bingo!

Posted by: LadyBug | November 21, 2005 02:06 PM

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read!

Posted by: abelle | November 21, 2005 03:35 PM

I am shocked that this entry makes people want to go to law school. But you got it perfectly right. This is the pain of law school. I'm in my second year, just finished moot court, law journal article due next week. And then there's those pesky things called finals. Oh the pain. I miss my bed so much. Thanksgiving break, what?

Posted by: Megan | November 21, 2005 04:39 PM

I'm a third year law student (in a four year evening program, I also work full time in a BigLaw firm and am a mother of a 13 month old), sitting in my Admin. Law class right now. And trying not to giggle at Asshole Bingo - been there, played that. Although we didn't have to announce out loud, we would just email each other. :-)

There is a light at the end of the tunnel now, in the form of a good summer associate position. And knowing that I have only three semesters left. I feel like I've been in law school FOREVER, and it's coming to an end. (Cue the Hallelujah Chorus).

I get asked questions like that all the time, too, only mine are in the form of "how do you do it? How do you have a full-time job, a child, and do law school?"

Because if law school doesn't make you completely fucking insane, the working-baby-law school thing will. I promise.

Posted by: Peyton | November 21, 2005 07:18 PM

Doxie- you have out done yourself! I'm in my second year of law school, and I have done every single one of those things that you mentioned. Asshole Bingo is the best game ever. The scariest (and funniest) part is when we have to call bingo outloud. This has definitley made for some of the funniest moments in my law school career.

I have shared this entry with all of my law school friends. It took everything they had not to bust up laughing in the middle of class. Well done, Doxie. Well done.

Posted by: Amy | November 21, 2005 07:58 PM

While we had no Asshole Bingo (and I really, really wish that we did), your summary of law school from first year caring deeply to loosing your soul to not caring AT ALL about anything in third year and getting your best grades ever, sums up my law school experience exactly. Of course, Asshole Bingo clearly would have made the whole thing much funnier.

Posted by: Uli | November 21, 2005 08:59 PM

Hee hee hee...we called it Gunner Bingo at my law school. But I totally recognize it, and it cracked me the hell up!

Posted by: Annie G. | November 21, 2005 09:23 PM

The phrase "bingo-ing to the library" made me laugh until I heaved. And then I began to snicker.

Posted by: bonkrood | November 22, 2005 02:39 AM

funny that you should mention the socratic method... because I? am reading this post as procrastination to writing about the socratic method! ah, can't get away from it! thanks for reminding me of what i should actually be doing right now...
ok, now i'll get back to procrastinating and read the rest of your post.

Posted by: Catharina | November 22, 2005 05:41 AM

Hi. My name is Daffy and I am a recovering Asshole. I was that woman! "As a nontraditional student," was my line. Anyone recognize it? I am abjectly apologetic and totally in recovery. I'm at the place in my recovery program where you have to ask everybody in the world you've ever offended to forgive you. Thank God for the internet, because that's everyone who went to school with me. So will y'all? Forgive me? Thank you, Doxie, for the great website. I've recommended it to others in the legal profession and we all read it and ROFLOAO. Always and still a multi-tasker, "Dukay! Write your how we met post!"

Posted by: daffythedachshund | November 22, 2005 08:54 AM

OMG that was so funny! Didn't do the Asshole Bingo in law school - but recognize the assholes! And working in a law firm - well - BS bingo gets played sometimes to great fun!!

Posted by: Susan | November 22, 2005 01:23 PM

I wish there was a way to play asshole bingo in the work place.. I might have to compromise and just play word of the day.. dammit! What a great post!

Posted by: Angel | November 22, 2005 02:52 PM

I am also reminded of the reaction of a lawyer friend of mine when I told him I was going to law school. He looked at me very hard and finally said "Why don't you do something USEFUL with your life, instead?"

Posted by: Gretchen C. | November 22, 2005 04:28 PM

OMG! Hillarious! I enjoyed this sooo much, being a 1L myself.

Posted by: Josh | November 22, 2005 07:19 PM

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by: Radiantsky | November 23, 2005 07:40 PM

Ahhhh yes...there is a version of Asshole Bingo played in the retail business with customers.

Black Friday is double jackpot. Er-hem.

And yes...law school plus baby plus full-time job...pass the Risperdal.

Posted by: jozet | November 24, 2005 10:23 PM

That post was so long, I just scrolled to the end to see if it ever stopped. By the way, Hi!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | November 26, 2005 01:13 PM

I should be writing my law school term paper and instead I am laughing out loud at this post. All so true. I am enjoying the "Not Caring" stage while terrified of its repercussions in a few weeks when the semster's over.

Posted by: Procrastinator | December 1, 2005 05:40 AM

I may just have to institute ass hole bingo @ med school :)

Posted by: emily | December 1, 2005 04:16 PM

Very sweet. But isn't it "gunner bingo"???

Posted by: Bart Motes | December 1, 2005 11:12 PM

^ BINGO!

Posted by: Publius | December 2, 2005 03:00 PM

you had 69 posts, which i thought was totally appropriate... but fuck it, i'm ruining that now...

i LOVE asshole bingo - that's awesome. i'm currently in grad school part-time for international affairs... but for us it's always the same question (voiced every 5min by another student): how can we be more culturally/racially/locally/genderly/specially sensitive every waking minute of the day? (and is it possible to be more so when we are sleeping?)

tho admittedly, i'd prob have made the board as well... by being that girl who obnoxiously says whatever comes into her head. we are what we are...

Posted by: Ali G | December 4, 2005 12:10 AM

I am late to this post, but it brought back too many memories for me (I remember all to well our self important booze induced comments- 'that was a tort')

We also played a version of asshole bingo, but much more rudimentary ( I think I must be ALOT older than you).

Great post.

Posted by: Diane | December 8, 2005 02:59 PM

Miss Doxie!! Today I saw somebody wearing a UGA Law School shirt that had a bingo card on the back! I very nearly asked her if I could take a picture of her shirt, but I thought that might seem weird. A little.

Posted by: msmack | December 11, 2005 02:54 PM

Hehe, I'd love to play asshole bingo in my classes. But I think the biggest asshole is my legal ethics professor, so i guess if i play that game in his class it would constitute violating of rule fucking 1.0 of the selected standards.

Posted by: Marshall | December 13, 2005 08:32 PM

You're a fucking genius.

Posted by: Melanie | January 20, 2006 07:44 PM

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