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Oh, I'm Just High On LIFE

October 04, 2005

Uh, HI. Something had to happen to rid us all of the White Page of Website Emptiness and Sorrow, and seeing as I am the only one who can actually do anything about that, I figured I'd better step to the plate and all the rest. So, hello! I HAVE NOTHING INTERESTING TO SAY.

I really don't. It is sad. Basically, the gist of it is as follows, in list form:

1. This website is, apparently, very ill. See the comments thing? See how it says zero even though it is probably lying to us all? Yeah. Well, this seems to be the first step in a path towards Total Death, and other odd things are happening, as well. Like old entries reopening themselves and getting filled with forty-two thousand spam comments offering everything from Jessica Simpson lyrics to Exxxtra HARD VIAG-ARA FOR THE LADIES. I spent AN HOUR of my life, time that could have been spent drinking or shopping or kissing, deleting those stupid comments. My website is haunted.

Miss Pretty AB is having to redo the whole site, because the problem is serious, and when she started talking about it, I just put my hands over my ears and wailed, because I do not understand anything about my website. I understand nothing at all about my website. I know that I write on it, and then I say the magic words and do a little dance to the mystic gods of the Smart Box, and then my words are broadcast out over the land and take up residence in your brains. And for that, Y'ALL, I AM SORRY. Sometimes my words are really, really dumb, and now you're stuck with them in your brain cells. An example of words that are dumb would include, oh, I don't know, possibly THESE WORDS THAT YOU ARE READING RIGHT NOW. These words are totally dumb, but I can't fully be blamed, because of thing number two, which is:

2. I poisoned myself with spaghetti. Because I am a total asshole. Please allow me to explain.

See, last year, my doctor told me that I am allergic to beef, to which I said, "...?" And then I promptly ignored him completely, and really very little has happened on that front. Except for sometimes, beef gets me, and it turns my body inside out in the style of reversible loungewear, and this is what my own fucking spaghetti did to me. So I had to stay home and be sick yesterday, and now I am on kind of an interesting mix of prescribed pharmaceutical products plus coffee, and I am not thinking...uh, clearly. Not so clearly right now. I am kind of confused. For proof of my confusion, I offer you:

3. Thing number three. This really is neither here nor there, but remember when we were talking about brain cells a little while ago in earlier paragraphs that I typed? And also we talked about how sometimes stupid things (see: this entry) get all stuck in them? Well. That is about to be relevant, when I get done telling this long-ass story:

So, this weekend, Timmy and Dukay and I went to my parents' lakehouse to visit. And drink. And make important discoveries.

You may recall that the last time Dukay and Timmy and I went to my parents' lakehouse, we ended up in a long, laborious discussion about the career of Matthew Sweet, which somehow led to the discovery that the people who work at 411 do not have mouses on their computers. This time, the biggest discovery of the weekend turned out to be that Dukay, despite years of systematically destroying his brain cells (see? I can bring it all together), somehow has managed to retain the entire McDonald's rap song (circa 1987 or something) in his oversized noggin.

Now. Y'all! Do you remember that? I kind of did, but now that I have heard it, oh, SEVEN HUNDRED TIMES, I can recall it specifically. It is as follows:

I'd like a Big Mac,
McBLT,
A Quarter-Pounder with some cheese,
Filet-O-Fish,
A Hamburger,
A Cheeseburger,
A Happy Meal.

Mc Nuggets,
Tasty Golden French Fries,
Regular or Larger Size,
And Salads: Chef or Garden,
Or a Chicken Salad Oriental.

Big Big Breakfast,
Egg McMuffin,
Hot Hot Cakes,
and Sausage.

Maybe Biscuits,
Bacon, Egg and Cheese,
A Sausage,
Danish,
Hash Browns too.

And for Dessert
Hot Apple Pies,
And Sundaes
three varieties,
A Soft-Serve Cone,
Three kinds of shakes,
And Chocolatey Chip Cookies.

And to drink a Coca-Cola,
Diet Coke, and Orange Drink,
A Sprite and Coffee, Decaf too,
A lowfat milk, also an Orange Juice.

I love McDonalds.
Good Time Great Taste,
and I get this all at one place.

And...I don't know. LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS! First, I have lots of questions. Like, why come did they say "Hot Apple Pies" and try to rhyme that with "varieties"? Those words only rhyme if you pronounce varieties as variet-EYES, but that is about fourteen levels of wrong.

And what makes the chocolatey chip cookies so...chocolatey? Why can't they just be chocolate chip cookies? Because they really didn't need that extra syllable there.

Such questions kept us occupied for literally tens of minutes! I am telling you. TENS. Of minutes.

But anyway. So at some point, it was determined that Dukay possessed this, uh...knowledge, which entertained Timmy and me to no end, so at about two in the morning, we decided that KNOW WHAT A GOOD PLAN WOULD BE? To call people we knew and leave them the entire McDonald's menu on their voicemails. In rap form. Sorry, Ziz!

And, that is how brain cells and a twenty-eight year old attorney making prank calls sort of come together in one story. A story that, upon rereading, does not even make any sense. People, I am absolutely high right now. CAN YOU TELL?

Which brings us to thing number four:

4. This weekend, when we were not singing the McDonald's song, I began to compile a list of Things I Will Never Be Able To Do. But, because this whole entry is already a list, and it is weird to have another list inside of a list AND OH TOO MANY LISTS, and my brain might just pop from all the listiness, I am just going to bullet some of the finer points. I hereby resign myself to the fact that I will never, ever be able to:

- Fold a fitted sheet;

- Drive a car with a manual transmission (I have TRIED, LORD HAVE I TRIED);

- Cut my dogs' fingernails;

- Update a website with any degree of regularity (maybe you noticed this);

- Stop myself from gleefully watching movies with titles that rhyme with, I don't know, something like "Flirteen Going On Shirty";

- Prevent self from crying at same, because, magic dust! and happiness;

- Balance a checkbook, thanks to the life-giving invention known as the "debit card";

- String two coherent thoughts together when I am on any kind of drug whatsoever, including just Tylenol, because it takes NOTHING to get me looped, apparently; and

- Keep my cell phone charged.

And that is all. I mean, there were more, but I forget them now. Believe me, there's TONS of shit I can't do! "Make sense" comes to mind at the moment. "Speak and type coherently" is also occurring to me.

And...you know, that is all I have for you: the deluded, rambling rants of a woman on a variety of legal substances. There is no rhyme or reason. There is no theme here! This entry is the equivalent of a brain fart on crack, and I am just trying to make it through the day, dammit.

But it's better than the blank screen, I suppose. Still, with God as my witness, I promise you, internet, that I will NEVER EAT SPAGHETTI AGAIN.

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

33 Comments

Nested lists, nothing wrong with that. :)

Not sure this will get through but again, I totally enjoy your posts, coherent or not! :)

All the best!

And try to make spaghetti with pepperoni rather than beef. It will be better for you apparently. :)

Posted by: psichron | October 4, 2005 10:36 AM

glad you're back. wasn't digging the white page of emptiness. sorry to hear you are sick. the spaghetti was CLEARLY possessed!

i don't remember that mcd's song. just the:

two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, one. =)

Posted by: minnie | October 4, 2005 10:41 AM

Oh wow. I had no idea that ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD still remembered the McDonald's song. I think... I think I had it on a little record. And I was all fascinated because I had never had a record before and I got to see how my mom's record player worked. But the fact that I still have it memorized at age 26... maybe that has a lot to do with why I am fat? Hm. Something to think about. But, hey, I'm glad you're back... even if it had to take a beef allergy to get you here.

Posted by: Tori | October 4, 2005 11:20 AM

Not making sense, yet still funny. You are so many things, Miss Doxie.

Posted by: Polichick | October 4, 2005 11:26 AM

Wow. Am impressed. You are very lucid for someone so high.

By the way, ANYTHING is better than the White Page of Website Emptiness and Sorrow.

And also, you are my hero (ine).

Posted by: Lori | October 4, 2005 11:50 AM

cutting the dogs fingernails
is what got me rolling... toe nails, finger nails....

pass the nyquil Miss. Doxie I want some too.....

Never hear the Micky dees menu in a song, must be american (canadian born)but I do know the two all beef pattys one...

and repeat after me nothing good can come from a plate of over watered worms (spagetti) in a red bloody sauce (sauce) the only good thing about a meal like that is the tons of wine it takes to get it down, so put down the fork next time and pick up the glass.

Oh and I think I just finished the nyquill, do you want the empty bottle?

Jen

Posted by: jennifer | October 4, 2005 11:54 AM

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but you can take comfort in the fact that you're still damn funny.

Posted by: TB | October 4, 2005 12:09 PM

funny funny, and good luck with all fixing of the site. you make me laugh :-)

Posted by: lindsay | October 4, 2005 12:30 PM

Girl.. I hear you. I was high all last weekend. Had this nuclear cold that wouldn't go away and bought some cough syrup that tasted like ass in BC. I took it for 2 days and couldn't figure out why I just wasn't tired.. was still plenty sick, but wide awake, tho not jittery. Finally - Sunday I look at my pupils.. oh yeah.. fully dilated and feeling a bit sketchy from sleep deprivation by that point. Sick sucks.

But we all have things we can't do.. you, however, can still make us laugh.. and I know we all appreciate that! Hope you start to feel better soon!

Posted by: Angel | October 4, 2005 01:00 PM

I would like to heartily suggest eating chicken spaghetti. It's better! Especially if you use Louis Rich precooked Italian chicken breast meat. That is what my mommy used at least, and it is good.

Posted by: Erin | October 4, 2005 01:05 PM

I'm so glad you're not dead or anything freaky like that. I think I got food poisoning or something last weekend at at BBQ, but on the plus side, I got to have the cute host take care of me...lay me down on his bed, help me to my car, lend me a big fuzzy blanket that probably made me look like a wooly mammoth on steroids...heh.

Posted by: Heather | October 4, 2005 01:07 PM

"Hot Apple Peas" would rhyme with "Three Varieties", but that would just be wrong...

Posted by: IV:XX | October 4, 2005 01:29 PM

Oh! I know why "chocolatey"! It is because there is some sort of law, I don't know, a Federal law probably, that prevents them from saying "chocolate" in the name of a product which in fact contains no actual chocolate. It's the same reason why certain products claim to have "creme" filling (no cream) or California rolls contain "krab" (no crab). (Although I wish they would call them Crabby Rolls, because that would be sort of cute.)

No one can fold fitted sheets except for people's mothers. I always thought that when I became a mother I would magically become able to fold them, but I was wrong. My freshly washed fitted sheets always look like they spent the night under a homeless person's ass.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | October 4, 2005 01:50 PM

I dunno about the not eating the spaghetti ever, ever again. I mean, I have sworn at least 5 times in the last couple years to never, ever touch the draft Killians ever again, and begged my husband to not ALLOW me to touch the draft Killians again, but you know...when you're at the bowling alley/pool/place where they have a bar that's charging $7.50 for the mixed drink...suddenly the urge for a pitcher of Killians is just unbearable. And I buy it. And I pay...oh, do I pay. But y'know, I just can't see avoiding beef for the rest of my life - I would see a French Dip commercial and break down. So hopefully, you have more willpower than I do, and can go to buy shoes or something when you're feeling an urge for beef. Or eat hot apple peas.

Posted by: karenthebaron | October 4, 2005 01:52 PM

If I give you my phone number, will you rap the McDonald's song on my answering machine? I'd like to use it as my welcoming message when people call. Wouldn't that be awesome?! No more telemarketers. EVER.

PS Even when you don't say anything, you say it well.

Posted by: Shano | October 4, 2005 02:36 PM

vegetarian spaghetti. that's all i'm saying.

Posted by: honestyrain | October 4, 2005 02:40 PM


 How to fold a fitted sheet perfectly everytime

Hold the sheet inside out, by its two adjacent corners on one of the shorter ends. Position your hands inside each of these two corners.

Fold the corner in your right hand over to the corner in your left, enveloping it. With your right hand, pick up the corner that is hanging down in front and fold it over the two corners in your left hand.

Pick up the last corner and fold it over the other three corners. The sheet should now be right side out.

Place your folded sheet on a table and straighten it, tucking in the elastic edges as you go.

Fold the sheet into a rectangle and then again until it is the size you require.

voila perfectly folded sheets..

more nyquill now please.

Jen

Posted by: jennifer | October 4, 2005 03:33 PM

I've missed you DOXIE! I was positively giddy with glee, no, dare I say, HIGH ON LIFE when I saw your bolded site pop up on bloglines.com.

Posted by: Jillian | October 4, 2005 04:33 PM

I remember the song that lists all the components of a Big Mac, but had forgotten the menu rap until just now. Say, Am I the only one that's noticed that there's now one slice of cheese on a Big Mac (at least in Canada) when I could swear there used to be two?

Posted by: Shawna | October 4, 2005 05:06 PM

folding fitted sheets , is all kinds of unnatural.
Try tuna spaghetti, the canned sort, with additional anchovies if you like, and puttanesca sauce. Hope you feel better soon!

Posted by: fifi | October 4, 2005 05:59 PM

I hear that if you stop feeding your dogs beef, sometimes they will stop growing fingers.

Posted by: Mir | October 4, 2005 06:34 PM

I see several have already offered alternative ways to make spaghetti, sans beef, so I won't continue that.

I will, however, share with you a portion of MY list of things I will never be able to do:

"Write a post about absolutely nothing and have it be 1/100th bit as interesting as Miss Doxie's posts."

Sigh...those that can, write, those that can't, read and try hard not to seethe with jealousy.

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf | October 4, 2005 10:08 PM

Well, I know someone who would pronounce it variet-EYES -- Cartman! He'd pronounce it just like he does authori-TEYE! Cartman kills me.

Posted by: Jessica | October 4, 2005 10:41 PM

Does anyone else see the irony in McDonald's, which sells, basically, big fat blobs of grease in various configurations, selling DIET Coke and LOW FAT milk? I mean, really. It would seem more appropriate for them to sell half-and-half or something...

And to add to what Gretchen said about creme and krab, I would like to point out that Frostys--those chocolatey (*snicker*) "frozen dairy desserts" do not have enough dairy products in them to qualify as "milkshakes." Just thought you should know.

PS It's not what you say, it's how you say it. I would probably laugh at a Doxie grocery list.

Posted by: The Other Hannah | October 4, 2005 11:25 PM

Ok, your web site is full of hate, it just ate my last comment.

Italian turkey sausage, ground turkey, onions, Italian bread crumbs and eggs make the best meatballs ever. I have witnesses. (Beef is evil, I know, I lived in Texas.)

My mom knows how to fold fitted sheets. Yeah, she does and she'd teach you.........only draw back is YOU'D TURN INTO MY MOTHER! Wad them up and toss them in the bottom of the linen closet, that's the advice I live by.

HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER! Best wishes from OREGON!

Posted by: paganmonster | October 4, 2005 11:50 PM

it's good, goldurnit!

Posted by: chuck | October 5, 2005 02:50 AM

Once at a party we'd drunk a little wine and decided that it'd be fun to call a friend and leave a mysterious voicemail. The selected word was "Horses" and the recipient (damn *69, anyway) said hearing that word echo in the darkness was scary.

If I give you a list of numbers, would you call 'em with Ronnie's rap next time you're drunk? Or high from Tylenol? Just some "friends" who need entertainment in the middle of the night.

Posted by: Mark | October 5, 2005 06:38 AM

Wow. I am starting to see a business opportunity here, sort of like singing telegrams, except it's Doxie, Dukay and Timmy on your phone with the McDonald's rap. Think, you could give up this law thing altogether. We all want to.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | October 5, 2005 07:26 AM

YEA! You're back. I was going to spontaneously combust if I checked your site ONE MORE DAY and you were projecting the Blank White Screen of Death (or whatever you called it).

Oh, and I know all the lyrics to We Didn't Start the Fire...is that as lame? I don't know.

Posted by: Peyton | October 5, 2005 07:38 AM

Gretchen: great idea! I'd pay! Not much, but some.

Posted by: Mark | October 5, 2005 07:55 AM

I have 2 comments on your hilarious(as always) post:
1) my grandmother showed me at a very young age how to fold a fitted sheet, and it took me until last year to finally get it perfect (possibly because I go to massage therapy school, and am constantly folding linens for my table). The trick is, you have to fold it in 1/2 and then pocket the little corners together. Good times.
2) what is this "checkbook balancing" you speak of? I love my debit card. It's the greatest invention ever. I will name future children afte rit, because there is no way I will ever figure out how to balance, no matter how many degrees I get.

Posted by: SuMMer | October 5, 2005 03:50 PM

Oh, Miss Doxie. I was feeling so listless until I read your lovely entry!


HA!!! Did you catch my pun? Did you???

Posted by: Lori (not the one who has commented already--aargh!!) | October 9, 2005 10:01 PM

Hopefully my blog will not be infected with your blog's comment dysfunctionality due to my leaving a comment.

Posted by: ManNMotion | October 13, 2005 12:08 PM

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