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Honestly, The Things I Do To Have Something To Write About

October 05, 2005

Hi! I'm back! Almost immediately!

I know that you can't miss me if I don't go away, and the site is still brokey and the comments counter still not working, but this has been an...interesting morning, WHAT WITH ME GOING TO THE HOSPITAL AND ALL, and now that I am sitting on the sofa, taking my second sick day of the week, I figured: what the hell. I might as well write about it, seeing as I'm feeling pretty fucking sorry for myself at the moment. Y'all can feel sorry for me, too! I'm very pitiful.

Whimper.

But, first, let's start with a warning! Gentle readers, if you are easily squicked out by descriptions of nasty lacerations and bloody bits, then this is not the entry for you. No! You can go read about soft bunnies, or people who put hats on cats, or whatever else causes fuzzy feelings. Feelings that do not involve BLOOD. EVERYWHERE. There is BLOOD in this entry, and I just barely survived the pasta on Sunday, and why is God testing me so?

Anyway. Besides blood, there is also backstory! See, apparently, Dukay and I should never ever ever go out to dinner with our friends Al and G, because dinner with Al and G and Dukay and I is cursed. I shall present evidence now:

LAST time Al and G and Dukay and I all went to dinner was about a month ago. And we had a lot of fun, and yay double date, etc. And the next day was a Saturday, and I was just about to take a much-deserved shower when the phone rang. And it was Dukay, and Dukay explained that G? Was in some sort of horrible accident, and you can SEE BONE, PEOPLE, and he knows nothing else except she is in the emergency room and Al just called and he is in South Carolina and everyone is FREAKING OUT and I have to get down there NOW.

So. I hopped into the car, and drove seven thousand miles per hour to the hospital, thinking that G was in a car accident, obviously, and that maybe she was missing limbs, and maybe I should be looking on the side of the road for, like, her LEG, so that I could toss it in the trunk and MAYBE THEY COULD STICK IT BACK ON, and I was KIND OF FREAKING OUT.

Dukay was supposed to be finding G's purse and her insurance card, and he kept calling me, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and I kept telling him to just wait until we find G's leg and get it...I don't know, NAILED back onto her stump, and just GIVE ME A MINUTE, MISTER, and there was much confusion and terror.

Eventually I got to the hospital, got totally turned around, ended up in the wrong unit about ninety times, and then finally made my way to emergency. I walked to the front desk and told them whom I was there to see, and a doctor IMMEDIATELY grabbed my arm and said, "Come with me, I know where she is," and all I could think was GOOD LORD, SHE IS A HEAD ON A PLATTER, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

And he took me back to her, and there she was, WITH ALL OF HER LIMBS, but with a massive cut in her arm from falling down a flight of stairs.

And I ran to her, and was so glad to see her that all I could do was sputter things like, "You're not just a head! I looked for your leg! But it's on your body! You have two of them! I am so glad!" and this helped matters not at all, but shortly we were both calmed down and laughing and everything was FINE. Until the doctor came in.

He immediately announced that G needed stitches, and turned to the nurse and NOT SO SUBTLY requested "the big needle."

G turned about six shades of white. And I was like, dude. Can't you, like...not freak her out? She's obviously freaked out. I don't care what you have to do. Ask for the "ig-bay eedle-nay," but LOOK AT WHAT WE HAVE HERE. A PANICKED BLEEDY PERSON. And you should stop scaring the bleedy girl.

I held G's hand while he did the stitches, and I blabbed on about totally unrelated shit for twenty minutes, with the doctor every once in a while popping into the conversation by announcing, "Know what she's doing? Distracting you. She's good at it!" Thanks, Doc!

But while she was getting stitched, I COULD NOT STOP WATCHING the stitchy part. I had never seen such a thing. First there was all blood and gore and oozy bits, and then there was a straight line of stitches. Just like on Frankenstein.

And I made up my mind right then that I? WOULD NEVER GET STITCHES. Give me a helmet, put me in a fucking bubble, whatever, but I AM NOT GETTING STITCHES, because they are TOTALLY GROSS and look EVER SO PAINFUL and listen, I'm not having it.

Know what I say to the "me" of last month? HAAAAA! That is what I say.

Because, last night, for the first time since that fateful evening, Al and G and Dukay and I went out to dinner. And again: wonderful time! Excellent friends and excellent food, and oh, the fun and goodness. And Dukay and I came home, and we went to bed, and he woke me up with little kisses this morning and I thought, shit, man, this is going to be a good day.

I walked him out, and a few minutes later, I went to shut the door leading to the garage. And I was barefoot at the time. I plan to never be barefoot again, even when showering or sleeping, and this is why:

As I was pulling the door shut, I somehow managed to run the door over the toes on my right foot, thereby smooshing them to within an inch of their little toe lives. And that hurt. But the real problem was that the metal thing? That is attached to the floor and goes under the door? Which I guess is a door jamb, or something, but WHATEVER, it is fucking SHARP, SHARP LIKE RAZOR, and it sliced off the pad of my toe.

I did not immediately know that, because I was too busy screaming OH MY FUCK as the dogs cowered in terror. And then I do what you always do with a toe injury, which is:

(1) Not look at it; and

(2) Attempt to walk it off.

And I had done about ten laps around the kitchen island, thinking that this was just the worst stubbed toe, like, EVER, when I finally looked down and saw that I had left bloody footprints all over the kitchen. And this is when I LOST IT COMPLETELY.

I ran upstairs and turned on the bathwater and stuck my foot under the stream, and that is when I saw that MY TOE was essentially CUT IN TWO, with half of the toe-ness just...flapping there. And I screamed bloody murder, and grabbed a phone, and called: Dukay. Of course. Because of his extensive medical knowledge, seeing as the man SELLS ADVERTISING for a living and all.

Poor Dukay answered and was treated to a hysterical me, shrieking things like, "MY TOE I CUT OFF MY TOE OW OW OW," and when he tried to get me to explain this in a manner that was, you know, remotely coherent, I just kept on saying things like, "THIS little piggy is still attached, but THAT OTHER little piggy IS STILL IN THE FUCKING GARAGE OH MY GOD, and I TRIED WALKING IT OFF but I think I walked WRONG and AHHHHHHH"

He explained that I needed to keep it under the water and then to put pressure on it and to get it over my heart, which is...y'all, that is hard when you're dealing with a toe. I ended up laying on my bed with my legs stuck in the air, FREAKING OUT and watching as blood ran down my leg, and that is when I knew I would need to call A Professional, and so I called my mother.

(Somewhere in here I also called the office to tell them I would not be coming in today, as I had lost a toe in a nasty garage incident, and I think my lovely description of the flapping and the bloodshed pretty much convinced everyone that NO, the office is NOT the place for you, please never mention your toe again, ever, in any context.)

Mom immediately announced that she was taking me to the ER, and for me to put on some flip-flops or whatever and she'd be right there. While I waited for her, these are some of the actual thoughts that ran through my head:

(1) I wonder if I should go back and look for bits of toe and put them on ice;

(2) I wonder if the dogs have already eaten the bits of toe; and

(3) I wonder if the Medical Professionals who are about to see my toes will mind that I have not had a pedicure in ROUGHLY ELEVEN BILLION YEARS, and is there time for me to like...file? Buff? ANYTHING?

The hysterical thought-train that was my brain was eventually halted when my mom got to my house. She staunchly refused to even glance in the direction of my feet, because...ew, but she took me to the emergency place. And there, the doctor DID look at my feet, and was completely squicked out.

"Ew," he said.

"OW," I agreed. "Unless you are talking about my pedicure. I'M SORRY! THERE WASN'T TIME TO BUFF."

He cleaned the wound (OW OW OW) and then tried to figure out how to best stitch it, but in the end he decided that it was just too weird of a cut, and so instead he just used those glue-stitchy things and wrapped the sucker up like a little piggy in a blanket, and I was free to hobble on home. After, you know, I got a tetanus shot so I don't get the lockjaw. Because THAT sounds like fun! Lockjaw!

And...here I am. Back on the sofa, feeling IMMENSELY sorry for my bloody self. And thinking that I will never, EVER have dinner with Al and G again, because WHY COME does a girl always have to go the hospital the next day? People, do you SEE the pattern here? Is it not scary to you? It is scary to me! Next time, someone could lose an eye.

(Not that it would be any more painful than losing a toe. Which fucking hurts, if I have not mentioned. And I don't know what you've heard, but if you have heard that I am a wimp, that is entirely accurate.)

Anyway. Y'all watch out for damned doors. And for the LOVE of all that is HOLY, don't go ANYwhere with Al and G.

P.S.: Whimper.

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

62 Comments

Poor Doxie! Take lots of naps and watch lots of trash TV. That's the best known cure for toe near-amputations. *hugs*

Posted by: Cathy | October 5, 2005 01:50 PM

I'm amazed that you managed to get in and out of the emergency room in a decent amount of time! I was taken to the ER when I started acting all kooky at work one day and couldn't see straight and couldn't remember my boss's name, and it took EIGHT HOURS to be seen, even though my husband went up to the desk and confirmed with one of the doctors that it was entirely possible I was having a stroke.

"Yes, it most definitely could be a stroke," the receptionist lady told my husband.

So then they let me sit there for another FOUR HOURS. Thank God it was only a migraine. I'd just never had one before. Next time I'll at least know its not a stroke.

Anyways, glad you're ok! You didn't stain any of your furniture with blood, did you? That's just as traumatic as stitches!

Posted by: Emily | October 5, 2005 01:51 PM

Poor doxie. Feel better soon! Thank goodness you didn't lose any major toe pieces. Because if your dogs are anything like mine they would've snatched it up and waited for you to chase them with it in a superfun game of "NooOOoo don't eat that!" We play that game alot here. Only, it's not so much a game as a threat. And not so much with toe bits as with random household objects.

Posted by: RadiantSky | October 5, 2005 02:36 PM

Oh, poor, poor Miss Doxie!

I am delurking here to say how sorry I am that you are injured, and how guilty I feel for falling out of my chair laughing at your predicament. Only you can make such an obviously painful situation SO funny.

My sweet little boy crushed the tiny, tiny, tip of his index finger this summer and received EIGHT stitches, and no, I could not look away either. That is, until the stitches were done and he didn't need me for distraction anymore, and I promptly passed out.

I also once crushed several toes in a door (an incident, which weirdly enough, also included a dachsund!) and can literally feel your pain (especially on rainy days). Get plenty of rest, make Dukay wait on you hand and (ha!) foot, and write us some more if you get bored.

And whimper as much as you need to!

Posted by: Andrea | October 5, 2005 02:54 PM

::shudders::

I will definitely be taking your advice and will be sure to never ever go NEAR anyone named Al or G. I've never had anything happen to me (no stitches, broken bones, NOTHING!!!) so far. *knock on wood*

Feel better soon Doxie!!! :) :)

Posted by: Foxy | October 5, 2005 03:02 PM

Ow, I am so sorry.

As I was reading, I was doing the laughing and sympathy face at the same time. I am sorry you are in pain and you decapitated your toe but you are such an artist with words that I can't help but laugh at your descriptions!

Be safe and avoid Al and G!

Posted by: psichron | October 5, 2005 03:49 PM

Oh Doxie, NEVER exclaim that it is going to be a good day, either out loud or in your head, because that is when bad, bad things happen! I know this from experience! I hope your toes feel better soon and I also hope they sent you home with a lot of good pain pills.

Posted by: Jen | October 5, 2005 04:31 PM

oh God, Doxie--you are the only person more accident prone than I! Here I was feeling all sorry for myself for falling down on the bus today and banging up my knee and denting the band of my engagement ring (the engagement ring hurt more), and there's poor, toeless Doxie, toughing it out even though the doggies (Bo!) probably ate her toe already... Good Lord, girl! Hope you feel better soon! (Did they give you any good pain pills? Have fun with those!)

Posted by: Kathryn | October 5, 2005 04:46 PM

Hi Miss Doxie, I'm so sorry about your poor little toe. Hope it heals nicely and soon. I once cut my index finger when using an Xacto knife and yeah, stiches, not that fun. Your postings however, always fun and hillarious.

Posted by: azita | October 5, 2005 05:28 PM

OUCH! My sorry hurts for you. I just want to know why mothers spend so much time harping about clean underwear *incaseofanaccident* and spend ZERO time stressing the high importance of a pedicure for moments like this.

Get better sooner.

Posted by: VeeBeeWhy? | October 5, 2005 06:05 PM

Girrrrrrrrl.. ow! Watch lots of Ellen. Ellen = funny and that should help!

Posted by: Angel | October 5, 2005 06:32 PM

Sorry about the stitches, but as usual you told the story in a great way :)

I am getting a pedicure tomorrow!

Posted by: Jennifer L | October 5, 2005 08:29 PM

Oh oww owwwww. Please tell me the doc gave you some serious narcotics to put at least a little silver lining in that enormous fucking cloud of owwww. Poor little piggy. Also, ew.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | October 5, 2005 08:34 PM

HOLY CRAP!

I'm going to put my shoes on right now and I will never, ever take them off again!

You poor thing, I hope you're feeling better and all healed very very very soon.

Posted by: pea | October 5, 2005 08:39 PM

Okay I am fine with blood, but blood PLUS TOES? Oh the pain I felt in my head. It was tremendous.

Posted by: Blue Meany | October 5, 2005 09:08 PM

Oh my tt sounds sooo painful!! Do tc of yourself dear

Posted by: gaia | October 5, 2005 09:47 PM

Take heart! Now that you two ladies have given your blood sacrifices, it's Al and Dukay's turn. You and G are good for two more dinners as I see it. As long as they (as mere mortal men) can stand being, oh, fractured or stitchy or bandaged or plastered (cast-wise; they are probably tolerably skilled at the other kind) you girls are good to go.

Just hope it's Al's turn first, cuz I bet Dukay's funness plummets when stuff's falling off him and such.

Posted by: Miss Fish | October 5, 2005 10:04 PM

Oh, Jesus, that's horrible! I'm sorry that happened to you. Also, I think you are the only person ever who could make such a gruesome story so very, very funny. I love your writing! Quick healing to your toe!!

Posted by: Meg | October 5, 2005 11:26 PM

I am barefoot right now and frantically searching for some sort of house shoe. Because I banned shoes from inside the apartment and now my feet fear for their toes. Now, though, this ban on shoes might be so over.

Stay rested and if you want to feel a little better, google "blit wizbot" and watch the resulting 30 second movie in one of the 611 links it pulls up for you.

Ps- I think I might have peed a little when you mentioned wondering if the dogs had eaten the toe bits. Ever since watching the episode of Sex and the City where Miranda was scared the cat was going to eat her face, I have been terrified of my pets chewing on me in any way, shape or form. This includes bits of me that might no longer be attached.

Posted by: Kole | October 6, 2005 12:29 AM

Poor Miss Doxie! Toe injuries are the WORST! Absolutely. The. Worst. I think death is almost preferable to toe injuries - especially when the pinkie toe is involved. Get well soon and beware the spaghetti! :)

Posted by: Ivie | October 6, 2005 02:19 AM

Absolutely disgusting! But absolutely horrifying for you too! Feel better and get spoiled!

Posted by: Joke | October 6, 2005 04:10 AM

Doxie, I'm not happy at ALL that you had your toe ripped off, but i am happy that you posted this entry so I could start my day off with a chuckle. (not at your misfortune, mind you, just at your funny story-telling ways.). Aren't moms great? Enjoy your day off and I hope the pain subsides soon.

Posted by: Jillian | October 6, 2005 06:44 AM

merciful heavens in the sky above! woman, that sucks! i was actually cringing as i read. because i could feel the horror of it all. such incredible horror. G's arm injury, while likely not good or fun, is nothing to your toe injury whatsoever. what incredible horror to have your toe trapped beaneath a door with razors on it!

i feel sick to my stomach over the whole business. i have to go lay down.

feel better and no more bare feet for you ever.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Posted by: honestyrain | October 6, 2005 07:23 AM

"(2) I wonder if the dogs have already eaten the bits of toe; and"
"(3)...is there time for me to like...file? Buff? ANYTHING?"

Coffee on the keyboard again!
But it sounds like you got glued instead of stiched - true?

Posted by: Mark | October 6, 2005 07:37 AM

Oh lord in heaven please stop leaving your house. I have never read of anyone having the sort of bad luck that you do, my dear. Take care of yourself, eat lots of ice cream and get a pedicure as soon as possible!!

Posted by: JuJuBee | October 6, 2005 08:15 AM

About a day and a half I before the first time I got stitches I told my mother that I never, ever wanted to get stitches because they were gross. Then a biking accident happened and I ended up with 15 of them in my leg.

I also found out the hard way to not make a second batch of sangria when the first batch was just polished off because cutting fruit when drunk will send you immediately to the emergency room for stitches in your finger, and it really hurts when you cut yourself and there is lemon juice present.

I guess what I'm saying is I totally understand and am full of empathy for you. I hope your toe stops hurting soon and I think Dukay should totally spoil you rotten until it does.

Posted by: Jessie | October 6, 2005 09:39 AM

OK... so I laughed so hard, I choked.

Really though, I'm glad you found the rest of your toe and that it's firmly reattached.

Posted by: CLD | October 6, 2005 09:41 AM

Way too soon for another Doxie post, but checking anyway, wow, it is a new one, hooray, la, la, la, reading, scrolling, wondering what they had to eat, reading, scrolling, SHRIEKING. I loved it. But so sorry for you.

Posted by: madeleine | October 6, 2005 10:47 AM

Your poor toe! Hope your back on your feet soon (literally).

Posted by: Kiefer | October 6, 2005 10:49 AM

Your poor toe! Hope your back on your feet soon (literally).

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | October 6, 2005 10:50 AM

Oh my all that is good and holy, I got the cold shivers reading that. Your POOR toe! Every toe that I own has just sort of curled up into itself to avoid an injury like yours. I hope you feel better very soon. Make sure Dukay spoils you within an inch of your life during your recovery. I don't know that this will make you feel better or not, but I love your site. My mom owns a daschund named Daisy, so I can relate to your dog stories entirely too well. I hope you are up and about very soon. :o)

Posted by: Missy | October 6, 2005 02:45 PM

I feel very bad for you. Poor thing! I've had a few stitches in my life and let me tell you, not only do they hurt going in, (well, the shot to numb you up anyway, or shots, plural, if you are a major wuss like me who swears on a stack of everything that she can "still feel it, I CAN"), but they also hurt coming back out.

Don't let anyone lie to you about that. They hurt almost WORSE coming out. You don't get numbed for that. They just yank..and it's like having things yanked from the depths of your (insert body part here) that feel like they shouldn't be yanked. I never get the stitches that dissolve..NO, that would mean I'm dealing with a kinder, gentler doctor but I never do.

So, I feel your pain. Please proceed to eat a quart of your favorite ice cream. You've earned it.

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf | October 6, 2005 03:06 PM

Man, I think I am having sympathy pains because right after reading this my big toe began to ache something awful.

Posted by: Wendy | October 6, 2005 04:14 PM

I seem to remember a problem with doors and Doxie in the past. This is a trend. One you should avoid continuing. I suggest removing all the doors inside your house and getting a door man to prevent your ever touching a door again.

Posted by: lisame | October 6, 2005 04:47 PM

I seem to remember a problem with doors and Doxie in the past. This is a trend. One you should avoid continuing. I suggest removing all the doors inside your house and getting a door man to prevent your ever touching a door again.

Posted by: lisame | October 6, 2005 04:48 PM

Bless ya.

Hope you and toe are better soon !

Posted by: Andrew | October 7, 2005 02:44 AM

I don't think stitches hurt coming out. I might just be used to it, for I am very clumsy. The last time I had them (5 in my foot) I just snipped them with a nail scissors and yanked them out myself.

Posted by: Jen | October 7, 2005 06:07 AM

That's IT! Al and G are BANNED from dinner at my house, near my house or generally close to said house. Having said that, I'm sorry I laughed at your story and shall make up for it by sending your toe happy nice toe thoughts.

Posted by: s u s a n | October 7, 2005 06:41 AM

Yep, the whole toe thing? Done that. Only it was on an oyster shell, not a door. :-( Feel better soon! I am sympathizing (and giggling).

Posted by: Peyton | October 7, 2005 08:54 AM

Wait...I seem to remember a previous Miss Doxie entry wherein said lady VOWED that she never goes barefoot! Not for anything! (The details elude me--and Google--but there was something about an awkward sexual encounter that included boots...)

Posted by: Lori | October 7, 2005 09:29 AM

OH MY GOD! I hope you feel better soon.

I must say that this had me in hysterics. I think it's because I'm sick.

I feel bad laughing so hard, but you are a GREAT storyteller.

Posted by: SWSNBN | October 7, 2005 12:31 PM

I've just spent the guts of the past 3 days reading your entire archive and I have never come so close to peeing right in my chair. Not cos of the 3 days of reading...no, cos of the FUNNY. You rock.

Posted by: Sarawarawoo | October 7, 2005 12:50 PM

Now that was just yucky and I never considered myself squeamish but that did squick me out. The only thing that could have rescued it and made it funny for me was if you'd managed to cut it in yet another ceiling fan incident... but that would have required some contortions and athleticism that not many have.

I hope your toe heals speedily.

Posted by: Shawna | October 7, 2005 06:36 PM

Aw bubbelah! Feel better soon! Get lots of rest and chicken soup :)

Posted by: Sophie | October 7, 2005 07:41 PM

OH MY GOD that is so awful and also my toes are curled in total sympathy.

Uch.

Those of us who have had cuts! On our FEET! Draw in our breaths sharply because we know what it is to IRRIGATE the footal region and that it HURTS LIKE BLUE BLAZES.

And of course tetanus is the hurtiest of the common vaccinations, with the sore-bruise-owie.

So, you POOR POOR POOR girl, you. ACK.

Take care and make Dukay bring you bonbons while you recuperate on the chaise longue.

Posted by: ginger | October 7, 2005 08:32 PM

I sliced my leg open on the license plate of my car while doing laundry (machines are in garage). Called my sister all hysterical like to come and take me to the ER. I'd never had stitches before and I'm 32! Then I nearly passed out.

Good luck and good healing!

ps...did the dogs eat your toe?

Posted by: Elizabeth K | October 7, 2005 10:37 PM

Oh ow. Just ow. Feel better soon!

Posted by: Brighton | October 8, 2005 01:10 PM

OW. I sliced the pad of my LEFT THUMB off in seventh grade while attempting to see if the razor was sharp enough for me to carve my name in a piece of modeling clay. I FEEL your PAIN.

Posted by: Tina | October 8, 2005 02:36 PM

Laughed so hard, nearly gave birth.

Not to sound selfish, or anything, but PLEASE go out to dinner with Al and G again, that post just totally made my weekend.

Oh, and hope the toe feels better. Ay.

Posted by: Holley | October 8, 2005 03:25 PM

and I thought you should never leave home without clean underoo's...note to self get pedicure ASAP! it is a medical necessity

Posted by: sarah | October 8, 2005 06:29 PM

Like eeeeew... sorry sweetie!! I can only imagine the pain. Tears come to my eyes when I even stump one of my little piggies, so I can only imagine what it would be like to cut it in half. Feel better!!

Posted by: khazzy | October 9, 2005 05:46 PM

How are you doing today, Doxie? Hopefully better since it's been a few days since the toe-slicing incident. My stitch story involves them coming out...once upon a time I decided it was a lovely spring day and a good time for a bike ride. Long story short, bikes and train tracks are not a good combo! I ended up in surgery to get a metal plate on each bone in my forearm and 8 screws in each plate. In order to do all that, my forearm had to be opened up on BOTH SIDES resulting in two 7-inch long incisions sewn up with stitches. Thank God I was unconscious for all of that...however, I was NOT UNCONCIOUS later when it was time for all of those stitches to COME OUT! No drugs, just much yanking and pulling. I nearly passed out on the table before he was halfway done and had to lay down til he finished. Be thankful you got glue, Doxie. Enjoy the rest of your recovery time!

Posted by: ishouldbeworking | October 10, 2005 11:07 AM

I know it's THE WORSE when you walk into the ER and the doctor gets grossed out! (That happened to me once too.)

My mom once dropped a sharp object that sliced through the top of her toe. She immediately went into shock, leaned back into a yoga position and said, "I'll heal myself now." Oh, these are so the lessons that you don't enjoy learning.

Hope you feel better.

Posted by: the weirdgirl | October 10, 2005 01:17 PM

You are actually the second person I know to be attacked by a door within the past two weeks. I think there is a conspiracy here...

Posted by: anne | October 10, 2005 08:52 PM

I'm sorry...what I meant to say was"You are the second person I know to have been attacked." My coal region was showing...

Posted by: anne | October 11, 2005 06:23 AM

Shoes are for more than pretty. Now I know.

Whenever I go to the doctor and someone begins to utter the word "blood" or "needl-"...

"I'M A FAINTER. Just so you know." At least I know my limitations.

Posted by: allison | October 11, 2005 10:22 AM

This was the best laugh/gag I've had all day! Your poor ouchie toe... I hope it's feelin' better now.

Posted by: Dillygirl | October 11, 2005 10:22 PM

Hi. First time here and just wanted to say that your post made my stomach flip flop and I might have to blog about barfing later.

Good stuff! lol

PS Hope you're feeling better.

Posted by: Betty | October 12, 2005 07:03 AM

Oh my holy God, girl. Please get well soon!

Posted by: Coleen | October 12, 2005 01:27 PM

I SOOOOOOOOOOOOO feel ya on the toe pain. I have personally knocked both of my big toenails off twice each, with all four times involving doors snapping back at me while I stand there like a barefoot fool. Although one of those times it didn't get knocked clean off, just straight up so it was only attached at the cuticle but too painful for me or anyone else to touch it. The doctor, kind, wonderful soul that he is, pulled the damn thing off with pliers without evening buying me dinner or a drink! Sheesh!

Also -- one other foot story -- I had left a big merlot glass on my coffee table one Friday night, which I then proceed to knock over and break. I THOUGHT I had cleaned up all of the glass bits, but when I came out to the living room the next morning to switch on the news and watch it while drinking coffee, I went to sit down on my couch, which is on rollers, and it rolled back a little bit and I stood up to catch my balance and promptly stepped down, with my full weight, on one ginormous piece of glass -- about 2 inches long and an inch wide -- which promptly went COMPLETELY into my foot and almost came out the top. Then I, like the fool that I am, pulled said piece of glass out of my foot and proceeded to hemmoragghe (sp?) all over the living room rug. I had to crawl to the bathroom and call my mom to take me to the ER. The cute firemen had to come and bandage it up because I was bleeding so profusely it looked like a damn murder scene. Now, the doctor had to "poke around in the wound" to be sure there was no glass stuck in there once I got to the ER. But first he jabbed my foot with about 8 shots of novacaine, then pronounced me numb, and started poking around. And, um, I'm pretty sure that novavaine DOES NOT kick in after only a mere nanosecond! My mom almost threw up and the pain was so bad I swear I died and saw Jesus and then came back to life! These stories ought to make you feel better, because my dear girl, although you are definitely clumsy, there is none more clumsy than I! I've got a million of them, and they all involve a LOT 'O PAIN! Foot pain is the WORST! I had to walk on crutches for about a week, and I still get a twinge in my foot every now and then even though the injury occurred in 1999 for God's sake!

Posted by: Jessica | October 12, 2005 09:10 PM

Unfortunately the McDonalds' cookies were probably called "chocolaty" for a legal reason. If you say "chocolate" the cookies have to actually contain chocolate. If you say "chocolaty" they can use a bunch of chemicals that that are meant to taste and look like chocolate but really don't. I think McDonalds has upgraded to real chocolate now but I'm not sure.

Posted by: Cali Girl | October 14, 2005 02:19 PM

thank you!

i haven't laughed this hard in a very very long time.
i'm sorry about your toe, though...

Posted by: ladymissmarquise | October 28, 2005 08:38 AM

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