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Postcards From the Edge

September 20, 2005

I AM A LITTLE FRAZZLED RIGHT NOW.

It is nothing major, it is just that I have had A LOT (A LOT) going on, and I am having trouble keeping up with everything, and so in an effort to kind of, you know, streamline things, I am just going to post a series of notes that I have been meaning to write to people/things/entities. Hope y’all don’t mind.

Dear People Who Have Won Paintings:

Did I say I would send them last week? HA HA! That is what I said, but what I meant was that I would send them this week, you know, the week that is this one, because I am kind of AN IDIOT and did not calculate the amount of work I would have the first week back after vacation.

Now that things have calmed down, however, I can finish y’all’s paintings, and they will be in the mail by the end of this week. Pinky swear! Or you can come and hit me with a stick, and I won’t even complain.

(As long as it is not a very big stick.)

And, for people who are interested in paintings on eBay: yes! We will do that, too, and donate the money to somewhere. But it will probably be next week (see: work, above). So just keep that in mind. Smoke on your pipe and put that in!

YOU GUYS, DID I MENTION THAT I AM A LITTLE FRAZZLED RIGHT NOW? If I was not frazzled, I would never use an expression like, “Smoke on your pipe and put that in.” What am I talking about, exactly? Did I just make a pop culture reference…from 1961? YES I DID.

Anyway. Kisses, and I will mail you your winnings ASAP.


Love,
Doxie Who Is A Bad Procrastinator, Don't Tell My Mom.

Dear Emmys:

I am sorry I forgot to watch you. Did anyone wear anything good? Did anyone come dressed as a swan? Did anyone come dressed as a ballerina? Did anyone come dressed as a ballerina swan? I may never know, and that makes me…actually, I’m pretty neutral about it.

Catch you next year! Maybe!

Love,
Doxie Who Was Watching Alias On DVD, Because She Never Watched That Show Before And It Has Taken Over Dukay And Doxie’s Lives Entirely.

Dear Alias:

I HATE YOU. When our friend Tex convinced Dukay that we just had to see you, that we would start at Season 1 and work our way through your many episodes, we decided to comply, because there is no 24 right now, and that is pretty much a national tragedy. But KNOW WHAT? YOU MAKE NO SENSE, ALIAS.

Listen, what...what do you want to be? Do you want to be like 24? Or do you want to be like the X Files? Because WE CANNOT FIGURE YOU OUT, and one minute you are kind of making sense with the spy-talk, but then the next minute there is a Prophecy, and people who are 900 years old and not yet dead, and it is all JUST A LITTLE CONFUSING.

But nothing, NOTHING is as confusing as your staunch refusal to give Sidney A FUCKING GUN.

ALIAS. WHY DO YOU NOT GIVE SIDNEY A GUN. HOW COME DOES SHE ALWAYS HAVE TO KICK PEOPLE. WE WOULD ALL SAVE SO MUCH TIME IF SHE JUST SHOT THEM.

This is really making me mad, Alias. I am shouting at you, and I don’t want to shout. But I would really, really appreciate it if you made, I don’t know. SOME FUCKING SENSE.

Wait, it turns out I am not done: WHY DID THEY EVEN BOTHER TRAINING HER WITH A GUN? WE SEE THAT EVERY OPENING CREDITS BUT WHEN SHE IS ACTUALLY FACING BAD PEOPLE SHE NEVER HAS A GUN.

It is driving me up a wall.

Not that this will stop us from watching four episodes per night.

Love,
Doxie Who Is About Four Years Behind Everyone Else On Her Television Viewing, Do You Want To Make Something Of It?

And finally:

Dear Security Lady Who Sits Downstairs In The Front Desk Thing:

This is...uh, this is kind of uncomfortable, so I’m just going to jump right in. I’m the girl who you think is a total idiot. Hello!

I want you to know that it is not entirely my fault. Yes, okay, it is mostly my fault, but not entirely, because see, this is...this is what happened.

I come in, every morning, and every morning, you say…something to me. I...I don’t know what you’re saying. I’m really sorry. You are kind of a mutterer, and that’s FINE, it’s TOTALLY OKAY, but please note that I am kind of deaf and I just have no earthly idea at what it is you are trying to convey.

And the first couple of times, you would say, “Mrffffurmmff” and I would say, “I’m sorry?” and you would say, “Mrffffurrrmuff” and I would say, “Come again?” and you would say, “MRFFFFURMMMF” and I would smile widely and say, “GOOD MORNING!”

And then I would run to the elevator, thereby avoiding any follow-up discussion. Because I have no idea what you are saying to me.
And, it would seem like you are wishing me a good morning, but you say pretty much the same thing when I come in after lunch. “Mrfffummf,” you will say. Only sometimes you say it like a question, and then I hear only, ““Mrfffummf?” and then you look at me expectantly.

In the beginning, I answered “yes” or “no”. But I could tell that sometimes, I was getting the answer wrong. Sometimes I would say no, with conviction, and you would look at me like I had lost my mind.
So I switched to yes. This produced similar results. Now I just grunt at you. I GRUNT AT YOU. I AM SO SORRY.

The thing is, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Security Lady Who Sits Downstairs In The Front Desk Thing! Everyone else can understand you. I see you engaging in long conversations with other people. What is really amazing, is that I can understand what you are saying when you talk to them. Sometimes I feel like butting into your conversations and announcing, “ME TOO” or anything, ANYthing that will let you know that I am not being purposefully idiotic.

Listen, I am sorry that I make noncommittal noises when you see me. Sometimes when our eyes meet, I look heavenward and make an exhausted sound, and then you laugh. And I want to take your hands in mine, and we can marvel together that we live in a world where we need no words, where my general sentiment of “Whew, it’s hot/cold/wet/dry out there, and boy do I not want to go back to work” can be conveyed with facial expression and shrugging alone. A world where you will not dissolve into laughter as soon as the elevator doors close behind me. Which I am QUITE SURE THAT YOU DO, because…what the hell? WHY CAN’T I UNDERSTAND YOU?

Anyway. See you soon. I’ll be the one grunting.

Love,
Doxie Who Pretty Much Thinks That This Covers Everybody At The Moment. But Who Is Probably Wrong.

Oh, and P.S. To My Comments Counter Thing:

What the hell is the matter with you? Why do you say "zero" when I can very clearly see that there are comments on the last entry?

Wait, actually, it's ALL the entires. You are saying that there are no comments on ANY entries. That is odd.

Are you...flirting with me?

Love,

Doxie, Who Is Pretty Sure That She's Done Now.

P.P.S.

ALIAS, GIVE SIDNEY A FUCKING GUN.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

38 Comments

Here is the BEST dress I've ever seen at an awards show. Or is it the WORST? You decide. There is more than one on that page; you'll know which one I am referring to! Tess Smith. Who are you? What are you?

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/

Posted by: karen | September 20, 2005 09:21 AM

Psst. Dude. It's "put that in your pipe and smoke it". Ha.

Posted by: Kate | September 20, 2005 09:24 AM

Amen on the Alias/gun issue! I noticed that on Scarecrow and Mrs. King, how Scarecrow would always chase down the bad guys and punch them out. Wasn't he a highly-trained government agent? Didn't he know how to work a gun? It was all very perplexing. The only thing that kept me watching was Scarecrow's sexiness. Meow! Hate Melissa Gilbert since she got to marry him in real life.

Posted by: Her Ladyship | September 20, 2005 10:19 AM

Returning to law practice after vacation sucks. BAD.

Posted by: Calla | September 20, 2005 10:20 AM

Kate...I think Doxie was referring to a line from a song in "West Side Story". Something like "I like the island Manhattan, smoke on your pipe and put that in!". Or something like that. I'm a bit rusty on the "Finger-Snappin' Showtunes of the Sixties" catagory.

Posted by: Barb in Boston | September 20, 2005 10:24 AM

You're not going to try and watch LOST after you finish up with Alias are you? Because, sweetie, I think your heads will explode, and then the dogs will sniff the remains and pee on them.

(That was supposed to be funny but I grossed myself out, and I left it in anyway because you knew I totally would.)

Posted by: Coleen | September 20, 2005 12:38 PM

Smoke on your pipe and put that in. I love that. Because it sounds like something I would say when I had been smoking on a pipe and, you know, putting something in.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | September 20, 2005 12:39 PM

I know what you mean about Sidney & the gun. I'm watching Alias from the beginning, too, and on the episode I watched yesterday she had to turn to Dixon and ask to borrow his gun. Why? Why? Why can't she have one of her own? If it's a question of metal detectors, I'm sure Marshall could whip up a gun out of, say, some fakey-TV-type, impervious-to-detectors, high-density plastic or something. I mean, COME ON.

Wow. Sorry. It's just I feel the same way. Sheesh.

Posted by: SpaceCase | September 20, 2005 12:57 PM

Ok.. don't get me started on Alias.. cuz I love that show. I don't care if sometimes it doesn't make sense. The kicking is the best part! Come on.. there are three guys after her WITH guns, mind you, and she can STILL stomp on their foreign asses. I LOVE it! But you better catch up.. Premier is Thursday woman! And it's the very last last so last I'm going to cry season!

Ok.. yes, and Lost is on tomorrow and I SO can't wait.

Oh, and I also missed the Emmy's too. Caught the last 5 minutes, which was pointless but caught up online w/ all the best and worst dressed. And really, the worst dressed was Patricia Arquette.. what the hell was she thinking w/ that hair and that dress? Ew..

Posted by: Angel | September 20, 2005 01:09 PM

Alias confuses me, too. Of course, it could be that I started watching it after Lost last season and I hadn't seen any of the previous seasons. Seems to me, though, that if a viewer wanted to start a show, say, in its fourth season, it should at least make SOME FREAKING sense from the start of the season. But no. Not Alias.

Give Sidney a gun, indeed.

Quick Emmy recap:

Teri Hatcher and Halle Berry were both STUNNING in long blue evening gowns. Teri's was my favorite dress of the evening. In fact, all of the Desparate Housewives looked great.

Then there was a virtual unknown, Tess Smith, who showed up in a dress that made J.Lo's green Grammy dress look like a nun's habit.

Everything else was boring. Jennifer Garner is cute pregnant. The ceremony was pretty dull, and almost no one I wanted to win actually won. Boo.

Hours wasted in front of T.V.: 3
Frozen dinners eaten: 2
Pages of reading for law school done: 5
How far behind I am now: priceless

Posted by: Peyton | September 20, 2005 02:21 PM

Sydney totally needs a gun. It's like, someone is SHOOTING at her but she can't defend herself until she gets close enough to say, kick them in the head. And being the well behaved bad guys that they are, they let that happen. Just wait, YOU WAIT, until you get to the finale of the last season. Watching all of Alias in a short time span has enough plot twists to make you cry. I'm just sayin'. But LOST comes back tomorrow and it's amazing!! You should totally watch Lost, everything ties together.. eventually. It's awesome. AND... they have guns. HA.

Posted by: RadiantSky | September 20, 2005 02:44 PM

I have not watched Alias. I am just now falling in love with Sex and the City: Edited to Remove All the Fun Stuff on regular cable. But! I got a chance to watch, like, all of season two on HBO On Demand, so I spent five hours doing that, and I weep (WEEP) that it took me SO LONG to realize the brilliance of that show. So, take heart, I am farther behind than you are.

I am farther behind than most people in third world countries, actually.

Posted by: Lori | September 20, 2005 03:36 PM

Hey Doxie - nice to have you back :-) You will find out all you need to know about what you missed at the Emmys here http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/ Have fun :) some of the archived stuff is worth it too.

Posted by: kleesrosegarden | September 20, 2005 03:42 PM

" Sometimes when our eyes meet, I look heavenward and make an exhausted sound, and then you laugh. And I want to take your hands in mine, and we can marvel together that we live in a world where we need no words"


thank you

Posted by: dandy lion | September 20, 2005 03:59 PM

Wait... the Emmys were on last night?

I don't even have a job as an excuse.

Clearly I have been both smoking and putting far too many things.

Posted by: Mir | September 20, 2005 04:28 PM

Yes, you see, I was also teased by the comment counter, for I wanted to be first because I hardly *ever* get to be first on comments. And for some completely immature and idiotic reason I get a total kick out of being first. And lo I must now be the 400th person to agree that Sidney needs a gun, however I have also been sucked in however it's premiering like very soon--tomorrow is it? And the last season has yet to come out on DVD and I am quite upset about this. Because CLEARLY you cannot even skip an episode and still understand what in the crap is going on nevermind miss an entire season.

Posted by: Angela | September 20, 2005 04:59 PM

the mumbling thing. what the hell do you do if you are a secretary and the caller is MUMBLING his/her name and you have to page your boss letting him know who is on the phone...???? and everytime he/she repeats the name it sounds like something else and how many times can you ask them to repeat their name already, dammit. so SPEAK UP, YOU f'in MUMBLERS!

Posted by: amy | September 20, 2005 06:32 PM

I can't BELIEVE that nobody, in the many Emmy recaps, has mentioned my new favorite person: S. Epatha Merkerson, who lost her acceptance speech (for some TV movie I didn't see - Lackawanna Blues) DOWN HER DRESS. She actually tried to fish it out during her speech, but decided against it. Apparently, she showed it on the View the next day, all wrinkled up.

(Also, I second the eww on Patricia Arquette's hair. Very, very scary...)

Posted by: s u s a n | September 20, 2005 07:16 PM

I have never watched Alias, or 24, or Survivor, or Lost, or the Amazing Race, or the Bachelor/ette, or pretty much anything except South Park, Family Guy, the Simpsons and the first few episodes of each season of American Idol until the sucky people are all gone, so don't feel bad. But I'm sure I would want her to have a gun, to, because we don't want her to fuck up her shoes, with all that kicking.

Posted by: Blue Meany | September 20, 2005 07:52 PM

I totally picked up on the 60's pop culture reference, even though I was not, if you want to get technical (and I always do) born until 1984. I LOVE that song.

Anyway...you have my heartfelt sympathy with the mumbler. Sometimes, when I am on drive-thru at work, these people will come and order things, and they will try very hard to make me understand what it is that they want, but I can't because they are from some obscure place in Asia or Africa or possibly another planet. Have you tried asking everybody else what she says to them? Perhaps that will help you decipher the mumbling...a translator is always useful :-)

PS Maybe they don't give Sidney a gun because she is so good she would just blow them all away and there would not be enough fighting to last the whole hour, and then they would have to fill up the rest with plot twists and that would be bad because it's impossible enough to follow as it is?

Posted by: The Other Hannah | September 20, 2005 11:00 PM

Yep, looks like the comment counter walked off the job.

Your right, Alias is kind of out there, with the New World Order takeover philosophy babble plot confusion. I must admit its lost me a couple of times, which reminds me of the show Lost, which is fantastic and I faithfully watched every episode of last season. Can't wait till Wednesday and 9pm E!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | September 20, 2005 11:35 PM

Ah-hem..."You're right"...it is obviously past my bedtime. Of course I intended to use the contracted form of "you are" rather than the possessive form of you! Silly me! I love mispellings! Yay! I'm going to bed now!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | September 20, 2005 11:39 PM

I think I feel irrationally proud of myself for getting the 'smoke on your pipe and put that in' reference.
Also when I saw you'd updated I actually went "yessss!" and may or may not have punched the air. I am a loser, but you, my friend, make me one by your funniness.

Posted by: Léonie | September 21, 2005 04:52 AM

Maybe they will give her a gun in Season five because she will not be able to kick so much in her pregnant state!!

Posted by: Alison Conaghan | September 21, 2005 05:40 AM

Hey Miss Doxie,

I have no idea why they do not give Sidney a gun. I am also a sudden addict of the show, and a friend of mine recently told me something which you may or may not have heard, but anyway, I think the show makes a lot more sense when you kept it in mind.

Anyway, Alias is brought to us by the creators of "Felicity". Do you remember Felicity? She was boy crazy, and college crazy, and had crazy hair? Anyway yes, apparently, the creators came up with Alias when they went "You know, what if Felicity WAS A SPY???"

xxx Babs

Posted by: Babs | September 21, 2005 07:51 AM

Oh my god, it breaks my heart about what you said about Alias. I want to sit you down and explain all 4 years to you, right now! But i will resist yelling about how that is like my favorite show and etc, and smacking you up side the head for talking bad about it, and just sit here and cry


isnt the saying "put that in your pipe and smoke it?"

Posted by: JOnelle | September 21, 2005 08:26 AM

Momma is trying to lure me into Alias, knowing that I've lost 6 Feet Under and now live in a TV Free Existence and maybe I cry quietly over this late at night (WHY, Nate! I miss you, Claire! You were always sexy to me, Crazy Billy!) but I refuse. Jennifer Garner kind of gives me the willies and that is no lie.

Posted by: Robyn | September 21, 2005 08:59 AM

I totally hear you on the Alias thing. Remember that scene in one of the Indiana Jones movies (Temple of Doom, perhaps) when he is in the marketplace and this dude comes at him with sabres swinging all about and Indy just looks at him, exasperated, and shoots him? That was great.

I remember reading or hearing somewhere that Harrison Ford had the flu and just didn't have the energy to do the elaborate fight scene so he said "Can't I just shoot him?" and they said, "ok," and that was that.

Posted by: megan | September 21, 2005 09:05 AM

Oh, but the kicking is the best part! In fact, my complaint with last season is that there wasn't entirely enough kicking. I wish Alias took place in an alternate universe where weapons weren't invented and everything had to be hand-to-hand combat. The plot-twists give me a headache, too, and I can never remember what the hell happened the week before because it's always so convoluted, but alas, I love it. You have to catch up so you can see the premiere on Thurs. the 29th at 8/7c!

Posted by: Kiki | September 21, 2005 09:24 AM

Yes, it is hard to stay with the Alias, but so far, even the small morsels of awesomeness have made up for several episodes of boring. They do start to give her a gun more often in the later seasons, but she doesn't actually KILL people very often, which is kind of convenient. Beating OK for TV heroine. Killing, not? WHAT? Either way, she told Star Jones at the Emmys that through slow motion and camera angles, she was able to do some of the kicking so far this season as well. So...don't you fret. Syd will kick some ass with the fetus.

Posted by: Morgan | September 21, 2005 11:07 AM

Was the pop culture reference to West Side Story? Cuz that's what I got; from the song "In America".

Posted by: Heather | September 21, 2005 01:50 PM

Hopefully to assuage your guilt at least a little, I totally get the frazzled. I'm similarly frazzled and had not even registered a time frame for the painting to be mailed by. I will be happy and excited whenever it shows up. And knowing me and my completely disorganized self, will probably have completely forgotten again that I'm supposed to be expecting it. It will be like a little suprise party in my mail.

Posted by: Rebecca | September 21, 2005 05:15 PM

it does say zero comments when in fact there are more than zero. how odd.

Posted by: honestyrain | September 22, 2005 06:06 PM

The reason Sydney doesn't have a gun is image. She kicks ass and is a strong female figure in her own right. Even when she shoots someone she doesn't kill them. If she used a gun she would look like a trigger happy crazed killer, and more bad guy than good guy. This way she comes off as feminine yet highly trained to take out the enemy and complete the mission. Besides, where on her body would she carry a gun in her tight fitting and sexy clothes? It would be so obvious she would be stopped at the door of all the places she has to get into and then sneak into the critical off-limits area.
P.S. Try asking the woman at the front desk what she said, and then tell her you didn't understand it. Maybe she will repeat it without mumbling.

Posted by: mommamack | September 23, 2005 03:54 PM

My suggestion for the front desk lady: mumble back.

Yes, I am one cold hearted biznatch.

Posted by: Kole | September 24, 2005 03:54 PM

Doxie, I hope all is well! You sound totally stressed out and now you haven't posted in ten days!!!!

And by the way. Me? Total Alias fan. But not since it switched from Sunday to Wednesday. Who the heck watches TV on a wednesday?? I don't have time on wednesdays.

And I don't live in the States anymore anyway. So I pretty much can only rent Alias episodes. Waaahhh.

Posted by: Joke | September 30, 2005 09:55 AM

Um, it's blank?

Posted by: jill | October 1, 2005 12:46 AM

Gaaaaaahhhh! Withdrawals!!!

Posted by: Miss Fish | October 3, 2005 04:50 PM

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