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Kythryne, Your Secret Pal Says Hi

September 10, 2005

...not that the above has anything to do with this entry. But she does, and she asked me to give you a shout out. And I am in a compliant kind of mood.

Yesterday was our last day at the beach and we are going home this afternoon. I am trying not to think about it, because: beach is good! Home is bad. Home involves bills and a leaky faucet that I haven't fixed yet and there's that toilet that's been running, and on top of everything else, YOU GUYS, I have done NOTHING but eat and drink for DAYS, and now I have to go back to work, and my jeans no longer fit my body.

What the hell? SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE.

We've had such a good time, though, and I am excited about seeing the dogs. The dogs are...well, I am betting that they are really, really, seriously pissed at me right now. I left them at the vet/kennel place for almost two weeks. That is like four years in dogs time. And Bo is not forgiving.

The last time I left Bo at the vet, it was only for a morning, and he was having his teeth cleaned. And when I went to pick him up, he was LIVID, SO FURIOUS, and he gave me what-for and how-dare-I all the way home. He sat in the passenger seat next to me, GLARING at me, and just...growltalked. He growltalked all the way home, which is something Bo does, and it involves him growling and talking (obviously) at the same time, wherein he moves his little Bo lips and tries to make little words to demonstrate his EXTREME displeasure. Because he lacks some important word-making abilities, however (and I am not EVEN getting into the science of that right now), all of his words sound like this:

RrrooOOOwwwwOO.
Rooowwwwooooow.
Oorrrrowwwowwoorrr.
Fuuuucccck Yeeeeeooouuuuwwww.
Reaoooorrrrr.
Meow.
Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoo.

So, the entire ride home, and I mean the entire ride home, Bo glared at me with white hot hatred, and talked. "RrrrOOOOwwwOOOlllOOOr," he told me angrily. "Rrrroooggggllloooowwww. GRRRROOOOLLLOOOOWWWOOOORRRR."

And I tried apologizing, but he was Not Having It, so then I just started laughing, which only made him angrier ("Rrrowwwoolooggg? RRROWWWOOLOOGGG!"), and I had to get my cell phone and that is when I called all kinds of people and left them voicemails of Bo growling at them. I did not give any explanation. As soon as I heard the beep, I just held the phone up to his lips as they trembled with fury, and let the hatred be broadcast to the voicemail of people throughout this great country.

About an hour later, I got a message from Ziz, that just said, "What in the HELL did you do to Bo? Are you skinning him alive?"

Aaaaaaaanyway. So I am excited about seeing the dogs, but I am not so excited about the verbal lashing that I am sure to receive. And, I am not excited about the drive home. Sigh.

Today, Dukay and I will spend approximately seventy hours in the car together. We may murder one another; you just never know. It is a small car. And we have to go a long way.

And Dukay is going to want to listen to his music, and his music is awful, IT IS SO BAD, and he just loves anything that is spacey and jam-bandish, and I JUST DON'T HAVE THE PATIENCE, PEOPLE, to wait around for musicians to decide what they're going to play. And I DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE for songs that last nineteen minutes, plus a seven minute drum solo, and nobody EVER sings, they just PLAY shit, and SOMETIMES they are not even playing instruments, and once Ziz and Dukay went to a concert together to hear one of his bands, and Ziz got home and looked at me and said, "Dear Lord, at one point, the man played a shoe, and THAT IS NOT MUSIC, that is screwing around with footwear."

SO. You can see that maybe I am not so excited about spending the next eight hours in the car with someone who wants to listen to shoes and spoons and the sounds of washing machines dying and hair catching fire, or whatever the hell. I just want to listen to books on tape (as I do), but Dukay lacks the attention span for any such endeavor. Dukay lacks the attention span of a gnat, but that is another issue altogether. (Sometimes Dukay will abandon a subject that we are discussing, but then pick it up again several hours later, without warning. Like, one morning, we will be talking about that song Old MacDonald's Farm and how it is kind of weird, and then we will stop talking about it -- we will do something else for the rest of the day, something that does not involve farm animals at all, and then around 11 at night, we will be sitting on the couch with friends, and he will turn and look at me, and with NO WARNING WHATSOEVER, announce, "Of course, sheep don't bark," and then he will turn around and that will be the end of the conversation. And everyone will stare at us, trying to figure out if we are speaking in code, or whether they missed that all-important conversational shift that made it somehow appropriate for Dukay to announce, with CONVICTION, that sheep do not, indeed, bark.)

(And then I have to explain it, because Dukay is already absorbed in something else. And then I look like an idiot. This is called a Dukay Dive Bomb. The Dukay Dive Bomb is a part of my daily reality.)

ANYWAY. So, that is what I will be dealing with for the rest of the day. And I'm bummed, y'all, because this means I will have to say goodbye to my sister, and to her boyfriend devin, who I really like even though he insists that I spell his name without the use of capital letters (we won't try to understand that). He is very funny. He and Ziz together equal hours of entertainment, especially because they hardly ever get to see each other. She lives in L.A. now, and he is still in Boston, and one day we will kidnap them both and force them to just live in my house, already, and we will all eat Flav-O-Ice and not eat the green ones and tell jokes and drink things with umbrellas all day long.

But for now, the vacation is over, and I am sad. Tomorrow I have to go back to work, and pick up the dogs, and pay the bills, and slop the hogs, and whetever the hell else has to be done. But I can promise you one thing: whatever I do, Bo will have something to say about it. And that something is not going to be good.

Posted by doxie in That Stupid Thing El Dukay Did | permalink

27 Comments

Ugh, yes, I will be leaving my pup at the kennel in about a month for almost 3 WEEKS! I will then spend 8 days in a small car with my boyfriend where we will have very differing musical taste and I will want nothing but my books on cd... This post has been a terrifying view into the future for me!

Posted by: Angela | September 11, 2005 11:21 AM

Awww, drag. End of vacation sucks big time. What is Dukay listening to, the Flaming Lips? Because one time they all dressed up in bear suits for no apparent reason, and also they now make music with that guy Steve who used to be on Blue's Clues, and that is surreal enough to freak anyone out. They are definitely the sort of people who would play shoes.

I will not mention that I still have three more weeks of maternity leave, because that would be mean.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | September 11, 2005 11:39 AM

I think this may be your funniest entry yet. I'm not laughing in the face of your misery but the deal with the pets cussing you out slayed me. I've spent a few days myself being soundly scolded and removing metaphorical daggers that flew out from their ice cold, anger filled eyes.

Of course it never stops once the car is parked in the driveway. I am embarrassed in public by them as we walk from the car to the house and once inside the house, (where I am caught off guard because I foolishly thought they had gotten it out of their system on the ride home), they unleash a brand of hell that was never known to exist before. There is no word in the English language to describe the horror and mayhem that ensues because it is of biblical proportions.

So while I understand, it's still funny that someone else has to endure it.

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf | September 11, 2005 02:16 PM

Is there any way you can post a sound file of Bo's conversation? The picking up the (human) conversation strand hours later thing? I do that sometimes to my husband. I think it helps if you share a brain, or have telepathic abilities. Dukay just expects you to still be on the same page as he is.

Posted by: fifi | September 11, 2005 03:42 PM

i disagree, it's not the funniest entry, but this line: "This is called a Dukay Dive Bomb." laid me out for a minute... just classic

Posted by: dandy lion | September 11, 2005 04:46 PM

Listen, the guys in my office are WAY too serious not to notice me laughing at my computer screen. Please, I'm going to get escorted out of here in a minute.
I'm really sorry you are so dreading leaving the beach and picking up the angry dogs and going back to the office. And especially that you had to sit next to Dukay for hours! Now, get back to work!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | September 12, 2005 08:23 AM

My gosh, that was a hilarious story. I totally agree with the commenter who suggested a sound file of Bo's growl-talking. Excellent idea!

But even funnier, if that is possible, was your description of Dukay and his jam-band music. You have completely summed up my exact feelings on the subject!

I hope your transition back into working society isn't too painful.

Posted by: bee | September 12, 2005 08:47 AM

I'm sorry you have Bo's tongue-lashing to look forward to, but maybe he'll be so preoccupied with cursing at you, that he'll forget to poop on your car seat!

Posted by: LadyBug | September 12, 2005 09:43 AM

OMG - glad to hear my bf isn't the only one who has adult ADD. He will interrupt a conversation to talk about something totally different - to which I reply, 'wann ride bikes?' so he knows he did it.
argh!

The dive-bomb was a perfect description. Welcome home - to you and to Bo. :)

Posted by: Littlehoney | September 12, 2005 09:57 AM

Hehehehe, my dog Griffin does the same thing before I leave for work in the morning. He glares, growltalks, and head butts me to try to get a few ear scratches in before I go. Being 140 pounds, he has a tendancy to knock me over in the process. An outsider observing this would be totally confused.

I'm so stealing your idea and calling people tomorrow morning. :)

Posted by: Sabine | September 12, 2005 09:59 AM

OOOHH MY GAWD!!!!

An el dukay dive bomb! OF course - that's it! I knew it was something... my fiance does this all the time! Drives me insane... conversations about god knows what pop in to his head from weeks ago, and I never have a clue what he is talking about....

Is there a dive bombs anonomyus? I need to sign Marek up ASAP! Or can I just send him to you housse and he and El dukay and bomb each other out....

thoughts?....

Posted by: jennifer | September 12, 2005 10:58 AM

I heart Bo.
Also, I am leaving for Hawaii tomorrow. Woo! I will think of you fondly, back in the daily grind.

Posted by: Heather | September 12, 2005 11:08 AM

Audblog.com. You can set up a free account and then call the internet and let Bo growl. I think this would be hilarious.

Posted by: hcreegan | September 12, 2005 12:11 PM

Ha! I've never commented before but my bf also LOVES the jam band music and I so feel your pain. Does he like Phish? Because, for real, sometimes the drummer does vacuum cleaner solos.

Posted by: Kasey | September 12, 2005 12:53 PM

My dog does the same thing when my husband hugs me... I haven't figured out yet if he wants the hug or if he's saying in doggy-talk "Get off of my woman." I pretend the latter.

Posted by: Bonanza Jellybean | September 12, 2005 01:15 PM

I LOVE THE GREEN ONES.

Posted by: Lafe | September 12, 2005 02:24 PM

The Dukay Dive Bomb reminds me of that joke:

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Kid with ADD--hey, what's that?"

Posted by: Blue Meany | September 12, 2005 05:13 PM

I love you Miss Doxie. Seriously? I'm having one of the shittiest days, but you are just too funny. Thank you so much.

Posted by: Foxy | September 12, 2005 06:40 PM

Dammit, Lafe stole my line! And here I was sure I'd figured out how to infiltrate your life (because don't you NEED someone to come eat the green ones??)....

Posted by: Mir | September 12, 2005 10:23 PM

My mom's cat does the meowgrowltalk to her when she leaves for vacations as she did a couple weeks ago, however, I am the one who has to bare the brunt of the "talk" until she gets home. And let me tell you, he gets downright evil. Take care and I hope your car ride back will be as painless as possible. :D

Posted by: Kimberly | September 13, 2005 01:18 AM

My theory about our found dog
(http://www.flickr.com/photos/relentlesslyoptimistic/3574008/), Muddy, is that he's part German Shepherd, part Dachshund. He does a talking-growling thing when we're playing that I've never heard a dog do before, which adds credence to the theory.

I bet the Dukay Dive bomb was the source of the "if you could train hummingbirds" comment, wasn't it?

And really, in the car? Headphones.

Posted by: Mark | September 13, 2005 08:15 AM

Send me the green ones.

Glad you had a good vacation, birds and beach and sharks and space jam bands and all. Send me some photos of sand! All I got are ones of glacier ice. Which is cold.

Posted by: Coleen | September 13, 2005 11:40 AM

Seven years I spent with a man who adores obscure thrash metal and theme albums. I think I can maybe relate to the Spoon Music and the playing of the shoe.

Plus? I cracked up for five minutes straight at this entry. Whooping, I tell you.

Posted by: Lori | September 13, 2005 01:18 PM

Oh yea, the 'mad' dog pout. I just picked up Luna after four days at the vets while I was seeing the Dali Lama. She is so MAD at me she is STILL NOT paying attention to me. And normally, she's in my lap if we're watching TV. Headphones and an IPOD thingy for BOTH of you. ALL the time. I'd have to shoot him if I had to be in a small moving metal box with assholes on the road too. IPOD..headphones.

Posted by: Kim | September 13, 2005 09:01 PM

I have no idea how to express the amount of surreptitious laughing I have been doing at work all night (and all LAST night) by reading mostly everything you have ever written. Suffice it to say, I love your words. Also -- when I am not in Iraq, I live in Savannah (because the Army makes me), and when I get back from stupid war, I will totally buy you several hundred alcoholic beverages as a thank you for making me laugh so very hard. If you want.

Posted by: Blue Meany | September 13, 2005 11:10 PM

I hope Bo was not as brutal on you as he could have been. Maybe you should offer him a Flav-O-ice?

Posted by: Brighton | September 15, 2005 08:48 AM

My cat meow talks. Others have heard it. It frightens me sometimes.

Posted by: allison | September 15, 2005 02:04 PM

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