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Doxie Dolittle

September 01, 2005

First off, let me say how AWESOME all of y'all are, with the donations to the Red Cross and the Humane Society and Noah's Hope and everywhere else. You are all wonderful, and that is no lie.

Keep on commenting or emailing when you donate (I'll close things on Monday evening), and you can comment here or in the last entry (I will keep track, because I'm clever like that). And read through the comments if you need any additional donating ideas; there are a lot of good ones in there, from a lot of good people.

I am now adding multiple prizes, because LORD KNOWS that if anyone wants a painting of mine, well. Uh...I kind of like to give them away, to prevent Painting Overload in my own home. Seriously, ask Al or AB or Sarah B. They all have paintings that I have given them, all, "HAVE SOME ART! NO SERIOUSLY TAKE THIS ART" because that is just what I do.

So now, there will be a first prize of one biggish painting, and then a second and third of smallerish paintings. Yes! Because what the fuck else am I going to do for the next week and a half, before I go back to work? I do not do "sitting still" very well. I kind of always have to be a little busy with the hands. Or I will fidget.

Fidget, fidget. (As an aside, y'all, I love that word. If I ever get another dog, I will name him Fidget. It makes no sense, but then, does "Pugsley" make any sense? No. Not really.)

Aaaaaanyway. Let us now change subjects dramatically and talk about My Day With The Animals! Because today was just chock fucking FULL of creatures, and my dogs are not even HERE, and people, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK, because these creatures? Not cuddly. HA HA! NO. It was all very Wild Kingdom.

Anyway, it started with me getting up this morning, and going down to the beach to check out the clean-up efforts. I went up to the guys from the Department of Parks and Beaches or whatever, and we started talking, and I asked if I could do anything to help. And they gave me some basic instructions, and I helped for a little while, and they gave me my own gloves and I was feeling very big as I picked things up, and they were just really entertained that this girl in a bikini was wandering among them, all "Oooh! Look, for I have found a tin can." And entertainment ensued.

(Also, y'all, check out the beach now. They used big old machines to pick up all the garbage and now it's...gone. It's like a totally different beach.)

ANYWAY. Like I was saying, entertainment ensued, until I went a little farther down the beach, and there I saw two little boys, like ten or eleven years old, standing in the debris. And I wouldn't have paid them much attention, except one of them was throwing stones at something in the rubble. And when I got a little closer, I saw that what he was throwing the stones at, was a bird.

A big fucking bird. Who was lying in the rubble, his head swiveling, terrified. But he couldn't move.

Now, I am not...um, awesome with dealing with children, as I don't really have a lot of experience with them, and at that moment I am embarassed to admit that I forgot that we do not cuss at children, because when I saw that little SATAN SPAWN throwing ROCKS at this clearly injured bird that had collapsed into the debris, all I could do was SCREAM, BANSHEE-LIKE, at them, and that is when I believe I said something like, "WHAT IN THE [CUSS WORD] DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING I AM COMING OVER AND I AM GOING TO [CUSS WORD] EAT YOU RIGHT NOW." And that is when they ran.

At this point, my good friends from the DPB came to "get my back," as the kids like to say, and they sneered at the rapidly disappearing backs of the little boys, who were totally scarred by my profanity and who will have to turn to the priesthood or monkhood immediately, because their lives are now forever tainted by My Crazy. And then I looked at the DPB guys and was like, "Uh, now y'all have to help me with this...bird thing."

And the guys from DPB were like, "...bird thing?"

And I explained that the bird was obviously injured, and we had to, you know, DO something, because it couldn't just sit stuck in the rubble for the remainder of eternity. And it especially couldn't sit there until the tide came in.

And they just looked at me, puzzled.

"Huh," said one of the guys.

"Go get him!" I urged, pointing at the bird.

"But...do you see his beak? That's a sharp beak. He will stab the bejeezus out of me with that beak."

"Stop being such a baby," I said, inching away, and hiding behind one of the other DPB guys. One of the bigger guys. "He's just a litle birdie. Go get him, I am SO SURE he will not stab you."

Then I had to hide my eyes, because it occurred to me that that bird WAS ABSOLUTELY going to stab the DPB guy, and I would have been responsible for sending him to a bloody death.

In the end, it took thirteen (THIRTEEN) DPB guys, plus me in a bikini, shouting instructions but otherwise being NOT AT ALL HELPFUL, to wrassle the poor bird into a bucket, with the bird squawking and hollering and snapping and poking the whole time, and yes, there was bloodshed, but it was not the bird's.

Once the bird was safely in his bucket, and he was looking out at us from a little hole in the top, FURIOUS, ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS, he was taken to a vet who specializes in birds, and who would not take any money to treat him, because the Bird was a Feathery Hurricane Victim, and the vet was just a very nice man.

Anyway, so the bird is fine. The DPB guys, however, hate me. They hate me so much. I am not allowed to play with them now, because they are afraid I will find another sad and bedraggled creature, and then they will all get stabbed some more.

Nobody likes to get stabbed, one of the guys told me. And he is absolutely right.

So, AFTER spending the morning with the poor DPB guys, I decided it was time for a cocktail, and I had one, and I went to offer some to the DPB guys, but they were all still gone to the vet with the birdie thing (we are saying it was a pelican, although it clearly is not a pelican. Readers! What the fuck was that bird? Its characteristics include blue eyes and a tendency to STAB PEOPLE with its sharp and pointy knife beak.)

So I wandered into the ocean to cool off, and I had not been in there for more than two minutes when I saw something swimming towards me. And that something was a shark.

Now, it was not a big shark. But IT WAS A FUCKING SHARK. I would like to say that he was ninety feet long and had seventeen inch teeth and that he was trailing body parts from his recent victims, but that would be A Lie, and lying is Wrong, so instead I will say The Truth, which is that he was probably four feet long, and he was probably a nurse shark, and nurse sharks do not like to eat you and will usually leave you alone. BUT IT SCARED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF ME.

And it scared the everloving shit out of the shark, too, who was zipping over towards me, just swimming along, la la la, until he got about five feet away and saw my body standing there, motionless. And if it was possible for a shark to shriek and run off, that is what this shark did. EEE! He said, in sharktalk. EEE, and then ZOOM.

Only, so now I am fascinated. I LOVED sharks when I was growing up, and I still remember a lot of their Latin names, even, and I know (I mean, logically I know) that they are more scared of me than I am of them, and so on. And so I was like, "COME BACK SHARKY!" and I started walking back and forth along in the surf (at this point, I had possibly wisely decided to go IN a little, meaning that now I was only in water up to my shins). And sure enough, the shark came back, and the two of us walked/swam together for about twenty minutes. During which time he did not decide to eat me, and for this I am eternally glad.

Also during this time, I decided that I would call my sister. Of course. This was the conversation we had:

Ziz: Hello?

Self: HEY WHAT'S UP I'M IN THE OCEAN.

Ziz: Awesome. I'll be there Satur--

Self: GUESS WHAT IS WITH ME.

Ziz: Uh...Dukay?

Self: NO DUKAY GETS HERE NEXT WEEK GUESS AGAIN IT HAS TEETH.

Ziz: Um. Tom Cruise? Ann Coulter? A comb?

Self: NO A SHARK.

Ziz: THEN GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER OH MY HOLY GOD.

Self: No, he's kind of far away. Like ten feet away.

Ziz: WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WATER.

Self: No, hush. He's friendly! Like the sharks in Finding Nemo!

Ziz: OH MY GOD.

Self: I thought I would call and share this experiencAAAAAAHHHHH

Ziz: AHHHHHHHH DID YOU JUST GET EATEN?

Self: No, but he came over to me some. Oooookay, I'm just going to move back a liiiiittle biiiiiittt.....

Ziz: Move back onto the BEACH, you IDIOT.

Self: At this point, I am in water up to my ankles. I kind of doubt that he is going to manage to come after me here, unless he has little legs I am not seeing.

Ziz: You are...I mean, you are just unspeakably dumb.

Self: Ooh! Here comes Dad. Dad will come in here and look at the shark with me.

Ziz: Don't you DARE show that shark to our father, or he will go into the water WITH YOU, and he is a SENIOR CITIZEN, and you are both IDIOTS.

Self: Oh, pshaw.

Ziz: "Pshaw"? What is that, Yiddish? Get your ass out of the water.

Self: Dad! Dad! Come here and look at the shark!

Dad: WHAT? WHERE?

Self: Right there, see?

Ziz: DO NOT LET OUR FATHER INTO THAT WATER.

Self: Hush, you. Don't go telling mom.

Ziz: I am TOTALLY TELLING MOM.

Dad: I'm going in!

Ziz: AHHHHHH WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE.

Self: You're just jealous. The shark is awesome. He isn't going to AHHHHHHH

Dad: AHHHHHHHHH

Ziz: Man, at this point, I HOPE that thing bit the living shit out of you.

Self: No, he just kind of...came towards us again.

Ziz: Oh. My. God.

Self: Aw, he's swimming away. Bye, Mister Shark!

Dad: Bye, Sharky!

Ziz: Hate you. Hate you so much.

So! That was my day. Between stabby birds and biting sharks, attempts to put wild animals in buckets and drinking by 2 p.m., I'd have to say that this vacation is shaping up nicely.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink

49 Comments

hilarious and wonderful all at the same time. plus my laughing seems to have made my son fall asleep! yay miss doxie :-)

Posted by: lindsay | September 3, 2005 01:11 PM

I swear, you make me feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Posted by: lizardek | September 3, 2005 01:59 PM

Doxie, you make me pee. Pee with the laughing. Good thing I'm not where you are, cause sharkies? They smell the pee. And then they bite you.

Posted by: missbanshee | September 3, 2005 02:26 PM

As far as donating ideas, we here in Memphis are getting help from all over (some lady is driving from Chicago...yes, CHICAGO with a car load of stuff) and we are eternally grateful. Memphis has somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 to 15,000 Katrina refugees.

I work for a nonprofit and we're collecing food, clothing, toiletries, household goods, etc for the refugees. These people are so grateful for even the little we have to give them, it is so overwhelming. The Red Cross is a great place to give but there are also smaller organizations like mine who can use support. Go through your church or civic group to get a truck/van load of supplies to places like Memphis (where refugees are setting up to live for months). If you need help, you can usually call the public library of most big cities and they'll help you. Here in Memphis, the library is (901)415-2700. Any help is much appreciated!

Posted by: Debra | September 3, 2005 04:08 PM

Doxie--thanks so much for a good ten minutes of laughter! Glad to hear you're enjoying your vacation. I just sent my donation to the Humane Society and the Red Cross. I can't believe that in two fell swoops (well, two "donate!" buttons on two webpages) I can actually do some good, and be up for a Doxie original!

Have fun with the cast of Nemo :)

Posted by: Jillian | September 3, 2005 04:31 PM

Hi Miss Doxie. Letting you know that I donated to the American Red Cross, and I feel so noble from that that I'm gonna go to a blood drive too. Thanks for the inspiration!

(Hope I win one of your artworks; my friends would be so jealous :o)

Posted by: David J. | September 3, 2005 04:38 PM

Oh damn, I so totally want me a painting. Do we get extra points if we donated twice, or if we have just undergone childbirth? Anyway, yay! Sharks and birds and photographs AND a guest appearance by Ziz -- now, that is some great stuff. Happy Labor Day, Leigh and family and angry birdy.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | September 3, 2005 08:12 PM

I'm going out on a limb here, but I think that bird is a juvenile gannet or perhaps a booby (hee) of some sort. What size was it? Pelicans are really really large.

Posted by: Alya | September 3, 2005 08:46 PM

I've been a lurker for a while, but I need to ask a question. I know someone else already asked this, but I didn't see a response. How is the Chao family? Have you heard? They are from Louisiana, right?

Posted by: katiegirl | September 3, 2005 09:23 PM

Hmmmmmm, that bird, seriously, looks like a boobie. Not that I know a lot about boobies (of the bird variety anyway), but it looks just like the boobies I have seen in the zoo. Only you would rescue a boobie with the help of a dozen guys. I have now used the word boobie(s) four times, five if you count the one in this sentence and I think I will put down the wine and go to bed.

Posted by: Julie | September 3, 2005 09:46 PM

Your better than me- I would have thrown rocks at the kids.

Posted by: Brighton | September 3, 2005 10:37 PM

I also vote that the birdie is a booby (hee!) but I don't really know. I've only seen blue-footed boobies on my webshots screen saver thing. And I donated to the Humane Society.

Posted by: Sally | September 3, 2005 11:45 PM

You are a kind and gentle soul. Also, you make me laugh my ass off. Thank you for saving the birdie.
The little acts of kindness mean a ridiculous lot.

Posted by: J | September 4, 2005 01:49 AM

I, too, have sent money to the Red Cross...I didn't think I could afford it, but I got a bit of unexpected overtime, and those people need all the help they can get. Thanks for making me laugh, even during a time like this. Hope I get a Doxie original :-)

Posted by: The Other Hannah | September 4, 2005 02:54 AM

I just sent a donation to the German branch of the Red Cross who will transfer it to the US... Love your diary.

Posted by: Silke | September 4, 2005 08:59 AM

I love that you caused 13 men to be stabbed, all for the sake of a booby. Yay. And I agree- how are the Chaos? If they have to refugee (that word is now a verb, thank you), then I vote they stay at your place so that we get fun stories. I will provide wine.

Posted by: Melissa | September 4, 2005 09:13 AM

Hi there!
I just donated to the Red Cross, because ... DAMN. Meanwhile, your stories about birdies and sharkies did a LOT to help me cheer up after looking at the news. Thank you SO MUCH!

Posted by: roler | September 4, 2005 10:00 AM

i need to get our more because that kind of shit never happens to me. but then there aren't many sharks at the grocery store so, you know, back to how i need to get out more.

Posted by: honestyrain | September 4, 2005 10:30 AM

and holy crap did they ever get that beach slop mess cleaned up fast. wow.

Posted by: honestyrain | September 4, 2005 10:31 AM

Pretty People Who Are Worried: The Chaos are, indeed, okay. I have not spoken to them yet, but now that my cell phone is working again (no joke, it has taken a solid week to get service back), I should really give them a call. I will do so.

However! Al has spoken with them, and assures us that they are just fine. So don't y'all worry.

Posted by: Miss Doxie | September 4, 2005 10:39 AM

Thanks for the laugh! And today, especially since its my birthday and I'm feeling older all of a sudden, oh how I miss the carefree days of childhood, playing on the beach and throwing rocks at birds! Remember the saying, "Boys will be boys!"?? Youre lucky, if that had been the Kiefer Twins in their mischievous prime, we would have thrown some rocks at you too :)

Great to hear that the clean-up effort is going well. And bravo on having the poor little birdie taken in. Keep us updated on your adventures!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | September 4, 2005 10:45 AM

I did NOT give any money to Red Cross, but does this count - I had an evacuee family with me in my place for 6 days, I bought them food, clothes, water and gas. I washed their stuff and bathed their kids and they slept all over my apt. I have gone to local shelters with blankets and pillows. I put out a national call for shoes for the evacuees because HEY! they stood in unmentionable for days and their shoes had to be destroyed. Does this qualify me for a painting, too? Oh, please put me on the list, too, even though I kept my money right here and personally used it for evacuees in Baton Rouge. Thanks to all for caring.
Daffy

Posted by: daffythedachshund | September 4, 2005 11:11 AM

It's definitely a booby. I looked for a good picture of the kind of booby it was, and I didn't find one, but I did find this picture of another booby (yes, the bird kind) that made me laugh: http://www.birdholidays.co.uk/images/maskedbooby.jpg -- I gave to the Petfinder.com Foundation Hurricane Fund.

Posted by: Andrew | September 4, 2005 12:42 PM

Just gave a donation to the red cross and feel like crap it can't be a million bucks. I also donated baby supplies to our local evacuees. Thanks for a good laugh today. I really needed it.

Posted by: karla | September 4, 2005 04:06 PM

Okay, if someone hasn't already contributed yet, or wants to give more, I found this on gofugyourself.com: The Barry Manilow Fund (shut UP, I used to love me some Barry when I was in 10th grade) - anyway, good old Barry will match every $1 you give, PLUS his personal foundation will ALSO match each $1 of your donation - so your $1 becomes $3 - and send it all to the Red Cross. http://www.manilowfund.com/

Posted by: Libby | September 4, 2005 05:27 PM

And oh, happy birthday, Kiefer Twin! (My birthday is on Tuesday. I'm waiting until then to feel older.)

I sat here laughing and laughing at your post today, Leigh. Thank you.

Posted by: Libby | September 4, 2005 05:31 PM

Happy birthday Keifer Twin! It's my birthday too and I decided to celebrate by donating to the Red Cross (okay, so my celebration also included Plum wine). Count me in for your drawing MissDoxie!

Also, you crack my shit up!

Posted by: Liz-bot | September 4, 2005 10:12 PM

Thanks ladies, for the birthday wishes! Since the 4th was on Labor Day the year I was born, I celebrate BOTH days. Some might say, "It doesn't work like that" very disdainfully, but I disagree.

Oh, and ya'll should've heard my brother's reaction I told him I saw a picture of Miss Doxie's booby on her website!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | September 5, 2005 09:30 AM

I totally want to vacation with the Doxie clan. The only thing missing from that story was you tossing bread crumbs for your shark friend.

Posted by: Mir | September 5, 2005 12:00 PM

Thank gods and heavens above and all sorts of things for people like you who stop little rock-throwing fuckers and save injured animals. I'm with whoever said she'd have thrown rocks at the kids.

Awesome.

Posted by: M | September 5, 2005 12:39 PM

I just donated to Noah's Wish and am now on my way over to http://www.manilowfund.com per Libby's suggestion to make him shell out some of that hard-earned cash to match my donation.

If I won your painting? I think I might just pee myself. (What? Too much information?) Sign me up!

Posted by: Karate | September 5, 2005 12:44 PM

Hey Leigh!

My son and I drunk donated last night (Red Cross)! Well, he was drunk, and I was very, very sleepy, so it all works out. Put me in for a wonderful Doxie original - it will hang here in a place of honor! It will get many approving glances!! I love using exclamation points!!!

Posted by: mramunds | September 5, 2005 03:34 PM

I donated to the Red Cross. Also, for those of you in the Houston area (I'm in Los Angeles, but my family is in Houston) you can donate school supplies, clothes, baby stuff- well almost anything- at local fire stations.

You are nice, Miss Doxie. Saving birds and people and all.

I would love to be in the hat for a painting! And I would have totally gotten in the water to look at the shark and to take pictures.

Posted by: Wen | September 5, 2005 04:56 PM

I have been lurking for a while, and am delurking for three reasons...

1. You're okay, and this is of the good.

2. The Chaos (I also lurk at Hashai) are okay, which is also of the good -- but AB posted a beautiful entry quoting one of my favorite songs, but she didn't turn the comments on. So if she's reading this -- Hi, I'm in New York and I've ALSO been obsessively thinking of "Louisiana 1927" since this all started, and I also nearly lost it when Aaron Neville did it. I'm also now reading about the actual 1927 flood that inspired that song -- there are a lot of paralells, actually, including the huge political discussions that are starting to happen now.

3. I'll be contributing in two different ways -- immediate relief is only one. The other -- well, immediate aid is one thing; money going back into the economy is another. So I'm saving up now for a vacation in Louisiana in a year, once it's open for tourist business again.

Posted by: Kim | September 5, 2005 07:52 PM

Cool, Kim, that you're going to vacation there. I might have to do the same. We always planned to do New Orleans; for a honeymoon, for a getaway, for our escape last month (that we diverted to San Antonio instead) and I was telling myself I won't ever get the chance. But that's wrong, isn't it.

Posted by: MissFish | September 5, 2005 08:11 PM

okay, doxieleigh... you have obviously eaten Hilarious and it is living and breathing and getting nourishment from you and, like a tapeworm, has grown to be over 24 ft long and living happily in your big intestine because you are, quite possibly, the funniest person in all of the worlds.

you should sell yourself in infomercials and ads in ladies' magazines as the cure for obesity and acne, you're that good.

Posted by: melati | September 5, 2005 08:32 PM

I donated to the ASPCA! Does that mean I'm in the running for a painting? I can send you back a painting if you want. My dog made me one this weekend that you might like.

Posted by: chillier | September 6, 2005 10:45 AM

Girl, you are out of your ever loving mind. I'm going to Hawaii in a few days, and have declared that I MAY NOT GO IN THE WATER, because? Sharks. Lots of sharks. Totally lying in wait to eat me, and there you are, ENCOURAGING the shark play. Kudos on swearing at the kids and saving the bird, though. THat was awesome.

Posted by: Heather | September 6, 2005 11:08 AM

We're sending money, water, clothes and diapers through our church.

Posted by: Merideth | September 6, 2005 11:31 AM

I de-lurk, taking a break from the good laughing, long enough to point out that since the advent of South Park, it is now okay to curse all sorts of profanity down on little children. I think, anyway, especially on violent children causing harm to injured creatures.

Posted by: TheMac | September 6, 2005 12:56 PM

I donated to the ASPCA and am waiting to see if my company will match my funds before I give to the Red Cross (hurry up, Company!)

Posted by: Shu | September 6, 2005 01:04 PM

I donated.

And y'know - if you had a WHOLE lot of extra art lying around that you didn't know what to do with (or heck, even if you had just a painting or two) and if it were 8 1/2" x 11" or smaller, you could donate it to www.artdoinggood.com and they would sell it for you and all of the money would go to the Red Cross - that way, us poor jerks who didn't win one of your paintings could just buy one and it would be this whole big cycle of good.

Posted by: Another Sarah | September 6, 2005 03:20 PM

Ok so this might be the most ridiculous question that anyone can ask especially since there is oh so much more you wrote about I could pause to wonder at. But, I must ask this because I cannot stop thinking about it. For two days now, I have sat and pondered about this and have decided that I need an answer. Here it is: WHY on earth did you have a cell phone on you if you were IN the OCEAN?

Posted by: Kole | September 6, 2005 05:06 PM

That was the best phone conversation I have ever read. I envy you. I want that phone conversation for my very own.

Posted by: Blue Meany | September 6, 2005 05:27 PM

Me again. My little girl wants to take all of her money to school tomorrow to donate. She's 6. What a sweetie.

Posted by: Merideth | September 6, 2005 06:03 PM

You are just the funniest person ever born, and if I were a boy, I would totally want to marry you.

Posted by: Lori | September 6, 2005 07:40 PM

I just had my first Near Shark Experience on Saturday. I was out in a boat fishing near Santa Cruz, CA and I saw a large pectoral fin about 10 feet from the boat. Then the shark rolled and I saw it's THREE FOOT TALL dorsal fin! It was about 20 feet long. And we were less than a mile off shore. Don't surf in Santa Cruz, people. Them sharks are scary big!

Posted by: Erin 2 (electric boogaloo) | September 6, 2005 08:28 PM

You win funniest blogger alive.. probably funniest person too in all worlds as someone else already said. I would've said a lot more to those bratty boys.. but tho the bird was a stabby one, it was probably very scared after said brats' torture..but I'm sure it's very very grateful to you now for saviing its life.. as we all are.. You're such a gem!

Posted by: Angel | September 7, 2005 12:13 PM

Man, I forget to check in for a few days and look what-all you get up to. Rescuing a booby in your bikini (heh, there's a joke in there, somewhere, but I'm not letting it out) and playing with sharks and taking pictures of flotsam (and possibly jetsam.) And silencing scornful trolls. You rock.

I missed all the exciting drawingness, but I donated to MercyCorps last week anyway, and I need more art like a brittle star needs more arms, so it's okay.

Uh, hugs!

Posted by: ginger | September 7, 2005 01:47 PM

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