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Wardrobe Junction, What's Your Malfunction?

August 17, 2005

Two things! Both clothing related. (Hello, THEME!)

First thing:

Now, y'all know that I have deep and abiding love for Al and Chris and Anna Beth and Vince, all of whom are members of the Damn Millionaires band.

But did you know that these people have sung songs in my very own living room? Did you know that one of those songs was The Facts of Life theme song? Did you know that you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have...the facts of life? The FACTS OF LIFE?

It is true. We sang that one time! We may have been drinking a little bit.

Anyway, maybe you don't know that the Damn Millionaires are in the process of putting out a new CD, and that they also have a shirt for sale. I am hereby chiming in to note that I have bought my shirt (which I keep typing as "shit," because OF COURSE I do. I have bought my shit, people, have YOU?).

Anyway, I got a girlie shit. You need a shit, too! Go here and get yourself something nice and skeletonny. Go on, and I'll wait.

Did you go? Did you get a shit? Because you only have until the 31st to get one. That is very soon from now.

(You guys, ha ha! That "shit" joke is JUST NOT GETTING OLD for me. I know it is getting old for you. Tough shirt! HA!)

Annnnyway. That's one thing I wanted to talk to you about. The other thing is:

Thing Two:

That, guess what I did today? So! We're supposed to wear suits to work, but I am lazy and haven't gone to the dry cleaners, so I just wore a nice skirt and a nice shirt, and figured hey, CLOSE ENOUGH. There aren't a whole lot of female attorneys in our office, and frankly, the men around here are a little confused as to what constitutes "women's office attire" anyway, so I figured that as long as I didn't wear, you know, spandex tie-dye, I would probably be okay. Besides, I looked nice, and put together, and relatively matchy, so whatever. I'm just going to be sitting behind my desk all day anyway! Nobody's even going to notice!

...I thought. I thought this, until the managing partner invited all of the associates, a group that includes myself, to lunch. This has never happened before. (I immediately imagined beatings. It is time for beatings! I thought.)

Immediately, I sent an email to the only other female assocate. The email read, "AHHHH I AM NOT WEARING A SUIT I AM SO FIRED. In happier news, free lunch! Woo! Unless beatings." Despite the...um, INSANE character of this email, she came into my office to review my ensemble (this is what we do all day, Men! We review our clothing choices), and together, we determined that I was probably okay. It was suit like. I was safe. Just play it cool, she advised, and nobody would notice!

And I felt better about things, until I decided to stand up. Now, because there is something Wrong With Me, I always sit on one of my feet. My right foot. I always, always sit on my right foot, and it looks ridiculously uncomfortable, but...it's just what I do! It's how I roll. So, I try to stand up, and THAT is when the heel of my right shoe got hooked in the hem of my skirt, and ripped it the heck out. Rrrrip!

So, now I'm in Not-A-Suit, with a hem dangling down all raggedy, and I must attend a big fancy pants lunch in about...oh, six minutes. So, I panicked. Obviously. I tried taping the hem back, but NOOOOO. Tape = not sufficiently sticky.

So then I started going to assistants, begging someone, ANYONE, for, like, a safety pin, or a needle, or some thread, or SOMEthing, PLEASE.

What was ultimately produced by my MacGuyver-like assistant:

One Needle
One package dental floss

Y'all. Dental floss.

So, there I was, hysterically trying to stitch dental floss into my skirt before the managing partner came to pick me up for lunch. And as a side note? Y'all, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SEW. How the fuck do you sew?!

Nevertheless, what is amazing, is that I almost did it. I almost made it. What is not amazing is that: I didn't. And, as I was almost done, I heard someone clearing his throat in my doorway, and looked up from my desk -- where I was sitting with my legs spread apart, my head down, and my skirt bunched up in front of my face, trembling fingers wrapped around a length of dental floss (minty!) and a bitty little needle -- and there was the managing partner.

I just stared at him, and he just stared at me, and finally I said, "Just...give me a minute!" in a falsely cheerful voice. He nodded, CLEARLY PETRIFIED, and walked backwards out of my office, shutting the door firmly behind him.

Hi. I am so, so fired.

ANYWAY. So I guess what I'm saying? In ever so many words? Is that I think you should buy a Damn Millionaires shirt.

And I think you should listen to me, because I'm clearly a pinnacle of fashion today. I'm a fashion icon. Seeing as I'm wearing...you know. Dental floss.

Posted by doxie in Times I Fell Down | permalink

41 Comments

That completely sounds like something I would do, except I know how to sew (years of my childhood of forced time in 4-H).

Thank goodness I work for a hippie-ish non-profit. Dress code is pretty relaxed and I regularly wear jeans and sandals to work.

Posted by: Jessie | August 17, 2005 02:40 PM

holy crap, MacGuyver, i would have never thought about dental floss. how delightfully bon vivant. maybe he will end up being impressed by your ingenuity? i was, unfortunately i'm no managing partner.

Posted by: thomas | August 17, 2005 02:41 PM

You should possibly put some kind of disclaimer on your website because it always makes me FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR in uncontrollable fits of laughter. UNCONTROLLABLE!

Last week I spilled Mustard down my white blouse at work, just in time for a meeting with the Vice President. Let me tell you, it was quite the look.

Posted by: Andrea | August 17, 2005 03:11 PM

Douglas Adams would say that all you need is a towel to make your way through the universe.

I propose that you can get a lot farther...further even...with dental floss and, of course, a roll of duck tape. Duct tape, even.

And sure, a towel to mop up spills.

By the way, I'm sure you were confident in that at least you smelled minty fresh. Around your hem area, anyway.

Eh-hem.

You were using mint floss, right? And not the garlic and onion flavored floss?

Posted by: jozet | August 17, 2005 03:22 PM

Believe it or not, I have often found myself in similar situations, one involving duct tape (DUCT TAPE) and hemmed pants that were not so hemmed anymore.

I would have KILLED for dental floss. Count your blessings.

Posted by: Johnny Sapphire | August 17, 2005 03:45 PM

Freaking hysterical. My husband is an attorney, and he once grievously ripped his pants on a day when he had a tremendous deadline and absolutely no time to go home and get different pants. He spent the day wearing one dress shirt, one necktie, and . . . swim trunks, which he happened to have out in his car. When the managing partner inevitably showed up at the exact moment he ventured out from behind his desk, the guy stopped in his tracks, looked my husband up and down, and deadpanned, "Nice legs." But did not fire him. So, you know, I think you're okay.

The DMs rock, and I have totally bought their shit, and their shirt.

Posted by: Gretchen C. | August 17, 2005 04:06 PM

I hear dental floss is in this season.

Oh, and by the way, scotch tape doesn't work to hold together your shoes when a crack in the sidewalk rips off one of your high heels (not that anyone other than me would think it WOULD work, given that scotch tape is the weakest material known to man, but it was all I had).

Posted by: Sexy Suburbanite | August 17, 2005 04:35 PM

If you are going to sit on your feet, you should at least take your shoes off. It's what I do. I know: where was my sage-ass advice right before lunch?

Posted by: Megs | August 17, 2005 04:56 PM

Another option is the stapler when you are *really* desperate. :-)

Posted by: Tammy | August 17, 2005 06:42 PM

1 i go to funcitons like this underdressed all the time. everyone assumes that i do it b/c i'm so badass i don't need to try real hard in other ways to impress the big shots. this was a very pleasant side effect i hadn't considered, i just hate wearing suits

2 dental floss as thread? as old as the pasttime of backpacking, it's saved we backpackers from numerous incidental tourist moonings... or did it save them? at any rate, awesome work!

Posted by: dandy lion | August 17, 2005 07:10 PM

Once my boss told me our uniform inspector was coming around to do checks (I worked in a casino at the time) so I locked myself in my office and stapled up my illegally hemmed pants. I do not know how to sew, so had someone handed me a needle I would have been clueless anyway. Way to improvise with the floss!

Posted by: Jen | August 17, 2005 09:37 PM

Wow. Dental Floss. Impressive As Shit (or Shirt?).

Posted by: Heather | August 17, 2005 09:42 PM

Y'all indeed.

Posted by: number1hypocrite | August 17, 2005 09:54 PM

I TOTALLY used a stapler to fix my pants during an FDA inspection at my job. I ripped my pants with my heels. I feel your pain, girl. But it worked (as far as I know).

Posted by: kamikazegopher | August 17, 2005 09:59 PM

I think everyone is going to need to send you sewing kits and suit jackets to keep in your office. I personally believe that it's important to take everything you could ever possibly need with you at all times. Which I don't do, because.. duh, cute purses are SMALL. But still, it's a good idea. I don't know how to sew either. In 10th grade we made a "one hour skirt".. I am now 25 years old. I still have not finished that skirt. ;)

Posted by: RadiantSky | August 18, 2005 12:02 AM

if you heard hyenas, don't worry. it was just me laughing about the dental floss...perhaps you should invest in sewing lessons? or sandpaper the heels of your shoes?

Posted by: The Other Hannah | August 18, 2005 12:12 AM

They probably don't beat lawyers any more, rather I believe the term is flagellate. So no worries on the beating.

And too bad I wasn't there. I have like 3 different sets of sewing kits in my purse from years of taking (uh hem. absconding of) those freebie sewing kits from hotel rooms. Never used. What a waste. I missed my calling to be lawyer. Or super hero. Whatever.

But think of how proud Martha Stewart would be of you! Dental floss! Brilliant! Next time . . . stapler!

Posted by: Shano | August 18, 2005 01:05 AM

Why do these things always happen when you're in the middle of something important?
once in high school, my bra broke (or, more precisely, the strap that connects that cups broke) when I was in the middle of a conversation with the hottest dude in our year. I walked up to the teacher with my arms pressed together and asked for a bathroom pass, ran to the bathrooms with my arms still pressed together, punched a hole with a pen in both cups and tied them together with my hairband. After that incident, I always kept a spare bra in my locker :)

Posted by: MsSméagol | August 18, 2005 06:07 AM

That is freakin' hilarious. I know I'm laughing so hard because it's definitely something I would do. Thank God we're business casual. I can always run down the street to Ann Taylor or Banana Republic, conveniently a few blocks away, should a fashion catastrophe strike. And they have, and I have.

Posted by: Peyton | August 18, 2005 08:39 AM

Brilliant. Hee.

Posted by: Trance | August 18, 2005 08:41 AM

Even though I'm in my own firm now, I still get a little sick to my stomach if I wear open-toe shoes to the "office", i.e. the back bedroom.

I feel your pain.

Posted by: Floyd | August 18, 2005 08:53 AM

Hmmmm, the only way you could have salvaged this would have been to go to lunch with bigwigs and then after finishing, pull dental floss from hem and begin flossing teeth at table, therefore cementing your eccentricy and setting precedent for future hijinx on your part.

Posted by: TB | August 18, 2005 10:22 AM

Wow. I'm starting to freak myself out. One of my best friends's father is the CFO of your firm. The Damn Millionaires started in Arlington, TX? My hometown and where I graduated from highschool. The world is insanely small.

Posted by: Carolyn | August 18, 2005 11:34 AM

you. awesome. love this shi(r)t. LOVE.

i once ripped the back of my jeans open from the chalk tray on a blackboard while i was up in front of the class, in college, doing a skit for my japanese class. it was unfortunate.

Posted by: Alice | August 18, 2005 11:46 AM

Hey Doxie,

Based on on your previously (well documented) history I figured you would be well prepared for one of these common mishaps. For example two spare ensambles and many shoes (with heels still intact) in your closet at work. Possibly even a wad of cash for the inevitable emergency, toothbrush, 6-pack.. you get the idea.

I hope you don't get fired though, you'll probably luck out and become just enshrined in the annals (get your mind out of the gutter!) of the firms history and a story that is repeated at every important event.

It could be worse ;)

psuche

Posted by: Psuche | August 18, 2005 12:15 PM

Is this not the second time in recent Doxie -Herstory, that your clothing has got snagged by the heel of a shoe? Forsooth, get ye some flatties, woman. Also, did your colleague not wonder why you were fiddling around with dental floss in your-er- fantoushe area?
"Hygeine, so important to me!" you could squeak in his direction, if he looks at you funny.

Posted by: fifi | August 18, 2005 01:26 PM

Oh, Damn! I was laughing so hard, my boss just caught me reading your entry. Um, so I showed him what his hard earned business money is paying our internet bill with.....

Miss Doxie, you just saved my life! He's now very interested in reading everything that has left your computer to grace us other unlucky people!

So stinkin' hilarious! Minty dental floss! As for snagging your heel, this seems to be an ongoing occurance for you. It's time to invest in some duct tape and safety pins specifically for your desk!

Thanks for the laughs!!!

Posted by: Jennifer | August 18, 2005 05:29 PM

Miss Doxie, you're so cute and funny that I'm sure your exploits just amuse your higher ups. :) "There's that Miss Doxie, doing something funny again!" It's endearing, really!

Posted by: K | August 18, 2005 05:42 PM

Definitely go with the stapler next time. I went to Catholic school and it was what we used to shorten our hems: perfect for tearing out if we got busted for "hemming" them too short.

Posted by: melissa | August 18, 2005 07:24 PM

wonderful idea with the dental floss! You totally crack me up!!! I sewed a formal dress with embroidery thread once cause it was all I had....

Posted by: Christi | August 18, 2005 08:19 PM

Okay, but even if you get fired, you can still say that you actually, TRUTHFULLY, wrote the phrase "I am wearing dental floss" -- in not so many words. And that, my dear, is the shizz-irt.

Posted by: Blue Meany | August 18, 2005 10:34 PM

ahhhhhhh...
just one more reason
why
EVERYONE
needs to have an emergency supply
of
duct tape
or electrical tape...
really...
it even works as a bandaid...
:)

Posted by: gkgirl | August 19, 2005 08:16 AM

I don't know who said this - maybe the Duchess of somethingorother, but her advice when your attire was in disarray and some snob was trying to make you feel "less-than" about it, was to picture them in their underwear. Just brazen it out, face them in whatever state you're in, and keep firmly fixed in your mind a picture of the senior partner in his tighty-whities (with a stain on them). Guaranteed to give you confidence.

Posted by: daffythedachshund | August 19, 2005 08:47 AM

What kind of heels are you wearing woman? First the dive down the stairs and now this? I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but a month ago I caught my skirt on a protruding air conditioning (part?) and ripped that baby clean off! Also I work on a military base with MANY young trainees, about 40 of whom witnessed this.

Posted by: karla | August 19, 2005 10:37 AM

Erm... dental floss would not hold my garments together. Thank the stars you are petite. My clothes would laugh at dental floss and it would just evaporate :)

-N

Posted by: Natalia | August 19, 2005 03:53 PM

Okay I have now put a post-it on my computer that says "go to bathroom before reading Miss Doxie". So funny. If you do use staples in the future be sure to staple from the inside out so the points don't scratch your legs and/or tear your hose.

Posted by: mackmomma | August 19, 2005 07:22 PM

Hi,new blogger and I love yours.Is it okay if I link to you on my site?

Posted by: Lydia | August 19, 2005 07:39 PM

I have so used dental floss on so many occasions...usually to sew buttons onto my son's clothes. Much stronger than thread. :D

Posted by: Kimberly | August 20, 2005 12:49 AM

i always feel better about my misadventures after reading about yours. thanks!

Posted by: erin | August 21, 2005 12:14 AM

Hmm. I usually go the stapler route when faced with that sort of problem. I guess floss would work, as well. Smart thinking!

Posted by: Heather | August 22, 2005 02:02 PM

Of course this would happen to you.

Thats when you just turn down lunch due to some made-up scheduling conflict. At least thats what I do!

Maybe you could keep an emergency ensemble at work to slip into in times like those.

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | August 22, 2005 08:59 PM

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