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R. Kelly Made Me Do It

August 12, 2005

Okay, so I don’t know if you’ve heard the new R.Kelly five-part thing he’s got rocking right now, but I had NOT, until yesterday, and it is...I mean, it is genuinely unbelievable. If you haven’t heard it, this entry will make no sense to you whatsoever, but basically, R. Kelly sings at length (AT LENGTH), and in excruciating detail, about what happens when he goes home with a woman he meets at a club and ends up hiding in the closet when her husband shows up, and the ensuing hijinks that GO ON FOR FIVE SONGS. It is painfully bad. I had heard other people describing it, but nothing brought it home for me until I actually heard some of the songs. I just sat there in slack-jawed wonder.

How can you not be deeply...uh, affected, by lyrics such as these, which he sings after the husband comes home and R (I like to call him “R”) is just, you know, chilling in the closet:

She hops all over him and says “I've cooked and ran your bathwater”
I'm telling you now this girl is so good she deserves an Oscar
The girl’s in the bed he starts snatching her clothes off
I'm in the closet like man, what the fuck is going on?
You’re not going to believe it but things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he acted I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said “there’s a mystery going on and I'm going to solve it”
And I'm like “God please don’t let this man open his closet.”

And so on. It is...unbelievable. I’ve never experienced anything like it. It is pure poetry, if “poetry” is codeword for “the most painfully embarrassing experience you can have on behalf of someone else.” Or possibly, “the telling of a story that sometimes involves rhyming words, but there is not any discernable beat or concern about syllables, but WHATEVER, because what’s going to happen when he gets found in the closet?!”

So! Because I was inspired (INSPIRED, I TELL YOU) by this...”poetry”, I decided to write some of my own. Oh, I know you’re excited.

In the style of R. Kelly, I present to you:

Thursday Night At Miss Doxie’s House

Today I woke up and to get out of bed, I had to fight

Because for some reason Bo decided to puke all over the place in the middle of the night

And I woke up at four a.m. to hear that Gu-GLUGGING sound and I didn’t miss a beat

And then I’m half asleep and trying to grab him before he vomits on my bedsheet

And so I snatch him and I get him down onto the floor

And then he’s throwing up and I see food that I gave him before

And then I have to clean it up with lots and lots of paper towels

And then he decides that he'd also like to void his bowels.

So then I have to take him out and let me remind you it is FOUR A.M.

And out he goes and he’s just sniffing around now and I hate him.

And then he hears something and he’s totally forgotten that he was ever sick

And instead he runs off to the corner of the yard because he is a prick.

And I have to go after him but I forgot it rained and now I’m covered in muck

And my toes are going all SQUOOSH and it would be fun if it didn’t totally suck.

So I finally catch him and he’s all, “Look, for I have cornered a TREE.”

And then I have to go get the hose to wash the mud all off of me.

And then I bring him back inside, and back upstairs to bed we go.

But now he’s wide awake and also bored, so he’s like, NO.

And then he won’t be still and sticks his cold nose in my face

And now wants to play and run around the whole damn place

And I try to tell him that I’ll staple his feet to the bed

But he’s not scared of me and so he starts to bark instead.

So I just lie real still and hope that he will shut up then

Eventually he does, and I fall back asleep again

But then the alarm goes off and now I’ve got to rise

And I see Bo and he just barely opens up his eyes

But then when I stand, and “Come on Bo, get up,” I shout

That little bastard dives beneath the sheets and won’t come out.

And when I try to grab him he just burrows further in.

He’s just a little lump of angry, and so I poke him.

And so he growls at me and he is saying “GO AWAY.

I’m not done sleeping here. Fuck off and go start your day.”

And I think maybe I’ll just put him in the microwave

If he doesn’t mind his momma and start to behave.

But I gave up and took a shower and just left him there

And he kept sleeping FOR AN HOUR until I had to physically spelunk under the covers as he just dug deeper, creating an elaborate under-bedcover tunnel system not seen since WWII, grab him by…something, possibly the collar, but SOMEthing, drag him OUT from under there while he LOUDLY PROTESTED this action, growling and shrieking in his BoSpeak, while the other dogs went BALLISTIC because MAYBE SHE IS KILLING BO, OH BOY, and then I had to struggle with His Wigglingest down the stairs, where he then proceeded to act like NOTHING HAPPENED, and HEY, CAN I GO OUTSIDE, and THESE ARE THE THRILLS OF DOG OWNERSHIP, PEOPLE.

I’ll be hiding from them all for the next ten years. Don’t look in the closet.

Posted by doxie in The Dogs (Or, Poop) | permalink

32 Comments

I want a dog. :(

MissDoxie, as always, you brighten up my day.

Posted by: Lily | August 12, 2005 01:51 PM

So funny, and so pretty. I make murder on your gorgeous head.

R.Kelly is supremely grody!

Posted by: Melati | August 12, 2005 02:19 PM

Haha, that was so funny. I've seen that R. Kelly video.. perhaps not all of them but definitely the closet one. And I was all, "dude, are you freaking serious? this isn't a song, this is what happens when you fire the guy who writes your songs." But also, it was a little bit funny because of how insanely stupid it is. Usher has the same thing, a mini movie of videos that are one connecting story. Except you know, his kinda has a beat. Also, had a similar dachshund experience at 6am this morning. Because I had been up on the phone for a long time and my dog was all, "Playtime! This is most definitely playtime!" and I'm with the, no, is not, shut your yap and sleep till noon. And if I didn't love her so much, things like that might make me angry. :)

Posted by: RadiantSky | August 12, 2005 02:30 PM

LOL I love the story!

Posted by: Nancy F. | August 12, 2005 02:38 PM

Hysterical! I was chortling! I tried to chortle quietly but I think I pulled something. I saw R. Kelly’s video a few weeks ago and physically pulled my husband into the room so he could witness the train wreck. He didn’t believe me when I told him about it… and later that evening VH1 did some sort of R. Kelly mini Opera thing where they aired all 5 videos together. I am sure that it is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Posted by: suzanna danna | August 12, 2005 02:41 PM

i loved the entry! you are so fun to read. and now i want a dog too.

Posted by: thomas | August 12, 2005 03:08 PM

hilarious as usual! good thing my boss was out of the office today. that means i didn't have to try to laugh quietly!

Posted by: minnie | August 12, 2005 03:58 PM

Heh heh! Miss Doxie wrote a D'Opera. R Kelly or "that nasty ass child molester" as I like to call him should be banned. From everything.

Posted by: karla | August 12, 2005 04:33 PM

Doncha just love dogs? I've trained my bilge-pump-warning-system beagles to be reluctantly held over the toilet to puke. The doxie and mutt give no warning unfortunately.

Posted by: Heather | August 12, 2005 05:57 PM

I am laughing on the floor...which makes it hard to write. Don't have dogs anymore. I have a cat. And he acts the same way. But I also think he has an identity crisis.

Thanks for the R lyrics. :) And if the attorney thing does not work out, Recording Industry here I come.

-N

Posted by: Natalia | August 12, 2005 06:31 PM

OH! MY! GOD! HI.LAR.I.OUS!!!

Posted by: Mer | August 12, 2005 08:01 PM

Wow, your post was so beautiful that when I read it, a tear fell up out my eye. Good to know that people appreciate Mr. Kelly's genius!

Posted by: karenology | August 12, 2005 08:59 PM

Fantastic! I'll have to draft some ode to our cats playing tag on our bed at 3:30 in the morning...

Posted by: Eh... not so much | August 12, 2005 09:00 PM

That was WAY better than anything R. Kelly ever wrote. You're a genius!

Posted by: Erratic Prophet | August 12, 2005 09:30 PM

You are more R. Kelly than I could ever hope to be.

Hilarious.

And, girl, I know about getting a puking dog out of my bed. Do I ever. Thank you for that tale.

Posted by: beth | August 12, 2005 09:42 PM

Miss Doxie: I've read through your archives and been a silent reader the entire time. That is, silent on your end but always laughing hard on this end.

You truly are a very funny young lady and I thank you for writing your experiences the way you do. I could have the crappiest week, come here, and be totally happy again. You rule.

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf | August 12, 2005 11:52 PM

OW OW OWWW I laughed so hard my ribs hurt.
Isn't amazing how that "stomach trying to turn itself inside out sound" can wake you from a dead sleep that thunder wouldn't phase?

Posted by: mackmomma | August 13, 2005 05:29 AM

I can't wait! A blond Southern attorney rap star! I'll buy the album (I think you could strike a deal with Ikea to carry it, No?)

Posted by: Mark | August 13, 2005 10:30 AM

this is sheer genius. you are my hero.

Posted by: kilowatthour | August 13, 2005 01:22 PM

You shut R. Kelly down! That was brilliant! Too hilarious :D

Posted by: pea | August 13, 2005 03:50 PM

Heh. I mean, wait -- isn't R. Kelly supposed to be in jail for being, as my mother would say, a "sick pee-pee" with children?

Posted by: Ariana | August 13, 2005 03:56 PM

I like M. Doxie, maybe even love her.

Posted by: Cathy | August 14, 2005 01:40 PM

It's amazing the way you take inspiration from what's going on around you and just, like, CREATE.
You are so very, very funny.
Not sure that R Kelly thing is out over here in the UK. Or maybe it's one of those things I would make a point of not knowing about.

Posted by: Léonie | August 15, 2005 04:01 AM

wait till you hear the other 4 songs that go along with it! I hate R Kelly but i must admit i was sucked in by these songs

Posted by: jonelle | August 15, 2005 09:27 AM

I agree that I was sucked in to the R Kelly songs, but more in a rubbernecking trainwreck sort of way...in any case, I think I know some record producers that would be all over the blonde Southern attorney rap star as mentioned by someone above.

Posted by: Morgan | August 15, 2005 10:19 AM

and your video will be coming out when? hahaha!

Posted by: erin | August 15, 2005 05:42 PM

Ahh.. the love of the child molester and all who still play his music on the tv.. why why? But girl, you put him to shame.. unlike his escapades w/ underage children for some reason.. I am perplexed why his lyrics are publicized to the masses and yours so far are only w/in the web world... so find your own personal Quincy Jones and get crackin!

Posted by: Angel | August 16, 2005 12:42 AM

I know that "dog about to puke" sound by heart.

Posted by: Sexy Suburbanite | August 16, 2005 11:46 AM

Hee. That was awesome. You should make a sing along video.

Posted by: Heather | August 16, 2005 11:57 AM

Hee. That was awesome. You should make a sing along video.

Posted by: Heather | August 16, 2005 11:57 AM

My favorite is how he tried to make "solve it" and "closet" rhyme. My favorite.

Posted by: allison | August 17, 2005 11:16 AM

Well, I've seen the R Kelly Video and must disagree with you all. The video is meant for entertainment and to captivate an audience from wanting to look away, just as yourselves were. Robert Kellys' music is brilliant and touches the lives of the people that hear it. Yes he has some freak in him, just as we all do (admit it)but the detail and storyline of the 5-part video is superb! His music is another part of the puzzle. Ask yourselves, "Why did the tape come out 3 years later?"
Without seeing the actual video, you can still follow through every step of the way as if you were there and some of you probably have been the ones hiding "in the closet" Regardless of what Robert Kelly has done, he is still making "Happy People" everywhere and will continue on my part.

Posted by: quiana | August 24, 2005 04:45 PM

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