« Wardrobe Junction, What's Your Malfunction? | Main | This Post Is Brought To You By The Fact That The Power Finally Came Back On In The Fucking Hotel »

Apparently, I Just Broke

August 22, 2005

To begin with, let me just say that I watched the Six Feet Under series finale last night, and I AM NOT OVER IT. No. I have not recovered, and every time I even think of that last epilogue-type closing sequence, I start to CRY, and Y'ALL. I am not a crier. And all I can think now is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, because...TELEVISION SHOW! Six Feet Under is a TELEVISION SHOW, and meanwhile, Real Life is like, sitting there, waving at me confusedly, all, "Wait, am I not...enough for you? Why do you never cry for me? Jim never vomits at home!"

(I mean...y'all. Poor Dukay made the unwise and unfortunate decision to call as I was watching the final ten minutes, and I answered the phone, LITERALLY BAWLING, like shoulders-shaking, hiccupping bawling, and after dating for almost four years, a time which has included funerals, Dukay has never seen me in such a state. As a result, I succeeded in thoroughly terrifying him, quite possibly forever. He was like, "WHO DIED?" and I was like, "EVERYONE EVERYWHERE.")

(OH, and then I felt the need to call my mom, while I was still sobbing, and tell her that I love her. Fortunately, she knows and watches Six Feet Under, and even though she had not seen the finale, she understood my little meltdown, and made nice-Mommy noises. Thanks, Mom, for not having me immediately committed! Kisses!)

(...okay, listen. People, I am under a lot of stress right now. And then, that finale, it just...I don't know! It AFFECTED me. Don't judge! Just, you know. Laugh at me! It's healthy!)

ANYWAY. So, feeling neglected by the comparative lack of emotion I tend to display for actual events, Real Life decided that maybe it would FUCK WITH ME TODAY, to see whether it could elicit the same type of emotional response from the generally level-headed, logical, happy-go-lucky me. But HA HA, Real Life! You will not beat me down! Even though you tried REALLY HARD, and for that I give you props, because...y'all, this day? SUCKED.

And I don't know what it was about today (except I am generally stressed and just crazy-like right now anyway) because I have survived MUCH worse days, days that involved things like death or other assorted horror, and yet...AND YET! This day has almost done me in, y'all! SOMEONE COME HOLD ME.

Anyway. Let's review:

7:30: Wake uppish. Bo, in a radical change from his usual morning routine of stubbornly hiding under the covers, is oddly very eager to rise! Can't wait! Turns out, decided priority = pooping, and as such, he does not make it quite all the way to the door. Result: One large, steaming fun pile of poo abooooooooooooout twelve inches from the back door, with Bo running, all four legs crossed, to the bathroomish freedom that is the yard, tiny turds still popping from his backside like so many sands from a small, fat, brown hourglass.

7:31: Paper towels. Very many paper towels. Sigh. Good morning, world.

8:15: Leave to go to work. Pick up Dad, whose car is in ths shop, and whatever because we go to the same office anyway, and Hi, Dad!

8:16: Learn I will also be taking Dad to the airport, circa afternoonish. Okay! Break from work! Also, Dad invites me to lunch. Day is LOOKING UP!

8:50: DAY IS LOOKING DOWN. Arrive at work, and learn that Important Earth-Changing Brief that was due on Friday? NOOOOO! Now due TOMORROW. 50 pages, minimum. Hope you weren't planning to, I don't know. Sleep.

8:51: Begin frantically working on Brief. Coworkers stop in to say hello, nice weekend? etc. Give them the Crazy Eyeballs. They run in fear; cowering occurs.

12:30: Dad takes self to lunch. This is the high point of the day.

12:46: Oooh, lunch is good. LOVE lunch.

1:30: Take Dad to airport. To counteract possible airport-related terrorism, you can no longer drop someone off right outside of the Atlanta airport, OH NO, there is now this odd drop-off system thing going on in the former parking lot, and there is SUCH CONFUSION, and this is where I begin to become: befuddled.

1:34: Drop off Dad. Befuddlement becomes symptomatic.

1:37: Attempt to leave airport. OH, IT SOUNDS SO EASY.

1:39: Heh. Know what I did? I missed the turny thing that takes you out and to the highway. Hee! I'm trapped in the airport! Oh, well, I guess I'll just go in a circle then, and soon I will be out.

1:47: Wait, I...SHIT, I missed it again. DAMMIT. I am an idiot. Okay. I need to go around the cirle-y thing again. This time I get off where the...hey, I just said "get off." Ha! I'm funny.


2:06: ALRIGHT. I'm OUT of the airport, and I'm on the highway. GOOD. Now I need to just get back downtown, to the exit I always take, though usually I am coming from the other direction.

2:17: Where's the...exit? This is the region where I get off, usually, but...hey, I said it again! "Get off." Heeeeee. Oh! Good song on the radio!

2:23: Wait. SHIT. There went the place I usually go. Huh. Why is there no exit from this direction?

2:25:...because there is no exit from that direction. FUCK. Okay, now I have to exit elsewhere and work myself back through the city.

(Have we talked about my sense of direction? HA HA HA)

2:26 - 3:49: Ridiculously lost. Ridiculously lost. Atlanta is not big enough for me to have been so lost.

3:50: Return to office. I am hysterical. EVERYONE is looking for me.

3:51: Ignore phone. Work on brief.

4:50: Still working on brief.

5:50: STILL working on brief.

6:50: Briefbriefbrief.

7:50: BRIEFbriefBRIEF.

8:50: BRIEF! BRIEF! Dinner.

9:15: Arby's drive-thru. WHATEVER. I will be up all night. If you are going to be up working all night, you get curly fries. It is a law. It is IN THE BIBLE.

9:17: Finish curly fries. Still starving slap to death. Think anticipaty-happy thoughts about sandwich. Mmm. Sandwich!

9:30: Arrive home. Set food on coffee table. Free dogs.

9:31: Open door, and am immediately DIVE BOMBED from above by winged insect (turns out to be a grasshopper) that lands deep in hair of self. Self FREAKS.

9:32: Dogs freak accordingly.

9:32: Grasshopper kind of freaks, in insect-y way.

9:33: Puglsey pees on floor in sheer terror.

9:33: Self slips in pee while trying to disengage grasshopper. Toppling. Bruising. Elbow destroyed forever.

9:33: Bo takes advantage of grasshopper-related confusion/freakage/toppling to run to coffee table AND STEAL SANDWICH THAT BELONGS TO SELF AND THAT SELF PAID FOR AND THAT BO DID NOT PAY FOR.

9:34: Self releases grasshopper from hair, and into wilds of back yard. Meanwhile, Bo calmly finishes last of sandwich.

9:35: Must clean up pee. Paper towels. Finish off roll. It has been a long day.

9:37: Self returns to dinner. But dinner is...gone. Bo is licking his chops and looking at Self like, What? BO HUNGRY.

9:36: Self considers crying. Instead Self plugs in work laptop to continue working on brief for the rest of the night, hollowly realizing that because Self has been too busy to shop, there is officially No Food in the house, so, no dinner. Self is beginning to feel veeeeeeery sorry for self.

10:15: Brief. Work through it, self! (Elbow kind of hurts.)

11:04: BriefBRIEFBRIEFBRIEFBRIEFBRIEFBRSelf needs break. Poor elbow. Elbow is starving, but no food, so, TV.

11:05: Self turns on TV. To...HBO. The last channel Self watched last night...

11:05: ...just in time to see the end of Six Feet Under Season Finale. Again.

11:06: SOB.

And that? That right there? Is when I decided to GO TO BED. Now, logically, I know people have worse days ALL THE TIME. That there are people who are sick, or who can't feed their kids, and I know that this, in the long run, is small and silly and petty and ridiculous. But y'all, I am just BEAT.

Good night, everyone, and I wish, for all of us, that tomorrow will be a better fucking day.

Or, at the very least, I hope it is a day that involves a lot less paper towels.

Posted by doxie in General Whining | permalink


Paper towels at 7:31 = BAD DAY. I agree. As far as I'm concerned, anything other than sleep at 7:31 am = BAD DAY. Hope your tomorrow is better :-)

Posted by: The Other Hannah | August 22, 2005 11:57 PM

Aww, honey. Hugs. Odds are against two bad days in a row.

Posted by: Lori | August 23, 2005 12:21 AM

BriefBRIEFbriefBRIEFBRIEFBRIEF? Oh yeah, been there, done that. I'm so very, very sorry. Now I work for the federal government. Now I am a much happier, if poorer, lawyer. Less briefbriefbriefing, more sleeping. I recommend it highly. But I have no advice on the pee/poop/paper towel problem.

Posted by: Susan D. | August 23, 2005 06:40 AM

When you started talking about a bad day, I feared something permanent, like parking lot pillars reaching out and attacking your car again. I'm surprised that you can still get so upset from being lost, since it sounds like it's a common occurence.

Here's something to cheer you up, and the dogs might like it too (maybe it'll keep them distracted while you eat - dogs don't share dinner unless they start doing chores)! I'm not connected to the site, but have been amused seeing cats get what they deserve since I learned of it: stuffonmycat.com. Enjoy!

Posted by: Mark | August 23, 2005 06:59 AM

Oh, Miss Doxie--that sounds like one hell of a bad day... I hope today is better for you. Why do so many of your bad stories revolve around Bo?? How could such a short little doggy be composed of so much pure evil??

Posted by: Kathryn | August 23, 2005 07:17 AM

Ack! Why are airports so damn hard to get out of??? And may I add, bad dog! BAD DOG! Hope today is a better one for you!

Posted by: Eh... not so much | August 23, 2005 07:52 AM

i once sobbed uncontrollably, like huge, wracking, snot-faced sobs, at an episode of Nip/Tuck that involved severed heads and an Elton John song. and i'm not a crier, either. i, for one, don't judge.

Posted by: beth | August 23, 2005 08:35 AM

See? You're a dog-dork, like me. They make our lives miserable, they cause us to work much more than we should have to, and they eat our food (especially Arby's!! come on!!!!) and yet we still love them and buy them stupid toys. Damn dogs.

Posted by: Tori | August 23, 2005 09:21 AM

Oh I so totally hate how hard it is to get out of airports anymore. You go there thinking you are doing a good deed, helping out a friend or family member...get a gold star for the day! But NO! You are caught in the airport matrix for the next week and half, cracking up, toeing the line of insanity and all you want is just one little EXIT SIGN PLEASE before you dehydrate and starve to death and cause the headlines the following day to read: "Officers find skeleton driving around in circles at airport."

Miss Doxie, I love the way you can take a rough day and make it funny. The gift to see the humorous side is powerful and I wish the whole world posessed it. I spelled that word wrong...whatever, I just woke up.

Posted by: S. Faolan Wolf | August 23, 2005 09:50 AM

just taking a quick break from writing my own brief to see what's new in doxieland--and of course I end up laughing out loud (AS MY SUPERVISOR WALKS BY) at doxie's demise. not so good. especially since nothing in my brief is remotely funny, thus i am clearly not working on said brief. but, it was totally worth it. i love reading your entries doxie, you are such a fabulous writer! i hope today involves less paper towels and more free food. have a great day! (fingers crossed for you)

Posted by: Jillian | August 23, 2005 10:02 AM

just taking a quick break from writing my own brief to see what's new in doxieland--and of course I end up laughing out loud (AS MY SUPERVISOR WALKS BY) at doxie's demise. not so good. especially since nothing in my brief is remotely funny, thus i am clearly not working on said brief. but, it was totally worth it. i love reading your entries doxie, you are such a fabulous writer! i hope today involves less paper towels and more free food. have a great day! (fingers crossed for you)

Posted by: Jillian | August 23, 2005 10:07 AM

just taking a quick break from writing my own brief to see what's new in doxieland--and of course I end up laughing out loud (AS MY SUPERVISOR WALKS BY) at doxie's demise. not so good. especially since nothing in my brief is remotely funny, thus i am clearly not working on said brief. but, it was totally worth it. i love reading your entries doxie, you are such a fabulous writer! i hope today involves less paper towels and more free food. have a great day! (fingers crossed)

Posted by: Jillian | August 23, 2005 10:10 AM

oh my gosh, i'm so sorry! I kept getting error messages, so I re-commented. woops. at least this mistake won't involve paper towels to clean up :)

Posted by: Jillian | August 23, 2005 10:11 AM

That has to go down in history as a crappy day.. hey a dog day :) here's hoping today and tomorrow are better :)


Posted by: Natalia | August 23, 2005 10:18 AM

Awww, that was one AWFUL day. As a formerly participating member of the league of brief-writing minions, I have some advice for you. RUN AWAY! I also am poorer but happier and do occasionally eat and sleep. Poor Doxie.

Posted by: daffythedachshund | August 23, 2005 10:43 AM

May today be far better, and require no paper towels or brief writing. That sounds like a weird Irish blessing.

Posted by: Sabine | August 23, 2005 11:25 AM

My friend - you got off lucky! I could challenge you to a deul (Dool, drewl,??!!! how the frige do you spell it! Grrr)
on who had a worse day - in my house you need to add mini dixie peeing on your feet in bed as a wake up - oh and mini dosn't encomapass how much his bladder holds... 5 am barking as spike runs to tell who ever is walking their dog at that time to get out of his territory. Never knew dashies could be so loud and so whipping fast. Not even catchable to stop his barking!

And when I sat down at the tv to watch six feet under, I had to play the no food for you game with the mini puppy (same one who pee'd on my feet) to eat my dinner. While spike starred the big brow eyed stare of "i am starving. you never feed me... (which of course is not true) pllllleeeeaaaase give me some. At one point my plate tipped while playing the no food for you game with the puppy - and my dinner ended up on the floor for a half second till spike ran away with it , then auz cleaned up where it landed on the floor for the half second with his tounge. While I raced after it - to get it from spike - who was racing and gobbling at the same time....

once all was set straight again - I was hungry - spike was full and auz was occupied chewwing on my harry potter book. (grr) I was able to watch six feet under in peace. I would have missed half if it wasn't for tivo...
ms. doxie - take heart - the ending shows you they live a happy long life to meet the loved ones at the end of it.
Claire lived till 102! Yes it was sad in away, but they did something no other show has done - gave you a full closure like no other. No other show left you that complete when they ended - angel let you as they started to fight for their lives, buffy drove away leaving you wondering what was she going to do now, sex in the city.... grr they promised a movie to finish things up a little better, and then left you hanging... did big and carrie ever get married? Charlotte and her man - didi the baby go through? 100%...

so take heart - no questions of then what happened - they were happy, found peace and lived happily ever after........ till they died.

Posted by: jennifer | August 23, 2005 12:11 PM

On behalf of the UK, thank you for not divulging exactly who died in SFU.We don't get it over here just yet. Stupid UK. Bo is determined to screw with your head, at both ends of the day, isn't he? I just burned the dinner, because I was reading Miss Doxie. But it was worth it, and nobody else knows.Heh. I will give it a vigorous stir.

Posted by: fifi | August 23, 2005 12:33 PM

I bawled at the end of Six Feet Under, too. Like for LONG after the show was finished. Actually, for the next couple of hours - until I went to bed - I started crying everytime I just thought about it.

Sniff. Such a great show.

Posted by: poobou | August 23, 2005 12:41 PM

I LOST IT at the end of Six Feet Under, and am still kind of thinking about it two days later. I, too, called my mom yesterday to tell her I loved her, and I tried to be all casual about it but started crying uncontrollably. Again. Sorry about your crappy day. I'm sending some tragedy-free thoughts your way today.

Posted by: Heather | August 23, 2005 01:02 PM

Wow, I must too agree that the end of SFU had me sobbing, hiccuping, snorting, etc. I was with my mom when I watched it and she had no idea why I was so upset. The woman is made of stone, I tell ya. I downloaded the song from the last minutes of the finale and cannot stop listening to it and therein getting all weepy. Damn powerful show. Anyway, hope things are lookin' up! Its almost Labor Day. Woo. :)

Posted by: Leslie | August 23, 2005 02:44 PM

If you ever decide to have kids? Dont EVER EVER EVER let ANYONE tell you that your life will be changed forever. Because in reality? It will be the same: Finding yourself either cleaning up, or covered in, wasted from creatures you love. At all hours of night and day.

(Hope today was better)

Posted by: zoot | August 23, 2005 02:56 PM

I completely understand being affected by a show. I LOVE SFU but haven't been able to get HBO in the last few yrs so I'm still on the dvd of the 2nd season. Lame.. But girl, I get ALL weepy from good tv.. And I'm sorry about your bad day. Any day that starts and ends w/ paper towels, sucky! Hope you finished the brief!

Posted by: Angel | August 23, 2005 03:13 PM

I so TOTALLY identified with EVERY SINGLE WORD that I was like, "How did this chick manage to steal my life in every last detail but move it to Atlanta? And isn't my life copyrighted or something? Because she is like, gaining fame & acclaim from my misfortunes while I, here, on the other hand, am simply SUFFERING my misfortunes in silence and obscurity."

Well, not quite. I don't eat at Arby's.

Posted by: victoria | August 23, 2005 03:13 PM

what is it with freeways and off ramps and the whole "we only put that exit on the South side?" I hate that.

If it's any consolation I drove about an hour away for a meeting, didn't get out of said-ass-numbing-meeting until 10 p.m. and drove 20 minutes back and stoppped for food. Was chatting, got on freeway going back the direction I came. 1.5 later I was home. ::sigh::

Posted by: littlehoney | August 23, 2005 04:02 PM

Honestly, I've been waiting for the Six Feet Under series finale since the series premiere. At long last!

But in anguish over the idea of you crying. At all. Dry your eyes.

You need a full-time hero. Like Jack Bauer, OnStar, Google, the UPS guy and concierge all in one. Like your own personal samurai. Girl, you need 24 hour protection! Maybe an entire staff. I voulunteer!

Posted by: Kiefer Twin | August 23, 2005 05:37 PM

You crack me up! In your pain, I find humor...isn't that horrible of me?? I've been reading and laughing *with* you (notice the lack of the word "at") for a few weeks now, having linked to you through Amalah's and Leonie's sites and enjoy reading immensely. I hope things improve for you on the briefbriefbrief front and you don't find such grief in your future television viewing!

Posted by: Angela | August 23, 2005 08:43 PM

Oops, not sure why I lied and said I linked to you through Leonie's site... I'm a liar, although she's also quite enjoyable! Please, ignore me now... *backing up slowly with flaming face* ...will go now!

Posted by: Angela | August 23, 2005 08:46 PM

Thank you, Doxie, for once again making me laugh out loud when I needed it most. I'm a teacher, and yesterday was the stress-filled first day of school, but I fortunately chose to read this post before heading off to work... and poof! no more anxiety, thanks to the laughing. :) Not to say that I don't feel your pain-- it does sound like a truly Sucky Day, and I hope the rest of your week is better!

Oh, and I'm totally with you on the SFU finale. There is no shame in sobbing, I tell you.

Posted by: Cass | August 24, 2005 09:17 AM

crap. you were right to go to bed before some other thing happened to make the day even worse. poor you. hope you're having a better day now....

Posted by: honestyrain | August 24, 2005 09:36 AM

Poor Miss Doxie! Hope your week gets better. SFU season finale made me bawl like a baby. I miss it.

Posted by: karla | August 24, 2005 11:01 AM

I think the craziest part of this story is that it only takes you 45 minutes to get ready for work. Girl, I've seen you, and I've seen me, and I want to know how you squeeze that into 45 minutes when I take an hour to look like this. Not counting the powdering, eyelash curling, and lip glossing that takes place in the car.

I want to put Bo on boyfriend probation...but I can't. Those rakish good looks just sway my good sense. Holla, Bo!

Posted by: Robyn | August 24, 2005 12:18 PM

Hello! Did you have a better day yet this week? I really, really hope so!

Posted by: Coleen | August 24, 2005 02:12 PM

Hartsfield SUCKS. Totally not your fault.

Posted by: Stacy | August 24, 2005 05:29 PM

Good Lord, that has to go down in the history books for Shittiest Day Ever. Isn't it a good excuse to buy shoes and eat lots of chocolate, though?

Posted by: Beth | August 24, 2005 09:27 PM

sometimes I cry at commercials (shhhh dont tell)

Posted by: Jane | August 24, 2005 09:33 PM

I find that for really bad days, Bounty Select-a-Size work best.

Posted by: Bonanza Jellybean | August 24, 2005 09:55 PM

Oh man. That is a terribly day. I *hate* getting lost. I don't do it too often, but when I do I feel horrible and incompetent and angry, and stupid...and that makes me cry. But then, I totally am a crier. I probably cry a tiny bit a couple times a week. Sad, but true. Anyway, you absolutely rock and turning something sucky into something bloody amusing for the rest of us, so thanks!

Posted by: Heather | August 24, 2005 11:49 PM

"Elbow destroyed forever."

God almighty. Priceless.

Posted by: Ashley | August 25, 2005 07:38 AM

Poor Doxie! But you made my neighbors mad at me, because the loud laughter in the morning? Not nice to them. But nice for me.

Regarding groceries- have you ever considered having them delivered? It can be expensive, but so, so worth it if you're super busy, like you! Staples delivered once a month combats empty fridge syndrome!

And Bo? Needs to reimburse you for your Arby's stuff. And pay you a maid fee. And buy you a new roll of paper towels.

Posted by: Cathy | August 25, 2005 11:26 AM

If Bo figures out a way to pay for the Arby's he ate, let me know right away! That's a very handy thing for a dachshund to know - how to get ahold of their own money. Hmmm. I forsee lots of doggie households benefitting from THAT. Let the little sandwich-stealing bastards pay for their crimes, I say.

Posted by: daffythedachshund | August 25, 2005 02:20 PM

Atlanta's is the Venus Flytrap of airports. You can fly in (sometimes), but then it won't let you leave. Apparently it likes cars, too.

Posted by: allison | August 25, 2005 02:21 PM

Oh my god. That sounds so eerily like my experience of Sunday and Monday. I watched SFU on Sunday. I bawled my eyes out. I even have that song on my ipod so any time I want to I can listen to it and think about the finale and cry some more. Anyway, I was in the Atlanta airport on Monday also and also when I got home at 11:05 monday night I watch the finale a second time and got all weepy again. I miss the Fishers.

Posted by: TB | August 25, 2005 04:16 PM

I bawled ALARMINGLY at the end of the finale. Like, to the point of my husband becoming Very Concerned and offering me his hand in Comfort, which I slapped at weakly because the BAWLING, it was ALL-CONSUMING and didn't he know that we are all going to DIE, DIE, DIE?

Anyway! Mmmm, curly fries.

Posted by: Sundry | August 26, 2005 06:57 PM

Yo, I don't know if anyone's offered but I can give you the number of a few chinese places that deliver if you want???

At any rate I hope you've come up for air

Posted by: dandy lion | August 27, 2005 06:43 AM

Yeah.. I totally found your journal on a friends.. And I can symthasize w/ you about the series finale of Six Feet Under. I loved that show!

And I'm sorry, but I did have to laugh a little bit at the day.. I found the grasshopper part funny.. Although, I'm sure if I found myself in a similar situation I would completely freak..

Posted by: Allegra | August 29, 2005 08:44 PM

I now know exactly what you mean about the Six Feet Under season/series finale. I watched it last night and was sobbing so hard that my finace thought there was something very wrong with me when he got home. My eyes and face were all swollen and red, and my eyes were, of course, completely bloodshot. I never had any idea the impact that season finale would have on me, but it was CRAZY. Excellent, but crazy.

Posted by: Jen | September 1, 2005 07:41 AM

Post a comment: