What All That Education Got Me
Okay, well. I feel compelled to write again (I know! So quick like!) because first of all, my spam? Really entertaining. Funny to me. I'm not even deleting it. Since when is "penis enlargement" coming up with witticisms? Why does "penis enlargement" kind of think nobody cares about me? O, penis enlargement, you're so clever, but why are you trying to make me feel bad about myself? You are penis enlargement! I, personally, am happy with the sizes of my body parts! Let's not project our little insecurities onto others. TSK TSK.
And, the second reason is a spoily one, because I finally read the Harry Potter book (I say "finally" as if this took, like, months and months, when in reality, it was, what...two days after it published? Hi. Dork) and then everyone had to Deal With Me, and now I feel compelled to talk about it. And I will feel compelled to talk about it, with anyone who listens, until approximately Saturday. Then I will cease to care.
I had a conversation with Ziz about the book last night, and it was pretty funny (well...funny to us) and involved many of our various theories, and so I thought I'd pass it along to y'all. BUT FIRST, I MUST WARN YOU, with ALL OF MY WARNY POWERS, that I am about to spoil the everloving HELL out of that book. Oh, yes. I will name names. So if you haven't read it? GO. GO AWAY. Read this entry ANOTHER DAY. I will even post something interesting for you to look at instead. Look at these! Aren't those freaky? Now scram. It is for your OWN GOOD, it hurts me more than it hurts you, etc.
Okay? Well, you have been warned. Because here we go.
Ziz: Hi! What's u-
Self: DID YOU READ IT YET?
Ziz: Read? WHAT? WHO?
Self: DID YOU READ HARRY POTTER BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE HAS FINISHED HARRY POTTER AND I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HARRY POTTER WITH SOMEBODY AND NOBODY WILL TALK TO ME ABOUT HARRY POTTER AND THEY KEEP SAYING SHH.
Ziz: Whoa. Uh, yeah. I finished it the first day. Are you just now done?
Self: Listen, I try to have a social life. Nerd.
Ziz: Uh, except, you are, apparently, ATTACKING people and trying to get them to discuss Harry Potter with you.
Self: Shut up, person-who-points-things-out-that-I-don't-want-pointed-out.
Ziz: That was...succinct. But yeah, I've read it. What do you want to discuss?
Self: Um. How...I don't know. Who do you think is cutest?
Ziz: THAT'S what you want to discuss?! Not, like, Dumbledore dying and Snape being bad -
Self: HE IS NOT BAD.
Ziz: Sigh. Yes, he is.
Self: NOOOOO. He's totally, like, doing what he has to do, and I think he killed Dumbledore on Dumbledore's orders, just like how, you know, Harry would have killed Dumbledore on Dumbledore's orders, when he forced him to drink the yucky stuff and didn't know what the yucky stuff was going to do to him? And it totally could have killed him, and MAYBE IT EVEN KIND OF DID and Snape was just putting him out of his misery? And there were bodies and a boat and everything?
Ziz: Okay, deeeeeep breaths...
Self: Because Dumbledore's like, "Harry, you do what I say!" and Harry's all, "Yes, sir! I'm your man!" And Dumbledore's like, "Even if I'm like, crying and shit and ask you to do horribleness!" And Harry's like, "Got it!" And then Harry makes him drink the stuff that makes him dying, because Dumbledore told him to, just like DUMBLEDORE TOLD SNAPE he had to kill him, and anyway Dumbledore KNEW he was going to die in this book, and that's why in the beginning Harry's all, "Do I need to put my invisible cloak thingy on?" and Dumbledore's all, "Oh HELL no, because you're with me," and then when Harry's all swimming with Dumbledore and he's like, "Hold on, Dumble! Don't fret!" and Dumbledore's like, "I'm not, because I'm with you?" See what they did there, with the passing of the torch and the coming full-circle and O THE HEAVY MEANING IN A CHILDREN'S BOOK?
Ziz: Weren't you once...smart? Like when you were an English literature major that time? And...and this is how you now analyze books?
Self: I fail to see your point.
Ziz: "Hold on, Dumble"? "Don't fret"?
Self: I may be...paraphrasing. Some.
Ziz: Sigh. Anyway, I think I follow you, but that does not mean that you are, in any way, correct.
Self: See, Snape and Harry have this big, like, PARALLEL thing going on.
Ziz: In which they are both played by hot actors?
Self: ...there is also that, yes.
Ziz: But Draco is way hotter.
Self: Know who I want to be? Draco's mom.
Ziz: Except for the evil bitch part?
Self: Or I want to be Fleur.
Ziz: Except for the whiny bitch part?
Self: Huh. Yeah, I guess the hot women aren't all that...nice.
Ziz: Oh, there's nothing wrong with a little bitchiness. I kind of want to be Tonks, though, for the hair thing.
Self: I keep forgetting who Tonks is. Who...oh, yeah.
Ziz: You forgot Tonks? Hi, major character. Do you want me to remind you of who Ron is?
Self: No, it's just that there are so many characters, and I keep forgetting who is who, and-
Ziz: I KNOW! I can't ever remember Mu...Mublummbins. Mulbinnins. Mungumbers.
Self: YES! Like him. Mundsomething! I can't ever remember him either. I need, like, a directory.
Ziz: That man does nothing for me. I'm sure he's horribly important and will end up being Dumbledore's long lost son.
Self: Or it will turn out that he is actually our own father.
Ziz: That is not...terribly likely.
Self: Oh, here we go again, with the not-confusing-fictional-characters-with-real-life business.
Ziz: Well, we have already had this discussion as it relates to the carrying around of a pressure cooker.
Ziz: And also as to how it relates to the cast of 24, and how Kiefer is not, in actuality, a big secret government agent.
Self: YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
Ziz: Yes, I do. Kiefer Sutherland is not a secret agent.
Self: SHUT UP.
Ziz: Sorry. Anyway. Do you have any other...uh, "brilliant" Harry Potter theories?
Self: Not really.
Ziz: Well, me either.
Self: Then I guess we have nothing to talk about.
Ziz: Yes. It's like we're strangers now.
Self: Strangers who disagree on the evilness of Snape.
Ziz: And yet, not on his dark and moody hotness.
Self: Right. Thank God for common ground!
And so on. You know how we get. We may have also discussed, like, real people. Actual events. Shit like that.
BUT, because most of my friends have STILL not finished the damn book, I encourage all of you to enlighten me with your own Harry Potter theories and whatnot, because again: for the next three days, I will be completely interested in this subject, until approximately Saturday when I will stop caring with a searing vengeance.
Until then: what did y'all think of the book? Do you think Snape is evil? And, most importantly, who in the everloving FUCK is this Mundusnfmnglumb guy?
So, comment away! Unless you are penis enlargement. Penis enlargement, you can go suck on an egg.